Day 155 – June 14th, 2018

Hello! I’m finally home from work, all settled in, and I get to have a nice evening to myself because I finished rather early. So I suppose tonight shall be the night I finish catching up about the weekend that just past (just in time for the weekend that’s coming up – wow does time ever fly!)

Where was I, regarding last weekend? I think I left off after the party on Friday, how well it went. Right!

Okay so the next day, which was Saturday, we spent the morning together with his friend Mark, and us three ended up getting into a really deep discussion about life, travel, food, and so much more. I started talking about meditation, and that led to me talking about how I got to this point in my life where I’m so much more at peace, and how it all happened. By the end of it, the two of them were just staring at me, mesmerized LMAO. Mark was like, “I actually don’t know what to say… I feel like saying congratulations? I don’t know man.” It was funny. Adrian was cute, he was like, “this is what I’ve been experiencing with her since we’ve met.” It was actually pretty cool how in depth the conversation got. I’m so glad we were all able to talk like that though, and vibe at that level. More and more as time goes on, I find that I’m able to attract like-minded people into my life! It’s been incredible.

Anyways, after that I headed to work for a quick shift, and after work I met up with my cousins in downtown for a wild night – I went back to Bar 244 with them (I haven’t been back since I got super drunk about 3-4 years ago and puked on a TTC train going home, heh… not one of my finer nights and literally the last time I’ve ever thrown up from drinking since then). But it was so much fun – I forgot to cheap the drinks are there! We got shots, mixed drinks, had a little bit of a shatter bar (which was AWESOME), and then headed to the dance floor to get a little wild. It was ridiculously fun, we were legit howling of laughter at some points when these two creepy guys were trying to get at us despite Chase being there with us.

All in all, it was a fantastic night and I’m so glad we got to do that because with all of us going to different schools, all of us living so far from one another and just the sheer amount of us, it’s hard to coordinate plans sometimes. But it’s definitely going to be an amazing summer with them and I can’t wait.

And then lastly, on Sunday, Radha and I had plans to go to Cabana Pool Bar but instead, we decided to go somewhere near Scarborough Bluffs to this hidden little spot of beach so that we could have a picnic and meditate. I found this strain of weed that apparently works really well for meditation or spiritual matters, so we smoked a little bit of that and ended up getting into a super deep conversation and then an amazing meditation session afterwards. I actually witnessed her growth in the few short hours we were together, as I taught her more about what I’ve learnt in the past year and a half about re-wiring the ways in which you think and feel in order to be in the middle way.

We even lied down on the top of her car in the sun in the parking lot and just meditated there for a bit, regardless of how crazy we looked to everyone else LMAO. I love stuff like that though, and who cares what anyone thinks!

That’s how the weekend was! It was great, jam-packed full of amazing memories, good vibes and great people.

Let me talk about now though, this current present moment – how am I doing!

So, on Monday, I didn’t get a chance to mention the conversation I got into with Sera that ended up directly affecting my current state. Basically, we got into a discussion about health and eating healthier and being more fit, and I confessed to her that lately, I’ve been feeling sick and sluggish after my meals and I was well aware that I was treating my body poorly. I haven’t worked out as of late, and not to mention my sugar habits had gotten out of control. Which isn’t good at all because diabetes runs on either side of my family. I’d also noticed that in the past month or two, I’ve gained about twelve pounds.

I want to say I don’t care about how I look, but that’s a lie. But I can say honestly, I don’t want to be unhealthy. This body is the only thing I have harbouring my soul, my mind, my heart, my spirit and everything that makes me, me. I have so much left to do on this earth before I go and if I don’t start acting like it now, it’s going to end up hitting me later perhaps at a point that it’d be too late to reverse the damage.

I want to start treating my body the way I’ve nourished my mind and my soul for the past year and a half. I put so much effort into feeding both my mental state and spiritual state – it’s time to do the same for me physically too. I want to have energy that doesn’t stem from six teaspoons of sugar in my tea. I talked so much about self-love this past year and a half and forgot about the part where this body is only temporary. There’s treating yourself, yes, but there’s also moderation and I haven’t had much of that when it comes to my eating habits, as of late.

So from that day, I decided to cut out sugar for a while (and eventually reintroduce it in moderation and in healthier forms, such as through honey, or brown/coconut sugar) and I’ve been keeping track of what I’ve been eating through an app as well as how often I intend to work out.

It’s been nuts. Today was the third day of cutting out sugar and I started craving it like a fiend. I mean, I knew I always had a sweet tooth but I had no idea I had a problem, you know? But legit. I was, no, I am, addicted to sugar. I am admitting my addiction and my acceptance of this will lead to my recovery, heh. Anyways, Sera ended up having a solution for that too (an apple with just a tablespoon of peanut butter) and my craving subsided, bless her soul.

She even went through an entire list of foods I should start incorporating into my regular diet! Once I make eating healthy my norm, then I can introduce moderation into my life in terms of how I eat when I go out, or saying yes to a piece of chocolate or a bowl of ice cream now and then. But for now, cold turkey until I can learn discipline. And that, is the key word here.

I was talking about these changes to Adrian while we were on our way to the beach, and he talked about the difference between motivation and discipline to me. In his perspective, discipline is consistent motivation – motivation on its own is fleeting, a burst of inspiration and then just like that it’s gone. But discipline is constant, it’s constant effort until it becomes second nature.

And I know he knows what he’s talking about, especially since he’s lost so much weight himself. He’s like, the embodiment of discipline LOL. I’m glad he’s intending to help me out with this too by teaching me how to work out more efficiently, and Sera promised to do the same. She’s even planning on helping me come up with my own workout plan! I can’t wait. Honestly, I’m surrounded by so many resources when it comes to healthy living and I can’t believe I’m only just now making the most it! But there’s no better time like the now, so it’s all good.

So yeah, that’s my current focus right now. I’m meditating a lot more regularly so hopefully I’ll get back to that point that I was once at before when it comes to my discipline regarding meditation. And soon, the working out will become a discipline too.

I’m hoping that by integrating discipline into my life through all these different yet beneficial aspects, that it will branch over into other aspects of my life that could use some discipline, such as my spending habits. All in good time! I have all the time I need to bring about these changes, and put real effort into them.

