Day 129 to 132 – May 8th to 11th, 2020

Hello, hello! It’s been a wonderful yet chilly weekend, but here we are with a brand new Monday and it’s time to get down to business. It’s time to get to writing my book! HUZZAAAHHHH 

But, before I do that, I’ll do a nice little catch up log with myself because I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve done that. 

So, how have things been!? 

Well, we’re heading into mid-May now – as per usual, time does not stop for anyone and continues to barrel onwards at what seems like a very fast pace. I’m still home, still “quarantining” (-ish), but I’m happy that it’s almost been two months and my family and loved ones are still remaining safe and sound despite the fact that we do see each other frequently. 

I’ve been great – I’ve settled into a sort-of routine now, where I spend a certain amount of time at Adrian’s, then he stays here, then I stay home and he goes home so we have some time apart, and then he comes to get me and the routine begins again. I like it – I’ve become really used to waking up beside him and having him close by, but I also enjoy the one or two days where we do our own separate things. 

It’s so hard to turn off the perspective in my brain where I know I’m typing for an audience as opposed to writing for just me. As I read the words I write, I think, “how does this read for others?” as opposed to just actually writing whatever comes into my head. I think of my metaphors, my alliterations, the style and nature of my writing and if it flows. While I believe that this will come in handy for when I’m writing my book (as I do love the stylization of writing as an art and a form of expression), I don’t think it’s necessary when it comes to my writing as a form of checking in with myself and maintaining a connection with myself and my self-awareness. 

But this is good. You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of when I’m meditating, and I’m trying to focus on meditating and on my breath as opposed to my thoughts and where they lead me emotionally. Writing to myself should be like focusing on my breath – it should flow easily and without effort, and every time I find myself drawn to writing for an audience as opposed to for myself, I should draw myself back to honesty, authenticity, and flow. To writing for myself before writing for anyone else. 

I like that! It’s a good way to put things into perspective. 

My ADHD has been a little bit bad lately – it’s been hard to focus. Even now, writing this log, I’m only a couple paragraphs in but I’ve already stopped like ten times because of being distracted. I think this week, I’m going to try to get back on my ADHD medication. I know it’s a higher dose, but I have to try. And then, I’m going to try and get in touch with my doctor to see if she can replenish my prescription. 

This week, I’m looking forward to working on my book and bringing it to life. I have my deadline of June 1st, and I really want to have something done by then. I most definitely will. I promised myself that. I also have my petition stuff out and ready to be looked at – amidst all of this, that’s something I have to pull together as well. I’m realizing, now more than ever, that everything really does happen for a reason. 

You know what I’ve been thinking? My job, despite being a coordinator and not just a demonstrator, will probably be put on hold indefinitely until September, maybe December latest. I’m essentially out of work for the rest of this entire year, potentially. Which means, I have every opportunity to stay on EI, and actually go back to school full-time. I’ve been given this super rare chance to actually put work on the back burner for the first time in years, because money is coming to me regardless. That means, I can go to school AND make/save money. 

When will I ever get a chance like this again? When will things ever fall into alignment like this for me once things return to “normal”? I have to, HAVE TO, capitalize on this! I know that even if my job is offered to me once more, Anna would understand and respect my decision to go back to school. We have a very strong team, and plenty of people to take my place. There are many people who can take up my hours, and I know she’d let me return on a reduced capacity if need be. 

The world has made it so that I can’t travel this year anyways. Life is so ironic, it really is. Now that I don’t have work and I don’t have travel, I can channel that love and passion into my book, into school. If I don’t see this time in my life for what it is and walk willingly into this pathway that’s been laid out for me… all I know is, I can feel what my gut is prompting me towards and I’m ready to listen. 

Either way, I still have plenty of time. Even though the mere thought of life returning to “normal” makes my stomach churn and my heart flip in anxiety, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have the power to make my life exactly what I know I want it to be. No matter what, this time in my life has helped me to put things into perspective. I’ve never been more thankful for a pause like this. Despite all the fear and chaos in the air outside and whatever is going on with the government and the world, I’ll always be grateful for this time in my life when I look back on it, I know it. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for that. Anything else regarding le me? 

Okay so, the three cups of coffee I had kicked in and I went on a massive cleaning spree in the house LMAO. I feel good now. Everything is clean, clear and sparkling! I actually kind of understand where my mom is coming from (shock!) about having a clean house – it just feels nice to come home to it, and do what you want to do amidst it. 

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I can get back to writing this. 

Anything else I need to get off my mind or catch up about?

