Day 147 to 153 – May 26th to June 1st, 2020

HAPPY NEW MONTH! And just like that, May is over. It’s officially June! New month, new opportunities, new moments to be created. I’m sure it’s going to be a good month! (At least, I hope). 

May really passed by in a blur, throughout the end of the month. I didn’t write as much as I should have, but here we are again with a new month and a new chance to begin again. I shall dedicate this log to being a proper catch-up log, because it’s been a while. 

Where to begin!? Do I talk about what’s going on in the outside world first, or the inside world? I guess I’ll talk about the outside world and then how I have been relating to it as of late afterwards. 

Well, the pandemic is still going on strong; we’ve officially surpassed 6 million cases worldwide and some countries are only now beginning to face the brunt of the disease, like Brazil. Here in Canada, the past few days have seen a decline in cases from 1000 per day to about 900 per day, so that’s positive. It seemed that there could be a possible second wave and it hasn’t been ruled out yet completely, but it does seem like some industries are returning to business as usual (save for all the new protocols that have been implemented). 

Nevertheless, it does seem as though quarantine is continuing on into June, seeing as many things remain closed and social distancing is still being strongly encouraged. They’re placing 6 foot circles 10 meters apart in some parks, such as Trinity Bellwoods. Personally, I like the idea of this so that people can actually enjoy being outside again, but I hope that there aren’t the idiot few who ruin it for the many by not respecting the spacing guidelines. 

What a year man. It’s been crazy so far. It genuinely feels like a movie sometimes. But this is real life. 

Anyways, moving on to inside life. Things have been good! I’ve been back on my ADHD medication (in an attempt to be focused as well as moderate my weight), and I’ve been pretty productive lately. I’ve taken up running three times a week, and slowly but surely my stamina is increasing. I do want to be healthier overall, so I’m glad that I’ve been getting more consistent about my runs. 

I’ve cleaned out my closet and wardrobe to get rid of old clothing, reorganized everything and bought some cute new dresses (which I hope I’ll somehow get the opportunity to wear out some time this summer LOL). The house renovation projects have been going well (not that I’ve had any part in it hehehehe) and now our place is looking so much more bright and new. Quarantine really has been benefitting all of us in the best ways possible. 

Now that I’ve finished my painting, I need a new project to keep me busy. I know I should be working on my book, so maybe sometime this week I can return to that. I didn’t get a first draft done by today the way I hoped I would. But nevertheless, that first chapter is a good start. Chapter 2 shall arrive shortly. In the meanwhile, I would like to begin another painting, and my gardening has been keeping me a little busy as well. I have new plant babies! An aloe plant, and some beautiful lilies outside. I repotted my aloe plant with my bare hands and my heart is so happy :’). 

My anxiety has been getting a bit better. I don’t know if it’s a combination of physical exercise, more sun and vitamin D, being more productive and regulating my sleep cycles, but whatever it is or as a whole, things have been improving. My anxiety sort of made a flare-up after the whole thing with dad. Also, I had to have yet another talk with my mom because she did end up having one of her misdirected meltdowns/tantrums towards me despite the pre-emptive talk I had with her before. It went well, but Olivia happened to be there too and some things that my mom said inadvertently triggered her, which led to her having a bit of a meltdown herself. 

I’m glad that Nadia showed me the book “Not the Price of Admission”, a book about healing your relationship with yourself and others after having a traumatic or difficult childhood. I’m no longer attached to the point that I embody my mom’s pain, fears, worries, anxieties and projections as my own. In fact, the distance between us allows me the space to love her better and understand her deeper. I also know that even though sometimes her love seems conditional, on many other levels it isn’t. And wherever it is conditional, it’s up to me to love myself accordingly. 

What got Olivia was that my mom was basically saying she doesn’t have any reason to be proud of us because neither of us have our licenses yet, neither of us have graduated yet, and we don’t have anything to show for years of being in school. And I very calmly explained to her that if the only reasons she could be proud of us were for those reasons in particular, then that was very sad and I felt very sorry for her. I explained that Olivia and I have grown up to be beautiful, strong, intelligent women who are kind-hearted and good. That we’re figuring out our lives to the best of our abilities and doing whatever we can to better ourselves. That in itself should be more than enough reason to be proud of us. 

I explained it all to Olivia afterwards, when she let me know that mom had gotten to her. How important it is that we learn to be proud of OURSELVES first, and love ourselves unconditionally the way a parent should. We have to be the parent we never had by filling in all our own wounds first, so that this cycle of expectation and projection doesn’t continue when we have kids. It starts with us, to break the cycle of pain. I told her that she has to fulfill her own life’s purpose first and foremost for herself, and that everything else would fall into place accordingly. 

It’s not easy to be told by your parent that you are their only sole source of happiness and that their peace of mind resides completely on you and your “accomplishments” in life. That’s a lot of pressure. I know she ultimately wants us to be happy and successful, and we will be, but on OUR terms and on our OWN time. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for today! 

I’m still going with the flow and letting life take me where it will. Whatever is meant to be, will be. 

I’ll try to start writing more again this month and keep myself updated, and try to do more emotional/mental check-ins during this time! Lot’s of heaviness in the air these days. It’s important to rest, recharge and transmute that energy. 

Until tomorrow! 

Love always, 

Me.

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