Day 175 to 199 – June 24th to July 18th, 2019

Hello! Goodness it’s been a while since I’ve written.

On the brighter side, I have been meditating much more consistently – I actually feel the urge to before I go to sleep! Like I feel that need. Which means a good habit is definitely on its way to forming.

Which also means, as that habit of mine slowly solidifies itself, it’s time to start taking on another habit of mine that I think I actually miss quite dearly – writing. Every day again, without exception.

I’ve been reading an incredible book that’s helping me to get back in touch with the Universe, to strengthen my bond with it and faith in it once more. It’s called, “The Universe Has Your Back”, by Gabrielle Bernstein. I feel like she’s speaking directly to me in the way she writes, telling me exactly what I need to hear.

So, slowly but surely, I’m getting back on track to myself. And so, it’s time to write an in-depth catch-up to the best of my ability without getting distracted (which is strangely difficult because I’m doing something that I enjoy.)

I usually do the whole “mental, emotional, physical” etc. thing but I think I’m kind of… lazy? I shouldn’t be, if this going to be an in-depth log. I think instead, I’m just going to free-write and see whatever comes up. I know I feel the need to write, so maybe I owe it to myself to just address what ever comes up and write about it however I please, as honestly as I can.

Let’s see… well, I’ve started my ADHD assessment, officially!!! I’m honestly so excited about it. I do feel like I’ve been searching for answers for very long time and taking this step forward for myself will finally give me the clarity that I’ve been searching for.

I was so hesitant about it before because of how expensive it is, but after doing one last consultation with both my doctors (who both offered me their most honest opinions possible), I realized that this was definitely something I wanted to do for myself and there wasn’t any way I could turn down an opportunity like this in good faith.

Honestly, I’m like 99% sure that this is something I’ve had since childhood. And even if I have it in a milder form where I fall somewhere on a spectrum, I just feel like the more I understand about it and consequently myself, the more I can do to help myself accordingly.

I’m not afraid of it, I’m not mad about it, and I’m also not going to use it as a safety blanket or a way to take responsibility away from myself. In fact, if this diagnosis does come back the way I feel it’s going to, I’m going to take full accountability for it and try my best to do differently. They’re going to come up with a personalized treatment plan for me after a series of rigorous tests. It’s called “differentiated diagnosing”, where they do every test under the sun to rule out what it’s not in order to confirm, without a doubt, what it is.

So far, I’ve done the full-hour preliminary assessment where they ask me a whole bunch of questions about myself, my family history, my past, mental health, and various questions regarding different mental illnesses. After that, I did an hour-long learning test where they tested my learning skills and capabilities to rule out any learning disabilities such as dyslexia, etc. It was actually quite difficult (which I don’t really know what that means, but heck no I am NOT in any way unintelligent, I don’t care what any test says).

We’ll see how it goes! I have my next assessment this Monday and I believe that this is the more mental/emotional one, so I’m looking forward to it.

I think that’s about it regarding that. I’m curious about being put on medication. Will it change me? When I took the medication that Kash gave me to study, I didn’t feel any less myself. Just super calm, super clear-headed, motivated, and focused. It felt nice, like my head was finally out of water and I’d been drowning without realizing the whole time.

I’m excited. This is exactly what I need. This will help me with my struggle with consistency, discipline and motivation, I’m so sure of it.

Anyways! What next, let’s seeeeee.

Well, my low days are getting less frequent and less intense I feel. This book I’m reading has been helping me so much, along with frequent pep talks from Radha. I’m trying to be consciously free of fear, consciously trying to choose faith and love on a daily basis. Slowly but surely, I’m reigniting my connection to the Universe and bringing myself back to the state I was in last year. I’m starting to notice synchronicities and signs again, which makes my heart so happy and so content.

Summer’s been flying by it feels, but I think I’m making the most of it. I’m working less than I normally do, and by some miracle I have every weekend off since I’m mostly available to work during the week. I’ve been to the beach a couple times already, and next weekend we’re headed off to the cottage for our annual summer trip. I’m so excited! I can’t wait to be in my favourite place again, with the people I love, surrounded by nature and peace and nothing but the sound of a faint breeze over the water.

Everything has been wonderful between Adrian and I, and we’ve finally gone through some more… interesting moments, outside of our little love bubble. I’m glad though, because it was very reaffirming and grounding and I love him just the same.

And I really want to talk about these moments, but oddly enough I’m starting to get a little anxious? I think it’s because I’ve been sitting here for a while (and also getting up and getting distracted) trying to finish this. I really need to get back in touch with my love for writing, and that good feeling that follows. Maybe I just need to be more honest and open with myself, instead of just writing my surface thoughts and emotions. Am I afraid of being vulnerable with myself all a sudden? I don’t think I have anything to hide, even from my myself.

I’m just going to go with the flow and see where things go. I know better than to try and force things anyways.

I think I’m going to take a little break from this for now and come back to it. Although it did feel good to be more honest with myself, to write in a way I know is going to be for my own eyes only.

Until… later! I love you, me, I always will.

Love,

Me.

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