Day 120 – April 30th, 2017

And here we are, at the end of yet another month of this year! I can’t believe it, March still feels like yesterday. Time is truly passing by so quickly! I’d say it’s been a pretty good month. It feels like it’s passed by in a blur, but at the same time it hasn’t because of everything I’ve written here, of course.

It’s Sunday, so let me just say now that, man, I have the BUSIEST week ahead of me. I have my work shifts, but I also have training on the days that I’m off, so it’s going to be go, go, go all the way through this week until Friday, which appears to be my only real day off this week.

I have work tomorrow night but tons of stuff I have to do before my shift, during and probably after. And then I have my first training on Tuesday morning, bright and early at 7:10 AM. Lord help me.

And then there’s this Cartier party at the CN Tower that night, which I hope I can make it to, if I’m not too tired.

And then Wednesday I have training again, and then I’m hanging out with Avery after that. And then I’ve got an early shift on Thursday, but then at least I get the rest of the day to myself since I finish early, AND Friday off. Not bad! I can totally make it through this week. At least it’ll keep me busy, and not to mention distracted…

So, today.

Once again, overall, it was a perfect day. Dylan and I talked so, so much, especially when we were bored and pacing back and forth, LOL.

Did I ask him to hang out? …no, no I did not. The opportunity just, wasn’t there. Not even the opportunity I mean, just… the moment I was looking for, you know? It just, wasn’t time. BUT, Luna and I have successfully put the cottage plan in motion!

When it comes down to it, I feel like my gut AND the universe is telling me that he needs more time, and that I need to take things slowly and let things happen organically. At least I know for sure what I want now, as I keep reiterating. I can’t let anything deter me from this (unless of course, it’s not meant for me). Not pain, or fear. But time will tell all.

I like these shifts we have together. I know we’re working, but it also feels like this is the way that we’re getting to know one another. It’s super slow and it’s making me scream internally (that’s my little impatient heart for you), but at the same time, there is a part of me that likes this pace. I like that he’s being careful. It doesn’t make things easy when we talk, but I know that if there ever comes a day that he really opens up, then I’ll have earned it, you know? And that’ll be a good feeling.

So, moments from today… there were a lot of times that we talked, so I’m going to try and pick out the stuff that stands out to me, let’s see.

First of all, I need to comment on how ridiculously good he looked today. I mean, he always does, but man… whatever he was wearing today, was definitely working out well for him. (And me. LOL.)

We talked a little bit about what we did last night (he was out until 3, I was drinking wine and writing). I asked him if he had gotten the baby clothes for his god-daughter yet, which he hadn’t, and also asked him to remind me about giving him Brida for his mom later on in the shift.

We joked around a lot this shift. Like we were talking about spiders and Marilyn said she got bitten by one and he asked if she was Spiderman, which made me die of laughter. And there was this moment that I spun this wheel of fortune thing in our department out of boredom, and then just as I was about to walk away, it spun some more on its own, which he happened to catch as well. And I joked that it was the ghost of the department – a disgruntled employee died and never left this place, to which he replied, “you totally summoned it, didn’t you?” and I said I did, hehe.

Which also leads me to after the cottage talk – Mary and I were planning cool things we could do, and I suggested scary stories, which led to him asking me if I was going to summon ghosts, and I was like “yup”, and he was like “yeah, looks like I’m not going to be able to go…” which made me laugh.

I know that these moments seem super inconsequential, but looking at a bigger picture – he’s getting to know my quirks and weirdnesses little by little, which I’m glad about. I hope that me being comfortable being myself around him will make him feel the same way around me.

We talked a bit about hockey injuries and he showed me this video of a hockey player getting his neck sliced open during a game about twenty years ago, and holy crap it was fucked. But, at least I got to stand really close to him as I watched it on his phone, heh.

I think the most significant moment of today, was when he came close to me, lowered voice and all, and asked about my dad and lottery tickets, which led into a brief discussion on what I went through as a kid with my dad’s addiction – the disappearing to go to race tracks, the multiple credit cards to buy lottery tickets and more, etc. He was so fascinated, which was super endearing to me. I hate, hate that we get interrupted so frequently though man, fuck. Because by the time I end up wandering back, the topic doesn’t come up again, even if it was a good one. Sigh.

He’s doing scuba-diving lessons while he’s in Florida, because he wants to conquer his fear of open water and sharks, which is amazing. I’m so, so excited for him! I hope he discovers whatever it is that he’s searching for, even if he doesn’t quite know what that is himself.

At the end of the shift though, he went to go buy the baby clothes… with Victoria, taking his hand and leading him to the downstairs department. I can’t lie, seeing that made my gut shrivel up and my heart sink to somewhere near my feet, LOL. I just thought that, maybe he would have asked me. But I don’t know the full story, maybe she just decided she’d help him, who knows. Maybe I should have suggested it myself first, yesterday, before she had a chance to. At least I know for next time.

It made me a little sad, but it’s okay. They’ve been friends a lot longer than he and I have been friends. And, I’m not letting little things like that dissuade me either.

So, I put on my leather jacket, gathered my stuff, and waited for him to come back so that I could say goodbye. When he came back into the department, he asked me if I was all done, and I said I was, but that I waited so that I could say goodbye to him and also give him the book.

I handed it to him, and told him I hoped that Sera liked it because it was definitely different than the Alchemist (what with the witch craft and sex scenes, LOL). And then he handed me his purchase, and I looked at it, and honestly it was adorable. I told him Victoria had good taste, LOL. (Couldn’t help it, oops).

After that, I gave him a huge hug and wished him a safe flight and told him to take tons of pictures and to have an amazing time. He wished me luck with all the stuff coming up for me, and then said he’d try to have a safe flight, LOL. It was a nice long hug, at least.

Back to waiting I go!

At least I’m going to be super, super busy this week so hopefully I won’t have much time to think about it all too much.

All in all though? This weekend was nice. I like the shifts that we get to work together. I know the next couple shifts are going to feel a little weird now because I always get so used to him just being around. Sigh.

I’ll take this time to get some clarity on the situation, see what my gut’s trying to tell me I should do, moving forward. He said he’d be back some time around Mother’s Day, so at least I’ll be seeing him then.

How am I feeling though? I write this stuff like I’m writing a story or just reporting facts, but how does all of this make me feel? How am I doing?

Well, right now, I’m feeling a little anxious, but it has nothing to do with Dylan though. It’s this serving job. I don’t like how anxious new things make me man, I don’t like feeling this way. I like my mediocre job and boring life and not trying new things. It’s comfortable. But, I know that this isn’t how life is meant to be lived.

If I’m not growing, expanding, pushing myself and making myself uncomfortable from time to time, then I’m not really living.

I don’t have anything to worry about, I really don’t. I’m trying something new, and if it doesn’t work out for me, then at least I’ll have tried. All that matters is my own comfort and happiness. I’m doing this job for me, not to make other people happy. I’m glad that they’re glad to have me on their team and it was nice to be welcomed so quickly – but I’m not obligated to stay just because people have expectations of me. It’s my life. I know that.

It’s going to be tricky trying to manage two jobs. I don’t know how long the shifts are at Joey’s. But I’m going to do my best to find a way to make it work. One step at a time.

As for Dylan? When I think about him, I don’t feel anxious. Yeah, I get pretty nervous about seeing him and yes, sometimes I stumble over my words or whatever.

