Day 154 to 156 – June 2nd to 4th, 2020

Well. I have some processing to do. Yesterday, I had a bit of a… blow out? Argument? Massive yelling session? With my dad, and well… I don’t remember the last time I yelled that loudly or angrily. I was yelling so loudly that neighbours from 5-6 houses down were poking their heads out or coming onto their patios to see what the commotion was (I was yelling outside on the patio, which is why). I yelled so much that my throat was sore after. It got to the point that my voice became shrill (Olivia laughed after because she said it was like a mouse was screaming angrily and that it was almost adorable LMAO). 

Here’s how it began: Daniella recently got a pool for her birthday, and we’ve all been really excited about it because she said we could use it sometimes too. We’ve all been wanting to help her out with it as well so that she wasn’t setting everything up by herself. We have two massive pine trees in our backyard that were kind of in the way of the pool, and also dead pine leaves were falling from the lower branches into it as well. So, we decided to cut down all the lower branches of the tree in order for there to be more room for the pool and the surrounding area. 

My mom went last night to go help Daniella cut down the lower branches, and we were all out on the patio marvelling at how much clearer and better everything looked with the branches cut down. All of a sudden my dad came out onto the patio as well, and he started getting upset with my mom for cutting down the branches of the tree. I could smell alcohol on his breath (which was probably a part of the reason why he was getting excessively angry for no reason) and he kept going inside of the house and back out on the patio to yell even more at my mom. My mom didn’t say anything because she legit doesn’t care anymore, but I was getting more and more upset by the minute as he began to threaten her with (and believe me, I know this is ridiculous over A TREE) calling the police on her for cutting down the tree without his permission. He kept yelling that she was going to be in a lot of trouble if she kept it up and that she was (again, ridiculous), “damaging the ecosystem”. (IT’S A GODDAMN DEAD PINE TREE OMG). 

I had been firmly telling him to get back inside the house and that it was only a tree, but he kept yelling at my mom, and that’s when I finally snapped and lost it. I was like, “GET BACK INSIDE THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!” at the top of my lungs, and I think I stunned him, but he started yelling right back at me, telling me that he had a right to say whatever he wanted and that half the house was his. I honestly kind of blacked out at this point because I don’t really remember how it got to this, but I ended up bringing up his $6000 dollar debt from lottery tickets (once again, at the top of my lungs for everyone in my neighbourhood to hear, heh). 

I kept shrieking, “HOW DARE YOU!? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO HER THAT WAY AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT HER THROUGH!?!?! HOW DARE YOU!?” I was legit trembling with rage; my whole body was shaking from how angrily I was yelling at the top of my lungs. And then he was shouting back that he paid half the mortgage of this house and had a right to know what was happening in it, and that he could say whatever the fuck he wanted to say about it. Again, I don’t remember how this came up, but I screamed back something along the lines of how he wasted thousands upon thousands of dollars due to his gambling and he didn’t have any right to speak that way. 

At this point, he was absolutely livid and started yelling that he was going to sell this house, call his lawyer, leave, and that he didn’t want anything to do with any of us ever again. Olivia began yelling too, and we were both screaming “THEN GET OUT! WE DO NOT CARE! LEAVE!!!!!” 

My mom even came out of the backyard back to the house to ask us to stop screaming because people were coming out of their houses in the front of the street too (LMFAOOO). 

I think I stopped yelling after a certain point because he retreated to the living room, but holy shit I was shook. I was shook by my own damn self. I was shaking so hard that I thought my legs were going to give out from under me. I had to go outside and sit down and calm down before I passed out, because I was feeling dizzy from all the blood that had rushed to my head. Bea came outside to sit with me for a little bit, and I apologized to Daniella from the patio for everything she had to listen to in those moments. (My mom told us afterwards that Daniella was so scared and shocked that she didn’t know what to do and went back into her place LOOOL omg). 

No one that I know outside my family has ever heard or seen me like that, so I know it was pretty shocking for her. But, she said she understood because she could tell that my frustration was obviously bubbling inside for a while and I just let it all out. 

I had no idea I was that angry, actually. I mean, I’m usually pretty good with processing my emotions when it comes to things like this, the relapses. But, I guess because we never really got a chance to talk to him about it and we all pretended like nothing happened and business in our household resumed as normal, I never dealt with my emotions regarding what happened properly.

I was also just so, so incredibly mad about how he was speaking to my mom. I know that he’s repressing anger at having been caught again, resentful that his secret credit card and “financial freedom” got taken away, and that my mom is once again the person who’s truly financially in control once more and that he has to ask her for money when he wants it. But he’s taking it all out on her without even for a second being remorseful for the part that he played in this. And my mom is so tired of fighting with him, that she just takes his yelling and bad attitude. I had ENOUGH. I promised her that I would have her back, and I did. 

