Day 221 to 227 – August 9th to 15th, 2019

Hello! Things have gotten pretty busy as of late, but writing has been in the back of my mind for quite some time now. And, as I’ve had quite the day, there’s no better time to get everything all out than after a long shift with a nice glass of red wine. Ahh.

Everything has been going quite smoothly as of late! Hanging out with Chad and Olivia last week was awesome – lots of deep talks and multi-level conversations to be had about the universe and the nature of time. And then this past weekend was the second last wedding of Adrian’s family, which was so much fun!

His family was just as warm and welcoming as always, and I honestly love spending time with them. I’m hoping in my little heart of hearts that after the wedding season wears down, that I’ll also be invited to the more intimate family gatherings as well – I really want to get to know all of them better, and I want them to know me too.

This past weekend was also doubly more fun because I had the entire house to myself all weekend – my family left to the cottage and I couldn’t go because of the wedding, which meant Adrian spent the entire weekend with me here. It was so much fun alternating between being lazy and cozy, and then running around getting ready for the wedding and going together.

This week I’ve been working a lot since Maria has been on vacation. We haven’t really been doing well as we could be in terms of numbers, and I also know that when Maria is away, everyone (including myself) treats the time as a vacation in itself (no offence to her).

Also, we have barely any stock either. So… yeah, LOL.

I think I need to reiterate my boundaries when it comes to work again, on a personal and professional level, for myself. I found myself worrying about something tonight a little bit more than I’m aware I should have been.

It seems as though Maria may currently be under investigation for “bullying”, and both sides of upper management (corporate from our company and the general manager from the location we work for) came up to me to ask me some very precise questions regarding our standards or selling/incentive regulations. I was able to pick up on the undertone of the questions though, so I think I answered well enough to just be telling the truth while stretching it ever so slightly to protect Maria.

Truth be told – I know Maria doesn’t like our part-timer, and Maria has been a little bit… cold towards her. I made the decision to be neutral towards our part-timer for my own sanity a while back, but now I’m getting dragged in the middle of their conflict as an outside source and I don’t like it.

It’s a little stressful for a number of reasons:

  1. I don’t want to get Maria in trouble.
  2. I don’t know if what I’m saying corroborates what Maria is saying, has said, or what our part-timer may have been saying instead.
  3. I don’t want to get blamed for anything.
  4. I don’t understand why they’re asking me these things, and yet I do.
  5. I don’t know if I should warn Maria, or stay out of it.
  6. I told Sharon, and maybe I shouldn’t have, but I was very worried.

 

Anyways those were my initial thoughts, but I also know deep down that everything will turn out fine. I talked to Adrian about it today to vent, and he made a point that I need to keep in mind – as much as I care about Maria and do want to warn her, I’ve been told explicitly by both sides of upper management to keep this to myself. I don’t want to jeopardize my position and I also don’t want to expend anymore energy to this than I have to. I don’t want to be anymore involved than I have been. Boom, boundaries.

(Slightly wine-drunk at this point).

I’m just going to leave it be. It’s not my monkeys, so it’s not my circus. Ergo, not my business, even though I’ve been somewhat brought into it.

I think I lost a little perspective there for a moment, as I tend to do when I have work many days in a row. I start losing sight of my truth and start believing that I’m actually supposed to care more than I do about everything I experience there. But I know better than that.

Caring less doesn’t mean that I do my job any less efficiently. I go in, I do my best – but I have to remember to not get attached. The key to doing any “job” effectively (job being a means of living and finance) is to maintain healthy boundaries and a rational perspective. You leave work at work and understand that it’s not life and death.

Sometimes I forget, because I genuinely enjoy what I do and I actually have come to care about the people I work with. So sometimes, the lines I’ve drawn get a little blurred. But it’s instances like these that remind me to draw them over again, so thank for you for that Universe. I appreciate every single thing I encounter as a new opportunity to learn and grow, and sometimes, re-learn.

Anyways, the time is looming closer to decide what I’d like the rest of this year to look like. I definitely want consistent hours as I will not be returning to school until January, but I also do not want to be overworked. I want exactly 25 hours per week, as I was promised. And up to 30, only if need be. I want to make sure that above and beyond all, I have time for myself, and time for Seb.

I know the Universe has my back though, and again, everything will be fine. I’m not worried, and I don’t have any reason to be worried.

I’ve also decided to go to Marilyn’s surprise birthday this weekend, despite my earlier inhibitions. Adrian and I had plans to go to the CNE this weekend for quite sometime, but Marilyn’s boyfriend just let a few of us know earlier this week that this weekend would be a surprise party for her. I know some of the girls will be there and it’s nice that he reached out and asked if I could come with Adrian.

I know we can find another time to go to the CNE, but the reason this was also concerning to me was because of the boundaries thing again. I’m having trouble with wanting to be a nice person (for myself, not how it looks to anyone else), versus being “too nice” and having no boundaries.