When I think of him, I can feel my heart pounding, skipping beats if anything. If he needs more time, then I can wait. I’m willing to wait. I just want to know, if there could be something more for us. If there can’t be, then I’m equally as happy to have a new friend. And, he’d be a good one at that, I know it.

But, slow and steady wins the race, right? I just have to keep reminding myself to be patient. But!!! To also take advantage of the little moments that do arise! Like, if I had just been brave enough to ask him if he wanted me to come pick out the baby clothes with him, then maybe that could have been me going with him, and not Victoria. And, I think my gut was telling me that that was something I should have done too. I need to listen, and learn to listen better.

Okay, I’ve really got to head to bed because I’ve got a super busy day ahead of me tomorrow.

I guess I just want to say… actually, I don’t really know what I want to say, LOL.

Actually, you know what? I’m looking forward to this new month. It’s officially the first day of May, and I think that this month is going to be very promising, and filled with amazing memories, incredible moments, and great opportunities. April was great, but May is going to be even better.

Because I’m going to make it that way.

Looking forward to this new month, warmer weather and hopefully… some moments of bravery, on my part, if need be. Here’s to seizing the day, and the month to come!

I’ll write tomorrow after my work shift. Wish me luck for this week!

Love, love, love and tons of positivity,

Me.

Day 119 – April 29th, 2017

Hello, hello! Okay so, I currently ate a lovely gift that one of my coworkers gave me recently and I’m feeling great! LOL.

I really want to type this log because I have a very pressing issue on my mind that I would like to talk to myself about with and I’m not quite sure what I’m looking to hear from myself because I have a lot of conflicting emotions right now.

Okay so. I’ll start from the beginning. I walked into the department, and he wasn’t there yet, so I settled in a little while walking around. After about ten minutes maybe, he walked in and I knew he was there before I even turned around. Like I was turning, and there he was, already approaching.

I came out from behind the desk to give him a hug, super happy to see him. I swear, I could feel like, my heart fluttering as we hugged. Actually, the butterflies started the minute I saw him.

So I did a full time shift today, and let me just say now, it was AWESOME. I love, love, love days like today because they’re so full of little moments that make me happy. Where do I even begin?

Okay let’s see. I’ll just write which ever memory comes to mind and go with that.

We talked about exams. Yes! I remember! Okay, we talked about how he had just finished exams yesterday, and how much time and effort it took to get all the assignments he had to do over with in order for him to write the exam. He mentioned that he’s going to Florida next Tuesday! I’m so, so happy for him! He’s going for eight days, and after the exam week that he’s had, he deserves this trip so much.

Depending on whether or not he did well in the class he had to do all the assignments for, he’ll either be doing summer school, or having to figure something else out. I hope he passed though, so that he doesn’t get set back!

I told him about my serving job, and he was so happy for me. And, LOL, I went through my stupid little imagined plan of how I told him that he’d be a perfect fit for a job there because of of how good-looking and charming he was. And I did it, I didn’t quite look at him as I said it but, I did. And he was so stoic. Literally NO REACTION, LMAO. He was like “thank you”, as seriously as you can possibly imagine.

I’m trying to hit on youuuuuuu!!!! Either he’s trying to avoid the advances or he’s just oblivous. OR, I’m a terrible flirt. It’s probably the latter, in all honesty. Sigh.

Anyways, the rest of the day was just as good. We talked a lot, at almost every opportunity that we could find, and everyone left us alone. No one interfered or made comments, which was nice.

Okay, moments that stand out:

There was this moment that he was walking away and I was telling myself, out loud, to calm down or something or saying something about him, and he turned around at that exact moment and caught me talking to myself. It was so cute, and so funny. I ducked away, laughing, to the other side of the glass towers so I was blocked from his view. And he leaned forward so that he could give me a jokingly bewildered look, which made me laugh even more. And then I was like, “okay, you caught me, I occasionally talk to myself.” And he was like, it’s okay, that he does too sometimes. So freaking cute.

Another was, I was standing in my house and he came over to it to ask me a question. And it was, once again, quite cute: he asked me for my opinion on what he should get his god-daughter. And when I asked her what she liked, he was like, “well, she’s one. Or three. No, one.” I’ve noticed that he gets a little flustery (like me) when we talk. A sign? Or all in my head? LOL.

Anyways, after I thought between toys and clothes, I suggested clothes because it was usually a safe bet and the clothes have the year of age on them so it made things easier. He thanked me, and headed on out. I love that he asks for advice on little things like that! I mean, he could be asking for multiple opinions, and I could just be one of many, but I still think it’s cute.

I’ve got to remember tomorrow, to ask if he ended up looking for anything for her. Maybe if I’m brave enough, I’ll go with him to look. No wait, is looking at baby clothes with someone you have a crush on weird? I think it’s weird. He’ll probably think it’s weird. Picking out makeup for his other god-daughter was a different story.

What other moments, hmm…

He was lamenting about getting a haircut, and I was like “well, what’s wrong with it” in an attempt to compliment him (because I like how it is right now) but I don’t think it went over the way I intended. Have I really gotten this bad at flirting?

Ou, I told him about Brida, and how much I liked it, but didn’t quite like the end. And I mentioned the part that boggled my mind (when Santiago’s story line crossed over with Brida’s) but didn’t tell him what it was because I didn’t want to spoil it for him.

I told him I’d lend it to him afterwards so that he could read it if anything, but I’m bringing it to him tomorrow (he’s in again tomorrow – more than I could have hoped for with this whole weekend!) so that he can give it to his mom to read, since I’ve already finished it.

He said he’s going to bring The Fifth Mountain with him on his trip so he can read it, and I told him to let me know how he liked it afterwards. I love, love that we both read, so much.

At one point, we made a friendly bet about how long it took to fly to Florida, because I was sure it was more than three and he was sure it was less. We waited for Teresa to finish with a customer, and then we asked, and turns out he was right, so I made a face at him, LOL.

Oh and I also stuck out my tongue at him when we made eye contact (which happened quite often today). Either I literally cannot help how weird I am, or I’m starting to feel more comfortable acting my weird self around him. I’m hoping it’s the latter.

I’m pretty sure I sound like the epitome of Ginnifer Goodwin in He’s Just Not That Into You, right now. Reading into things and whatever. But man, this day made me so, so happy. I love talking to him, and how much we laugh, and how insanely cute he is.

I like these little moments, okay? I know they’re only amplified in my head because of how much I like him, but I like remembering these things the way I do.

Anyways, that’s about all I can remember in my current state. If anything else comes up, I’ll make note of it. Moving past the cute moments now though. I came up with a plan that Luna implemented for me. She covertly asked Sera if Dylan’s seeing anyone, around the same moment that Dylan, Ary and I were talking and Ary was asking Dylan if he had a girlfriend.

Dylan told Ary he didn’t have a girlfriend, so that was a relief. But, what Sera told Luna? Not so much of a relief.

She told her that she doesn’t really want to get involved, but if I was going to ask him out, then it should be totally casual because he doesn’t like feeling forced or “set up” into anything.

But also that as his mom, she feels that he does have things he still need to figure out for himself. And who knows him better than her?

It kind of made me sad. Maybe it just means that our timing isn’t right now. Maybe I should wait. I keep saying I’m in no rush, so why am I in such a hurry to ask him to hang out? Maybe he will, when he’s ready?

