Day 104 – April 14th, 2018

Hello! So I didn’t get to finish yesterday’s blog because I ended up having to hop off the bus but that’s totally okay! I’m glad at least I found the time to get one in, and that I’ve been keeping up pretty consistently with writing every day, as of late.

So yesterday and today was so much fun!! Leila and I went for pho, and then we chilled out with her family for a while and just talked, which was really nice. I love spending time with her and her family because they have such an incredible energy and vibe that makes me feel like I’m right at home as well.

And then today, I started teaching Leila the basics of how to swim! She’s definitely a quick learner and she’s going to be able to do this with a little more time and practice. It’s inspiring to me how she’s truly striving to conquer her fears, one by one. It’s leaving comfort zones like these that really open life up to you, little by little! I’m so proud of her.

We ended up having some deep real talks in the sauna; about the nature of relationships and loyalty, of love and comfort and more. I love that we’re so comfortable with one another that we can quite literally talk about absolutely anything and everything, with no holds barred. Legit, she knows some of the innermost details of my life that I’ve never told anyone before, because that’s how comfortable I am telling her those things.

I can’t believe we’re heading towards seven years of friendship!!! We have to continue to make this work in every way that we can, and I know we will. I can’t see my life without her in it, so she’s stuck with me, LOL.

After a while, I headed back home in the midst of a crazy April ice-storm but made it okay safely (despite having to walk as carefully as humanly possible what with the inch of ice covering the sidewalks).

I bought a bottle of wine for me and my mom each, and I settled in to watch the games that were going on tonight. After a while though, Radha gave me a call to catch me up on the occurrences of her date last night, and also to update me on something else…

So it turns out that Adrian and her talked a little more yesterday, and as it turns out, he apparently thinks that I’m an “11/10” kind of girl LMAO. But more than that, the universe once again showed me how absolutely not one-sided this is; Adrian mentioned to Radha that he was thinking of asking me to hang out again a bit sooner than just Friday!!!!!

I kept thinking over and over that I didn’t want to wait until Friday because it seemed so far away, but I was worried it would seem too soon or too much. Of course I should have known better, as it turns out I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. How are we so similar?!?

Radha asked him if he wanted her to mention to me that he wanted to hang out again sometime soon on his behalf, but he firmly (and kindly) declined. He told her that as much as he appreciated the offer, that he wanted to be the one to put in work, to make the effort and due diligence towards this. (So sweet).

I keep getting crazy butterflies in the pit of my stomach every time I think about this, which I’m not used to. I guess it’s because I’ve gotten so used to being single and actually genuinely enjoying it, you know? It makes me uncomfortable, the way I feel, but it also makes me happy. It’s like, uncomfortable but in a good way, the same way I felt about travelling alone. It was daunting and scary but I couldn’t not go through with it because I knew it would change me and make me grow in ways I couldn’t begin to imagine. It’s kind of the same in this sense too.

He also mentioned to Radha though, that he was a little worried about the timeframe of things – I hadn’t realized because we hadn’t really talked about it, but it’s only been a couple months since he left his five-year relationship with his ex-girlfriend, and he was a bit worried about how people would perceive how quickly he moved on.

But Ashley pointed out to him that there shouldn’t be a timeframe when it comes to things that just feel right, and that the universe has its own way that’s free of time (which is basically a human construct). And he agreed with her, that he would just go with the flow and see what happened.

Which is exactly what I intend to do. Despite how crazy nervous this makes me at times, I’m going with my intuition on this and it just feels right, it feels… easy. I think the easiness of it all scares me too, because I’ve never experienced it before. But as life has taught me, it’s usually the things that scare me the most that end up being the best for me.

Like today, I went right ahead and told him honestly that I can’t get his smile out of my head, because I legitimately can’t. And how I end up smiling at my phone like a nutcase because of the constant barrage of compliments he sends my way in every single text message he sends.

And then I spent a moment or two wondering if I was being too forward, or coming on too strong.

But nope – he said he was glad he wasn’t the only one, and that he was picturing my smile too and it was making him smile at his phone like a doofus as well.

I feel like everything I’ve learnt in this past year about myself, about my new perspective on relationships and what they entail, about what connecting with a person really entails, all of that is going to be… tested, soon? Maybe tested is the wrong word. More so, finally put into play I guess.

We’ll see how things go. There’s still so much I want to know about him. I’m so glad that I feel so comfortable around him though, that’s going to go a long way for sure. All I have to do is just be myself, and that’s more than enough.

I think it’s the things in life that you can’t describe that end up being the most beautiful of all.

That’s all for tonight! I’ll write some time tomorrow.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 103 – April 13th, 2018

Happy Friday the 13th! So far, all is well and there haven’t been any scary movie instances as of yet LOL (unfortunately).

