Day 228 to 234 – August 16th to 22nd, 2019

Hello! I’m back again, for the remix.

I’m having a fantastically amazing day today. And you know what’s funny? Nothing out of the ordinary happened! I’m just super grateful for a whole bunch of little things and all at once it’s become this beautiful, big ball of thankfulness and happiness and faith intertwined.

This past week, all of a sudden I had this feeling. It’s almost hard to explain. I think I was on an escalator going up from the subway towards the GO buses in Highway 407 West station. It just dawned on me, suddenly, as though something clicked into place.

The only way I can summarize it is in this single thought that came to me as a result of the feeling: the thought was, “everything is going to be okay.”

I suppose that what it was, was pure, genuine, unadulterated faith. Like, real faith, the kind of faith that requires absolute surrender and certainty. It was beautiful. A smile slowly unfurled on my face; the kind of sincere smile I know I haven’t experienced in quite some time. The exact same smile I’ve been wearing most of today, the smile that made people look at me kind of funny on the bus (which made me smile even more), the same on that’s on my face right now.

I feel like all my various forms of inner work (the meditation, the books I’ve been reading, writing more frequently, being more mindful in a compassionate way, even the ADHD medication and ashwagandha) suddenly all just linked and that amazing euphoric feeling suddenly came over me.

That is the true result of all the things I want to embody. That unshakeable calm, serenity, that inner and outer smile, that unwavering certainty that no matter what, past, present or future, everything was going to work out perfectly, exactly as it was all meant to and is meant to.

It’s almost as though for the briefest of moments, I clicked into the timeline I’m striving for. The one that I know I want to vibrate alongside with, the one that I know I want to manifest. It was this fleeting moment of “you are exactly where you are meant to be in this exact moment, place, and time”. It felt like alignment, of the highest kind.

That moment made me realize just how often I settle for vibrating at a lower frequency and how that lower frequency has almost become my norm. Dropping the spiritual jargon for a moment – I can’t believe how much time I spend in my day constantly obsessing and worrying about the same things, same scenarios, over and over. Scenarios that may not even happen, based off of fears that have no footing whatsoever. Sometimes I even catch myself staring into nothing with my brow furrowed in somber concern for a reaction based completely off of my imaginings – but with very real consequences.

This moment made me realize just how much tension and worry I carry in my body as a result of these imaginings.

It made me realize that all I want is to have faith. Faith in myself, faith in the Universe, faith in my abundance, and faith that I am being taken care of. I want to surrender, to work where I must, but to know and understand the exact moment that I have to let go. I want to keep dancing between the fine lines of will and destiny, of surrender and manifesting. And when I say dancing, I mean dancing!!! I want to have fun with it all, not take everything so seriously anymore, and expand that moment of certainty into my current and constant state of being.

I’m reading this incredible book called “The Power of Surrender: Let Go and Energize Your Relationships, Success and Well-Being.” It’s written by this author who’s so completely sincere and authentic, I feel as though I’m listening to a friend speak, a kindred spirit. She’s the perfect balance of spiritual and rational for me – she’s a psychiatrist who practices spirituality in her psychotherapy, which is basically my dream job.

I remember the day I put it out into the Universe, “okay Universe, I need some new books. I’m in need of guidance in whatever form you choose for me.” It feels like the day we went to that place that Radha took me and Olivia to, was the day there was a shift. I chose my inner voice – imagine if I hadn’t? Maybe the books would have found me another way. But, it’s incredible how much quicker things align when you genuinely listen to your intuition.

It’s not easy choosing faith over fear. Fear is our basic wiring, an impulse that stems back as far as time when all that mattered was survival by any means. But I don’t want to fight life anymore, I don’t want to resist and tense up and try to control everything due to this fear telling me that I need to have all my ducks in the tightest row I can muster. I want my ducks to fly freely, and trust that no matter where they land, they’ll find themselves exactly where they’re meant to be.

And I want it to become easy to choose faith over fear. That’s when I’ll be resonating on the level that I’d like to be at. In fact, I already am – we all naturally are and can be. It’s just the amount of things that clutter and drown out that resonance. Working through fears and choosing mindfulness allows you take away that clutter, one thing at a time.

I’m working at it. Every meditation session, every inner dialogue or conversation I have with the Universe, every page of every book I read, every time I write to myself and remember what’s most important, every moment I become aware that my thoughts or words are judgemental and not at all the vibe I’d like to embody, every synchronicity I take notice of and write down, every time that inner smile reflects outwardly, and most importantly – every slow, deep, conscious breath that I take to bring me back from stress, worry, or anxiety. Every single time I choose to let go, or choose faith over fear. It all adds up. It all means something.

One moment at a time. The future that I stress so much about, even the tomorrow that I think so much about and try to plan out in my head, does not exist until it becomes the present moment. I give so much energy to something that isn’t even real, and as a result might end up manifesting such thoughts as my reality when the moment does arrive. It’s so important to cultivate a loving and compassionate mindful reverence for the present moment. I’m realizing that more and more with each moment I find myself in.