Ah yes – some vague stray thoughts. As I have been reading through my old logs from 2017, it’s like hearing the voice of a really close old friend whom I love dearly. I loved watching her on her journey, reading about her realizations, seeing what she went through and everything she learnt along the way. It’s heart-warming, it made me laugh, and even though it made me cringe at times, I still loved every bit of it. That’s what I want to capture in my book – I want to tell a story, while at the same time emphasizing how important self-love is. I also want to engage my reader by adding in some exercises at the end of every chapter; this interactive element really helped me a lot when I was reading Christine Arlyo’s books “Me Before We” and “Madly in Love With Me”. 

I’m so excited to revisit that chapter/time in my life through writing my book. I’m sure I’ll re-learn plenty. 

The more I visualize it in my head, the more I can see exactly how I’d like the book to be. I can see the vision of it getting clearer and clearer by the day. I read this tweet recently that resonated with me so much, regarding this: “There are a lot of writers watching right now who are holding onto stuff because they don’t know how people will accept it… and it doesn’t matter. You have to get it out. You’re just holding onto something that really doesn’t belong to you anymore.” 

I love, love that quote. As much as this book is mine, it’s also a story that belongs to others now too. And that’s exactly what it feels like now. It feels like, I have to get it out. It’s begging me to come to life. It’s been asking me for years. 

I’m excited. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to hold it in my hands. I can’t wait to see it with my eyes, the way I’ve been visualizing it in my mind’s eye for so long. 

I guess that’s it for today! I don’t know if it’s all the coffee I drank or just the energy of this book coursing through my veins (probably both but more so the coffee than anything else LOL), but I feel super energized and I’m practically bouncing in my seat, I’m so excited. My heart is happy. LETS DO THISSSSSSS AHHHHHHH 

Life is good. I have that… magic feeling again. Like something amazing is about to happen. That good, anticipatory, tingling feeling. I love it, and I’ve missed it. 

Until my next log! 

Love, light, hope & faith always, 

Me.

Day 127 + 128 – May 6th & 7th, 2020

I just finished reading through the rest of my logs from 2017, and I’m smiling to myself now as I write this. 3 years ago, I embarked on a journey towards self-love and it changed and transformed my life completely. I discovered that magic exists in this life, I learnt more than I could have ever dreamed possible, and shaped myself into the woman I am today – a woman who is still learning. 

I don’t have any book to write because it is already written. It has BEEN written, and it’s been waiting there for me all this time. It just needs to be organized. I could have it done within weeks if I genuinely wanted to… and you know what? I AM going to. 

On June 1st of this year, I will have a first tentative draft of my book written. 

I’m holding myself accountable to this. I know I wrote about this recently. If I don’t hold myself accountable (out of self-love), nothing will ever get done. And I really want this to get done. 

What do I need to get a book published? I’d need an editor (or a couple I suppose), and a publisher. Do publishers take care of publicity/awareness or would I be responsible for that? So much to consider and I can’t believe I’m typing these words because this has been a dream of mine for so long that I don’t think I ever actually stopped to consider that this could be a reality if I did my due diligence, which I’m intending to do now. 

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Reading the confidence of my words, the peace, the awe, the wonder and happiness, reminds me of how far I’ve come. Reminds me how important it is for me to tell my story, in the hopes that maybe someone can relate. Reminds me that writing has always been my passion, my go-to. Writing is my art as well as my way of perceiving and understanding this world.I was given this love of writing for a reason. 

I have to believe in myself so hard that I give my dreams the wings they need to fly. I need to let faith be the wind beneath them. (I cannot get anymore cheesy than this, can I? LMAO). Seriously though – I’m seeing that more and more as these days continue. Magic is real and the Universe will always find a way to relay to you the messages you’re meant to hear. The ideas you’re meant to bring to life. 

You can do this, me. You can do this. You can bring this book to life the way you’ve been hoping to for so long. You can get it out there. You can have it on the shelves of Indigo the way you’ve always visualized; on the table, right there alongside the rest of “Heather’s Picks”. 

Have faith have faith have faith. Then, just do it. 

It’s time. I’m excited. I’m nervous, and I’m frightened, but I’m excited and I’m ready. At the end of the day, that’s what’s going to matter most. And if it’s meant to be the way that I know and hope in the deepest recesses of my soul, then the Universe will guide me along this pathway and conspire with me to bring this to life. 

I guess that’s all for today! It’s late in the afternoon now and Adrian will be finishing work soon, and I’m looking forward to cuddles and Chinese food, not necessarily in that order LOL. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with this person, my favourite wonderful loving caring supportive person. Le sigh. 

Love always and endlessly, 

Me.

Day 126 – May 5th, 2020

Bonjour tout le monde! 

