Day 6 – January 6th, 2017

It’s honestly crazy how much can happen in one day. I was actually kind of tempted to write again yesterday, because of the amount of things that happened. But, I made it! Where do I even begin?

Let’s start with the fantastically amazing good news: yesterday… I booked a trip to Hawaii!!!!! I’M GOING TO HAWAII NEXT MONTH! When I say that everything is happening so fast, it’s definitely an understatement, LOL. But, this is it! This is what I’ve been looking forward to, what I’ve been meaning to do. I can’t wait to explore another country, while learning more about myself. This is what life is meant to be like! I’m so incredibly excited. I’m going with Luna and her sister.

This year has been off to such an amazing, crazy, unpredictable and spontaneous start, all because I’ve been taking matters into my own hands. Which just goes to show how much of our fate is in our power, if we just reach out to grab it.

And now, onto more pressing matters. Yesterday, while I was at work, Nick messaged me. He asked me if it was too soon, and without really thinking I said no, that it was fine. We actually talked on and off until the evening. And while at first, I was totally okay with it, it did make me wonder – what’s the appropriate time frame for being friends with an ex after breaking up? There aren’t really any guidelines on what’s right or wrong, so I know that it’s a matter of ones’ self.

I have to be totally and completely honest with myself, as I promised I would. So, how did I feel when he messaged? Well, I was happy. I missed talking to him. I think a part of me was hoping that it could be that easy – that all I would need is two days to grieve and mourn, and that we could just bounce back to being friends, no problem.

But now? I’m not so sure.

Oddly enough, it isn’t me that I’m worried about. When I told my cousins that I was feeling okay about it, I meant it. Which confused me, in truth. Shouldn’t I be hurting more? Didn’t I need more space, seeing as it was so soon? So I told him. I told him that I was wondering whether or not it was too soon to be talking again. That it couldn’t be this easy. And then, I realized why he had messaged in the first place.

He was lonely. And I think, it was really, really bad if he messaged me about it. He told me he didn’t want to bother me, but he needed someone to talk to. He’d messaged other people, told his family, but I’m guessing that no one provided him with the support or release that he was really looking for.

I suggested a whole bunch of other people, told him to go out, to have fun, to be happy. And he assured me, he knew it was bad right now, but just for now.

I woke up today hoping that he wouldn’t message me, but… he did.

And now that little part of me that’s logical is laughing at the little part of me that was hoping it would be easier than this. “Nice try, buddy”, it’s saying. But in all honesty, I’m kind of laughing along with it. I don’t think any less of myself for hoping it’d be easier – who wouldn’t?! I’m sure everyone wants to stay friends with someone they broke up with but cared deeply about.

There are a couple things I need to take into consideration here. Namely that I have multiple, humongous, love-filled, encouraging support groups in my life that shower me with nothing but positivity and strength to go through this. All he had was me. And now he doesn’t.

It’s easier for me to heal, to be okay with talking to him so soon, because I have so much strength and love coming at me from all these different directions, including myself now. I don’t think he has that, at least not yet. Which is probably why this is so much harder for him, than it is for me.

That being said, makes what I have to do so much harder. And what do I have to do, you ask? Well… as much as I would be okay with catching up, every so often… I think we need to stop talking, at least for a little while. And funny enough, it’s not even for me – it’s for him.

He still feels like he needs me. Loneliness has him reaching out for the only person he knows who can quell that feeling, and that’s me. But he has to learn how to be okay with being on his own. He has to embrace that loneliness, no matter how hard it gets. I can’t be there for him, the way I used to be. I want to be friends, but I can’t be his only friend anymore. (Or ever again, for that matter – how am I only realizing now how unhealthy that was?! I should have encouraged him to branch out more, but I can’t change that now.)

I’m going to give him just today. One last day to message me and say whatever else he needs to do. And then tonight, I’m going to tell him that I need space. Because, I know he’ll give it to me if he thinks I need it. But really, I think he needs it more than I do. And, I care about him too much to let him depend on me as much as he does.

Also, I think he’s smarter than I give him credit for. I’m pretty sure he knows all of this, just as well as I do. But, I also understand how easy it is to fall back onto the things you feel you need the most, when things get hard. I know I need to be alone, I think he knows this is what’s best too – but, it’s also easy to take up the guise of friendship to pretend we’re not hurting as much as we are.

My gut feeling is telling me that we can’t talk every day like we used to. We can talk sometimes, catch up, and still be a part of each other’s lives in the simplest ways possible. But, our everyday friendship was a huge part of what our relationship was, and that’s ended now. It wasn’t just physical – it was mental, and emotional. If we’re over, then we can’t just be over physically; we have to be over emotionally and mentally too, to a certain degree. Or else neither of us will be able to move forward and live our lives the way we’re meant to, in this separation.

I think that that’s what the real truth of this matter is, and what I need to remember moving forward.

He’s stopped messaging now. I took a really long time to reply, as I was writing this log. He read it, and didn’t respond. I think deep down he knows what I know, despite how hard it is to accept. I wish he wasn’t hurting as much as he was, and I wish that there was something I could do, but I can’t. I can’t be that person anymore. I can’t be his person anymore. Which is sad, but also just a matter of fact at this point.

Anyways, I think that’s about all I wanted to record in this log. Oh, I had another dream about mom. She, Olivia and I were trying to out drive some crazy car chase and people were shooting each other. And a shot got through our back window and shattered it, but Olivia and I were ducked. I think it hit my mom though? Because she suddenly went unconscious, holding onto her neck. And I still tried to save her, I was sad.

