Day 73 to Day 87 – March 14th to March 28th

So it’s currently 1:45 AM and I’m slowly coming down off of a very lengthy Adderall… experience? I’m not sure if I want to call it a trip per se, because I’m not tripping. It’s definitely a journey though, that’s for sure. There’s so many things I would like to address, so many thoughts (good thoughts, thoughts of value and substance) that I would love to catch and write down but I have to be okay with the fact that thoughts (in their truest nature) are like sand slipping through your fingers, or fluffy clouds – they look solid from the outside but really you could fall right through if you tried to land on one.

Writing as honestly and simplistically as I can to myself in this moment – today… today was something else, it really was. I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s see: I decided to study, sat down and took the pill and next thing I know I’m figuring out all the current academic worries in my life that I’ve been too afraid to delve into for fear of seeing what damage has been done. Not only that, I organized EVERYTHING. The fear suddenly dissipated; in fact, all my emotional entanglements, perceptions or personal feelings about my circumstances suddenly became so much less significant. The only thing that mattered was the objectivity or fact of it all, and what steps could be taken now or next.

Clarity. It’s as though my mind were some body of water, and all the waves just stopped. All the dust settled to the bottom. The water became so clear and crystalline that it now seems like glass from above. And I have sunk peacefully down to where I can see everything, in peace. In silence. In stillness.

The motivation is/was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And it wasn’t just focused or directed at studying (but it was when it was, completely and utterly). It was a pure, unadulterated motivation and will that shone into places in my mind that I have forgotten about (voluntarily for the sake of compartmentalization bordering on denial).

Long story short – I think I do have ADHD. I don’t know. I’m not like, tweaked out or wired. I’m just… calm. And focused. For the better part of this day, I was happy, a little hyper at first, and then just peaceful.

I feel myself coming down off of it now and I’m scared to go back to what I know to be my reality LMAO. In comparison to this utter clarity, I’m worried that my perception of reality will suddenly feel hazy or cloudy. It almost already does, when I look at how I function on a regular basis.

All I know for sure is – one, nothing matters. Like in the sense of the things I worry about, the things I fear. It’s as though solutions fall into my mind before the worries have a chance to truly solidify or manifest. Two, everything is going to be okay. I promise myself that I’m going to be better for me in ALL aspects of my life, the way I did my mental and emotional well-being.

I’ve written down some things I know I need to do to move forward and break this habitual pattern of my erratic academic history. I need to make an appointment with my incredible family doctor and talk to her as openly and earnestly as I can about this. Every concern, every truth. I also need to educate myself on this matter and exhaust all options before I decide to start depending on medicinal means. If there’s any holistic/spiritual/cognitive way that I can help myself with this potential diagnosis, then I would like to explore those avenues first.

It’s time I delve into this for once and for all and start asking the questions and finding the answers that will truly free me from this cycle that has plagued me for most of my childhood, teenage and adult life. In a way, if this really is the answer, I would feel nothing but relief. Because the certainty of that answer would grant me the means and motivation to say, “okay. What next?”

I accept every part of myself and love myself for who I am. But if there is anything I can do to help myself, push myself, then I absolutely must do those things for the sake of that self-love and for the sake of the happiness, peace and stability I deserve. This is yet another chapter of my life that will bring me closer to my life’s purpose, my personal dream. I will not stand in the way of myself. I will help myself through.

I have time. I have all the time in the world. Anxiety and fear has no place left in my life, in my mind, in my heart. I don’t want it anymore.

I have a wonderful life that I am so truly thankful for. I have my loving family, my incredible sister, a partner I could have only dreamed of before, and friends who add such value and meaning to my life. I have a new job now, a promotion I’ve received as a result of the Universe’s faith in me, my hard work and my belief in myself. I have a healthy, fully-functioning body that allows me the privilege of doing pretty much anything and everything I set my mind to, including travelling the world and seeing all that it has to offer. I have a sound mind, and a compassionate heart. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am lucky.

I create my reality. I manifest what is meant for me with the help of the Universe. I understand that there is so much to this world, to this life than meets the eye. I have witnessed magic. What is there to be afraid of?

What, in this life, would prohibit me from having everything and anything I could possibly want for myself, other than me?

I just realized – it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve written a positive and uplifting log like this. I used to write them much more frequently when self-enhancement and self-love were my main focuses and priority. I fell into autopilot again without even realizing I had. By mindlessly sinking into the same old mind-numbing addictive habits of re-watching and binging the same shows over and over, of scrolling endlessly through feeds of images or ideas with little to no substance, by lowering my standards of what information I process or what I allow myself to give energy to. I forgot. I grew careless and undisciplined.

