Day 56 to 58 – February 25th, 26th & 27th, 2019

Hello! To meeeeeee. It’s been a couple days since I wrote a log, so I figured I’d check in with myself and see how I’m doing. It’s a snow day today, but I did go to half my class – yay me! LOL.

I also did a pros and cons list today while I was in class that I wanted to talk about. I was sitting in class when I started feeling kind of unsettled and I started wondering whether or not I really wanted to finish my degree. I feel like I keep asking that question and I don’t really take the time to come up with the answer.

Another thing I’ve noticed – I’ve been trying extra hard to distract myself lately, and I’m not sure from what. Boredom, maybe? I still don’t think I’ve fully recuperated from my travel-blues yet. Just a week ago, I was in Dallas airport eating some fro-yo with my legs all comfy in Adrian’s lap while we waited for our delayed flight. Le sigh.

Anyways – I did a pros and cons list like: pros/cons of NOT finishing my degree, vs pros/cons of FINISHING my degree. Turns out the category that weighed out all the others was the pros for finishing, which isn’t surprising I suppose. And the cons in each category were about the same – if I finish, I come out with a ton of debt and no guarantee of a job, not to mention I’ll be a lot closer to my 30’s with a butt ton of debt. The cons of not finishing were that I’d most likely be kind of disappointed in myself, and my mom would be devastated, and it might not be too easy to get a job either way. I guess the cons of not finishing weight out the cons of finishing? It depends on perspective though.

I asked myself what I want and the answer is always the same: I want to travel the world, whenever and however I want. That’s my deepest dream, my biggest desire. I’d make a career out of it if I could, or at least pursue a career that allowed me to do this as much as I could, in order to have a life here.

I’m not sure how my degree factors into that equation. But I mean… after all this time, is it worth it to give up now? I’ve spent years in school, not really trying to “finish” per se, but trying to make up my mind (and this how now become a very costly decision).

I do like psychology. It’s always been a very fascinating subject to me. And I do enjoy school, and learning. It’s the whole application of all that where I struggle somehow. If I could maybe fix that – work on my discipline, attention span and dedication whilst learning to separate my personal feelings about it all (how difficult it might be, how long it’s taken, etc.) then maybe I could get through this in a timely manner.

I wouldn’t mind having that degree under my belt. I don’t know where it could take me but at least it’ll give me options.

Whatever is meant to be shall be. I believe that as I continue down this journey of understanding what I want from my life and how I’d like to it to be, that the answers I seek will come to me. I have every faith in that.

Anyways – this week has been going well. Bea seems to be adjusting okay, and I really want to help her find a job because she seems to be kind of bored and doesn’t have much to do around home. And she even said that keeping busy will help her with her home sickness too, so the sooner the better.

Friday I finally have plans with Avery – he called me a little while ago just to catch up a little, asked me about my trip and how everything was going. We didn’t get a chance to hang out before I left because we keep having these weekly scheduled snowstorms, LOL. I haven’t seen him since like last year, so hopefully it doesn’t feel weird or anything! Not that it ever does feel weird when we hang out, even if it is after a long while. We’ll see how it goes! I get to start discerning whose energy feels right in my life as of now.

It seems like I’m going to be getting plenty of hours this month, which is great! But also I have like 3 exams this month LOL. So I’m definitely going to have to take school a little bit more seriously this month and start studying properly. Especially because they’re like one after the other. Le sigh.

I wonder if I can get Adderall from somebody LMFAO. I’ll see what I can do.

ANYWAYS! How am I?

Well, yesterday I found a whole bunch of amazing books – on crystals, chakras, tarot cards, and kindness. And at the same time, two books on intuition I ordered have also come in! So I have plenty of reading material for March when I need to take a break from studying.

You know what? I think I’m going to make a pact with myself right now. Starting March 1st – no more Netflix. Like binging – if I have an off night or a date night and I’m watching a movie, that’s okay. But no more of this wasting hours upon hours of watching the same shows, wasting my time, and then wondering where it went.

I’m officially declaring March to be a “grind month”. School and work will be the priority, along with building myself (good habits, exercising discipline, focusing on saving, meditation, etc.) I’m going into hibernation mode muthafuckaaaaasszzzzzz! Okay that was unnecessary but also yes.

And then when April begins and my parents leave to Sri Lanka, I’m going to party all month LMFAO. Let’s gooooo!

Okay I’m excited. Tomorrow is the last day of this month, and yes I have plans Friday night and Saturday night, but come next week I’m going to be in full-on study mode.

Anyways, I think that’s about all for today. I’m excited for this upcoming month! February honestly just breezed by in the blink of an eye.

The end of this month will mark a year since Adrian came into my life. And April 10th will be a year since our first date. Man, time flies. And at the same time, it feels weird to be that it’s only been a year because I feel like I’ve known him forever. I still remember how it felt walking back into Elizabeth’s apartment after our first date – my legs felt all numb and tingly after we hugged, and the dazed, faraway look on my face made both my mom and my sister question if I was okay, LOL. I actually had to sit down.

You think that your soul knows when something monumental happens? Because that’s what that felt like. How do you explain a reaction that big and consuming without quite knowing where it comes from, you know?

Le sigh. It’s been such a wonderful year.

Well, I think I’ll spend the rest of today maybe reading some of my new books, or taking a nice hot bubble bath. A little bit of me-time will do me some good.

I’m happy and I’m thankful that I’m happy.

Love always, every day, and in every way,

Me.

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