I guess that kind of makes me realize that, I need to reach out to her. She’s my mom, I can’t stay mad at her forever because she’s probably hurting just as much as I was, if not more. No one can handle seeing their children in pain, and I think my pain hit her deep and somehow turned into anger. I understand. I’ll see if I can talk to her somehow today. It’s strange, but I anticipate it’ll be like trying to talk to a wall. It’s not her fault that she doesn’t understand, but I still have to make some kind of effort anyways.

I have to do things now, like get my petition stuff organized, re-read what I have written of my letter so far, and see if I can add to it. I have to organize my agenda, get my dates in order for the next little while.

Being able to write every day allows me to marvel at how much can occur in 24 hours. And also makes me sad for all the time that passed last year that went unaccounted for. But it’s okay, because I’m doing things differently this time around. And it feels really, really good. Go me!

Love,

Me.

Day 5 – January 5th, 2017

Good morning!

So I had some really strange dreams last night, which made me realize that I failed to address one other important topic in last night’s log. And, it somehow managed to crop up in my dream, which usually lets me know that it’s definitely bothering me, on some level.

I dreamed about my mom. She was trying to talk to me, and I kept running down our street trying to get away from her. And then I woke up, and realized how much anger I really am harboring towards her.

The day I tried to tell her what had happened, in a moment that I was already in excruciating emotional pain, she merely added more pain on top of it. She yelled at me, threw things, in a ridiculous rage that made literally no sense to me whatsoever.

I did understand afterwards to some extent, that she didn’t quite know how exactly to react to what I had said. But, nonetheless, her reaction was less than appropriate.

It hurt man! I wanted my mom to be there for me, ask me if I was okay, and maybe even give me a hug? So yeah, I’m pretty angry, and I’m hurt, and I’m stubborn too. Yesterday, she tried to talk to me as though all were okay, and I yelled at her, asking her why she was speaking to me all of a sudden. She hasn’t tried since then.

But this morning, there were pancakes on the table. And a cup of tea, in my own new special mug. In her own way, I know that that was a peace offering of sorts. But I’m very much like her – when I get hurt, my pride gets very much in the way of logic. I want an apology. I won’t speak to her until I hear one.

Meanwhile, the little logical voice in my head is begging to be heard, piping up softly with, “she’s your mom. Just initiate the conversation and let yourself heal, because this anger isn’t helping you in any way.” I know it’s right. Eventually, I’ll have to do the smart thing and tell her how I feel, if not for her then for myself.

Looks like it’s going to be short log for today! It’s now 12:25 PM, and I’ve got to start getting ready for work. Luna and Marilyn are working with me tonight, so it should be fun, I’m excited. But before I go, just a quick little check in with myself…

How are you feeling?

I want to say I’m okay, but you know, the ache is still there of course. I’m thinking just a little bit less about him, but he’s always there in the back of my mind. I keep wondering when I’ll be ready to message him, like what the appropriate timing for that would be – not just for myself, but for him. Like, I don’t want him to feel like it’s too soon. I would obviously ask him to be honest with me afterwards if anything.

Maybe I’ll give it like two weeks or so.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. Until tomorrow then!

Me.

Day 4 – January 4th, 2017

It still feels so unreal to me. Yesterday, I woke up being in a relationship, and went to sleep being out of it. And today was my real first day of being without him. So how did it go?

I had plenty of distraction at first. I was with my cousins, which was really nice. I met up with a good friend for brunch, also a great distraction. And now, I know that the moments that I am alone will be the moments that I dread the most.

It hurts. It hurts so much, all the time. I can’t stop thinking about it. I regret it so much; I keep staring at his name in my phone, mentally screaming at him to come back, when it was me who left. Every fiber of my body is telling me to message him, to tell him how much I miss him, to tell him that I made a mistake. It’s taking everything I have to hold back from doing this.

A part of me is still in shock, because it happened so suddenly. Everything reminds me of him, but I’m not ready to put anything away yet. It feels like there’s a constant battle going on in my self, at it looks kind of like this:

“Are you insane? How could you let go of someone who supported you so much? Your best friend?”

And then, I try to tell myself, “this is exactly why I had to do it. Because I feel like this, like I don’t know how to go on, like he’s my everything. Until I can learn how to be alone, truly independent, then I can’t be with him or anyone else.”

But it still doesn’t make me feel any better. I know that eventually, it won’t hurt as much. But for now? It does. Like a constant ache in my chest. All I can think of doing is finding ways to distract myself so I can think of literally anything else. But the distraction is only temporary – the pain just feels unending.

I didn’t realize how much a part of my life he had become, until now. I know my friends and family are there for me, readily waiting for me to message or talk to them, if need be. But, it just doesn’t feel the same. It feels like such a big void – a Nick shaped void, LOL. And no one but him can fill it. He had a very specific place in my heart and in my life. Either way, despite that, I’ve been so incredibly lucky to have such a huge and loving support group. The love, support, kind words and encouragement are endless.

I keep hoping that time will pass by more quickly, because I’ve directly seen how time heals all things. But, I know I have to let myself feel these things completely, or else I won’t be healing properly. So here I am, embracing all the tears and sadness and ache to the best of my ability.

I know I’m going to be doing an emotional check-in with myself, three months from now. So, I’d like to write in detail what my current mental/emotional mind frame is when it comes to him and our relationship, so that I can compare it to my three month mark log.

