Day 120 – April 30th, 2018

Hello I’m back! It’s a bright and early Monday morning, and Olivia is currently on her round of driving lessons so I have an hour to kill before my own. So, why not start this while I have this moment and continue on later in the day! I have plenty to do as well.

I’m going to be going through my closets and drawers, getting rid of anything and everything that I do not need to make room for the things I do need. I think this spring cleaning is long overdue as well. I woke up this morning with a great sense of motivation – I forgot how good it feels to get up early in the morning without sleeping in! My body feels like I’ve gotten all the rest it needed, I feel alert and ready for the day. I even did my little motivation board this morning, after so long! And I meditated last night too, pictured the golden light flowing through my hands and my body and healing me from within since I’m not feeling all too well. I immediately felt this sense of calm and the pain in my throat actually alleviated a bit! I keep forgetting how much power the mind truly has.

I’ve not only got to catch up on everything that’s happened, but I also have to write about my last session with Nadia, as well as update how things are currently going on the home front as well. But I’ll get to that in due time.

So let’s see, where was I?

Ah right! I was sitting quietly with Adrian as he worked.

Once he finished his work, we both headed back to bed for further cuddles and laziness. Once there, he told me how much he enjoyed that I was able to give him his space to work, and at the same time just share his presence quietly while doing my own thing, which made me happy.

I love how we can talk about literally anything and everything. Books, movies, life, pasts, lame jokes and oh man how we both love food so, so much. Even if we’re doing something as mundane as lying in bed together just cuddling, he’s still finding ways to make me laugh, all the while kissing my forehead or cheek or nose.

After a while, Radha and Krish woke up and we all headed downstairs together to have a late brunch together. Radha cooked up an amazing omelette, and as we ate we all got into a deep conversation about the nature of energy, the universe, spirituality, reincarnation, and the ability to read ones’ future or past based off of palmistry or leaves. It was very interesting – Radha and I are quite similar in our perspectives but Krish is more logic-driven. However, because he was so open-minded and willing to learn when it came to these topics, it made the conversation flow with ease.  Adrian was somewhere in between Radha and I, and Krish’s perspective; open-minded and willing to learn, logic-driven to some extent, and yet because of Radha and me, he was a lot more believing and understanding in regards to what we were talking about.

Adrian had another game he had to work on, so he started up his laptop again to start the pre-gram prep and as it turns out, Krish also had some work to do regarding his job so he pulled out his laptop as well. Again, it felt like some cheesy rom-com or tv show – Radha and I sat on either side of the boys while they worked, and we read our own books for a while quietly beside them.

Radha and I decided to head outside to the patio to catch up and talk since the weather was gorgeous and we wanted to exchange details, of course. So we laid out a little picnic blanket outside, baked some cookies and grabbed snacks, and just sat out in the sun, talking about how each of us were so in awe of how parallel our lives had become in regards to our happiness.

After a couple hours, Adrian finished his game and had to go because he was meeting his friends for a barbecue later in the evening, so I went back upstairs with him to “help him pack” LOL. Once we got to my room, he immediately grabbed me in a hug and pulled me over onto the bed with him, much to my delight. And we stayed that way for some time, lamenting over how quickly the weekend had drawn to its close.

We both expressed how usually, each of us gets tired of spending time with other people quite quickly and crave that alone time and solitude, but with each other it didn’t feel that way.

Another side thing that I found quite cute – I loved how neat and tidy he was, throughout the whole weekend. It was adorable actually; he had no qualms about washing all the dishes from the night before despite how many times I told him not to worry about it, and when he changed or kept his clothes on the end of my bed, he kept everything folded neatly in a pile so tidily.

As much as we wished we could stay that way in my bed, time was passing so he finally packed up all of his stuff. Once he was all done, he made his way over to me and said he’d kiss me goodbye now because he didn’t think he’d be able to do so in the way he wanted once we made our way back downstairs. And when he kissed me, it made sense as to why he said that – he gently cupped his hands around my face and it was so passionately affectionate, he made my head spin. Sigh.

Once we got back downstairs (and I regained feeling in my legs), he went over to Radha and Krish to say his goodbyes, and to let Krish know it was so nice to officially meet him and that we’d definitely all get together sometime soon again.

I walked him to the door to hug him and kiss him goodbye one last time, and then watched as he walked over to his car and headed out.

Radha and Krish stayed a little while longer, but then in the afternoon they headed out as well. Honestly, it was the perfect weekend.

That night, I texted Adrian to tell him how much I appreciated that he had come all this way to my place, and how amazing the dinner was, and how much I loved that I could be so open and expressive with him and hold nothing back, because he made me feel so comfortable with just being myself around him. And this is how that conversation went:

Him: “You don’t have to tell me – I felt it too :$ you make me feel incredible. I don’t know how you do it, it seems like you know what I want, or how I want to be treated, even before I even do. It’s incredible and I’ve never met anyone like you. I feel like I can do anything, and all I want to do with that power is whatever I can for you. This may be forward, but I can’t deny how I feel. You made me feel like a king all weekend. Dinner last night was nothing. I’d love more chances to cook for you – maybe just you next time. A chance to distract you again would be an honour, my privilege and my pleasure. You are truly incredible. I’m speechless, I really am.”

Me: “I loveeeeee how honest you are! Don’t apologize, you’re not being forward – you’re being absolutely heart-warmingly sweet in your honesty :$ and it makes me equally as comfortable, so I can openly tell you that I felt the same way. The way you look at me, it’s like… I can’t explain it, you make me feel like the only girl in the world, like you’ve got stars in your eyes. And I love how that makes me feel. If anything, I’m sorry I was sorta kinda forward with you physically? :$ LOL it’s just, we vibe so well together in 38509384509 ways to the point that I quite literally can’t seem to get my hands or lips off of you. Connecting on the level we do, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone too. And I would love that some time Adrian, that sounds as amazing as this weekend was. Just, thank you for being you as unapologetically and authentically as you are. I hope you can see that yourself, because you’re an incredible person.”

Him: “That’s all I want – open and honest discourse. Good or bad, positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. I refuse to carry the baggage of lying anymore. I have stars in my eyes specifically because I’m looking at you. You’re the star I’m seeing – I mean, I did say you should be an actress 😉 If I can reciprocate even half of how I felt over this weekend….I think we’ll be in a good place. Absolutely no need to apologise. I really did want to do…more… I really, really, REALLY did but I chose not to. It would have blown my damn mind, but I think I want to wait in that way. I want to earn it. It may sound dumb and counter intuitive, but I just feel like why rush ya know? I want to see where the path leads us, but I want to know YOU, all about you before that. I feel like I (and hopefully you) will enjoy it more in a way. For the meantime, I really hope that our weekend activities (and more) will tide you over until then? :$ I’m not an overtly affectionate or PDA type person, but for the freaking life of me I can’t stop kissing you. Yours lips are softer than anything I can describe, and you have this…I don’t know, wonder and hope and twinkle in your eyes. It’s so hot. I just wanna do good. And doing well for you feels right. So I’m gonna run with it :)”

Me: “That’s all I want too! I used to feel like I always had to hold back from expressing myself in case it came off as overwhelming but with you, I don’t feel that way, I can just be me and know you’ll get it, and understand my intentions. There you go with those lovely words of yours :’) you’re amazing! Thank you, for reciprocating! And just being so open to all of my questions, letting me pick at your brain in the way I do, you fascinate me and I love the ways in which you think. Wow… just when I thought I couldn’t get any more amazed by you, you go and say that. I’m so incredibly touched and humbled that it means so much to you to want to know all of me in that way first, before you’re with me in the other way. It’s definitely not dumb or counter intuitive – in fact I think it’s wonderful. I absolutely agree, I want to know all of you too and there’s still so much you’ve yet to learn about me. And you’re right, there’s no rush.

