Hello I’m back! It’s a bright and early Monday morning, and Olivia is currently on her round of driving lessons so I have an hour to kill before my own. So, why not start this while I have this moment and continue on later in the day! I have plenty to do as well.
I’m going to be going through my closets and drawers, getting rid of anything and everything that I do not need to make room for the things I do need. I think this spring cleaning is long overdue as well. I woke up this morning with a great sense of motivation – I forgot how good it feels to get up early in the morning without sleeping in! My body feels like I’ve gotten all the rest it needed, I feel alert and ready for the day. I even did my little motivation board this morning, after so long! And I meditated last night too, pictured the golden light flowing through my hands and my body and healing me from within since I’m not feeling all too well. I immediately felt this sense of calm and the pain in my throat actually alleviated a bit! I keep forgetting how much power the mind truly has.
I’ve not only got to catch up on everything that’s happened, but I also have to write about my last session with Nadia, as well as update how things are currently going on the home front as well. But I’ll get to that in due time.
So let’s see, where was I?
Ah right! I was sitting quietly with Adrian as he worked.
Once he finished his work, we both headed back to bed for further cuddles and laziness. Once there, he told me how much he enjoyed that I was able to give him his space to work, and at the same time just share his presence quietly while doing my own thing, which made me happy.
I love how we can talk about literally anything and everything. Books, movies, life, pasts, lame jokes and oh man how we both love food so, so much. Even if we’re doing something as mundane as lying in bed together just cuddling, he’s still finding ways to make me laugh, all the while kissing my forehead or cheek or nose.
After a while, Radha and Krish woke up and we all headed downstairs together to have a late brunch together. Radha cooked up an amazing omelette, and as we ate we all got into a deep conversation about the nature of energy, the universe, spirituality, reincarnation, and the ability to read ones’ future or past based off of palmistry or leaves. It was very interesting – Radha and I are quite similar in our perspectives but Krish is more logic-driven. However, because he was so open-minded and willing to learn when it came to these topics, it made the conversation flow with ease. Adrian was somewhere in between Radha and I, and Krish’s perspective; open-minded and willing to learn, logic-driven to some extent, and yet because of Radha and me, he was a lot more believing and understanding in regards to what we were talking about.
Adrian had another game he had to work on, so he started up his laptop again to start the pre-gram prep and as it turns out, Krish also had some work to do regarding his job so he pulled out his laptop as well. Again, it felt like some cheesy rom-com or tv show – Radha and I sat on either side of the boys while they worked, and we read our own books for a while quietly beside them.
Radha and I decided to head outside to the patio to catch up and talk since the weather was gorgeous and we wanted to exchange details, of course. So we laid out a little picnic blanket outside, baked some cookies and grabbed snacks, and just sat out in the sun, talking about how each of us were so in awe of how parallel our lives had become in regards to our happiness.
After a couple hours, Adrian finished his game and had to go because he was meeting his friends for a barbecue later in the evening, so I went back upstairs with him to “help him pack” LOL. Once we got to my room, he immediately grabbed me in a hug and pulled me over onto the bed with him, much to my delight. And we stayed that way for some time, lamenting over how quickly the weekend had drawn to its close.
We both expressed how usually, each of us gets tired of spending time with other people quite quickly and crave that alone time and solitude, but with each other it didn’t feel that way.
Another side thing that I found quite cute – I loved how neat and tidy he was, throughout the whole weekend. It was adorable actually; he had no qualms about washing all the dishes from the night before despite how many times I told him not to worry about it, and when he changed or kept his clothes on the end of my bed, he kept everything folded neatly in a pile so tidily.
As much as we wished we could stay that way in my bed, time was passing so he finally packed up all of his stuff. Once he was all done, he made his way over to me and said he’d kiss me goodbye now because he didn’t think he’d be able to do so in the way he wanted once we made our way back downstairs. And when he kissed me, it made sense as to why he said that – he gently cupped his hands around my face and it was so passionately affectionate, he made my head spin. Sigh.
Once we got back downstairs (and I regained feeling in my legs), he went over to Radha and Krish to say his goodbyes, and to let Krish know it was so nice to officially meet him and that we’d definitely all get together sometime soon again.
