Day 67, 68, 69 – March 7th to 9th, 2020

Hello! It was a busy weekend indeed, but now here I am at home and I’m off from work. I intend to make this day as productive as I can be! So I’m going to write a proper log (one that I actually finish, heh), work on the newest chapter of my book, and then start getting ready to head over to Adrian. He’s going to be driving with me today (in the sense that he’ll be teaching me how to drive) because now that the weather is getting better, I aim to schedule my G2 test for either the end of April or the beginning of May. It’s about time I get that out of the way! I’d say I’m fairly comfortable with driving now; I just need more practice, that’s all. 

Light catch-up on this weekend: Chad’s birthday was soooooo much fun! It was so nice to get together with everyone that way and basically have one giant sesh, LOL. It was such good vibes, everyone who came was super chill and easy-going. 

How has everything been with MEEEEEE?!!?!? Let’s do a lengthy, in-depth, no holds barred catch up.

Let’s do it the ways we always have by breaking it down: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically anddddd then general/miscellaneous. Okay, go!

Mentally, how have you been? Well good sir, mentally I’ve been in a pretty good place! I don’t have any “lows” as much anymore – perhaps my consistent take of vitamin D has helped to regulate my moods? Could be! Speaking about my ADHD and anxiety – I haven’t actually been getting anxious about much lately. I do lightly feel the pressure of handing in my petition to York, but I have a feeling it’ll be in by the end of this month. I’m handing in my last CPS to York tomorrow before I go to work, and then once it’s back to me, that’s it. I literally have EVERYTHING I need to hand it in. All I have to do is tweak my petition letter a little maybe. But that’s it. After that, it’s in God’s hands and whatever is meant to be will be. 

About my ADHD – I’ve been off of my medication for about 2 months now maybe. I’m still getting by on a day-to-day basis without it, but the typical forgetfulness and occasional bouts of lack of motivation happen from time to time, noticeably. What I do like about my ADHD medication is that it does stimulate this drive of productivity and helps with my memory, I must admit. I am aiming to get back in it soon, because I do think it’ll help overall with me being consistent about my writing, and focusing on things I set my mind to. Not to mention, it also helped with my moods too! I think it regulated my serotonin? I may be wrong about that, but whatever it did, it helped me to feel happy everyday (like an added happiness to my baseline happiness. Perhaps it was a byproduct of feeling more motivated and organized though!). 

So, mentally as whole, things have been good. I’ve been super mindful about myself, my wants and my needs, as well as keeping an eye on my mental (and physical of course) well-being amidst all this coronavirus-frenzy. For a while, I’ve been following it very closely and informing others around me accordingly as to what’s been going on. But, I think I’m going to try and taper off from that now because I think that rather than informing people, I’m instilling fear. I personally think it’s important to remain informed because it gives you the ability to act accordingly in a timely matter if need be (I do believe it’s best to be prepared in any case rather than caught off guard), and while I myself can personally filter information in a way that doesn’t cause me fear/anxiety, I don’t think others are reacting quite the same. I’ve seen everything from fear reactions to denial (“I’m so scared for myself and my family, I’m terrified of this sickness” to “it’s not that bad, the flu kills more people every year”). 

Ultimately, by informing people on what I learn/know without giving them a chance to seek out this information or digest it on their own terms, I’m potentially doing more damage than good. It’s like how the media is bombarding people with their choice of wording (“panic”, “terror”, “fearsome”, etc.). I get that it’s their job to follow this as closely as they have been, but it’s way of sharing this news that is creating panic. (Obviously not for all media channels, there seem to be some that share information as calmly and rationally as possible). It’s everyone’s individual choice in regards to how they’d like to react to all of this, and if anyone does want to stay informed, I’m more than happy to share what I’m learning as I learn it. But by bringing it up at work or in small gatherings as a topic of conversation, it’s somewhat detrimental to the overall vibe because of the fear it immediately instills for the most part. Not everyone is going to react the same, and rather than incite more panic or fear, I’d rather chime in when I know it can be discussed rationally and calmly. 

I can only control what happens within me, not outside of me. I can be mindful of my own thoughts and emotions, but I have no say over how someone else may react and think about the things I say/do. Ergo, I have to also be mindful about how what I’m saying is being construed during this time and place. While I do think it’s super important to remain informed, it’s even more important to not spread panic/fear. 

Wow, that’s quite a tangent LOL! I guess I have a lot to say lately. Anyways, to draw this aspect to a close: mentally, I’m being very careful about my thought streams and how they influence my emotions. Now more than ever, it’s important for me to remain as positive as possible, (rationally), channel my inner ray of sunshine, and hope for the best. 

Now, onto emotionally! 

