Day 148 + 149 – May 28th & 29th, 2019

It’s been a while since I could just write two days in a log title!!! It’s almost a foreign feeling to me now.

Anyways, I’m happy to report that for the past couple days, I’ve been doing quite well! I managed to get more than one day off this week (I was off yesterday, and now I’m off for the next two days), and I’ve returned to meditating nightly (started on Monday night), and I’ve started reading my book again today (instead of the useless scrolling), and I already feel the difference.

My mood is happier, I had a little less anxiety today, and two nights of meditating have already made a world of a difference in regards to my mindset. Let’s keep this momentum going!!!

I think I’m going to use this log to catch up with myself, because it’s honestly been so so long.

So, let’s see… how have I been?

Let me break it into parts so that I can do some due diligence to every aspect I want to cover. Alright so: mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually (all on a personal, me-based level). After that, I’ll do: relationship, friendships, work, school, and whatever else may be on my mind.

Alright here we go!

Mentally: what a roller-coaster it’s been this past year so far. The lowness, the anxiety making a come-back. The days I could barely muster up the energy to get out of bed. I know it’s mostly a result of getting complacent in my writing, my meditation, but still. It’s been a little tough. I’m glad that I travelled when I did, to the Bahamas. It was a much-needed trip and a much-needed act of self-love to remind me to wake up, and take my life back into my hands.

I’ve made some good movements towards my mental health – I’ve had a couple appointments with my doctor (who’s amazing), and she’s recommended that I start seeing the clinic social worker before they refer me to an ADHD clinic. I’ve already filled out my preliminary assessments for the ADHD clinic, and now I’m just waiting to hear back on what my doctor will say about them.

I know everything will work out for the best, I just have to make sure that I’m doing my best for myself as well, you know? I can’t leave it all up to positivity and the Universe – I have to do my part too, and never stop working towards it.

Emotionally: my emotions have been pretty closely tied to my mental state as of late. Like on the days I felt low, my emotions matched the lowness. I felt sad, lethargic, restless. But since I’ve come back from my trip, I’ve literally been feeling so much better. My moods are back to being consistent, I haven’t woken up feeling low in a while, and my reactivity is a lot better now too.

I did have a bit of a breakdown the last time I saw my doctor, right before my trip; I got emotional while I was explaining a bit about my past to her, and my current predicament regarding my school situation (more on that later). I broke down because I became overwhelmed, and I told her that I was so tired of living this way and that I needed answers. She was super sympathetic though, and she promised me we’d find a way to change things.

So as of late, I have been doing a lot better. My moods are better, I’m happier, and I love that travelling has the power to shift my mental and my emotional state so drastically. Only, I can’t depend on that solely. I have to remember that I need more than just that, or else travel will simply become an escape that I depend on, and I don’t want that. I don’t ever want my love for travel to become an attachment-based need.

Physically: oh boy, this one’s a doozy. I guess it goes to show that the minute you start neglecting what’s going on on the inside, it’ll truly start reflecting on the outside. Before I went off to the Bahamas, I battled a “flu” unlike any that I’ve had in a very, very long time. I was feverish for four days straight, and my fever got so bad at one point that I was delirious and so, so weak. Thank goodness my family was there to take care of me, because honestly at that point we were considering taking me to the hospital.

Since then, I’ve been trying to get over a lasting cough and sniffles. Whatever I had, it hit my system very hard. And I know my body – when I start to neglect my mental health, my physical health goes right out the window with it. It’s like a blaring siren, warning me to take better care of myself.

I know I have to make an effort to eat healthier. I’ve lost about ten pounds because I’ve been eating less, but that also means I haven’t been consuming proper nutrients and vitamins that may be necessary to my physical health and the support of my immune system. Not to mention, I’ve stopped working out completely and that’s something I need to bring back on too. But, one thing at a time. For now, I’m just focusing on reinstating my meditation and my writing. The other things will follow suit in due time, I’m sure.

Spiritually: this section is a good section. I haven’t thought about where I stand spiritually for a very long time. I feel like I kind of came to this place last year, and I haven’t really thought about it since. I haven’t found the proper tools (or books) to feed my knowledge or curiosity about, but maybe that’s also because I haven’t been curious about it for a while either.

I think I kind of lost sight of my relationship with the Universe in this year. (By year, I mean within 2019). I lost touch with my faith, my trust in the process. I got lost in the surface aspects of life and I forgot how important it was to feed that faith and make sure I was still conspiring with the Universe.

I went to a metaphysical spiritual convention with Krystal and Chad, and that was the first time this year I genuinely felt at home in myself. I need to go back to those roots, figure out how to inspire myself once more. Recapture that feeling that reading “The Alchemist” for the first time gave me. I haven’t felt that inspired since that year of wonderful reads. My last good read was probably “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” and even that was mediocre, at best.

So, I’m announcing to the Universe: I’m ready to get back in touch with you!!!! Hellooooooooo, it’s meeeeeeeeeee again! Send all the books my way, the people, the moments that make me stop and realize there’s so much more to this life. I miss the magic, the synchronicities, the signs, all of it! I want it back.

