Day 32 to 36 – February 1st to 5th, 2020

I’m baaaaack!!! I didn’t get much of a chance to write more while I was away, but that’s okay. These are the last times that I’m going to have so much space/days in between writing my logs, I promise myself that. 

The rest of our trip went absolutely wonderfully. I’m going to try and write in as much detail as I can, the way I did for the prior days. 

So on the 1st, we decided to venture out further into the island by taking the bus into town and I’m so glad we did! I thank the higher powers that be that decided to imbue me with an excellent sense of direction – I can just about walk through anywhere once and know exactly where I’m going/need to go, which comes in super handy when it comes to my travels. 

Adrian trusted me and my sense of direction whole-heartedly and let me take the lead when it came to the transit system and getting to wherever we needed to go. I’m glad, because during our last trip in New York, I’m the one who trusted him completely and let him take the reins for the majority of our trip and where we did (and he did a wonderful job of planning an incredible trip). We balance each other well that way. 

The buses were exactly like the “buses” in all the other island places I’ve been to – a small van driven by a local and you can typically pay after you get to where you need to go. It’s always so much fun to go in these local buses because all the windows are usually open and you get these refreshing gusts of tropical air as you whip through the roads (safely) to your destination. 

Once we got to town, we walked towards the terminal where we could catch bigger buses which were a part of their official island transit system “Arubus”. These were the buses that went towards the bigger beaches in the north of the island. That day, we decided to check out one of the more popular beaches, “Eagle Beach”. 

As soon as we got there, we immediately understood why it was known as one of the top ten beaches on the island. There were miles upon miles of glowing white sands, as far as the eye could see. In contrast, the jewel-toned blue of the sea sparkled effervescently, its transparent depths lit up by the beams of the blazing sun. It was breath-taking. Probably one of the most beautiful beaches I’ve ever seen. 

We spent the morning and early afternoon alternating between swimming and soaking up the sun together yet again, just like the day before. It was so much fun – he would give me piggyback rides through the water and when we would sun tan, we’d cuddle up on the towels and be cozy and warm. Travelling to a hot, sunny destination is already so much fun for me on my own, but goodness is it ever amazing with a significant other!!!! 

We eventually left to grab a drink at a close by beach bar before heading back into town. We had already decided that we’d be going to a food place at the southern part of the island that came highly recommended by both locals and tourists alike called “Zeerover’s”, where there’s only 1-2 things on the menu and boy, do they ever do it well. Fresh caught fish and shrimp daily, fried up and served with fries, plantains, pickled onions, and the best tartar sauce we’ve ever had in our lives. 

That dinner was incredible. We ate our incredible meal on their open patio on the beach, as the sun set over the horizon. I love places like that – wooden patios that soak up the heat and scent of the sun and sea, lit up with kitschy big-bulbed light strings and neon beer signs, constantly bustling with people and laughter and conversation. 

We were a little bit worried about how we would get home since it had fallen dark, but we managed to find our way to a bus stop and managed to get back safely. Honestly the island felt pretty safe as it was – there was never a time we were afraid (minus this one time a whole bunch of dogs were freely roaming on their property and decided to chase after us on the road as if we were a threat). 

The next day was hands down one of the best days. I booked a booze-cruise snorkelling tour for us on a massive catamaran on the more northern part of the island for later in the afternoon. We decided to leave about 2 hours early though just in case – it’s always better to be early than late! 

And I’m so glad we did – we got to the meet-up location about an hour early, which gave us an opportunity to explore a little. The snorkelling tour meet-up location was on the beach, snuggled right between two massive and very expensive hotels. Seeing as no one was about to check if we were “guests” of the hotel that we had to walk through to get to the beach, we decided to walk around and pretend we were staying there too. 

We ended up getting to interact with beautiful on-site macaws and cockatoos as a result!!! It was soooo funny; the minute we decided to try and “blend-in”, we were immediately treated like we were hotel guests!! I was dying of laughter (internally), as we each held up a gorgeous macaw and had our picture taken as though we were high-paying tourists. 

We promised each other we’d come back and crash their luxurious hotel pool since it seemed as though hotel security was super lax, and with that we made our way over to the beach to sign up for our tour. 

This tour was so incredibly fun; it was all-you-can-drink, they provided fresh tuna and chicken wraps for lunch, and they took us to two incredible places to snorkel. Not to mention, it was on the biggest catamaran I’ve ever been on – the front of the catamaran had a deck made purely of net which we were able to sit/lie on, and we could see the water right beneath us. It was such an amazing experience to sail through the Caribbean waters as the sea-breeze cooled our skin while we bathed in the sun. 

And oh man, the snorkelling! Our first stop was at Antilla, which is the third largest shipwreck in the world and one of the largest in the Caribbean. The wreck was massive – there was no way that my tiny go-pro was going to be able to do it justice. It spanned quite a length of the ocean floor, and there were so many fish that had made it their home. It was so eerie yet beautiful the way the sea can claim something so man-made and make it its own, somehow. 