Emotionally: as mentioned before, there is constant ache; I miss him incredibly, in all the possible ways that I can. I cannot stop replaying the break up in my head, on a loop, as those are the very last memories that I have with him now. I keep thinking about old memories, re-reading old conversations, trying to fill the void somehow, in any way. I keep trying to show myself how real everything was – all the jokes, and the laughter, the sweet little moments, the way we spoke to one another. There’s a part of me that’s so scared to forget, that I keep reminding myself. (This probably isn’t the healthiest way to go about things, but I also understand that there isn’t any “guidebook” to getting over a break up, so…)

It’s extra sad, because my first instinct is still to turn to him, to tell him how much it hurts. He’s been the person I’ve come to about everything, for the past three years of my life. But I can’t. Because he’s probably hurting too, so much, and it would be so selfish of me to turn to him when I’m the reason he’s feeling the way he is.

Every part of my heart is screaming at me to take it all back, make it right again. To focus on school while still being with him, knowing that he will support me every step of the way, encourage me.

When will I know I did the right thing? When will this stop feeling like such a huge mistake? When will I stop regretting the moment I began to feel like I needed to end this?

Everything feels so wrong. Every part of me is telling me now, that I didn’t need to do this. That instead of ending the relationship, I could have had a conversation with him first, instead of just having it with myself and making the decision on my own.
I thought that I had thought it out as carefully and rationally as I could, but maybe I didn’t give myself enough time.

Okay me. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Right now.

Listen – it hurts so much because he was the love of your life, and most likely the biggest one. You let him go so that if one day, you find your way to him again, it will be right. You will be whole, and strong, and have done everything you had set out to do, knowing you did it on your own. Whatever relationship you engage in at that point, you will never have to second guess or doubt, no matter with whom it ends up being.

It hurts so much because you’ve never loved anyone the way you love him. It was big, consuming, passionate, and raw, but also a warmth and contentment unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. But the fact that you walked away from that, and voluntarily so? It means that you know how much that love was worth. It was worth more than staying together just for the sake of comfort. This kind of love was worth risking it all so that you could find yourself, and maybe, just maybe, be able to have it again. But, also understanding that it may be lost for good. That’s HUGE. It’s scary, so scary, and that’s why you feel like you need to go back to it, because you want it so bad.

Don’t.

Find yourself first. Know yourself, love yourself, do everything you’ve been meaning to do, and do it for YOURSELF. If this love was meant for you, it will remain there, in your heart, and in his. If this love was real and true, then time will literally mean nothing. Time will heal you, let you come to terms with everything, but it won’t chip away at whatever feelings you have in your heart. KNOW THAT. What’s meant for you will always find you. BELIEVE IN THAT.

You’re going to be okay. You know that, somewhere deep inside you. You know that despite the pain, the hollow ache, that every day is going to get better and easier to get through. You also know, that the reason that he let you go, the reason that he let you walk away, is because he loves you just as deeply as you love him. He wants this for you. He wants you to be happy, to do everything you set out to do, even if it has to be done on your own. So, honor that. Honor the sacrifices that both he and you just made. Be true to it.

…holy crap, I feel so much better. I need to talk to myself more often, LOL. But honestly though – throughout all of that, I took a moment to just hug myself, hold myself, tell myself that everything was going to be okay. This year is supposed to be about self-love, and for a moment I forgot that in this pain, I could turn to myself for support, too. I kept scrambling, wondering who I should turn to, who could make me feel better. Hello… me!!!! I’m right here!!! We’re in this together!! I have everything in my power to pick MYSELF up off the ground when I’m feeling this low. DON’T FORGET THAT ME.

That was actually such an incredible break through. I’m checking my heart right now, and in all honesty, the ache has lessened slightly. I know it’s obviously not going to be that easy, and there will be days where it all comes rushing back – the pain, the doubts, the fears. But this, this log right here, on Day 4 of this year – this is where I learnt that I can always turn to me, and that I will be here for myself.

As for wanting to message him; I just thought of an idea. How about a compromise? Why don’t we type everything we wish we could say to him, in here? Just so that I can get it out. Okay? Let’s go:

…and just like that, I suddenly no longer know what I would, or could, say to him. Because after that break through, I now know that I have already said everything that I needed to say. I guess all I would want for him to know, is that I love him, so much. That this was so hard for me. That right now, I feel like I will always love him and only him. But I can’t guarantee that, and he knows that full well. He doesn’t intend to wait for me, and that’s how I want it to be. It’s how it HAS to be.

I took a little break from this log to talk to my cousins, and I’m feeling immensely better now. They also helped me to realize that I need to accept all aspects of this; because with the bad, comes the good too. All the things that I have to look forward to help so much to deal with all the bad that I know I have to get through now. Things are going to get better. It’s an inevitability.

Today was huge. Today, there was some real progress made. And because I am getting back in touch with myself and writing every day, this progress I made with myself will always be here for me to look back on, whenever I am in doubt. What I’m trying to say is – I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

There are some other things I do need to address while I’m on this log – short term plans that I need to implement for long term results. Tomorrow and Friday, I need to gather everything I was working on in regards to my petition, and get moving with it. It’s about time that I get that letter written, because I’m finally coming to terms with everything that I’ve gone through in the past five to six years. It’s time to move past it all, and do what I can for my future, for myself.

I’ve scheduled an appointment with my counselor for Friday, January 13th, so I’m looking forward to that. But, before I go see her, there are some other things that I need to do that I promised I would – I need to go to the clinic at my school, and see a doctor about my possible ADHD symptoms. Classes start on Monday, and I intend to go to every single class and tutorial.