I think it was also kinda just, you know when you experience something soooooo incredibly unbelievably good, you just want all of it right away? I got caught up in that feeling :$ honestly I was pulling out ALLL the stops in trying to seduce you but ultimately, I am truly glad you resisted for the reasons you did. It’s definitely going to be incredible when the time does come around and hell fucking yeah our weekend activities will more than just tide me over for the time being. I wanna see where this path will lead us too, at whatever pace this journey’s meant to take. You make me happy. Actually – more than happy, ecstatic; happy is just how I always am. I wanna make you more than happy too. So I’m definitely running with this feeling too, right alongside ya (or briskly walking if need be).”

Him: “It’s nice to know you get it, and me. People have spent years trying to figure me out to no avail, and then you come along and just…you know how to handle me. Granted, it’s not been a long time, but I spent a whole weekend (where I had work, food to make, shit to do in general) and not ONCE did I even have any anxiety or panic. Not once was I worried about getting stuff done or nervous about the future or anything. And if you ask anybody who knows me – they’ll tell you that, in the context of my life in the past couple years, that’s absolutely unheard of.

I (used to) freak out over the littlest thing. I feel like when we’re together, it’s just gonna work. Everything is gonna work. I’m not scared to answer your questions. I’m not scared to open up to you, and I’m not afraid of what you’ll say. As someone who (should be) looking to say everything “right” in order to woo you, I don’t care about right. I feel like I can say what I think with freedom and knowledge that you’ll understand, or at least try your damnest to.

Listen. You’re special. I don’t know how, but I know you are. And I refuse to let anything fuck that up. You deserve to be treated as such – and I won’t let ANYTHING get in the way of that. You’re too amazing to be treated in any other way. If that means I gotta wait, then hell I’ll wait. I just want to do right by you.

All you need to do to seduce me is look at me with those gorgeous eyes of yours and I’m done. Melted. A big freakin’ puddle. I completely get it, but I feel like sometimes that gets me in trouble, so I don’t want everything all at once. I kinda want some of it piece-meal. Partly because that means I get to see you more that way 🙂

When I was doing the second of my games, you were in the kitchen. You walked past me twice getting things from the basement. I heard you coming back and I thought to myself, “this time I hope she comes over and makes contact, I want to feel her touch”. When you walked past me that time, you put your fingers on my neck as you walked by me and I legit had a freak out. How did she know that’s exactly what I wanted? Just enough to let me know you’re still here, with and for me. It’s little things like that – those little unexplained magic moments…”

Me: “That makes me so, so incredibly happy to hear that being around me made you feel that way, safe without anxiety r worry. It may not be surprising (or maybe it is because of how I am now) but that’s another similarity we share(d) – I used to spend so much time constantly fixated on the next moment that I’d be worried in all of my present moments or always anxious. With you, I feel exactly as you do – real untouched contentment, a stillness, the understanding that there’s no “right” things to say or impression I’m trying to make; I can just, say what comes to my mind, be myself so completely and vulnerably. I’m so beyond glad you feel the same way.

This past year, I’ve been coming to terms with loving myself more than I used to and so far, I thought I’d made some great strides. I definitely have, but everything you just said there about how I deserve to be treated? How you really embodied that in your actions and words? You’ve no idea how deeply humbling it is to have someone see you, like really see you, how you’ve always wanted to be seen :$ Nevertheless, I do get what you mean and would love nothing more than to have it all with you, but little by little.

Oooou I know the exact moment you’re talking about – I passed by and so badly wanted to touch you those two times but resisted because of how deeply I respect your space and time when you’re in that mode and work takes priority, and wanted you to feel that respect. But that third time… I lightly brushed your neck with my fingers because I did want to connect with you, even if it was for a tiny bit, just for a fleeting moment. I can’t explain to you where the impulse came from in that exact moment, the same way I can’t explain any of this – all I know is that it just feels… right. And for once, I can just accept it for what it is without questioning why or how, like a beautiful sunrise.”

Sigh.

I love how beautifully and expressively we both texted one another, it’s… rare. I haven’t really been with anyone or met anyone who was so openly communicative with me in this way. It makes me feels safe and reassured that I can continue to let my feelings grow at whatever pace they do, knowing that they’re reciprocated back at me in the exact same ways.

Anyways, the next day early in the morning, he ended up calling me because he’d left his wallet at my house (and it was an accident and not on purpose, even though the day before he’d literally joked about forgetting something so he’d have to come back LOL either way it was still cute). So he asked if he could swing by real quick to pick it up, seeing as he was driving around without his license and also since he had a doctor’s appointment later that afternoon.

So he came by, and seeing as I still had the house to myself for the whole day, I asked if he wanted to stay for a little bit and he said he couldn’t resist. Once again we headed back to my bed (insert happy sigh here), and we stayed there for hours just cuddling and talking.

This time though, the talking got more in depth – I told him more about myself, about my family and my dad, about my past and my struggles with school as a result, how I ended my relationship in order to be on my own for a while, got into therapy and started down this path that led me to where I was now.

And then he in turn told me about his own family, about his dad, but also about what his mom was like when she was alive. “A saint”, is how he described her – with a witty, sarcastic humour, always hospitable and mom-like, always ready with breakfast in the morning and his school uniform ready to go on his bed. She sounded like an incredibly amazing person, a lovely woman.

He spoke of her so lovingly that I told him it was clear her memory was still living on, especially in the ways he spoke of her. And I thanked him for being so open with me about it, because I knew it wasn’t easy to be. He in turn thanked me too, for being vulnerable with him.

He’s so romantic and cute and cheesy, just like me – at one point, he started whispering in Italian in my ear, and then switched to Spanish, and I legit melted into this brown puddle of goo immediately. He was telling me that I was like a bright sunrise after a dark night, or his beautiful little dancer (I’d shown him a couple moves earlier on in the weekend) and my personal favourite: “tu sei la primavera dopo una lunga invernale”, which means “you are the spring after a long winter”. (long drawn out sappy sigh).

And he always looks at the way I smile. At one point, he said that he’s never met anyone who laughs the way that I do – apparently I do this thing where sometimes I’ll smile or laugh quietly to myself, as though I’ve got a secret with the universe.

I’m definitely head over heels. But for once, I’m head over heels with complete reason to be. He doesn’t give me any other option with everything he says and does towards me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m a happy smitten kitten.

After a while, he had to leave, and we admitted that we were definitely looking forward to seeing each other sooner than later and would make plans for the upcoming weekend.

Later on in the day when I told him how nice it had been to see him again (almost like a bonus day), he replied with: “seeing you today was phenomenal. I’m lying down in bed, but it just doesn’t feel right. I’m missing something (or someone). But the days without make days with so much more special. I’m already thinking about next time. Holding you close, running my fingers through your hair, kissing your forehead as you drift off to sleep, your beautifully serene eyes as you awaken beside me…”

Where. Did. This. Guy. Come. From!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Sigh.

Wow, I’ve written so much already and that was just to cover that particular weekend! Now I have to fast forward through last week to write about this weekend that just past.

What happened during the week?

Let’s see… ah yes, I had my appointment with Nadia.

