Day 160 – June 8th, 2020

Helloooooo. So, we’ve scheduled an appointment for my cat at 4:30 in the afternoon today. I had some time to think about it last night, and I think I’m a little less volatile about the state of things (aka I won’t burst into tears every time I think about him being sick or potentially leaving us). However, things may become all too real after we visit the vet, so we’ll see how it goes. This is going to be the first time I go by myself with a pet to the vet (hehe). I have to be as adult-y as I can be in order to be strong, to make sure the vet doesn’t try to rip me off, and has our best interests at heart. I’m relying on my gut and my intuition to lead the way. I trust that I’ll know what’s best for my baby and whether or not the vet is genuine. 

He seems to be a little bit better today though – apparently he ate a little and he’s not limping or sneezing as badly, thank goodness. Hopefully whatever he does have or whatever is truly ailing him is reversible. Like I said, I’m going to be as positive as humanly possible and hope for the best. 

I probably wouldn’t have written today, but I actually have something weighing on my mind that I’d like to talk about. 

It’s been awhile since Radha and I have properly spoken. I think the last time we actually had a full-on conversation was… holy shit, the beginning of April. It’s JUNE! What in the…. 

Sigh. It didn’t really bother me as much before because life is life and I understand that sometimes you need space or you want to do things on your own. I’ve had phases like that too. I don’t want to expect anything from anyone that I call a friend because I’ve learnt that relationships are usually best without confining expectations. But, there are some basic stuff that comprise relationships too that aren’t expectations per se, but… guidelines? Reasons why relationships work and thrive? 

Like, communication. Even if it’s infrequent – if it’s scattered yet sincere, then it’s all good. Or, reciprocated effort. Again, not needed on a constant basis, but an affirmation of reciprocity here and there should be a given, no? 

Maybe what I’m feeling is loneliness, which is new to me. Maybe because I was used to seeing my friends here and there as I pleased pre-quarantine, I never really experienced this feeling before. This feeling of lack of connection, a genuine “social distance”. I miss hanging out with people, getting into cool conversations about whatever, and just having a laugh and enjoying company. I’m so thankful that I have my family and our weekend get-togethers, I really am. I probably would have gone insane if not for them. But man. 

I miss going to VC to sesh with the crew, or smiling at strangers on the street or bus, I miss getting out and about and getting lost in my music on the train on my way to downtown. I’m extremely content with myself and my own company and usually crave my alone time quite easily. But as a creature of balance, I miss the side of the social scale that balanced out my lone solitude. And don’t get me started on my much my heart is aching over travel. God, I miss travelling. 

I hate that when I go out, I’m scared of people coming too close to me. It’s not even the person themselves; I fear getting sick and getting my family sick as a result. Le sigh. I don’t want to be the reason someone’s health get’s jeopardized. Someone in Adrian’s family didn’t realize they had it, saw their parents on Mother’s Day, and the father just recently passed away as a result of catching COVID19 from her. I know it’s not her fault, but can you imagine how she must feel? He did have a stint in his heart to begin with, but apparently he was a pretty healthy 79-year old. It only took 8 days for his condition to completely deteriorate. That’s scary, and it’s sad. 

Welp, this went on a vent tangent, LOL. 

Anyways, I’m still going to do my best to remain positive throughout all of this. I’m sure I’ll still be able to see my friends here and there throughout this summer, and we’ll all be careful about how we go about hanging out, I’m sure. 

As for the Radha situation – maybe I’ll reach out again soon, see how she’s doing. I do sincerely hope she’s doing well throughout this time, and that maybe she distanced herself in an attempt to be more independent and self-assured. Maybe she’s learning self-love on her own terms (as she should) and practicing it diligently. That’s all I could hope for, for her. 

I am sad that we don’t talk and haven’t been talking because I miss what our friendship was before Kade entered the picture. We were pretty healthy and on the same wavelength when it came to our positivity and overall outlook on life and spirituality. I know it’s important to question things, learn deeper and further. But I hope that whatever distance she created in her mind, she realizes and continues to remember that one way or another, we’re all one and no one is any further along or “better” than anyone else. We’re all just trying to do the best we can and make the most of our existence, collectively. 

Ah well. Such is life, eh? I just wanted to honour my feelings and bring them to light so that they feel seen, and eventually pass through. I must remember that I am blessed, and I have so much love in my life. I am surrounded by wonderful people that I can reach out to at any moment I need. I am not alone, and above and beyond anything, I am here for me. 

That’s about it for today! I shall go for a run now. I’ve been running pretty consistently for the past 3-4 weeks! My stamina is slowly but surely getting better. And, I’m starting to enjoy it and look forward to the runs as well. The ADHD medication helps me to overcome my own laziness or dread, thankfully. 

I’ll write again soon. And I’ll do a more thorough self check-in the next time I do. 

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.

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