I finally have some plans that I am ready to implement and bring to life. These changes need to happen. I need to do these things for me. But while I’m here, I need to admit something…

Now more than ever, I am so motivated to bring about these changes and get my life on track because… I dream about the day that I walk across that stage to accept my diploma. The day that I can message him again, and tell him, “I did it.” Yes, because I want him to know and be proud of me, but also… it’s because in my tiny little hopeful heart, I am hoping that he really is the one I’m meant to be with, and that in that moment, he’ll come back into my life the way he’s meant to be. I’m such a romantic, LOL.

I can’t tell you how life is going to turn out. It might take three to four years to do everything I want to do. I can’t tell what’s going to happen in that time. That day dream, that’s based on how I feel presently. It may not be how I feel in a year, or two years, or however long it does take me to get to where I want to be. I just wanted to acknowledge it out loud to myself, right now.

I’m on day five territory now, seeing as it’s five minutes past midnight, so I’m going to draw this log to a close. All I really want to say to myself is, hug yourself more.

Remember that you’re here for you, too. You’re not alone in this. You can just as easily turn to yourself, as you should. You’re going to be okay. Everything happens for a reason, and finally… don’t ever forget; patience. Be patient with yourself. Let yourself heal in the ways that you need to. Don’t try to rush any of it – just go along for the ride, accept everything that comes, the bad and the good. It’s going to be alright, just you wait and see.

Love,

Me.

Day 3 – January 3rd, 2017

So today went a lot differently than I expected, in more ways than one. I have to write this log rather quickly, and I’m also in a situation where I can’t cry as I write (as much as I would like to), so for now, I will keep it brief and hopefully find some time to write more in depth tomorrow.

So Nick came over today, as planned. It was so beautifully simple, at first. I lingered on our hello kiss, as I promised I would. I watched his eyes crinkle as he smiled at the sight of me, happy to see me as always. I breathed in the scent of his cologne, trying to imprint it in my memory as accurately as I could. We went into my living room and I allowed myself to sit there with him, as I tried my hardest to hold back my tears.

Eventually, we ended up in the kitchen, and it got to a point where I could no longer hold back my tears. He held me while I cried, the concern palpable in his eyes and on his face. He even took my hands and wrapped my arms around himself, so that I could hold him too. That made me laugh a little. I suggested we sit in the living room, so that’s where we went as I tried to gather myself.

And there, the conversation was had. I printed my logs so he could read a collected and organized version of my thoughts and feelings, because I knew there was no way I could ever, ever say what was needed to be said. And after he read everything, he simply took me into his arms again and we stayed like that for a while.

He was completely and totally understanding. He wasn’t angry, he didn’t ask me to stay, he didn’t ask me why – he just accepted everything I said, and asked me if I was okay. I told him I wasn’t, and wouldn’t be for a long time. He even said that we could remain friends, and that things wouldn’t have to change so drastically. He took everything so well, and still managed to make me laugh in one of the saddest moments I’ve ever experienced in my life.

When he left, he held me once more, and we shared one last kiss. He told me he knew I was going to do so well in school, and I appreciated that. He truly understood why I was making this decision, and I can’t begin to express how appreciative I am of him, of his immediate acceptance.

I have so much I want to say, so much to process. But for now, I’ll continue on to briefly outline how the rest of my day went – I told my mom, and her reaction… was definitely unlike anything I would have ever expected. She lectured me about how slowly I was finishing school, how my sister and I never do anything around the house, and how she was suffering and unhappy. I honestly have no idea how she managed to turn the pain of MY break up, into a catalyst for her anger.

I understand that maybe she was sad about me being sad, sad that she couldn’t protect or save me, but her resentment towards my sister and I could not come at a worse time. I’m already feeling pretty bad about myself – I didn’t need to add the feeling of not being good enough to my mom, on top of all of that. But I’m trying my hardest to remain strong.

Anyways – I really do have a lot more to say. So far, I’ve stopped myself from crying at least 10 times. I still don’t know if I did the right thing. You know the age old saying of, “you never know what you got until it’s gone”? Yeah, that’s me right now. I can’t stop thinking about how much I already miss him, miss talking to him. Okay, I can’t go there because I’m going to start crying and my mom is literally to the direct left of me.

I must say though – there’s this tiny little part of me, selfishly hoping he’ll wait for me, for as long as it takes me to do whatever I need to do on my own. I obviously want him to see other people, to be happy, to explore this world and whatever it has to offer. But, that tiny little selfish part also hopes that one day, he’ll ask me if I’m ready, because he knows deep down that I’m the girl of his dreams.

But, life doesn’t work that way. We very well may not end up together, ever again. He may very well fall head over heels in love with someone he was meant to meet all along. And the same thing could happen to me. Who knows? So, I have a challenge to myself. On April 3rd, 2017, the three month mark of today, I want to ask myself – how do you feel about him now? Did you do the right thing? Do you regret it? And, are you happy? And then, I want to ask myself again on the six month mark. Again on the ninth, and then finally, on the year mark.

I want to document just exactly how my feelings change over time, if they do. Which, I’m sure they will. Because time changes almost everything.

Anyways, I do have to leave now. Tomorrow evening, I will do an in depth analysis of everything that occurred today, my thoughts on the matter, and my feelings. But before I go, I just want to say a couple more things…

Today was probably one of the hardest days I’ve encountered, for a long while. And here I am, still standing, despite it all. Again and again, I prove to myself that I can and will be capable of handling what life throws at me. And I never want to allow myself to forget that fact. I am strong. I am trying to do better for myself. Today, January 3rd, 2017, I chose MYSELF. And so begins the rest of the changes in my life that follows, as a result. I’m proud of me.

Until tomorrow,

Me.

