Day 275 to 281 – October 2nd to 8th, 2019

Wow, it feels like I just wrote but it’s already been a week since then! Looks like this month is going to fly by as well eh? So be it!

It’s been quite the week though. I’ve been making some major strides in different aspects, but I’ve also been taking some massive steps backward that I need to acknowledge and discuss earnestly with myself too with no judgement.

It’s so hard to sit through this and write this without getting distracted or feeling that impulse to get up, or check my phone. The ADHD medication has been helping with those impulses a little bit for sure, but I definitely think I need to increase my dosage the next time I see my doctor. On the bright side, this form of medication seems to be agreeing with me a lot better than the Concerta was, for sure. No heart palpitations or bitter mouth taste, and I’m sleeping just fine at night too (for the most part, depending on what time I take the medication).

Alright! Let us begin.

What I would like to talk about in totality for this log: finally making some major strides on my petition, taking time off of work and being non-negotiable about it, the fact that I’m leaving to New York next week for my birthday and then Mexico the week after (OMG!!!!), my recent phone conversation with Leila, a proper update on how me and Adrian’s relationship is going, and then finally a lengthy and thorough conversation with myself about myself.

Okay, let’s see: so last week, because we didn’t have the hours, I actually got to have three days off in a row for the first time in a while that weren’t booked off for a specific reason. Which meant, I finally had some time to be at home and get some things done. As promised, I took the Ritalin on the Thursday morning and actually created a rational and logical breakdown and time frame for my petition. And guess what? It’s definitely more than half-way done for sure. I’ve contacted nearly everyone I was supposed to contact, have about 80% of the supporting documentation that I need, and I’ve finally finished my petition letter so that it accurately reflects the last eight years of my life.

It feels so good, but I won’t rest until I have it all complete and handed in. I’ve set my deadline for October 25th, which is the Friday after I come back from New York and the Friday before I leave to Mexico the week after.

I don’t know if it’s going to be accepted. I have no idea what’s going to happen. I know that whatever is meant to be will be. If I’m meant to go back, I will. But for the first time in my entire academic history, I actually have hope that I can do well in school. And, for the first time EVER, I actually want to do this for myself. I know, somewhere deep down, that this is my calling. I need my psychology degree. I want it for me.

On some level, I am proud of myself. Last week, I was called in to work an extra shift on one of those days off I had. I really, really considered it. But then I realized if I went in, I would be sacrificing one of the precious days I need to get this done. And you know what? Thank god I didn’t, because that was the day I really banged out my petition letter and filled in all my course performance summaries. I even told Adrian I couldn’t hang out until later, because I was on such a momentum and I knew that if I stopped then, there was a chance that I wouldn’t get it back.

And then yesterday, I was supposed to have an eight-hour shift. Instead, I gave it to someone else and I spent yesterday getting even more stuff done for my petition by contacting the various places that hold records I need for my petition. I submitted a letter to the physio clinic to request my records, and set an appointment with the ADHD clinic. I sent a copy of my letter to Adrian and Olivia for editing. Today, I am going to go to school to hand in all of those course performance summaries. I’ve been conversing back and forth with someone from school about my petition and they’ve been helping me so much by answering all my questions about the process. They even told me that I can call them about it in case I have any other questions. And right now, I just received an email the Counselling Services saying they’ve completed their portion. Everything is falling into place!

I can’t wait to have this completed and submitted. I can’t believe it took me all this time to do this. But the timing finally felt right. Imagine I had submitted it at any point in time before this and it wasn’t granted? Everything happens exactly as its meant to. This diagnosis is going to genuinely help me, I know it.

Anyways, that’s pretty much it regarding my petition and being a little bit firmer with work. Speaking a bit further on the latter though; I recently had a conversation with Sera that really inspired me. She made me see that she and I both have been prioritizing the wrong things for so long. She admitted to me that she regrets how much she cared about this job at one point in her life, and she doesn’t want that same regret for me. And I know she’s right. I’ve been thinking the same thing lately.

I’m so grateful for all the opportunities I’ve received working this job. I’ve met some incredible people, I somehow managed to work my way up in a short time, but I think my heart is slowly beginning to yearn for more. The scary thing is that this job is fairly easy and I get paid quite a lot more than most people do. It’s absolutely a comfort zone and I know it’s going to be hard to leave. But I also know that as I start to make movements towards my degree, I begin to stray further away from this chapter of my life. And I’m okay with that. I know things will fall into place as they are meant to when it comes to school and work. But it’s time to start prioritizing myself, just like Sera said.