I’m hoping that as I continue to meditate, my connection to the Universe will strengthen once more. I’ve already seen the power that meditation can have in life because I’ve experienced it directly myself.

I can’t go back – I can only move forward. And even though these past couple months have felt like a giant “step back”, it was merely a low dip the series of hills that my life journey is. It’s time to make my way back up.

Alright! So that concludes my personal catch up. Now, onto my current outer circumstances.

My relationship.

I’m literally sitting here, smiling like a goof LOOL. But honestly, I don’t even know where to start, (in a good way).

Things have been better than amazing between Adrian and I. It’s just so easy, always. Nothing has ever felt more right than this; none of my past relationships have ever been this good, I’ve never experienced love like this before.

It’s funny – you always think that your first love teaches you real love. And it definitely does, to a certain extent. But you realize, as you grow older, that your capacity for love is so much greater than you ever knew possible.

I can’t even begin to express the gratitude that I have that Adrian found his way into my life, that we found each other. I know we’re both growing individually as people, but together we compliment each other in ways I never even knew could be possible.

I’ve always loved hard. So, so hard. My love is big and passionate and at times in the past, all-consuming. But here, in the house we’ve built with one another, my love is safe; it is received and returned ten-fold. It’s constantly reflected back at me, in his eyes and in the words he says to me. In the way he holds me, the way we’re entwined when we fall asleep together.

A distant old part of me fears having it this good. But when we’re together, when I’m with him, I’m completely present. There’s only him, only us. Only that moment, right there and then.

Once upon a time, I never believed I could have it all so I settled for so much less. I thought that I may as well get what I could because I’d never have more than that. I settled in ways that were big, and in ways that were quiet. I tried to focus on the good and I boxed away all my needs for the sake of making things work.

I can’t express how tightly interwoven my gratitude is with my love for him. There is no one without the other. Even after over a year of seeing one another, I still can’t believe how lucky I am sometimes. And I try to tell his as often as I can. I appreciate him so much, for everything he is and everything he does, and I hope he never, ever has to question that.

So yeah. Things have been good. Hehe.

Love letter aside – he was so wonderful about me travelling by myself the way I did. I asked him point blank if he doesn’t mind that I was going by myself, and he told me he would never want to hold me back from something I loved. And I asked him how he was so okay with it (when generally, most guys wouldn’t be) but he reiterated that he trusted me and trusted in us.

And recently, we had a conversation regarding our perspectives on marriage and weddings (generally, not in regards to our relationship – way too soon for that), and we both agreed that weddings are a social scam created to satiate the needs of everyone involved as opposed to a special moment that is about the couple themselves. We both agreed that the stress weddings bring about prior to the event itself definitely wasn’t worth it, nor the money that goes into making it all happen. Of course, to each their own, and weddings truly can be beautiful and fun sometimes. But that’s just an opinion that he and I happen to share – it’s just not our cup of tea.

(So… shotgun wedding to Vegas is a definite maybe? LOL JK. Maybe. Kidding. Kind of. Heh).

Speaking of weddings – the one he invited me to with all of his family is coming up this month, on June 22nd! I still have to buy a dress but I’m excited to go dress shopping soon! I hope I find exactly what I’m looking for – I want something lavender/pastel purple, something floaty and airy yet classy and a little sexy (since it’s a June wedding). We’ll see! I’m sure that dress is out there somewhere waiting for me too.

I know I don’t have to be, but I feel like I’m going to be so a little nervous about meeting the rest of his entire family at this shindig. Luckily it’s a big ass wedding so I won’t be put on the spot, and luckily he’s not in the wedding party so hopefully he won’t have to leave my side much. Not that I can’t hold my own, but you know. It’s a big thing, and a lot of people – he’s got a massive family, and I think about 300 people are attending this wedding.

But, I’m also really excited because I can’t wait to dance with him or take shots with him or look at him all adoringly when cute wedding moments happen, and I CANNOT WAIT to see him in his suit because I know I’m going to have a hard time not passing out, LOL.

I’m also really looking forward to having yet another wonderful summer with him – last summer we had so much fun together, and this is our first summer being officially together. I can’t wait for the beach dates and cottage weekends, the sunsets and the golden twilight hours. Sigh.

Being 100% honest here with myself, Adrian is end game to me. I would never, ever, ever tell him that, at least not for the next 3-4 years LOL. I feel like if I start talking with that certainty, it would scare him off. We’re good with being present and taking things one day at a time. In fact, our pace has been nothing but perfect.

But from the start, as this progressed, and even as we’re still getting to know each other… when we met, it felt like coming home. I want this to be it. I’ve never been happier than this. I know that time can change things and tomorrow is never guaranteed. You never know what the future holds, or how people can change or what they can become. But… I don’t know, I can’t explain it. I just… can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else at this point. I really do believe that we have many soulmates, no matter what lifetime you’re in. And I know that he is one of mine, but he’s the one I want to choose for the rest of this lifespan. (And if I meet him in the next one, well then I’d choose him all over again).