It’s another chilly-ish May day, but the sun is shining out there so it’s all good. I’m hoping that despite the chill in the air, everything will continue to bloom beautifully as we continue on into this month. I’m sure that in a week or two, things will begin to warm up. 

So, I was doing some thinking. I re-read the introduction of my book, and the tone in which I wrote it still resonates with me. It makes me feel good. It feels authentic, and sincere. And then I realized something. 

I wrote in my introduction about how I chose to help myself, out of self-love, however small and soft it was before my journey began. And I’m realizing that I have to do the same thing for myself, now. I have to force myself to do some things that maybe I’m resisting, but I know it is for my greater good. One way or another, my life must continue on. I have to “just do it” in many aspects of my life, or else I will become stagnant once more. 

That means actually getting my petition done and handed in. I have to stop beating around the bush with this one – I think school will be good for me. Luna is 33-34 and she’s gone back to school and she’s doing amazing!!! I’m only 27 – it’s not too late for me to pursue this avenue and make something of it. I can’t stay in the retail industry my whole life! Even if I am doing admin work and payroll stuff now – this just isn’t where I belong. I’m proud of myself for taking a sales position and turning it into a coordinator role where I have more responsibility. I’ve proven to myself that I can excel wherever I end up. But it’s time to do that in a greater capacity now. 

I think it’ll be good for me to go back to school. I’ve always liked it. And now is the perfect opportunity to do so. I’m not working, and I probably won’t be for a while. Come September, maybe I’ll be able to go back full-time and get things done for real. I can step back from my position and go back to being a regular demo with less hours, and stay on EI if necessary. This may be the perfect timing for me. But if I don’t take advantage of it now… nothing will ever get done. Nothing will happen for me. I have to make things happen for me, for me. I have to. 

I have to take a full day, no distractions whatsoever, and lay everything out on the table (both literally and figuratively). I need to see what’s done, what needs to be done, and start putting what I can together. I have my agenda now and I have all the time I could ever need. This is what I have to do, this is what is meant for me. Everything, and I mean everything, happens for a reason. How many months have I been saying I need time to get this petition done?!?! I’ve had almost 2 full months of quarantine and I’m not upset with how I’ve spent that time because I am healthy and creatively thriving. But, I also owe it to myself to get ready for when real life resumes, because it will and I want to be ready for that too. 

As much as I’m enjoying this time, I have to be realistic too. Life WILL go on, with or without me. And I want to be in the right place when it’s time, you know? Vacations don’t last forever. 

It feels like everything is clicking into place again. I’m going with my gut and when I step back, I can see how every small decision I make, every little occurrence that I encounter, is all leading up to something bigger and greater and ultimately meant for me. I can feel it. I know that when I said that 2020 was going to be a big year, there was a reason for that (pandemic aside). 

It’s time to find my real balance. A balance between enjoying my crafts and leisure time, but also using my free time for practical things that I know I need to do. I owe it to myself to do so. It’s time to stop being vague about me and my future. It’s time to stop running from reality. I’m better than that. I’m not a teenager anymore. I have to be responsible for myself, out of love. I have to be. 

So next week on Monday when I know I’m set to be home, I’ll designate that full day to doing what I have to do, regarding my petition. In the meanwhile, I really want to try to work on my book regardless of where I am. 

I have all my book notes with me in my bag anyways, so there we go. Plan is in motion! I can write my logs, write my book, and then paint for a couple hours as a way to unwind after. 

I guess that’s all for today really. I have some stuff I’d like to do before Adrian comes by to pick me up today. I have to paint a clear coat over my nails, do the colour oops hair treatment (I’m trying to get the last of the green out my hair, it’s about time), replace the bedding in Will’s cage, and pack accordingly for the next couple days. 

Until tomorrow’s log!

Love always,

Me.

Day 123, 124, 125 – May 2nd to 4th, 2020

Helloooooo! Another Monday, another beginning of the week! However today, I am feeling particularly lazy and I don’t feel like doing much. Nevertheless, I’m forcing myself (out of love), to do this log so that I have a little bit of productivity to my day and therefore can spend the rest of the evening doing whatever I want (or nothing at all), guilt-free. 

This past weekend was really nice – we had a BBQ on Sunday because the weather went up to 20 degrees! It felt so nice to feel the warmth on my skin, just like I knew it would. Now, the weather will be a bit chilly for a little while to come, but that’s okay because it’s May and warmer weather is imminent. 

So, some of my coworkers have gone back to work, which was a bit of a shock. Because I don’t work for the company though, I don’t have to go back (thank God). They’re mostly doing stock work for inventory and also online order fulfillment, I believe. But it made me think about that dreaded moment of when everything will begin to open up again. 