Aw, it was so sweet. It was short and sweet actually. I think it may have been one of my last sessions with her – we both remarked how far I’ve come since I started seeing her at the end of 2016. And I thanked her profusely for everything she helped me with. I noted how I was no longer the scared, sad, ashamed, guilty, confused, insecure, lost, unhappy and overwhelmed girl who found her way into the Personal Counselling services. I was now a stronger, smarter, confident woman with faith in herself and trust in her process, happier and so much more content with both herself and where she was in life.

She’s a huge part of why I am where I am right now and I made sure she knew it. She thanked me humbly, and said all she did was become the mirror that bounced me back to myself.

She almost feels like a friend now, LOL! I’m going to miss her. I won’t be seeing her for a while. She said I’m more than welcome to contact her in September if need be. But for the summer, it’s time for me to continue on this journey on my own and put to the test everything I’ve learnt thus far.

After my appointment, I ventured over to Brampton to spend time with my cousins (and to watch the hockey game but let’s not talk about that tragedy). I ended up staying for a couple days! I caught up with Alycia and Anne for a whole day about everything we’ve missed in the past couple months, and we just spent time together watching movies and vegging out, just like the old days. I’ve missed them! I can’t wait to have more days like that as summer goes on. We’re definitely going to make the most of this summer for sure.

On the last night I spent in Brampton, Adrian messaged me to let me know he was free Friday night and that he’d most likely have the house to himself so I was more than welcome to crash if anything (yes I did a happy dance).

So the next morning, I sped back home to Toronto, showered really quickly and packed up some work clothes for the next day, and made my way over to Richmond Hill.

Man, I’ve typed so much I almost want to break this log into different parts LMAO. This log needs chapters at this rate, Jesus!! Anyways, continuing on.

Once I got to Richmond Hill, Adrian picked me up from the bus terminal (looking delicious as ever). Funny enough, we were both wearing the exact same shade of light turquoise-blue, which I noticed right away (and he picked up on later). As we drove back to his place, we started off in conversation as per usual. What made me die of laughter though, was this; so, while I was in Brampton, I started feeling like I was coming down with a bit of a cold. And I felt so bad, I really didn’t want to get Adrian sick, but I also really, really wanted to see him. So I started taking all these preventative measures in double time: I took like five shots of juiced ginger, turmeric root and lemon, used the ginger and turmeric root pulp to make a tea, and drank all of it before I made my way over to Richmond Hill.

Turns out… he felt like he was coming down with something too!!!! What are the odds! I died laughing when he sheepishly told me he felt like he was getting sick, and then I admitted I’d been feeling the same way too and was intending to warn him ahead of time.

We eventually made it to his place, and it was so nice – super home-y and cozy, just like I imagined it would be. He gave me a quick tour of the place before we headed up to his bedroom. Funny enough, he had a tiny version of my favourite painting Starry Night in his kitchen, and he said he has no memory of how or when it got there, it just always was there. No such thing as coincidence!

His bedroom was so full of character, just like him – favourite books, old memories, a corkboard full of little sentiments, posters from his favourite movies or soccer team, and a picture of Mother Mary right above his bed (no doubt to remind him of his mom, I’m sure).

Once I was all settled in, we made a quick game plan for the night since once again, we were going off on spontaneity (which I loved). Since Radha was in the vicinity and finishing work soon and his best friend was with her, we decided to ask them to come over for a quick smoke sesh and to chill for a bit.

It worked out perfectly – I got to see Radha one last time before her nine-day meditation retreat with her family, and I also got to meet one of Adrian’s best friends, Mark. He was a really chill guy, and he and Adrian definitely vibed very well together. I actually felt pretty honoured that I got to meet someone so close to him since it’s only been a month since we’ve met!

I also briefly met his dad too – he came back for a moment to drop off some groceries, and I meekly said hi when I poked my head around the corner of the living room into the kitchen. I was a little shook but I mean it was pretty quick and a standard hello so it was fine.

We all watched the Raptor’s game together and talked for a while, and I think Adrian and Mark were pretty amused with the duo-act that is Ashley and I, LOL. We’re super alike in our lame and cheesy humour and we literally giggle about everything, and Radha legit has the dirtiest mind, I can’t with her sometimes! But it was all in good fun.

It was sweet – even with Radha and Mark there, Adrian made sure to have his hand on my knee, or his arm wrapped around my waist as we sat on the couch. He’d even kiss my cheek or the side of my forehead adoringly, which I love, love, love.

After a while, Mark and Radha headed out and Adrian and I sat for a while trying to make it through watching the Pacer’s game but…we got pretty distracted, heh.

I don’t know what it is about kissing him that makes me feel like I could never stop, like I could do it for hours and never tire of it. And I know he feels the same way too because he’s actually told me so. But it’s just, that’s how good it feels. I can’t explain it. It’s got to be the chemistry or something.

Anyways! We headed back to his bed and um… well, one thing led to another and that’s all I’m going to say about it here.

[Friends who are reading this, feel free to ask me personally for the deets.]

Afterwards, we literally just laid there, completely mind blown and silent. It was a stillness like… I’ve never really felt before. The way he described it was like, the silence after a massive firework display – it’s a silence and stillness that somehow felt just as loud as the firework was.

He immediately told me that he still intended to get to know me as well as he could in spite of what happened and I laughed a bit, I couldn’t help it – I know I didn’t make it easy for him to resist. But, I did thank him sincerely for respecting me enough to want to wait to get to know me better. I promised him he would and assured him I was equally invested in getting to know him too.

Right after that, I happened to check my phone and noticed I’d received a call and some texts from Leila, which instantly worried me because I knew she knew where I was and wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t serious. So I immediately called her back to make sure everything was okay, and I’m so glad I did because what she ended up telling me had me shooketh as hell.

Adrian was so sweet – he could see the look of concern on my face and mouthed at me that he was going to leave me alone for some privacy. While I was on the phone, he helped me into one of his t-shirts so that I could still keep the phone to my ear as Leila vented to me about what had happened.

After I got off the phone with her, we went downstairs together to sit outside in the backyard foyer to talk for a while, and I told him a bit about the situation so that he could understand a bit more about me and what my friend group used to be like. Which, inevitably led to me talking about how Nick cheated on me.

He was so completely taken aback and appalled that someone could do something like that to me. But I told him I was actually pretty glad it happened because it contributed a lot to who I am as a person today, and how I no longer fear pain as much now that I know I’ve gotten through some of the worst of it.

I’m glad we talked as much as we did! He ended up telling me more about his own ex and his previous relationship. They still see each other from time to time because they’re each the godparent of a baby who lives next door to him. There’s also a wedding coming up soon in which he’d have to see her soon. I loved that he answered my questions so openly about it. He said he’s definitely more so come to terms with it than she has, since he was the one who ended it. But, they do seem to be in a good place so I’m happy for them.

Both my sister and Radha asked me how I feel about this, his past with his ex. And that question kind of surprised me actually – why should I feel any ways about it? This girl was a huge, huge part of his life for many years. They grew together, and she was there for him through some of the hardest times of his life. I respect their relationship with one another and understand that that has its place in his life, whatever state it may be in now. If I made a promise to get to know him, that also entails understanding and accepting his past without creating any of my own attachments to it. His past is a part of who he is today. And I happen to like the person he is, very much.

I would expect the same of anyone who decided to make the commitment to get to know me. I intend to be as open and vulnerable about who I was and what I’ve been through with the expectation that I will not be judged or held accountable for the things I cannot change about myself or the things I have experienced.