The second stop was at Boca Catalina, a bit closer to shore and with much calmer waters for a more relaxed snorkelling experience. We anchored there for a little while, and since we were a smaller tour we got to stay there awhile, doing cannon-balls and back-flips off the catamaran into the water and snorkelling to our hearts content. 

I’m so proud of Adrian. I know he was a little bit hesitant about snorkelling, especially with him not being a strong swimmer but he really held his own and actually ended up having a great time. There were moments that I would swim off on my own to explore, but every time I turned back to check on him to make sure he was doing okay, he’d signal me a thumb’s up and let me know he was doing just fine. 

My heart is so happy knowing that we can do things like that together. There were moments where we would swim together holding hands (super cheesy, just how I like it) and moments when I’d go off on my own knowing full well he’d totally be okay to swim around on his own too. He had so much fun throughout the whole experience and it reassures me so much knowing that he’s equally as adventurous and open to new experiences as I am. I love him so much LMAO. Le sigh. 

We even talked about permanently moving out to an island, tbh. We were kind of half-joking, but also not. I made a point that the only thing holding us back really, is our attachments to our families, friends and stable jobs at the moment. But he countered saying that the people who truly mattered to us and us to them would make the effort to come out and visit from time to time, AND that technically he can work from anywhere since his soccer gig is a work-from-home kind of thing. And technically, I could also work anywhere too since my contract is still on a freelance level despite my position. I could pick up anywhere in the world. 

It’s tempting, it really is. Time and time again I’ve considered it. But hey, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. I’ve already said before that I’d go anywhere with Adrian, live anywhere he wanted to. Maybe these trips can help us narrow down what kind of life we’d like to live. I wouldn’t mind at all being here for half the year and spending the other half living in warmth and sun. That’s quite literally the dream, but he’s right – there’s no reason we can’t make that happen. So, we’ll see. 

Anyways, after our amazing tour, we went back to that hotel just like we said we would and settled down poolside for a relaxing swim. We were getting a couple looks from some of the older folks (who clearly were staying at that hotel), but heck. No one said anything so we did our thing. We basically spent the entire afternoon at this super-expensive luxury hotel – for free. Ah, to be young and reckless LMAO. 

Once we’d had our fill of the pool, we headed back home to relax and get ready to watch the Superbowl. We found out we could order food to our Airbnb (true to form, and so us), so we ordered some arepas (a Venezuelan specialty), empanadas, 3 pounds of wings and more. I must say, the Superbowl half-time show was legendary. 

The next day, we spent the morning sitting outside our room, soaking up as much sun as we could. I set up breakfast for us at our little table outside so that we could eat together and have a romantic little last meal before we left. It was cute, we talked more about our childhoods and what elementary school was like for each of us. I like these conversations – as much as I feel I know him now, learning these little important tidbits about him allow me to snap in another puzzle piece into the picture of who he has become and who he is with me now. 

Eventually, we had to pack up the rest of our stuff and head over to the airport, le sigh. But as always, instead of being sad about leaving, I felt excited to return so that I could carry over this feeling of momentum, motivation, and happiness into everything I wanted to do back home, such as working on my book and writing these logs. I want to be effortlessly happy and grateful wherever I am, because that will allow me to appreciate everything that much more. 

The flights back home weren’t bad at all, but it did take a little bit longer as we had a lengthy stopover in Panama City. I’m thankful we got back safely, and since we both took off yesterday as well, we spent all of it just recuperating from the flights and resting up. 

Which leads me to being here, at home, today!!! I was supposed to hang out with an old friend from childhood but she just asked to reschedule. As happy as I would have been to see her, I’m still equally as happy to be home today and have this whole day to myself to do whatever I want without leaving the house, hehe. I return to work tomorrow, but I’m not sad or unhappy about that either. Like I said – happy wherever I am, thankful for all that I am able to do, and that includes my job. 

And that’s that on my trip! I really am so incredibly thankful that I am able to relentlessly pursue what I love so deeply and explore my passion for travel. I can’t imagine committing to it full-time the way most influencers or travel-bloggers do, yet – I am happy with my life right now and I am committed to writing my book and seeing my degree through. But after that? Who knows! I admire so much the way that influencers and travel-bloggers take what they love to do and make a self-sustaining career out of it. I wouldn’t mind it at all. Combining my two loves – writing and travelling – and making a living off of them would be a dream come true. 

I know without a doubt that I can manifest any life that I want for myself with the right amount of faith, dedication, discipline, courage and trust. I’ve seen it in all of the wonderful travel-bloggers I follow, and even experienced it myself in all of my own incredible adventures. I’ve made my life exactly what I want it to be because I chose to love myself and act on that love. So, I will continue to do so and let it lead me where it will. My life is beautiful, and will continue to be magic, because I will not settle for any less than that. You can have it all, if you just believe that you can. 

And I do. 

That’s my lesson for this log, and the one thing I’d like to reiterate to myself on a constant basis. Life is yours to be shaped. Not through fear or control, but through an open mind and heart, love, passion, the ability to surrender, and the courage to go with the flow. 