Anyways, all of this leads me to where I am now: do I ask him, casually, to hang out after he gets back from Florida? Or, do I wait until another time, and see if we can go through with the cottage plan? (which is, inviting him along with a bunch of our coworkers to do a cottage weekend over the summer, totally casual).

The first answer that my insides kind of vibrated with was, the cottage plan. Because, I think this might just be a long term kind of thing, so why rush. I would rather organic experiences that go at their own pace, rather than trying to force things along.

I was so close to being ready to saying something this weekend, I really was. It was almost time. But, at least Sera knows now that I like him, for sure. (I’m sure she had an inkling beforehand.)

I’m not saying I’ve totally made my decision yet (although I’m about 98% sure). However, that 2% resides on whatever happens tomorrow. We’ll see, we’ll see.

It’s just, if I did ask him to hang out, I have no idea what we could do! Sports bar? Bar in itself? Downtown adventure? That arcade-bar I saw online once? I don’t know what he’d like! I don’t think I know him well enough to know that kind of stuff yet.

That was Luna’s first thing to tell me too, before she suggested to just let fear go and just, do it.

^Weirdly enough, Luna called me just as I was typing that. Omen? Perhaps it is.

Anyways, I’m starting to feel pretty sleepy now, so I think I’ll hit the hay.

I don’t know what tomorrow has in store for me. I’m tired of trying to plan everything. I’ll just go with the flow tomorrow, and if I say it, then I say it. If I don’t, then I wasn’t meant to tomorrow. In this for the long haul! No matter how long it takes. (Hopefully not long enough for him to start dating someone else, LOL.)

At least I know what I want and I’m sure now. Manifesting it? Well, that can take it’s time.

I’m going to have to read this tomorrow to see if any of it made sense.

Oh! Another cute moment I really liked! Actually two!

When he first came in and Nadine asked him which company he was with today, he was struggling to remember that he was with us. When he said my company, Nadine was like, “Ah, so you’re with the beautiful Steph today.”

And he agreed, looked at me with a smile and was like “Yup, I’m with the beautiful Steph today”, which made my heart skip a beat, hehe.

And later on today, Ary was jokingly telling me to approach a guy customer and to “work my goods” and like adjust my shirt and stuff to make a sale, right in front of Dylan. I laughed it off, but Dylan was like, “nah, she doesn’t need to do that kind of stuff to make a sale”, while looking at me (so cute) to which I thanked him for.

Luna keeps saying that it’s obvious he likes me back, but I’m not going to believe it until I hear it directly from him, LOL. I just, want to know for sure.

Luna did mention that Sera said that he said that when he does get into a relationship, he’d give it is all. 200%, not even 100. And that’s nice to hear, because I usually do that too, and man what a nice change it would be to have the exact same effort returned back to me, for once. A girl can dream.

I’m so glad that I get to see him tomorrow. Hopefully he’ll have hours for Mother’s Day too. It’s nuts how every time I see him, might be the last for a long time.

I’m lowkey nervous about my serving job. I hope I can do it. If not, I’ll quit and take up cashiering at a grocery store for a couple hours a week, LOL. At least I’m giving it a try, right? We’ll see how things go.

I’ll write tomorrow after my shift! Wish me luck, world, universe, fates, life, love. I don’t know, once again, what tomorrow holds for me. But, I’m excited. I always am these days, and I’m glad that I am.

Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

Day 118 – April 28th, 2017

What an amazing past couple days it’s been so far! I can feel my energy just radiating out of me right now, boucing off of others and just increasing every minute. It’s so good, so great, so strong! The more self-aware I become, the more conscious I strive to be, the higher my energy seems to get! I’m in such a good place right now. I’m not afraid. I am happy, and I am excited for what’s to come, now that I know what I know.

So last night… I’ve got to talk about last night.

Last night, I read some of my old logs, about the last time I saw Dylan, which was beginning of April. The window was open, and I could feel the breeze coming through, cooling my room. I could see the night sky, the inky indigo purple-blue that was tinted a soft orange because of the street lights. And all of a sudden, I knew that I wanted to talk to the universe.

In Brida, both Wicca and Magus told Brida to take care of the way she spoke and what she spoke out into the world, because word is power and once a thought is spoken, it manifests somehow. So, what about word spoken with true intention? Such as prayer? So I sat by my window, looked up into the sky… and sat in silence.

I was scared at first! I didn’t want to say something without really thinking it through. So I settled for some reflection. I asked myself questions, really quitened my mind so that I could hear my inner voice speak to me, the one that knows all.

It asked me what I wanted. What I really, really wanted. Why was I sitting there, what did I want to ask the universe exactly?

So I thought about it. Of course, I wanted to know about Dylan. But that was too simple of a statement. How could I say that out loud, full of intention? So I thought a little deeper.

What was holding me back from speaking out loud? I didn’t know what I wanted. If I was going to say something, I wanted to know that I meant it, with all of my being.

So then I thought about what was holding me back from knowing what it was that I wanted. And then I realized… as much as I like Dylan, I never once said out loud, that I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. Why?

I thought about that. Fear came up. I was scared that if I invested my time in this, and in him, that it would prove fruitless. My past relationships, although they were amazing lessons that I would not trade for anything, have left me with a slight fear. I definitely have more to learn, but I wouldn’t want this to be just another lesson. That’s what this feels like to me.

So I finally asked myself – do you want a relationship with this person? Is there real intent to your feelings?

I imagined the moment I met him. Seeing his back from afar, the leather jacket, the way my heart skipped a beat, even though he was walking away from me and not toward me. I pictured the moment we were finally introduced. I know memory isn’t always reliable, but it really did feel like time slowed as he leaned forward to shake my hand. Was that just me? I don’t know. But that’s how it felt.

I thought about the moments that have stood out to me – the moment I walked back in to the department and he caught my eye, and asked me where I came from, when he told me that people like me are rare to find and that I was way, way too nice. I remember asking him if that was a bad thing, and he said no, it was good. I remember smiling as I walked away from him.

I thought about the moment in his car – I could practically still feel the coolness of the apple juice bottle between my hands, the condensation against my fingertips. I remembered just looking right at him, straight into his eyes, and thanking him as genuinely as I could, for everything he was doing for me. And when he looked back, it felt like time stood still. I had to look away.

So then, I put aside the fear, and I imagined what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. I pictured getting to know him, outside of work. I pictured the would-be conversations, the talks we’d have, the possible laughter. I pictured the forehead kisses, affection. Dates, who knows where, but full of fun and adventure. The way he’d look at me. The same, but also different. It made me happy. It made my heart warm.

Then, I brought back the fear and imagined the worst. The possible arguments, the disagreements. The pain that comes with caring about someone deeply, sometimes.

But, the good outweighed the bad, ultimately. And so, there I was. I finally knew what I wanted to say.

I opened my eyes and looked up into the sky. I addressed the universe, and began to slowly speak. What came out first, was my core four values. I established what I wanted, in a partner.

I said I wanted adventure, someone who would travel the world with me, discover every corner and every mystery so that we could marvel at it together. Fun and laughter would be a constant.

I said that I wanted a partner who was compassionate and selfless, in everything they did, towards everyone they met. That their kindness would speak for itself, and this person would be known for it.