Anyways, I believe that is all for tonight. It’s Thursday, which means there’s another weekend coming up and what I’ve got planned thus far is: Trevor is hosting a BBQ dinner at our house tomorrow (bless his soul and his ability to cook as well as he does – Olivia is a lucky bean), Saturday night I’m going out to hang out with Krystal and Chad again (to catch up all about their trip to Vienna and more) and Sunday my dad said he wants to take us all out for dinner, for father’s day. I’m not sure if that’ll actually be a thing, but we’ll see! Also, I work straight through the weekend until Tuesday but I’m sure the shifts will pass by in a breeze.

Here’s to constant self-improvement, and here’s to discipline!

Love always,

Me.

Day 153 + 154 – June 12th & 13th, 2018

Hello! Okay so, I’m just going to jump right into how incredibly amazing yesterday was, and then if I still feel alert and not sleepy afterwards, I’ll catch up on the rest of what happened over the weekend, even if it’s just briefly.

Yesterday was… mythic. It was magical, from start to finish.

We spent the entire day together. And right from the start, it was perfect. The drive down, we talked and listened to amazing music, (I love that he manages to keep his hand on my knee or entwined with my own hand always, no matter how long the drive). Once we got to the beach, we set up camp and spent the entire day just lounging on the beach in the hot summer sun, and attempting to swim (the water was FREEZING!). I swam anyways though, because ain’t no cold water stopping me from being the fish that I am!!! He called me crazy, but I could tell he appreciated my zest for life.

We laid out on the sand together, talking and cuddling the day away, basking in the heat and just enjoying each other’s company. At one point, as I was just gazing at him, I told him how happy I was that I met him. And he in turn told me that he was so happy that our paths crossed, and that we were in each other’s lives now. It was so sweet, I loved how he would just look at me happily and call me his “beautiful beach babe” or his “ray of sunshine”. I wore a red one-piece bathing suit so he said I looked like I’d walked right out of Baywatch, LOOL. He’s too cute.

After we had our fill of sun-bathing and splashing around in the water, we left around dusk and it was still early, so we headed out to a quiet lake that’s close to his area. It was absolutely stunning; it was such an incredible contrast from the sounds and sights of the beach, versus the golden-lit stillness that was the lake. It was completely silent, save for the call of some distant ducks. We found a little spot nestled into one of the edges of the lake, surrounded by trees and ways off from the rest of the trail, and perched on some fallen logs so that we could take in the beauty of it all as we soaked up the last rays of the setting sun.

At one point, he turned to me and asked me if he could ask me something. And he brought up something I’d texted him a couple days before – we had been talking about how nice it was to wake up beside one another, and I’d said: “somewhere in between being asleep and being awake” where I felt the warmth of his skin, was a magical place. So yesterday he asked me why I’d said that phrase exactly, if I had heard it anywhere. And I thought about it for a moment, but honestly I hadn’t heard it anywhere. It’s just something I felt, the only way I could describe it.

And then he told me that was he was about to tell me was really personal. Essentially, after his mom passed away five years ago, his aunts came over to help go through and sort through her things. And at one point, his youngest aunt called him upstairs, and she was bawling. She’d found an empty booklet full of blank pages in his mom’s drawer, and on one of the pages, there was only one thing written on it. It said: “somewhere in between being asleep and being awake… that is where I will always love you.”

When he said this, I immediately felt a rush of emotion upwards through my chest and into my throat. He continued to explain that no one knows why she wrote it, or for whom, or how it ended up there. It’s a mystery to this day, and he still has that paper.

I didn’t know what to say. All I could say was that, perhaps he was meant to hear those words again, and he agreed. And we sat there for a little while, in the silence. Everything was lit up a brilliant gold due to the last rays of the setting sun, almost as if we were in that in-between place at that moment. I held onto him, and willed with all my might that he could feel how much I was there for him, and with him, despite the fact that neither of us were saying anything. And in that moment, it was almost as though I could feel what he was feeling. It felt like a hand was squeezing my heart – I knew it wasn’t my pain, but I felt it anyways. I could feel an ache in my chest that didn’t belong to me.

After a while, he changed the topic and we went back to our light-hearted conversation. But man… it was an incredible powerful moment. The intangible became tangible. It was a synchronicity unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed or experienced. How do you explain something like that? You don’t. You just… let it be what it is.

We ended up getting some ice cream, and we talked and joked around to the point that I was legit crying from laughter. And, we found out we have more things in common! It’s getting to a point where it’s slightly ridiculous now, LOL. Still, what can you do.

But, I like that as similar as we are, we do have our differences too and those differences are strengths. He’s going to teach me how to work out properly, to be more fit and to take care of my health, and I in turn am going to teach him how to meditate so that’s something he can do for himself always, and learn to be still. I like that our differences are going to help us grow, both together and individually too.

Before I finish this up – I ended up messaging him last night before I went to sleep to let him know that I’ll always be there for him if he ever wants to talk about his mom, or anything else for that matter. I’ll be there for him to lean on, or to sit with him in silence, or whatever else he needed. And I thanked him sincerely for sharing what he did with me, because I knew it wasn’t easy for him. I was truly honoured.

He thanked me for listening, and understood that he heard those words because he was meant to again, and that they’d brought to the forefront things he hadn’t thought about in a while.

Honestly… I can’t begin to explain why I said those words the way I did. That “in-between” state of being half-asleep and half-awake, it’s a place full of magic. It’s where I automatically seek his warmth, the place where I snuggle up as close as I humanly can, the place where he pulls me closer with this gorgeous sleepy-happy smile on his face. It’s that moment where I feel the closest to him, not just physically but on every level.

I’m happy it’s almost as though she spoke to him, through me. Those who have passed on never really quite leave us, do they? I know she’s still watching over him, as closely as she always did, right there with him every step of the way. And as much pain there is in his heart over her loss, I hope I can fill that place with as much happiness as I can, in every moment that we spend together. I just want him to be happy. He deserves nothing less than a full, complete, effortless and unquestionable happiness, in every way.

I know what this all means. I can barely say it to myself, but I know how I feel. I can’t even begin to believe it or fathom it or wonder how it happened or when it happened, all I know is that it is what it is. And I’ll know when the right moment to say it all, will be. But not now. For now, we have this. We have these moments.

We’ll see what’s meant to be. I’ve never experienced anything that’s felt this right before.