I think I’d like to go back to posting my logs online now, which is what I shall be spending the next little while doing. After that, I’ll start looking over my book notes again so I can get back into it. 

I think about my book every day now. How I’d like it to look, where I’d like for it to be sold, how I’d go about marketing and getting the word out. Who would read it, how it could help people. It warms my heart and it excites me to my core. I want this so bad. It’s so exciting to me to think about holding it physically, in my hands. My heart and soul in words on paper. Le sigh. 

One day. One day. 

That’s about it for today! I’ll be writing as often as I can of course, every day, even if it’s brief. I’ll write before I go to work maybe, or bring my little bb laptop to work so I can write on break. Until then!

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.

Day 28 to 31 – January 28th to 31st, 2020

Hellooooo! I haven’t been able to write in a couple days becauseeeee – I’M IN ARUBAAAAAA!!!! But I finally have a quiet moment to myself so I can write and update accordingly.

Okay so, before I left I had about 3 work shifts but honestly I checked out after the last weekend LMAO. Those 3 shifts went by in a complete blur, minus the last one which was super fun because Daniella and Marilyn were in and one of our other cool coworkers was spinning some good music over the speaker so we were dancing around and having a good time for the majority of my shift hehe.

I probably shouldn’t have left the packing until the last minute, because I ended up packing well into the night and we had to wake up at 3 am in order to get ready on time and make it to the airport around 4:30-5 am! Adrian stayed over by me, so once 3 am rolled around, we packed everything up real quick and Ubered over the airport.

Honestly, everything went quite smoothly with customs. And while the airport seemed rather busy, no one seemed paranoid or weary about the current virus situation that is on-going; in fact, to our surprise, the TSA workers weren’t wearing masks at all! And they come into contact with ALOT of people, so weirdly enough it was rather reassuringly to some degree.

I must admit – I was pretty afraid to fly, for one of the first times in my life. After experiencing that insane stomach-churning turbulence with Adrian on our way to New York where it felt like the plane was dropping out of the sky and tumbling sharply towards the ground and we both genuinely thought it was over, and after what’s happened to Kobe, his daughter and the accompanying families/passengers (who were simply on a 45 minute helicopter drive across the county), my fear levels were quite high.

Life is so unpredictable and as much as I adore travelling, I was afraid of that turbulence and I was afraid of that uncertainty. Hopping on a flight is literally putting your life in the hands of the pilots, and God really. Heck, leaving your house at this point requires a certain level of faith that you’ll make it back home safely.

But you know what I thought, as we barrelled across countries and the Caribbean Sea to get here?

“I will not bow down to fear and allow it to stop me from loving the things I love with all my heart. I will not let fear stop me from doing the things that fulfill my soul.”

I asked the Universe for a sign that everything would be okay on the second flight, as there was beginning to be some light turbulence that made my heart skip beats. I ended up catching a glimpse of my phone at the exact moment that the time turned to 10:18 (my birthday and one of my chosen Universe signs) and when I looked over at the backpack of the girl sitting next to us in our row, the pattern of her backpack was “Starry Night”, my favourite painting. I immediately felt calmer and some part of me knew that despite my surface fear, that everything was going to be okay and that the Universe would deliver us safely.

I can’t let fear stop me from living my life. If I did, then I wouldn’t be here on this wonderful, magical island experiencing the sun, the sea, the sand and beautiful tropical breezes the way I have today.

At the end of the day, you have to sometimes face your fears in order to curate a life worth living, a life you can look at and say, “Hell – if do end up dying tomorrow, at least I know I have no regrets, and I’m actually pretty damn happy with everything I’ve done and accomplished.” And that’s what I aspire to do with each and every day that I’m given.

I AM happy with everything I’ve done and accomplished thus far. I obviously don’t want to die – I have so many more things I would love to do and see through to the end – but so far, I do feel like I’ve spent my time on this Earth manifesting and working towards the exact life that I want and dream about. And so, I am happy and I am content. This happiness allows me to fear death just a little bit less, which may sound absolutely crazy to say.

But I mean, if every day we take one step closer to that inevitable moment, then I sure as hell am gonna make sure that every single moment that takes me there is beautiful, full of life, full of love, and full of courage. “Courage is not the absence of fear – it is feeling the fear, and doing it anyways.”

ANYWAYS! Heck of a tangent there, LOL.

So, safe to say we landed safely (THANK YOU UNIVERSE!) yesterday, and our super kind and wonderful Airbnb hosts picked us up from the airport to bring us over to their apartment complex.

When I first saw this apartment on Airbnb, it wasn’t just the super reasonable price that got me. It was the home-y feel to it, the vibe, the cozy little garden filled with knick-knacks and little couches, the upper patio perch they built overlooking what was bound to be stunning sunsets, and the fact that it was basically a cluster of studio style apartments, which meant total privacy and freedom.