I’m currently on a bus on my way to Leila! We’re going to get pho (yum) so I’m really excited!!! And I’m sleeping over as well so that I can teach her how to swim, which shall be cute.

I thought I’d type out a quick log while I can! Something crazy I wanted to mention – so my friend Cherie who was originally the reason I was going back to Belize messaged me today to check in with me, and I asked her when she was heading out.

Turns out, the past two weeks, things have been so busy and so up in the air for her, that she lowkey didn’t want to go but didn’t want to tell me because she’d felt bad that I’d already booked my ticket!!!!!!

And look at that, eh. The universe strikes again.

My intuition is getting more and more honed with each day that passes! It’s incredible! I have to do more to feed it and to fine-tune it, but so far I’m really very happy with it. It means that my connection to the universe is strengthening, and that’s an amazing feeling.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to this busy weekend (and hoping it’ll distract my mind away from a certain someone for at least a little LOL).

We were texting back and forth making plans for this Friday coming up. And when I asked if he was free Friday, he joked that he thought he would be, but that he works until 5, and then was planning to “see this girl who was coming back from vacation next week, but her plans got changed or something.”

So I joked back and was like, “oh a girl eh?! What’s she like? Is her pun game stronger than yours?”

And his answer totally made my heart skip a beat, it was so cute:

“Theres a strong possibility of that. Whats she like? Unbelievable. Great sense of humour, amazing taste in food, wonderful outlook on life, intelligent with great values and drop-dead gorgeous looks. So yeah… I guess shes kinda alright.”

*drawn out sappy sigh*

This is possibly the quickest I’ve ever developed what feels like a really big crush LMAO. I get that those are the chemicals, yep. But I know for once it’s more than just that. I guess it’s a matter of what I choose to focus on. I have to be as mindful as possible, and it seems like that’ll be relatively straight forward to do because it’s so easy to be myself around him, completely.

Waiting a week to pass has never, ever seemed more daunting. But this is a good opportunity to practice patience.

Day 102 – April 12th, 2018

Hello! Quick log today.

It was a good day – I had a work shift that flew by in a breeze since all my favourite people were there. Me, Sera, Marilyn and Daniella went on break for a while and caught up, and it was so much fun! We laughed a lot, which I love that we do with one another.

I wished Nick a happy birthday early this morning, sincerely wished him all the best and said that he was making it happen for himself which was amazing, so I wished him happiness in all ways as well.

He replied so kindly, thanking me and saying how much he appreciated how thoughtful I was and mentioned that he was glad we were still friends. It made me happy! I know our paths weren’t meant to stay intertwined, but I’m glad they diverged on a such a good note. Exes most definitely can stay friends if two people are truly willing to let go of their pasts in order to move forward into a future without one another in the ways they once knew before. Our new friendship has eclipsed our old relationship.

So, tomorrow would have been the day that I left to Belize! Instead, I’ve got a jam-packed weekend to look forward to right here at home instead. I’m hoping it’ll make time pass by faster because…

It looks like Adrian and I may have another date planned for next Friday; even though he hates scary movies, he promised to make an exception for me and watch one with me. (I have literally no idea how I’m going to focus on watching this movie, straight up LOL).

I want to fast-forward through this entire week, gah.

I still can’t believe it honestly. Like I skimmed through that 100th day log again briefly and just… how? It’s crazy.

Just going to keep faith in the universe and try my utmost best to remain patient!

Anyways, that’s all for today! I know this weekend is going to be busy so I hope I’ll find a moment here and there to write when I can. Until then!

Love always,

Me.

Day 101 – April 11th, 2018

Hello, hello.

So I got news.

I cancelled my ticket to Belize when I woke up this morning, LOL.

I know, wild. But as I’m strengthening my relationship with my intuition, more and more truths are beginning to find me.

I had this inexplicable sense of anxiety about my trip, even before I met Adrian. couldn’t bring myself to pack, to finalize any details, to go exchange any money. I wasn’t even particularly excited.

But then this morning, sign after sign poured in, which led to me realizing other signs that were building up throughout these past weeks. Like, how moving into this condo actually made me sad that I was going to be leaving it for a good chunk of time, even if I was spending that time in another country. How I couldn’t be honest with people who were important to me about this trip, like my mom or even Maria. I don’t want to do something I love if lying is a means to achieving it. I want it to be whole-hearted, like the way I feel about travelling. And then this morning, Rose asked to come over this weekend so that we could go to Maple Leaf’s square to watch a playoff game this Saturday and my heart actually skipped a beat because that sounded like so much fun, more fun that leaving the country, which I know sounds nuts.

And a cherry on top: my sister, Bianca AND Bethany all had a bad feeling about it too. Bianca had even had a nightmare about my leaving – she dreamt that she begged me to stay and woke up in a panic, that’s how vivid the dream had been.

