Day 50 + 51 – February 19th & 20th, 2020

Hello, hello! Short quick log because I spent so much time just chilling in bed on my phone, LOL. Or maybe not a short quick log, I’m not super tired so we’ll see what transpires (OHHHH I AM A POETTTT!) 

Things have been swell thus far throughout this mercury retrograde. I have this feeling of momentum building up in me that I know is going to break forth soon. I think I need to get back on my ADHD medication too, honestly. It really does make quite the difference! 

I’m looking forward to March (happy here in this moment too, though!) because I’ll be more mindful about how I comprise my schedule. I want more days dedicated to formulating my book, even if it’s once a week. 

Radha came over today! I love how spontaneous we are and how perfectly things align for us – I had literally just gotten home from work, she happened to facetime me and tell me that the retrograde had her reeling a little bit, so she asked if she could come over and hang out and it worked out perfectly! Funny because earlier this morning when Adrian was dropping me off at the bus stop, he’d asked if I wanted to come over again tonight but my gut told me to say no and agree on Friday instead. Hooray for intuition!! It’s nice to be aligning with it once more. 

It’s hard having consistent faith sometimes and not giving in to my thoughts/emotions of lack or worry. But I keep choosing again, keep reinforcing a positive mindset until it becomes my reality. Faith is work!!!! But it’s only work until it becomes first nature. 

Crazy coincidence today – so Gilska messaged me saying she needed some advice about something that she could only talk to me about, and asked me to give her a call when I had a chance. As soon as I got home, I called her and asked her what was going on. 

She explained to me that lately, she’d been having dreams about her ex-guy (whom she never really actually ended up in a relationship with) and that those dreams were so vivid that they were bringing up old feelings of passion that was making her scared and self-guess how great things are currently going for her in her waking life. 

She saw something about him on instagram (he started dating someone even after claiming he wasn’t ready for committment), and she had a “meh” reaction in her conscious reality/waking life, but proceeded to start dreaming up strange and out of place scenarios starring this dude. 

Talking to her made me realize certain things. Like how our dreams are our brain’s way of dealing with things or coming up with solutions to situations that our waking life/conscious selves may not have had the chance to do. That we’re a summation of our past experiences and our existence is comprised of all these latent memories and feelings that we no longer entertain in the present, but they’re all there, stored away in our computer like minds, and these things can get pulled up easily by the mechanics of our subconscious.

She acknowledged how incredibly happy she is in her present day life and admitted that there was absolutely nothing lacking in her current relationship. So I explained to her how the difference between that lust-induced passion versus a love-induced contentment is a chemical reaction that we tend to find addictive, in the first stages of seeing someone. That’s why those dreams felt so potent. 

But we can have that same thrill by making sure that being in love is not a passive act – we have to be active in our current love in order to keep that novelty and thrill continuous and consistent. The reason that people think their feelings start to taper off the longer they’re in a relationship is because they stop doing ALL the things they did when they first started dating that person. Therein lies the loss of those feel-good hormones and chemicals. Oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) is great and all, but as novelty-seeking humans, we need that adrenaline rush from time to time too. 

Being in love with someone truly is not a passive act. It takes work, effort, and consistency to fall in love with someone over and over again. It takes CHOICE – you have to CHOOSE to love someone, actively. To keep that flame alive and burning, to keep that passion as passionate as ever. Comfort really can be the enemy of progress sometimes. 

In the end, she felt better having understood what the real reasoning behind the dreams really were. I’m so happy that she thought of me, all the way across the world, for advice on these matters. I’m glad that I can make that kind of impact in someone’s life where they know I can be there for them, unfailingly. 

Her experience also reminded me that I’m so incredibly happy with Adrian. We’re definitely more comfortable with each other now, yes. But we haven’t stopped doing all the things we did when we first started dating. The affection, the flirting, the adventure, the seduction, the passion, the heat. The gestures, the balance between staying in and going out on proper dates. He’s still courting me, and we still make an active effort to continuously get to know each other and learn more about one another. 

We know what it takes to make this work and we’re both doing our part. There’s a reciprocity that I’ve never quite experienced before, but it’s exactly what I’ve always needed and wanted. 

How nice is it, that my waking life is better than my dreams? I’m thankful that my reality is more than anything I could have ever imagined for myself. 

Anyways, this turned out to be a little longer than I thought but I’m glad. It’s nice to write honestly to myself. I’m doing this thing where I’ll only post my logs at the end of the month, and I’m posting filtered content. I want to treat these logs here, like my diary. A place where I’m comfortable to say absolutely anything and everything I want.

Okay, time for bed! I think Adrian and I are going to Niagara this weekend. In fact, we are! I’m manifesting this. I want to have fun and live life fearlessly and take advantage of all the opportunities I’m given. We’ve been inside for much too long, (minus our wonderful trip, paint night, etc) and it’s time for more adventure things. Winter will not stop us or hold us back! HUZZUHHH!! 

I probably won’t get a chance to write this weekend, but I’ll bring BB Laptop with me just in case I do find a quick moment. Until then! 

Love always and effortlessly, 

Me.

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