I said I wanted a partner who was independent, who enjoyed their own company and would in turn, inspire me to be independent as well. Someone who knew what they wanted from life.

And lastly, I spoke out into the universe that I wanted a partner who is affectionate. Someone who craved intimacy the way I do, someone who couldn’t get enough of me, who would always kiss me, and find some reason to touch me.

As I was speaking these values out into the world, the light on the house in front of me turned on. I quickly scanned around to see if anyone was around who made the light go off, but there wasn’t a soul in sight. Something in me knew, that it meant that someone was really listening. The universe was hearing my words. So I began to speak, looking into the light.

I concluded my four values, promising I would not settle for anything less than what I deserved. But…

I asked, as kindly as I could, that if Naif was this partner that I’ve been searching for, if he could possibly be this person, to show me. I was ready.

And then, I addressed him directly. I told him if that he could hear me somehow, well then I wanted him to know that I like him. That I’m here, I’m ready to see if this could go somewhere, and that if he wasn’t ready then that was totally okay, but if this was meant to be something worthwhile, then… I’m here. I know what I want now. I’m ready.

I thanked the universe for everything it’s brought to me so far, and said that I was grateful. Right as I was ending my prayer, the light went off on the house in front, as if someone or something knew.

I truly do believe in omens, more than I ever have in my entire life. I won’t stop looking for them anymore, I will always be listening. I haven’t had this kind of faith in… anything, in a very long time. But I know differently now.

So that was my night last night. It was beautiful, and I felt such an amazing energy that travelled over into today during my work shift.

Marilyn and I had a lovely talk about soul mates, and I told her about everything Brida taught me about them. And I have this feeling, that her and Dave are soul mates. I haven’t seen them together, but there’s something in me that just knows that they managed to find each other, and that they were meant to.

Sometime after coming back from our little break, I just asked Marilyn if Diana was in today, and she wasn’t. And after that, she casually (and I mean casually – no inflections, no teasing) mentioned… that Dylan is in tomorrow.

It took everything, literally everything I had, to not react and to change the topic. Because for sure, if I hadn’t of been able to control myself, my face would have lit up bright than a Christmas tree on Christmas morning, and I know it.

I had literally no idea, and no hope, that he’d be in this weekend. I was so, so sure of it. But… he is. I’m going to see him. My heart was leaping out of its chest and my smile was so big for the rest of my entire shift. Diego noticed, of course, LOL. I literally couldn’t help the glow. Sigh.

I’m worried because I’m scared we won’t get a chance to talk tomorrow the way I would like us to, because tomorrow is gala and it’s going to be really busy. But, he’s going to be in for a while, so that’s nice. At least I’ll just get to be around him, if anything.

But in my heart of hearts? Now that I know what I want for this, now that I know that my feelings have real intent and purpose… there’s a very big part of me that would somehow like to convey to him, that I like him. It’s not that I’m in any rush to move things along, now that I know what I know. It’s just that… I’m certain now. I know I am. It took me a little while to get here.

I imagined myself making him aware of my feelings tomorrow, not outright, but not subtly either. It made my heart race, in a good way. I’m not scared anymore. Because, even if it turns out that he doesn’t feel the same way, or that he’s not looking for anything right now, at least he’ll know. At least, in my own way, I will have tried. And that’s good enough for me.

I haven’t felt like this about anyone in the longest time. Not since Aiden. And that was at least seven years ago. I learned to like Don, and let myself fall in love with Nick. But this is different.

I’m happy that I know what I want now. It takes away from the wishy-washyness that uncertainty brings. I know the universe doesn’t do well with half-formed intentions.

I have no doubts about what I want to do tomorrow. I just, need the opportunity to present itself. And if it does, I hope I see it for what it is. If I don’t get it, if I don’t see it, then maybe it’s meant to wait for a next time. I’m going with whatever happens tomorrow. No matter what, no doubts. No fears. For once, I mean it for real: I’m all in.

I got the job that I wanted in the place I asked for. I spoke it out loud into the universe, and it manifested. I know the power of spoken word now. I believe in the higher vibrations of this universe. I’ve never known anything more than I know this.

I want to keep this awareness and consciousness going. I crave it almost as much as I need the air I breathe. It has to continue. I must keep moving upwards into this and see what life can bring me.

Well, that’s about it for today! My shift went great, I need to get my smart serve, I need to finish my petition and hand it in, I need to get my G2, and I need to start learning everything I was meant to learn before my training on Tuesday. But no rush, no stress and no worries. I’m happy. I’m truly, truly happy. It makes me want to cry. It’s amazing what loving yourself can do to transform your life.

I’ll write tomorrow after my shift. Universe, Fates, the Powers that be, and Me… wish me luck. We’ll see what manifests tomorrow. Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 117 – April 27th, 2017

Hello! So today was a fantastic day spent at home. I gathered my courage and called Caroline and asked for reduced hours, and she agreed! Yay! I can keep both my jobs! Now to learn how to do both… let’s see how things go! I could use the money in all honesty.

Anyways, I read outside, got some sun, relaxed. It was really nice to just be on my own and enjoy my own company, I really love it so much.

I finished Brida and… I don’t know, I think I need to re-read the end. Like, I understand why she didn’t end up with her soul mate, I do. But in my heart, it’s what I wanted for her. So many people spend their entire lives searching for the person who will complete them in every way. How could Magus just let that go? I know that finding your soul mate is like finding a precious flower, a flower that cannot be possessed. The metaphor was that, if he held onto her, like picking a flower, it would die. Rather, a flower was something to be admired and loved without holding onto, so that it could thrive and live. And that’s a beautiful metaphor, it really is. But, couldn’t he still be with her without possessing her?! Couldn’t they come together, better one another, and rejoice in the fact that they found one another?

I guess in their case, Magus had more to teach others, he was chosen to be a teacher and to continue on that way. And Brida had found one of her soul mates, someone that SHE completed in every way. And she loved him, and he accepted her for everything that she wanted and everything that she was.

Still. The eternal romantic in me pouted. It wasn’t the ending I was expecting, but it was the ending that was meant to be for them. I guess it was just that I saw a lot of myself in Brida, and I hoped for a happy ending for her… my own happy ending, I suppose. She did have a happy ending though, ultimately – she completed her ceremony, received her gift, and was still with a man who was one of her soul mates who would always be with her and make her happy. She saw the light that shone in his eyes.

Speaking of, that light… I’m so, so intrigued. I want to tap into those things, even though they kind of scare me. I want to see the point of light over my soul mate’s left shoulder, I want to see this “light” in the eyes of the person I was meant to find in this life. This is the most self-aware and conscious I’ve ever been in my life so, maybe, just maybe, I’m on that path? One can only dream.

Reading Paolo Coelho’s words is a magic in itself. I felt like I entered another world, it was almost trance-like. I love, love the way he writes, the way he spins his tales. Omg, Santiago was in this book! Brida and Magus’ paths crossed over with Santiago’s, which I thought was an absolutely beautiful part of this book. It made my soul happy.

Just like The Alchemist, this book brushed by my soul, light as a feather but with the weight of the world.

I can’t wait to read the others! I’m so happy right now, with everything that is entering into my life. I want to keep all of this positivity going, as I continue to eradicate the negativity from my life.

