Typing out day 309 is actually a little crazy to me, I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by. I turned 27, I went to New York, and I’ve just come back from Mexico so it’s been a whirlwind of an October, but definitely one of the best. I wish I could have written more though, to remember it all. But it is what it is.
I learnt a lot of lessons this month too. About honesty, about friendship. Especially because I inevitably came forward about the lie I told in order to be able to go on my Mexico trip. It got to a point where it was better to tell the truth than keep the lie going, and as hard as it was to own up to the mess I made, inevitably nothing felt better than taking full responsibility for my actions and coming clean. In fact, I felt incredibly proud of myself afterwards because it took so much courage to face everyone, and myself.
Well, here I am now. 27 years old. It’s so weird, because it hasn’t sank in yet. In 3 years, I’m going to be 30. THIRTY! How did that happen!?!?! I don’t know if it’s hard for me to think about because I don’t have a career or my degree yet, but then again there’s tons of people who are still figuring out their lives past 30 as it is. It’s just, such a strange time to be in. I keep seeing so many people I used to know back in high school getting married, having kids, and I keep thinking “huh, so young”. But, we’re not really anymore, you know? This is adulthood. This is mortgages and rent and owning a home and starting a family and being cool with it.
I’m trying really hard not to compare myself to everyone else because my path is my own. And honestly? I am happy with my path. I haven’t given up on school, I travel a lot and I’ve seen quite a bit of the world (thankfully). I like what I do at work and I do it well, and I have a steady relationship going. I can’t complain. In fact, I should be grateful.
I had a really good talk with Radha this morning and she actually gave me a little wake up call. She told me that it’s time to sit down and ask myself what I really want from life so that I can get clear on exactly what I’d like to manifest. And she’s right. I lost sight of a lot of things this year, got complacent. I stopped all my good habits and I’m slowly sinking back into autopilot mode. What’s even more torturous about this is that I know that there’s more to life, having directly experienced it myself. And I keep saying this over and over, but I keep letting time slip out of my hands without doing anything differently. I sometimes get annoyed when people constantly complain about the state of their lives or bemoan their mind frame without actually making any movements to change things. But I’m doing the exact same thing!!!!
I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth and I’m getting to that point where it’s infuriating. But it’s me! I have to start doing differently, not waiting around for something to happen! I can’t live like this anymore.
I want my mojo back. Winter is coming now, and I can’t make it through this sunless season unless I start regenerating my own inner sun that’s kept me so warm throughout these seasons, the sun that lit up my smile from within. I need it back.
I wrote some ideas down in a prior log that I’d like to reiterate to myself:
“It’s time to get back to meditating consistently every night. I’ve been thinking about it so much lately, but I always wait until the very last second when sleep is about to overtake me, and then I become too lazy to get out of bed and follow through. Which means, I need to change my sleeping habits – no more of this sleeping super late and sleeping in as a result. I’m cutting away valuable time from my day as a whole by sleeping in until 10 am.
I need to start writing more frequently. If I can’t manage an everyday basis (which shouldn’t be true now that I’m cutting down my hours at work to what I want them to be), then I should at least commit to 3-4 times a week.
These are two very key things that I need in order to monitor and understand my own mental health. Everything else will follow as a result – the better quality books, working out consistently, eating healthier and maintaining proper boundaries. I know this because I’ve experienced it directly. But in the meanwhile, one small hill a time. There’s no need to incorporate all these things at once. One thing at a time with a steady discipline.
This is a good lesson to me. Life isn’t all about quick fixes. Quick fixes usually don’t last too long. Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do, as short as it may be. There is no “one thing” we do in order to maintain the quality and happiness in our life. It’s a lifelong mission and journey. This isn’t a bad thing – in fact, it’s beautiful. We’ll always have the opportunity to choose to do differently for ourselves, at any point in the time we’re alive. It’s never too late, and you never stop learning. And that’s so, so beautiful to me.”