Anyways, we’re definitely still taking the time to get to know one another deeper, and I’m glad. I know we have this crazy palpable chemistry, but we also have this deeper connection that I really want to tend to and understand as we continue to explore whatever this is and whatever this could be.

Around midnight, we decided to toss a pizza in the oven, and then we split that and scarfed it down. Honestly yeah, I love nights out and adventuring. But man. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed lazy days in, midnight snacks and late-night talks with cuddles and comfort.

After the pizza we headed back to bed and figured out a game plan for the morning so we’d know when to wake up (not that we ended up getting much sleep as it is…)

The night was perfect. In the midst of everything else, when there were those quiet moments that we actually did fall asleep, I’d wake up to find him sleeping comfortably against my shoulder and I couldn’t resist kissing the fingertips he had resting gently against my arm before falling asleep once more.

I’m not holding back this time. I’m not playing games, I’m not following rules. I’m not letting fear dictate how I go about this. I know how I feel. I know what I’ve felt. No matter what the outcome is or what the ultimate reason is as to why life had us barrel into one another at this speed, at this time in each of our lives. I know what I want, but I’m willing to see what the universe has in store for us, at whatever pace this is meant to unfold.

Straight up though, yeah I can see myself dating him. And it’s been a while since I’ve felt like that about anyone. Even with Dylan, as much as I liked him and all that I saw with him – a part of me always kind of knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship and knew he didn’t really want one. Nevertheless I still said what I said because I finally understood how freeing it was to truly be able to express yourself without letting fear or attachment to the outcome or end result dictate your decisions or actions.

So, we’ll see. I’m in no rush. I’m happy with things as they are, right now. Like… beyond happy.

Oh yeah, back to that night!

The next morning when we woke up, I had to get ready for work pretty quickly in order to catch the bus back to make it on time, and he had a game to prepare for as well. So I dressed up in my work uniform (I specifically chose something super fitted and tight since I knew I’d be getting ready at his place, hehehe).

And my plan worked – he was half way up the stairs when he’d seen what I changed into, and he literally stopped walking, mid-step, completely star struck LMAO. He came over to me and kissed me and just… honestly, I’ll never tire of the way he looks at me. He said I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever met in his life. Jkehksjrhtkjhrtkjhrt

He made me tea (“coincidentally” he had this amazing unique blend of ginger-turmeric tea that he’d gotten from New York!!) and put it in a to-go mug for me and drove me out to the terminal. We ended up getting there pretty early, so we just sat in his car and talked for a while (and made out, of course).

He wants to go out the next time we hang out. He says that I’m too incredible to be to be hidden away inside a house (he even told me about this old biblical story about how light is taken to the top of a mountain in order to be shared with everyone, and not kept in the dark) and he wants to show me off to the world. (I of course said that I was more than happy with what we got up to when we stayed in, hehe). But I do want to go out with him too. We’ve been pretty spoiled with the fact we’ve been able to spend three nights together already, and I guess it’s time to balance it out and start doing things out in the real world, LOL.

Once it was time to go, I kissed him goodbye like 405039485 times and he bade me goodbye in his sweet way of his that I adore (“bye, beautiful”) and I made my way over to the bus, floating on cloud 9 the whole way over.

AND NOW I AM ALL CAUGHT UP FINALLY SEJRTK JHTKJHRKTHR.

I’ve lost track of days, honestly. It’s Monday now, and all of that happened Friday to Saturday. I worked and saw everyone which was really nice, had yesterday off and now, here I am, typing away as I have been all day.

Basic updates: my parents situation is like… I don’t even know. My dad got really drunk yesterday and we confronted him about how he still owes so much money to that goddamn credit card he opened a while back, even though we’ve been paying it off in spades since this year began. Turns out throughout March, he’d been taking out more money than we’ve been putting in, for lottery tickets and alcohol, behind our backs and without our knowledge.

We’re tired man. It’s tiring. And today, he sobered up and begged us not to leave and that he’d do better, and the same old song and dance I’ve been hearing since the time I was born.

I know I’m a good person, so yeah I feel a little guilty when he starts to beg us not to leave. But what are we supposed to do? How is it fair that we have to spend the rest of our lives taking care of this person and cleaning up after his messes when he doesn’t care about himself and doesn’t care enough about us? What about our happiness? Why does “family” and “unconditional love” have to equate to all of us suffering together as a whole?

He suggested family counselling and yeah, maybe that would help in the short term. Sure, Olivia and my mom would be able to vocalize their feelings to a trained professional. But we know our dad. He can literally talk circles around anyone, always misses the point, doesn’t listen and doesn’t understand.

I don’t think we have it in us to do this anymore. We’re not cruel people, and we’ve done everything we can in our power to support, take care of, and be there for this person who was supposed to be a husband and a father despite his crippling gambling and alcohol addictions.

He’s got good in him, I know. Somewhere amidst all that illness that dictates who he is and what he does, there’s some slight good intention in there. But unfortunately, it just isn’t enough.

I don’t hate him. I don’t feel anything at all towards him anymore really, other than a slight pity. Maybe he didn’t choose this life. But he does make choices that reflect how he feels about himself. He’s so far gone in his hatred of himself that he’s beginning to take it out on us too. It’s a dangerous situation – I actually had to take my mom and gently tuck her behind me because my dad stormed into the kitchen with this ridiculous murderous look in his eyes, yelling at the top of his lungs about how he has no daughters and no wife and how he’s a prisoner here in this home and how he wants to move out. I felt this eerie sense of calm though, literally no fear, as I asked him to step back and out of the kitchen.

I think we’re done. I think we’ve been done. It’s just a matter of figuring out what we have to do to move forward from this with all of our sanity intact. And by “our sanity” I mean me, Olivia and my mom’s.

Time will tell all. We’ll figure it out as we’re meant to, I’m sure.

Anyways, that’s about it! One last thing…

School.

Okay. My school has been on strike for the past two months. They’re on week 9 now. And their standstill has brought me to standstill. But it’s time to get into action mode.

Am I doing summer school? Or am I just enrolling for classes in September?

Even though I don’t have my marks for this year, I am so sure I got the marks I need to continue on with Psychology now, finally. So… why don’t I compromise by doing one or two courses in summer school, and get back into it full swing come September? I’ll apply for OSAP properly, and if I don’t get approved… well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. So I’m going to make this my priority for this week. I was definitely given all of these days off for some reason, and I intend to make the most of it.

Now that I’m done catching up, I’m going to go enjoy the weather outside with a good book, and then I’m going to clean out my closet.

May is going to be good. I can feel it. The exact same way that April was so good to me… each month keeps getting better than the last in these exquisitely beautiful ways. I’m so grateful, and truly humbled.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you.

Love always,

Me.

Day 116 – 119 – April 26th – 29th, 2018

For the first time in a long while, I’ve actually found a moment where I can just sit down and… write. I hadn’t realized how busy this past week was going to be, even though I didn’t work that much! I ended up spending a couple days in Brampton, and then I went straight from Brampton back home just to leave to go hang out with Adrian Friday night, and I ended up staying over, and then going straight to work from Richmond Hill. Safe to say, I’ve been super busy for the last couple days!

But, here I am. It’s a lazy Sunday evening, I should be doing some house chores and I have a serious craving for Oreo-cookie infused pancakes topped off with peanut butter and maple syrup (oooooomg) but, I am going to sit and write and write and write because I absolutely need to.

I don’t want to forget anything! So, I’m going to start all the way from the beginning of last weekend – when I had the house to myself and Adrian came over Friday night.

