Day 40 – February 9th, 2020

Hello, hello! I’m currently at Adrian’s and it is a lovely lazy Sunday. I actually don’t work a single Sunday this month, which is quite nice hehe. Sunday’s are suuuuuper long and suuuuper boring at work, especially with the fact that there’s added pressure to make sales since it’s supposedly a “busy day” in the weekend (it really isn’t, or at least it hasn’t been as of late). 

So somethings I’d like to discuss that I’ve found quite interesting. It all began yesterday. 

As I mentioned in my prior log, I spent the Friday/Saturday with Adrian before leaving to work in the afternoon for my 4-9 shift. I asked my dad if he could pick me up later, so I was all set to head home afterwards – I was especially looking forward to showering, saying hello to my fur babies, whatever else I needed to do, etc. 

Halfway through my shift, Adrian messaged and asked if I could come over again that night. I thought about it, and I was very much considering it; I’ve done it before, spent like 4 days in a row with him over the weekend, Friday through until Monday morning. In fact, I was pretty much used to it by now, as that’s usually how my weekends go. 

But this time, I was genuinely looking forward to going home and changing out of my clothes, washing my hair, unpacking my bag from vacation, unpacking all the stuff out of my side-bag and re-packing it a little bit lighter, and dressing more warmly and comfortably as I knew I wouldn’t be going to work Sunday and I’d be taking the bus on Monday morning. 

So, for the first time like ever, I said no. And you know, I felt weird!!! I know it was no problem to him, but it made me realize how careful I have to be about my boundaries in this relationship as well as my level of attachment. It’s so easy to get consumed by a relationship and lord knows I’ve done it before, but this was a good reminder to consider what my needs are over the needs I have in my relationship.

I love spending time with Adrian I really do. But we do spend quite a bit of time together, and I really was looking forward to going home. Not to mention, I was planning on spending today with him anyways so it didn’t really make a difference altogether. 

I hope this really does serve as a reminder to carve out some time for me, and me alone. It’s important to touch base with myself, make myself a priority, and make sure I’m considering my own comfort and needs. Not selfishly or excessively of course, but enough to ensure that I’m taking just as good care of myself as I am everything else in my life. 

Anyways, as a result, I ended up having really weird vivid dreams: I dreamt that Adrian was mad at me!!! It’s so weird – it was him, but it wasn’t him. It was him, but like with Don’s personality, or my old personality. He’d like, taken it personally that I hadn’t come over and was upset that I wasn’t making time to see him. And when we got together in person (we were on our way to some kind of event), he kept avoiding the subject and we kept being passive-aggressive towards each other on our way to wherever we were going. 

I asked him if we could talk about it, because I didn’t want to continue on pretending like everything was okay when it was clearly not. I explained that I didn’t want us to “kitchen sink” our problems the way I have before in my prior relationship. Only, every time we started to get into that conversation, we kept getting interrupted. And when we did get further into our conversation, he mentioned something along the lines of not just being upset that I said no to hanging out, but also being angry or jealous about something else!

It was such a strange dream. It was so weird because it was like, my old subconscious fears playing out in live stream in my head. Way back when in my old relationships, this is the kind of reaction I’d prepare myself for when it came to choosing myself and saying no when I had to. Obviously, Adrian was nowhere even NEAR upset and everything was perfectly normal when he picked me up today. I’m in a mature, healthy, adult relationship with someone who doesn’t take it personally when I’m not up to hanging out. But it’s so weird, this dream was like… a reminder of what I once used to experience.

No one should ever feel fear or guilt for choosing themselves when need be, ever. EVER. And I genuinely used to, you know? It was my go-to reaction. I don’t do well with saying “no”, even if it’s for me. But boundaries are good, they’re healthy and necessary for the healthy relationships that follow as a result. 

I think this is a lesson I’m still learning. Not just in my relationships, but also when it comes to work, and whatever else. But it feels good to say no. It feels good to choose myself. I’m a happier, healthier and more wholesome and honest me when I say no. 

I guess that’s my lesson of the log today. Say no sometimes!!! And then don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t fear your boundaries because ultimately they’re there to serve you, and your well-being. 

Anyways, that’s about it on that. Onto the next topic of discussion. 

So I’m going through my old logs for my book, and I’m somewhere in May-June, at the peak of my feelings for Dylan. While that chapter is well and closed in my life now, I’m starting to second-guess whether or not I want this chapter in my book. What I’d mostly be addressing in it is how Dylan showed me that there’s hope. Hope for a better relationship, hope that there’s great guys out there, hope that I could fall for someone again. I’d also want to address how not everything goes to plan, and that that’s okay – because everything happens exactly as it’s meant to and I have no regrets whatsoever, especially because I faced my fears and told him how I felt. I’d want to address that bravery, that courage, and how important it was to my growth, even though it didn’t lead to anything. It was a very important lesson for me on how I also have a tendency to pedestalize people, or write them into my narrative without truly getting to know them first. 

But I’m like, worried I guess LOL. Anyone who’s close enough and knows me well enough will be able to put two-and-two together and figure out who I’m writing about, including him. Not to mention, it might be kind of uncomfortable for Adrian to read about me having feelings for someone else, even though it did precede him and even though nothing came of it. I don’t know. It’s definitely a conversation I’d have to have with him first so he doesn’t end up blind-sided I suppose. 

I don’t want to leave that out. This book is supposed to be me, all of me, all my my process and everything I learned on my way to self-love. This book is vulnerability, and I can’t hold back or else it’ll defeat the whole entire purpose of it. I have a message to deliver to whomever I can reach and I can’t do that person the disservice of half-assing this message or filtering it in any way. 

And, for those who know me and are important to me, they will understand this this book entails my past, and this past has passed. It has led to who I am now. That’s all there is to it. 

I was having a bit of writer’s block when it came to this part but I think writing about it here will help me get past it now. I just needed to put things into perspective and talk myself through this.

Anyways, that’s about it for today! I’m working nights tomorrow, so I’m sure I’ll find a moment to write and if not, there’s always break at work. I’m so proud of myself, for keeping up with my writing!!! This is so great, my heart is so happy that at least out of all my resolutions thus far, this is one that’s coming along nicely. So proud. One thing at a time!

Love always and immensely, 

Me.

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