Day 157 – June 5th, 2020

Hello! So I’m at Adrian’s now, and I’m enjoying my time and space away from home for the time being (although I also kind of have a weird withdrawal because I’ve been home for longer than I ever have been, recently). 

I just deleted Twitter off of my phone, something I haven’t done… ever? Like I deactivated my Facebook and deleted it a long time ago no problem, and I deleted Instagram off my phone but re-download it a couple times a week out of curiosity and to answer messages for a couple moments before deleting it again. I’ve never deleted Twitter before. 

I just can’t right now man. I know there’s a movement going on, and I fully support it. But the things I’m seeing, the videos that are being posted, the brutality and violence, the blood, the words, the negativity and the pain… I can’t. It makes me anxious. I know I’m privileged, I know I can’t even begin to imagine the real pain that black people endure on a daily basis due to systemic racism, oppression and injustice. I know my discomfort is merely a symptom of my privilege. 

But man. I just can’t fathom the world this way. It hurts my easily-bruised, squishy tomato heart. I know I’m a sensitive baby. But like, this morning I read the last words George Floyd uttered before he died and my heart broke. It makes me feel helpless. I know they’re out there protesting and making a difference. Like, really making a difference. I know my helplessness is nothing compared to the built-up grief and anger black people must collectively be experiencing. 

I promise, with all of my heart, to be the best ally I can be. If I see racism, I will call it out. I will fight for those who need to be fought for in the best ways I can, when I can. I will educate myself on my own terms, read the material that has been recommended, and do my best to practice “non-optical allyship”. But social media is currently taking a toll on my mental and emotional health right now. As much change is taking place on it, there’s also a ton of negativity and divisiveness. There’s triggering and traumatizing images and videos that I literally cannot stand to see and watch. It’s making me anxious, sad, and weighs my heart down so much. 

I have to take care of myself too. The information online has become so addictive that I find myself on twitter like every second of the day, just constantly consuming regardless of content. And then I feel drained after, saddened and anxious.

I have to disengage. I can do my part to send good energy into the world and be a good person or ally without having to display it all on social media or use it to validate who I am and what I stand for. I do not want to be performative or insincere. And I don’t want to compromise my mental/emotional health under the guise of remaining “informed” when I can do so by other means. 

I’ll return to twitter in a little while. Maybe sometime next week, once that impulse of checking it constantly wears off. I put a 3 hour time-limit on it through my phone but even that wasn’t enough. It’s crazy how much information you can consume in such a short while. 

Le sigh. What a world we live in. What a year. 

Anyways, it’s beautiful out so I’m going to go for a run and get my heart pumping, and when I come back I shall relax and read some of my book, maybe watch some more of my show. Until my next log!

Love always and deeply, 

Me.

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