Day 161 to 169 – June 9th to 17th, 2020

Hooooo boy, do I have quite a bit to catch up on. It’s been about a week since I wrote last, and it’s been… a week. Unfortunately, we lost my cat. It was just his time. It was so heart-breakingly devastatingly sad, so, so, sad. It just felt so sudden, I guess. The only comfort was knowing that he wouldn’t be suffering anymore. It’s as though he decided things on his own terms, so that was good. 

But man. He was such a good boy. The best boy. It’s hard to think about sometimes, because it just hurts. We miss him alot. I miss him alot. I miss his kisses, his loud-ass purring, how he always came in the morning to meow and say hello and cuddle. I miss his feistiness, how unique his personality was, how much he absolutely loved us. He was the best cat ever. 

I hope he’s at peace, truly. I’m still waiting for a sign that he’s still with us, or that he’s moved on and found that peace. I just want to know he’s okay. I’m sure he is, but death is super mysterious. I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t believe in… something, after death. After all, energy cannot be created nor destroyed, right? So, I just want to know where his energy went, or what it transmuted to. Maybe one day, he’ll come back as a human and say hello? Hehe. 

Le sigh. My little baby. I hope he lived as full a life as any cat could live. I hope he’s running free and wild in good boy heaven and chasing all the little birdies he can to his heart’s content. We loved him so, so, soooooo much. So much. I’m going to miss him for all time to come, for sure. 

It’s been rough since then, but we’ve been keeping busy with house renovations and all that. And it’s been nice to see people for the first time in what feels like forever; Sera, Marilyn and Luna came over for Daniella’s birthday and that helped to get my mind off of things for a while. And Adrian came and stayed the weekend with his cat here too, so it was nice to have some kitty comfort for a while as well. 

It’ll be nice to start doing stuff with people again. Today, Daniella and I went to go meet Marilyn and Sera for a really long walk in their beautiful nature-filled area, and we did about 8000 steps just talking and laughing. Afterwards, we went to Sera’s place (which is insanely stunning and so peaceful) and had a late breakfast. 

I mean, I knew that we were going there and that there was a chance that we would maybe run into Dylan, as he lives there, of course. But LOL. As we were coming back from the walk, he was just leaving his house, shirtless, for a run. Heh. 

Okay but seriously, it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it was actually so nice to catch up and talk. I do consider him to be a good friend too, so I’ve missed him. He’s always been super easy to talk to. We’re cool. We talk to each other about our respective significant others and all that. I think the girls and I be going on walks every so often, which means he and I will probably get to see each other a couple more times this summer maybe, which would be nice. 

Moving on – Radha messaged recently. It wasn’t to offer condolences, but to tell me she booked a “solo trip” at the end of this month and was using me as an excuse to her mom. She said she hoped the Universe was treating me well, and that was it. 

So, I told her about how my cat passed and how things have been rough, but I wished her well on her adventure and told her I hoped that she would find what she was looking for. 

She tried to call that day but… I don’t know. I didn’t pick up. I just, didn’t feel like talking about it.

And then early this morning, she sent a message about how she saw a black cat recently and thought of my cat, thought of us. She said she was so sorry to hear that, and that all happens for the best. Which, lowkey kind of irked me.

I messaged back to say that it was devastating, heart-breaking to lose a soul friend, a spirit animal the way my cat was to us for the past 14 years. I guess I kind of wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation – I know everything happens as its meant to, and I have faith in that. But that doesn’t mean that it hurt any less, that it was any less sad or heart-rending. 

I have conflicting feelings. In our friendship, we haven’t expected much from each other. We didn’t message each other frequently but the feeling was always the same regardless of how long we went without talking to each other. Maybe because of quarantine, things feel different, knowing that everyone is basically free, all the time, and not talking to someone is more of a choice than it is due to extenuating circumstances of day to day life. 

It also feels shitty, that she finally messaged me after all of these months, just to tell me she was using me as an excuse. I’m glad she’s doing inner work. But there was almost no sincerity or authenticity to her text message, no vulnerability. It didn’t feel… real. Almost as though she had to text me out of necessity so I was in on the plan, in case her mom called or contacted me. 

Not to mention, the cynical part of me is kind of wondering if the reason she’s fallen off the face of the earth is because she has in fact gotten back together with Kade, and she’s actually taking this trip with him, and using me as an excuse. I’ll never know, because at the end of the day, I’ll only know what she wants me to know. 

I guess, bottom line is, things don’t feel the same anymore. Could just be me on my end, but that’s not what my gut is saying. And regardless of whether or not it is, my feelings are valid. She needed space, that’s fair. She needed to ghost, I understand. But to message me just to tell me that she’s taking a trip for self-love and self-reflection, to not ask how I’m doing, to inform me she’s using me as an excuse? 

I was never really good with boundaries and I don’t set expectations on my friendships because they’ve always felt more like limitations for me. But a part of loving myself as deeply as I do means recognizing when I’m being taken advantage of or being taken for granted. And that’s how this feels to me. 

I’ll leave it be. I don’t care enough to have this conversation with her because, ultimately, I really do wish her well and hope she finds what she’s looking for. After these months, I feel indifferent now. I don’t miss her, I don’t miss our conversations, and I don’t miss her presence in my life. As of late, our friendship has not been serving for my growth, development or happiness. Maybe that feeling is mutual. I won’t know. I can’t assume to. All I know is how I feel, and what I’m left with. I have no idea what she’s been through these past couple months, or how she’s been doing, not really. 

Maybe if she calls again, I’ll pick up. We’ll see. But things just don’t feel the same anymore. If it’s mean to eclipse into something new, it will. I never close the door on anyone unless they give me a reason to. I just leave it all up to the Universe. Nothing is permanent. And whatever is meant to be, will be. 

At the end of the day, I’m happy. I’m happy with who’s in my life right here, right now. I’m happy in my present moments. I’m living my life to the fullest to the best of my ability within this time, within these days. I’m at peace. That’s what matters most to me. You never know what tomorrow holds. I just want to make sure that at the end of the day, when my head hits that pillow, it’s with a smile. 

I have to choose love. I want to strive towards love, every day, in every way. That means accepting this situation for what it is. I’m entitled to my other feelings, the sadness, the slight resentment and anger, because I’m human. But what I want is to transmute all of that into love, into light. Genuinely. 

So Radha. If you feel this. Girl. I have no clue what’s going on with you. But I genuinely do hope you’re happy. That you’re being truthful, with yourself. That’s what’s going to matter the most at the end of the day. Just living your best, most honest life. I hope that trip you’re taking does you good, be it on your own or with whomever else. Take care, I love you, sayonaraaaaaaa. 

Whatever is meant to be will be. 

This was a good log! Lot’s to write about. Summer is going well so far. The weather is beautiful, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going back to work any time soon. I definitely intend to make the most of this time, believe me. Plenty of sun and activity. 

I guess that’s all for today! Here’s to living a life full of love. Here’s to my cat, my baby, my wonderful soul friend, may he rest in peace. I miss you so much, buddy. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you. I really do. 

Oh and! I have to reiterate – it was SOOOO nice to see the girls today and be active. I felt good today for the first time in a long time, like… normal? What my “normal” feels like. I miss human interactions so much, LMAO. I’m thankful. I really am. Thank you Universe, for the wonderful people in my life.

Love always,

Me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s