Anyways, that’s all for tonight! I’ve got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow because we have a massive event for my company. Hopefully it breezes by and I can finish up writing about the weekend tomorrow!

But before I go.

Universe – I know I am a small speck of energy in this crazy thing we call life. But thank you, thank you endlessly, for every blessing I’ve received, every skip of my heartbeat, every breath-taking moment, every smile, every laugh, even every tear. I am so completely and utterly grateful. I am humbled. Thank you.

Love, love, love, love always, and in all ways,

Me.

Day 152 – June 11th, 2018

Hello! Olivia took her laptop so I’m way too lazy to continue catching up about this past weekend here on my phone. So for today, it’ll just be a short quick log.

So this morning, Adrian asked if I was off tomorrow, and I said I was and asked why. And he was like: “it’s going to be a beautiful day tomorrow – I was wondering if you wanted to… find a beach to go to 🙂 spend the day in the sun!”

Legit, my heart did whole cartwheels at this text LMAO. I remembered the days last year when I wrote down my list of core four values I wanted my future partner to embody, and “spontaneity and adventurousness” was right at the top of the list.

Actually, come to think of it, Adrian embodies all four of the values I wrote down: adventurousness (being able to laugh at life and have fun), compassion (genuine kindness and sincerity), independence (have their own interests, hobbies, life, friends etc) and lastly, affectionateness (reciprocity for intimacy, of all kinds).

Who would have thought? Is it possible I manifested this person into my life? Perhaps. I truly do believe in the Law of Attraction. And I never thought I’d ever meet someone who embodied all four of these core values but… I did. I made a contract with myself that I wouldn’t for settle for anything less or compromise on those values, and now I’m with someone who encompasses all four, and surpasses even that which I could have ever imagined for myself.

Anyways, I digress. I’m just, so incredibly thankful and happy. I’ve always wanted to be with someone like this – someone who’ll spontaneously plan beach days, someone always ready to adventure and live life to the fullest with me, but also someone who’s down to spend all day in bed with me too. Someone who showers me with affection and real intimacy on a constant basis, someone who’s not afraid to be expressive and open and communicative with me. I never thought I could have this, so I always settled for less. But no more.

I get it now. When you truly love yourself, when you really look inwards to combat your demons, your insecurities and deepest fears, when you decide you no longer want to carry the baggage of your past around with you or pass it off for someone else to carry, when you no longer entertain old thought processes or negative habits, when you put in work to rewire neural pathways that do not benefit you or allow you to grow, and most of all when you decide to truly stop settling for anything less than what you deserve – you can actually have it all. You really can. Faith and trust in the process all along the way, can bring you to this point.

Everything I’ve experienced in this past year and a half alone is direct proof of this. And even now, I have ways to go and so, so much more to learn. I’ve only just skimmed the first couple pages of this massive tome that is self-discovery and growth.

This whole thing, it’s still really “early” – I’m still getting to know Adrian, and as amazing as this surface impression has been so far, I know there’s still so much depth to him I’ve yet to learn about. I’m looking forward to it all. No matter what happens, nothing can take away from what I’ve learnt in this, thus far.

I’m happy. No, actually… I’m at peace.

So, Thank you Universe. Thank you. I am so unbelievably grateful for all of this, for everything I’ve learnt, for all the love I have for myself and all the love I have in my life, for this beautiful, miraculous and incredible present that I am here in, right now, right this second. Thank you.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 159, 160, 161 – June 8th, 9th, & 10th, 2018

I dun fucked up. LOLOLOLOL, kidding, kidding. Man, I was doing so well though. BUT, BUT – legit, this weekend was jam-packed to the point of not being able to find a single moment to write, actually.

So, this past weekend!

Friday, I had an early shift that breezed by, but it was what happened during the shift that was interesting.

Sometime in the morning, Adrian finally got back to me and my texts about not going to the party, and this is what he said in response: “First, let me say how much I appreciate that. It means a lot knowing that you’ve clearly thought about it, and my feelings, it’s so heart-warming. Having said that, it’s neither an imposition nor is it uncomfortable. I can guarantee that I’d have a better time if you were there… both at the party, and afterwards ;). Now, it’s obviously your decision – and if you think it’s better you don’t, then I respect you and your decision always and I’ll have a good time, but a great one if you’re there. So lowkey, I do hope you totally change your mind.”

I read the text, but the nervous feeling still wasn’t going away! All I could think about was the way he was when he initially told me about how we’d have to act. But then Radha called, and told me that I definitely should come – apparently that morning when she’d gotten into work, the first thing Adrian did when he got in as well was ask why I wasn’t coming, and ask Radha if she could talk to me and convince me to come. She even mentioned that he seemed really sad about my decision too.

So, as uncomfortable as I was with the idea of not really knowing what I was walking into, I decided I’d go anyways.

After work, I went to dinner with Leila and Shada in Scarborough, which was so, so much fun! Shada still has that same energy, that bright and sparkly vibration that’s all good and all light. It was amazing to be able to catch up with her and hear about what’s been going on with her life, and all the important aspects that comprise it now. It was definitely good vibes the whole way through.

Once dinner came to an end, I hopped on a bus and headed over to Richmond Hill. Once I got to the party, Radha met me outside and like, pep-talked me up a bit (LOL I love her). And then she brought me inside and started introducing me to everyone, one by one.

I could see Adrian further off in the backyard with a big group of his friends and also his brother and his brother’s fiancée, which immediately made me so much more nervous LMAO. But before Radha could draw me over to his group, his brother left and I didn’t get to meet him this time (which is totally okay).

Eventually, I made my way over with Radha to Adrian and his friends and said hi to everyone, including him, and he seemed so, so happy to see me (but also in a lowkey way). When he hugged me hello, I could feel him struggling not to linger and I myself had to pull away too.

The rest of the night went better than perfect – I was my confident, easy-going and easy-to-talk-to self and people ended up approaching me to strike up conversations that actually ended up leading to really cool topics. And even though I was talking with other people and mingling, Adrian still couldn’t resist being a gentleman and coming by me to ask if I wanted a drink.