So this morning, I pulled up my travel reservation, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I imagined the sun and  the sea, and asked myself if I really wanted to go. If I needed to go.

And the answer that came up was “no”.

When I clicked “cancel”, my whole body flooded with relief. Not only would I be saving a ton of money, that money saved could go towards a whole new country, a whole new experience, and a whole new set of realizations and lessons. You can never experience the same thing twice, and my rule has always been never go anywhere more than once.

I just needed to realize all of this for myself. For once, I am happy and content, right here where I am in this present moment. I can live as fully as possible exactly where I am too.

This is a prime example of why I trust myself so deeply. Even if I had decided to go, I know I would have learnt this lesson in a different way. But the fact is that I’m relying so much on my intuition that I’m learning these things exactly in the ways that I am meant to, when I am meant to.

Anyways, that’s that! I’m looking forward to a lovely weekend now, all to myself and spent with friends and family.

On to the next matter now.

So Radha called me earlier this evening to let me know that Adrian had talked to her about yesterday, briefly. And she said she kind of got the feeling that he’s a little freaked out by all of this, and boy, I do not blame him. I’m still a little shook myself.

But while I’m shook, I also feel like I’ve never been more certain about how I feel, even if I can’t describe what it entails. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but it scares me, because it doesn’t make sense, you know?

I’m all over the place. We’re in the midst of making plans again, and I’m actually struggling with myself. A part of me is so impatient and wants to hang out again as soon as possible. A part of me wants it to be perfect, to go a certain way. A part of me is trying to figure out how exactly I’d like this to manifest.

But. The beauty of yesterday was that I went into it with no expectations, you know? I didn’t plan for anything and it ended up being one of the most amazing days I’ve experienced this year.

Hmm.

Okay, I’ll do my part but at the same time, leave it up to the universe. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

A part of me is also scared that my certainty about this is going to scare him. But, I know better too – if he’s just as willing to look past his own logic-driven side the way I am trying to look past my own fears, then I have nothing to fear at all. Actually, in every way that I look at this, my fears are baseless, no matter what outcome I imagine. All that the fear signifies is that I actually deeply care about this person, and that’s a good thing.

Le sigh.

I’m so impatient LOL!!! I need to settle down. But ever had something so impossibly good just within your grasp that you want so badly, right away? It’s tough man. But this isn’t just anything. It has the potential to be everything. So… patience, my dear Watson.

I need to mellow out, trust the process, put my faith in the Universe, and let go. As always, everything will happen exactly as it’s meant to, when it’s meant to.

Okay. Off to bed I go. I’ve written enough for tonight.

I’ve got work tomorrow night, and then I’m off until next Thursday LOL! What am I going to do with myself?! I’m definitely going to make the most of those days off and adventure around. This weekend is already promising to be amazing and busy so I’m looking forward to being distracted for a little while. Plus it’ll make time fly by faster.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 100 – April 10th, 2018

And on the 100th day of the year, life pretty much totally flipped upside down in a way I never imagined possible.

Where do I even begin? How do I even begin to try to capture in words everything that just happened, but more accurately still everything I think and feel as a result? How is it that I can sit here and question how any of this is possible and yet understand so deeply and with more clarity than anything I’ve experienced? And yet, at the same time, how did any of this happen!? Essentially… WHAT. THE. FUCK!?!!?!?!?

Safe to say, I am fully shook. Like all the way shook. Like… literally shook, as in I was legit shaking afterwards and my legs felt all tingly and numb as though I was going to collapse at any second.

I feel anxiety in the pit of my stomach because the “logical” part of me hasn’t experienced this level of good, this level of magic, in some time. And so I’m terrified of it, it scares me to my core. But the deeper part of me is at peace because I know exactly how it happened and how it manifested and I understand on some level that this was meant for me, right now, because it’s what I’ve been asking for. And again, that “logic” side of me thinks I’m crazy but for once, something that I cannot explain does not deserve or need an explanation. For once, it just is.

I just… wow. I almost can’t believe it, but I do, because it happened, it is happening.

I have butterflies!! You know how long it’s been since I felt like this!?!?!? Actually, this level of… whatever feeling this is, is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone ever. Because I’ve never met anyone like this while I’ve been in this place that I am in right now, so it make sense that this is an all new experience to me.

In retrospect, I can see every single tiny piece of the puzzle and how exactly everything fell into place that led me to today. I can see how every single moment, every person, every feeling, every thought I’ve had, every question I’ve asked the universe, led to what happened in those moments.

I feel crazy!!!! THIS IS CRAZY!

Okay. I’ve just come back from watching a super funny movie with Olivia and my mom and I’ve calmed down a bit now. But still, it was just… like, indescribable, you know? (Today, not the movie! Although the movie was pretty fucking hilarious, legit I laughed until I cried).

Anyways, to finally begin.

