Day 200 to 215 – July 19th to August 3rd, 2019

Hellooooooooo my precious blueberries!

I am back and what a wonderful couple weeks it has been! Goodness me I have so much to catch up about: the bridal shower, receiving my diagnosis, the cottage, the shroom trip, and beginning my medication process!

Oh boy. That’s not all though, I also want to talk about Radha, and whatever else comes to mind.

Alright, where do I even begin? I think I’ll backtrack and start with the bridal shower.

Okay so Rosie-May’s bridal shower. I was honestly so nervous at first, because I knew I’d be seeing all of Adrian’s aunts there, and Adrian wouldn’t be there (until much later), which meant I was going to have to hold my own. In some weird way, I knew the bridal shower would be kind of like a bit of a test of character, or a “get-to-know-you” kind of thing. But, I was up for it.

I came just in time (phew), and Rosie-May seated me with a bunch of her friends from work and other places, and they were so friendly. It was perfect, because it was easy for me to introduce myself and get to know everyone. I noticed that just diagonal to my table however, was all of Adrian’s aunts. I said hi to each and every one of them one by one with a cheek kiss and a hug, as per tradition, and respectfully.

It was such a beautiful shower. Massive too, probably the biggest one I’ve ever been to, which is probably an indication as to how big this wedding is going to be (but I have the perfect dress for that so I’m excited hehe).

After brunch and some introductory games, dessert was put out and oh man. There were about 4 full tables of every Italian pastry, cookie and dessert you could imagine. It was HEAVEN. I filled up my plate and I was about to head back to my table when I locked eyes with one of Adrian’s aunts. She smiled and I mustered up the courage to head over to talk to them and see how they were doing.

When I noticed that one of the chairs at their table was empty, Adrian’s aunt invited me to take a seat with them and I immediately did. And from that point, everything was perfect.

I learnt their names (finally!) and a little bit about each of them as they took turns talking with me and getting to know me in turn. They were absolutely wonderful, so warm and welcoming. They each have such a distinct personality, they’re all such characters, but such kind people and it was such a humbling experience to be able to sit with them. They “adopted” me into their table, so I didn’t go back to mine, and I played all the table games with them too.

I think by the end of it all, they seemed to like me just as much as I’d grown to like them. There was this moment where Rosie-May mentioned that Adrian’s and Vincent’s mom, their sister, should have also been present for this occasion as well and that she was dearly missed, and all of them starting crying in unison. I myself teared up, it was such a touching moment.

I feel like even though I never met her, I can see her in her sisters. I can see her in their smiles, and in the kindness of their eyes, and in their humour. Apparently she was a riot, very witty and sarcastic – so, it’s easy for me to see where Adrian got his humour from. I know she was there, and that she’s still here, living on through her family and through their love for her.

I love his family. They remind me so much of my own back in Sri Lanka – big, loud, rambunctious, constantly laughing, a little nutty, but filled to the brim with love, loyalty, kindness and warmth. It felt like being home.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to seeing them all again soon at the next wedding – which is actually a week from today! Adrian invited me to yet another one of his cousin’s weddings, hehe. He’s honestly so lucky he has all his family here. Not only is it wonderful to be able to see them and spend holidays with them, he also gets to attend all these weddings! LOL.

Well, that’s it about that! Next is… ah yes, my ADHD sessions and the conclusion.

The sessions were so interesting honestly. I did a learning disability test, I did a whole screening in regards to a whole bunch of other mental illnesses, and finally, I had a full psychiatric assessment particularly in regards to ADHD.

One of the first things she asked me was, “do you believe you have ADHD?” and I said I did believe that, and even if I didn’t, I’d figure something out.

After asking me many questions about my family history, my own personal history, after poring through my childhood report cards with me and asking about my current state of being when it comes to school and daily life, she finally looked at me and said…

“Yes. You do have ADHD.”

I can’t even begin to explain how deep my sigh of relief was. All I could think was, finally.

Finally, I had the answers I’d been searching for all this time. Finally, I could take the next steps forward into my life with the clarity I’ve been needing for so long. Finally, everything clicked into place and my whole entire life made sense.

This has been such a long time coming. I think I’ve known this for so long, but to finally hear it out loud and have it confirmed by one of the most renowned clinics in Ontario, it just… made everything that much more real.