My gut did a little dance, and honestly even though I looked at other locations, I’m sooooo happy that I went with my gut. This place was exactly what I thought it would be, right down to the little details. It was warm, home-y, cozy and everyone here is so nice!!! It’s got that local-feel which I love – plenty of people who have been here often or been here long who know the island well and know its hidden gems.

AND THERES A DOGGO! (Had to add that in there, hehe).

So yesterday, we landed in the late afternoon and being sleep-deprived and hungry, we decided to do a little grocery shopping and settle into our place. Our hosts actually took us on a mini tour of the neighbourhood and showed us how to walk to the beach, the supermarket, and where to take the bus into town or further into the island for other beaches – SO KIND AND SO SWEET OMG.

We picked up some supplies and headed back to settle in, and managed to make it back in time to witness the breath-taking sunset from the upper porch level with a couple of beers. Later in the evening, we stopped by a local restaurant in the neighbourhood for some stewed chicken, ribs, plantains, rice, and Johnny cakes – lordddddd local food is GOOD! Ultimately, our first day was a perfect success and I couldn’t stop telling Adrian how happy I was (and am!) to be here with him.

And today, OH TODAYYYYY. Oh man. Oh boy. We got up early and got a ride to the beach from our lovely hosts, and basically spent the entire morning and afternoon just sun-tanning, swimming, and drinking LMAO. Like, legit vacationing.

The beach was super quiet (just how we like it), so we picked a perfect spot near a pier and near the water. I spent a perfect balance of time split between swimming in the ocean amidst all the blue-turquoise water, and sun-bathing with Adrian on the white sand. We kept saying how grateful we were to be there, and it just kept getting better!!! Two big doggies came over to us and they were swimming and coming up to us to be pet and playing with each other and running around it felt like they were ours for a brief moment, ahhh. It was just… heaven.

Eventually we settled onto the little dock to sit and dip our feet in the water as we talked and talked, and lucky for us we basically ended up seeing National Geographic unfold in live action right before our eyes – two MASSIVE fish zoomed in from the ocean towards the pier and scattered all the little minnows that were near our feet into a frenzy!! We saw purple and gold fish, yellow and black striped fish, needle fish, even baby barracudas it seems. Needless to say, but despite our day being rather straightforward and simple, it ended up being quite fun-filled and adventure packed.

We bought alcohol from a beach bar close by (I got the local cocktail “Aruba Ariba” and Adrian got 6 of their local beers for a deal of a price) so we drank those by the ocean side and just relaxed. After all our lounging, sun-tanning and relaxing, we decided to grab a bite to eat at the beach bar (which also had a pool-bar built in!). It felt like we were at an all-inclusive without the ridiculous pricing of an all-inclusive.

After we had our fill of the sun and the sea, we headed back to the apartment to get all cleaned up and do another grocery run (as well as grab some alcohol) and we had a cozy night in with some Mario kart and lots of drinks, true to our vacation style living. I love us, I love how symbiotic we are when it comes to our travel habits, needs and wants, and I love how well we get along with each other as we live together in smaller spaces. He truly is such a perfect travel buddy and such a wonderful boyfriend.

My heart is so happy. I am so, so incredibly grateful to be here, to be doing what I love most on this earth. Travel fuels me, my heart yearns for it more than it does anything else in this world. But, I’m also happy that I’m happy exactly where I am when I am where I am, too. Did that make sense? Like when I’m home, I’m happy to be home, and I’m happy with everything I’m doing back home as well. Wherever I am, I am content. I am doing my best to make the best of wherever I find myself to be.

I think I captured more than enough lessons on facing fears and gratitude in this log, so I won’t reiterate any important lessons, aside from… stay fearless. Live as fearlessly as you can, and if you can’t do that at times, then live as courageously as you can.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 27 – January 27th, 2020

Hello! I’m starting this log on the last legs of my break as a reminder to come back to this and finish it off! Okay byeeeeee. 

…and I’m back! But alas, unfortunately time has escaped me today what with the amount of work that had to be done (I’m working on the schedule for February before I leave to Aruba oh so soon!) so I have a limited amount of time to type out a little log. 

I’m proud of me though – I could have easily decided to just go to bed without writing anything at all, but instead I decided to acknowledge my impulse to write and act on it, even if it is briefly. 

I can’t believe there’s only two days left before I fly off to another country!! Omg I am no where near as prepared as I’d like to be. I have to pack, I still have things I need to buy, and I’d like to properly organize a list of the essential things that I need to pack so that I don’t forget anything while I am packing, LOL. Definitely not in that order as the list should precede the packing. 

I’m hoping with all of my heart that Adrian and I will have safe travels to where we are headed. I have faith we will, but with everything that’s happened this year thus far, I feel we’re becoming more and more aware of the fragility of life you know? Like I said in my prior log, I don’t want to let this awareness become an undercurrent of fear in my thoughts and actions, but still. I’ll be thankful to land on the island safely, and to return safely as well. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for today! So, before I go, time to write my daily little lesson reaffirmation – what would I like to touch upon today? 