Basic details: Adrian and I met in front of the Sony Center, and then we walked to the place he wanted to bring me to, which was super close by. It was a cool coffee place that had like a rustic feel to it, which I loved. We got cappuccinos and split a Danish, which he paid for since I grabbed that super late night/early morning breakfast that me, him, Radha and Olivia had had together the night that we’d met at the Ballroom.

Ugh, I wish this pit in my stomach would go away! Listen me, everything is okay! You’re okay. Have faith. I know this is unlike everything you’ve ever experienced but don’t fear the unknown. You’re just fine. Everything is more than fine, it’s great.

Okay. So yeah, those were the basic details. Now for the reason I’m shook. Long story short? We ended up talking for literally almost six hours straight. About everything you could ever possibly imagine. About life, about death, about fear, hopes and dreams, our biggest accomplishments and values, our viewpoints and perspectives on reincarnation and spirituality, on kindness and empathy, on laughter and travel, ghosts and the paranormal, on confidence and romance and movies, on our passions and pasts, likes and dislikes, our shared love for lame jokes and clever puns, the universe, and so, so much more.

Half way through that time, we ended up wandering over to St. Lawrence Market, where we ended up settling into the rest of our conversation. By this point, there were moments where we’d literally just stare at each other in awe and also utter shock at how alike we were on so many things. Like, on about 99% of the topics we discussed, we had the exact same perspectives or ideas. I can’t count the amount of times I actually literally said, “you just took the words right out of my mouth”. At one point, we were joking about how we were surprised we were able to carry a conversation at all what with how alike we were and how often we said what the other was thinking.

At one point, he even looked at me and was like, “are you real?!?!” Which literally, I was thinking the exact same thing about him! LIKE HOW!?

Everything I’ve written in these recent logs about how this system isn’t for me, about how I don’t want to end up here – he feels the exact same way as me. He doesn’t care for money or the 9-5 life or settling for anything this society has told us we’re meant to have or to do. I just, I was legit at a loss for words.

The funny thing was, it’s almost as though he was a combination of all of the best parts of the people I’ve ever fallen for or been with – he reminded me so much of Dylan on all the things that we agreed on or talked about, he was just as funny (if not funnier) than Nick, he was so incredibly intellectual and smart and so well-rounded in the way he spoke and held himself the way Jake spoke to me, he felt familiar to me the way that Aryan always felt to me and yet… he was also so much like me. It was like… meeting myself? The lame jokes and cheesy puns, the easy-going smile, the kindness and generosity, the faith and belief in himself and the contentedness that comes along with knowing yourself in that way.

I was aware of my thoughts but not involved with them in any way. I felt… completely and totally comfortable being myself, being around him. I felt like I’d known him for so long, which is so bizarre because this is legit the first time he and I have ever, ever hung out just us two.

And for the briefest of brief moments when his knee brushed against mine, it felt like my entire body was zapped with electricity. And I kept thinking how badly I wanted to launch myself at him. LMAO. It was just… the passion he had in the way he talked about the things he loves, like cooking or travelling or his family… it was entrancing. And god, that smile. And his eyes. Sjrtjrtl jeljt ylekjl kjtylkj rdktjy lkjtyk jlrktjy ldrjty

And how he made me laugh!!!! Like the jokes, I love love love them! He made a joke about Van Gogh (told me to repeat what I’d just said because he couldn’t hear it out of one ear OMG) I legit laughed for like 10 minutes!!!!! I told him right off the bat that humour’s always been the quickest way to my heart.

And that’s another thing – how easy it was to be totally honest and transparent with him. I told him straight up that I had no idea what to expect when he asked me to go for coffee (not that I ever try to have expectations anymore since I’m practising being as open-minded as possible) but that whole entire conversation and everything it entailed had me utterly shell-shocked in the best way possible and he felt the exact same way. We even marvelled at how the universe led us to meeting each other: if I hadn’t re-connected with Radha, if the Jay’s home opener hadn’t of been on that day, if it hadn’t of rained and Radha and I stuck to our original plan of going hiking instead of going out… we wouldn’t have ever met!!!! Or maybe we would have, in entirely different circumstances, you know? But everything fell so perfectly into place.

I’ve never, ever felt like this before. I mean like, for someone, so quickly, in a way that I can’t explain. I remember a while ago, writing in my logs that I’ve only ever experienced magic once in my life. Well, now I have again. Because this day, this day was legit magic. It was everything I’ve been asking for. And never in a million years would I have thought it’d happen this way or with this person who literally entered my life completely out of the blue.

I still can’t believe it. I’m literally sitting here just sighing and shaking my head. Like, how?!?!

And oh man. For the first time, in all of my time of travelling thus far… I don’t…want to leave.