The psychiatrist immediately printed out a letter for York explaining that these past couple years are not a true reflection of my academic capabilities, and I only just received this diagnosis. Officially, I have Inattentive ADHD to a moderate severity. Moving forward, I am to work alongside Accessibility Services at York in order to do my best. That means a separate room for examinations, notes if I need, and potentially – less loans from OSAP and more grant money. I also now have the means to complete my Academic Petition and submit it, finally.

I would like to complete all of it and submit it by September, no later than that, in order to be back in school by January. I’m also hoping by then, I’ll have found the right medication and appropriate dosage as well so that I’ll perform as optimally as possible when it comes to studying, exams, and motivation in general. Now that I know what I know, there’s nothing stopping me from getting this degree. And genuinely, I do want it. I want it for me.

Wow. I was reading through some of my old logs about when I first began this process and I was smiling the whole way through. I did it. I DID IT! I did something huge for myself by pursuing this, by following through on this. This is going to be a massive shift in my life. I can feel it.

It’s all so exciting. It feels good to be doing this for me, doing something this monumental for me and me alone. I feel like I’ve forgotten how good it feels to consciously act in self-love, and self-care.

Okies, next! The cottage.

I honestly believe that weekend was the peak, the pinnacle of my summer. It was hands down one of the best weekends I’ve experienced in this entire year thus far. It was… perfect.

I was a bit bummed out at first because last minute, Radha cancelled. She fell ill, but even before she fell ill, she kind of made the decision to not come beforehand after a very intense weekend she’d had with Kade on MDMA. I almost feel like her illness was a physical manifestation of how badly she didn’t want to come, because she needed a legitimate excuse as to why she shouldn’t. But eh, who knows. I’ll talk about that more later.

But honestly? I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. My cousins were able to come instead, which meant that Bea had some company as well, and therefore everything just felt balanced in some way. Not to mention, Krystal, Chad, Adrian and I spent a lot of time hanging out, and Olivia had Trevor, so there was a chance that Radha could have felt left out, or lonely. So in a way, I understand her reluctance to come without Kade as well.

On the Friday, me, Olivia, Trevor and Adrian headed up early and it was so much fun. We did all the road trip stuff together like pick up groceries and alcohol, stopped for food and gas and all that jazz. Once we got there, we all cooked together and yet did our own thing too. Olivia and I looked at each other at one point in amazement and a bit of incredulity because it all felt so… adult-y!!! LMAO. We still feel like such babies, but there we were, cooking along side our respective partners and organizing things and whatnot.

It was so nice. It feels like we’re making the most of our twenties, exactly as we should be. These are supposed to be the best years of our lives, and I don’t want to spend all of them so deeply concerned about what’s to come next. What will come will come, and we will face it when it does (to quote Hagrid from Harry Potter).

Anyways, eventually everyone else came too, and the first night was so much fun. It was good vibes all around – we were drinking, smoking, playing cards against humanity, just enjoying the night and each other’s company.

The next day, was the wild ride – the shrooms trip.

This day. This day was probably the craziest day in my life. I feel like I experienced almost every human emotion possible – that that one day was a life in itself. It was a play, with many acts. It was… beautiful, exquisite, humbling, grounding, freeing and so much more than words.

At first, it took me a while to adjust to the “flight upwards”. I zoomed up into this trip so much quicker than I ever had before that it was almost uncomfortable. I paced in the woods, tried to come to terms with the discomfort and the nausea. Honestly, it took me a couple hours to settle into it.

But once I did, everything was so beautiful and so vivid. Adrian’s eyes became greener than the forest behind him, his skin was golden and so wonderfully sun-kissed – I literally told him he was “god-like” and “beautiful”, LMFAO. Kristen’s hair became purple, and it was literally dancing in the wind in the most incredible ways. The water rippled in shapes I’ve never seen before, and the clouds were changing right before my eyes.

At one point, I was overwhelmed with this all-consuming, powerful wave of complete love for every single person, and everything. I cried my eyes out but the tears were borne out of a resplendent happiness, a euphoria that traced back to simply being grateful for being alive, for being where we were, for appreciating how lucky we were to experience the things that we did. It was… awe-inspiring.

