Day 37 – February 6th, 2019

Alright I’m back! Classes actually got cancelled today (good thing I went with my gut and stayed home) and the BPI dinner has been cancelled as well so I’m having an impromptu day at home. However, (and I am saying all of this for myself, I am narrating my day for myself, I have to keep reminding myself of this), I’m planning on being productive and I have the slides up from today’s lecture so that I can make my own notes because I haven’t missed a single lecture from this class yet.

So after this, I’m going to take my notes and add some productivity to this day. But before I do that, I’m going back to the discussion I was about to engage in in yesterday’s log.

Alright. Time to focus, time to talk to yourself, and listen. No distractions, no getting up. And once you’re done this, then you can go make yourself a Belgian waffle and eat it with ice cream or maple syrup or whatever the hell else you’d want to eat it with. Okay? Okay.

Before we begin, a few things I’d like to make note of. One –keep it simple. No overcomplicating things unless necessary, unless you’re trying to get at something. Two – stay honest. Stay present. Stay right here, with you, with no other filters other than just trying to find answers within yourself, for yourself. Three – once this is done, we leave it be.

Okay. I’m ready.

So Adrian messaged again today asking me how he wants me to go about the whole double-sided note thing. Does he want me to have him message me first BEFORE reading, or does he want me to have him read it and then message me?

AND I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE I’M SUDDENLY SECOND GUESSING THE WHOLE THING.

I just didn’t think it would happen so soon? I’m not sure what I was planning exactly per se. I mean, I had the plan – he would read the double sided note, the note that holds the moment I knew I was going to fall in love with him without a single doubt in my mind. But… now what?

Have I? Am I in love? What is love? How do I define it? What does it mean to me?

Once before, Adrian said that those three words are too often said and too easily offered, and that the way you truly know you love someone is through action, the things they do and the ways they show you. And like, I agree with him. Those words are too easily said, and not often meant. That’s why it’s so important to me that if I do say them, I mean them, with every fibre of my being.

So what is love to me? Love is… love is knowing all the “bad parts” of a person (their self-perceived flaws or quirks or weirdnesses) that makes them who they are, but still loving them despite those things because you know you couldn’t have the good (and like, it’s the kind of good you’ve always wanted) without some bad. There’s ying and there’s yang. There’s balance. It’s loving an imperfect person perfectly, to quote some cheesy phrase I’m sure I’ve read or heard somewhere. Love to me is… connecting. And like, really connecting, through vulnerability. It’s feeling safe enough to lower the walls you didn’t even know you had up. It’s being so completely honest that you learn things about yourself you never even knew.

Love is empathy – it’s being able to see that person for who and what they are rather than looking at this person through the lens of your own experiences and expectations. It’s not “what can this person do for me/what should they be doing for me?” but “what can we do for each other? How do we grow together?” because you know that that’s what matters most, when being with them.

Love to me is passion. Real passion, endless passion. It’s not a fire that consumes you whole that leaves you with cold ashes or a “honeymoon phase” that eventually ends. It’s a slow-burning warmth that you can feel right down to the tips of your fingers and toes constantly because you’re both doing your part to stoke that flame and keep it burning. It’s the affection that comes about as a result of that fire, because you can’t go more than a couple moments without feeling the heat of their body against your fingertips, even if it is just a mere matter of holding their hand.

Love is laughter. Humour that never loses its colour to the point that you can look back months from then to recall those moments and still laugh because it’s just as funny now as it was then. It’s the smile that you get that never really quite disappears because it lives on in your eyes and fine lines of your face.

And I know they say that eventually, the butterflies fade away and you eventually settle into your relationship with this person. But that’s not what love is to me. Maybe I’m just that much of a diehard romantic, but to me – love is nothing BUT butterflies. It’s being excited to see them each and every time you do, no matter how many times you already have. It’s feeling happy and nervous and anxious but excited all at the same time when their knee brushes against yours by accident, even if you’ve been together for years. I don’t believe that that feeling has to go away. Maybe that’s just something we tell ourselves because eventually our brains get used to the neurochemical cocktail we produce every time we see the person we’re attracted to. Biologically speaking, if you have enough of any drug on a consistent basis, you eventually develop a tolerance to it right? Well to me, love doesn’t fall in line with that logic. But maybe that’s just me.

And maybe love isn’t something you always know all the time. We’re human, life challenges and tests us and changes us, always. So maybe love is something that also has to change and shift as we grow, too. Maybe love isn’t always a steady straight line, but something that follows along the up’s and down’s we experience as we live. The point is, real love doesn’t break. No matter what we may endure, personally or together. Real love endures all of that too. It’s not always beautiful and easy. But that in itself is okay, because it’s love.