I’m not ready to go back to real life!!! I’ve been enjoying this free time so much. I’ve been enjoying my free time, my painting, going back to reading, having my days to myself and being free to do whatever I please whenever. WAAAAAAAAA- 

I know, I’m being a big 27-year-old baby. But man. This has been so wonderful. Not having to worry about anything aside from, “what should I do next?” in the present moment of my day-to-day. Le sigh. 

I have to find a way to be able to prioritize my self and my time when I do go back to work. I don’t want to let this go; my creative side is flourishing and thriving and it makes me happy. I’m happy to be doing all these things that I’m passionate about. It makes my soul feel complete. 

I really do have to take advantage of this time. Get everything out of the way that I can, while I can. That means my petition. That means finally getting it organized and handing it in. 

Here’s my thing though. I know for a fact that this life works best when you’re relentlessly and passionately pursuing the things that make you happy. I would love my psych degree, but I want it on my own terms. I want it if I can have it because I want it – not because I need it. I don’t want it to be a means to an end, or the only reason I can get a career. In fact, I’m not even sure I want one of those either. 

I want a fantastic life. Of travelling, living, loving, writing. Am I dedicated enough to that dream? Do I have the courage to set everything aside to pursue that relentlessly? I don’t know. And if that’s my answer, then the real answer is no. Not right now. Not yet, anyways. But I know what makes me happy. Effortlessly, effervescently happy. 

I don’t know what I’m waiting for. A sign, a stroke of inspiration, a lightning bolt of motivation. 

I’ll know when I know I guess. It’s happened before that way, and I have faith that when it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Whatever “it”, is. 

Anyways, that’s about it for today! I do have a list of things I’d like to get done today, so I’m going to attempt to do some of that. Until tomorrow!

Love always, 

Me. 

Nope, I lied. I’m back. I just had one of those moments that I was looking for. 

You know the one thing I didn’t add to my list of things that I want to do that I know I should have? My book. MY BOOK. The one I’ve been meaning to write for YEARS.

I’m going to be hella honest with myself right now. You wanna know why I haven’t been trying? BECAUSE I’M SCARED. 

I’m terrified, somewhere deep down. I’m paralyzed by it. I’m scared that this is an idea that’s already been done, and done better, and done enough. I’m scared that it won’t reach the people that it’s meant to. I’m scared that it won’t make it the way I’m hoping in my heart it will. I’m scared to make it my baby, only to have it all fall apart. So I just let the idea be, even though it keeps knocking at my door at every possible opportunity. 

Every book I’ve read recently, including the one I’m currently reading, is telling me exactly what I need to hear. Shonda Rhimes says that dreams are for sleeping – success is for the people who do. And she’s right. She made her life what it was, not by dreaming it, but by working towards it with every ounce of her strength, dedication and perseverance. She lived and breathed her work. She laid her stories down, track by track by track until her mind hummed and everything else fell away. She created a universe within herself, and now she literally has a world of her own called “Shondaland”. If that’s not inspiring, I don’t know what is. 

And now, Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert is taking me by the hand, however begrudging I may be, and she is showing me the truth. That, ideas float around us constantly. They give us signs, synchronicities, and so much more in an attempt to bring themselves to life through us. They are not our masters, but our collaborators. They know that we have the tools to bring them into existence. Only… if you wait long enough, if you hesitate, if you hem and haw and say “I don’t know” and doubt yourself… the idea will float away, and it WILL come to life through someone else. 

There are many, many people on this earth. There are also many ideas. Chances are, the same ideas you’re sitting on, mulling about, are the same ones that people are working their asses off on bringing to life. The idea for that business you have, or that project or, in my case, my book. I am unique, yes, as is my story. But that doesn’t mean that that idea is all my own right now. There could be someone out there who’s mulling over the same idea. 

I can’t stew over this anyone. I can’t keep making the same excuses; “I need quiet”, “I need inspiration”, “I need to be away from my family”, “I want to work in a coffee shop”, BLAH BLAH BLAH. The truth is, I just need to do it. I need to DO IT. I need to sit down, and set aside an amount of time every day that I’m given, stop doubting myself, and JUST. DO. IT. Nike was obviously on to something here.

I can let fear come with me on this journey because I understand that the fear only means that this is something that is important to me. But, I can’t let it drive this bus anymore or else we’ll never get anywhere. It’s time to as fear to kindly take a step back, and let me and my creativity steer the way now. 

Every single synchronicity I have been given, from the pens to the people to the stories, every book I’ve come across that has found me – all of those things keep telling me the same thing. WRITE YOUR BOOK! WRITE AND DON’T STOP WRITING!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?!

