Day 126 – May 5th, 2020

Bonjour tout le monde! 

It’s another chilly-ish May day, but the sun is shining out there so it’s all good. I’m hoping that despite the chill in the air, everything will continue to bloom beautifully as we continue on into this month. I’m sure that in a week or two, things will begin to warm up. 

So, I was doing some thinking. I re-read the introduction of my book, and the tone in which I wrote it still resonates with me. It makes me feel good. It feels authentic, and sincere. And then I realized something. 

I wrote in my introduction about how I chose to help myself, out of self-love, however small and soft it was before my journey began. And I’m realizing that I have to do the same thing for myself, now. I have to force myself to do some things that maybe I’m resisting, but I know it is for my greater good. One way or another, my life must continue on. I have to “just do it” in many aspects of my life, or else I will become stagnant once more. 

That means actually getting my petition done and handed in. I have to stop beating around the bush with this one – I think school will be good for me. Luna is 33-34 and she’s gone back to school and she’s doing amazing!!! I’m only 27 – it’s not too late for me to pursue this avenue and make something of it. I can’t stay in the retail industry my whole life! Even if I am doing admin work and payroll stuff now – this just isn’t where I belong. I’m proud of myself for taking a sales position and turning it into a coordinator role where I have more responsibility. I’ve proven to myself that I can excel wherever I end up. But it’s time to do that in a greater capacity now. 

I think it’ll be good for me to go back to school. I’ve always liked it. And now is the perfect opportunity to do so. I’m not working, and I probably won’t be for a while. Come September, maybe I’ll be able to go back full-time and get things done for real. I can step back from my position and go back to being a regular demo with less hours, and stay on EI if necessary. This may be the perfect timing for me. But if I don’t take advantage of it now… nothing will ever get done. Nothing will happen for me. I have to make things happen for me, for me. I have to. 

I have to take a full day, no distractions whatsoever, and lay everything out on the table (both literally and figuratively). I need to see what’s done, what needs to be done, and start putting what I can together. I have my agenda now and I have all the time I could ever need. This is what I have to do, this is what is meant for me. Everything, and I mean everything, happens for a reason. How many months have I been saying I need time to get this petition done?!?! I’ve had almost 2 full months of quarantine and I’m not upset with how I’ve spent that time because I am healthy and creatively thriving. But, I also owe it to myself to get ready for when real life resumes, because it will and I want to be ready for that too. 

As much as I’m enjoying this time, I have to be realistic too. Life WILL go on, with or without me. And I want to be in the right place when it’s time, you know? Vacations don’t last forever. 

It feels like everything is clicking into place again. I’m going with my gut and when I step back, I can see how every small decision I make, every little occurrence that I encounter, is all leading up to something bigger and greater and ultimately meant for me. I can feel it. I know that when I said that 2020 was going to be a big year, there was a reason for that (pandemic aside). 

It’s time to find my real balance. A balance between enjoying my crafts and leisure time, but also using my free time for practical things that I know I need to do. I owe it to myself to do so. It’s time to stop being vague about me and my future. It’s time to stop running from reality. I’m better than that. I’m not a teenager anymore. I have to be responsible for myself, out of love. I have to be. 

So next week on Monday when I know I’m set to be home, I’ll designate that full day to doing what I have to do, regarding my petition. In the meanwhile, I really want to try to work on my book regardless of where I am. 

I have all my book notes with me in my bag anyways, so there we go. Plan is in motion! I can write my logs, write my book, and then paint for a couple hours as a way to unwind after. 

I guess that’s all for today really. I have some stuff I’d like to do before Adrian comes by to pick me up today. I have to paint a clear coat over my nails, do the colour oops hair treatment (I’m trying to get the last of the green out my hair, it’s about time), replace the bedding in Will’s cage, and pack accordingly for the next couple days. 

Until tomorrow’s log!

Love always,

Me.

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