Day 150 to 162 – May 30th to June 11th, 2019

Hello! It’s been a little while since I’ve written last, but it’s safe to say I’ve been doing a lot better since I’ve started writing again. I’ve gotten a little lazy lately with meditating, but I’m determined to get on track with it this summer. And I will.

I don’t think I wrote about my latest doctor’s appointment, so I’ll do a quick update about that and touch upon some other thoughts I’ve been thinking lately.

So, I saw the clinic’s social worker. She wasn’t informed about why I had been referred to see her, so I gave her a little background information about myself, and I explained what I was going through currently, and why I was there. She seems really nice, and she promised that we’d collaborate with my family doctor in order to get things moving. She made it clear that she wouldn’t be doing the diagnosing, but that she could help me with the more menial things, like how I would go about managing my life and aspects of it.

She did refer a course to me – a six week course on mindfulness and meditation that once used to be very expensive but was posted online for free for anyone to do. I’m definitely interested in doing that, since I don’t have school at the moment. It’s just a matter of finding a moment (which I have plenty of, I just always have trouble starting things. And finishing them. LOL)

Anyways, I have a follow up appointment with them both in about two weeks, which I’m really looking forward to. I really want to get to these answers as soon as I can. The quicker I have that certainty, the quicker I can start considering what I’d like to do with the rest of this year and the years to follow as an inevitable result.

I’m not worried anymore though, honestly. I had some pretty serious anxiety about it before. But now? I have faith. I know that no matter what ends up happening, my path doesn’t have to look anything like what I’ve been told, what I’ve been taught, or what other people’s paths look like. I also have complete faith in the fact that no matter what I choose to set my mind to, as long as I’m at peace with myself, I can do anything I want. I can learn anything, be anything, do anything. And I’ll be more than okay.

Every day that passes, I’m reminded once more of the things I continuously learn over and over. About boundaries. About choices.

I want to choose to be happy, each and every day. To choose the good over the “bad”. To not place such importance on either, because none of it really matters (in the best ways possible – everything is temporary). I want to remember to maintain my boundaries, remember how important they are. Remember that I can only give so much, no matter how much people may ask. I only have so much for myself as it is.

I want to use my time wisely. I have so much of it, and yet because of the choices I make, it sometimes seems like I barely have any at all.

So, one day at a time. This summer, I’m working on me again. With the support of both myself, and the wonderful people around me, little by little, I’ll get back on track again. Already, I’m feeling so much better. I can’t lose sight of what’s important.

Works been going well – this week is going to be a little bit hectic because we have our massive VIP event and then Father’s Day weekend right after. But after this week, “summer” mode officially begins. No more massive events, not for a little while at least. Ahhh, I can’t wait!

And, I’ve booked off both weekends after this weekend. Next weekend is the wedding of Adrian’s cousin (which I’m still trying to nab the perfect dress for, wish me luck), and then on the Monday and Tuesday after that weekend, me and the work girls are going to Niagara!!! We’re going to have so much fun, and it’s finally going to feel like the summer!!

The next weekend after that (which is Canada Day long weekend), Adrian and I have plans to rent an AirBNB and do a little getaway weekend, just the two of us. I’m so happy that we find such special ways to spend time with one another, and I’m so excited to get away with him.

Today was a good day! I helped out Marilyn with her resume, and she’s looking forward to starting a new chapter in her life. I truly and sincerely hope that she’ll be able to get the job that she wants, because I genuinely think she’ll be great at it and that it’ll be good for her.

And I think it’ll be good for our friend group as a whole, the more of us that leave the hive. It’s just, being cooped up together in that little department on a constant basis doesn’t do any favours for our friendships with one another, especially being in a competitive commission-based environment, you know? And everyone has such good qualities too, and I love everyone, but when you’re forced to spend that much time with people, the resultant clash is inevitable here and there.

A lot of changes in the air this year, and I think that despite the implications these changes seem to hold, I truly think that everything’s for the best. In one way or another. You can’t get attached to things or places for too long, I guess that’s how you create comfort zones.

I’m glad that I’m also remembering to take moments like this to myself when I can. I’m currently sitting outside on the porch, listening to music, soaking up every ray of warm sun that I can. With everyone being home all the time, it’s hard sometimes to find a moment to just be on my own. Lord knows I appreciate so much when I have the house to myself, because those moments are few and far between.

It’s been weird, these days lately. I notice sometimes there are days where people reach out to me more, sometimes randomly or out of the blue, more so than usual. And every time, I’m faced with the choice of how I want to expend my energy and whether or not I should.

It makes me wonder sometimes if I really do have the capacity to become a therapist or counsellor. I don’t know if I could do that on a constant basis unless I was super disciplined about maintaining boundaries and taking the time I needed for myself as a result.

Anyways, I think that’s about it for today! I think I’ll read a chapter of my new book (which has been really illuminating in regards to living with ADHD and how you can deal with it, if you have it or even think you have it).

Speaking of, before I go – so much of what I’m reading in this book reminds me of Olivia! I’m so sure she has it too. But maybe she’s not in a place where she’s ready to tackle it yet, and it’s not my place to force these books on her if she’s not ready. She has to want to come to these conclusions on her own, I know. Le sigh.

I hope she finds her path soon, I really do. It’s not easy to stay on it, believe me I know. But she deserves to find it, and I hope one day she wants it bad enough to get on it at all.

Well, I think I’ve emptied my mind of all my thoughts! Message to the universe from me: Hey Universe, it’s me! Thank you so much for showing me that every day I’m given, I have something to be grateful for. I know you always have my best interests at heart, because I am you and you are me. The intention I’d like to set for this log is this: help me to strengthen my intuition, because I feel like it’s been off lately. Perhaps clouded by old wiring or previous habits. Teach me ways that will help me to clarify the clutter, so that I will once again be able to hear my own inner voice ring as a clear as a bell.

Thank you! And I in turn promise to do my part to conspire with you too. I have a feeling I’m meant to get this specific book called “Know The Truth” and I was meant to for a while now. We’ll see what it holds!

Love always,

Me.

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