The Universe is here to help me with this. It will guide me. I will put my faith in it, as I always do. But now, it’s also time to have some faith in me. To have faith in my story, and in my message, and know, somewhere, somehow, it’ll reach who it is meant to. I have to believe in myself. That is probably one of the greatest acts of self-love I could ever do, for me. I have to believe.

I bolded that part because I’m tired of having this same stroke of inspiration, only to have fear take over the wheel of the bus again, quietly. I love every part of myself, including my fear and anxiety. But that doesn’t mean that I have to let them take control of my life. My creativity knows the way. I know the way. I can do this. 

That’s all I wanted to add today. Now, I’m just going to rest and relax. Tomorrow… I start again. All that matters is every chance that we’re given to begin anew. And I intend to. I WILL. 

Love, faith, hope and belief always, 

Me.

Day 122 – May 1st, 2020

GOOD MORNING ITS MAY!!! LOL. 

I honestly cannot believe that it’s the first of May. March and April just doesn’t feel like they “existed” – ever since March, these past couple months have just felt like one long month. Time has passed by so fast despite being at home and taking things one day at a time. Is that a thing? Does being present make time feel like it’s going by that much quicker? I wonder. 

Well, it’s a new month! Which means new opportunities, new chances to grow, new things to learn and new ways to challenge myself! I’m looking forward to it all. I’m also looking forward to being able to have my tea/coffee outside on our patio in the quiet moments of the morning as the sun gains warmth. Ahh. I can already feel the heat of it on my skin, warming me to my core. 

You know, despite what’s going on, in my heart of hearts I’m hoping that they’ll implement proper physical distancing guidelines throughout the summer and open up beaches or parks. I’m sure people by now will have learnt to be safer and more conscientious, no? Maybe I’m being naive. I just can’t imagine a summer without being able to take a random day trip to Wasaga, or heading out to a park as the sun is setting and casting that golden summery light on everything. 

Worst case scenario, if things don’t open for this summer, we always have the cottage to escape to. My mom is planning on asking Elizabeth if we can go up more frequently this summer, and I don’t see why she’d say no. We always leave it in the most pristine condition, and I know Elizabeth appreciates all the ways my mom takes care of the cottage too. So we’ll see! I have a good feeling that I’ll be seeing plenty more of the cottage as time goes on these next couple months. 

And even then, it’s more than enough that we’ll be getting warm weather! We’ll find a way to make summer feel like summer even if parks and beaches don’t open up. There’s always BBQ’s at home, the patio at my house, and walks to be had, even if it’s just around the neighbourhood. We’ll see what’s meant to be! 

Weekends always feel like the start of another week to me now. I think it’s because I spent most of the week with Adrian, and then head home for the weekend to spend time with my family. Either way, I’m excited to head back home and hang out with everyone. Maybe I haven’t gone completely crazy yet because of the fact that I get to balance seeing my family with being at Adrian’s, LMAO. Gives me a chance to actually miss my family and miss being home. 

Anyways, I think I shall get back to my painting after this! Yesterday, it took me like 3 hours to paint a couple fishes but the end result made me so happy :’). I love painting, I love little details, and I love how it makes my brain go nice and quiet. It honestly feels like true meditation to me. 

Le sigh. Life is good. It’s amazing, and I couldn’t be happier. Thank you, thank you Universe. 

I guess that’s about it for today! I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to write this weekend as things usually get pretty busy when we’re over at my place, but if not, I most definitely will come next week. Until next time!

Love always and with all I am,

Me.

Day 121 – April 30th, 2020

Hellooooooo! Another fine day. It’s raining, but that’s quite fitting as it’s… THE LAST DAY OF APRIL! Wow. That happened really, really fast. Tomorrow… IT’S GONNA BE MAY *NSYNC TUNE* (LOL). 

And right off the bat, we’re having some wonderful weather – this weekend, it’s going up to 19-21. FINALLY!! Thank the Lord!! It’s about time we get some sun and warmer weather. We need that vitamin D and we need that warmth!! I also can’t wait to see all of the trees, flowers and other various foliage come to life! Spring is maybe one of my least favourite seasons because of my allergies, but I do appreciate the beauty of it. 

What am I up to today? Well, I’ve finished my book already, so that’s no longer an option heh. I must say – I’d highly recommend “Year of Yes” to anyone who’s trying to step out of their comfort zone or live a more fulfilling life. It was super inspiring to read Shonda Rhimes’ story; for someone who was accomplished as she was, it’s amazing to see that she recognized that success was not enough and that she wanted to be genuinely happy amidst everything she’d achieved externally. Such a good book! 

I think what I’ll do today is paint for a little while. I think the Moon was just in Cancer (so my moon sign was at home) because I am in my feels and feeling that creative energy! I also really like how rainy it is outside, it sets this nice comfy mood for painting. 