And after that, he ended up staying by my side for most of the night (much to my delight and surprise). He made sure to keep a friendly distance, but that distance still didn’t stop him from quietly whispering to me how beautiful I looked or gazing at me with that starry-eyed look I love so much. I had to keep looking away so that we could stay lowkey! LOL. There was this one point that he was getting up to get food and as he was asking me if I wanted anything, he put his hand on my thigh as though it were second nature, before either of us realized what he was doing. It was so sweet though, to see that it wasn’t just me who was trying to hold back. He looked soooooooo freaking good, and I so badly wanted to be able to touch him too. To be honest though, it was kind of fun having to stay lowkey. It definitely built up some… good kind of tension, for later hehe.

His closest friends who do know about me, I got to hang out with them more and get to know them. We all roasted marshmallows together around a fire pit, and I met yet another one of Adrian’s closest friends named Lucas. Honestly, each and every one of Adrian’s friends, I can see how and why they all get along so well altogether as a whole, despite all of their differences. It was like watching a family, you could just see and feel the closeness without it being displayed blatantly.

The night couldn’t have gone more perfect. At the end, I left with Radha, Adrian and a bunch of his friends who were also crashing at his place so it wasn’t a problem leaving the way I thought it’d be originally. And he lives really close by, so we all walked together back to his place and Adrian couldn’t resist holding my hand and pulling me close to give me a few quick kisses as his friends walked ahead.

But man, once we got in and everyone went their separate ways, and I finally got him to myself… all I’m going to say is, that first kiss, I could feel right down to the very tips of my fingers and toes. It was… intense, to say the least. We both agreed it was a lot harder than we’d thought it’d be to stay so lowkey.

Later on when we were just cuddling and I was lying against his chest, I finally asked him why he asked me the way he did, all nervous and guarded. And he explained that it had nothing to do with him feeling uncomfortable – he asked me the way he did because he genuinely felt so bad about having to ask that of me at all. He explained to me that he thought it was such a rude thing to ask, especially when the last thing he wanted to do was hide from everyone how much he really likes me.

I could feel my heart melting into a puddle at this. I told him that for future reference, I’m usually a very understanding person and he never has to be afraid or nervous to talk to me about stuff like that. I understood why he had to ask that of me, completely.

I also told him that I really like him too, and that I hoped he knew that.

He smiled at me and said he did, that he could both see and feel the way I felt about him, which made me happy.

Yay for constructive, open and beautiful communication!!!!

Anyways, it’s getting late now and I must head to bed. I’ll finish writing about the rest of this past weekend tomorrow after work! I’m so looking forward to tomorrow’s shift – all my faves are in, and all the big cats are away, which means the mice (i.e. me and my faves) will get to play (and take long ass breaks and chill on the floor). I can’t wait!

I don’t have as many crazy plans for this week (thank goodness) which is just as well because I think it’s time I take a little break and just relax for a little. I’ve legitimately spent every day of the last two weeks being out and about and spending time with other people, (aaaaaall the peoples), so it’s about time I take a day or two in between work to just chill with me.

No complaints though! This summer has been ridiculously fun so far and I’ve loved every moment I’ve spent with each and every person I have in the past two weeks. I don’t know how I did it but I managed to make plans on a back-to-back scale without getting mentally or emotionally exhausted. Go me! I’m glad I got back to meditation now too though, I’m sure that’s also been helping a lot.

Well, here’s to another amazing week of life! Looking forward to all it has in store as we move forward into the midst of June.

Love always,

Me.

Day 158 – June 7th, 2018

Hi, hi!

Thus concludes my series of days’ off from work, alas. Tomorrow, I return back to the department. Of course, I love work and I love seeing my coworkers so I’m not complaining per se, but man these days off have been so, so nice.

I’ll write about last night, and then I’ll talk about today!

So, last night – if I had to come up with my idea of an absolutely perfect date night, right down to the smallest of details, it would have been last night. It was so me, everything I love, and more than I could have imagined.

We basically road-tripped out to where the drive-in movie theatre was because it was ways off, but we listened to the Kaleo album and it was the perfect touch. And if our conversation during was merely a preview of what our future road-trip conversations would be like? Then, boy am I ever happy. We even got to the point where we were trying to figure out what I would name my a male or female giraffe if I were to ever have one as a pet in some imaginary world where something like that would be possible, LMAO. Sigh.

Once we got to the drive-in, both of us were so, so excited. Neither of us have ever done anything like that before, so it was both our first times.

He’d packed a warm and cozy blanket, and once we found the perfect spot, he reverse-parked so that we could get nice and cuddly in his super spacious trunk space. We’d even stopped earlier to pick up a ton of snacks too, so he set up the back with the blanket, the snacks, and of course, a little weed (legit, perfect date night for me).

It was amazing – we watched Deadpool 2, all warm and cuddled up together under the blanket, smoked a little bit and munched on the yummy snacks as night fell and the stars came out. It legit felt like were in the Grease movie scene with the drive-in movie theatre.

There was a double feature though, so during intermission we drove to the closest McDonald’s to get some more munchie foods. And funny enough, he orders the EXACT SAME WAY that I order whenever I go to McDonald’s – I can never choose between a McDouble or a Junior Chicken, so I always get both to satiate the craving for either. And he orders the exact same goddamn things, LMAO. When we both realized that, we both kind of just stared at each other and laughed, because what else can we do at this point?!

We’re still taking the words out of each other’s mouths before the other speaks, still basically reading each other’s minds, and at every instance it happens, it’s still mind-boggling at how in sync we are and how much we have in common.

And there’s these moments I love, most of all – moments where time stops, briefly, where he’s just gazing at me with that gorgeous smile of his, and I can’t help but smile back and look away.

Throughout the whole night, he kept telling me how happy he was to be there with me, happy that we did this together, happy that he got to see me. You know how nice it is to have that for once? Someone who’s happy to tell you how happy they are to be in your presence? I’ve felt more valued and cared for in two months of seeing this person than I did in the past six years of relationships I’ve been in with two different people.

After the reading from the day before, I’m so much less afraid of this. I’m just… certain. I know how I feel. And with that, now all I have to do is wait. I’ve had a year and a half to come to terms with where I am, to love myself and to be on my own. He hasn’t had that same luxury or time, but the universe brought me into his life anyways. So, however long it takes for him to come to terms with this and with me, I’ll be right here waiting for him. And, it doesn’t even feel like waiting because he respects me, adores me, lavishes me with affection and kisses and communication, and makes a real effort to spend time with me. That’s all I need. I’m happy. Effortlessly and effervescently happy.