Day 2 – January 2nd, 2017

Hello again! I’m back, continuing on as I said I would. So far, so good. I’m sure there’ll be days where it’s more difficult to find time to write, so I definitely have to take advantage of the days like today where I actually do have the time. So, I just finished work, and I’m currently waiting for a pizza to be delivered to me (I am so freaking hungry, holy shit). It was a bit of a rough day at work – I told Nick that I wanted to see him tomorrow and he said he was available to come over for a little. This means, the conversation is imminent.

I’ve gone through a whole series of emotions today. Fear, sadness, more fear, anxiety, confusion, but I still feel like I haven’t found the acceptance part that I’m really looking for. I guess that particular part will come with time.

I cried at work today, because Chloe and Leila were talking about marriage stuff and for some reason it triggered a fresh bout of tears, knowing that I was letting go of the certainty of those kinds of ideals. Luna sat on the floor with me though, and she told me that there was no need to conform to societal ideals, and that marriage isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be – it’s a word that’s been given a lot of meaning by today’s society. And she was right. I suppose the pressure of having everything fit into a perfect timeline is a hard idea to shake, but really, I never realized how much it dictates my life and my thoughts. I don’t want a timeline anymore, how deeply I wish I could shake off this feeling that everything’s supposed to happen in a certain way, at a certain time. Or, that certain things need to happen AT ALL; like as if getting married and having kids and having a job and a house are obligatory to all those who are living this thing called life.

I forget, time and time again, that life has so much more to offer than just the fulfillment that those particular things bring. I understand that some of those things, such as having kids, can be absolutely beautiful and bring you so much happiness – but I don’t want them on the terms that society has set out for the world. I want them for ME, not because I feel like I HAVE to do it, or else life will be lacking in some way. I know for a fact that that’s not necessarily true.

Anyways, going back to my initial train of thought – so, tomorrow is the day. At one point, I told Luna that I was scared to lose him because he’s truly become one of my best friends, and closest confidantes, and the one of the only people that I make an effort to speak to on a daily basis. All in all, my comfort. He’s been there for years now. And then, she asked me why I’m breaking up with him at all, if that’s how I feel.

At first, I wanted to say “I actually have no idea why”. And then I realized, have I even asked myself that question? Have I asked myself why I’m doing this, truly? In the last log, I gave myself plenty of reasons as to why I believe it’s the right thing to do, but too often I go with the flow without stopping to truly challenge myself. So, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Why do you want to end your three year relationship with someone who gives you plenty of freedom to be yourself, space to do what you want and need, and who supports you despite all of your self-perceived short comings? 

I feel the need to end my relationship because I think that I’m very dependent on it. I don’t think I mean to be, but I am. I’m sad when he doesn’t return my kisses. The fact that he doesn’t verbally express his feelings towards me, the way I wish he would, makes me question his feelings for me. I’m insecure in this relationship on an emotional front, constantly wondering if I’m the one who loves more. I’m not comfortable with just me, and so I’m dependent on someone else to shower me with affection and attention.

I think that I need to learn how to be okay with being alone, and facing my battles on my own, before I can ever really succeed at maintaining a relationship. I’ve been dating seriously since I was 18, and I barely had time on my own as an adult. I need to know, soundly and surely, that I can live this life by myself if need be.

It’s not that I think that I can’t grow while I’m in a relationship with him – it’s that I want to know that I can grow, on my own, as my own person. That I can handle what life throws at me, without having to lean on someone else completely. I need to stand on my own two feet, before I can let someone else walk with me.

Ideally, he’s a great guy. He’s a good person, he works hard, he’s cool with me doing my own thing, super encouraging and supportive, and he’s always there for me during tough times. He makes me laugh, I love spending time with him, and we always have fun together no matter what we may do. He knows me so well, right down to my worst moods and favorite things in life. And when he wants to be, he can be so incredibly sweet.

But despite all of that, there’s a part of me that knows – if I don’t do this now, if I continue on this relationship feeling the way I do, continue on to that future that’s so unclear, I will end up resenting both myself and him. I will always wonder, did I stay out of comfort? Out of fear of being alone? Did I really push for what I wanted, from both myself and from my relationship? Will he take me for granted again, knowing that I stayed despite him doing the worst possible thing he could?

Speaking of that – there’s also now a part of me wondering if I stayed with him because I don’t (or didn’t, past tense), love myself the way I really should. All these years, I watched my mom forgive and tolerate my dad for every single thing he’s ever done to her, over and over and over. For a very long time, I admired my mom’s strength and capacity for forgiveness. Now? I wondered if she ever loved herself. She’s been sacrificing her own happiness for more years than I have been on this earth. Is that strength? Or is that a lack of self-love?

She has so many regrets. Even though she tackles every day with an unstoppable vigor and determination, in those quiet moments she has to herself, her heart is sad. She’s told me so herself. I don’t want that for myself, for her, for my future daughter, for my sister, for any woman whom I love and care about in my life.

So to bring it all back home, why do I want to break up with him? Why do I suddenly want to be alone? Because I care about him too much to remain in a relationship where I know I will end up resenting him. I would rather set us both free, free to find happiness, either together one day or apart, than stay here for the sake of the comfort it brings us both.

I came to a compromise with myself that made it hurt less – the thought suddenly appeared to me, “what if I told him that it was just for a year?” but now, a little voice is challenging back: “is that really fair to him? Fair to ask him to wait for you for a whole year, when you don’t even know what you really want from him, from the relationship? Or what you will want in a year’s time? No.”

And that little voice is right. If I’m saying it’s only for a year, then I say it’s for a year with no guarantees that I’ll come back. I say it, and tell him to date other people, be free, love someone else, do whatever he wants, and to not wait for me to return, because I don’t know if I will. This year is going to be for me trying to figure out what I really and truly want from life. Is he one of those things? Only time will tell.