Be present. Be effortlessly present. Don’t look to the next moment, or focus on the ones that have passed. When you’re in the here and now, all of a sudden, there is no construct of time. There’s no agony of waiting, or regret for what’s passed. Being present is the balm to all things, what patience really and truly is. It’s being present. “Wherever you go, there you are.” 

It’s not an easy mind-frame to cultivate. In fact, it’s sometimes difficult to fathom at all – we’re constantly watching the clock to see the minutes pass in order to get home from work, or school, or some other obligation. Constantly counting down the days until the weekend, or the next vacation or getaway. So, how do you truly enjoy those things when they come? If we’re being selective about the moments we choose to retain a present-awareness mind frame, we start living in this start-stop lifestyle that’s bound to give you a little whiplash. 

When you go with the flow of being present, every moment and every day is a gift, no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Being present allows you to fully enjoy those moments that you are lucky to encounter, like feeling the sand between your toes or feeling the breeze coming off the ocean. 

So, remember – don’t cultivate a “next-moment” mind frame. Be right here, right now. Do your best to make every single moment that you’re given the best it can be. Channel your energy and your motivation into all that you do and create a momentum that seamlessly flows throughout your days. 

You got this. I believe in you and I love you. I’m always here with you, rooting for you, and I’m always here to whisper encouraging things to your heart whenever fear decides it wants to try and get to you again. But you are strong, courageous, and you will always, always be “Fearless”. 

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 26 – January 26th, 2020

Well hello there!! 

I’m currently at Adrian’s, and he’s got a game to work so I figured I may as well take this time to write out a log while he’s busy! I like that we can hang out while he still works from home; I genuinely enjoy being in his company, even when he’s busy with work. I remember when we first started seeing each other and there would be days that he had games, I would just sit quietly behind him on the couch reading a book while he worked and I was more than happy to be doing that. Sometimes I’d fall asleep and he’d tuck me in with the burrito blanket so I was comfy-cozy, gahh. I love him, hehe.

I just took a quick break from writing because we just found out about the news of the passing of a very reputable and well-known basketball player who many, many people looked up to throughout his career and throughout their lifetimes. I may have only just started getting into the sports world and basketball, but even I know how much of an impact he made in the sport and the world alike. My heart goes out to his family, and to everyone who feels the pain of his loss on some level no matter what that level might be. His thirteen year old daughter was apparently with him too, along with a bunch of other people… I don’t really have the words to express how sad this is. 

It really just goes to show that no matter what your stature might be in life, what you’ve had, what you’ve done, what you’re yet to do – when it’s your time, it’s your time. It’s so sad and it’s shocking and unbelievable but it’s instances like these that remind us, collectively, that life truly can be cut short without a moment’s notice. Nothing in this life is guaranteed, including life itself. If we spent more time acting on this truth and remembering it… I don’t know, I just think that this world could be better. We could be better. 

It’s funny how the most “cliche” things in life are the truest truths. “Life’s too short”, “time heals all”. I know these things are said quite often but at the end of the day, it doesn’t make it any less true. 

This is why it’s so important to be appreciative, and thankful, on a daily basis. To be thankful that you woke up this morning, and took a breath, because there are so many people who don’t get the opportunity to do so. We’re so lucky to be alive!! I’m so thankful that I’ve got to live as long as I have, seen all the things I’ve seen, done all the things that I’ve done and experienced all that I have, every single bit of it from start to now. I’m so, so incredibly thankful for it all. 

It’s nice to know that when things like this happen, the world can seemingly stop for a moment to grieve as a whole, to take a moment of respect for a soul that inspired so many. We’re capable of so much greatness and so much kindness when we want to be. 

Anyways, I don’t think I really want to talk about much else for this log. My lesson to reiterate for today: when all else fails, when life seems to be hitting you hard and relentlessly, even in those darkest moments, be thankful. Be thankful that you’re able to experience those adversities because somewhere out there, there’s a wife, a mother, a son, a daughter, a sister or brother or father who is wishing that someone they loved could be experiencing all that life has to offer, the way that you get to. There’s someone out there who may be counting down the days they may have left on this earth wishing with all their heart that they could be experiencing everything that you get to experience, good or bad. 

Gratitude allows us to see the beauty in every moment we’re given, every breath that we take, every thought that we think and every feeling we feel. Gratitude saves us from taking these things for granted, and allows us to see these things for the miracles that they are. Because that’s exactly what they are – miracles. It’s miraculous to be able to wake up every moment, miraculous to step outside, and make it back home safely. 

So… no matter what you may be going through or how hard it might be to do so, try to be thankful, as much as you can be. It just makes this life that much more wonderful, beautiful, easier and peaceful too. 

(RIP Kobe & Gianna Bryant, John, Keri and Alyssa Altobelli, Sarah and Peyton Chester, Christina Mauser, & Ara Zobayan.)

Love always and endlessly, 

Me.