Anyways! I think that’s all for today. I have the urge to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, because Olivia is in Disney World and she snap-chatted me the ride, LOL. How I adore that movie franchise. It started my deep love of all things freedom and life lived to the fullest at the young age of eleven. Maybe I was a pirate’s wife in another life, LOL! Who knows.

I’m excited for work tomorrow! I have a great feeling about this weekend. Looking forward to everything these days are bringing! I’ll write after my shift. Until then,

Love always and all around,

Me.

Day 116 – April 26th, 2017

So, I got the job within ten minutes of the second interview with the GM, LOL. That being said… WOO HOO! go me, go me, go me *victory dance*. Everything feels so surreal. I waited maybe about half an hour. Caroline talked to me for like five minutes out (probably as a formality) but it was very casual and she wanted me to meet the GM right away.

He was really nice, very straight forward and professional. Caroline told me to be myself, so I made myself more comfortable and answered his questions as honestly as I could, and I think that’s what actually made me get the job! He liked my personality, demeanor, that I was very self-aware and how friendly I was.

But man, it was a little overwhelming to be taken on so quickly. There wasn’t much structure or paper work, I asked how many hours a week and it’s more so “shifts” per week, and I committed to full time without really thinking things through.

Now I realize, I don’t want to leave my current job. If I can work a couple shifts here and there at the restaurant, I’ll be making extra money on top of what I get from the my current job, AND I’ll still get to keep my job since it’s so close by. They’re right next to each other, a walk away! It’d be perfect.

So tomorrow, I’m going to call Caroline and ask if I can commit to less hours. If that’s a no-go, it’s okay. I think the idea of leaving is what made me realize, that I don’t want to leave. I can handle the pressures of my current job. But I’m not ready to gamble it all and risk losing a job I really like, just because I want more money.

We’ll see how the call goes tomorrow! It’s nice to know that I was wanted so quickly. I feel bad for being so wishy-washy, but everything happened so fast and everything has been so up in the air for me, I just want to make sure I’m doing what’s best for me, BY me. Jobs will come and go but my happiness should always be my priority and my constant. I know that now.

Anyways, I have tomorrow off so I’m going to do my smart serve, and study up on all the restaurant stuff that Nate (the GM) wanted me to learn by the time training came around. I’ll give Caroline a call, explain what I’d like in regards to a compromise if possible, and apologize for any inconvenience. At least I know now, that if I want another job, I can have it. I think I just needed to know that.

I had a good work shift today! I caught up with Luna, which was nice because I missed her. And I heard about Daniella’s date, and I’m so happy that she’s met such a gentlemanly guy, very old fashioned and chivalrous.

I treated myself to three new Paolo Coelho books today, which I’m excited to delve into. I got head to toe goosebumps at one point because the main character’s name in one of the books is EXTREMELY similar to my own. And, as I read further into it, she sounds so much like me. She feels like she doesn’t finish anything she starts, she’s searching for something but she doesn’t quite know what it is, and the idea of her soul mate is always on her mind. There’s magic and romance and mystery and the aura of an adventure that she’s about to embark on and I can’t help but feel that I was meant to pick up this book at this time, I’m not sure why. But, I’m glad that I did.

Anyways, I think that’s about it for today! Olivia’s gone to Florida, so it’ll just be me at home for a little while.

Oh, one more thing mulling around in my mind that I need to vent about, as per usual.

I don’t really know how to collect my thoughts on this anymore. Because, it’s the same old loop, over and over, the same back and forth. It’s not annoying me per se, because some times I have new realizations that bring me peace, and then I suddenly become impatient all over again.

That being said, I know that this isn’t really a big deal, hence why it’s mostly on the back of my mind. I’ve been trying to practice the idea that I am not my thoughts, so I haven’t been attaching much weight to them as I normally would, or so I’d like to believe. That being said, I don’t know which of my thoughts to… believe? What is my personal truth when it comes to this matter? I think a lot of different things, but which thoughts are the ones I really abide by?

Look at me, getting so caught up in my head once more.

Leaving all the rhetoric behind now, I’m talking about Dylan, LOL. (As if that wasn’t obvious…)

I’m so impatient, and then I’m not, and then I am again, and then I’m okay with waiting, and then I don’t know what I’m waiting for, and then I want to tell him how I feel, and then I wonder, “what if he doesn’t even like me like that? What if he doesn’t see me that way? What if, I lose whatever potential for friendship we could have had by making things weird?” and then my mind goes “but, what if he DOES like you, but doesn’t think he has a chance with you? What if you’re being TOO friendly?”

So there. That’s what I mean by, what is true? What is right? What thoughts have even the slightest bit of accuracy to them?

And then I wonder, “why do I like him so much!? How did this even happen, when we don’t even talk as much as I wish we could?! Have I just fallen for the idea of him?!” but then I tell myself, “No, because we’ve left the ideals behind now. We know he’s just a normal human being, significantly younger with probably a lot to learn still.” To which my mind replies, exasperatedly, “SO THEN!? If we know that, then why does this feel so important to us?! Why can we picture future scenarios so clearly!?” But to that, I know that the mind projects scenarios in an attempt to control our reality, to create storylines and take away from the idea that things are actually out of our control. We spend so much time trying to fool ourselves into believing we can control things, instead of using our time to come to terms with the idea that we don’t quite have control, but that that’s okay.

A little voice says, “maybe it’s so important because we just, genuinely care about him.” Aw man. You know, I actually do. Even if he and I don’t talk a lot – Sera keeps me updated on some of the things going on in his life, and in all honesty, I genuinely like hearing about it. I was glad that he was able to do his exam (however, the conditions in which he was able to was nothing short of painful – he’s had to complete every single assignment ever given since the start of the term in the span of this past week).

I was sad to hear that he’s been unwell, and that he couldn’t partake in his tournament like he wanted to.

I actually genuinely like him, as a person, not just him as an idea. I would have loved to get to know him better, I just… I don’t have the courage to actually ask him to hang out. I’m not even sure how to go about doing that. I don’t even know what it’d entail, or where to start.

Which again, is probably all in my head. I think things went well when we hung out at the Starbucks in Waterloo. I liked our dynamic, that we talked the whole way through, the stories he told me about his cousin’s roommate.

I liked how things were at the concert too, even with my sister and his friend being there. We’re pretty intellectually compatible, we’re able to talk quite a bit when we see each other, and he makes me laugh.

I guess I wish we saw each other more often. He doesn’t work much, and I know he doesn’t really like it anyways. But without us working together, we don’t have very many opportunities to see each other.

I guess, the amount that we did talk and see each other during our shifts together, it was enough. It was enough to make me want to know which parts of him still aren’t healed, be it from what’s happened between his parents and what’s happened to him directly with the girl who messed him up. It was enough to make me want to know what his deepest fears were, or biggest triumphs so far, or the innermost dreams he’s never told a soul about.

It was the butterflies I got the minute I saw him enter the department, the gigantic mega-watt smile I couldn’t hide when we said hello. It was the endless conversations, only stopped by interruptions, about everything and anything and whatever else in between. It was the little moments here and there that he let me in, even just an inch or two, when he confided in me about stuff. It was the deeper conversations that came about as a result. And the eye contact, that made me feel… something I haven’t really felt in a long time.

So yeah. I do know how, and why, I got like this.

Wow, I really like dissecting things, LOL. Sigh.