But like the way I thought about it was – if Marilyn shows up to this shindig and sees Dianne and Sera and finds out that her boyfriend did invite me and I didn’t make the effort to come, I know she’ll be so sad on some level, even though she’s such a positive person. And like, even though Marilyn can be “Marilyn” sometimes (forgetful, a little self-oriented, sometimes a little too forward or abrasive) I also genuinely believe she’s a good person.

I feel like I would feel so bad if I didn’t go even though I know I could have, not just for her but on my part too. Marilyn always asks about Adrian and encourages our relationship, more than anyone else in the department. After everything she’s been through this year, the least I can do is make some time to show up and be supportive on her 50th birthday. This is a year I can make an exception for her.

This will be the first time I’m really stepping into her world too, in all our years of knowing one another. It’s interesting when a dynamic changes from a “work friend” to a “friend friend”, you know? I’ll be seeing all the people I’ve only ever seen in the pictures she’s shown me.

Anyways, I think it’ll be nice to just stop by, say hi, eat a little and go. I’ll feel good about it, know I’m making someone happy in a way that’s not at my expense, and I’ll get to do it with Adrian by my side. And, he’ll get to meet Dianne and Sera, which I’m excited for. It’ll be fun!

And also, now that I’ve already called Adrian and confirmed with my coworkers that I’ll be attending, I can’t change my mind because Adrian will probably kill me and I’ve already done the back and forth about twice with my coworkers now, LMAO. So, I’ve made my decision and I’m going to stick with it and hope for the best.

I just hate that I feel like I’m letting go of one of my precious Saturdays, to be completely honest with myself. Because Adrian works full time, the weekends are supposed to be “our time”, and so far we’ve been pretty committed to that this summer. Oh well! It’s a nice gesture, and I’d rather be able to face Marilyn when she comes back from vacation with my head held high knowing that I did my part to be a good friend.

They’re good people. I know if it were me, I’d understand and wouldn’t mind if no one could come from work. But if they did make it, it would mean the world to me too, even if it was just for a brief moment. I love them, and they’ve watched me grow from my early twenties to the woman I am now. We’ve had our differences, but they’ve also been there for me in ways that no one else has been.

So, there. That’s my decision and I’m sticking with it. Whatever is meant to be, shall be.

Ah, it felt so good to vent! Bloody hell. Anyways.

I just want to make sure I spend time with my loveeeeeeeee. My god, I love Adrian so much. All of him, his laughter, his taciturn ways, his affection, his wisdom and introspection, his skin, his eyes, just everything.

I wonder how people know they’re with the person they absolutely know they want to spend the rest of their entire lives with. Is it a slow dawning realization or is it a thunder-struck everything-becomes-clear kind of moment? Is it similar to how you realize you know you’re in love with someone? Is it just a thought that creeps up on you one day when you’re sitting across from them admiring the way their eyes crinkle as they laugh?

I know I’m such a diehard romantic. I’ve had half-fleeting thoughts of “maybe, could be” in ALL of my past relationships, probably mostly based on the fact that I am such a romantic, and less on the relationship itself. But this time? I don’t know man.

I want all of it. I want to see what we’re going to look like when we’re in our 30’s, our 40’s, our 50’s and onwards. It’s so scary to imagine being with someone for so long, but it’s an exciting fear. I can’t even imagine committing to a friendship for that long, let alone a relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone or had anyone in my life for longer than five years, max, other than family.

But that’s the thing – Adrian and I are slowly becoming best friends too. I can feel it; it’s as though all those initial walls and boundaries are slowly lowering as we spend more and more time with one another. We’ve both been in long term relationships before, so we both know what that comfort is like, what it’s like to be in a relationship with your best friend. But that’s exactly what I want.

I want us to be best friends, because one day I want us to be family. I want him to be my family. I want his family to be my family too. I want that kind of love, an all-encompassing love that’s as damn near close to unconditional as it can get.

It makes my stomach flip to admit all of this to myself. Is it nuts? Maybe, to an outside perspective or societal perspective. I’m still getting to know him, but I’m doing it all happily so.

I really, really hope that this is it. I hope it so bad that I don’t even want to “hope” it – I just want to know. I want to wake up one day, look at him the way I did the moment we sat down for that coffee together, and just know. It’s not that I have any doubts – I don’t, actually, for the most part. I’m still struggling with myself mostly, on some levels that I know I need to get past.

I’ve been certain since the get-go. I just… I can’t explain it. All I know is, if there’s anyone in this life I can imagine seeing myself wake up with once my life looks exactly as I envision it to be, it’s him. He’s right there with me, in every future scenario that I allow myself to envision.

Just hearing the sound of his voice is soothing to me. Being in his presence both makes me nervous and calms me down. I get excited every single time I know I’m about to see him. Nervous-excited, butterflies, all of it.

Anyways, I’m wine drunk and I’m pretty sure I’m rambling now. It was nice to write though!

Have faith, me. Keep doing your internal work and stay woke, stay compassionate, stay kind and know that you know what you’re doing, no matter what. Just follow your feet, just as you keep thinking that you have been.

Alright! Bed time. I’m going to be off tomorrow and Saturday and I do intend to make the most of it.

Love always!

Me.

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