I walked him to the door to hug him and kiss him goodbye one last time, and then watched as he walked over to his car and headed out.
Radha and Krish stayed a little while longer, but then in the afternoon they headed out as well. Honestly, it was the perfect weekend.
That night, I texted Adrian to tell him how much I appreciated that he had come all this way to my place, and how amazing the dinner was, and how much I loved that I could be so open and expressive with him and hold nothing back, because he made me feel so comfortable with just being myself around him. And this is how that conversation went:
Him: “You don’t have to tell me – I felt it too :$ you make me feel incredible. I don’t know how you do it, it seems like you know what I want, or how I want to be treated, even before I even do. It’s incredible and I’ve never met anyone like you. I feel like I can do anything, and all I want to do with that power is whatever I can for you. This may be forward, but I can’t deny how I feel. You made me feel like a king all weekend. Dinner last night was nothing. I’d love more chances to cook for you – maybe just you next time. A chance to distract you again would be an honour, my privilege and my pleasure. You are truly incredible. I’m speechless, I really am.”
Me: “I loveeeeee how honest you are! Don’t apologize, you’re not being forward – you’re being absolutely heart-warmingly sweet in your honesty :$ and it makes me equally as comfortable, so I can openly tell you that I felt the same way. The way you look at me, it’s like… I can’t explain it, you make me feel like the only girl in the world, like you’ve got stars in your eyes. And I love how that makes me feel. If anything, I’m sorry I was sorta kinda forward with you physically? :$ LOL it’s just, we vibe so well together in 38509384509 ways to the point that I quite literally can’t seem to get my hands or lips off of you. Connecting on the level we do, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone too. And I would love that some time Adrian, that sounds as amazing as this weekend was. Just, thank you for being you as unapologetically and authentically as you are. I hope you can see that yourself, because you’re an incredible person.”
Him: “That’s all I want – open and honest discourse. Good or bad, positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. I refuse to carry the baggage of lying anymore. I have stars in my eyes specifically because I’m looking at you. You’re the star I’m seeing – I mean, I did say you should be an actress 😉 If I can reciprocate even half of how I felt over this weekend….I think we’ll be in a good place. Absolutely no need to apologise. I really did want to do…more… I really, really, REALLY did but I chose not to. It would have blown my damn mind, but I think I want to wait in that way. I want to earn it. It may sound dumb and counter intuitive, but I just feel like why rush ya know? I want to see where the path leads us, but I want to know YOU, all about you before that. I feel like I (and hopefully you) will enjoy it more in a way. For the meantime, I really hope that our weekend activities (and more) will tide you over until then? :$ I’m not an overtly affectionate or PDA type person, but for the freaking life of me I can’t stop kissing you. Yours lips are softer than anything I can describe, and you have this…I don’t know, wonder and hope and twinkle in your eyes. It’s so hot. I just wanna do good. And doing well for you feels right. So I’m gonna run with it :)”
Me: “That’s all I want too! I used to feel like I always had to hold back from expressing myself in case it came off as overwhelming but with you, I don’t feel that way, I can just be me and know you’ll get it, and understand my intentions. There you go with those lovely words of yours :’) you’re amazing! Thank you, for reciprocating! And just being so open to all of my questions, letting me pick at your brain in the way I do, you fascinate me and I love the ways in which you think. Wow… just when I thought I couldn’t get any more amazed by you, you go and say that. I’m so incredibly touched and humbled that it means so much to you to want to know all of me in that way first, before you’re with me in the other way. It’s definitely not dumb or counter intuitive – in fact I think it’s wonderful. I absolutely agree, I want to know all of you too and there’s still so much you’ve yet to learn about me. And you’re right, there’s no rush.
I think it was also kinda just, you know when you experience something soooooo incredibly unbelievably good, you just want all of it right away? I got caught up in that feeling :$ honestly I was pulling out ALLL the stops in trying to seduce you but ultimately, I am truly glad you resisted for the reasons you did. It’s definitely going to be incredible when the time does come around and hell fucking yeah our weekend activities will more than just tide me over for the time being. I wanna see where this path will lead us too, at whatever pace this journey’s meant to take. You make me happy. Actually – more than happy, ecstatic; happy is just how I always am. I wanna make you more than happy too. So I’m definitely running with this feeling too, right alongside ya (or briskly walking if need be).”