Okay, let’s see… so yeah, I was really nervous and yet at the same time, not. I was mostly excited, for sure. When he got here, I gave him a massive hug and just… ah, the butterflies. Once he settled in, I gave him a quick tour of the house and then we went back to the kitchen to just sit for a little bit to plan out the night. Since it was still pretty early in the evening, it was super bright out so we decided to save the scary movie for later on at night, when it got dark.

It seemed like we were basically just winging it, so I asked him if he wanted to play Call of Duty with me to kill some time before we got hungry enough to eat, and he agreed! So we went to the living room and got into playing. I definitely impressed him with my COD skills (I beat him in a Team Deathmatch round right off the bat) and then he beat me, and then on the third round tie-breaker, he started cheating my trying to mess around with the buttons on my controller as we were playing (which was hella cute).

After that, I taught him how to play zombies (which didn’t go over very well at first since he’s never played before) but after a while, he got the hang of it.

We managed to kill some time by doing that, and then we decided to smoke up a bit before heading out to grab some Caribbean food just down the street from me.

I watched him as he tried to teach me how to roll a joint, but honestly I was so distracted by him that I wasn’t really paying that much attention heh. And the weed was so good! After we smoked, we headed out to the Caribbean place to grab some jerk/stew chicken from the amazing little place that’s super close to me. We each got something different so that we could try each other’s food, and I’m glad he actually let me pay!

I forgot to mention before – when he’d first come in, he’d brought me a bottle of wine. It was this moscato that I’ve been looking for for like ever!!!! I tried it multiple times during our girls’ nights with my coworkers, and every time I made a mental note to ask the ladies what wine it was, I always forgot. And he just, happened to pick that one out because he knew I liked moscato and also because it was Italian. Definitely no coincidence.

Anyways, once we got back home, we sat down and opened the wine and got into the food and it was just… perfect. The food was amazing, the moscato was delicious (and definitely my favourite from this point onwards) and the conversation was incredible. I can’t quite remember what we talked about now – all I remember is how I felt. Happy. Content. Safe. And a little thrilled, too. Like, I was on the edge of a cliff, preparing to jump, knowing I would be perfectly safe no matter what the outcome.

After we finished eating, I grabbed our plates and started washing them, and he came over insisting that he help. Which led to this super cute water fight – I sprinkled some water on him jokingly, and then he got a handful of water and trailed his hand against my cheek, which immediately made my heart skip a million beats. The chemistry was palpable, right off the bat.

It finally had gotten dark, so I grabbed my laptop and we headed over to the living room so that I could get the movie set up and connected to the TV. I sat on the floor to do so, and he ended up sitting next to me, and we ended up getting lost in conversation.

This part I remember vividly – we were talking about the nature of curiosity, and I told him how I’m usually one to question everything, how I like to know the “why” or the “how”. And he said that when it comes to some things in life, sometimes you don’t need to know the why or how – when we see a beautiful sunrise, we don’t question why or how it happens. We just… appreciate it for what it is. Experience it. Bask in its beauty.

It was a metaphor for where we were in that exact moment – in the midst of something incredible, unexplainable… I didn’t need to know why. I didn’t have to understand how. I just needed to be.

And in that exact moment, he reached over and kissed me.

Sigh.

It was perfect. He was perfect.

He was the perfect kisser. Passionate and tender, just like me. He ended up picking me up off the floor and carrying me over to the couch (literal heart eyes) and in between kisses, I told him about how I had wanted to do this halfway through our coffee date LOL. He asked me why I’d held back, and I told him it was because I felt it was just, too soon.

Anyways, we ended up making out for hours, but in between we talked about how we’d met, or how both of us felt after the coffee date; both of us felt shook, totally mind blown. So it wasn’t just me! But I mean, a part of me knew that.

After a while, it was getting to a point where I was falling asleep resting against his chest while we were in the living room, so we agreed to head to bed because obviously the scary movie wasn’t happening. (Clever guy – distracting me with kisses, tsk tsk.)

I can’t begin to express how amazing it felt to cuddle with him, to be held, to lie against his chest. And he was so expressive – he kept telling me how amazing I was, how incredible, and beautiful. And the way he looked at me… I’ve never been looked at in that way, like I was a goddess walking on earth or the only girl in the world. And his eyes, they’re so beautiful; they’ve got this slight ring of deep green around the outside, and then a lighter green throughout, and then close to the pupils was a honey-coloured tone, creating this ever-changing hazel colour overall that I’m totally head over heels for.

And that smile… he calls it a “smirk”, but there were moments I caught flashes of his real smile, the one that matched mine effortlessly.

He was studying mine closely too – all the little details, the way the lines formed around my mouth when I smiled. I loved that he was so particular about these little details, because this is all I’ve ever wanted. For someone to see me in this way.

Anyways, things got pretty heated… multiple times LOL. And I may or may not have gotten a little bit more… forward, at times. But, he managed to resist and distract me in other ways (not that I was complaining in the slightest).

And we spent the night doing that. Falling asleep for the briefest of moments, only to wake up and start kissing all over again. We did that until the sun rose, and which that point we agreed to get some rest.

I’ve never met anyone who’s enjoyed kissing as much as I do!! I can’t begin to express how happy I was, in every way. When we woke up in the morning, neither of us could bear to drag ourselves out of bed. So, we ended up staying there for hours, alternating between making out and talking, endlessly, about everything and anything.

I told him more about myself, about how I got to this place that I’m in now through looking inwards and facing my demons. And he told me more about himself too – about how hard it was for him to open up to people before, that he was always there for others but found it difficult to let people be there for them (literally me back then).

But that was changing, and that he was becoming more open and understanding that people went through similar situations to what he did, and that he wasn’t alone.

We talked so openly, and I loved how comfortable I was to just be myself with no holds barred.

There were moments I loved the most – moments where he’d just stare at me, at my eyes or my smile, and tell me how much he loved the look on my face when I was looking at him. Moments where I’d trace my fingertips along his cheek, along the line of his beard, just totally amazed by how incredible he is.

After a while though, Radha called to let us know that she was on the way with Krish, so we had to get clothed and look presentable, sadly.

It was cute though – we got dressed and then we headed out to the patio, because the weather was absolutely gorgeous. We sat on the patio swing and I put my legs into his lap, where we just sat and talked and listened to music until they arrived.

They did eventually, and it was so nice to meet Krish! He had a very still presence, didn’t come off as though he had anything to prove or disprove and had a quiet confidence that worked well for his overall demeanor. And it was evident that he was head over heels for Radha, and that made me really happy to see. They had such a nice way of being around each other too – connecting lightly though touches here and there to check in with each other, but never overtly PDA despite being a new couple.

After a while, we decided to start up a game of Catan while we waited for the dough to rise – Adrian was making pizza dough from scratch with his bare hands (amazing hands btw) and had brought fresh tomato sauce that he and his family had made and sealed airtight from 2014, true to the Italian way. So Krish sat with Radha in the dining room to teach her the rules, while I stayed in the kitchen with Adrian and “helped” him make the dough and sort out the pizza ingredients.

And by help, I mean watch him creepily (albeit totally head over heels) as he kneaded the dough, and grated the cheese. Speaking of cheese – we were being totally cheesy; I got flour on his cheek, and he fed me grated cheese (because for some inexplicable reason, cheese just tastes so much better when it’s grated).

It was so cute. Once everything was settled, we all sat down together to play Catan and it was so much fun – we all vibed together so well, right off the bat! It was the perfect little casual double date night.

