Day 41 – February 10th, 2019

I’m feeling a lot more hopeful these days. I feel like the Universe is slowly communicating with me again as I’ve consciously made the decision to both guard and invest my energy wisely in both myself and whatever I choose to expend it towards.

It’s been a lovely lazy Sunday in. I’m happy that I had this whole day to myself thus far. I stayed in bed until around noon because I never get to do that, and it was so nice. I feel well-rested.

I even had a really nice conversation with Radha (she sent me this link about how the stresses and emotional responses that we repress or deal with inefficiently turn into chronic pain and illness – in regards to my lymph nodes) and we got into a deep discussion that ended up being filled with different coincidences. I actually felt happy to talk with her and realized that… I miss her! I miss our talks and our deep conversations about the universe and energy. She was one the only other people I was able to have those kinds of conversations with, and by holding her at arms’ length because I was unable to express myself to her, I inevitably distanced myself from her instead of just being honest and moving forward with our friendship.

But I value our friendship, I really do. And I want to respect it. A part of the reason that I held back from saying anything was because I was afraid she would internalize it or be hurt by it, or not be able to handle my honesty. But that’s discrediting her – that’s underestimating her ability to handle adult conversations and communication. That’s not fair of me to assume that, and I’m also doing a disservice to both myself and our friendship by not communicating how I feel and leaving it to fester.

We’re hanging out this Friday before I leave to New Orleans to check out some crystals. So when we hang out, I’ll be honest and tell her everything I’ve felt before I started distancing myself from her. How it hurt when she compared us to that guy she was seeing (even if I didn’t really care about his opinion per se – just that she felt the need to compare us at all). How I don’t want our friendship to be a competition at all; I want us to be able to grow together and help each other be our best selves, but together. How I really care about her and appreciate our friendship with each other, and that I know it’s my responsibility to tell her how I feel and be honest with her. She asks me time and time again if I feel like we’re being equal with each other in terms of giving each other enough space to talk and I always lie through my teeth because I say I don’t need anything from anyone, and that’s not fair to me or her either. That’s me assuming that she knows what I need or that she’s a mind reader, and then when she openly asks me if she’s giving me what I need, I lie. That’s not fair.

I feel like the more meditation I do to cleanse and open up my throat chakra, the more confidence and ease I have openly communicating all the things I want to say. And after watching that video of the lecture that that doctor gave over the importance between the mind and the body, I really do feel like a part of the reason my lymph nodes swelled up with no indication, no symptoms whatsoever, or any source, was because I haven’t been openly communicative as I could have been these past couple months – with myself, or the people around me. Not to mention, I’ve stopped my sessions with Nadia so it’s not like I’ve had that consistent steady outlet to pour out all my thoughts and emotions to, and I even really stopped doing that within my logs, right? So everything kind of just festered within me.

So many different revelations these days!!! And reading through my old logs is helping me a lot too, because comparing the way I’ve been writing these past couple months versus how I used to write, there’s definitely a big difference. Like even the fact that I was typing and posting my logs directly online – I got so used to using everyone else’s fake names (identities) that I was creating a weird separation between my reality and the things I wrote about in my life, almost like a separate narrative that I was disconnected from. But this IS my life, regardless of whether or not I post it online or who’s named what.

Alrighty! After this log, I’m going to do some work in my new financial journal and check out that Google doc spreadsheet thing that Adrian showed me in terms of logging my purchases and keeping track of my spending. I’m a little worried that I was maybe a bit too… exaggerated, in how I told him about my financial situation. Like I hope I didn’t give him the impression that I don’t have any money, because that’s not the case – I do. It’s just the way I go about spending it that I want to become more conscientious of. It doesn’t mean that I want to stop paying for our dates sometimes, or treating him to stuff, or being generous, because that’s who I am and I’m not going to stop those things. But, I don’t need to Uber everywhere, and I don’t need ridiculously pricey stuff or an excess amount of candles, and I could do a better job of not going over my data every month (which is also a lot of where my money is going too). I’m just trying to learn how to budget the money that I do have, better.

I have this weird nagging feeling that I should clarify what I meant by that because I’m scared that he’s going to think that I shouldn’t pay for stuff or that I don’t have money or something like that. Or that I’m irresponsible. I don’t want him having the “wrong” impression of me because I care about what he thinks of me, which is why I’ve never really said anything about it before, you know? But I really am trying to be honest about who I am with him, because I want him to have that whole picture. Plus, that’s only my situation temporarily – this isn’t something I intend to identify myself with on a constant basis, this is something I have every intention to work on and rectify, like I did all my other… “personal problems”, for lack of a better word.

Hm. I like everything I just typed. I think I’m going to text it all to him, just so I do have peace of mind. Especially because we’re going on vacation now together for the first time and I don’t want him to feel like he’s going to have sole financial responsibility for this trip. I’m an adult, I made the decision to go, ergo I have to have the funds to do so, which I do.

Yes. I can be honest with him. Especially after everything last night.

I just read this quote on Instagram: “my current situation is not my final destination” and that applies to everything I just said, perfectly. The things I’m working on within myself at this moment do not define who I am. The resiliency of my character is what defines me.

Anyways – ABOUT LAST NIGHT!

Gah, where do I even begin? I so badly don’t want to miss anything that was discussed but if I do, it’s okay. I can always go back and add it in, and also it doesn’t really matter just how much of it I capture, as long as I get the essence of it all.

Okay so – side note, holy shit. I really do have such a hard time starting things. And like, sticking with them. Do you know how many times I’ve gotten up in the midst of writing this log to do absolutely nothing, or change something on the calendar in the kitchen, or open the fridge just to walk back, or just check my phone? Wow. My attention span is something I really need to work on because this is nuts. I can’t allow myself to endure this kind of low-level anxiety every time I sit down in front of a computer or try to get something done, this is insane.