Day 24 + 25 – January 24th & 25th, 2020

Hello, hello! I’m currently on my break at work typing this out, and I’m actually feeling pretty genuinely happy! I think that writing out that last log actually helped me so much; I can read through the news now without feeling that panic bubbling up in my throat! All I feel now is concern, but I also feel calm as well. I know that everything is going to turn out for the best and that humanity will come together as a whole to pull through this, as always. Everything is going to be okay. 

I’m also super glad that I’ve been writing as frequently as I have been – I’m super proud of myself! Having this baby laptop certainly helps quite a bit as well though, I must admit. And another thing I have to acknowledge: I haven’t posted a single log online since November, and by refraining from doing so, I’ve been so much more honest with myself and in my writing as a result which is so freeing! It’s like I know that I’m only talking to myself, so as a result I don’t have anything to hide and I get to sort through my honest thoughts and feelings with that much more transparency and clarity. 

When I do go back to posting these online, all I’ll do is filter out the parts that I’d like to remain personal or for my own eyes only. Not that there’s much I’d need to filter though, I’d like to believe that I’m a pretty open person for the most part!

Anyways, what’s been going on lately? 

Well, there’s officially only 4 days left until I leave to Aruba!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Holy crap, I can’t believe it!!! I’m so excited, my heart and soul is so excited, I can’t wait to feel the sun on my skin and the warmth of the salt water at the beach, and just… ahhhh, man. Nothing makes me happier than this. I actually feel weird when I don’t have some kind of trip on the horizon at this point, LMAO. Well, this is my first trip of my four intended countries! Who knows, maybe I can fit in some more. It’s a nice long year ahead of me so the possibilities are endless!!

I’ve got about three more shifts of work left before I head out, which means I’m going to have to pack soon and get monies and all that other stuff. I’ve got to make a list of things I need to do and need to pack so I don’t forget! But I’m off tomorrow, so that’ll give me some time to get organized at least. 

I guess that’s about it for today really! Anything I want to reiterate to myself before I go? 

Inner voice says: be patient and trust your process. Everything will unfold on the timing of the Universe, but trust that everything you aspire to or want for yourself, the Universe genuinely wants for you, too. That’s what manifestation is: it’s when the timing of what you want and what the Universe wants for you perfectly aligns and co-creation happens as a result. Do your part to maintain your faith and your vibration, meditate, write, ask for signs, commune with the unseen, and do your best to see the good in everything and everyone. Be fearless, and love hard. Don’t give up, and remember to listen to your innermost self for cues on when to act and how to act. The answers you seek can and will always be found within. 

Thanks inner voice! It’s nice to hear you again. 

Well, I’ve got about five minutes left of my break so I shall wrap this up and head back to the floor! I’ll find some time to write soon, and while I’m away I must make a point of writing logs into my phone for the time being until I return home, because I don’t think I’m going to bring bb laptop with me on my trip. Just saves some extra time and peace of mind while going through customs, if anything.

Until then!

Love always and in every way, 

Me.

Day 21, 22, 23 – January 21st, 22nd, & 23rd, 2020

Hello, hello! 

I haven’t written in a couple days even though I’ve had the time to, and I think I’m realizing what led to my lack of writing last year. 

I didn’t write until I desperately, absolutely, direly needed to write. And sometimes, when things got really busy, I didn’t really “feel” the need to write until weeks or sometimes months passed by, which is what led to my not writing much at all last year. Aha!

That is exactly what we’re not going to let happen this year around. This year, the most I’ll ever go without writing is 3 days, just like these past couple days hehe. Even when I don’t really feel the need to write, I must write!!! It’s the only way to cultivate this back into a habit. 

Another thing I’ve realized going through my old logs – every day, I gave myself a new reason to write. I would make each and every day as exciting as I could so that I could go home and be excited to write about a new exchange or a new lesson from a book, or a new realization that was important to me. That’s another thing I have to get back to! Maybe another way to incentivize me to write everyday, is to write a lesson or something important I’d like to reiterate to myself. 

I like that! These are all good ideas. Reading my old logs is like hearing the voice of a friend – it’s warm, familiar, and it makes me happy. Seeing the way I connected to my inner voice so easily and heard it so clearly gives me hope that I can hear it that way again with the work I’m doing and intend to do. 

So, what have I missed?

Well, I dyed my hair blue!!! It turned out to be more a teal-turquoise kind of colour with some shimmering hints of sapphire blue, but hey, I did always like how Kylie Jenner’s hair looked when she did that colour so why not! I feel super badass and I also really wanted to do something to channel my “fearless” alter-ego – especially with everything that’s going on these days. 

2020 started… in very strange and horrible ways, on the international front. Australia is basically on fire (there are serious bushfires that are ravaging pretty big parts of the country due to the intense heat of their summers and lack of rain), Iran and the US butted heads to the extent “World War 3” was trending on twitter, Iran consequently fear-bombed a plane that was filled with completely innocent passengers on their way back to Canada, and now there’s a terrifying “plague-like” virus in China that’s steadily infecting more and more people and inspiring a SARS-reminiscent fear among the masses despite the media’s not-so-effective attempts to curb public panic and terror. 