I know that sounds crazy. “What the fuck, you were LITERALLY just saying how much you love to travel and how badly you don’t want to end up here. And now you’re changing your mind over a GUY YOU JUST MET!?!? ARE YOU GOOD?!!?!?” (That’s what my logic-driven ego-self is yelling at me right now).

No. I feel this way because for the first time in a very, very long time, I finally feel like something I’ve been searching for, the answers I’ve been seeking… I’ve finally found them in some way, and for once I found them here. I can’t explain it. I don’t want to.

I find myself, time and time again, while travelling. And today, in this city that I call home… I found myself once more, only this time… in someone else. And I want to know more.

I’ll still go. I was meant to find that ticket after all. And whether or not I end up in Guatemala, I don’t particularly care anymore LOL. The whole wide world is out there waiting for me and it isn’t going anywhere any time soon. I’m not in a rush.

I kept seeing myself coming back, enjoying the summer here, and a part of me saw it so clearly but didn’t quite know why. It was like visions: I saw myself with my friends, with my family and my cousins, on road trips all around Ontario. I need to learn how to appreciate where I am, right here, right now. There’s so much beauty to this country too, to everything I have here… today reminded me of that.

I didn’t even realize that I needed a reminder to have faith and trust the process but that’s exactly what today was for me. It was… reassurance, of the strongest and best kind, a beautiful and significant gesture from the universe that I’m utterly grateful for.

A part of me, my ego-self, wonders if he felt it too. But my deeper self… the way he looked at me, the way he hugged me goodbye and how my heart literally flipped in my chest as he held me for that moment that felt so much longer than it actually was… I don’t need to ask. I just need to trust.

The more I type, the more the anxiety dissipates and my heart just feels… full. Content. At ease.

I haven’t even left and I’m already so excited to get back, LOL. This is the first time I’ve ever felt that way about travelling.

Some deeper parts of the conversation I do want to remember though: the moment he told me about how his mom passed away about five years ago due to cancer. And how his tattoo is for her; when he was in England and he did a Beatles tour, he’d heard the song “Let It Be”, and the lyrics that stood out were, “when I find myself in times of trouble/ Mother Mary comes to me” and he just knew he had to get them, right on his heart… his mom’s name was Mary. I immediately teared up when he told me this, and he immediately apologized and said he didn’t mean to make me emotional but ah, how couldn’t I? It was such a beautiful tattoo with such an incredible meaning. And I told him, she sounded like an incredible woman, and she truly raised an amazing son.

There’s so many things about him that I liked; he’s multilingual (English, Italian, Spanish, French AND German!), studied History as his major because he wanted to pursue what he loved in school even if it didn’t lead to a career, his love of travel and adventure that matched my own perfectly, his love for humour and laughter, the fact that he can cook Italian food (UM HI, SPAGHETTI IS LEGIT MY FAVE FOOD ON THIS EARTH), his light-hearted and positive outlook on life despite the hardships he’s experienced, his desire to constantly grow as a person and learn as much as he can (both outwardly and inwardly), his curiosity, how he listened, how open and honest he was towards every single one of my questions that I had towards him, no matter how inquisitive I became. I never once felt like I had to hold back.

And get this – he loves brown food! His ex-girlfriend of five years was Indian, and he loves chai tea and roti and omg he knew what biriyani was LMAO. I’m so dead.

I keep thinking back to the first time we met – I didn’t feel this pull then, because I was so sure something was there between him and Radha and I didn’t want to intervene. So I brushed it off, even though my immediate thought was how good looking he was.

But even then, in that first time, I felt so completely at home with myself around him. I was my weird eccentric self (if not more weird than usual) – I played air guitar with the pool stick, I went around the side of the pool table and pretended to go down an imaginary stair case and escalator (yup), I danced around like a maniac with Radha and stuffed my face full of brownies off a plate that a group of guys from a business meeting had given us.

I even broke out my own lame jokes and puns and he matched them, joke for joke, when we ended up at Denny’s after the Ballroom that night. And even then I remember thinking how impressed I was. But still, I wrote it off.

It’s amazing what can find you when you least expect it. When you stop looking and just let things be, let things happen.

I can’t get his smile out of my head. I’m such a loser LMAO. But like I told him, I wouldn’t change me for anything.

And it’s crazy – Nadia fully told me to give a chance to someone who didn’t immediately enthrall me, and she was so right. I didn’t immediately feel that pull with Adrian because he’s whole within himself, so that one factor that usually attracts me to guys right off the bat wasn’t there, amidst the other reasons I had written it off. But the moment I gave it a chance, agreed to coffee, sat down and actually talked with him… led to one of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life and literally a shit ton of feels I’ve never, ever experienced before. Like, five hours felt like twenty minutes in his company (which is what he just texted to say it felt like with me today). It felt like we were outside time completely.