One thing I should mention that occurred during the date though! So earlier on in the week, Radha invited me to a surprise party that she and her coworkers were having for Simone, one of Radha’s close friends that I’d met a week or two ago when we spontaneously went on a road trip. And I was so down to go, especially since I genuinely enjoyed meeting Simone, and also because I was looking forward to meeting the rest of Radha’s coworkers as well. Not to mention, it looked like Adrian would be there too, and any opportunity to see him I’ll definitely take, of course.

When I brought it up last night that I was thinking of going, he seemed pretty cool with it at first. But then a couple hours later, he suddenly got really, really nervous and told me he had to talk to me about something. And he legit seemed like he was preparing himself for a bomb explosion, his stance suddenly became really guarded. He mentioned how it wasn’t just his coworkers who were going to be there, but friends as well, friends who also knew his ex-girlfriend. Which meant that if I went, he and I would have to be strictly friendly around each other; “professional” was the word he used.

At this point, I would like to point out to myself how far I’ve truly come from the person I used to be versus the person I am now, in the way that I reacted to this: I immediately calmed him down, told him not to worry, and said it was totally okay if that was the case. I wasn’t even the slightest bit offended, nor did I take it personally in any way, shape or form. In fact, I was actually kind of touched by how much he hated to tell me that; I could tell it wasn’t easy for him to ask that of me. And more than anything, I appreciated his transparency with me because it was clearly very, very difficult for him to get that out.

I didn’t even need to ask why. I get it – we’re not official, and it’s still really, really early. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be answering questions about time-frames (since he literally just got out of that relationship), and the people who are attending this party are all people in his life. Radha invited me on her terms, but technically, this is his turf, this is his part of his life. Friends and coworkers alike.

He looked relieved by my reaction, but explained that he’d have to warn his closest friends who do know about us to not be obvious or say anything about it.

So I did some reflecting on it today. I realized that in order to go home with him later if I were to crash, it’d take some serious lowkey manoeuvering in order to leave with him without provoking any questions. Not to mention, I’d have to make sure to stay with Radha, and if she happened to leave early, who would I end up gravitating towards?

I realized that I didn’t want to put him in that position. Not only that, but I didn’t want to put me in that position either. I’m not saying I would have been uncomfortable myself because I’m a naturally easy-going person and I get along with most people, regardless of where I am or who I’m with. But… I want to meet those people in his life, on his terms, when he’s ready.

I realized the difference today – in my case, I was more than happy to have him meet pretty much everyone in my department. It got to the point where he’d be about to leave and someone would walk in and I’d be like, “wait, wait, one more person I swear!!!!” I was so elated to have him there. But in my case, I’ve had a year and a half of time to introduce someone new into every aspect of my life. It’s not the same for him.

Like I told him about a month ago when we went on our High Park date – I’m in no rush, I’m really not. I’m more than happy with the way that things are unfolding and progressing in these moments, at this pace.

I care about him so much, and the last thing I would want is for him to feel the slightest bit uncomfortable at a party with his own friends and coworkers, you know? It’s not worth it and I can meet them some other time, when he’s good and ready for it.

So I let him know today. I’m still waiting on a reply because I just sent him that text and it’s hella late at night. I’m hoping he’ll see where I’m coming from, but we’ll see! Regardless of how in sync we are, it’s definitely not going to be all roses and daisies, especially as we try to navigate and figure out what we mean to each other and how we feel about each other as these days go on. I’m looking forward to every little bit of it though, no matter what it may entail.

I’m so incredibly proud of myself. Old me would have immediately been hurt, immediately defensive. New me? Calm. Non-reactive. Understanding. I’m so, so happy, and so proud of how far I’ve come and who I am today. I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself more than I do now and I know it’s only going to get deeper as time goes on.

I’m curious about him now though. Why was he acting like he was bracing himself for me to lose all of my shit, or snap, or react any differently than how I actually did? Hmm. I wonder if that stemmed from his past relationship with his ex. In the two months we’ve been seeing each other, I’ve never seen him get that uncomfortable before! It was interesting.

Maybe I’ll ask him next time I see him. It’s so cool to learn about a new person, their habits or how they enter new situations with old mind frames.

Anyways, that’s the gist of yesterday! Onto today.

Today was a heck of a lot of fun, as it normally is when Avery and I hang out. We did an errands day – he came all the way from Brampton to pick me up and we went shopping at IKEA so he could get some stuff he needs for his bedroom. And I myself ended up picking out a few neat pieces for my house! I legit love IKEA, it’s so much fun – I did the whole “paper and pencil” thing where you note what you need and where you can find it, to complete the whole experience of course.

After IKEA, we went back to his house in order to drop off all the stuff and today ended up being the first time in our near-seven years of friendship that I’ve actually ever gone in his house before, LMAO. It was really nice! The renovations are coming along nicely, and I was looking forward to helping.

But before we got to that, we took Kyro for a walk and ooooooomg, I can’t even begin to explain how happy it made me to walk him with his leash and run around with him. I WANT. A DOG. MORE. THAN ANYTHING. IN THIS LIFE. AHHHHHHHH.

After the awesome walk, we decided to go get food and went to an AYCE sushi place close to his house. And as we stuffed our faces, we ended up in some great conversation as per usual. One thing I love about Avery – it legit doesn’t matter how long we go without seeing each other, or how long we go without talking even, but when we hang out or when we do end up messaging, it’s always the same. The vibe never changes. It’s always effortless and easy. And we always end up having really good in-depth conversations, never just small-talk. We give room for each other to talk about what’s going on in our lives, openly and earnestly. And then the topics get bigger and bigger and more thought-provoking. After all these years, it’s safe to say that our friendship will always be strong. He’s one friend I know for sure I don’t have to fight to keep in my life because after everything we’ve been through and how easy it still is after all this time, he’s not going anywhere and neither am I.

After we were stuffed to the point of no return, he drove me all the way back home and promised to let me know if I could assist in further reno-plans, which I would absolutely love to help with.

All in all, it’s been a great day and an amazing week! It’s funny how the weekend to me means back to work, and for the rest of the world the weekend is the weekend, LOL. To me, Friday is the equivalent of Monday. But it’ll be nice to see everyone again, so no complaints from me! Plus, it’s looking to be a great weekend either way – tomorrow I’m meeting up with Leila and Shada for dinner, Saturday night after work the cousins are meeting me and Olivia in downtown for a night of shenanigans, and Sunday I’m off again! I can’t believe how much of a social butterfly I’ve been in the past two weeks but honestly, I’ve been enjoying it so much. In these two weeks I’ve managed to spend time with almost everyone I care about in some form or shape, literally day after day! And it just shows me how lucky I am to have the people I do, in my life. I’m truly blessed.