There were points where I felt like I was on the inside of an acoustic guitar, where I felt like I was transported to Greece, where the tiles in the washroom came alive and become little oceans with waves and shores of pale pinks and peaches.

Shrooms are the best, LMAO. That tiny little dried fungus has the ability to allow you to see life in completely different ways, literally and figuratively.

Eventually, the trip died down and we all settled into the evening after a long day of swimming, talking, tripping, philosophizing, realizing, having epiphany after epiphany, and just… genuine bonding.

There was this moment where Chad, Krystal and I were just talking on the dock and I was telling them how much I appreciated them and their good energy, how it was always so easy to hang out with them. And Krystal in turn told me that they also appreciate having me in their lives, and I felt so warm and happy. Somewhere along the way in these past couple years, we’ve found a real and genuine kinship with one another and I’m so happy, and so grateful.

Anyways, on the Sunday we all got together in the morning to clean house, and once everything was in order we all went for one last swim in the sun before everyone headed out in their own directions. Adrian and I finished the day at Ribfest (*drool*), and that was the end of our perfect summer weekend.

I feel like this weekend forced me (in the most humbling and grounding of ways) to come back to myself. To remind me of my place in this universe, and my relationship to it. It felt like a massive therapy session that I didn’t even know I needed, and it reminded me how beautiful life can be if you just have a hand in shaping your reality for the better. How possible it all can be, to live life exactly how you imagined, even when it seems wilder than your deepest dreams.

That cottage was once nothing but trees. But Elizabeth had a vision, and she manifested it by tirelessly working towards it. Her whole life is a manifestation of her will. A clear will and undeterred desire to live life to the best it can be. She is living, walking, breathing proof that the life you dream of can be achievable if you so believe and act accordingly.

That’s what this weekend reminded me of too. How much power we have to shape our realities, to conspire with the Universe, once we become clear on what we want for ourselves and our lives. I feel like it’s finally time to get clear on those things – not in fear of the future or an obsession with it, but more so that my life can finally get some direction of that I’m heading towards. I still plan on enjoying the process just as much as I have been and being as present as possible – but it’s also exciting to know what you want to be heading towards so you can both acknowledge and be grateful when it happens.

Wow, I wrote a lot today! It’s been nice to actually just sit and write and… not get distracted and walk away from it, LOL. Speaking of – today’s the first day of my medication trials! I’m on 18 mg of Concerta for the next two weeks, and so far so good. I know it’s only my first day, but I already have a feeling I might need to up my dose in two weeks? As great as it’s been to sit here and write this, I did get up many times, or get distracted, or pick up my phone, or lose interest. I did feel good about the number 18 though, as that’s one of my Universe numbers (how I know the Universe is talking to me/connecting with me).

We’ll see how it goes! I’m honestly looking forward to this whole process, no matter what it brings. Without the trial and error, I won’t be able to know exactly what works for me. So, bring it on, the whole entire process no matter what it may entail! I will not abuse this, or mismanage this. I know the dangers of this medication and the potential side-effects, so I intend to be as careful and responsible as possible.

Alright, last on my list – Radha.

So as I mentioned before, I was honestly so bummed out that Radha bailed on the cottage so last minute. It seemed like she was so adamant on not experiencing anything without Kade after having such an intense trip with him on MDMA the weekend before, and it made me sad to think that she didn’t want to experience life without him at all to the extent that she’d avoid coming to the cottage with her friends.

And even after we got back from the cottage, talking with her lately has been… very interesting, to say the least.

During the cottage trip, me, Adrian, Chad and Krystal were talking about her and how she is, out of pure concern. How when she stumbles onto what she believes is the truth, she doesn’t question anything at all and dives into headfirst, and takes it to the extreme. There is no give, no room for anything other than what she believes, and it can be a bit worrisome sometimes. Ultimately though we all agreed she would find her path and be okay.

When I spoke to her recently, it feels as though she’s changed since that MDMA trip. More manic than usual, more spacey. It was concerning at first, and after I spoke to her I felt… sad, almost? And then I understood why.

She mentioned that she wishes she could take “people” with her on the journey she’s going through and the destination she’s headed towards, which in her mind is “moksha”, or enlightenment. And I shook my head and explained that she can’t, because everyone’s journey is their own.