So… that’s what love is to me. With all that being said, am I in love?

I can see so much of what I’ve written reflected in my relationship with Adrian. He’s my warmth, my laughter. I can see what I feel reflected in his eyes back at me when he looks at me. I have definitely grown to love our little home (our relationship) and all the work we’ve put into building it. It’s cozy, safe, and more than I could have ever imagined having.

But there’s still things about me that I want him to know. Without realizing it yet being slightly aware of it, I’ve been painting this perfect picture of myself by leaving out certain things that I may not have wanted him to know right off the bat. Like how I’m really bad with money (but I’m working on it!!!). Or how I’m actually quite a messy person, despite constantly asking him if I can help clean up or organizing his bedroom before I leave. I do genuinely enjoy doing those things for him, but when I’m at home I don’t care much about all the clothes piled up at the edge of my bed, it doesn’t bother me. How sometimes I get so caught up in the things I read that I try to live by them to the point that I end up having existential crises (that are much needed and appreciated inevitably, LOL). I’m not perfect, I really am so far from it, but I’m happy with me. I love who I am despite those things, and I hope that he can love me for all of me too. But he won’t be able to unless I actually give him a chance to get to know me, really.

And I wonder if it’s the same for him. Do I know all of him? Is he really letting me see him for who he is, or is he worried about letting me see the whole picture too? That night when he had his panic attack, he apologized the next day for acting “out of character”. But he was being human, he was being himself, and I was so happy to be able to see that part of him. Vulnerability is allowing others to see the whole picture of who you are – not just the parts you want to show.

I can’t force that vulnerability. It has to happen naturally, with time. I know I love him. I’ve grown to love everything I know about him, good and “bad” included (those words being subjective). And I know that you never quite stop learning about someone when you’re with them (which explains why you should never stop falling in love with that person because they won’t be the same person they are today a year from now). But until I feel like he knows me, all of me, and until I feel like I know all of him… until then, for now I will hold off on saying those words. They shouldn’t be planned, forced, or controlled. I’ll know when I know. I say it in my head all the time whenever we’re together because there’s so many things he does where I just automatically think, “god, I love you. I love this guy.”

But… I will not utter those words until I can feel it with every part of my soul, heart, mind, body and spirit to the point that I can it out loud with no holds barred, no hesitation. Because he deserves that. He deserves that kind of love, the love I described. And I care about him so, so, so much and I want him to have that. I want him to feel loved completely for everything he is, and I know that I can and I will.

He doesn’t deserve a half-hearted love, a surface love, a love that looks full from the outside but that’s hollow within. And the fact that I know this and want to abide by this means that I do love him. And so it will grow and become what it is meant to, in time.

And there’s my decision. When he reads that double-sided paper and tells me he has, I’m going to tell him that the reason I asked him to tell me when he read it was because I wanted him to know how beautifully significant that moment was to me. That his vulnerability with me on that golden summer day is the reason I knew without a doubt that this was right, and this was real.

I want to tell him all of this in person. So maybe I’ll ask him to let me know when he reads it, but that I have some stuff I wanted to say to him about it, in person (and I hope that doesn’t make him nervous because I know he spooks easily, LOL).

Holy shit the difference that writing honestly makes. I feel like my writing has regained a lot of lost quality and genuineness by just shifting to the mentality of only writing for myself. I think I’ll give myself a week of this, a week of being able to retrain myself to write honestly and authentically before I begin posting online again. I just needed there to be a point to all of this again, because I was becoming so disillusioned by it. But it feels good to reconnect with myself. To be honest, and unfiltered.

Well, that’s about it! I am now starving, so I’m going to reply to Adrian’s texts and get started on that Belgian waffle, mmmmm.

I’ll write tomorrow, although I doubt it’ll be anything of substance since I have work from 11-4 and school right after. We’ll see what I can do. If there’s anything I need to talk about though, I promise me that I WILL carve out the time for it, no matter what.

I LOVE YOU ME. IT’S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK GOD I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

Awwww. I MISSED YOU TOO, ME.

Okay that’s all!

Love, love, love, love, love,

Me.

(A quick message for anyone who does happen to read these logs I post – I will be taking that brief hiatus from posting my logs online. At least a week, or however long it takes me to remove that weird filter that has developed in my writing. Until I can get back to writing 100% authentically and honestly. I said myself “vulnerability is allowing others to see the whole picture of who you are – not just the parts you want to show.” Well, my writing has to be my vulnerability. I have to challenge myself to feel uncomfortable – if posting my logs online doesn’t make me the least bit nervous, it means I’m not being true to me or completely honest, so I’ll be going by that gauge. I’ll be back! I love you, love yourself, thank you for reading – it means the world to me. Love, me.)

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