Him: “It’s nice to know you get it, and me. People have spent years trying to figure me out to no avail, and then you come along and just…you know how to handle me. Granted, it’s not been a long time, but I spent a whole weekend (where I had work, food to make, shit to do in general) and not ONCE did I even have any anxiety or panic. Not once was I worried about getting stuff done or nervous about the future or anything. And if you ask anybody who knows me – they’ll tell you that, in the context of my life in the past couple years, that’s absolutely unheard of.
I (used to) freak out over the littlest thing. I feel like when we’re together, it’s just gonna work. Everything is gonna work. I’m not scared to answer your questions. I’m not scared to open up to you, and I’m not afraid of what you’ll say. As someone who (should be) looking to say everything “right” in order to woo you, I don’t care about right. I feel like I can say what I think with freedom and knowledge that you’ll understand, or at least try your damnest to.
Listen. You’re special. I don’t know how, but I know you are. And I refuse to let anything fuck that up. You deserve to be treated as such – and I won’t let ANYTHING get in the way of that. You’re too amazing to be treated in any other way. If that means I gotta wait, then hell I’ll wait. I just want to do right by you.
All you need to do to seduce me is look at me with those gorgeous eyes of yours and I’m done. Melted. A big freakin’ puddle. I completely get it, but I feel like sometimes that gets me in trouble, so I don’t want everything all at once. I kinda want some of it piece-meal. Partly because that means I get to see you more that way 🙂
When I was doing the second of my games, you were in the kitchen. You walked past me twice getting things from the basement. I heard you coming back and I thought to myself, “this time I hope she comes over and makes contact, I want to feel her touch”. When you walked past me that time, you put your fingers on my neck as you walked by me and I legit had a freak out. How did she know that’s exactly what I wanted? Just enough to let me know you’re still here, with and for me. It’s little things like that – those little unexplained magic moments…”
Me: “That makes me so, so incredibly happy to hear that being around me made you feel that way, safe without anxiety r worry. It may not be surprising (or maybe it is because of how I am now) but that’s another similarity we share(d) – I used to spend so much time constantly fixated on the next moment that I’d be worried in all of my present moments or always anxious. With you, I feel exactly as you do – real untouched contentment, a stillness, the understanding that there’s no “right” things to say or impression I’m trying to make; I can just, say what comes to my mind, be myself so completely and vulnerably. I’m so beyond glad you feel the same way.
This past year, I’ve been coming to terms with loving myself more than I used to and so far, I thought I’d made some great strides. I definitely have, but everything you just said there about how I deserve to be treated? How you really embodied that in your actions and words? You’ve no idea how deeply humbling it is to have someone see you, like really see you, how you’ve always wanted to be seen :$ Nevertheless, I do get what you mean and would love nothing more than to have it all with you, but little by little.
Oooou I know the exact moment you’re talking about – I passed by and so badly wanted to touch you those two times but resisted because of how deeply I respect your space and time when you’re in that mode and work takes priority, and wanted you to feel that respect. But that third time… I lightly brushed your neck with my fingers because I did want to connect with you, even if it was for a tiny bit, just for a fleeting moment. I can’t explain to you where the impulse came from in that exact moment, the same way I can’t explain any of this – all I know is that it just feels… right. And for once, I can just accept it for what it is without questioning why or how, like a beautiful sunrise.”
I love how beautifully and expressively we both texted one another, it’s… rare. I haven’t really been with anyone or met anyone who was so openly communicative with me in this way. It makes me feels safe and reassured that I can continue to let my feelings grow at whatever pace they do, knowing that they’re reciprocated back at me in the exact same ways.
Anyways, the next day early in the morning, he ended up calling me because he’d left his wallet at my house (and it was an accident and not on purpose, even though the day before he’d literally joked about forgetting something so he’d have to come back LOL either way it was still cute). So he asked if he could swing by real quick to pick it up, seeing as he was driving around without his license and also since he had a doctor’s appointment later that afternoon.
So he came by, and seeing as I still had the house to myself for the whole day, I asked if he wanted to stay for a little bit and he said he couldn’t resist. Once again we headed back to my bed (insert happy sigh here), and we stayed there for hours just cuddling and talking.
