Day 235 to 246 – August 23rd to September 3rd, 2019

Hello, hello! Wow, did August pass by in a flash or what?! I can’t believe we’re already in September. It happened so quickly that I still feel like I’m in August in all honesty. But nope, today people headed back to school, and already Fall feels like it’s in the air (this part I’m perfectly okay with because I love Fall, hehe).

I know September is going to be a big and good month. I have a pretty serious to-do list that I would like to have done by the end of this month regarding my schooling, and my ADHD medication. I think I’m going to have to switch the brand or try something new.

I’m still not completely sure if this corresponds, but a lot of my hair has fallen out in the past couple weeks. This has happened to me before and it took a couple years to rebuild the density of my hair, I must admit. But this recent time seems to correspond directly with when I began my ADHD medication. And I know I’m not exaggerating, because every single time I run my fingers through my hair, more falls out. And in the shower, there’s just clumps of it.

I must admit, when I first started to really realize it, I panicked. Even now, I haven’t really let myself process it fully. But man, it’s amazing how this situation has brought to my attention how truly important my appearance is to me, how attached I am to the way people perceive me.

“What if all my hair falls out? What am I going to do, wear a wig? What will people think of me?”

I’ve mostly come to terms with it now, I think. It still bothers me and I can’t seem to stop touching my hair and lamenting about how much I’ve lost, but I think what I need to do is this: grieve properly, and then surrender and trust that the Universe will take care of me. To understand that everything in this life is impermanent, and the more we try to hold onto things that are certain to go, the more we cling onto suffering.

This is just another lesson that I know I have to learn. It’s humbling to know that I am attached to my external appearance on some level, that I have an attachment to what defines my outward identity. I know that I am more than it, but this opened my eyes to how much stock I place in how people see me.

I don’t want that attachment. But I guess it’s nice to be aware of it. And regardless of what happens, I love myself and I know I’ll be okay. I have real and genuine love in my life and anyone who shows me anything less than that has no place in my life.

Just another thing I’ve got to learn to have faith about.

Anyways, onwards! So yeah, I’d like to try a different type or even a type that I can take when I need as opposed to one that I need to be on constantly, if that makes sense? Like I know I can be messy and disorganized and forgetful sometimes, but I don’t want to rely on medication to fix those things if I can work on those things within myself, you know?

I also need some time to get my petition out of the way. I pulled up the letter recently to start adding onto it, so that’s good. One day off I have, I’m going to sit down and get it all done and organized. Hopefully within the next week or so.

I want it all done by the end of September so that I can enjoy October as fully as possible. I definitely want to travel somewhere or do something really nice for myself for my birthday, even if that means going to Niagara for a couple days for a spa weekend, or even heading somewhere cheap and all-inclusive for the weekend. I would love to go to Vegas too, but I definitely need some relaxation thrown in that trip somehow.

I feel like September is going to be so busy because of work, but it’s so insanely imperative to me that I find time for myself amidst all the busy. Like I want to continue going to the gym at least twice a week (or three times if possible), I need to keep on meditating before bed, and I would like to write as must as possible too.

Anyways! That’s what I’m looking forward to, but I need to catch up on the last two weeks of August because they were so much fun. I feel like I definitely made the most of the last dregs of summer, despite how quickly it all flew by.

In the past week, I had a girls’ night with my coworkers, managed to go to Wonderland, the CNE, AND spent the long weekend camping for the first time ever. It was a lot of fun, but man it was A LOT at once LOL.

Camping was wonderful though. Adrian and I went with Krystal and Chad and a whole bunch of other people (and two dogs!!!!) and it was so much fun. It was a very interesting experience to actually feel like we were sleeping on the ground, to be protected only by the thin confines of a tent, and to generate warmth during the chilliness of the night through lots of cuddling hehe.

It was also such a lovely bonding experience for Adrian and I. I love so much that he’s just as open to new experiences as I am, and that we can leave our personal comfort zones together. I also love that we cohabitate so well together; we shared space with one another for at least 4-5 days straight and never grew tired of each other once. Not even through the more tedious times like packing and unpacking the car, or building the tent, etc. We just work so well together and everything is always so easy and so fun. And there’s always so much love, constantly. I honestly never knew I could be this happy or this loved, so fully and so consistently.

Summer recap? Well, it was good overall I would say. I travelled to the Bahamas in May, worked like crazy, but I also made the most of it too. Cottage weekend, beach trips, camping, and plenty of time spent with the love of my life, my family and my friends.

I’m ready for this new season, and this new month. For the blessings and lessons to come. And, I’m thankful for all of the ones I’ve received this past season, and how much I’ve learnt, re-learnt and grown.

Anyways! It feels good to write again. I was feeling a little lost and sad this weekend during my shrooms trip because I realized that these past couple months I somehow slipped into autopilot mode again in my life, or so it feels. I don’t want to drift, so I want to laser-focus on what I’d like my life to look like, and work towards that with the Universe. I didn’t make that vision board just to have it lie in my room and gather dust. I know what I want from my life. I know.

It’s time to get excited about life again. To be excited about what every day will hold, to be thankful for every day given.

Anyways, I think I need to catch up on some very much needed rest after this weekend. I promise to find some time to write a couple times this week, even if it’s just brief logs! It’s so important that I do this for myself.

Until that next time!

Love always,

Me.

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