I know, I’m such a diehard romantic. But hey… when you know, you know, right?

Onto the next! Friendship.

I’m pretty happy with my circle of friends at the moment in all honesty. I don’t have to keep up with everyone on a constant basis in order to know we’re still good to hang out whenever, and we actually have very deep and meaningful conversations whenever we do meet up, as though no time has passed. I don’t feel like I’m expending more energy than I receive, which is a really good thing.

I haven’t really hung out with Avery in awhile. He was making effort to make plans and keep in touch with me, but it’s been me who hasn’t been reaching out as of late. I should, but it also feels natural this way too. I’m not sure. Whatever is meant to be shall be. He still feels like a good friend to me though, despite the distance.

Anyways, that’s about it on the friendship front. I’m glad I’m living my truth and being honest with myself and maintaining my boundaries.

Speaking about maintaining boundaries – onto work.

(Side note – I forgot to add family to this list, but I’ll get to that part after I talk about school.)

So April really took its toll on me. I worked so much that I didn’t even truly get to enjoy my parents being gone for the whole month. And then it took its toll on me physically, when I got super sick before I left on my trip.

It made me realize – I’m very much grateful for my promotion. But I can’t allow my boundaries with work to fall down as a result of my gratitude. I don’t owe anyone anything, I’ve worked for this. My work ethic speaks for itself, and I deserve this. Ergo, I don’t need to be working more than I agreed to. I agreed to 25 hours a week, and since I’ve begun my new position, I’ve been working upwards of 30-35, sometimes almost 40. That’s full-time hours and that’s not what I agreed to.

I know Maria needs me and depends on me. In fact, at this point, I’m the most dependable person she has on the team. But I can’t be to the capacity that she expects of me, where work becomes my life and I end up getting sick.

This week, I watched as Maria made the schedule and I made sure it was exactly what I wanted it to be, hence why I got my three days off. And what a difference it’s already made.

I have to watch and enforce my boundaries when it comes to work. I also need to remember to keep a healthy discernment between good work ethic and being consumed completely by this job. I can’t care more than I should, nor should I get involved in anything that has nothing to do with me. In, and out. Not my monkeys, not my circus. And that’s the motto.

I intend to be very conscious about this and put my foot down where need be. Hopefully the foot being put down won’t be necessary and the Universe hears my wishes and conspires alongside me on this one. I promise to do my part as well though, as much as I can.

I am happy with this job though. As long as it doesn’t come home with me, I have complete faith I can continue to do well with it and it in turn will give me what I need, financially.

Onto the next – school!

So I think I briefly touched on this one in my last log. I’ve been barred from York for two years effective this September, but I’m working on getting that decision reversed. Thing is, a part of me doesn’t even know why. Well, I know why. I mean, I want my degree. But I think this is the summer where I work through the resentments I have towards my parents regarding this degree, and figure out completely how to want it solely for myself first and foremost, whilst working through my potential ADHD issues.

I promise myself I won’t let this go unresolved. I have to do right by me, and I’m taking the necessary steps to give myself options while I figure out what it is I truly want from my life.

I think that’s about it regarding school. Last but not least, famolaaayyyyy.

My mom and I sat down and had a really good, conducive talk. Actually, she wandered into my room a couple nights ago, all quiet and morose. I know she has depressive episodes from time to time, and rather than take out her anxiety on us like she usually does, she actually sat and talked to me and we were able to understand each other. She seems to be doing better since, and it made me realize that if I don’t do my part to understand her, she’ll never be heard or understood, and she’ll always feel like she has to yell to get her point across.

My dad is my dad, still the same. He’s definitely aging rapidly, and it’s kind of strange to see.

Olivia still worries me, LOL. I keep having to re-learn the same lesson of trusting her process without fearing the consequences her lessons may come with. Her life is her own, and I can’t protect her from it without perhaps shielding her from valuable growth she may need. I guess that’s what being a parent is like, once your kids are older. It’s watching and loving from afar but being there as you’re needed, trusting that everything they’re experiencing is a part of who they are becoming and that you did your job as a parent to instill the right values.

Not that I’m her mom. Although sometimes it does feel like we had to parent each other at times. Interesting.

Anyways!!!!! Wow, this was a long ass log.

I think that’s about it. I know my short-term goals for now (consistent meditation, and writing) and I have faith that everything else that I aspire to achieve for myself will fall into place as a result, just as it has before.

Well, that’s about it for today. I have the next two days off, and I don’t have any plans with anyone for once (although I am hoping to see Adrian on Friday since I won’t be able to over the weekend). So I basically have my days to myself! I intend to paint, read, hopefully get some sun, and just relax. Maybe I can even take a second look at my book and reorganize my vision.

To quote Miley Cyrus (or Hannah Montana, more accurately), “life’s what you make it, so let’s make it rock.”

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

Goodnight!

Love, love, love always,

Me.

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