Another question Luna asked me, that now my inner voice is repeating: if he hadn’t of cheated on you, would you be making this decision right now?

Honestly? I probably wouldn’t be. But would I be who I am today? No. I’ve grown, learnt so much about myself through pain, through getting through what I did. I would be blindly continuing on with this relationship, but would I be as aware of myself as I am today? I don’t know. I’ll never know. I can’t change what’s happened and neither can he. All either of us can do is make the best of what we have now.

“Self-love” is the goal of my year this year. Knowing what I deserve, knowing that I deserve to be loved the way I want, loving myself the way I deserve, allowing myself to really be happy, stopping myself from feeling guilty for wanting the things I want from life – I want it all.

I’ve been really lucky to have loved the way I have loved, in my life. And now, it’s about time that I directed that love at myself.

I know that this is going to be really hard. If it were easy, then that would mean that a) I don’t really love him, and b) I don’t really care. But if anything, this huge lump that I feel in my throat at even the slightest thought of tomorrow, proves that I do have some seriously strong feelings for him. I don’t want to lose him. The thought of being without him scares me so much that it immediately brings me to tears. I care about him very, very deeply. And that’s a huge part of why I’m doing this in the first place.

I’ve spent a year with him, learning to forgive, doing my best to heal, but not really moving forward in the ways that I wanted to. Not his fault, but my own for not making myself a priority, the way I did our relationship. Now I need time to put myself first. All I can hope is that, he loves me enough to understand where I’m coming from with all of this. I think that if he’s as good a person as I believe he is, then he’ll understand that this is what I need right now.

So, tomorrow looms closer with every minute that ticks by. I plan on lingering a little on that hello kiss, and getting a really good last look at him; the way his eyes crinkle a little when he laughs, that dimple in his left cheek when he smiles. I’ll try to memorize way he hugs me close when he’s happy to see me, and I’ll be watching for the little muscle in his cheek that I know is going to jump when he clenches his jaw, which he does when he’s upset or unhappy.

I’m going to miss him. I’m going to miss spending time with him, and talking to him every day. I’m going to miss the way he makes me laugh with his jokes, and his carefully selected memes. I hope that he’ll be okay and I hope that he’ll find out who he is as a person, without me. I’m sure he will. I hope that someday, we can talk the way we used to, but as friends. I don’t want to lose him from my life, I really and truly don’t. And I hope, that if he’s really meant to be that person for me, that one day he’ll find his way back into my life. And if not… well then, I hope that his life is filled to the brim with love and happiness, which someone else will give to him. All I want is for him to be happy.

The hardest part is just getting started. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt by living, it’s that when it comes to pain I usually find some way to take it and turn it into strength. The strength will come eventually. But for now, I’m totally okay with crying my eyes out every half hour, until it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Hehe.

Well, until my next log tomorrow. I’m assuming I’m going to have a lot to write about. Wish me luck!

Me.

 

Day 1 – January 1st, 2017

Hello self! It’s been so long since you’ve done this. I think the total times you wrote to yourself in 2016 was… actually, I think you went the entire year without writing a single thing. Oh never mind, I wrote once. Still, that’s pretty bleak. So, we’re going to do things a little differently this year. This year, this is the year that I get back in touch with myself. This is the year that I get my life together, for real. I know time is relative, but really, when it’s easy to get stuck in a rut of repeating habits and feelings, I’ll take whatever fresh start I can get.

I have been stuck, for so long, in the same place. I’d say about 6 years, to be exact. I’ve been going through the motions, working, failing in school, unable to focus, unable to do what it takes to implement change in my life. This stops now. I feel like I haven’t grown as a person in a very long time. And while I’d like to think that I’m rather mature and wise for my age, I don’t want to be someone who remains stagnant. No matter what age, life is best experienced when one is constantly changing, expanding, growing.

This log is going to be my mirror. It’s going to reflect back at me, all the ways I’m changing, all the things I’m doing to make myself better, happier, more content, more successful. It’s going to document everything I do to get myself back on track. I want to look at this log, 365 days from now, and see that I love myself in entirety. That I’ve come to terms with and have accepted my flaws, and learned to work with and around them. I want to see how I confront my deepest and darkest demons, the scariest parts of myself. I want to watch myself heal all the parts that I merely just tucked away for the sake of moving on to tomorrow.

I’m 24 now. I’m on the brink of hitting my mid-twenties. However, I fail to realize that despite all the time that has past that I’m still young. I make myself think that I’m standing on some kind of precipice when in actuality, there’s this long and possibly beautiful winding road that lies ahead of me, filled to the brim with opportunities for self-discovery and happiness. These are the years that I’m supposed to be learning about who I am, and becoming who I’m meant to be. But, I need to have an active hand in all of that, or else time will just slip by as I remain in the same place I was six years ago.

And so, here I am. I intend to write every single day, literally each and every day of this year. While I understand that that may be difficult, as these days pass by quickly when things get busy, I truly want to record everything that happens with every day that passes. Even if it’s a short log filled with mundane happenings and thoughts. More importantly, I want to record all the important things that happen, the things that add to my growth and learning. I don’t want these days to pass by me in some unseen blur, no memories to be cherished, with no moments that stand out. Because that’s literally what 2016 has become to me – a blur of time with very few significant moments, no substantial realizations or notable growth.

Actually, I suppose that’s not completely true – I finally took some control of my life by actively seeking help with counselling, something that was long overdue. The end of 2016 provided me with a couple of realizations that I definitely want to take with me into this New Year.