I work hard at whatever I do. When it comes to jobs, I try my hardest to give my all. My all ain’t that bad honestly, and turns out that it’s exactly what my company needed. I know they created this position for me. I’m thankful that they did. But there are days I am exhausted mentally and emotionally even after a five-hour shift, all due to the department politics and unnecessary drama. It’s so hard to keep a rational perspective sometimes because of how fishbowl-like our little department is. And then because I care about what I do, I get stressed out when we don’t meet numbers or if I feel like I’m not doing my part. I worry if I don’t go in when I feel like I should. I get guilty about taking time off. I’ve prioritized this job more than I’ve prioritized anything else in my life, and that goes for my relationship with myself and my relationships with others. It’s scary and it’s sad, but it’s time to start unlearning these habits.

Which brings me to my next point: my upcoming travels, plural. I am so excited about being able to go to New York for my birthday with Adrian! I’m sad that I won’t be able to see my favourite painting Starry Night at MoMA because they’re closed for renovations, but I am excited to see all the places that Gossip Girl was filmed. I’m excited to adventure around such a big city with the love of my life, and try amazing foods that are unique to this place and culture. I’m so glad to be doing something that’s so important to me – I haven’t travelled since May, and it feels like I’ve even put my love for travel on the backburner to compromise with work.

And, I did something. Well, it turns out that Luna and Daniella are going to Mexico for five days, and they’re paying less than $500 each – that includes flight AND hotel!!!! And when Luna calculated how much it would cost for me (only 374!!!!) there was literally no way I could resist her siren song. She knew exactly how to get to me (no complaints here) and… I booked the flight, LMAO. I know, I’m reckless and impulsive and I booked that flight before I even paid for New York in full but GODDAMNIT LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD.

Here’s the thing though: Sharon has booked off that exact same week for vacation, and Maria has already warned us both that if one goes, the other has to stay. So, there was no way I could approach Anna and ask her if it would be okay because they’ve both already told me that Sharon is going. But thanks to our smart Sera, we have a plan: Luna and Daniella are planning on approaching Maria and telling her that Adrian knew about this trip because I told him I wish I could go and that he decided to get into contact with the girls so that he could pay for my trip to go with them as a birthday gift to me, which he’s intending to surprise me with when we go to New York. The girls are planning on telling Maria that they had no choice because he gave them the cash, and they booked it for me accordingly for those dates. And that it’s non-refundable, so she has to give me those days off. Only, she can’t talk to me about it because it’s a surprise and I have no idea about any of it.

The bright side thus far: Maria called me yesterday and let me know that one of our really good demos was planning on coming back. He apparently gave some specific dates, but I’m hoping those specific dates coincide with my specific dates. Furthermore, another one of our associates was planning on taking some days off in early November too which would have also boded ill for me. But, it seems like she’s changing her mind about that vacation!! According to a conversation she had with Luna recently. Here’s hoping that Universe really does have my back on this. I have every faith that it does. I flipped a coin and asked if I should go, heads being yes and tails being no. I got heads, then tails, and finally, heads again.

I know things haven’t really been the same with Luna and I for quite some time. I haven’t travelled with her since we went to Grand Cayman 2 years ago. I know sometimes it’s difficult to trust her because she doesn’t quite have any boundaries when it comes to her temper and getting involved with situations that have nothing to do with her. But ultimately, I want to believe she’s a good person and I’ve always had a good time travelling with her. And, her sister Lana is coming too and it’ll be nice to see her after all of this time. She’s a blast, and I know the four of us together would have a wild time.

I also can’t pass up on a trip for this cost. A five-star hotel, an island away from everything in the middle of blue waters and tons of white sands. How can I not?!?!? Plus apparently I’m vitamin D deficient so I should get all the sun I’ll get before the brunt of winter. It’ll be good for my health, LOL.

I’m nervous, but I’m hopeful. Everyone I know is saying I deserve this, that it’s worth it. I don’t want to feel guilty about missing work. I’m not even missing anything important – it’s right in between two of our biggest events, and it’s only five days as opposed to Sharon’s week. I’ll be there to cover for her 2/7 days she’s gone.

We’ll see! It’s happening, I’m going, I can’t go back now that I’ve booked it. We even have Adrian’s blessing on the plan and my travels, so full steam ahead I say! They’re planning on doing it tomorrow, oh boy. Wish me and the girls luck!

So that’s it about that. Next, my phone call with Leila, update on Adrian and I, and update on myself. But, it’s currently 1:21 PM and I have to get ready to jet off to school before 2:30 PM so that I can pick up my paperwork from PCS and hand in my course performance summaries to all their respective departments. When I come back in the afternoon, I promise to finish this once I get through the rest of my tasks I’ve written down on my task list for today. Not a bad start to updating things though!

I’ll be back!

…And I am back! (Hehe Office reference).