This time though, the talking got more in depth – I told him more about myself, about my family and my dad, about my past and my struggles with school as a result, how I ended my relationship in order to be on my own for a while, got into therapy and started down this path that led me to where I was now.
And then he in turn told me about his own family, about his dad, but also about what his mom was like when she was alive. “A saint”, is how he described her – with a witty, sarcastic humour, always hospitable and mom-like, always ready with breakfast in the morning and his school uniform ready to go on his bed. She sounded like an incredibly amazing person, a lovely woman.
He spoke of her so lovingly that I told him it was clear her memory was still living on, especially in the ways he spoke of her. And I thanked him for being so open with me about it, because I knew it wasn’t easy to be. He in turn thanked me too, for being vulnerable with him.
He’s so romantic and cute and cheesy, just like me – at one point, he started whispering in Italian in my ear, and then switched to Spanish, and I legit melted into this brown puddle of goo immediately. He was telling me that I was like a bright sunrise after a dark night, or his beautiful little dancer (I’d shown him a couple moves earlier on in the weekend) and my personal favourite: “tu sei la primavera dopo una lunga invernale”, which means “you are the spring after a long winter”. (long drawn out sappy sigh).
And he always looks at the way I smile. At one point, he said that he’s never met anyone who laughs the way that I do – apparently I do this thing where sometimes I’ll smile or laugh quietly to myself, as though I’ve got a secret with the universe.
I’m definitely head over heels. But for once, I’m head over heels with complete reason to be. He doesn’t give me any other option with everything he says and does towards me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m a happy smitten kitten.
After a while, he had to leave, and we admitted that we were definitely looking forward to seeing each other sooner than later and would make plans for the upcoming weekend.
Later on in the day when I told him how nice it had been to see him again (almost like a bonus day), he replied with: “seeing you today was phenomenal. I’m lying down in bed, but it just doesn’t feel right. I’m missing something (or someone). But the days without make days with so much more special. I’m already thinking about next time. Holding you close, running my fingers through your hair, kissing your forehead as you drift off to sleep, your beautifully serene eyes as you awaken beside me…”
Where. Did. This. Guy. Come. From!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Wow, I’ve written so much already and that was just to cover that particular weekend! Now I have to fast forward through last week to write about this weekend that just past.
What happened during the week?
Let’s see… ah yes, I had my appointment with Nadia.
Aw, it was so sweet. It was short and sweet actually. I think it may have been one of my last sessions with her – we both remarked how far I’ve come since I started seeing her at the end of 2016. And I thanked her profusely for everything she helped me with. I noted how I was no longer the scared, sad, ashamed, guilty, confused, insecure, lost, unhappy and overwhelmed girl who found her way into the Personal Counselling services. I was now a stronger, smarter, confident woman with faith in herself and trust in her process, happier and so much more content with both herself and where she was in life.
She’s a huge part of why I am where I am right now and I made sure she knew it. She thanked me humbly, and said all she did was become the mirror that bounced me back to myself.
She almost feels like a friend now, LOL! I’m going to miss her. I won’t be seeing her for a while. She said I’m more than welcome to contact her in September if need be. But for the summer, it’s time for me to continue on this journey on my own and put to the test everything I’ve learnt thus far.
After my appointment, I ventured over to Brampton to spend time with my cousins (and to watch the hockey game but let’s not talk about that tragedy). I ended up staying for a couple days! I caught up with Alycia and Anne for a whole day about everything we’ve missed in the past couple months, and we just spent time together watching movies and vegging out, just like the old days. I’ve missed them! I can’t wait to have more days like that as summer goes on. We’re definitely going to make the most of this summer for sure.
On the last night I spent in Brampton, Adrian messaged me to let me know he was free Friday night and that he’d most likely have the house to himself so I was more than welcome to crash if anything (yes I did a happy dance).
So the next morning, I sped back home to Toronto, showered really quickly and packed up some work clothes for the next day, and made my way over to Richmond Hill.
Man, I’ve typed so much I almost want to break this log into different parts LMAO. This log needs chapters at this rate, Jesus!! Anyways, continuing on.