I’m excited. For the first time in a long time, it feels like I’m returning to something I brushed upon briefly two years ago when I embarked on my journey of self-love. A peace I’d never experienced before. A certainty, a confidence, a faith that I know is meant for me.

And as a result, every seeming “challenge” I come across now feels more like a test (of the best kind) of the lessons I am trying to embody. Every moment provides me an opportunity to rewire old impulses, to choose differently again and again until my inner voice rings clear as a bell.

Currently, I am facing tests at my workplace and in my abundance mindset. I very much enjoy my job and how much effort I put into it. I always leave work feeling like I did everything I set out to do, and to the best of my abilities as well. But, because of the “negative” workplace gossip mentality that my department has, I end up getting sucked into the gossip or judgement and end up feeling like crap afterwards, and I am aware of it. Time and time again I’ve said I need to create boundaries when it comes to work, and to certain extents I have. I do not expend more energy than necessary, and I do not take the pressures of this job home with me. But, I think I now have to add emotional/mental aspects to those boundaries.

I hate talking about people. I hate how I feel after, all anxious and worried. I hate it so much. I end up succumbing to it so easily because it’s literally the main topic of conversation at work other than actual work. Le sigh. And it sucks, because I spent a majority of time out of my week at work, you know? So sometimes, it’s so hard not to get caught up in that low-vibe mentality.

I have to find new ways of avoiding those conversations. Even if it means physically walking away, no matter how awkward that might be. Even if it means not chiming in at all, or holding a stance that isn’t “popular opinion”. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t leave work feeling happy that I’ve done my job but anxious because I’ve talked shit about so-and-so when we go on trips together to Niagara and such. It’s inauthentic and it’s not the kind of person I want to be. Those aren’t the kind of relationships I want to cultivate in my life.

It’s the “groupthink” mentality. There’s actually some parallels that I’m drawing across several situations I’m witnessing or experiencing currently. It’s hard to know or have clarity on what your own truth or stance might be when it comes to being an individual who is part of a group. Boundaries become blurred, and opinions that may not even be your own suddenly start to make sense (even if they’re opinions you don’t necessarily believe in/agree with). It’s hard. There’s love for every single person and it’s wonderful to feel a part of something bigger, a community. But when the community’s main theme becomes toxicity, that’s where the boundaries that were once blurred must now become substantial for your own sake and the sake of your individual relationships with each person who is a part of the group.

“Stand for something or you will fall for anything”. As long as every single person within this community makes it their commitment to remain within their truth and respect the truths of the people they share their space with (regardless of whether or not you agree), then that’s where communities can thrive and grow together. It simply boils down to respect. Open and honest communication. Vulnerability and trust. There’s so much that goes into building a community. You don’t realize it until something (or someone) falls through.

There’s the key!!!!!! RESPECT!!!! If I just remember that I respect EVERYONE at work (regardless of what I hear, what people say, what people think of other people) then I can maintain my boundaries. No matter what, there has to be a modicum of respect. It’s a mutual agreement that, while I may not agree with you, I can act professionally/with civility towards you.

I guess these aren’t “tests”, per se. More so they’re opportunities for growth, and I’m so appreciative of every opportunity I receive that makes me aware that I would like to do differently.

My abundance mind frame is something I’ve been struggling with for the past couple months. But, I am happy to say that I’ve made some changes and I’m actively trying to be conscious about my relationship/perspective towards abundance. I realized recently that it’s been something I’ve been tensed up about and trying to control for some time. I’ve had no faith when it comes to my abundance, nor have I extended the proper gratitude for what I do have the way I should have, for quite some time. I am doing my best to change that now.

I am grateful for what I have, for the things I can afford, for the roof over my head and the food I eat, for my ability and privilege to practice acts of generosity and kindness, to be able to live the way I do. And I have faith that I am taken care of, receiving exactly what I need, and that I am deserving of more. I am abundant now, as is.

It’s work. It really is. But only when you’re not consciously choosing to do differently. The more I choose this, the more it’ll become less of a choice and more of a natural impulse. The more I will align with my path, and with my intuition. I have every faith in that and I am so, so determined. I am so determined.

Bobby McFerrin knew the truth. “Don’t worry/ about a thing/ cause every little thing/ is gonna’ be alright.” And that, is the simple truth right there. Trust. Surrender. Let go. And do it all again.

Anyways, I am three glasses of wine in now and I think it’s about time I hit the hay. Anything else I want to talk about?

Oh yeah! I’ve upped my dosage in medication and it’s working wonderfully. I don’t know if it’s the medication on its own or the combination of everything I’m currently doing, but I feel so motivated, focused, determined, and as a result, happy. Genuinely happy, and excited. I feel like the medication is helping me to stay present, if that’s possible.

And that’s pretty much it! Being as mindful and conscious and present as possible is my current goal and mission. For some reason, now more than ever it feels so, so important. Something’s coming. Can’t explain it. Something great though. September, or whatever is to follow within this year, is going to be monumental.

Okay, that is all from le me. Gouda night, my friends.

Love always and in every way, so, so incredibly much,

Me.

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