It’s actually such an incredible feeling, to feel “at home” with someone. Like that familiarity. We had our uncanny and frequent similarities, but even our differences somehow complimented one another (he loves avocados and I hate them, which made him happy because he promised to eat the avocado that I would pick off my dragon roll sushi that we were going to have together one day).

And he smokes up, like me!!! Like our chill vibe is definitely mutual in that sense, which I adore.

I could go on and on, I really could. But I’m going to leave it be at this, for now.

A challenge lies ahead now. My ego-self is going to fight this. It’s going to question this, poke holes at it, try to make me doubt what I know deep down, based on its past experiences of fear and what it thinks is “logical”.

But I know better.

I’m going to do my utmost best to listen to my deeper self. The one that saw the truth today, felt the clarity, embraced the unknown and just let things unfold in the beautiful ways that they did. I’m going to come back to this log, on this 100th day, if I ever feel my faith in this start to falter, or if I begin to question how good this was.

I’m allowed to experience this. I deserve this. It was meant for me. I am allowed to experience good without fearing that something bad will happen. And even if something “bad” does happen, that’s totally okay too. Everything is a lesson. So fear of any kind is baseless and hollow and has no place to take up any spot in my mind and heart. It doesn’t belong here anymore.

And who knows what will happen! He could very well just end up being a friend for all I know. I’m honestly so truly open to absolutely anything. And I’m so, so grateful for meeting him. For meeting someone so absolutely like-minded to me, especially in the ways that mattered the most to me.

The “click”. That’s what the feeling was. That’s the only real way I can put it into words, I suppose (despite my feeble attempts to try through this log, LOL).

Sigh.

I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance! Finally going back to work after three days of being off, but it was much needed. I had such a great time off – not only was today a perfect day in this way, I got to really catch up with both Avery and Leila in separate ways these past couple days, I had a blast with Chad and Krystal over the weekend, and I took time to myself to work out and take an amazing bath and just relax. It was lovely.

Here’s to… life. And just the absolutely magic that it can bring about, if you just believe in it.

Love always,

Me.

Day 99 – April 9th, 2018

It’s so odd to me that the 99th day of the year lands in April! It’s like, it feels too soon to think we’re already on the 100th day of the year as of tomorrow, but it just goes to show how quickly time is flying eh?

Speaking of time flying, I’ve got about three days left until I leave to Belize and Guatemala!! So strange, it hasn’t sunk in yet. I’ve got to head home tomorrow for a moment to pack quickly so that my bag is ready for me when I crash Thursday night and leave early Friday morning. Oh, the missions I pull. I’m going to have some kick-ass stories when I’m fifty though, that’s for sure. “When I was 25, I bought a one way ticket to Belize and hopped over to Guatemala for the heck of it…”

Anyways, I kind of just wanted to write a quick log for today. But I mean, I may as well finish catching up on the stuff I didn’t mention from before, briefly.

Let’s see… Easter! So I spent Easter with my family and it was a ton of fun. As per usual, we made the most of the fact that some of us can drive now, and threw together a spontaneous bowling outing (and went to a park to smoke up first with some weed we bought off a random link that one of us had LOL literally so random). It was so, so much fun though and I know I don’t see them often but every time we hang out, it’s like no time has passed. I can’t wait for the summer that’s ahead of us! We definitely have to rally and do something together.

That same day, Nick messaged me because Sofia had gone to the restaurant and he’d asked me if I’d told her about it (which I had, except she’d forgotten and coincidentally gone in because she’d seen the mariachi band LOL). I told him I had and he reminded me that he’d told me long ago not to tell anyone and I apologized (albeit rather shortly because I was kind of taken aback and didn’t know what to say). I think he kind of felt that though because right after, he asked me how I was doing and that led into a conversation.

I commented on how it’d been a long time since we’d talked last, and he agreed. We updated each other a bit, asked about how jobs were going and stuff. He was waiting to hear back on a job he’d recently applied for that he really wanted and I wished him all the best.

He mentioned that he’d noticed that Olivia was dating someone and I told him that she was really happy, and that he was such a good guy.

And then out of the blue, he asked if I was happy. And I told him I was, very much so, especially since I’d been doing my own thing for a while. So I asked back and asked how things were going with the girl he was dating, which he avoided answering. He did mention he was happy though, when I asked again, so I’m glad.

Anyways, after all of that I mentioned hanging out again and he said he’d really like to and that it’d be nice, and he’d let me know. So that was an interesting exchange.

I go through these phases where I’ll suddenly be super nostalgic for our friendship and miss it a lot, and then life gets busy again and I forget. I’m currently in the phase where I’m not nostalgic, but nevertheless I would love to hang out again some time. I think it’d be nice to catch up, see how he’s changed in the year and couple months that we’ve been apart. I really do hope he’s doing well for himself and that he truly is happy.

