Day 42 + 43 – February 11 & 12, 2019

I don’t know why, but today honestly felt like a whole week in one day. There was another massive snow storm today so I didn’t go anywhere, and I did stuff – I organized my finances, shovelled the driveway, added some more information to my NOLA tour list, and then I even went outside to get some good cardio by making a snowman for a couple hours.

So, on today’s episode of “What’s On My Mind” –  friendships, in general.

Adrian’s still friends with people he’s known from ELEMENTARY school. I’ve had incredible friends come and go in my life for a very long time. And 99% of the time, it’s been me leaving. I left my friendships with every one I was every close with in high school, most of the girls from University, even Radha for a time being until I came back to our friendship. I’ve broken up with pretty much EVERYONE who’s been in my life for any longer than a couple years, and that goes for my friendships too.

LMFAO, do I have commitment issues? What the hell is this new pattern that I’m suddenly seeing?

It’s like, I get this weird feeling like I’ve “outgrown” people, and I dip. I ghost. I’m on to the next, no problem.

I mean, it could be that I’ve served my purpose of being in their life and it was my time to leave, you know? Sometimes you’re not meant to stay in someone’s book, you’re only there for a chapter and you dip.

But who’s going to be in my life for the book, I wonder? And I even found myself wondering today – do I have a faulty choosing-mechanism when it comes to friendships?

I did when it came to relationships, but I’ve changed that. Does that mean that my outlook on my friendships are changing too now because I understand that I deserve more?

What is this “more” that I’m seeking from my friendships now?

Here’s what I want from the friendships I choose to invest in, in my life:

Definitely authenticity. Genuine connections, vulnerability. Conversations that make us grow, think and feel. I want support and encouragement, not competition. I want pure and real happiness for one another – like actually being able to be happy for each other because their happiness makes you happy as well. Laughter, lots of that. And love.

Basically kind of what I want from my romantic relationships. I guess it doesn’t really matter what kind of relationship it is – the basic needs/necessities stay the same. I don’t think I’m asking for too much.

I feel like I’m re-evaluating my friendships now too. I guess that’s a good thing though. It means that I love myself enough to demand this level of quality from all aspects of my life.

But I want to be able to do so, as me. As my earnest, honest, happy self. I want to be able to do everything with the best of my intentions because when I look back, I won’t have any regrets whatsoever.

And I want to be light-hearted about this too. Because, whoever is meant to end up in my life is more than welcome to be there. And whoever isn’t – just like everyone else who is no longer in my life – will be thought of fondly and wished well.

Anyways, I should probably wrap this up because I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow; I’ve got class in the morning, work after that, and then I’m hanging out with Avery after for the first time in a really long time.

I’m glad he’s making an effort for us to do so, even though it’s going to be pretty late. Just another opportunity for me to gauge who exactly deserves my time and energy! We’ll see.

I can’t wait to go on this trip, holy shit. I need to get away so bad, so so so bad.

Alrighty, I shall write soon!

Love always, love for realsies,

Me.

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