I just don’t know what I’m going to do about these feelings. I know somewhere deep down, I don’t have to do anything – I could and should be content to just, let things happen as they do. It’s the fact that nothing’s really happening, that’s driving me nuts! But then I’m too scared to do anything about it as it is. Which leads me right back to square one, stuck with the feelings, all up in my own head.

I’ve been trying to emulate my new fearless alter-ego, in all aspects of my life. Chasing after this new job, being open to meeting new people (which I was), saying “no” more often”, not settling for less and fighting back. So why am I so scared about telling this guy that I’m attracted to him?

Well, the little voice in my head has plenty of “what if’s” ready to go: “What if you tell him, and it makes him feel like, under pressure or weirded out or obligated or something like that? I don’t know! Like, what if he’s not really looking to be with or start talking to or see anyone right now, and then what if you tell him? Then what? What if that ruins your friendship and makes him all weird around you? What if it’s just not time to say anything? What if things turn out badly? What if you invest your time in this and it’s not meant for you?”

Yup, what if after what if.

But let’s flip those now, make them positive.

What if, you tell him you like him, and it makes him really happy because he actually likes you too? What if, you just mention that you guys should hang out some time, and things actually progress because YOU decided to finally take that step forward? What if, he’s not pursuing this because he genuinely thinks he has nothing to offer you? What if, he’s not pursuing this because he actually has NO IDEA that you’re into him, despite you thinking that you’ve been obvious?

I don’t know which what if’s are more likely. The part that wants to protect myself, my “logic” I’d call it, says the negative ones are more likely, an opinion based off of past experiences and… a lack of confidence in myself, I daresay? Interesting.

But my heart, and me, the little voice that hopes, my inner child… we’re all rooting for the positive what if’s. The what if’s that sound almost too good to be true, the fairytale ending’s, the happily ever afters.

I don’t even know if we’d be compatible on that kind of level. But I want to know.

Therein lies the… solution, can I call it that? The… simplicity of all of this mumbo-jumbo.

The real question here is: how badly do I want this?

Do I want it enough to set my fears and negative what-if’s aside, accept that they can in fact be realities, but go through with it anyways? And by “it” I mean taking the first step, if need be. Do I want to get to know him and really see things through, even though things could possibly turn out that we’re just not good for one another? Am I willing and ready to possibly sacrifice time, effort and my emotions by investing myself in this?

So there. Those are the questions I need to ask myself the next time we see each other. If the answers come to me, whatever they may be… then, I’ll act accordingly. I promise myself this. Okay Steph? Okay.

It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve seen him last and I still don’t know when I’ll be seeing him next. I was hoping that maybe he’d get hours for Gala, but I haven’t heard anything from anyone and now I know it’s way too dangerous to poke my nose around with certain people because of how quickly Sam was able to catch on. I think it had to have started with my asking her about him and his hours, maybe a little too often. Plus, she’s really very quick, so there’s that.

So, it is what it is. I’ll see him when I do. Maybe he’ll have hours for Mother’s Day? That’s in about two weeks, and I think that’s enough time for me to settle down with my crazy thoughts and feelings and prepare myself for whatever answers come to me, to the questions I know I have to ask myself when I see him.

Okay, that’s about all I can say on this matter without getting repetitive. Somewhere deep down, I know it’s really not as big as I’ve made it to be in my head. Somewhere deep down, I know that whatever’s meant to be when it comes to this, will be. I just… somehow, someway, I have to just let it happen.

I think I’ll head to bed now and get some rest. It’s been a long eventful day! I’m proud of myself though. Remember, when the anxiety about the new job comes up, just remember that you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to, and that any establishment would be lucky to have YOU. Don’t settle for less than what you’re worth in any aspect of your life. I love you.

Thanks, me! I love you too.

Off to bed now! I’ll write sometime tomorrow. Until then,

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 115 – April 25th, 2017

Hello! So, I have my interview with the restaurant tomorrow! I messaged Caroline with my availability for next week, and she asked me if I’m free tomorrow and I told her I am after work so, that’s that. I got to edit and print out my resume tomorrow morning and then I’m heading over right after work. I don’t know if I’m going through to my second interview with Nate, the general manager, right after seeing her, but we’ll see. Chances are, tomorrow’s the day things change! I’m crossing my fingers and waiting with bated breath.

I’m not nervous per se, I’m excited. No matter what happens, I know that it’s meant to be. Even if I don’t get it. But, I’m hoping for the best. So we’ll see.

I know it’s going to be hard. But really, I need the money. I promised myself I would work hard this summer, so that’s what I intend to do. Time to really be responsible.

I guess I should head to bed so I can get a proper sleep, I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

We’ll see how tomorrow goes. Wish me luck! I’ve got a really good feeling about this. Change is in the air, and I’m embracing it and telling fear to take a hike. I have no room for fear in my life, only moving forward, no matter what may happen. I’ll write tomorrow once I get home.

Until then,

Love,

Me.

Day 113 + 114 – April 23rd & 24th

Wow. Wow. I don’t even know where to begin! So much has happened in the span of these past two days. All good stuff though! Things are happening a little quickly though, like my intentions are manifesting so much faster than I thought possible and it’s a little unsettling (because comfort is the enemy of progress, of course) but it’s okay. I really think the omens are pointing me in the right direction, and I promised to listen.

Okay so, to back track. I’ll start with yesterday, which was Sunday April 24th, 2017. Rose ended up messaging me about going to Maple Leaf’s Square for the game after all, so I went with my gut and decided to go. I was a little bit hesitant because of the talk that my mom had with me the night prior, but inevitably, I’m glad that I did go.

The energy in that square was astounding. It was so positive, so vivacious, so effervescent and contagious. The air was full of hope, warmer than the sun on our backs in the afternoon. I am so, so happy that I got to be a part of that. The thrill of the amazing saves and even the anxiety of the near-goals. And when the Leaf’s did score? I screamed so loudly my throat became sore! I couldn’t help it – the energy of that crowd really makes you feel like you’re a part of something bigger.

Even though it was a loss in the end, I’m grateful that I got to experience the real passion that Leaf’s fan base has. They may have just gained a new fan too, in me. Hockey really is probably the most exciting and entertaining sport to watch, and I would love to keep up and learn more about it, as humbly as I can of course. I know sport’s fans hate “bandwaggoners” so that’s not what I’m trying to do – I’m genuinely interested in learning more. I’m in it for the long haul.

Anyways, after the game ended, our all-night downtown adventure began. We walked so much – down Bay, to Queen, to Yonge and Dundas, to Church, and back. We ended up at this Firkin pub called “The Churchmouse” in the pride village. The food was delicious! I had perogies, Carrie had curry and Rose had an amazing three cheese artichoke dip. We also split a sangria pitcher amongst the three of us, which was a nice treat.

After that, we headed to Denny’s and proceeded to kill most of our time there with good conversations and endless free coffee refills. Carrie and I even threw in a milkshake around 3 am just for the heck of it. Our server was so, so nice, so I left him a huge tip that hopefully made his night, the exact same way that he made ours.

Around 6 in the morning, we walked back to the union terminal so that Rose and Carrie could catch their bus back to Waterloo, and I decided to head to Harbourfront so that I could catch the sunrise before I headed home.