I’m almost done fully catching up, ah! One last thing: So while I was in Belize, Jake ended up telling me that he’d landed a full time job in England and wouldn’t be coming back to Canada to live here anymore, which made us both kind of sad since we had so many plans for all kinds of dates for when he came back. But, I am happy for him because this position he landed was exactly what he wanted for himself and we both truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

Anyways, he’s coming back next week to gather up his stuff and tie up some loose ends, but he’s already mentioned that he wants to spend a majority of that week with me LOL. So… things should get pretty interesting, I believe. I’m looking forward to it. Although, I’ll be out of the country and working for most of that week so we won’t get a lot of time to spend together like he’s hoping for, that’s the only thing. But, it is what it is. Guatemala is calling my name!

And that’s it! I am now all fully caught up and in present time when it comes to my logs.

So, the question now remains… HOW HAVE I BEEN DOING!?!?

My goodness, I don’t remember the last time I checked in with myself amidst all the craziness that’s been going on in my life lately!

Honestly, I’ve been good. Great, actually! Living in downtown has been such a nice change from being at home. It’s a whole different energy, and taking space from my dad has actually been quite nice (no offence to him). I’ve missed him like once or twice maybe and mostly out of pity (especially when he texts to tell me he misses us all) but I mean, I really do think that this space is good for all of us, in the long-run.

The strike is still on-going, but again, not worried about that either. I guess I’ve kind of been keeping up with myself here and there throughout the logs I’ve been writing, like I know I’ve written about where my current mind-frame (and heart-frame) is at right now so I don’t have much to catch up on in that sense either! I have feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way, but I’m still doing my own thing regardless, and I’m happy. I’m taking everything, every aspect of my life, one day at a time, because that’s all I can really do.

Tomorrow I’m hanging out with Adrian, which should be interesting! I really am curious as to where he’s planning on taking me. Interesting that the universe has manifested this particular occurrence too, so out of the blue! I’m looking forward to possibly finding out what it could possibly mean.

Until tomorrow then! I’ll definitely find a moment to write.

Love always and for as long as I shall walk this Earth,

Me.

Day 97 + 98 – April 7th & 8th, 2018

Hello, hello! What an amazing weekend it’s been. I’m actually forgetting all the stuff I was supposed to catch up on now, LOL. I’ll write about the past two days and then hopefully maybe I can just briefly outline whatever else I’ve missed from before.

Okay so yesterday was Saturday, and after my work shift, I ended up going out with Krystal and Chad! I didn’t get to mention this from before, but I ended up running into them at work sometime last week and we caught up for about an hour or so. After that, we agreed that we should hang out some time soon, and honestly I was planning on messaging them eventually but they beat me to it – Krystal ended up messaging me to ask me if I was free Saturday night and I was! And it was perfect timing too, what with having moved into this condo, because they wanted to go out to a drag bar in down town.

It was so, so much fun! We all vibed together so well, we vaped, we enjoyed the drag shows and the music and the people and it was all just so free and fun and amazing. We danced for a while, and talked to different people, and I even made friends with the DJ and she invited me into her booth!! I love that everywhere I go, no matter where it is or with whom, I always somehow end up manifesting these amazing occurrences by being so open to absolutely everything, every person, every instance and circumstance.

After we spent a good amount of time at the club, we decided to go satisfy our crazy munchies craving with some pho at a 24 hour Vietnamese restaurant in Chinatown. That’s where we sat and talked, and really caught up. Krystal and Chad are on a really good vibration right now too! They meditate together, Chad’s gotten really chill since he smokes so much weed now, and Krystal’s read the Alchemist because she was inspired by my recommendation, so she understands the idea of conspiring with the universe.

They’re both doing really well, and they’re happy. It felt as though no time had passed at all since we’d last hung out, and yet at the same time it felt like we were all different people who vibed really well together now. I like this new interesting theme in my life, where people I once used to hang out with who drifted away are drifting back now, with new and heightened vibrations that match my own.

Anyways, after pho they came over to check out the condo for a bit and we hung out here for a while and talked (and ate some sweet desserts, LOL). They left around four in the morning, but we all agreed it was definitely a great night and that we would do it again soon.

It’s a little late now because I ended up talking to Radha on the phone for a little bit, but I’m going to try to write as much as I can before sleep knocks me out (having slept at four, I didn’t get too much sleep last night).

Today I had the day off, so Avery ended up coming over. Initially we were going to go chill at the pub across the street but then we changed our mind and decided to have a chill day-in and watch the game from home with take-out food and wine.

We walked around for a little while, catching up on his new job and how he has a car now, and how he’s slowly but surely knocking out everything on his goals list, which is amazing! I’m so happy for him and so proud of him for manifesting these things for himself whilst working alongside the universe.

Once we got take-out from the pub, a bottle of wine from LCBO and desserts from Metro, we headed back to the condo. But then, we ended up sitting for about an hour and a half in front of the big window just earnestly talking about life, even right into the game.

