Day 127 to 147 – May 7th to 27th, 2019

Hello!

It’s been exactly 20 days since I’ve written last, and going through my recent logs, I’m just realizing how much I haven’t written in this past year. I was doing pretty well in February for the most part, but then March, April and this month have all become a bit blurry.

I’ve been doing some vague thinking that I would like to make concrete. So I’m just going to get right into it.

For the past two years since the start of 2017, I did some very intensive work on myself. I cultivated new habits that led to a transformation in who I was, a transformation that changed my life. I incorporated self-love, self-compassion and acceptance into my life with a degree of discipline but also openness that changed the entire quality of my life.

2018, I reaped the rewards of my actions. I spent the entire year in a steady arc of happiness, emotional and mental stability. I met Adrian, whom I thank the Universe for as often as I can.

And this year?

I became complacent. I stopped meditating. I stopped writing. I stopped working on my book completely. I stopped doing the things I loved, for myself. I haven’t read a book that’s resonated with me since last year, I believe. I became… lost. And it showed. The same way I reaped the rewards of the changes I implemented last year, I had to accept some pretty dire consequences this year.

Once again, I’m in a place in my life where I have to pick up the pieces of my decisions (or lack of).

Here’s some hard truths I have to deal with that are currently causing my anxiety.

I’ve been debarred for two years at York. I just recently received the email, confirming my fate. I did not receive the grade point average that I was meant to in order to have the debarment warning be lifted. On top of this, my standing with OSAP has most likely been compromised as a result. I haven’t even begun to take the necessary results in order to clarify what my educational standing is, at the moment.

I can’t even think about it without becoming anxious. But, I’m doing well to cope with it by reminding myself that I’m not being completely passive.

I have an appointment with a counsellor from St. Michael’s Hospital coming up on June 4th. I went through with my prior appointments before I left on my vacation and on my last one, I had a bit of a break down regarding my concerns about potentially having ADHD. I told my doctors that I’m tired of living my life this way and that I can’t do it anymore. That I need answers. My main doctor confirmed that perhaps I had something to gain by going through with the assessment, and that if the results did come back that this is in fact something I live with, then we could move forward with a medicinal/mental health treatment plan, or a combination of the both.

So, I’m not completely sitting around and just twiddling my thumbs (or living in denial). Whenever the anxiety comes up, I always think that there’s nothing I can do about the situation right this moment, but I am trying to do my best to come up with and pursue solutions.

Depending on what happens with the ADHD assessment, I’m going to incorporate the results into my academic petition and FINALLY hand it in, after all of these years. And then we go from there. In the meanwhile, the only choice I have left at this moment is to work and take some time to reassess the direction in which my life is headed and what exactly I want from it.

Hopefully, I can do this with my new counsellor. I miss Nadia and I know I will continue to, but with my current academic status, I’m no long eligible to using the campus personal counselling services any longer. So, hopefully everything works out okay with my new counsellor, as I’m sure it will.

Anyways, back to what I was saying before.

So yeah. I was doing all this work on myself and the minute I got the results I wanted, I stopped doing all the work. And I know I’ve written and acknowledged this before some time during this year, in two or more of these past logs that I’ve written. But despite the acknowledgement – I didn’t do any differently!!! (Other than taking a brief moment to travel, which really helped to open my eyes. But more on that later).

I can’t be the person I once was in any capacity. I can’t stand for it. I love myself too much now to fall backwards into old habits or old patterns of thinking and reacting.

I need discipline more than I’ve ever needed it before in so many different ways. I need discipline like human beings need a spine – I cannot function on a base level nor can I stand straight (or at all, for that matter) without it.

There’s a part of me, the part of me that has grown and developed into being in the past two years who has become trapped and buried amidst all the bad habits I’ve accumulated in this past year alone. She’s there just smiling kindly at me, at peace, waiting for me to come back. She totally understands why this has happened and she’s not judging me for it – she just wants me to be happy again. To feel the ease that comes with doing what’s best for yourself. The unshakeable inner peace. The consistent and genuine happiness.

I vow to return to her again.

It’s time to get back to meditating consistently every night. I’ve been thinking about it so much lately, but I always wait until the very last second when sleep is about to overtake me, and then I become too lazy to get out of bed and follow through. Which means, I need to change my sleeping habits – no more of this sleeping super late and sleeping in as a result. I’m cutting away valuable time from my day as a whole by sleeping in until 10 am.

I need to start writing more frequently. If I can’t manage an everyday basis (which shouldn’t be true now that I’m cutting down my hours at work to what I want them to be), then I should at least commit to 3-4 times a week.

These are two very key things that I need in order to monitor and understand my own mental health. Everything else will follow as a result – the better quality books, working out consistently, eating healthier and maintaining proper boundaries. I know this because I’ve experienced it directly. But in the meanwhile, one small hill a time. There’s no need to incorporate all these things at once. One thing at a time with a steady discipline.

This is a good lesson to me. Life isn’t all about quick fixes. Quick fixes usually don’t last too long. Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do, as short as it may be. There is no “one thing” we do in order to maintain the quality and happiness in our life. It’s a lifelong mission and journey. This isn’t a bad thing – in fact, it’s beautiful. We’ll always have the opportunity to choose to do differently for ourselves, at any point in the time we’re alive. It’s never too late, and you never stop learning. And that’s so, so beautiful to me.

Anyways, I know there’s a lot more things I need to write. I need to do an in-depth check-in with myself because I haven’t done so in a very long time, and I also need to catch up and update myself with my understanding of the outer circumstances that are currently my narrative and life situation. So maybe I can make that my goal tomorrow, since this was a pretty good first step. I managed to sit down and make it through a log without abandoning it for my hunger, or my phone (for distraction).

One thing at a time. You know you can’t live your life this way, and you know that you don’t have to. So let’s do differently. Every day that you’re given is a fresh start.

Love you always,

Me.

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