I’m so glad I did. It was cold, and my hands were freezing, but man. The wind coming off of the lake. The sound of the birds but also the silence and stillness underneath it all. It was so peaceful. I’ve never experienced Harbourfront like that before. I’ve seen it full of life, bustling with people trying to hunt Pokemon and tons of families heading for a day of fun on Center Island.

It was a nice and welcome change. I let myself breathe in the crisp morning air, sitting on a gigantic picnic table situated on the top of the highest hill close to the harbour, over-looking the tops of the ferries.

After a while, I headed to a the Tims in the heart of the city in front of Nathan Phillips, just to kill some time with a green tea. Once enough time had elapsed, I finally head home.

All in all, amazing day, night AND morning. Oh, and to top it all off? Dylan snapchatted me for the first time in a little while, after seeing my Leaf’s-filled snap story. It led to a brief conversation about our mutual good feeling about the game, and also Eminem songs being an omen. Not too much, but still, it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. More on this topic later.

Now, I have to talk about the events of this morning (Monday, April 24th). I was watching the Office, thinking about how I could go about being more productive with my day. I can’t recall now if I got opened the Smart Serve site first and THEN got the message, or vice versa but…

Turns out, that this upscale restaurant very close to where I currently work now has been recruiting for the past two weeks. And a girl I used to work with at my current job, who now works for that restaurant, had been thinking of ME recently for a position!! And she hadn’t contacted me, but then Diana went for dinner and told her that I WAS interested in joining the industry. So, that girl, Caroline, messaged me today, which led to a phone call, and well, I’m basically set for a tentative interview this Thursday!

I simply can’t believe in coincidences anymore. Just the way everything unfolded when it came to this. It probably hasn’t even been a full week since I’ve spoken my intention out loud, with real purposeful energy. But somehow, it’s already managed to manifest itself. The signs appeared, the omens are calling. The universe has worked its magic again, and here I am, directly witnessing and experiencing it all, futher solidifying what I’ve come to know and believe about the way the universe really works.

At first, I was a little unsettled with how quickly things were unfolding. But now that I understand where the fear was emanating from, I’ve been able to feel a little bit more comfortable with the idea of it all.

The fear comes from the idea of change. The idea of sacrificing the comfort that my current job has given me for the past two years. Working there has been one of the easiest and most comfortable jobs I’ve ever had in all my experiences of working. The idea of letting it all go, throwing myself into the unknown once more, sacrificing that comfort – that’s what was throwing me off. But you know what?

I just recently did exactly that, and all of these logs are proof of how well things turned out for me. I left my three year relationship, possibly the biggest comfort I’ve ever known in my life, because my intuition, my inner voice, was telling me too. And once agian, the inner voice has been speaking, telling me that it’s time to go, and I’m going to listen.

Will this opportunity be what’s best for me? I have no idea! I could hate it. I might have to work harder than I ever had. But all I know is that it’s time to go. This is what I’m meant to do in my life, right now. So, I’m listening to my intuition.

On the bright side, at least I’ll still get to see my coworkers! I won’t be so far from them. I won’t be working directly with them anymore, but I’m hoping I’ll still get to see them from time to time.

Anyways, that’s about everything for today! Oh wait, one more thing – when my mom came home, I told her about the changes I’m planning on implementing in my life, and her reaction, as per usual, wasn’t what I was hoping for or expecting. She always manages to voice her fears and doubts, her discouragement at what she believes to be my failures are. I know it comes from a place of care and fear, I know. I don’t think she knows much about positive reinforcement, or positivity in general. But that’s okay. I can get that from myself! And other people in my life. And you know, now that I know about the relationships between some of the people I know and THEIR parents? I can’t really complain. I may have gotten a lot of pressure from expectations on time frames and negativity, but there’s always been love there too.

We’re going to go to High Park now, to go see the cherry blossoms at the peak of their blooming, so that should be nice. I’m going to go get ready now! When I get back, I’ll register for my Smart Serve and get started on that so I can chip at it, little by little. I work tomorrow afternoon, so I’ll do a little more of it in the morning before I go. I’ll write tomorrow after my shift, I can’t forget and go to sleep!

Love,

Me.

Day 111 + 112 – April 21st & 22nd, 2017

Hello! Okay so I didn’t get a chance to write yesterday because things got really busy, and then I came home today briefly but left to work within an hour. Man, time is flying these days.

So yesterday went great! Lianna came over to dye Olivia’s hair, and we watched 50 Shades Darker and ate pizza. Olivia’s hair turned out amazingly, of course; Lianna is so freaking talented at what she does.

After that, I headed over to Leila’s, and I cooked dinner for them and we finished an entire bottle of wine, LMAO. And then later on, we started drinking straight whiskey on the rocks. It was a good night, I love hanging out with them. My best friends make my heart happy.

Today went well too! I had a work shift and Lianna and Marilyn closed with me, so it was fun.

I sat outside by myself for a little while today. I was wondering, asking my inner self, my intuition – why now? Why does it feel right to leave, all of a sudden? The more I say it out loud, the more I know it’s meant to happen. I’m risking a lot though – the stability, the flexibility of the shifts. I’m sacrificing the ease of this job, being able to basically hang out all day with people I genuinely like, just because I want to make more money.

Not to mention, if I were to just be more financially responsible, I probably could have saved money quite efficiently with this job as it is. I have no expenses – no car payments, no mortgage, no rent to pay. Just a phone bill every now and then. So, why?

I can’t explain it, but there’s this… it’s this feeling, that the universe is shifting and this is what I’m supposed to do for myself now. No matter the risk, no matter sacrificing the comfort. No matter what happens, I’m going to be okay, I know that within me. But it’s just time. The time has come.

It makes me feel good, to think that I’m leaving. I’ll miss my coworkers so much, because they’ve become like a second family to me. I’ll miss the routine, the stability and the safety that the comfort of this job provided me with. But, I wanted to take this summer off to really work hard so… that’s what I got to do. This job is easy, and I’ve been very lucky. Even if I did become more financially responsible – I need more money, I just do.

And one day, I know I am well-liked by enough people to maybe be able to come back as a demo. Maybe not right away, but at least this won’t be goodbye forever.

That way, my hours will be even more flexible, and I will be able to focus on school the way I should.

I’m just going to continue to go with my instincts on this. I know they won’t lead me wrong, because I’m really trying to listen to myself now, more than ever. This self-awareness isn’t going anywhere, I promise that to me.

Anyways! Something else I wanted to talk about – earlier on this week, the cute guy that I met Drake Hotel asked me to hang out some time, and I didn’t reply because I wasn’t really into it, in all honesty. So, he messaged earlier today saying “I’m guessing that’s a no? lol”

In all fairness, I did ghost, right after saying I felt we had a bit of a connection, which isn’t really fair of me. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me either. So I can either adult-up, be mature and message him saying I’m not really into seeing anyone at the moment. Or, I can just leave the message me, read it eventually and not reply.

I tried to imagine myself going to hang out with this guy, as casually as possible even, even if it was just like a friendly hang out and not a date. But… I don’t know. I’m not scared, that’s not the feeling that comes up. I’m just, not… looking? I’m not trying to date anyone else right now. I’m not interested in getting into any kind of relationship with anyone at this moment, even if it was just casual and not serious.

I had a realization the other day, and it’s this: this is the happiest I’ve been, on my own, in the longest time. I’ve been so, so incredibly happy just being with me, spending time with me, living for me and doing my own thing.