Well, that’s all for today! I’m so glad I’ve been writing every day, even if it is just a couple sentences sometimes LOL. Better than nothing!

Here’s to what’s shaping out to be an amazing month thus far!

Love always,

Me.

Day 157 – June 6th, 2018

Hello! Super short quick log before I fall asleep.

Today was the perfect date night with Adrian. Like… beyond perfect. We went to a drive-in movie theatre and because he has a Jeep, we brought a blanket and cuddled up in his trunk space as if we were in some cheesy Tumblr post LOL.

I’ll go into more detail tomorrow! I just wanted to remember how present I was in those moments. How happy. Content. And oh, how beautiful the stars were.

Sigh.

Love always,

Me.

Day 156 – June 5th, 2018

Wow. Wow.

Okay so, my reading was… incredible. And it was exactly what the lady who read my palm said too, word for word. I received signs in twos, as I normally do… but these signs are massive. Can I let my ego-self and logic-self go and truly believe in what the universe is saying to me? Is my destiny different than what I’ve been told, or am I only asking that because I’m scared to believe in what has been conveyed to me?

I’m going to transcribe my reading word for word here, in case I ever lose the recording. Funny enough though… half of it didn’t record, the half that was very, very important. Almost as if it was just meant for me. But, I’m still going to write down what I remember of it here.

So, she started off by asking me if I wanted to know good AND bad, or just good. She explained that the “bad” in our destiny cannot be changed and is unavoidable, but that that’s not a reason to panic or fret. And a part of me was actually so tempted to just know so that I could perhaps be prepared. But maybe I wasn’t meant to. What if I knew of the bad and instead of letting it be what it was, I tried to prevent it somehow, tried to alter my destiny?

I believe that when you try to fight against what is written, when you try to fight against your destiny (no matter what it is), you are no longer in alignment with yourself, or the universe. I believe that that’s when life begins to lose its colour. As humans, I believe that we are incapable of allowing life to be exactly what it is without labelling our experiences as “bad” or “good” or “sad” or whatever else. We are not programmed to allow things to happen as they do. I don’t even believe in free will anymore because I believe that all of our “choices” are written as well, are destined. Free will is a human construct designed to comfort us into believing that we have a hand in what happens to us, that we create our destinies. It’s a construct that we developed in order to believe that we have some kind of power in this universe, that we are above fate and beyond destiny. But it’s not a bad thing to not have free will!!!! And, it doesn’t mean that we don’t have responsibility for our choices. In fact, when you instead simply surrender to this notion that absolutely nothing is random and everything is predetermined, you can be absolutely sure that whatever is meant for you will come, and in that sense it doesn’t make sense to not have faith in what’s meant for you, and there’s no sense in indecisiveness because whatever choice you ultimately make, will be the “right” one for you. Like, imagine you’re struggling to make a decision. You’re worried that there is a right one and wrong one. But there is no right or wrong decision. The more you try to fight against the idea that it’s all pre-determined, the more struggle you create for yourself. Consequently, if you are even slightly in tune with yourself and your intuition, you’ll end up making the decision (not the right one, not the wrong one), the decision that will bring you one step closer to the destiny that was already written in the stars for you by the universe that you are of, that is you. Ya dig?

Yes, I am high right now.

Anyways, I digressed. Back to the reading.

Before I could answer, she decided it was best if we just focused on me, and focused on the good.

She started off by saying I have lots of worries, and that the worries surround me. (Family, mostly, I’m sure). But, my life is “happy, joyful, and beautiful” right now.

She then said “I see a huge big heart for you. You’re in love, and someone is loving you, very, very much. I can see that you and him, you will be having a life together, for ever and ever. Yep.”

LMFAO. Already at this point, I’m pretty much sitting there with my mouth almost fully open like “wtf”. But then it got even more… mind-boggling.

She said, “you know him, he’s in your life, that’s what I’m seeing. And I do see that you both are very happy together. This is not someone who’s an old, old, old boyfriend – this is someone that is a new boyfriend. I have to mention that, because I see that some time ago, somebody else was in your life. And suddenly, this one came, and swept you off your feet, changed your life and makes you so happy. I love this man! I wish I could meet someone like this too.”

I’m pretty sure if my jaw could actually hit the floor like how it happens in cartoons, it definitely would have. I know for sure it probably looked like my eyes were about to pop out of my head, that’s for sure.

She continued, “He’s a really nice person. He’s in the middle of something right now, either an important job change or something to do with his career. He’s going to be a very successful person though, so there’s nothing to worry about here.”

(A couple weeks ago, he actually told me he was in the midst of looking for another job, a more full-time stable job with more hours and stuff. He’d actually sent in his resume to a couple places around that time too).

“Is he doing something to do with a program? He’s either taking something, or completing something. It has something to do with programs of some kind.”

Me: “He’s in the midst of two jobs actually – he’s does commentary for soccer games and-”

Her: “Yes, he’s in a sports related field right now, that’s what I keep seeing. Oh and, he works at a gym also.”

(Me inside my head; HOW THE HELL DID SHE KNOW THAT)

Her: “That’s what it is. So those programs there, that’s what he has to keep up with all the time.”

She then moved onto my past, about my exes:

“Your ex, he’s going to try and make his way back to you. Actually, he asked already – did he ask already? And you said no?”

Me: “Yeah, I did.”

Her: “You know what, this guy wasn’t a bad person. But he didn’t know how to be in a relationship. You know, sometimes people say stuff like, “oh, I love you.” But they don’t know what relationships really are! And I can see, that this person definitely did not know. He really isn’t a bad person, but he’s not going to make you happy either.”

(Back to Adrian) “You want someone like him – someone down to earth, someone really nice, someone really good, and he wants to keep you forever. That’s what I can see in his mind. Has he told you this already?”

Me: “No, not yet. It’s very new. Very new, heh.”

Her: “Very new, that’s what I’m seeing too. It’s definitely not been years and years, it’s new and fresh. It’s so nice though. It’s very passionate, and it’s exciting.”