In that moment, I felt sad because it felt like we were suddenly at a point where our beliefs (which once coincided so easily and deeply), suddenly changed. That our values were so different to the point that the appeal of our friendship was no longer there. I felt like this new insight she’d acquired made her feel like she’d “outgrown” me, or that she vibed too high to entertain a conversation with me any longer.

But you know what? There’s something I forgot in that moment too, and it was this, something I wrote to myself earlier this year:

And you know what else I realized? I don’t need to be an ascetic and sacrifice my entire identity to be “selfless”. I was missing the entire point of what my book has been trying to tell me because I got so caught up in the little details.

Buddha renounced all worldly pleasures, even food and clothing to the brink of starvation and death, in an attempt to reach enlightenment. And that’s when he realized that such extremes are suffering in itself. The only way is the middle way. To just, be. To live compassionately. To do your best. To learn all you can and then teach what you learn. To treat others as you’d expect and hope to be treated.

I don’t want to kill my “self”. I want to be the best me I can be, not just for me (but yes, also for me), but for others too.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

Just because I don’t want to completely dissociate myself from what makes me who I am or what I think makes me who I am does not make me a self-absorbed, unaware person.

I’M HUMAN!!!! I WANT A HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND EVERYTHING THAT ENTAILS. I’m not on this earth to reach Nirvana or enlightenment, that’s not my purpose. It was Buddha’s purpose, but it doesn’t have to be mine. That was his way of being at peace.

What I listed up there? ^ That’s my peace. That’s what I imagine my peace to be. Doing the things I love, with the people I love, for my love of my life. And love does not equate to attachment. That’s what I was afraid of too. That if I cared about anything enough, that I was doing so out of attachment, and attachment is bad. And that in itself is an extreme way of thinking too.”

I don’t have to nor do I even want to live in extremes. It’s just not my scene. I know what I want from my life, I know what my peace is, what happiness looks like to me. And even if it doesn’t look that way to someone else – even if I don’t seem “woke”, or broken out of this system, that doesn’t mean that I’m not just because it might look that way to someone else. I don’t need to live according to anyone else’s belief systems or standard’s of “wokeness” or “enlightenment” – I just want to do what’s right by me.

And I will never, ever say that my way is the “right” way or the “only” way and make anyone feel inferior or less than. What makes my way any different than anyone else’s way? If people are happy with what they have in a genuine, at-peace manner that’s free of settling and free of harming themselves or others? Who am I to judge?! They’re doing what works for them, as I intend to do what works for me.

I lost sight of that when I spoke to her, and for a brief moment felt… out of place. But you know what?

She spoke of a world filled with envy and hate that she wanted to escape from, but I don’t live like that, nor do I see the world like that. But, when I asked her if she’s happy, genuinely happy, she said she was. And so, I am happy for her. If this is her path, then it is her path. If we can find a way to enjoy our separate paths together and teach each other in a way that is free of judgement or condescension, then that would be wonderful. But if her path takes her away from me, away from our friends and life as we’ve known it currently, that’s okay too. Just as long as she is safe, happy and living life to the best it can be, then no matter what happens, life is exactly as it is meant to be. And I’m okay with that.

I know she wants that ascetic life, to “check-out”, experience life outside the life we’ve known. And I never want our friendship to be based out of attachment. So wherever she ends up, even if that means she disappears into the mountains, I will be completely and absolutely happy for her and wishing her well for the rest of my life because she’s added so much beauty and love to it while she was a part of it. She’s taught me so much, even if our views no longer coincide.

This is all just a part of life! You grow close to someone, believe in similar things, but then like the tides, life shifts and you shift and suddenly, you grow apart. Or you grow towards each other once more, many months or years later. You never truly lose anyone who’s meant to be in your life, even if time makes it seem that way. I have so much faith in this life, in my soul connections. I am not afraid to let go, and go with life as it takes me and where it takes me, with whom it takes me. I will not live my life with relationships based on attachment. What is meant for me will be for me, what is not, will not.