After an hour or two, the dough rose and it was time to make the pizza! So Radha and I started off with our own first. And that fresh tomato sauce? To die for. It reminded me so much of being in Italy… there’s no way to mimic that taste, that flavour.

Oh I forgot another cute thing! Once they came, Adrian said he’d forgotten something in the car that he’d brought for me and went off to get it. And when he came back, he came back with my favourite kind of chocolate, Hershey’s Cookies N’ Cream. (So sweet!! …literally, hehehe). He said he wanted me to have that and to save for later, so that I could think of him when he was gone. Sigh.

Anyways, Radha and I made our pizzas, and then I realized the Leaf’s game was on and the boys were down to watch, so we tossed the pizzas in the oven and made our way over to the living room to watch the game.

Honestly, this whole weekend kind of felt like something out of a sitcom or rom-com movie. Adrian and I were on one couch and Krish and Radha were on the other, and I was leaning against Adrian and Radha was leaning against Krish, LOL. It was all very cute and very movie-like. But for once, it was nice to have reality be as amazing as it was.

Once our pizzas were done, we all settled down to eat dinner together with some wine and also the chicken that Radha cooked up in the oven (delicious!).

To say the pizzas were delicious is an understatement – the pizza dough turned out buttery-soft yet perfectly crispy and crunchy with a delicious flavour, and the sauce paired with the cheese and toppings was just… the perfect symphony of tastes. So yes, colour me hella impressed.

After we had dinner, we all decided to smoke a bit so that we could watch Waking Life, which is this incredibly well done animated movie that proposes a series of questions about the universe and answers about life and so much more. It’s also very, very trippy LOL and it just makes more sense when you watch it high.

Once we smoked, we made our way back to the living room to watch the movie and settled back in to our respective separate couches.

Funny enough – Adrian and I both fell asleep about half way through the movie, LMAO. I honestly couldn’t help myself, lying against Adrian and him being as warm as he was, it felt like I took a hit of some kind of sleeping drug. He was that comfortable.

Oh before all of this though, once again I forgot – Adrian was actually planning on leaving that evening after dinner because he had work early next morning. But because it was a job that he does from home, he had brought his laptop just in case! I asked him to stay, and he asked me if I didn’t mind that he had to wake up pretty early for his work, and I absolutely didn’t. So he decided to stay, much to my happiness.

Anyways, after the movie, Adrian and I decided to hit the hay and Radha and Krish followed suit.

Because of the lack of sleep from the night before (heh) Adrian and I pretty much fell asleep immediately, once again with me lying against his chest with his arms around me.

Honestly, usually I get pretty uncomfortable with cuddling half way through the night and I end up moving away because I get too hot or something. But with Adrian? We were always touching in some form or way. He was always close to me, and it never ever once felt uncomfortable. It just felt… right. I can’t put it in any other way.

We woke up pretty early the next morning and then headed downstairs so that I could make him some coffee and so he could get settled into work. He set up his laptop at the kitchen table, and said I could head back to bed if I wanted to. Instead, I asked if it would be okay if I could read quietly sitting across from him while he worked, and he was perfectly happy with that.

So that’s what I did – I finished the “Truth About Everything” and even started “Not the Price of Admission” as he worked across from me. Every so often I’d look up to just stare at him, and whenever he got a break he’d get up to come over and kiss me. It was adorable.

Okay. It’s getting pretty late now and I’ve made some great headway on this. But, I’m definitely going to have to continue tomorrow because I’ve got a driving lesson early tomorrow morning and I’ve got to get some rest.

Side note – April is quickly drawing to a close with tomorrow being the last day of the month. I would like to start May off on a high note, so that’s what I’ll be working towards tomorrow.

Until I write next!

Love always,

Me.

Day 111 – 115  – April 21st – 25th, 2018

Hiiiiiiiiii.

So this past weekend has been some of the best couple days I’ve experienced in this year, and I’ve already experienced some amazing days thus far what with travelling as much as I have. But for once, I couldn’t have been more than happy to just be at home and share my space.

I cannot even begin to fathom the amount of stuff I have to catch up on and write about. It’s been daunting to the point that I know I’ve been putting it off. But how can I, when everything I have to write about is so exquisitely amazingly fantastically good? No more putting it off. No matter how long it takes, I’m going to sit here and get through writing this.

Although, I may have to stop in order to get ready to go to my appointment with Nadia… I’ll just try to write as much as I can in the meanwhile.

Day 108, 109, 110 – April 18th – 20th, 2018

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

So Adrian is literally going to walk through the door at any second. And I thought I would try to type out a quick log to calm my nerves. But you know what?

I’m excited. This is someone I can be myself around, and feel comfortable with. A friend. And if I’m comfortable, he will be too.

It’s going to be fun. My body and my nervous system has no reason to fret. I’m excited!

I’m remembering what it was like to meet up with him the first time. I didn’t know what to expect, so I didn’t expect anything, and ended up having whatever expectations I could have had being blown out of the water.

I like him! I’m attracted to him as well. But nevertheless. I’m looking past all the crazy hormones to be in the moment, be in the now, and enjoy whatever could be.

After all, I looked forward to this all week.

Okay, I’ve got a feeling he’s here. I’ll write later!! It’s going to be an amazing weekend.

Love always,

Me.

Day 107 – April 17th, 2018

I can feel my brow furrowed in worry as I type this, LOL. I just made myself take a deep breath and relax my face and already I feel better.

It’s not that I’m worried about anything per se. It’s more so that I’ve been in this deep state of contemplation for a better part of this day, so why not bang everything out here and see what I’m left with rather than replaying the same thoughts and questions over and over in my head?

Okay so, yesterday when I wrote that I didn’t feel bruise-y after meeting up with Dylan, that was true. I was being honest. It did feel totally friendly and I was more than happy to chill out with him in that way.

But.

Once again today, I found myself wondering why. Why didn’t he feel the same way as I did? What led him to seeing me only as a friend? Was it some conscious decision he made? Or was it just a matter of hanging out those couple times that we did and him not feeling anything towards me?

Which leads me to another why – why am I wondering these things at all? Do I need closure? Is it curiosity? Is it coming from an ego-driven sense of self that needs to know why this person wasn’t attracted to me? Or do I want to know because I want to really be able to move on, with no holds barred, and give this new person who’s entered my life a real chance?

So many questions!

So, I think I want to ask myself all of these questions, like have a conversation with my deeper self and see what she says.

I’ll just type out the questions as they come, pause for a moment to locate that deeper sense of self, and then type away as she speaks to me.

Alright, first question:

Q: I claim to have complete faith in the universe. I believe that everything happens as it’s meant to. Sometimes that means that things happen exactly as they’re meant to, and I’m meant to detach myself from those “end results” (for lack of a better description) accept that things are the way they are, and move forward. That being said – me questioning or wondering why he doesn’t feel the same way, is that a sign that my faith in the universe is faltering? Am I not trusting in the process if I feel like I need an answer as to why he didn’t feel the same way, instead of just accepting that he didn’t and being happy with the way things are now?

A: No. Your faith is not faltering. You have accepted everything for what it is. You openly try to make time for this person, to be in his presence, without expecting or wanting more than just friendship.

What you have to understand here is that, as much as you are learning to rely on your intuition (i.e. me), you are also human. And a part of human nature is asking questions. In fact, curiosity is a beautiful aspect of humanity, the desire to want to know more or learn more.

What you really should be focusing on is your motivations behind asking the questions that you are asking.