I don’t know man. How can he not see that he has a problem? It wouldn’t matter if he had a credit card to himself if he didn’t spend every single cent of it on lottery tickets and alcohol and racked up a debt, every single time. He’s completely financially irresponsible and incapable of having large sums of money without blowing it all. Time and time again, we’ve seen proof of that in these relapses. So how can we trust him? How can we NOT be angry with him? How can we NOT bring up the gambling problem, and have that be the only thing we can see when it comes to him? Especially when this keeps happening without resolve? Without him asking for help or being sorry about it? It’s almost as though he’s being pridefully in denial about it all, as though he’s in the right. But he’s not. 

The day before, Olivia and my mom got into a bit of an argument themselves. Olivia finally told my mom that she had upset her by saying that she had nothing to be proud of us for. They talked openly and vulnerably and my mom sincerely apologized for the things she said while she was in pain. She expressed that she was aware of her conditioning; all the things she’s been taught by our culture and the perspectives that she holds that can be damaging. They came to an understanding as I helped to facilitate their conversation, and all three of us came to a realization. 

We were taking turns getting upset with each other or having discord amongst the three of us, when really it was dad that we were all mad at. We just hadn’t had the opportunity to deal with it or say anything to him, and we were all taking it out on each other instead. My mom started crying when she explained how angry she was and how much pain she was in, and I started crying when I saw her pain. It’s just not fair man. Her life should now have been like this. It should not have been filled with this much suffering. She doesn’t deserve it. 

And that’s why I reacted the way I did, ultimately. My protective side came out, guns blazing, no holds barred. I would go to war for the women I love, my mom and my sister. I would burn it all to the ground if I had to. I can’t stand to see them in pain, and I couldn’t bear to hear the things my dad was saying to my mom in a drunken spiteful rage. All over A TREE. A TREE. 

Anyways, eventually I settled down and decided to go help out my mom and Daniella in the backyard. Before I did though, I stopped by the living room and decided to apologize to my dad. I calmly told him that I was sorry for the things I said while I was angry. He was still super upset though, so he shouted that when he made a decision, he would not take a step back from it, and would move forward. He yelled that he was deeply hurt and didn’t want to see any of us ever again and that he was done, he was leaving. Unfazed, I peacefully told him that whatever his decision may be, as his daughter, I was apologizing for the way my anger got the best of me and for saying some things that I maybe shouldn’t have, and for hurting his feelings. After that, I left to go outside and that was that. 

I apologized because I genuinely felt bad for the way I flung his own short-comings at him. He’s an addict, and he’s sick. Me yelling at him and bringing up his mistakes is like me yelling at someone who can’t help the fact that they are unwell. I could have had a proper conversation with him and calmly told him to stop yelling at my mom without bringing up things that I knew would deliberately hurt him. Nevertheless, I don’t regret my anger and I don’t regret how things went down at the end of the day. I’m human. I have my limits and my own flaws. I did the right thing by apologizing, not just for him but for my own peace of mind. Now, I just want space for the time being. 

Adrian is coming to pick me up today and I’m going to be staying at his place through this weekend, which I think I really need. Thank goodness. Usually we’re all here at my place during the weekend and that’s become something of a tradition during the last two months, but Olivia will also be spending this weekend at Trevor’s, so all four of us won’t be here. I considered staying home for my mom, but Bea promised to keep an eye on my mom and hang out with her. 

So, how do I feel about it all now? 

My heart is still a little sad. I think it’s like… my inner kid in my heart, you know? The little girl who still feels like she has a broken family. But, I’m here for that little girl now. And I love her. I’m here to hold her hand and be that loving presence that she always wanted. And we’re going to have fun and play and live life to the fullest no matter what. I’m going to take care of her. I’ve got her back, and she is safe. 

She knows it’s no longer her duty to save anyone, and that the state of her family is no longer the state of her own well-being. Even if the “house” burns down, she will not burn down with it. She is free now. 

I, am free. 

I cried while I wrote that, and my heart feels so much more light now. Love is so powerful. Self-love, is so, so empowering and freeing. It warms my heart to know that the same way I am there for the ones I love most in my life, I am there for me too. 

Writing is so important, I must remember that. It is my healing. It’s my way of untangling the messy knot of feelings and thoughts that collect between my head and my heart. 

Anyways, I did a hot oil treatment for my hair earlier today, and it’s time now to go shower and wash it out. I promise to write some time this weekend and check in with myself to see how I’m doing. 

I love you, me. So very much. 

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.

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