She then started getting more in depth about Adrian, which was actually pretty interesting. It’s almost as though it was as much his reading as it was mine, if that makes sense… anyways, this is what she said about him:

“I can see that someone in his family, (and you’re going to hear about this too), a man, has some serious health issues. Is there someone he’s already told you about that had serious health issues in his family?”

Me: “Well, his mom passed away from cancer about five years ago…”

Her: “Yes. Yes. That was years ago though. This is someone else, someone else is also going to die. But not yet.”

(Me, in my head: Oh my dear lord.)

Her (continuing on about his mom): “He still has pain in his heart. When your mother goes, it’s not something you want to deal with, and the pain never goes away. It’s always there. It’s unbelievable but it’s true. Moms are special. Cherish your mom. She’s a really nice lady. And you do love her.”

She then mentioned that she sees a move coming up, a move having to do with my mom. I wondered if maybe this was about the condo that we recently invested in, or the conversation we recently had about how we all want to move out of this house and away from my father. This is what she said about that:

Her: “Do you live with your mom?”

Me: “I do.”

Her: “Yeah, that’s what I see. A move coming. Or maybe… with your boyfriend, later on. If, you want to. But that’s too soon. Don’t. Wait at least a year. Then, any time after that.”

She then talked about my current job:

“Your work right now, that you currently do. You like it. At first, you didn’t like it very much. But now, you love it. You are happy.”

And she was right – when I was working for the company directly, I hated it but loved the industry. Now that I’m a demo, I’m so much happier with my job, especially since I don’t have all the responsibilities that I had before when I was once an associate.

She then out of the blue mentioned that about 5 or 6 months ago, something happened, and I was still carrying a little bit of that sadness with me.

Her: “Five or six months ago, something has happened in your life, and you still carry a little sadness. Did you break up with someone? Your ex, at this time?”

Me, (not quite catching on yet): “Five months ago… well-”

Her: “No, you broke up with your ex much longer ago than that.”

Me: “Yeah! I broke up with my ex at the beginning of the year last year, at the very beginning of 2017.”

Her: “Five months ago though… oh! It’s through a friend. I see a friend here, someone who is very nice, and that person I do see also broke your heart.”

Me, (realizing it was about Luna, and what happened during Christmas): “Yeah… yeah, she did.”

Her: “Yes. It’s a friend. Not an ex. Do you still not talk to her?”

Me: “Not really… a little bit, but not too much. I’m not sure if I trust her completely yet.”

Her: “She’s not a bad person. But, she can’t keep a secret.”

Me: *laughing a little* “Yep, that sounds like her.”

Her: “Sometimes, not everyone is the same. People are different. Maybe I can keep a secret, but you can’t. It’s just people’s nature.”

She then offered me some advice that I feel is going to pertain to my current relationship with Adrian, moving onwards:

“When it comes to your life, this is my advice to you. Never, ever, ever share what’s going on in your life between you and your boyfriend or husband with anyone else. Never share any of that with anyone. Even if they ask you. You just say, “I don’t want to talk about it”. Simple as that. “My personal life belongs to me.” Because, every time that something comes out about it, people have different ideas about it, and it’ll make you confused in your relationship. The idea that “this is too fast” or anything like that – don’t listen to what anyone says.”

She continued onwards about other aspects in my life. Such as:

“You have a trip coming up. Where are you going? I think you’re going on this trip with a girl, and another girl. A couple of girls, both of these girls are young and beautiful, and all of you will be travelling together. Where are you going? You know already?”

Me (thinking of how Luna recently asked me about her and Lana tagging along with me to England possibly if I visit Olivia in August, but how all of this is up in the air and not likely): “No, I don’t think so…”

Her: “It’s going to be in the month of August or September. It’s going to be a sudden decision, but it’s a very joyful and very pleasant trip, and also safe. I don’t see any problems.”

(Funny enough, not only did Luna ask me if she and Lana could tag along with me to England in August, she also recently asked me if I could come along with her to Iceland in September… Hmm, I wonder what’s meant to be!)

She then brought up the fact that I’d been in an accident, years ago (at this point, I’m no longer as surprised by what she knows but taking it all in stride as much as I can. It was still mind-boggling though):

Her: “Since you’ve had your accident… you had an accident a couple years ago?”

Me: “Yeah, 2013 I believe.”

Her: “Time to time, you feel something here and there… pains. Pay attention and always look into it, and do something about it. You did settle with the accident, you signed papers and got a little money out of it but… you didn’t get a lot. You should have gotten more. You didn’t get enough. Because it’s your life, right? But, perhaps because you’re young.”

(Yeah. Her insurance covered my physio, and man the documentation I had to do for just that. It’s all good though!)

She then mentioned that there’s some kind of celebration coming up, possibly within my family. Someone is going to celebrate something like an engagement, not a wedding, but definitely something worth celebrating.

After that, she started talking about my long-term career goals.

Her: “More or less, you’re going to stay in the same industry. I don’t see a major change coming. You’re going to stay in this field. But… have you decided already?”

Me: “No, see, I don’t know, I’m in the midst of my psychology program, and I do love psychology, I love working with people. But, for the past seven years since I started university, I’ve dropped out, I’ve gone back… I don’t know if what I want is to stay and graduate or…”

Her: “Yes. Stay and graduate. I do see the same industry that you have been in. You should stay because there will be success and more money for you. You’re going to like it! You’re going to love to see people, talk to these people, and I see that you will always be joyful and happy. Don’t change it! Don’t change it. Because you still have a year or two to go, since you haven’t been working towards it, it’s been a couple of years. So, go back, finish it, and you’re going to see that you’re going to be successful with it. Trust me. You chose the right thing for you. Somehow, something that has happened during that school time or during that school year that you started, you changed your mind suddenly. You wanted it so much with all of your heart, and then suddenly when you walked in and you started, you wanted to run away. No, don’t do that! This is so powerful. And you know, you’ll see, in the future, you will see the results and you’re going to be so happy. You’re not going to doubt it, you’re not going to have any questions. And you’re going to be successful. You could do a private business, or work in places, or work with other people together… but, I definitely see a good, bright, shiny future for you.”

She then referred to my current job:

Her: “You could work here also. But, this isn’t a career for life.” And I agreed.