Like as I’m typing this, I’m thinking about how hungry I am, and wondering if I should pause this in order to eat something and then come back to this after because that impulse is what’s capturing my attention at the moment. Actually… I am kind of hungry. And I don’t want to be distracted as I’m typing this log because it’s important to me. Okay… quick break, and I’ll be back.

Alright so that break ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be, but that’s okay because the night is relatively still young. Olivia came home and I filled her in on the whole story with all the details involved, and now I kind of have less of an attachment to getting all the details in because telling the story out loud is going to no doubt reinforce the important parts in my memory better. Nevertheless, I’m still going to type it out here for my own sake and to the best of my ability.

Okay so, when he first picked me up from work, we ended up getting stuck in traffic so we ended up talking for a little while as we waited to get out of it. And while we did, all of a sudden he was like, “so I read the note”, and TOTALLY CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, that was NOT how I was expecting that moment to go down LMAO. But in my silence, he leaned over and kissed me so sweetly in response to what the note held, which was so cute.

Once he pulled away, I was like “I’ll tell you why I asked you to tell me when you read it, in a bit”, (in an effort to buy myself some more time while I figured out what direction I was going to head in).

So we spent the afternoon going from place to place – we went to a bulk food store to get snacks for the plane rides, and then we went to a Walmart so I could grab toiletries and stuff. After we got everything we needed, we headed to a Starbucks in his area so that we could sit down and bang out a general plan for our trip regarding the things we would want to do or see and on what days.

And it went so well! We’re both very agreeable, flexible and go-with-the-flow, but we also still managed to come up with a game plan for each day that made sense time and distance wise, which made me so, so happy. We really are so alike in both our organizational aspects AND flexibility. I CANNOT WAIT TO FEED GIRAFFES HOLY SHIT. And even though he’s not the biggest fan of the paranormal, he still wants to do a scary voodoo-tour with me :’). He’s so great, honestly.

Anyways, here’s how the conversation happened: once we finished planning through everything, I started flipping through my little pocket book and I blurted out how bad I was with spending and how I’ve been trying to keep track of my expenses in order to be more conscientious about my finances, and he didn’t seem phased at all! Although he did notice as well how much I use Uber (heh), but suggested some great ideas as to how I could go about monitoring what I spend and stuff. He told me about this app I can use to keep track of it all, which was so helpful.

After that, we started talking about his friend that he was planning on meeting up with later, a friend he’d had from high school.

Oh man. I don’t know why but I’m only realizing how long this conversation actually was and all of a sudden it’s so daunting to try and write down all of it, LMAO. Maaaannnnnnnnn.

Okay. Maybe I’ll elaborate at a later time, but for now – we basically ended up talking about what each of us were like in high school, and in university. He told me about how he’s basically stayed the same throughout both, at least in the important ways. But we touched upon the anger that he used to feel when he was a kid, the anger he related to in the metal music he became accustomed to listening to. And I asked him if he still felt any of that old anger (because it was anger he was entitled to, with everything he’d been going through at the time as a child. His mom had been battling that cancer for about ten years before she passed away).

He explained to me that he’d come to terms with a lot of that anger, and that he no longer woke up in the morning feeling angry at the world.

And finally, I got to ask him about his ex. How they met, what their relationship was like, what she was like, what led to them breaking up, how he knew he wanted to, and why. All of it. And he answered every single question I had so openly, so freely, with no defensiveness whatsoever (which is amazing, because that means he isn’t holding onto or harbouring any latent feelings about it any longer).

I even asked him if she was his first love and he said she was, but that love doesn’t always last. Either way, it was nice to know that despite everything they’d been through and however he ended up feeling towards her, that he did love her, that she was a big part of his life.

We talked for hours and it felt like minutes, just like it did on our first date. He asked me questions too, and I told him very honestly what I was like when I was with Nick. How I was terribly insecure, jealous, attached, constantly checking my phone for texts, possessive, the works. And I told him that despite how far I’ve come from that, I’m far from perfect and still a work in progress, and he said we’d work on ourselves, together, which I loved.

Finally, he asked me again why I asked him to tell me when he read that particular note. And I just… locked eyes with him. And I can’t explain it but… I got the weirdest feeling that he knew exactly why I had asked him to tell me. As though he knew exactly what my plan had been the entire time and he was watching to see if I’d go through with it after all.

I didn’t.

I told him all the things I planned to say instead – that that was the moment I knew for sure that this was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, maybe unlike anything I ever would. That that moment was so incredibly important to me, and I wanted him to know just how much. I told him openly how happy he’s made me, that this is the happiest I’ve ever been. That I never believed or imagined I could have anything as good as what we have with one another.

Because in that split second moment as he was gazing at me, I realized that there really is still so much we have to get to know about each other, as beautiful and open and honest as those prior moments were. And I want him to know all of me, the same way I want to know all of him. I want to be bursting at the seams with that love before I say it out loud. I don’t even care if he says it back in that moment. All I know is that I want it to be my absolute truth before it’s his, too.

But it was a lovely moment either way. He told me that I’m the first person he wants to tell all his amazing news to, that his friends love me and think I’m perfect for him. He told me that he wants to know all of me too. That he’s never been happier either.

Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for that entire conversation to go any other way. I feel like I finally asked him so much of what I’ve wanted to ask for so long, and told him so much about me too. We’re really connecting, and on our own terms too.

I can’t wait for this trip with him. I’m sure it’ll force us to come out of our comfort zones with one another even further, and I’m truly looking forward to that.

Okay, it’s late now and I should get some rest before work tomorrow! But until the next time I write.

Love, love, love,

Me.

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