I guess that’s about it for today! Tomorrow, Adrian and I are returning back to my place because Trevor is cooking a full traditional Turkish meal. Man, I may miss travelling, but with all this amazing food I’ve been getting to eat (Mexican, Italian, Southern and now Turkish), it feels like we’ve been travelling anyways, LOL. I’m enjoying all this amazing food (and I’ll lose the weight eventually, heh). 

For now, I’m going to set up my paint stuff, maybe smoke a little, and get into my creative zone where my mind settles into that soothing hum of silence and magic. Until tomorrow morning! 

Love always, love everywhere, love all the time, 

Me.

Day 120 – April 29th, 2020

Good morning to meeeee! So I’m currently at Adrian’s, and this is going to be the first day of my proper test run of being more productive and having more of a routine going while I’m with him. So far, so good – I pulled out my laptop to write a log, I have “Year of Yes” beside me which I’m intending to read, and I have all the paints I need to actually get some more work done on my painting! All of which I can do while he’s working, and once he’s done, we can spend the evening together as always and I will feel more balanced as a result of having done things that I enjoy throughout the day. Huzzah!

I don’t have too much to write here today, I believe. Although, I was kind of thinking about astrology lately – it’s Taurus season now, the time of grounding and earth and solidity. I wonder if that’s why I had such an urge to garden with my bare hands yesterday, LOL. It was so nice though; I planted some flower seeds in the little garden area we have out front with some fresh soil, and I’m hoping they’ll start blooming once the weather starts getting warmer. I also want to get more house plants to take care of indoors, like an aloe plant and some new orchids. Man, I really am thankful for all this time. I’m doing things I’ve always wanted to invest my time into, but never had a chance. Here’s hoping my newfound green-thumb is fruitful! (Hehe). 

I guess that’s it for today! I’m looking forward to reading more of my book, and hopefully painting in the afternoon. Until tomorrow’s log then! 

Love always and infinitely,

Me.

Day 119 – April 28th, 2020

Hello, hello! Another day of quarantine yet again, but life is good. So after my log yesterday, I did indeed organize all the tasks I’d like to take on or projects I’d like to complete, and where/when/how I can do them. I’m ready to go! I’ve also picked some books to read – yesterday, I got through the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, which was made into a movie (that I watched recently). It’s pithy, dry but also sincere at the same time. It was also written by two people who actually wrote for the show Sex and the City, which I’m currently watching, so I figured it was a fitting read. 

It was a quick book though, so now I have begun reading Shonda Rhimes’ book “A Year of Yes”, and I love it so far! I love her writing style – it’s like she directly writes her stream of thought onto pages, so it’s almost as though I’m hearing her inner voice in my head. It’s exactly how I’d like to write my own book, actually. Personalized and flowy, in order to tell my story in my own way. I can’t wait to keep reading! I also have Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book on the way, “Big Magic”. I very much resonated with “Eat, Pray, Love”, so I’m looking forward to reading her new work. 

I’ve also found my old dream journal! It’s got these cute little prompts that help you to remember the details of your dreams, which I love. I’ve been having super vivid dreams lately, and sometimes more than one in a night. Apparently “quarantine dreams” are actually a thing though; because we’ve been sleeping much more than we used to, our REM cycles have also elongated as a result. Therefore, we’re having more dreams than usual. Also, since we’re living through unprecedented surreal circumstances like this pandemic, it translates into our dreams. Hence why they’re extra vivid, and sometimes extra weird. I’ve been enjoying my dream sagas thus far though. I’ve dreamt about everything from superheroes to going to a water park with my family to even watching an episode of the Office (an episode that doesn’t exist… my brain was “pitching” an idea and honestly, it wasn’t very good LMAO). 

I’m glad I found the journal so I can keep better track of my dreams. Sooner or later, I know I’ll get that point where I’ll be easily lucid dreaming, or become aware/conscious as I’m dreaming. I love dreams like that. Where it’s almost as though you “wake up” in your dream and become aware that you’re dreaming. It’s such an interesting feeling. 

Anyways, that’s about it for today I suppose! Adrian is picking me up today to bring me over to his place, so after this log I’m going to go get the paints that I know I need to continue with my painting, and pack whatever else I may need accordingly. 

In other exciting news – because I won all that money playing online with a tiny bit of government money (hehe thank you government), I decided to splurge and buy a whole bunch of skincare stuff, and I also treated Bea and Olivia to whatever the hell they wanted off of Amazon. Now, we’re armed to the teeth with all sorts of cool stuff like pure virgin coconut oil, facial scrubs, gold eye masks, super hydrating moisturizers, etc. I’M SO EXCITED!! I really want to make skin care a priority during this time – I’ve been so makeup free lately that my skin is really healthy, but I want to take it a step further. 

