Day 129 to 132 – May 8th to 11th, 2020

Hello, hello! It’s been a wonderful yet chilly weekend, but here we are with a brand new Monday and it’s time to get down to business. It’s time to get to writing my book! HUZZAAAHHHH 

But, before I do that, I’ll do a nice little catch up log with myself because I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve done that. 

So, how have things been!? 

Well, we’re heading into mid-May now – as per usual, time does not stop for anyone and continues to barrel onwards at what seems like a very fast pace. I’m still home, still “quarantining” (-ish), but I’m happy that it’s almost been two months and my family and loved ones are still remaining safe and sound despite the fact that we do see each other frequently. 

I’ve been great – I’ve settled into a sort-of routine now, where I spend a certain amount of time at Adrian’s, then he stays here, then I stay home and he goes home so we have some time apart, and then he comes to get me and the routine begins again. I like it – I’ve become really used to waking up beside him and having him close by, but I also enjoy the one or two days where we do our own separate things. 

It’s so hard to turn off the perspective in my brain where I know I’m typing for an audience as opposed to writing for just me. As I read the words I write, I think, “how does this read for others?” as opposed to just actually writing whatever comes into my head. I think of my metaphors, my alliterations, the style and nature of my writing and if it flows. While I believe that this will come in handy for when I’m writing my book (as I do love the stylization of writing as an art and a form of expression), I don’t think it’s necessary when it comes to my writing as a form of checking in with myself and maintaining a connection with myself and my self-awareness. 

But this is good. You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of when I’m meditating, and I’m trying to focus on meditating and on my breath as opposed to my thoughts and where they lead me emotionally. Writing to myself should be like focusing on my breath – it should flow easily and without effort, and every time I find myself drawn to writing for an audience as opposed to for myself, I should draw myself back to honesty, authenticity, and flow. To writing for myself before writing for anyone else. 

I like that! It’s a good way to put things into perspective. 

My ADHD has been a little bit bad lately – it’s been hard to focus. Even now, writing this log, I’m only a couple paragraphs in but I’ve already stopped like ten times because of being distracted. I think this week, I’m going to try to get back on my ADHD medication. I know it’s a higher dose, but I have to try. And then, I’m going to try and get in touch with my doctor to see if she can replenish my prescription. 

This week, I’m looking forward to working on my book and bringing it to life. I have my deadline of June 1st, and I really want to have something done by then. I most definitely will. I promised myself that. I also have my petition stuff out and ready to be looked at – amidst all of this, that’s something I have to pull together as well. I’m realizing, now more than ever, that everything really does happen for a reason. 

You know what I’ve been thinking? My job, despite being a coordinator and not just a demonstrator, will probably be put on hold indefinitely until September, maybe December latest. I’m essentially out of work for the rest of this entire year, potentially. Which means, I have every opportunity to stay on EI, and actually go back to school full-time. I’ve been given this super rare chance to actually put work on the back burner for the first time in years, because money is coming to me regardless. That means, I can go to school AND make/save money. 

When will I ever get a chance like this again? When will things ever fall into alignment like this for me once things return to “normal”? I have to, HAVE TO, capitalize on this! I know that even if my job is offered to me once more, Anna would understand and respect my decision to go back to school. We have a very strong team, and plenty of people to take my place. There are many people who can take up my hours, and I know she’d let me return on a reduced capacity if need be. 

The world has made it so that I can’t travel this year anyways. Life is so ironic, it really is. Now that I don’t have work and I don’t have travel, I can channel that love and passion into my book, into school. If I don’t see this time in my life for what it is and walk willingly into this pathway that’s been laid out for me… all I know is, I can feel what my gut is prompting me towards and I’m ready to listen. 

Either way, I still have plenty of time. Even though the mere thought of life returning to “normal” makes my stomach churn and my heart flip in anxiety, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have the power to make my life exactly what I know I want it to be. No matter what, this time in my life has helped me to put things into perspective. I’ve never been more thankful for a pause like this. Despite all the fear and chaos in the air outside and whatever is going on with the government and the world, I’ll always be grateful for this time in my life when I look back on it, I know it. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for that. Anything else regarding le me? 

Okay so, the three cups of coffee I had kicked in and I went on a massive cleaning spree in the house LMAO. I feel good now. Everything is clean, clear and sparkling! I actually kind of understand where my mom is coming from (shock!) about having a clean house – it just feels nice to come home to it, and do what you want to do amidst it. 

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I can get back to writing this. 

Anything else I need to get off my mind or catch up about?

Ah yes – some vague stray thoughts. As I have been reading through my old logs from 2017, it’s like hearing the voice of a really close old friend whom I love dearly. I loved watching her on her journey, reading about her realizations, seeing what she went through and everything she learnt along the way. It’s heart-warming, it made me laugh, and even though it made me cringe at times, I still loved every bit of it. That’s what I want to capture in my book – I want to tell a story, while at the same time emphasizing how important self-love is. I also want to engage my reader by adding in some exercises at the end of every chapter; this interactive element really helped me a lot when I was reading Christine Arlyo’s books “Me Before We” and “Madly in Love With Me”. 

I’m so excited to revisit that chapter/time in my life through writing my book. I’m sure I’ll re-learn plenty. 

The more I visualize it in my head, the more I can see exactly how I’d like the book to be. I can see the vision of it getting clearer and clearer by the day. I read this tweet recently that resonated with me so much, regarding this: “There are a lot of writers watching right now who are holding onto stuff because they don’t know how people will accept it… and it doesn’t matter. You have to get it out. You’re just holding onto something that really doesn’t belong to you anymore.” 

I love, love that quote. As much as this book is mine, it’s also a story that belongs to others now too. And that’s exactly what it feels like now. It feels like, I have to get it out. It’s begging me to come to life. It’s been asking me for years. 

I’m excited. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to hold it in my hands. I can’t wait to see it with my eyes, the way I’ve been visualizing it in my mind’s eye for so long. 

I guess that’s it for today! I don’t know if it’s all the coffee I drank or just the energy of this book coursing through my veins (probably both but more so the coffee than anything else LOL), but I feel super energized and I’m practically bouncing in my seat, I’m so excited. My heart is happy. LETS DO THISSSSSSS AHHHHHHH 

Life is good. I have that… magic feeling again. Like something amazing is about to happen. That good, anticipatory, tingling feeling. I love it, and I’ve missed it. 

Until my next log! 

Love, light, hope & faith always, 

Me.

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