Obviously, my emotional state is tied closely to my mental state as thoughts influence feelings and vice versa. So lately, when it comes to my emotions, I’m also trying to be very emotionally aware by picking “feel-good” thoughts, or “feel-good” things I can do. Positive emotion instills a positive reality. It’s obviously very important to allow all of your emotions. But I’m choosing to focus on the good ones as a way of reinforcing them. For example, gratitude, appreciation, little positive things to focus on like how the sun is shining and it’s going to be 15 degrees today. Those are good feelings that don’t deny the existence of less-positive emotions such as fear or anxiety.  

So, emotionally I’ve been steadily happy. Because I’m doing my best to be mindful mentally, it’s directly affecting my emotional state as well. Positivity is actually such a wonderful thing. It’s choosing to see the light amidst all the dark instead of pretending that the dark doesn’t exist. I know it’s there, I see it, acknowledge it, accept and even embrace the dark if need be – but no matter what, I choose the light. I choose to feed the light, live in the light and reflect the light back out into the world as much as I can. 

And now, onto my favourite part – spiritually!!!

Spiritually, with the help of my guides (both non-visible and visible) I’m slowly but surely aligning with my higher self. I forgot how much trust it takes to really flow with that non-reactive path but I’ve seen what it can do and I believe and trust in that process for me. I know with every fiber of my being that I am always, always being guided and that I’ll always know when to act and how. I don’t need to go out of my way to make things happen because they will happen and they will happen in my favour – I just need to be patient, have faith, and know that when it is time to do something, I’ll know exactly what to do and when. I’ve experienced it before, I will experience it again. I am dedicated to myself. 

That’s a word that Radha introduced to me recently – “dedication”. Lately I’ve been thinking about how important discipline is, because discipline is the key to consistency, right? But Radha added a connotation of self-love to discipline and came up with “dedication” instead. We want to be “dedicated” to our highest selves, not “disciplining” ourselves. Sometimes the word “discipline” can be associated with punishment, especially when it comes to our inner child. While it is important to hold yourself accountable for things, we have the ability to do so out of love and compassion for ourselves, ergo “dedication”. I like how gentle this word is, yet captures how important it is to remain consistent. 

So, spiritually, I’m practicing the art of “dedication”. I’ve been listening to hours of positive affirmations while I sleep in an attempt to subconsciously re-program the circuitry of my brain, I’m doing my best to be mindful when selecting my thoughts and emotions, my crystal collection is popping and I’m wearing different ones as they call to me each week, and soon I’m going to buy more canvas and paints as I’m convinced that painting is essential to my spiritual well-being. I’m also looking for a new book to read – right now, there’s this book I never really got into or finished called “The Seat of the Soul” that I have beside me. It’s rather dense and it’s a bit difficult to get into, so we’ll see. I know there are definitely some important lessons in there for me. 

Ou, also! I want to get an oracle deck from Happy Soul because I’d like to start communicating directly with the Universe in case there are messages I need to channel for me or people around me. I was once told by someone who drew my aura that I have empath gifts and latent clair-abilities, and I think I’d like to start honing them. Radha has me inspired, hehe. 

That’s about it for that. Spiritually, I’m tending to my soul as much as I can. Just because I can’t physically travel right now, doesn’t mean that I can’t keep spiritually travelling inwards. 

And last but not least, physically! So physically, I’ve been very healthy (thank you, thank you, thank you Universe!!). I’ve been taking my supplements as often as I can: vitamin C, D3, B6 and occasionally some ginkgo biloba or turmeric. I’m doing my best to remain consistent about the upkeep of my immune system as much as possible these days, so I’ve also been very aware about washing my hands and using sanitizer. I just want to get through this whole thing without getting sick or getting anyone else sick, you know? Aside from that though, it’s important to be aware of your health as a whole, so on a bright side, I’m glad that this whole pandemic has brought the maintenance of my health to the forefront. 

Also on the physical note – I’ve gained back a bit of weight since I’ve been off my ADHD medication and since I’ve stopped working out, but it’s okay. My boobs are back so I’m not complaining, LOL. I fell a whole cup-size down when I was in the midst of the medication! Regardless of more weight or less boobs, I love my body and I have to remember to embrace it because it’s keeping me healthy and happy. It’s doing its best to get me through my days and protect me, so I am thankful for it, no matter what it may look like. 

It would be good to start exercising again though – not to lose weight but because it does boost the immune system as well and promotes a healthy heart and cardiovascular system. Not to mention the feel-good endorphins that come about as a result. So that’s something I’d like to get on board with once again. 

That’s about it for my physical health. I really am grateful, every single day, that I have my health. Now more than ever, health is equitable to solid gold. I’m so thankful, and I hope to remain this way for as long as I can. 