Today, I deleted Instagram and Netlix off of my phone with no second thought whatsoever. In this state, it became all too easy to see those things for what they were – vampires. They stole hours upon hours of my valuable time, drained me of my creativity, my passion, my will, my energy, my motivation. I admit that it was my choice to make; it was the path of least resistance – addictive in nature, but a dull empty pleasure that only the autopilot numbness can bring about, if only temporarily.

How will I feel when I wake up tomorrow? (if I do ever fall asleep LMFAO)

Right now, I have no urge to download those apps back. I want my time. I want my creativity. I want my passion, I want my life to be in vivid technicolour. I want to be present again. I want to feel like I have time once more, the abundance of time that choosing to indulge in those apps took away from me.

I can see the possibilities unfolding before me now, as a result of this day. With no Netflix or useless Instagram scrolling to take up all my time, all my hollow claims of wanting to return to the gym can now become a reality. I’ll have more time to paint, to allow my mind to roam peacefully with the boundless freedom that comes from unstifled creativity. More time to write. More energy to meditate. More time to get my affairs in order regarding my academic state and mental-health. More time to devote to my new position. More time FOR ME. More time for others. Less time spent staring at that brightly-lit phone screen. Less stress and anxiety that comes as a result of feeling like I don’t have time or that time is passing too quickly. I will learn to become present once more, and as a result more focused, at ease, and motivated. Discipline will become my first nature because it will reinforce the habits that truly add value, meaning, and colour to my life, a genuine happiness.

I keep saying I’m not an advocate of the “system” we’re all entrapped in, enslaved to and taught to abide by. But a part of that system is buying into, attaching value and investing time and energy into social media/media binging in an effort to stay “consistent” with the content that society has deemed of absolute significance. SIGNIFICANCE TO WHOM!?!? AND WHY!?!?!?

I think what is meaningful and important is definitely unique to each and every individual. It’s important to me that I also don’t fall into any mental traps/standpoints of believing that any “way” is the “right way”. Whatever makes everyone happy/at ease/at peace/content in their life and whatever way it takes for them to attain that state is right for them. But what’s right for some isn’t right for all and time and time again, life finds a way to show me that in so many different aspects of my life.

I have to stop conforming to what I’ve been taught. I can’t attach any significance or meaning to graduating at 30 (if I do decide to graduate at all), or when I move out, or how I choose to live my life or how I decide to spend my time. And what I mean by that “significance or meaning” is, I cannot concern myself with what it means to ANYONE OUTSIDE OF ME. I have to stop caring about how people perceive me and I need to stop revolving all of my choices around those perceptions because I will NEVER be truly happy if I continue to do that.

WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I WANT!?!?! ME!!! NOT ANYONE ELSE, BUT ME!!!!

I have to do everything and anything it takes to answer that question, but NOT according to anyone’s standards/expectations/perceptions but my OWN. Otherwise, I’m going to spend the rest of my existence blaming everyone around me but myself, for choosing the things I did.

I never realized how deeply entrenched my indecisiveness really is. I’ve always thought of it as some surface aspect of myself, something I could work on with minimal effort and eventually it’d go away. But you know what? This is more unconsciously rooted than I’ve realized myself. I understand now that I’m not as completely free of the fear of the outcome as I once believed I was. It’s still buried there somewhere deep in my psyche. I can’t seem to make any concrete decisions regarding what I want for myself regarding school because I can’t seem to dissociate that decision from my external surroundings in order to find clarity within. Hm.

Whoa – I just opened my phone out of curiosity to check for any potential notifications and when I realized there weren’t any, my immediate impulse was to click the exact spot where Instagram used to be, automatically. I can’t believe how ingrained that reaction has become and it’s actually really fucking scary, what the fuck man. How the hell did I become so programmed without realizing!?!?!? Jesus Christ. I do believe in moderation, but fuck no you are not downloading that goddamn app until that impulse becomes a distant memory with the utmost certainty that it will never, ever return again. NOPE.

Another thing I noticed today – I sat down to eat earlier, and again my unconscious impulse was to bring my phone over, open Netflix and put on an episode of the Office so that I could… DISTRACT MYSELF FROM EATING??? How did I let this happen!?!? Okay, that question isn’t going to help me much I’ll admit but still man, it’s mind-fucking-boggling, damn son.

God. Please, me. Please. This is… Adderall me? Clear me? Higher-vibrating me? Motivated me? I don’t know, this is you talking to you. An aspect of you that is addressing your… “normative” functioning self, the self that operates on a daily basis.