I successfully handed out all my course performance summaries (which literally felt like running a marathon as every single course subject department was scattered throughout the entire goddamn campus – I did 7500 steps at York alone, lord) and took a break when I got home by making myself an omelette and watching a movie.

I had other things to do on my task list, but honestly these two days off I’ve had have not felt like days off what with the amount of running around I’ve been doing, and I am tired. I got to balance out some me-time or else I’m going to get run down between running around on my downtime and running around at work.

So, my me-time right now entails writing and essentially talking to myself while my cat sits comfortably on my lap.

Alright, let’s get back to it.

So, Leila asked to have a phone conversation with me to discuss things after I gave her some space, and we ended up speaking yesterday. Man I was ever nervous. But everything went really well. She asked me questions as to when I started feeling the way I did, and asked me point blank if I didn’t want to be friends with her, etc. And I tried to answer her questions as honestly and openly as possible.

I asked her why she still wanted to be friends with me after everything, and she explained that she knows me and knows my qualities despite how I’ve been acting these months, and she would rather choose love over everything, every time. It was very sweet and heartfelt. I didn’t realize that she’d grown to know me so well, and I her, after all this time.

She even gave me the benefit of the doubt and thought that there was something wrong with me that was making me pull away or need space, even though it hurt her. I appreciate that about her so much. I haven’t been the best friend, and I know it hasn’t been a magical year. I’ve been slipping into old habits and I’ve formed new ones that aren’t so good. But things are going to change, because they have to.

Anyways, we established what we need from one another if we are to move forward. She asked me for effort, simple effort even in the form of a snapchat from time to time, just to show her that I still think of her. Small reaffirmations to acknowledge our friendship. She’s not asking for a lot.

I asked her what I could do to regain her trust, and I know that I can’t just say all these things – I have to act. I have to make plans, I have to check-in with her from time to time and ask her how she’s doing in depth so that we don’t have to wait until we see one another to properly catch up.

I also asked that moving forward when we do ask about one another, that we provide each other with as much detail as possible and remain open and honest and vulnerable. I want to be able to tell her everything and anything, and vice versa for her with me. She agreed that that was a good point as well.

Ultimately, it’ll probably take a while for us to resume a proper, trusting relationship with one another. I have a lot of work to do, I know. But it’s not “a lot” a lot in the sense that it requires more energy than I have to offer. I want to choose to prioritize her the way I prioritize whatever else I do in my life.

She’s one of the longest friends I’ve ever had, and I don’t want to lose her. For everything she is, she really is a wonderful person with a big heart who cares so deeply, I truly believe that.

We’ve been catching up lightly now, which has been nice. And we’ve set a date to hang out for when I get back from New York. I’m excited! I think now that we’ve got everything out of the way, I can be my weird self with her again and have fun the way that we always used to. Slowly but surely.

It’s been a really weird year I think. Sort of like, out of whack. It’s like, I got this promotion and it became so important to me, and everything went off-kilter. So strange. But I mean, if life’s a series of roving hills, then this year is just one of the lower dips maybe. Not that it hasn’t had its ups at all.

The one thing that has been constant throughout this entire year? My relationship with Adrian.

Next month, we’ll be celebrating our official one-year anniversary with one another. We’ve met each other’s families, travelled together, and pretty much established that this is pretty serious. I’ve never had it this good with anyone before, ever. Even our “conflicts” (and I use that word as lightly as possible because we never, ever disagree on anything) are handled as maturely and thoroughly as possible. There are no dirty dishes in our kitchen sink because we air things out as calmly and rationally as we can, and always with so much love for one another.

People we know (like my coworkers and my family) keep joking with us about when we’re going to get married or when the big day is, and we always laugh it off. I’m definitely in no rush whatsoever towards anything more than what we are and what we have because I’m so incredibly happy with him and happy with all we entail.

But as I’ve said before – if it’s possible, I want this to be it for me. I want him to be it for me. I can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else in this life unless they are exactly like him. Actually, I don’t even think anyone could compare or even come close because he’s so uniquely him and so wonderful for everything he is.

He always says, “slowly” when people bring up the big “m” word. And I agree whole-heartedly. But I’m hoping one day, I’ll hear him say “I can’t wait until we get our dog”, or “I can’t wait until I can wake up beside you every morning”. I remember one time when we were talking about our age difference, he joked that one day I would be 83 and he would only be 80 and he’d be the one laughing then, and it made me so incredibly happy LOL.