Once I got to Richmond Hill, Adrian picked me up from the bus terminal (looking delicious as ever). Funny enough, we were both wearing the exact same shade of light turquoise-blue, which I noticed right away (and he picked up on later). As we drove back to his place, we started off in conversation as per usual. What made me die of laughter though, was this; so, while I was in Brampton, I started feeling like I was coming down with a bit of a cold. And I felt so bad, I really didn’t want to get Adrian sick, but I also really, really wanted to see him. So I started taking all these preventative measures in double time: I took like five shots of juiced ginger, turmeric root and lemon, used the ginger and turmeric root pulp to make a tea, and drank all of it before I made my way over to Richmond Hill.
Turns out… he felt like he was coming down with something too!!!! What are the odds! I died laughing when he sheepishly told me he felt like he was getting sick, and then I admitted I’d been feeling the same way too and was intending to warn him ahead of time.
We eventually made it to his place, and it was so nice – super home-y and cozy, just like I imagined it would be. He gave me a quick tour of the place before we headed up to his bedroom. Funny enough, he had a tiny version of my favourite painting Starry Night in his kitchen, and he said he has no memory of how or when it got there, it just always was there. No such thing as coincidence!
His bedroom was so full of character, just like him – favourite books, old memories, a corkboard full of little sentiments, posters from his favourite movies or soccer team, and a picture of Mother Mary right above his bed (no doubt to remind him of his mom, I’m sure).
Once I was all settled in, we made a quick game plan for the night since once again, we were going off on spontaneity (which I loved). Since Radha was in the vicinity and finishing work soon and his best friend was with her, we decided to ask them to come over for a quick smoke sesh and to chill for a bit.
It worked out perfectly – I got to see Radha one last time before her nine-day meditation retreat with her family, and I also got to meet one of Adrian’s best friends, Mark. He was a really chill guy, and he and Adrian definitely vibed very well together. I actually felt pretty honoured that I got to meet someone so close to him since it’s only been a month since we’ve met!
I also briefly met his dad too – he came back for a moment to drop off some groceries, and I meekly said hi when I poked my head around the corner of the living room into the kitchen. I was a little shook but I mean it was pretty quick and a standard hello so it was fine.
We all watched the Raptor’s game together and talked for a while, and I think Adrian and Mark were pretty amused with the duo-act that is Ashley and I, LOL. We’re super alike in our lame and cheesy humour and we literally giggle about everything, and Radha legit has the dirtiest mind, I can’t with her sometimes! But it was all in good fun.
It was sweet – even with Radha and Mark there, Adrian made sure to have his hand on my knee, or his arm wrapped around my waist as we sat on the couch. He’d even kiss my cheek or the side of my forehead adoringly, which I love, love, love.
After a while, Mark and Radha headed out and Adrian and I sat for a while trying to make it through watching the Pacer’s game but…we got pretty distracted, heh.
I don’t know what it is about kissing him that makes me feel like I could never stop, like I could do it for hours and never tire of it. And I know he feels the same way too because he’s actually told me so. But it’s just, that’s how good it feels. I can’t explain it. It’s got to be the chemistry or something.
Anyways! We headed back to his bed and um… well, one thing led to another and that’s all I’m going to say about it here.
[Friends who are reading this, feel free to ask me personally for the deets.]
Afterwards, we literally just laid there, completely mind blown and silent. It was a stillness like… I’ve never really felt before. The way he described it was like, the silence after a massive firework display – it’s a silence and stillness that somehow felt just as loud as the firework was.
He immediately told me that he still intended to get to know me as well as he could in spite of what happened and I laughed a bit, I couldn’t help it – I know I didn’t make it easy for him to resist. But, I did thank him sincerely for respecting me enough to want to wait to get to know me better. I promised him he would and assured him I was equally invested in getting to know him too.
Right after that, I happened to check my phone and noticed I’d received a call and some texts from Leila, which instantly worried me because I knew she knew where I was and wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t serious. So I immediately called her back to make sure everything was okay, and I’m so glad I did because what she ended up telling me had me shooketh as hell.
Adrian was so sweet – he could see the look of concern on my face and mouthed at me that he was going to leave me alone for some privacy. While I was on the phone, he helped me into one of his t-shirts so that I could still keep the phone to my ear as Leila vented to me about what had happened.