Yes, I miss being in a relationship sometimes. I miss the best friendship of me and Nick’s relationship. I miss having a show-buddy to cuddle up to and watch Netflix with, I miss inside jokes and long text conversations, I miss hanging out with someone and trying new stuff and seeing movies. I love relationships, I always will.

But, I’m also very happy with just, being with me right now.

Which takes me to my next topic: Dylan.

 

I don’t think he’ll be in this weekend, partially due to the fact he seems to be really, really busy with exams. But, I’m guessing as things get closer to Mother’s Day, that maybe he’ll get some hours with someone, somehow. At least, I’m hoping. Because, if May really does end up being my last month as I’m intending it to be, and he has no intention of asking me to hang out, then… well, I won’t be seeing him for a very, very long time. And if I don’t get demo hours, chances are, I won’t see him at all.

I know that life has a funny way of working things out. I still can’t quite tell the direction in which this is supposed to go in, which I’ve come to terms with finally but… still, can’t help but wonder sometimes.

Was I only meant to meet him because he was just meant to show me I deserve more, and better, but that’s it? Was it just a little nudge from the universe, but nothing more than that? Every time we do work together, I feel like I’m immediately drawn to his energy, and I have to consciously make the effort to stay away. How is it possible that he hasn’t picked up on that yet? Or, what if he has?

Man, I would love to have all the answers to these questions. But, I’m also equally as happy to know that I’m also okay with not having the answers right now. I know that eventually they’ll come, and even if they don’t, then maybe I just wasn’t meant to know.

As per usual, I’m letting the universe guide me on this one. I’ll do my best to listen, not only to the signs but also to myself.

So tomorrow, I think I might be going to Maple Leaf’s Square to watch Game 6 of the Leafs vs. Caps. Should be fun! I might possibly go out with Rose and her friend after, but my mom made a pretty good point today.

She said she wanted to talk to me, and she reiterated that I need to be more serious now and a little less focused on just having fun. In all fairness, she’s totally right – I can’t waste my life (and money) away, just focused on having a good time. I’ve already told myself I’ve got to grow up, so maybe this is the universe’s way of reiterating that knowledge. I know my mom cares more deeply than anyone else ever can, or will. And I respect her. I’m in a place now where I can acknowledge what she’s trying to say without getting defensive or stressed out. Things are getting better. It was a little tricky at first, (damn you hormones), but I think I did really well. I’m protecting myself with the knowledge that I know everything’s going to work out exactly as it’s meant to.

Anyways, I think I shall head to bed now! This was a good log, I feel like I haven’t really gotten in touch with me in a while, like in the past couple logs. It was good to be able to get a little introspective in this one, catch up with myself.

I’ll write tomorrow afternoon! We’ll see what tomorrow has in store for me. Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 109 + 110 – April 19th, & 20th

Hello! So I totally forgot to write yesterday, not good! But in my defense, yesterday was a pretty uneventful day, unlike today.

Yesterday, I went back to work after five days of being off. It was nice to get back into things, catch up with people that I missed.

Today was… lots of realizations. Where do I begin?

Okay so firstly, I realized that I can’t afford to work where I work anymore. Yes, I could work on my spending habits in all honesty. I really should. But also, I’m not making enough to save. I need more money than this job is providing me with because I want to be able to save for the future, and also for school. I need to start hustling, and that’s got to happen this summer.

So, I’m thinking that May will be my last month. I just need to get my shit together and stop spending so much money. If I could learn to save and get jobs where I’m making more money, I’d have enough to save AND spend money for school. Time to start being more financially responsible.

This is going to be a good summer. I’m really going to grow up and get all my stuff together. No more being “stuck”. Not when I have so much potential to just… accomplish everything I set out to do.

Speaking of stuck – some of my coworkers and I were having a pretty intense conversation, when one of them broke down crying. It was very intense, but it seemed like she had a lot on her shoulders that she’s been carrying around with her for some time. Sometimes, your body just forces you to release something, even if it’s through tears, in order to bring some kind of peace to your mind. It’s what happens when you spend so much time bottling things up – eventually, something’s going to come out, whether you want it to or not.

Anyways, at one point she and I were talking amongst ourselves, and she apologized for putting so much on me, but I had an epiphany of sorts in that moment. This was it – this is what I want to do for my life. I just want people to know that someone is there to listen. I know how to take care of myself, I’ll do what I have to maintain my own peace of mind – but if I can bring peace, if even a little, to someone else? That would mean the world to me.

That’s why I’ve held onto Psychology for as long as I have. Because I want to be able to understand people, understand how their pasts and what they’ve been through contributed to who they are as people now, and why. I want to be able to relate, to maybe help them process if they’re suffering or unable to break out of unhealthy life cycles. I just want to help.

I’ve got to get through all of this. I need to get back on track. Something in me is telling me that this is it, this is the summer. This is what I’m meant to do, some way, some how. And if I don’t make any changes now, I’ll forever settle for less, less than what I deserve. It’s time to take matters into my own hands. In doing so, my happiness will be under my jurisdiction, and no one else’s.

It’s not enough to just say this stuff though, I’ve got to do it. I have to get my smart serve. I have to get my G2. I need to be more financially responsible. I can’t go on living like I’m made of money forever. I have to say no to myself sometimes, and to others, and exercise that control.

I feel good though. I think I haven’t been in this good of a place in my life for a very long time, and I want to keep it going.

This is the first time in a long time I’ve felt ready enough to let go. To move forward.

We’ll see how things unfold. I think I’m going to either start my smart serve tomorrow, or Sunday, since I’m off. But now that I’ve spoken my intentions into the universe, I know the shift is coming. I’ve manifested what I wanted. Time to make it really happen.

I’ll write tomorrow before I leave to Leila’s house! Lianna is coming over to dye Olivia’s hair, so that’ll be nice.

Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

Day 108 – April 18th, 2017

Hello! So today was a pretty uneventful day! I taught myself how to play “Patience” on the piano though! And Olivia and I cleaned out our closet. And, I washed my brushes, and did a face mask, and sat outside again to bask in the sun and re-read some of my old logs again. I figure it’s good for me to get some vitamin D every day because it’s like a mood booster or something.

I’m glad that I go back to work tomorrow, because I kind of feel like I’ve been on a bit of a vacation since I’ve been away for five days. It’ll be nice to get back into things.

Anyways, that’s about it! I really need to get on my smart serve and call that dude for my G2 lessons! I’m free tomorrow morning before work, so maybe I’ll work out and check out the smart serve site.

Okay well, that’s about it for today! I got to check in with my summer bucket list and see what I’ve been doing so far.

Also, I need to tell my parents I’m not doing summer school at some point, because I’ve been putting that off… I don’t think they’re going to be quite happy with that. But, if I show them that I’m planning on being productive with my time this summer, I’m sure that’ll soften the blow to some extent. Either way, it doesn’t really matter, because I’m doing this for myself and for my own happiness, so. It is what it is.

Okay, that’s all for today! Looking forward to the rest of this week, I have this really good feeling. I can’t really explain it. It may be the beautiful weather, the spring in the air, the feeling of change. It’s a good feeling. Until tomorrow!

Oh, oh, before I go!!! It’s my half birthday today! Which means I am exactly 24 and a half. 24 has been a pretty good year so far! Much, much better than 23, LOL. Okay that’s all!

Love,

Me.