I’ve been in relationships for the past 6 years of my life. Two huge, monumental, serious relationships that definitely contributed to the person that I’ve become today. I’ve grown so much – through pain, through understanding, but also through happiness too. And while others may be able to expand and grow as people while in long term relationships, in all honesty, I don’t believe that I have flourished the way that I really could have. In my relationships, I’m so devoted that I put the needs of my relationship and the needs of my partner first, and myself second. In doing so, a lot of other aspects in my life have suffered, namely my education. I actively chose to put school on the back burner while I focused so much on my personal life. I even dropped out last year when I couldn’t handle the stress of Nick cheating on me.

Now, I think it’s about time that I learn how to be on my own. I’ve been thinking about it since the end of November maybe, and at first it was just a subconscious and hidden idea that I hid guiltily in the back of my mind. But as December passed, the idea began to bloom into a feeling. I think he’s kind of realized it too, because he pointed out that  I had begun to grow rather distant, I stopped engaging in the habits that I did so often, without even realizing that I was. And now? I’ve finally said it out loud, to multiple people whom I care about in my life. And I’ll say it here; I’m quite sure that I would like to end my relationship with Nick.

I say it lightly now, but there’s some things that I need to consider before I make such a serious decision. I won’t just be affecting my life, but his as well. For him, it’ll be coming out of the blue possibly. But for me, it’ll have felt like a long time coming. Something that I’ve unknowingly been preparing myself for.

It’ll probably be one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to do. There will probably be tears, and heart break, and pain for a long while after, on both ends. I need to be sure before I do this. But, I can no longer ask myself, “am I making a mistake? Is this the right thing to do?” because, somewhere deep down, there’s a little part of me that’s excited to be on my own. I want to experience all that life has to offer, but just for me. I know better now than to ask if I’m being selfish, because I know that this decision is based off of self-love, which is something that I’ve been lacking and failing to do.

I don’t think I’ve loved and taken care of myself for a very long time, or ever for that matter. But if I don’t, how can I expect anyone else to? I can’t base my own personal happiness off of anyone else in my life – it has to come from ME first. I need to learn how to do that.

My relationship with Nick does bring me happiness. He makes me happy. But it just as easily takes it away, because I don’t have any happiness of my own. I think there’s a part of me that knows that I should have ended the relationship on the day that he told me he cheated on me. But when I think about it now, I don’t regret forgiving him and continuing on in the relationship. I don’t regret it a single bit. Because, in the time that we’ve been together, I’ve been able to come to terms with what happened. Have I healed completely? I don’t really know. But, we did manage to salvage our friendship with one another. We became closer, as friends. He grew as a person, tried harder, did more, and I appreciated every little bit of effort that he showed me.

But it was sometime last year, probably just after our three year anniversary, that I realized something. I could no longer recall the last time either he or I said “I love you”. And while this may not seem like such a significant thing, seeing as he rarely says it, it was an important realization on my behalf. Before, I didn’t care if I was the only one expressing it, because I knew that he did love me, and showed me that he did in the gestures he made towards me – it was evident in his actions, most of the time. But, what was holding ME back from saying it? Why had I stopped expressing it?

And that’s when I realized… that I may have fallen out of love with him. Don’t get me wrong – the love I have for him will always be a part of my life. I will always love him, but I don’t believe that I am IN love with him anymore. I don’t know how it happened, or when it happened, all I know is that this is how I feel now. For the past couple times that we’ve seen each other, I’ve tried so hard to recall the way I used to feel – the butterflies when I saw him, the ache when I missed him, the excitement of knowing that I would see him soon. And while I still feel a nice warm glow of affection towards him, everything else just isn’t there anymore.

After all of this time, and after everything we’ve been through, we’ve become really good friends. We share the same kind of humor, I tell him almost everything that happens in my life, and he’s been so supportive of my school situation. Recently, we had a conversation about the future, where we both admitted that neither of us thinks about it. But on my end, that wasn’t true. After everything that happened between us, I tried so hard to re-envision the future that I once saw so clearly. But I can’t anymore. I don’t know how I could spend the rest of my life with someone who’s on their last chance with me. What kind of stability would we be able to find on a foundation that’s already been so weakened?

I don’t blame him anymore, there isn’t any resentment left on my end (that I know of), but trust? I still have misgivings, pangs of worry that I can no longer control. And so, with that knowledge in hand, how can we continue this without it becoming a waste of time? I want him to be happy. I want him to find someone he can start fresh with, build a new solid foundation with, with everything’s he’s learnt and taken from his relationship with me. I know that he’ll be able to make someone very happy, the same way he’s done for me. And I want the same for him. He’s always been honest with me, about everything, and so I owe him the same courtesy as well.

I would love, more than anything, to remain friends with him. After everything, I would hate to lose yet another person that I’ve become so close to. But that’s one aspect that I can’t be selfish about – if it’s too painful for him, or uncomfortable, or if he needs time, then it’s purely his decision to make. I can’t ask that of him, knowing that this decision is costing both of us a comfort and stability that we’ve both grown so accustomed to.

I don’t know if this is right or wrong – all I know is that I can feel that it’s what I need to do, somewhere in my mind and my heart. No matter how hard I try to run from it, or deny it, or pretend that it doesn’t exist, it’s there. The deep fear of losing this comfortability sometimes clouds my vision, but then realizing that I’m not being fair to him helps to clear everything up again. I need to remain honest, with both myself and with him.