I have pretty dark under-eye circles and some fine lines that I’d like to get rid of (probably from not properly putting SPF lotions on my face when I travel and stuff). I’m turning 28 this year (WTF) so I think it’s about time I start taking proper care of my skin as to not look as old as I’m turning, LOL. I’d like to age ~gracefully~. I can’t believe I’m almost 30. I do not feel almost 30. I think I still feel like 25-26 maybe. I’m “old”, but I don’t feel “old”. I like playing Mario Kart on my switch, I am a giant child, and I don’t have a career or mortgage. But, I’m cool with that. I think I’m pretty responsible for the most part. When I have to be. I can “adult” if necessary. 

Either way, I think “adulting” is just a series of actions/decisions that allow you to pass off as though you actually are “adulting”. Some taxes here, bill payments there, buy/rent a place, pop out some babies and bam, that’s adulting. Aside from that, it’s mostly just figuring things out as you go along, isn’t it? Isn’t that what life is as a whole? So, I’m not going to worry about what I may be doing “right” or “wrong” when it comes to where I “should” be in life regarding my age. To quote my favourite movie, “hang the code and hang the rules! They’re more like “guidelines” anyways!” 

Anyways, this went off on a strange tangent (thank you, ADHD), so I shall draw this to a close now. I’m glad I’m writing more frequently – here’s hoping it lasts! 

I’m glad that I’ve decided to be more productive about my quarantine time and that I’m actually acting upon it. I feel like I’ve had my fill of allowing myself to do absolutely nothing and anything that I wanted without structure or time frames, and I very much enjoyed that. But true to form (and my sun sign Libra), I know myself and I know I need balance in my life. Too much of anything can sometimes become a bad thing. It’s all about moderation and balance. 

I guess that’s it for today! Until next time. 

Love, love, love and tons of light, 

Me.

Day 118 – April 27th, 2020

Hello! I woke up this morning early for the first time in a while, and I feel super refreshed! Amazing what a little time away in nature can do for you. I also feel super excited and motivated! I’m looking forward to getting myself organized today after I write this log. We also have a set time tonight to group-chat with all the cousins. We missed Easter weekend, which is usually the weekend where we’re all reunited with each other and we end up doing some spontaneous shenanigans, so I thought it would be nice to hold a conference call and catch up. So that’s what’s in store for me today. 

Now, it’s time to ~organize~ everything. I want to categorize all the projects or hobbies I’d like to do, how I’d like to designate my time to them, and where. I think what I’ll do is get a notebook and create a Venn diagram to visualize better. I’ve always been a more visual learner. I also want to get an agenda so I can start organizing my days better and keep track of what day it is LOL. 

I guess that’s about it for today! After I finish this log, I’m going to draw the Venn diagram, figure out which projects I’d like to begin + see through, order an agenda, and then pick a new book to read and get a new book list going. Huzzah!

I’ll write tomorrow for sure, even if it’s a short log. Time to get this habit up and going again! 

Love always and light to all, 

Me.

Day 115 to 117 – April 24th to 26th, 2020

Okay, I have to, have to write a proper log today. One where I don’t get distracted by other things or walk off and forget to finish. Plus, there’s so much write about and talk about it! 

First off – we finally managed to make it to the cottage this past weekend! And we were super lucky to have such wonderful weather too. I was honestly a little nervous about getting up there after our last attempt, but it seemed as though this time it was meant to be. 

We spent the day out in the sun, canoeing, and I even jumped in the lake! Holy fuck it was freezing – the lake probably has just melted from being frozen, so I imagine that that’s what it feels like to “polar dip”. It was so invigorating though; the adrenaline rush that came with plunging into the icy depths of the water was unbelievable. It literally took my breath away, LOL. 

It was nice to finally get out of the city and “self-isolate” somewhere else. For this weekend, for a brief moment, it almost felt as though the pandemic wasn’t a thing. I actually kind of forgot – we stopped at Tim’s like we always do after we got out of the woods, and the drive-through line-up was ridiculous. So I suggested we go inside, only to realize a split second later that we couldn’t because they weren’t serving customers face to face anymore. Such a weird moment! We barely even mentioned it once this past weekend, I also think that’s why. Usually it’s a main topic of conversation these days. But it was refreshing to go a couple days without it. 

