Day 38 + 39 – February 7th & 8th, 2019

I always have so much trouble starting these things. Anything, really. Essays, assignments, studying. Not that writing to myself should equate to those things, but still. ANYWAYS!!!

Writing to myself… what would I like to talk about today?

Actually, I’m going to talk about the things I did that made me feel good today.

Today I sat down and I started breaking down all my finances. What I have, what I don’t, where my money goes, estimates on how much I spend on my expenses versus estimates on how much I SHOULD be spending. And so, I came to an efficient budget per week that should help me to start saving, once I start clearing away my debts. It felt SO GOOD!

I’ve got to be diligent and disciplined about this. Once my OSAP money comes in, it’ll give me a chance to start fresh and start implementing the strategies that I’ve come up.

What else did I want to talk about? What else has been on my mind?

Oh!!! I recently read over some logs around this time last year, and I wrote the EXACT same thing about feeling low despite taking care of myself. Could it be that I actually have something like Seasonal Affective Disorder and that winter actually gets to me a lot more than I realize it does? Because it was almost uncanny, how word for word I described then what I’ve felt now, even if different reasons did contribute to it.

I got to keep taking the Vitamin D supplements, seriously. Aaaand now I just did, LOL.

Something else that’s been on my mind – I keep thinking about what I want to tell Adrian when he tells me he’s read the paper. Like I keep trying to visualize it in my head and it keeps going in all sorts of different directions because I don’t know what I want to say or what I should say.

My gut says be honest – so do I be honest and say that it was all a part of this deliberate plan that I had? Hmm.

Remember, no over-complicating things.

I just want to speak from my heart, that’s what I want. I want him to know that that’s the moment that I fell head over heels for him, the moment I knew that this was going to be unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with someone and it SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME but I care about him so, so much and I want him to know who I am and I want to know who he is and I just… I just want this. So bad. I really do.

So, that’s what I’ll do. No fears, no hesitation, just honesty. I’ve been able to do that before and I can do it again. I have all the crystals I need to be openly communicative now after all, not just with myself but to someone who truly has come to mean the world to me.

Okay. I feel better about that. It was running through my head a lot today because I’m seeing him some time tomorrow so that we can get whatever we may need for our New Orleans trip, and then I guess we’re hanging out after (hopefully)! We also have to plan some stuff too.

Speaking of this trip – you know what I realized? I’m nowhere near as excited for it as I should be! Maybe it’s because it hasn’t quite hit me yet, but today as I began some research about the trip, the excitement slowly started creeping in.

YOU’RE TRAVELLING AGAIN!!! You’re feet are going to be leaving the ground, you’re going to yet another amazing place in the world!! That’s EXCITING! Be EXCITED!!! You’ve been planning this and trying to manifest it for so long and now it’s finally happening.

And like every trip you’ve ever been on, it’s going to change you, somehow, some way. It’s going to make you think, make you feel, give you experiences you’ve never had before, because that’s what travel is and that’s what it does to the people who are passionate for it, just like you are – it doesn’t matter where you go or what you do. Travel changes you, if you allow it to.

It’s going to be great. I’ve never travelled with anyone from my previous relationships; this will be the first time I travel properly with a significant other. I’m excited!!! And I know Adrian’s just as adventurous and go with the flow as I am, so I know it’s going to be amazing. Not to mention, 4 whole nights of getting to fall asleep beside him!?!?! That’s the longest we’ll have had with each other since we’ve began dating and I CANNOT WAIT!

I think that’s about it for today! It feels good to kind of tackle what goes on in my head on loop, because I bring it to the forefront and iron it all out. And I’m doing it for me.

Anything else I want to be honest about?

Oh yeah! I never really talked about what happened this past week with the whole dinner thing. This one’s going to be a tough one to write about whilst staying completely honest and vulnerable, but I promised I would challenge myself, so… here goes.