I want us to be laughing when we’re in our 80’s, together. I want that Notebook kind of love (minus the Alzheimer’s, obviously). I want to spend the rest of my life adventuring around the world with him and enjoying all that it has to offer us.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself. But I can’t help it. Especially when I feel like I’ve received everything I could have ever hoped for or wanted for myself, in him. So, I have to make a note of just enjoying every moment that we get, and be present. Enjoy every one of those precious moments where we both half-wake up in the earliest hours of the morning and sleepily pull each other closer. Every deep conversation we have in his car while we’re smoking a joint, talking about life and fear and love and so much more. Every time he looks at me and my stomach flips because it’s so full love and passion. I’m so lucky, and I’m so happy. I don’t ever, ever want to take this or him for granted.

Anyways, that’s a little update about us. I’m really looking forward to our New York trip, I know we’re going to have so much fun. We really do travel so well together, which makes me really happy.

Okay so update on myself. Time to be brutally, uncomfortably honest.

I may or may not have developed a slight gambling problem. Okay no, it’s not that bad and I’m blowing things out of proportion. What I have developed in reality, is a terrible mindset when it comes to money that has somehow become directly intertwined with my mental health and emotional state.

I think it started when I got hit with the tax return thingy; instead of getting a nice return like I was hoping for, I instead had to pay back a pretty large amount that hurt my soul. Since then, I’ve just been stuck in this financial rut that I can’t seem to break out of. I never seem to have enough money and I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck since this summer.

I’ve been struggling to have faith and trust this process, and breakout of this lack mindset. The universe does keep pulling through and helping me out every single time though, on the bright side. But when I don’t have money, I’m constantly worried and anxious and I can’t stop thinking about how I can get some more.

I think I need to rewire my perceptions when it comes to money. I somehow got into the “hustle” mentality, a mentality that I’ve never had before. I think a hustle mentality is something that is rooted in lack or never having enough, to a certain extent. At least, it is when you’re hustling and actually getting money but you still feel like it’s not enough and you’re never happy with what you had in the first place. And once upon a time, I was perfectly happy. I had more than enough. In fact, I still do. But that feeling and the gratitude that follows as a result has become a distant memory to me.

I’ve never really been good with my money, honestly. I’ve been struggling with it for quite some time. Not even like, the having “enough” of it per se – but like when I do have it, I can’t seem to hold onto it. I spend too recklessly and thoughtlessly, I don’t save, and I don’t budget well. Which is strange, because my mom is like the epitome of smart money management. She’s also quite frugal though, so. I don’t know.

I definitely want to be generous and I genuinely wish I could be to the extent that I imagine in my head. Sometimes I picture winning the lottery and the first thing I’d do is write everyone I love a big fat cheque and tell them to live their lives as they see fit and not worry anymore. I honestly wish.

But I think it’s time I start taking better care of myself in that way. I need a better voice in my head that stops to ask me, “do I really need this? Do I really need to spend money this way?” Obviously I would like to continue living my life the way I do. I don’t want to second guess buying a cup of coffee for myself or someone, nor do I want to stop doing the things I love to do such as travel. But I don’t need to spend $80 bucks weekly on an online gambling site hoping I’ll make a couple hundred bucks, only to lose it all and proceed to hate myself and feel anxious and low. I don’t need that. That is a direct counteraction to my self-love and self-compassion.

It’s so hard because I actually do enjoy it, in moderation. Like when I go on my Niagara trips with the girls. But lately, moderation has flown out the window in the face of my desperation and fear. I don’t think I should let myself play unless I’m genuinely willing to stick to a limit and unless I can learn to detach my mental/emotional mind state from whether I win or lose. If I’m playing only to win, it’s not going to end well.

You’d think spending my entire life growing up with a gambling addict for a father, I’d learn a thing or two. But eh. I guess I had to learn for myself.

Other than that, things have been pretty good. I’m really trying my best to take care of myself by taking my vitamins and eating as healthy as I can (when I have an appetite, as my ADHD medication suppresses it pretty badly). I’m trying to make time for myself and prioritize what I know is important to me, trying to take accountability in the aspects of my life where I know I should.

I haven’t really been making time for my self-love and happiness though. I haven’t done anything lately for me that makes me happy. I try to spend time with others where I can and yes that does make me happy, but I don’t remember the last time I just had a day to myself, all alone, just doing whatever the hell I wanted to with no obligations looming in the back of my mind. I’m hoping that I will be able to during my Mexico trip with the girls, just take some moments to reflect and touch base with myself again. Travel is always good for that.

Well, it’s getting late and I have to wake up early tomorrow to shower and get ready for work. I’ve deleted Uber off of my phone because that’s yet another bad habit that I’ve developed, and I’d like to return to taking the bus now. It’s really not that bad.

So, off to dreamland I go! It was so nice catching up with myself. I’m hoping that I’ll find a moment to write again soon and I definitely want to make note of all the wonderful things that I’m going to experience during my trips.

Until next time! Love always, always,

Me.

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