Sooo, yeah… end of days? 

Dark humour aside, these are some pretty scary headlines that we’ve been seeing lately. And I almost can’t help it – in an attempt to stay informed, I keep devouring these new headlines and articles and updates but, with that knowledge also comes… fear. 

There’s a part of me in my head that says, “hey, maybe ignorance really is bliss in some ways”, but I know that’s not really the case. A while ago, I was able to stay informed without becoming super involved in what I was informing myself about, and I’d very much like to return to that frame of mind.

What good does it do me to instill a sense of fear in myself regarding all of these things if they are out of my control? Now, I know that sounds selfish on some level, but what I mean is there’s no reason for me to start fearing everyone and everything because that doesn’t help anyone, including myself. Imagine, I start talking to a coworker and telling them everything I know with that urgent sense of fear in my voice, and then that fear becomes their fear and they start telling other people what I’ve told them with that same level of fear, and it just becomes an endless loop of fear and terror and sadness. 

It’s important to stay informed, yes. I’m not saying I’m going to bury my head in the sand and pretend all is okily-dokily, as Ned Flanders would say. (Truthfully I’d probably say it too, hehe). There just has to be some kind of healthy detachment or level of understanding, just to an extent where it doesn’t negatively affect your life, keep you up at night, or have you obsessively reading articles that have the exact same amount of information that’s just regurgitated with varying facts, numbers and further adjectives for the words “terrifying” or “deadly”. 

I can’t tell you how many articles I’ve read regarding this coronavirus only to know the exact same thing 10 different ways. I don’t even know if what I’m reading is true!!! I’ve maybe read about 5 different articles today, and every single one had different numbers regarding the amount of people infected or the amount of people who have died. I don’t know what’s true, but what I do know is that this is life. People die, people get sick, people suffer and humanity as a whole bears this burden because it’s just an inevitable part of being human. But, rather than fearing this and allowing fear to rule my life and be the undercurrent to all my decisions and actions, I can instead use this information to pre-emptively be more proactive about my health and be cautious on a rational basis, as I always am. 

I empathize with this situation, and I’m glad that I have access to certain resources that allow me to remain informed. But that’s it. No fear. Fear is not allowed to have a place in my life. 

It’s humbling to be reminded how fragile we really are. That fear shouldn’t be entertained in a bad way, but a good way. It should be used to remind us to be living life as fully, whole-heartedly and as of service as humanly possible. A smile to a stranger, holding the door for a passerby, kind words to a person who may need them – that’s what this fear of mortality should inspire us towards. Trying to make this life as meaningful and fulfilled as possible, whatever that may entail to you. 

To me, that’s travelling with the love of my life next week to a sunny, tropical destination and exploring all that island and its beautiful translucent turquoise waters have to offer, with no fear whatsoever and all the excitement I can possibly muster. To me, it’s looking fear dead in the eye and saying, “I understand you but I do not accept you” and letting go, in order to invite and allow courage and confidence a place to stay in my heart and soul. 

Every day, I must do what I can to reclaim and embody the girl who swam with sharks, who travelled to new countries alone, who made friends with strangers across the globe, who jumped off cliffs or boats into the deepest of waters, the girl who left her comfort zones to really fall in love with herself to make her life her own. The girl with purple, and now blue hair. And that’s me. 

Besides – if there’s anything that life has taught me, it’s that the Universe doesn’t hear what you don’t want. If you stay fixated on the things you fear, all it hears is the thing itself. Ergo, the more time and energy you spend focusing on the things you fear, the more likely you are to manifest said things into your life! It’s just how the Law of Attraction works. This is why your thoughts can quite literally shape your reality and why perception and mindfulness are so, so important!

So, I would rather focus on fun. I want to focus on gratitude, laughter, good company, my blessings, my writings, my book. I want to focus on love. I want to see everything and everyone through the lens of love, and not fear. 

How’s that for seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses, eh? Maybe there’s something to be said about that old phrase, after all. 

Such a good log! My heart is happy. I feel like I’m returning to my old ways of writing too, full of expression (and hyperbole? Lots of metaphors and alliterations, too. Man, I love an amazing alliteration. …see what I did there? Hehehe.)

I guess that’s about it for today! I worked today for a little, but I’m off again tomorrow. I love how much free time I’ve had this month, it’s been a much-needed break from work honestly. That place can get so toxic, especially with the fact that there’s not too much business going on so all anyone has to do there is just talk and talk and talk. And the topics of conversation usually involve other people so… yeah. It’s not that great of an environment to be in on a constant basis. I’m truly thankful for these days off. 

I do have to drop by for a bit to hand in some paperwork, but aside from that I’m a free agent! Maybe I can go somewhere else and get some work done on my book, spend some time on my own? I haven’t done that in a while, so it would be nice. 

Until tomorrow then!

Love always and in all the ways, 

Me.