Like I’ve already said – I will always, always love him. There will always be a place in my heart for him. We have so many memories together, and despite whatever monumentally bad moments we’ve experienced, we have just as many beautifully powerful good ones too. I have grown in this relationship; I have gained a strength and soundness of self that no one will ever be able to take from me. And while I don’t know what the future holds, I truly believe that if two people are meant for each other, then they’ll find a way back to one another. But right now, this is what I need to do for myself.

I don’t have any particular time frame in mind per se, I’m thinking after I talk to a couple more people and get some more perspectives on it. Also, I want to have this conversation with him too, before I finalize this decision. He deserves to have a say. I’m not saying that this decision is already done and set in stone – this log was to organize my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

I hope that I’m really and seriously taking everything into consideration the way I should be. I want to believe in my intuition, go with my gut, and do what’s best for me. Right now, underneath all the anxiety and nervousness of what I have to do, my little inner voice is saying that this is what’s right. So, I’m going to go with that.

Moving on now, I would like to outline what I want this year to look like for me. I understand that life doesn’t always go according to plan, but if I don’t have a plain, life won’t go anywhere at all. I am going to finish my petition letter and hand in my petition. I’m going to get back into psychology. I am going to continue with my counselling sessions, as I explore and attempt to unravel the negative habits that have deeply embedded themselves in my life. I am going to travel. I am going to save money. I am going to finally, after all this time, find the courage to be relatively honest with my parents regarding my education.

But above all, I am going to love myself, the way I deserve to be loved. I’m going to believe in myself, be my own best friend, become comfortable with my own company, and be a little selfish sometimes. I am going to stop caring so deeply about what other people think of me, and how they perceive me. I’m going to stop feeling guilty for the things I shouldn’t feel guilty for, and take what life has to offer me without qualms. I’m going to grow. I’m going to learn. I’m going to get my life on track.

Right now, I feel much more at peace with myself than I have in a very long time. There’s still a lot of work that needs to be done, but for the first time in a while, I’m feeling so much more confident in all the changes I want to implement in my life. I don’t know why exactly, but I can feel this year almost buzzing with possibility and excitement. I feel like it’s waiting to show me things that I never realized could be true. It’s a good feeling.

With all the major things out of the way, I’m left with nothing but the minor incessant thoughts that whirl around my brain on a loop. I suppose there wouldn’t be any harm in getting some of them out, in this log… so here goes.

I would very much love to say that none of this is relevant in my decision towards my relationship, but being honest with myself, it is. But I would like to believe that the reasons that it is relevant, merely aided me along to the decision I was meant to come to inevitably. So… I met this guy. Someone who’s kind, thoughtful, considerate, selfless – an all-around good person, through and through. When I first saw him, I had only seen his back and even then I had felt my heart skip a beat, which is pretty much crazy when I think about it now. Either way, I had written him off as very good looking, and left it at that.

But in the months that we worked with one another? We began to talk. Conversations were had that made me feel like the world fell away, and all I could hear was this person. Our conversations ranged from small chit-chat to full blown personal conversations where I ended up revealing some of the innermost details of my life. But above all this? I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me the way this person has.

There was this moment, where I had re-entered the department after break, and he happened to be standing there. And out of nowhere, he asked me, “where do you come from?” Confused, I had asked him what he meant. And he went on to explain that people like me were rare, very hard to find. He genuinely meant it, and the way he looked at me when he said it… I couldn’t understand how someone who I’ve barely known for 2 months could look at me in a way that someone I’ve been dating for 3 years never has. With the sincerest appreciation I’ve ever seen.

While working together, we talked enough to form a friendship, or so I’d like to think. I helped him pick out makeup for his god-daughter, and he tried to give me one of his free pieces for helping, which resulted in a back-and-forth exchange that still makes me smile when I think about it. We went to lunch together with Luna, where there were plenty of good conversations and laughs to be had. And then, the last time I saw him…

I don’t really know what happened to me, but I seemed to have experienced some kind of allergy attack while I was at work. And he never left my side, except when he went to get his car to possibly bring me to the hospital. He was totally selfless, and so incredibly sweet and caring. He sat with me in his car until I felt better. We talked about small stuff, and then there was this moment (that could be completely imagined on my end, who knows) where I looked directly into his eyes to thank him for everything he was doing.

And when he looked back… it felt like time froze. I could feel my heart wanting to leap out of my chest. I haven’t felt like that for someone in so long. Actually, never in my entire history of dating, have I ever, ever had even the slightest feeling for another person. Loyalty and faithfulness are so extremely important to me in every aspect of relationships possible, especially emotionally. I looked away.

All I know is, he made me realize that good people, like genuinely good people, still exist. He seems like the kind of guy who would treat his girl the way she was meant to be treated, respected, and loved. More than anything, he helped me to realize my worth. I want someone to look at me the way he looked at me, and now I know that I could have that. I could, if I just let myself. If I love myself enough to let someone love me the way I deserve, I could have everything I want. That’s why meeting him is somewhat relevant to my decision in breaking up with Nick – I want to know I can be with someone who can truly appreciate and care for me.

More than anything, if I do go through with my decision regarding my relationship, it’s going to be for me – not so I can jump from one relationship to another. I need to be alone for a while, really grow as a person. I’m just glad that I met someone who was a catalyst for some much needed self-realizations. And hopefully, I’ve gained a new friend as well.

I don’t know, I just feel like this year really has so many things to offer. So many possibilities, opportunities. And for once, I’m so excited to see what time has to offer me. I’m going to do everything I can to make the best of it, for me. So, until tomorrow. I truly do intend to write every single day, even if it’s just a sentence or two. Here’s to new beginnings, no matter how many times you have to begin again.

Me.