Day 36 – February 5th, 2019

Writing honestly, writing without that filter, writing without those weird goggles I put on when I’m writing directly online. Okay. Typing. Words. Coming out of my brain. Um.

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I can feel this weird filmy thing covering my brain, it’s almost physically tangible, the weird perspective I’m writing from like-

Why am I even typing any of this? Like what does any of that even matter? Who am I narrating for?

Okay. Back at it.

What am I writing about honestly today? What’s on my mind?

Last night after I typed that log, I had a nice long talk with Olivia and basically reiterated everything I realized. I cried, and got out all the emotions I’d been suppressing that were creating that muddled feeling on the inside. I woke up with a lot more clarity and calm today.

I actually had a really productive day today! I did my laser appointment with Sola, went straight to school to deal with the number one reason for my recent stress (my OSAP money) and even though I had to go home to get something for it, I did it and went straight back to school either way and took all the necessary steps I had to take in order to get things done. So, there’s that. Now it’s just a matter of waiting for it to come, but at least I know now for sure that it should.

Anyways – I feel a lot better. A lot more clear-headed. I’m still a little apprehensive; probably because of how surprising it was for me to find that I ended up in this position despite everything I’d felt I’d learnt. But it’s good. It’s humbling.

Actually who am I kidding – it freaked me the fuck out, let’s be honest here. But I mean, as scary as it was, ultimately I am happy I went through it. It reminded me that I can’t just check stuff off on my imaginary list and leave things be and keep moving forward seeking more and more.

It also reminded me to love myself more, to be myself, to embrace myself and be within and at ease with myself once more, which was such a relief. I feel like I took a lot of pressure off of myself by writing that log last night.

I went to the crystal store today and treated myself to some gems. I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for, so I just browsed around for as long as I liked to see what resonated with me.

I picked this beautiful, glimmering, deep blue pendant that’s called “Blue Goldstone”, and a block of this raw unpolished smoky blue stone called “Blue Calcite”. Not too sure why I’m suddenly so attracted to the blue hues, but blue is the colour of the throat chakra (the chakra of communication) so I suppose it’s fitting that those are the ones that appealed to me, now that I’m trying to practice being as openly honest as possible with myself and everyone around me.

Anyways, once I left the store, I started looking up the stone meanings and man. It was so heart-warming and affirming to find and feel that somewhere, somehow, I’m still in tune with myself.

This is what I read about Blue Goldstone that quite literally made me tear up: “Goldstone is a gemstone that was made during medieval times. At the time, a monk was making glass. And he poured copper chips into the glass by accident He thought it was a big failure, but a very beautiful glass was made. This technique has been carried on for hundreds of years until now. From this story, it is known as a gemstone that can change failure to success or a gemstone that can create new value.

Blue Goldstone has a meaning and effect of giving positive energy to its owner. The sparkle inside can bring out your positive power. It is a gemstone that can change your thoughts positively. You would be able to have a support to achieve your dreams or goals. It gives its owner courage and self-confidence. Please use it to open up a bright future.”

I’m so happy that this is the stone that resonated with me (or perhaps it chose me?).

The Blue Calcite is good for meditation, for calming the emotions and releasing stress.

I really do think I was leaning towards the blue because I also need to open my throat chakra more and be able to express myself more openly and honestly.

Something I did want to talk about with myself – Adrian messaged and told me he’s close to reading the double sided note I wrote for him in the jar full of sweet notes I’d made for him over Christmas. I told him that I wanted him to tell me when he read that particular message because I had this whole elaborate plan in my head to tell him my true feelings (aka the three big words) once he did.

I’m not so sure now though. Could it be fear?

Well, this is a discussion I’m going to have to have with myself tomorrow, because it’s super late and I woke up at 6:30 am today and I know how important sleep is. So, tomorrow it is.

Love, love, love,

Me.

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