After I got off the phone with her, we went downstairs together to sit outside in the backyard foyer to talk for a while, and I told him a bit about the situation so that he could understand a bit more about me and what my friend group used to be like. Which, inevitably led to me talking about how Nick cheated on me.
He was so completely taken aback and appalled that someone could do something like that to me. But I told him I was actually pretty glad it happened because it contributed a lot to who I am as a person today, and how I no longer fear pain as much now that I know I’ve gotten through some of the worst of it.
I’m glad we talked as much as we did! He ended up telling me more about his own ex and his previous relationship. They still see each other from time to time because they’re each the godparent of a baby who lives next door to him. There’s also a wedding coming up soon in which he’d have to see her soon. I loved that he answered my questions so openly about it. He said he’s definitely more so come to terms with it than she has, since he was the one who ended it. But, they do seem to be in a good place so I’m happy for them.
Both my sister and Radha asked me how I feel about this, his past with his ex. And that question kind of surprised me actually – why should I feel any ways about it? This girl was a huge, huge part of his life for many years. They grew together, and she was there for him through some of the hardest times of his life. I respect their relationship with one another and understand that that has its place in his life, whatever state it may be in now. If I made a promise to get to know him, that also entails understanding and accepting his past without creating any of my own attachments to it. His past is a part of who he is today. And I happen to like the person he is, very much.
I would expect the same of anyone who decided to make the commitment to get to know me. I intend to be as open and vulnerable about who I was and what I’ve been through with the expectation that I will not be judged or held accountable for the things I cannot change about myself or the things I have experienced.
Anyways, we’re definitely still taking the time to get to know one another deeper, and I’m glad. I know we have this crazy palpable chemistry, but we also have this deeper connection that I really want to tend to and understand as we continue to explore whatever this is and whatever this could be.
Around midnight, we decided to toss a pizza in the oven, and then we split that and scarfed it down. Honestly yeah, I love nights out and adventuring. But man. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed lazy days in, midnight snacks and late-night talks with cuddles and comfort.
After the pizza we headed back to bed and figured out a game plan for the morning so we’d know when to wake up (not that we ended up getting much sleep as it is…)
The night was perfect. In the midst of everything else, when there were those quiet moments that we actually did fall asleep, I’d wake up to find him sleeping comfortably against my shoulder and I couldn’t resist kissing the fingertips he had resting gently against my arm before falling asleep once more.
I’m not holding back this time. I’m not playing games, I’m not following rules. I’m not letting fear dictate how I go about this. I know how I feel. I know what I’ve felt. No matter what the outcome is or what the ultimate reason is as to why life had us barrel into one another at this speed, at this time in each of our lives. I know what I want, but I’m willing to see what the universe has in store for us, at whatever pace this is meant to unfold.
Straight up though, yeah I can see myself dating him. And it’s been a while since I’ve felt like that about anyone. Even with Dylan, as much as I liked him and all that I saw with him – a part of me always kind of knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship and knew he didn’t really want one. Nevertheless I still said what I said because I finally understood how freeing it was to truly be able to express yourself without letting fear or attachment to the outcome or end result dictate your decisions or actions.
So, we’ll see. I’m in no rush. I’m happy with things as they are, right now. Like… beyond happy.
Oh yeah, back to that night!
The next morning when we woke up, I had to get ready for work pretty quickly in order to catch the bus back to make it on time, and he had a game to prepare for as well. So I dressed up in my work uniform (I specifically chose something super fitted and tight since I knew I’d be getting ready at his place, hehehe).
And my plan worked – he was half way up the stairs when he’d seen what I changed into, and he literally stopped walking, mid-step, completely star struck LMAO. He came over to me and kissed me and just… honestly, I’ll never tire of the way he looks at me. He said I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever met in his life. Jkehksjrhtkjhrtkjhrt
He made me tea (“coincidentally” he had this amazing unique blend of ginger-turmeric tea that he’d gotten from New York!!) and put it in a to-go mug for me and drove me out to the terminal. We ended up getting there pretty early, so we just sat in his car and talked for a while (and made out, of course).