So – to anyone who has ever been in my life, is in my life, will not be in my life. Wherever you are, whomever you’re with, whatever you’re doing. I hope you are safe; I hope you are tirelessly seeking the answers you’re searching for, but above and beyond anything else – I hope you are happy. I will always love you, and thank you for being a part of my life when I needed you to be, and when you needed me to be a part of yours. I hope we taught each other well.

What a wonderful log this has been. I still need to maybe catch up with myself a bit. I’m also working on my vision board, which I intend to have up by this weekend. Tonight even, after work if possible.

I’ll be back! I promise.

I’m back! Work went well, although it feels like the medication kind of wore off? I was still doing absent-minded things like leaving the keys near tester units or testers and product on other counters. Hmm. But, the real test will be tonight when I attempt to go to sleep. I don’t particularly feel tired, but this does seem “early” for me, as of late.

I also felt nauseous throughout the day, here and there! That could be my body adjusting to the medication though, or an effect of anxiety. I didn’t feel too anxious today though. My heart did randomly start racing at one point in the evening, but it did get kind of busy at work and I was running around a bit, so it could have been that too.

All in all though, I’d say it was a successful first day! I didn’t have any major or serious side effects, which is great. And I know I’m going to find the right dosing for myself, someway or somehow.

Anyways, back to what I was saying before.

Well. What’s been going on as of late?

I’ve been going with the flow I feel. Slowly but surely making strides in my relationship with the Universe once more. Re-establishing and reaffirming my faith in it, and myself. I don’t want anything or anyone to shake it, ever again. But I know this is a life-long process, and I’m looking forward to every bit of it.

Wow, I suddenly got hit with a wave of tiredness! That’s a good thing I guess. I was lowkey worried I would be up all night since I took the medication a little bit later than I’d hoped.

I want to establish my vision board when I get a chance. It’s been a while since I’ve worked a full weekend (I’ve had every Friday + Saturday and the last two Sunday’s off this past month, heh). I’m not used to feeling like I have no time on the weekend! But eh, I do have plenty of time and will have plenty of time tomorrow after work, AND the day after that because I’ll be off.

This month is looking pretty promising too. I’ve already basically planned out every weekend this month, LOL! But we’ll see, you never know how things go.

Adrian is in Philadelphia right now with his brother and some of the other groomsmen on their bachelor trip, and he got another spontaneous travel tattoo! He got his last name on his arm, with the P in a classic Philadelphia style calligraphy. It looks so good! I love how we’re so alike in some ways, hehe.

I miss him, but I’m also keeping busy so it’s okay! He’ll be back day after tomorrow and I’ll be seeing him sometime this week for a basketball game at Ryerson.

I was reading some of the older logs of when I told him I loved him for the first time, our first trip together in New Orleans, and my heart is so warm and so happy. I can’t believe sometimes that I’ve found THE love of my life, you know? All I’ve ever wanted is someone like Adrian, someone who looks at me the way he looks at me.

One day he was over at my place, helping me with some paperwork and invoices I had to scan and I was getting a little flustered. I looked up because my mom had walked over, and I noticed that she was smiling in this very particular funny kind of way, so I asked her what was so funny. She hesitated, and then came up with some story that I don’t remember now. But the truth is, she’d been smiling because she had been watching the way Adrian was watching me, with that same adoring look that I myself catch from time to time.

If my mom is seeing it too, then I know it’s real LMAO. So… life is good.

Is there anything else I’d like to address before I go?

Well, August has just begun. And in some weird way, it feels like something is coming to an end and something big is about to begin. It always feels that way when summer comes to a close and September begins. I can’t put my finger on it, but I am excited. It feels like the end of this year is going to make up for the first half of this year in a massive way. Not that the first half of this year was bad or anything like that – it just, passed, it seemed, as time does. Unremarkably, that’s the word I’m looking for.

I want to tie up loose ends this month, get things ready for the new. I want my vision board up and my petition done, I want to establish my boundaries for work come the new holiday season, and I want to plan a trip for my birthday because it’s been way too long since I’ve travelled last.

It’s going to be a great month, I can feel it. But I’m also looking forward to what’s to come.

Alright, that’s about it for tonight. I hope, maybe, that tomorrow I can find a moment to write as well. Perhaps I can use that opportunity to talk about what I’m working on in regards to my vision board? I’d like that.

Until then, (hopefully),

Love always,

Me.

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