Anyways, that’s about it regarding this past weekend! I can’t believe how quickly this month has flown by. At the end of this week, it’ll already be May! It feels like time is passing by so fast, which is weird because we’re all at home and life is at a standstill. Funny how that works, eh? I guess time flies when you’re having fun, and I honestly have been! It’s been so nice to not have any major responsibilities. There’s like a little me in my head that cringes as I say that because there’s that hardwired part of me that knows I have responsibilities regardless but hey – when in life are we ever going to have a moment like this? 2-3 months to literally just stay home with your family, eat good food, go for walks, do whatever the hell you want, binge things for 24 hours straight, or start 3498384 projects just because you can!? 

I just want to know that I’m making the most of this time, and I genuinely think I am. I’m scared about going back to the real world after this, but that’s life and no matter what, I have the capacity to shape it into exactly what I want it to be. The trick is, I have to know exactly what I do want. What do I want my life to look like after quarantine ends? It may most likely happen during summer, or may not even happen at all until August-September. But in between now and then, I need to know what direction I’d like the course of my life to head in. 

So, as fun as it has been to just binge shows and movies, stay up late doing whatever I want, start writing and reading and painting again, I also owe it to myself to self-reflect and write more meaningfully to myself so that I can do things in preparation for what’s to come once the new normal begins and the quarantine ends. On the other hand though, I have been enjoying myself and I have been very present, so I’m happy about that either way. 

But yeah, I have all this restless energy now! It’s like, I have all this motivation and it’s all scattered everywhere (that’s the ADHD in me I suppose, LOL). Hence why I always start stuff and have these bursts of energy but I get bored easily and start something else. Ah, the novelty effect. I was on my medication for a little, but it was way too strong for just sitting at home. I guess I could try again and see how it goes! Like, I want to finish my painting, or I want to spend a week actually dedicated to writing my story. And I don’t want anything to be on my mental table at all (aside from mind-quieting hobbies) when I start writing my book for real. 

I think because I’ve been back and forth between Adrian’s and my place, it’s been hard for me to get a routine going. When I’m at Adrian’s, I mostly just chill in his bed and watch shows. Although, he does make space for me to paint and write too. But when I’m home, I have the freedom to roam around, set up whatever I want in my own space, or if I feel like reading I can grab a book off of my shelf. Hmm. I need to find my middle way between the two. 

Maybe what I can do is separate my projects into categories: projects I can work on properly when I’m at Adrian’s, and projects I can work on from home. I know all the things I want to do – it’s just a matter of designating the when, where and how. Sometimes those things can overlap too, but again, it’s just a matter of organization. 

For example: I can spend some time at Adrian’s writing (both personally and story-wise), since my laptop is so small and portable. He also sets up his desk for me to paint, and the window beside his bed gets plenty of light so it’s actually an ideal set-up. I just need to prepare the exact colours I know I’ll need for whatever portion of the painting I decide to work on, before I go over to his house. I can also work on my meditation, because that’s something I can do no matter where I am. 

And then when I’m home, I can do those things, but also what I can do from home is: work on organizing my petition officially so I can hand it in, pick some new books to read, clean out/organize my closet, take bubble baths, workout/learn yoga, maybe even start up my makeup instagram again! 

There are definitely things that fall into both locational categories, but again, it’s all about organizing what exactly I’d like to do, before I go to Adrian’s. That way, I get a good balance of “routine” or productivity, and then I get to wind down and spend my evenings with him after he’s done work. It’s different being home because I can easily balance out my “productive tasks” with my “leisure time”. It was a bit more difficult doing so at Adrian’s because all the time felt like leisure time LOL. But that can get tiring after a while and I’m realizing that it actually is important to have some semblance of motivation or purpose, at least some times. It keeps the cogs going, blood pumping, etc. I don’t want to become complacent, lethargic or go into autopilot mode during this time. A healthy balance is key.

It’s time to really and truly take care of myself, in all ways!! I know I’m doing well and I’m grateful for where I’m at, but now I can really focus on that maintenance. It’s like having a plant – even if it’s blooming and growing well, it’s important to prune it and get rid of dead leaves to make sure it grows even healthier! (Which reminds me, gardening is another hobby I’d like to add to the list hehe). 

Maybe I’ll even order an agenda again so I can start keeping track of my days. It’s a bit of a bummer (but also not) that April has flown by completely and I haven’t really written or finished anything that I’ve started. I’m not judging myself for it, but the inner me that’s really excited about all these things knows I can use this time more wisely and I owe it to myself (out of self-love) to do so! Dedication, not discipline. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for today. It’s a new week, and I’m looking forward to implementing this new plan! I’m also home tomorrow, so maybe what I can do is narrow things down and write out that category/list so I know how to prepare for everything else. Hooray for motivation and excitement! 

I still have more I’d like to write about as well. Until tomorrow then!

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.