Day 19 + 20 – January 19th & 20th, 2020

Well, I’ve officially started working on my book!!!! THIS IS MASSIVE!!! I just sat down and started organizing everything and going with my flow, trusting myself. I don’t really have a plan per se, but I’m going with my gut on this. I know everything I need to bring this to life is already at my fingertips; every lesson, every part of my story, I documented in the past three years of my life through my logs. My book is in the words I’ve already written – it’s been waiting for me to pull it out, bring it to life. 

I started off by just reading my old logs from 2017 and letting inspiration hit me from there, and it worked. It was so wonderful to hear the voice of my old self echoing in my head, the voice that began this journey into self-love with a yearning that I… I almost feel like I seemed to have forgotten. I know that as of late, I’ve gotten so caught up in the little details of this beautiful big picture, but I almost feel as though it’s time to write my book now because it’s time for me to remember everything I’ve learnt in these past couple years, and boy does it feel good. 

Hearing my voice in my head, seeing my own words reflected back at me, seeing the way I so easily accessed that inner voice of wisdom is rekindling a flame of hope and faith in my heart, a flame that I haven’t been feeding for a little while. Not only is it time for me to write this book and bring it to life, it’s also time for me to return to that path of self-love and remember everything I learnt, so that I can keep living in that truth. That’s not to say that I’ve been neglecting myself or backsliding into old habits and autopilot, but it’s not like I’ve been doing my utmost best to bring colour into each and every day with the utmost effort I can muster either. 

I don’t want the in-between of those two things – I want my technicolour, I want my boundless happiness and excitement for each day I’m given, I want to wake up and feel the endless ways I can manifest the best possible outcomes, and I want to live like this in every single moment that I find myself in. I want these things because I’ve experienced living like this before, not too long ago, and it’s about time that I get back to it. 

I’m so happy that I’m giving myself the opportunity to read my old logs, to write this book. I have a message, a message that I genuinely believe can help someone out there, somewhere. I owe it to myself and that someone, to get this done. I have everything in my power to make my dreams come true and bring this particular dream of mine to life. I don’t want to stand in my own way anymore – I want to run with myself into the freedom that comes with pursuing your deepest passions. 

This feels good. It feels right. And I’m going to keep going with this. No more autopilot, I can’t ever go back to that again. 

It’s time to start listening to my inner voice of wisdom again. The inner voice that seems to know exactly what to do, when to do it, what to say, and how to say it. It’s been a while since I’ve given her a voice to speak, but I miss her and I know she misses me too. 

Actually… hello, inner voice? Are you there? 

Hey!!!!! It’s so good to speak to you again, it’s been a really long time. Or at least, it seems that way doesn’t it? But the truth is, it hasn’t been long at all. 

I’ve always been here!!!! I’ve been right here, this whole time, in everything you’ve been doing. I’ve been watching you go through your life, trying to help you where I can, even at times when you didn’t know it or wasn’t aware of it. 

There will never be a time in your life when I won’t be there, or where you can’t access me. Whenever you decide to turn inwards and ask for help, ask for me, I promise you that you’ll always find the answers you are looking for and I promise you I’ll always be there for you. I am you!!!! Therefore, I will always love you, and I’ll always be right here guiding you. I’ve never been anywhere else. 

Do you remember, three years ago, when you started hearing me? It was a quiet whisper at first, a feeling. The same feeling that you call your “gut feeling”, your intuition. Then you started to listen harder, and I got louder, speaking more clearly to you and through you. 

When we work together, we create the life you and I both know you deserve. We can work hand in hand to generate the days that you long for, the happiness you so carefully cultivated and maintained like a precious garden. 

I’m here to tell you to have faith and know that whenever you are ready, whenever you need, I’m always going to be here to speak to you and act through you. Never forget that you have access to this infinite, boundless amount of love, energy and knowledge at any instance that you are willing to turn inwards. 

I am here. I’ve always been here. Welcome home. 

Wow. It’s been a while since I actually addressed my inner voice and let it speak freely. It’s been a while since I talked to me instead of just, talking. I don’t remember the last time I truly turned inwards, and listened to what I have to say, the inner me that’s been here all along. See what happens when you talk to yourself! Hahahaha. 

I felt this beautiful warmth come into my chest when I addressed my inner voice, and it was this warmth of pure love and familiarity. As if I just spoke to an old friend that I’ve been longing to reconnect with.

I’ve been living with fear and doubt for a little bit longer than I should of been lately, to the point that it suddenly feels like it has a say again in my head. But it doesn’t and it shouldn’t, because I don’t want to live a life where every decision I make, I consider my options through the lens of fear first. I want to choose love, and make my decisions in confidence and assuredness, the way I know I can and have before. The ultimate truth is that there is absolutely nothing to fear except fear itself, and that in itself is a choice that I no longer want to entertain. 

This is good! This is amazing. Baby steps end up becoming leaps and bounds and before you know it, you’re running. 

Until tomorrow then! I was off today, and I’m off for the next two days so I plan on getting plenty done. 

So much love, in so many different ways, 

Me.