Okay so a little background (for myself so this makes sense) Sofia invited me to her birthday a while back, which was a nice gesture. I even arranged my work shift accordingly so that I could attend. When I look back now, yeah I suppose I wasn’t super enthusiastic because I knew who was going, but I figured it was fine since Leila and Krystal would be there. Plus, I’d even been doing some thinking about it and realized that I’m actually in a good place with that person I wasn’t looking forward to seeing now – like, no hard feelings. It is what it is and I’m actually glad things happened that way. (This was their joint birthday – which I found out later because I wasn’t in the group invite, which is actually making sense now). I also figured that we’re all adults in our mid-twenties and could handle a night of being polite with one another, too.

Welp, I was wrong – that person told Sofia that she felt uncomfortable with the fact that I was invited, so Sofia “supposedly” messaged me on Instagram to let me know that she was really sorry but she didn’t think it would be a good idea if I attended after all. Funny thing is, I never got that DM. In fact, I only knew anything about this because Sofia had told Leila and Leila told me.

In all honesty, I did laugh when Leila told me because it’s just all so high school man. Actually, high school wasn’t even as bad as this!!! Le sigh. Petty stuff.

I also just recently found out that yet another person I don’t really like is going to be there too and holy shit, I couldn’t help but think “damn, the Universe really does have my back”. As far as we’ve come and as much as I’ve let it all go, that would have been SUCH AN UNCOMFORTABLE EVENING. And why would I even consider putting myself through that when I don’t hang out with 90% of those people anymore? They’re no longer even remotely a part of my life – and not in a bad, resentful kind of way but in the kind of way where we’ve outgrown each other and THAT’S OKAY!! I’m okay with that!! I have incredible amazing people in my life, quality relationships with people who genuinely care about me, people I actually connect with.

It was just another sign to me that I really do need to reconnect better with my intuition, but I think I’m getting there and it feels good. No more of that. I’m not sacrificing my energy and my time out of “courtesy” or “compromise” anymore, unless it’s a matter of someone I genuinely care about and have an established relationship with.

Honestly though, between me and me – how did it make me feel? And be honest, me.

Least of my worries, and that’s the honest truth. I had a full on existential crisis, I’m dealing with financial issues, but leaving all the morbidity aside – I’m fucking travelling to New Orleans next weekend with my incredible boyfriend, I have everything I could possibly need, I have friendships I wouldn’t trade for the world, a wonderful job working for people who appreciate and reward what I do, so life is GOOD. I’m BLESSED. I don’t need people in my life who don’t want me there. In fact, when Leila told me, I genuinely felt relief. Because it meant that I wouldn’t have to put myself through an uncomfortable evening for the sake of being “nice”. And I’ve already learnt that lesson before – compromising my wants and needs for the sake of putting other people first (namely people who don’t give a rat’s poop about me) is not self-love.

And that’s that. But, when all’s said and done, I really do wish each and every one of them well. I have no idea what’s going on in any of their lives so I have no position to judge or assume anything. Heck, if I were that person, I probably wouldn’t want me at my birthday either after the last conversation we had. It would just be super uncomfortable, especially with the added pressure to appear polite and civil. I would have appreciated if Sofia had some respect and decency to actually message me and tell me herself, but knowing her, that’s a high expectation and we don’t know each other well enough for her to be honest with me. Luckily though, I have Leila, who’s always unfailingly honest.

So, thank you, but… next! (in the nicest way possible).

And universe – thank you, for always having my best interests at heart. I hope I can learn how to do that for myself too, unfailingly and consistently. I know I can, I already have, and I will continue to. And thank you, for sending me incredibly amazing people who also have my back.

Anyways! That’s all about that.

Anything else I want to talk about with me?

Nadamente, I believe. I’m excited to see Adrian’s face tomorrow. I just wanna kiss him endlessly. I still can’t believe how lucky I am sometimes. I was reading through my old logs of when we first started seeing each other and I just… I don’t know man. What do you do when you get everything you’ve ever wanted?

You stay thankful. Grateful. Keep counting those blessings and keep manifesting whatever else you want for you. That’s what you do.

True that! Okay me, I think we’re good for today. Yes I believe so too.

Until tomorrow then! If not, then day after that or whenever, LOL.

I love me, I love me, I love me. I am wonderful.

Love, love, love,


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