He wants to go out the next time we hang out. He says that I’m too incredible to be to be hidden away inside a house (he even told me about this old biblical story about how light is taken to the top of a mountain in order to be shared with everyone, and not kept in the dark) and he wants to show me off to the world. (I of course said that I was more than happy with what we got up to when we stayed in, hehe). But I do want to go out with him too. We’ve been pretty spoiled with the fact we’ve been able to spend three nights together already, and I guess it’s time to balance it out and start doing things out in the real world, LOL.
Once it was time to go, I kissed him goodbye like 405039485 times and he bade me goodbye in his sweet way of his that I adore (“bye, beautiful”) and I made my way over to the bus, floating on cloud 9 the whole way over.
AND NOW I AM ALL CAUGHT UP FINALLY SEJRTK JHTKJHRKTHR.
I’ve lost track of days, honestly. It’s Monday now, and all of that happened Friday to Saturday. I worked and saw everyone which was really nice, had yesterday off and now, here I am, typing away as I have been all day.
Basic updates: my parents situation is like… I don’t even know. My dad got really drunk yesterday and we confronted him about how he still owes so much money to that goddamn credit card he opened a while back, even though we’ve been paying it off in spades since this year began. Turns out throughout March, he’d been taking out more money than we’ve been putting in, for lottery tickets and alcohol, behind our backs and without our knowledge.
We’re tired man. It’s tiring. And today, he sobered up and begged us not to leave and that he’d do better, and the same old song and dance I’ve been hearing since the time I was born.
I know I’m a good person, so yeah I feel a little guilty when he starts to beg us not to leave. But what are we supposed to do? How is it fair that we have to spend the rest of our lives taking care of this person and cleaning up after his messes when he doesn’t care about himself and doesn’t care enough about us? What about our happiness? Why does “family” and “unconditional love” have to equate to all of us suffering together as a whole?
He suggested family counselling and yeah, maybe that would help in the short term. Sure, Olivia and my mom would be able to vocalize their feelings to a trained professional. But we know our dad. He can literally talk circles around anyone, always misses the point, doesn’t listen and doesn’t understand.
I don’t think we have it in us to do this anymore. We’re not cruel people, and we’ve done everything we can in our power to support, take care of, and be there for this person who was supposed to be a husband and a father despite his crippling gambling and alcohol addictions.
He’s got good in him, I know. Somewhere amidst all that illness that dictates who he is and what he does, there’s some slight good intention in there. But unfortunately, it just isn’t enough.
I don’t hate him. I don’t feel anything at all towards him anymore really, other than a slight pity. Maybe he didn’t choose this life. But he does make choices that reflect how he feels about himself. He’s so far gone in his hatred of himself that he’s beginning to take it out on us too. It’s a dangerous situation – I actually had to take my mom and gently tuck her behind me because my dad stormed into the kitchen with this ridiculous murderous look in his eyes, yelling at the top of his lungs about how he has no daughters and no wife and how he’s a prisoner here in this home and how he wants to move out. I felt this eerie sense of calm though, literally no fear, as I asked him to step back and out of the kitchen.
I think we’re done. I think we’ve been done. It’s just a matter of figuring out what we have to do to move forward from this with all of our sanity intact. And by “our sanity” I mean me, Olivia and my mom’s.
Time will tell all. We’ll figure it out as we’re meant to, I’m sure.
Anyways, that’s about it! One last thing…
Okay. My school has been on strike for the past two months. They’re on week 9 now. And their standstill has brought me to standstill. But it’s time to get into action mode.
Am I doing summer school? Or am I just enrolling for classes in September?
Even though I don’t have my marks for this year, I am so sure I got the marks I need to continue on with Psychology now, finally. So… why don’t I compromise by doing one or two courses in summer school, and get back into it full swing come September? I’ll apply for OSAP properly, and if I don’t get approved… well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. So I’m going to make this my priority for this week. I was definitely given all of these days off for some reason, and I intend to make the most of it.
Now that I’m done catching up, I’m going to go enjoy the weather outside with a good book, and then I’m going to clean out my closet.
May is going to be good. I can feel it. The exact same way that April was so good to me… each month keeps getting better than the last in these exquisitely beautiful ways. I’m so grateful, and truly humbled.
Thank you, Universe. Thank you.