Q: Okay, fair enough. I am inquisitive by nature, that’s true. I like to know things, I like asking questions, and then asking questions about those questions or their answers. It’s a part of who I am, I like to know why things (or people) tick the way that they do. It explains my love for Psychology, after all.

So my next set of questions is this: why do I need to know why? Am I asking because I’m hurt? Am I asking because my old ego-self is wondering if it had anything to do with who I am as a person? Am I asking because I’m simply curious? Am I asking because I need his answer to really move forward? Do I need closure? And if so, why? Also, am I asking too many questions and making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be? Am I overthinking?

A: If you think you’re overthinking, then simplify things. It’s always a choice, right?

Q: True. Okay, no overthinking. Just, simple questions and simple answers. Overthinking stems from attaching emotion to your thought process and then reacting to the things you think, and attaching unnecessary weight to the thoughts. I won’t go there. I’ll make a point of asking these questions without reacting emotionally, because I know ultimately that I am not my thoughts, nor am I my emotions.

A: Okay, good! See, this is helping already. Never forget to practice mindfulness in everything you do, including introspection.

Q: Absolutely! I feel a lot better now actually. I hadn’t realized I was attaching so much weight to the answers that I’m seeking. Therein lies the ego-self, I can see it for what it was now. I can see that my two selves were asking these questions for different reasons. But the minute I let go of that emotional reaction, the questions and their answers can serve some real clarity in a detached and healthy way, to serve my deeper self. I am not trying to feed or satiate my ego-self any further.

A: There you go, you answered one of the questions yourself: maybe your ego-self was asking because it did want to know if the answer had anything to do with you as a person. But now, you’re seeking these answers outside of that, so it doesn’t matter whether or not it had anything to do with you. Chances are (and I know you know this deep down), it didn’t. So, with the removal of your ego-self: why do you want to know?

Q: Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be answering the questions!? I’m the one who’s asking you!!!

A: You know your answers. I’m here to guide you.

Q: Okay, fair enough. This is turning into some weird kind of inception-level thing, eh? But I digress. Okay. Let’s see. Why do I want to know.

And as simply as I can say this: I want to know because, I want to know how it’s so easy for someone like Adrian (who is so completely similar to Dylan) can so easily see in me and appreciate about me everything I see in myself, tell me so, and be so open about his feelings towards me. What’s the difference?

The pull I felt towards both of them was very similar – it was like a click, a familiarity. Even now, I still feel completely comfortable being around Dylan, as though I’ve always known him. Our perspectives match on so many different things (in the exact same way that Adrian and I matched perfectly), and yes I know they’re two completely different people with different sets of experiences and ways they relate to the world. It’s evident that where Adrian is very, very mature and open and honest, Dylan’s a bit more guarded and probably has some more growing to do.

I guess what I’m asking the universe is, why Adrian and not Dylan? And I’m not asking unhappily AT ALL because Adrian is… incredible, unlike anyone I’ve ever met (minus one other person of course). He makes me laugh, and we’re pretty much the same person. That connection I felt in those six hours we spent together was absolutely unreal, and yet was the most real thing I’ve ever felt. It felt like coming home.

With Dylan, I put myself out there, trusted in myself and the universe and learnt a lot about myself in doing so, about the nature of my fearlessness. I’m not unhappy about this outcome – in fact, I’m ecstatic to be Dylan’s friend because he’s such a good person, easy to talk to and be around and I know he’s reliable and will be there for me if I ever need him.

But why? Why was it meant to be this way? Why didn’t he feel the same way that I did?

The possible answers that come up in regards to these questions are: maybe he felt he had more growing to do. Maybe, despite the fact that I wasn’t quite looking for a relationship with him right away either, he felt that I was and wasn’t ready for one. Maybe he wants to grow outside of his comfort zones the way he told me he does, but on his own, completely. Maybe he just, really didn’t feel anything outside of friendship towards me.

Any of these maybes are totally and one hundred percent okay with me. Again, I’ve accepted the outcome, and I am happy with the way things are now. But I want to know for sure if it’s any of these “maybes” or if it’s something I didn’t think of altogether.

So… it’s not the significance of the answer that matters, or the answer itself even. It’s the certainty that I’m seeking. Because… I don’t like the feeling of not knowing why. AHHHHHHH. *light bulb goes on*

A: *smiles gently* So, now you know. You only want to know why because you simply don’t like not knowing. So now that you know that – do you think you can learn to be okay with not knowing, move forward in your friendship with Dylan and move forward whole-heartedly into whatever could happen with Adrian?

Q: That’s a good question. Hmm… I want to say I could. I think I’d be okay with not knowing, in time. Sometimes in life, there aren’t any answers to the questions you ask, right? And you don’t dwell on that, you simply continue to move forward.

A: That’s true, but in this instance, you could have the answer if you so deeply desired, simply by just asking Dylan why. In the cases you stated above, life creates instances where you’ll never be able to receive those answers due to circumstances that are outside of your control. That’s where the acceptance and letting go comes in, as well as having faith and trusting the process. And deep down, I personally think that all questions get answered in time, with time. But that’s another matter altogether.

Point is, this isn’t a case where you’d never know. You’d only never know if you simply chose not to ask.

Q: Good point. So I guess it’s a matter of, how badly do I need to know? Or better yet: is it a need, or a want?

A: Well, what do you think?

Q: I think… I think it’s more so a want. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, a want is still a want of course.

A: And there’s the answer to everything, do you see it? It’s a want. Which means, while you would like to know, you don’t have to know right away. It means that if that answer is meant to find you, if you truly seek it, you’ll have it when you’re meant to, as you’re meant to. If that’s something you want to manifest for yourself, then you will, conspiring alongside the universe. There’s no rush. The uncertainty does not dictate how you feel or what you think. It does not govern whether or not you can explore this new opportunity with this incredible new person that you’ve met. It’s simply what it is, which is a want. A wish to know. But you know, ultimately, uncertainty is not the enemy. Closure is not what you’re seeking here, nor are you looking to satisfy the ghosts of the insecurities of your old-ego self. You’d simply like to know. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Q: I am mind-boggled. This was great. Thank you.

A: Funny that you thank me, when you should be thanking you, but, I am you, so technically you are thanking you in saying thank you.

Q: …

A: …maybe we should both just thank the universe?

Q: Deal!

Q and A: Thank you Universe.

Well… that was fun! I love having conversations with myself. Time and time again I forget that all the answers I seek are usually within myself, if I just take a moment to sit down and look.

Okay, I’m seriously running out of time – I’ve got to pack up, get ready and find a nice card for mom as well because we’re actually heading out of here today as it turns out. I’m really going to miss this place. It truly became a safe-haven.

That’s all for today!

Love always,

Me.

Day 105 + 106 – April 15th & 16th, 2018

Hello!!

Darn, I was doing so well writing everyday. But it’s all good! I missed yesterday’s log for a good reason.

Yesterday, Bethany, Bianca and their mom came over to have dinner with me, Olivia and my mom, and it was an incredible girls night – we talked really in depth about what we’re going to do about our dads, and how we can handle the situation in a way where everyone gets to walk away with our sanity in tact.

It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be a long process. But I really and truly hope for all of our sakes that our moms really commit this time and leave. It’s about time they start living their lives to the fullest, as they were meant to. They’ve spent enough of their time sacrificing their time, energy, emotions, mental strength and so much more for these men. And now it’s time to let go.

Anyways, it was a lovely night and I’m so glad that our mom’s have each other and that we have each other as well. There really isn’t anything like family.