And that’s about it for the aspects! All I have left now is miscellaneous and general stuff. There is something I would like to talk about though that’s been happening lately, but I’m hungry, and in my head I told myself that when I finished my self check-in, I could reward myself with food, so that’s what I’m going to do. I do promise to come back and continue though!!!!

Brbbbbb. 

And I’m back. 

Miscellaneous and general stuffs, let’s seeeeee. I guess more external stuff now, like what’s happening in my life! 

Work’s been good – since I’ve been making the schedule, I’ve made it to be exactly how I want it to be for myself, right down to amount of hours and shift placement. My life has been working out so well and my social life is thriving as a result of being able to plan my schedule accordingly. I’m obviously making time for myself too during the week, but I feel like that me-time still needs a bit of work when it comes to my boundaries. I’m getting there though! 

Also, work hasn’t been stressful at all lately because I’ve been separating myself from it for quite some time. In terms of boundaries in that regard, I’d say they’re pretty great! Anna does stress and vent from time to time because she has to (it’s in her nature), but I’m taking it on less and less these days, which I’m happy about. It’s not my life, and I know that. It’s just a means to an end.

And even though I’ve been more detached, I’m still able to do my job efficiently! I’m really glad about this because I was scared that the less I cared, the less I’d be able to do the work I have to do. But that doesn’t seem to be the case, which I’m thrilled about. 

Moving on – something that’s been happening a little more close to home that I’d like to discuss. 

So about two weeks ago, we surprised Bea on her birthday by having Lianna come over to dye her hair. Earlier in the month, Bea been showing me pictures of beautiful deep brown balayage styles – subtle, yet elegant – and she said she’d do it some time in the summer because going to Sri Lanka had left her a little broke. So, my mom and I decided to get it done for her as a little birthday treat to surprise her since she always goes so above and beyond for our birthdays, (and she obviously so, so deserved this! That goes without saying.)

When I walked in with Lianna, she was so excited and happy! But as soon as she told her boyfriend, she suddenly seemed a little uncertain. She beckoned me upstairs as she was changing into old clothes and asked me to speak to her boyfriend on her behalf because apparently he was caught off guard by the sudden change. So I explained to him that it was my idea to surprise Bea with getting her hair dyed, and he asked me if it was my idea to dye her hair or if she wanted to have it dyed. I explained that she had told me about it awhile ago so it was her idea, but that my family and I went through with surprising her. He seemed okay about it and on board, so Bea went through with it. (I would like to emphasize here that in no way, shape or form was I asking this dude permission to have Bea dye her hair, nor should she have ever had to have ANYONE speak to him on her behalf in order for him to be “okay” with the idea of it all). 

Anyways, SHE LOVED IT! And she looked AMAZING! True to Lianna-style, it was exactly what Bea was hoping for and what she wanted. Even Bea’s mom loved the change. (Mind you, it wasn’t THAT much of a change I must say – like I said before, it was a very subtle balayage that you could only really see well in sunlight). She loved it so much that she even wanted to go lighter some time in the summer, which I’m sure Lianna would have been more than capable of doing for her. 

But. (And it’s a big but). 

When Bea finally had a chance to video-chat with her boyfriend, he didn’t like it at all. He said she looked different, even screen-shotted various angles to send the pictures back at her with paint circles pointing out certain spots in her hair that seemed “too light”, and asked her what had she done. He said he didn’t like it, and even showed HIS mom, who also proceeded to condemn the change and say it “wasn’t a good idea”. At that point, she asked him just what exactly she could do now, and he said “I don’t care, do whatever you want.” 

Now, I’m pretty sure Bea has some anxiety/depression and when it’s triggered, she acts on impulse rooted in anger and fear. 

One day when Olivia came home, Bea flew up the stairs and left both her phone and the TV on, as if she had ran in a panic. And when Olivia went upstairs, she could immediately smell hair dye… 

This was shortly after Olivia and I had both received a message from Bea where she asked us not to tell her boyfriend that she’d dyed her hair, which we both found odd. I was hoping that maybe she didn’t go through with the worst case scenario, but the next day when I ran into her in the morning with the bright light of sun shining through her hair… I could tell it was jet black. 

I waited for her to tell me what had happened, but instead she went with the route of “something weird is happening to my hair, I’m so sad”. I’ve been dying my hair for years and I know very well that lightening your hair only makes it get lighter in time, not darker, so I knew right away that she was lying. It made me really sad and disappointed, but after talking it through with my sister and my cousins, I knew that there must have been some underlying cause or reason that this had happened. And, at the end of the day, it’s HER hair, and she can do whatever she wants with it, so I had no right to be upset. (EMPHASIS ON THAT SENTENCE!) 

The next day when we were both alone, I decided to have a talk with her to see if I could reach through to her. I told her that I knew she’d dyed her hair, as compassionately and carefully as I could, and she finally broke down and told me all about their video chat conversation and what led her to ultimately running to Shoppers, buying hair dye and furiously dying her hair back to black. 