I’m right. I know what I need to do because I’ve done it before and it worked. It worked wonderfully, and my life was exactly what I wanted it to be. I’m not saying I’m unhappy right now. I just, don’t feel… like I know I can feel, if that makes sense. I don’t want this lost, “drifter” feeling anymore. I know this year hasn’t been bad, or particularly good either, but I just can’t experience anymore “greyness” anymore. I want vibrant, magnificent, resplendent colour in every single thing that I do and see.
I need to go back to being fearless. I’ve also noticed that I’ve let fear become an undercurrent to a lot of the decisions I’ve been making and the way I’ve been acting. I’m holding back, not being 100% honest or speaking my truth. But I know who I am. Beneath all this sudden learned behaviour, I’m… the girl who’s willing to do a running jump off a dock into a lake with no fear of the cold or what’s below. I’m the girl who’s willing to swim amidst sharks and even barracudas just to be able to see the beauty of a breath-taking coral reef. I’m the girl who’s able to come clean and be honest to the people she cares about, even if it means potentially losing them along the way. I’m the girl who has been always been able to have faith and trust the process, even when the process has been scary or difficult. That is who I am and that is who I want to continue to embody.
I am strong, courageous, beautiful inside and out, curious, adventurous, caring, compassionate, brave, fun, lively, honest, open, free and peaceful. That’s who I am. That’s what I must remind myself of. That no matter where I end up in life or what point I find myself at, this is who I am and this is who I must be, in the face of all that I may encounter. No more fear. No more.
I love the things I love, relentlessly. Travel, tattoos, reading, spirituality, deep and big conversations about life and love, learning and growing and adventuring, and so much more. Those are the things I must make time for so that my spirit and my soul will be nurtured.
So, what am I going to do?
I’m starting my meditation sessions tonight. Even if they start off at 2 minutes each of breathing or breath counting. Even if it’s listening to my own recorded voice for guided meditations. I’m going find the technique that works best for me. And I’m going to be disciplined. No more slacking off when it comes to this; I need discipline in so many aspects of my life, more than I’ve ever needed it before.
It sucks that I feel like I have to fight with myself a lot due to my attention span. But I have to try. I have to work with myself here, some how, some way.
My brain is always everywhere at once but I have to start off by doing what I can, when I can. One thing at a time. But that also includes writing like this.
Once upon a time, writing every single day was not a chore or impossible to do. In fact, it was a habit that became as effortless as popping on an episode of Gossip Girl on Netflix. Same goes for meditating. And if I know it’s possible, then why not?
I need to get out there and do stuff and be happy, right here and right now, as I am.
I can do this. I know I can because I have.
What can I do to encourage these better habits again? Setting phone reminders? Putting up physical reminders? Creating an alarm maybe, or a set time?
What if, every day at 8 pm, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, I stop to write a brief log? Even if it’s a couple sentences? That might help me to get back into the habit of writing again, every day. I need to pick a time that’s going to be realistic though, if that’s the plan. I work at 11 am mostly every day – what if I woke up earlier (for real) in order to spend a half hour to an hour just writing?
Such as 7 am. I think I could benefit by being up at 7 am every day. Especially if it’ll help me to sleep at night a little earlier. I can commit to this.
And what if I do the same thing, but at 9 PM every night for meditation? That way I get ready for bed but I’m not leaving it too late either.
Okay. I’m going to set these alarms right now.
And that’s one step closer to exactly where I know I’m meant to be.
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day because I have a lot of errands to run, but I’m looking forward to it. I’m going to pick up what I can from my course performance summaries, get some sheet protectors and a file/binder to organize my petition into sections and meet with the OSAP office to talk about deferring my payments and how OSAP would work once I do get back into school.
I’m learning that I have to make better use of the time that I have, because I have plenty but the way I prioritize things makes it seem like I have none.
Well, that’s all for today I believe! Maybe tomorrow, for my first 7 am log, I’ll do a full update and talk about myself, my two trips in full, and how my birthday was. Sounds like a plan!
Love always, no matter what,