She said that I get back pain from time to time, and that it stems from my job. We talked a little bit about my health, and she warned me to stay conscious about my weight (which is such a funny coincidence since I have been concerned about it as of late, and just yesterday I got back to the gym with Olivia after months of not going. Guess I’m on the right track!)

She then went back to the current state of my heart and its affairs:

Her: “You know, your heart, you know how happy it is right now? I can’t even begin to tell you. It’s so joyful, and so good. And this guy, I see him in your life – he’s the best, ever. From all the people you knew. I know you didn’t have dozens of boyfriends – you only had a couple. It’s important that he came alone, now. Also, you and him are going to go on a trip too. He’s going to be the one to offer, the one who’s going to ask you if you will go with him. And you will. It’s going to be pleasant. Anything and everything I see with him is good.”

Here’s where it got a little uncanny…

Her: “He has an ex, but you know this already, don’t you?”

Me (baffled as fuck): “Yeah. Yeah, he dated her for about five years, and they broke up right before he met me.”

Her: “Yes. They were in a committed kind of relationship. But right now, their relationship *gestures downward*, it went downhill, like that. And, I don’t see that he’s missing her or anything. No. She’s not a sincere person. She’s okay, but not sincere. So, she’s going to let him go.”

This part made me laugh, because as true as it was it was also quite funny that she was able to see this:

Her: “I like his body. He has a beautiful body.”

Me (not even trying to stifle my giggles): “Yeah! Yeah, he totally does.”

Her: “Yeah! He works out every day. Almost every single day. You should work out with him too. And then you’ll be like, voom.” (LMFAO).

And here is where my phone somehow magically failed, and stopped recording. Which is funny, because this was the part of the reading that coincided the most with exactly what the lady who read my palm said to me. But it makes sense. Perhaps that palm reading, and this part of the reading that is only preserved in my memory now, perhaps those vibrations are meant to be protected, and held close to me and only me. Because these are the parts that are, in essence, most important. So, I’ll only touch upon them briefly here.

Both the palm-lady and this woman said that this new person who has entered my life, is my soul-mate. Both of them said that.

And both of them said that money was on its way to me, by unexpected means.

A bit more in depth about the whole soul-mate thing though: the palm lady basically said exactly word for word what I heard today – that the person who’s going to show me what real love is has just entered my life. That I’ve never really and truly been in love before, but that that was going to change thanks to this new person. And, that she’s so happy for me and wishes she could be there in the moment I finally realize it myself. (Apparently I will by October, which she happened to know was my favourite month.) From the coffee-reading lady: she said that I have no reason whatsoever to be afraid. She could sense my hesitation right off the bat as soon as she said the word soul-mate. But she said that I’m lucky, that people search their entire lifetimes and beyond to find this person that I’ve happened to find. And she said that he has no reason to fear either. She said that the massive heart she can see in my cup is complete now, because I’ve finally met the “one”, and he feels the same way.

She also knew that Adrian was an old soul, but younger than me (she compared it to the same way that Meghan Markle is older than Prince Harry, LMAO).

All in all, it was a beautiful, positive reading for the most part. And just… mind-boggling. I’m calm yet shook. I just… I mean, I found what I was looking for, you know? I asked the universe for this and it heard me. I’ve always said my signs come two-fold, and one after the other, they did. The uncanny similarities between the two readings cannot be coincidence, and I know that. I know the threads of destiny are written and are unfolding as I speak.

I don’t know how I feel. I feel… happy, content. I feel like somewhere deep down, I knew all of this already. I feel like I was just searching for confirmation for curiosity’s sake, almost. And I know the fear I feel is all stemming from my ego and logic-self, which dies a little more each and every day. So, yeah.

What an incredible day it’s been.

I did tell Adrian that I was going to see this woman but… I don’t know if I’m going to tell him about this reading, in depth. I told him about the palm lady too, but conveniently left out the part about how apparently the “new person” that’s entered my life is my soul mate. And now, all of this? It was already mind-boggling for me to hear everything I did about both myself and him. I can’t imagine how he’d react to hear a complete stranger knowing about some of the most intimate details of his life, through looking at coffee grounds in a saucer. I don’t know if he’d freak out per se, but I definitely wouldn’t blame him if he did.

Eh. Maybe I’ll show him a couple years down the line, LOL.

Despite hearing everything I have, I’m not attached to it. I’m still open to whatever could happen. Yes, I do believe our destinies are written. But I also believe that there are threads, constantly shifting and changing. What is written will ultimately occur, what is meant for you will ultimately find you. So, I choose to maintain my faith in that and continue to go with the flow I’m currently on.

Do I believe that we’re soul-mates?

Maybe. I can’t explain a lot of this, and neither can he, but we’re both okay with this fact. Actually it’s funny, we were just talking about this; I told him recently how I can’t explain any of this, but for once it’s okay that I can’t, and that I’m just happy, simply and completely. And he was like, “Then let that guide you. Simple and unexplained happiness is one of life’s best feelings. You bring a smile to my face like nobody else can, so I completely understand the sentiment. I think we’ve both been blindsided by the same emotions.”

I agreed, and told him I was letting it take me where it would, and happily so. I also said that as blindsiding as it was, I was glad that the feelings were mutual.

And his reply to that was: “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate and value that point of view – you’ve let this be so enjoyable with your openness, trust and confidence. I don’t know why, but it’s just so easy. Like everything just syncs between us. The fact that we’re on the same page most of the time just makes it so easy to function – and to be ourselves.”

That’s exactly how I feel about this, about us, too.

So, yeah. I never thought I could meet my soul-mate. I wasn’t looking for this, you know? I was so focused on fulfilling and completing myself above all, first. Maybe that’s the reason that I’ve attracted this into my life though. Maybe all the work I’ve been doing on myself created the kind of vibration that manifested this level of blessing. Maybe… I was finally ready.

Time will tell.

Anyways, that’s all for today. Radha came over after my reading and we smoked up and legit, our vibes were on this exact same level to the point that she was taking the thoughts right out of my mouth before I even spoke. It actually got quite funny sometimes. It was a good chill day, for sure.

I don’t quite know what tomorrow holds for me exactly, but I’m excited nonetheless.

Here’s to… life. And life’s so-called mysteries that truly, aren’t really mysteries at all. Here’s to fate, to destiny, to surrendering. To letting go. To letting be. To being at ease, and at peace.

Love always,

Me.