Long story short, she was also having some trouble with her family, and it all spiralled together in a big mess that made her black out and do something really drastic. She was also beginning to have suicidal thoughts once more.

Longer story even shorter – safe to say, I officially hate her boyfriend, LOL. Or fiance? Because technically they’re engaged. (The ring came off for a brief moment but is officially back on, sigh). 

Okay, no, I mean like, he triggered memories of what I went through a long time ago with Don, and Radha also just left a very similar relationship as well. She rose like a phoenix from the ashes and reclaimed herself as a result of walking away, so one night she came over to try and talk to Bea. She explained that she was seeing alot of similar red flags in Bea’s relationship that she had in her own, and how even though leaving was hardest thing she’d ever done, it was the best possible thing she could have done for herself. 

But, I don’t think Bea is there yet. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink. She’s afraid of what her family will think of her if she breaks up with him, and she hasn’t even told her mom how much he’s been making her suffer from time to time. And when I say time to time, I mean time to time – one time, he had me call him and asked me, point blank, if Bea was cheating on him and seeing someone else while pretending she was at work. I slowly explained that all she ever does is hang out at home, go to school, go to work, and come home. 

He’s obviously very, very insecure. The problem is, that insecurity magically fades away and he becomes the best boyfriend ever – when they’re together in person (and he’s able to have direct control/supervision over her). That’s when everything she does is “okay”, because he’s there to see it all happen. But long distance is bringing out a side of him she’s not used to and she really believes he can change. That he can remember the person he was when they first started dating. 

That day that everything happened, she’d called his mom out of concern because he’d stopped picking up his phone while he was out, and the next morning he broke up with her, causing her to spiral even more. He holds their relationship over her head and dangles it like a prize – if she misbehaves, he takes it away, knowing full well how much she loves him and how much that hurts her. 

It’s manipulative and abusive. I don’t care if the long-distance is causing it or bringing it to light, I don’t care if he’s a great guy when they’re together, I don’t care if he “never used to be like this” and I don’t care that I barely know the guy – no one should treat ANYONE like this. No one should EVER suffer like this. Day after day we had to see her coming out of her room after clearly crying. Day after day we had to watch her get more and more exhausted. And hearing her cry is heart-breaking. 

They’re back together now, and I’m worried she won’t tell us anything anymore after we’ve all blatantly spoke ill of her relationship with him. It won’t be hard to catch if she’s having problems with him again though, so we’ll see. 

I know it’s not my place to interfere (unless she gets suicidal impulses again or acts on them in any way – she used to cut, and if there’s any evidence of that, as her guardians here we have a moral obligation to tell her family the truth about what’s going on), so I’m just going to trust in her process. If another time like this comes, then once again we’ll do our best to get through to her about him as gently as we can. 

On the bright side, it seems a seed has been implanted. She did let him have it and told him everything she was experiencing, send him screen shots and old pictures from when they first started dating, and asked for that to be their norm again. (Granted, this is all coming from her, so I have no idea if any of this is true. I do hope it is.) 

But she also has admitted she’s felt very lost and unsure of herself and she would very much like to reclaim her sense of adventure, sense of self, and freedom. (Freedom from him and her relationship with him but she doesn’t know that yet, hehe). 

I just want her to be happy ultimately. I personally don’t think it’ll be with him, but it’s not my place to impose that on her. I trust her process, and I hope she knows we’ll always love her as unconditionally as we can, and just want what’s best for her. She deserves nothing but pure love, happiness, peace, and a secure, stable and loving relationship with HERSELF first and foremost, but then eventually someone to love her in the exact ways she wants and needs to be loved. Not begging from scraps from someone who believes that love is control and posession because they’re not self-aware enough to understand how their insecurities are bringing someone else down. 

Anyways, we’ll see how it goes. I just needed to vent about that because it can be a little triggering sometimes, but it’s not my relationship, not my monkeys, not my circus – not my business. I love her, I trust in her journey, and I know eventually what is exactly meant for her will be hers. 

Wow, that was a heck of a log! I actually had to write this over the span of three parts in this day, LOL. But, I was so determined to finish it, and I’m glad that I got to. 

This week is looking to be a good week too – plenty of work shifts to keep me busy but just enough for me to go out and do things. Adrian and I drove around today, I think I’m meeting up with my new sesh squad on Wednesday, and then this Friday is my cousin’s airbnb ting! All in all, may as well get these social shindigs out of the way before things escalate eh? May very well not be able to leave the house in a couple weeks… we shall see. 

(Kidding, but also realistically probably not kidding… but eh, whatever happens, happens! Here’s hoping for the best). 

Love always, 

Me.

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