Which brings me to today!

I spent this morning watching Jersey Shore when I realized I could feel my brain leaking out of my ears and realized I needed a break.

So I worked out, and then I went grocery shopping, took a nice long hot bath, and then cooked dinner so that my mom would have a nice meal to look forward to after a long day.

As I was cooking though, Dylan messaged me to let me know he was around downtown, searching for tickets to the game. And when he didn’t find any, he ended up at Real Sports bar and told me to come through to hang out! So I did – even though I was in my pj’s and the midst of finishing up with cooking LOL.

I made it in time for 2nd period, and I’m glad I did because we ended up winning!! It was such a good game and so much fun to see Dylan in his element in the midst of something he’s so passionate about.

He had a friend there too, and of course this friend and I ended up in a deep discussion about psychology and the nature of the law of attraction and the power of mindfulness (I honestly can’t help myself LOL I get so intrigued when it comes to people that the questions start and then two minutes later I find myself in a conversation about the meaning of life).

It was cool – that guy said he could tell I had really good energy, that I was conscious and very present. That made me really happy! I’m glad I came out.

And guess what!

No bruise-y after!!!

Sure, it could be because it wasn’t for long and because someone else was there and because we were so focused on the game. But I’ll take any little progress I can get. It actually felt totally friendly and just pleasant to be in his company, not achey and nostalgic for something we never had.

*sigh of relief*

I’m actually so glad. He’s definitely someone I want to maintain being friends with, so I’m glad the feelings really are working their way out of my system (or more so being transferred towards someone else…)

Speaking of that someone else – so as it now turns out, he’s going to be coming over both Friday AND Saturday! Friday, we’re going to have our movie night and Saturday he wants to come over early to teach me how to make homemade Italian pizza, from scratch. Um, insert a billion heart-eyed emojis here.

He was like “how can I resist a double dose” in regards to seeing me twice in a row (so cute!!) and even asked to come over earlier if it was okay with me.

So… I told him if it was easier for him, he’s more than welcome to crash.

Being completely and utterly honest here, no I’m not asking him to stay over for… ulterior reasons. I mean, I won’t say no if those “reasons” happen to manifest organically, of course. But seriously, I’m asking him to crash because a), I genuinely enjoy his company, b), if we’re going to smoke I’d rather him be safe and stay over than make that drive all the way back to Richmond Hill in that state, and c) if he’s going to stay late Friday night and come back early Saturday morning… then where’s the sense in that? He may as well just stay, right?

So I told him, and now I’m just waiting on a reply. At first I was kind of worried about what he’d think, but after everything I’ve learnt and been through this past year, this situation with this incredible person is not a place I want to overthink. I know I can be myself, I know my good intentions and I know he gets me too. So I have nothing to worry about.

Anyways, it’s been a great couple days! I’m glad that this week is flying by at its own pace, but I definitely can’t wait for the end of this week.

I’ll write sometime tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.

Day 104 – April 14th, 2018

Hello! So I didn’t get to finish yesterday’s blog because I ended up having to hop off the bus but that’s totally okay! I’m glad at least I found the time to get one in, and that I’ve been keeping up pretty consistently with writing every day, as of late.

So yesterday and today was so much fun!! Leila and I went for pho, and then we chilled out with her family for a while and just talked, which was really nice. I love spending time with her and her family because they have such an incredible energy and vibe that makes me feel like I’m right at home as well.

And then today, I started teaching Leila the basics of how to swim! She’s definitely a quick learner and she’s going to be able to do this with a little more time and practice. It’s inspiring to me how she’s truly striving to conquer her fears, one by one. It’s leaving comfort zones like these that really open life up to you, little by little! I’m so proud of her.

We ended up having some deep real talks in the sauna; about the nature of relationships and loyalty, of love and comfort and more. I love that we’re so comfortable with one another that we can quite literally talk about absolutely anything and everything, with no holds barred. Legit, she knows some of the innermost details of my life that I’ve never told anyone before, because that’s how comfortable I am telling her those things.

I can’t believe we’re heading towards seven years of friendship!!! We have to continue to make this work in every way that we can, and I know we will. I can’t see my life without her in it, so she’s stuck with me, LOL.

After a while, I headed back home in the midst of a crazy April ice-storm but made it okay safely (despite having to walk as carefully as humanly possible what with the inch of ice covering the sidewalks).

I bought a bottle of wine for me and my mom each, and I settled in to watch the games that were going on tonight. After a while though, Radha gave me a call to catch me up on the occurrences of her date last night, and also to update me on something else…

So it turns out that Adrian and her talked a little more yesterday, and as it turns out, he apparently thinks that I’m an “11/10” kind of girl LMAO. But more than that, the universe once again showed me how absolutely not one-sided this is; Adrian mentioned to Radha that he was thinking of asking me to hang out again a bit sooner than just Friday!!!!!

I kept thinking over and over that I didn’t want to wait until Friday because it seemed so far away, but I was worried it would seem too soon or too much. Of course I should have known better, as it turns out I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. How are we so similar?!?

Radha asked him if he wanted her to mention to me that he wanted to hang out again sometime soon on his behalf, but he firmly (and kindly) declined. He told her that as much as he appreciated the offer, that he wanted to be the one to put in work, to make the effort and due diligence towards this. (So sweet).

I keep getting crazy butterflies in the pit of my stomach every time I think about this, which I’m not used to. I guess it’s because I’ve gotten so used to being single and actually genuinely enjoying it, you know? It makes me uncomfortable, the way I feel, but it also makes me happy. It’s like, uncomfortable but in a good way, the same way I felt about travelling alone. It was daunting and scary but I couldn’t not go through with it because I knew it would change me and make me grow in ways I couldn’t begin to imagine. It’s kind of the same in this sense too.

He also mentioned to Radha though, that he was a little worried about the timeframe of things – I hadn’t realized because we hadn’t really talked about it, but it’s only been a couple months since he left his five-year relationship with his ex-girlfriend, and he was a bit worried about how people would perceive how quickly he moved on.

But Ashley pointed out to him that there shouldn’t be a timeframe when it comes to things that just feel right, and that the universe has its own way that’s free of time (which is basically a human construct). And he agreed with her, that he would just go with the flow and see what happened.

Which is exactly what I intend to do. Despite how crazy nervous this makes me at times, I’m going with my intuition on this and it just feels right, it feels… easy. I think the easiness of it all scares me too, because I’ve never experienced it before. But as life has taught me, it’s usually the things that scare me the most that end up being the best for me.

Like today, I went right ahead and told him honestly that I can’t get his smile out of my head, because I legitimately can’t. And how I end up smiling at my phone like a nutcase because of the constant barrage of compliments he sends my way in every single text message he sends.

And then I spent a moment or two wondering if I was being too forward, or coming on too strong.

But nope – he said he was glad he wasn’t the only one, and that he was picturing my smile too and it was making him smile at his phone like a doofus as well.

I feel like everything I’ve learnt in this past year about myself, about my new perspective on relationships and what they entail, about what connecting with a person really entails, all of that is going to be… tested, soon? Maybe tested is the wrong word. More so, finally put into play I guess.

We’ll see how things go. There’s still so much I want to know about him. I’m so glad that I feel so comfortable around him though, that’s going to go a long way for sure. All I have to do is just be myself, and that’s more than enough.

I think it’s the things in life that you can’t describe that end up being the most beautiful of all.

That’s all for tonight! I’ll write some time tomorrow.

Love always and in every way,

Me.