Day 93 to 126 – April 3rd to May 6th, 2019

I’m sitting here in front of my laptop after a long day of work. I haven’t written in over a month, not to myself, not at all. I’m almost afraid to do so now, after all this time. But I think it’s getting to a point where I really have to.

I want to say that not much has happened since my last log, but that’s not really the case. A lot has happened. It’s tough to know where to begin, or what to focus on. I would love to catch up on everything I’ve missed – I’m like genuinely sad that I might have to look back on April of 2019 and not remember too much, when it was actually such a good month for the most part.

It went by so fast. I think I did my best to enjoy it.

I’ve been adjusting to my new position. It’s a little bit more responsibility than I thought it would entail – since I’ve started, I’ve been working pretty much every day. I don’t think I’ve had more than two days off a week since the beginning of April. In fact, this last week I only had one day off.

Okay, cutting to the chase – I’ve been going through some seriously bad lows lately. Last week on my one day off, I ended up in bed after my doctor’s appointment with no motivation whatsoever to get up, or do anything. I felt miserable, and I honestly can’t explain why. Furthermore, usually I’m pretty good on a social level. Like okay, I’m terrible at replying to text messages. But making plans and following through, usually I’m good with. But last week? The social anxiety was real. I didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone.

And then there’ll be days when things feel better and I actually force myself to go out, or have fun. Things will be good for about 3-4 days. But then that same feeling makes its way back.

I’ve always been a pretty generally happy person. But these low days, I can’t even muster up a genuine smile. I know people are starting to notice at work, because I’m usually the happy, smiling, energetic person who’s always happy to go to work. But these days, I come in smiling and about five minutes in, I become withdrawn and I don’t talk to many people.

Is it me? I truly believe in the power of the mind and the ability to choose positivity. I really want to smile and mean it, I want to be able to listen and talk to people the way I always do without getting anxious or uncomfortable. But even with that, my tolerance seems to be waning (which is insane, because I honestly love being there for other people).

Logically, what this means is that I’m not making enough time for myself or that I’m not doing things for myself that I should be. There’s obviously some kind of self-neglect going on that’s leaking into the other aspects of my life. After all, maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself is the key to maintaining all other aspects in life, right? A healthy tree has healthy branches.

I recently went for that doctor’s appointment that I was meant to go for (the one that I previously missed because I couldn’t get myself to wake up on time – yet another thing I’ve been dealing with). I told her about my suspicions and we have a longer, more in-depth follow-up appointment this week so we can start a preliminary assessment.

This is all good stuff, I know it is. I also think the reason I’m in this funk is because after all the reading I’ve been doing about ADHD, it brought up a lot of triggers that maybe I haven’t dealt with properly.

It’s a lot. Like. A lot of the book talks about how developing ADHD is a combination of a biological predisposition, but also very heavily environmentally influenced as well. How vital and important it is to have a proper attachment with your primary caregiver. How unconditional positive regard is what fosters a healthy relationship and a healthy mindset for a child.

This is hard to write. I have the strongest impulse to stop writing this, to pick up my phone and scroll through, draw this to a close and go to bed.

First, I know it’s not her fault. I know she was dealing with so much, I know she wasn’t properly educated on what a child needs, I know she was taught to think in certain ways, and I understand she herself has had/has anxiety/depression and doesn’t know how to deal with it properly or healthily.

But man. I think I have some serious resentment issues when it comes to my mom.

It’s so evident in our conversations with one another. There’s literally no one in the world who knows how to jab at me like my mom does. No one who triggers me as badly, even if it wasn’t intentional. And lord knows she tried to do the most for us, but man the amount of counter-will it instilled in me as a result of being forced to do things that maybe, in another life, I actually would have loved to do.

I don’t know what to do. I think this may be a big part of why I can’t get through my degree. Because somewhere in my brain, I’m wired to believe I’m doing this solely for her. I don’t even know if or how badly I want it for myself. Ergo, the counter-will kicks in as a result of feeling forced, and I’m left with literally zero motivation to go through with it.

It’s so messy. I clearly need more therapy. That’s definitely something I need to work through if I do end up deciding my degree is something I want for myself. I still have a lot of rewiring to do.

I love my mom. Somewhere amidst all the other feelings I have towards her – the anger, resentment, shame, guilt, etc., there’s love there. There’s a deep need for approval too, though, a need that’s dictated a lot of my life. I grew up believing that her love was conditional my whole life – that if I didn’t do well, her love for me and her basic happiness and well-being hinged solely upon my “failures”. Love and positive reinforcement only came when we did well, and even that was just barely.

A part of me knows that culturally, this isn’t new. I’m sure there are many people who go through this form of conditional love growing up, the idea that they HAVE to be successful and do well in school to make their parents happy. So why did this/does this affect me so much. Is it because it’s in combination with having an alcoholic/compulsive gambling dad? Is it a cocktail of environmental setbacks that may have led to my inability to focus, my lack of motivation?

Is it just me?

Hopefully, I’ll have answers soon. I can’t live like this, live my life never living up to the potential I know I have. Live my life not truly knowing what I want from it, what I want it to look like, for me.

Anyways, I probably should head to bed now. I actually feel a little bit better having returned to writing. I need to start meditating again too, and working out as well. The holy trinity of well-being, LOL.

Side note – I’m off to the Bahamas next week, one week from today incidentally! I need the beach more than I’ve ever needed anything ever, LMAO. I can’t wait! I’m going on my own, my first solo trip since Belize last year. I’m sure I’ll miss Adrian, but I’m happy to be travelling on my own once more. It was such a wonderful way to connect with myself, to enjoy my own company. I think I need to get back in touch with myself once more, and there’s no better way to do so than through travelling.

I really want to write more this month. I clearly need it. I can’t slap band-aids on these “problems” and hope they’ll go away. I need to keep doing the things I’ve implemented in my life in order to keep the quality of my life.

Until next time then (which will hopefully be soon!)

Love always,

Me.

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