You did the absolute right thing today. You really fucking did. Please do not undo this massive step forward you’ve just taken. If you ever, ever feel tempted (because by God we know full fucking well how hard it is to break an addiction) please just come back to this log. I am BEGGING you. DO NOT RELAPSE AND DOWNLOAD THOSE APPS. PLEASE. I love you, I love you so much and I want us to be happy, to be present, to be our best and most fully-functioning selves. I don’t want you to have to rely on these pills to feel this clear-headed or “awake”. You can do this on your own. You can BE THIS on your own, I truly believe that. Just, don’t give in to the mindlessness. Stay mindFULL, and watch how your life transforms. I swear to you it will. You KNOW that it will, you know it. That’s why there was some part of you, maybe it was me, that was begging you to return to doing the things you love, like painting. OH GOD, even while you were painting you had Netflix on in the background, do you remember!? Why?! You have nothing to run from, to escape from; you have NOTHING TO FEAR!!! Allow yourself the complete stillness, peace, happiness and beauty that being present can bring to you because you deserve it so, so much, you really do. Everything in your life will fall into place and happen exactly as it’s meant to if you just stay HERE, right HERE in THIS moment, right NOW. Enjoy every single day that you’re given to the exquisite fullness of each minute. Do everything that you have to do, one thing at a time, without worrying about the next task and the task after that. Give that same passion that you have for the people in your life, to the things that you do, every single thing you do, and your life will overflow with abundance, peace and meaning. It all starts here. And you know, it seems so menial doesn’t it? Deleting two apps off of your phone; seems almost insignificant. But it’s not. You know it’s not. It’s more than just that. I want the quality of your life to wholly reflect the deep and sincere love I have for you. I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. And I know you want this too. I think I’m fading out now, but I’m always a part of you. If I’m the inner voice, then you know that I’m always speaking to you. Maybe you’re hearing me a lot clearer right now, but I promise you. If you just clear away the clutter, get rid of the empty and meaningless distractions that add no value to your life, I swear to you that you will always hear me, clear as a bell. I’m always with you. I love you. We’re going to do better.

It’s been a crazy day. It’s officially 3:04 AM now, and I’m starting to remember what tiredness/sleepiness feels like. I think it’s time to call it a day but holy fuck. Holy shit man. This was quite the epiphany, if you can call it that. Nah, it was like… remembering. Remembering with the utmost vivid clarity.

Even if I do have ADHD, I don’t think I can be in this state constantly, this level of calm-focus. I don’t know. I’m scared it would become… my norm? Would I take it for granted? Like I’m happy with my normative-functioning self too, you know. I know she can be forgetful, distracted easily, indecisive, and she can’t focus sometimes. But we’re working on that, and I don’t want her to become dependant on anything outside of herself to feel this way. I love her too much for that.

Maybe there’s a healthy in-between. A dosage or natural treatment that would allow me to function just a smidgen more efficiently without messing with my chemical/hormonal makeup too drastically. A middle way. There’s always a middle way.

Last time I did Adderall, I felt this way too. I felt like I could take on the world and do anything. I just need to learn how to harness that feeling and make it accessible to myself without the use of the pills, somehow. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I forgot what I wanted to say next, which means it’s definitely wearing off heh. Oh well. I love me, all of my me’s, every part of me, every state of me. Drunk me, clear me, sober me, high me, crying me, laughing me, hyper me, mellow me, you name it. Even the indecisive, unfocused, forgetful me. I love that me too.

Tomorrow… well the morning coming up after the brief nap I’m about to take, I have important things to do. I’m glad I’ve scribbled everything down and written up all of this. It’s going to serve as an important reminder in case I ever do “forget” and slip into old habits again.

And a solemn warning to myself too – no matter how clear, how good, how decisive, or peaceful this state feels, I CANNOT GET DEPENDANT UPON OR ADDICTED TO THIS STATE AS INDUCED BY THE PILLS. Aka no pill addictions, okay? You can’t go from one addiction to another. Just, be. And do your best. You can do this.

I just yawned and I’m so happy LOOOOL.

Okay, sleep time. I can’t wait to read all of this tomorrow.

I love you so much. Please don’t ever forget that or lose sight of the importance of that love, and everything it needs and entails. No matter how much love you receive from outside of you, never forget that you have to do your part to maintain it from within just as equally too.

You’re amazing. You’re going to find exactly what’s meant for you, and I know you know that.

Love, a brilliant, dazzling, ever-present love,

Me.

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