I told him about my trip, about all the things I realized I wanted for myself, about how I’ve never experienced that level of clarity or certainty before in my life, the way I did in that moment on the dock, surrounded by the people who had relentlessly pursued their deepest dreams and destroyed their comfort zones.

And he understood; he understood the one-way ticket, understood why I felt like this whole “system” here wasn’t meant for me, and told me that he supported my decisions no matter what they entailed, as long as I was happy.

I asked him point blank whether or not he thought I should stay and finish my degree, and he didn’t want to comment on a decision as big as that, which is fair. He did offer his own personal opinion based off his experiences though: he told me that he felt that his degree had done nothing to get him to where he was now. That he doesn’t remember any of it since all it entailed was memorization for the most part. That a big part of why he did it was for his family, but knew there were people out there who hadn’t gotten their degrees and were doing just fine for themselves.

We both understood that there must be some reason it’s taken me this long to get this degree, to know what I want for myself. But I’m trying to figure that out. I’m trying to know myself so deeply that what I want becomes clearer and clearer, no matter what that takes.

I have such an incredible, unshakeable sense of faith in my process now, in myself. To the point that I no longer fear the ideas of “failure” or “mistakes” – there’s no such thing. The idea of “failure” or “mistakes” come from fear, fear of pain, fear of digressing outside of what we’ve been taught is the “norm”. We’re taught not to question what we’re taught, taught to do things a certain way because it’s the only way to get by. Well, I don’t believe that.

“Failure” and “mistakes” are actually lessons. They reveal to you another layer of yourself, they are some of life’s greatest teachers, they are the buffers on the bowling alley that is life, steering you along so that eventually you can hit your pins and knock em’ all down. (Yes I just made used bowling as a metaphor for life).

I am so open to whatever is meant for me. I intend to work towards whatever my purpose is, and I also am dedicated to doing whatever it takes to find it, to know it so completely that it feels like home. No matter what it takes. The point here is, even if I get “set back” or if everything comes crashing down, I’m not giving up! Life’s too beautiful to not stop trying!!!!! There’s so much out there, so much to do and see, so much to learn! How could I let anything stop me? How could I ever let me stop me?!

I used to be so afraid of having my life up in the air, of not having a plan to stick to. I used to despise uncertainty and fear the future when there was nothing concrete to look forward to. Now?

I thrive on it. I live for the uncertainty. I love it! I want life to take me where it will, but I also promise to run with it, full force. When you’re truly present in every moment you are given, when you make the most of those moments in the Now, then the “future” falls into place exactly as it is meant to. I believe in this with all of my being.

I want life, everything it entails, pain, heartbreak, happiness, joy, ecstasy, sadness, anger, all of it. And through it all? Peace. Contentment. A stillness, knowing that I did everything I could, sought every lesson I could seek.

I went off on a bit of a tangent there, but that’s essentially the gist of the conversation Avery and I had today. It was so good! I love how we connect. We can even sit in silence together, and that feels comfortable to me too. We eventually got around to watching the rest of the game, and then watched some other shows on tv until we got through the entire wine bottle. Eventually he left, but not before giving me a huge hug and telling me he’d see me when I got back, if I got back LOL. He said it’d be cool if he ended up having a place to stay at in Belize though, if that’s where I ended up too.

He’ll always be one of my best, most closest friends. I’m glad we have each other.

Oh, more news! It looks like I’m also headed towards Guatemala for a day or two, while I’m on this trip! Apparently Guatemala has one of the biggest Mayan ruins in the whole world, a place called “Tikal”. I’m so looking forward to adventuring around yet another country!

Honestly, right now I’m gearing up to head back by the Tuesday. I do want to write that one last exam since I now know that I do have the option of writing it. But I don’t know. I can’t know anything for sure. I haven’t booked a return ticket. I don’t know why this trip was all of a sudden meant to be, can’t explain why it felt so right to buy that one way ticket when I did. Maybe I’ll find the answers while I’m there.

Right now, I can see myself coming back though. I can see myself doing summer school, figuring things out and simplifying the process so I can get through this degree as painlessly as possible. Ultimately, it would mostly be more so for my mom than for me, and I have to be honest about that here. I’d like to have it for me, yes. But I now understand that I’ve struggled with it so much because I was told to do it. As much as I want to help people, this path was designated for me. I never once asked myself what I wanted in the past 25 years of my life, until now.

Never once have I wanted any of it for myself, not whole-heartedly. So strange. I don’t think it’s a matter of laziness. I think it was more so a matter of not knowing me, not knowing what I wanted for myself, but being told to go through university anyways to get it over with.

All retrospect aside though, if I come back and go through with this, that will have to change. I need to want this degree for myself above any other reason or else I’ll never truly have the motivation to go through with it.

Everything will happen exactly as it’s meant to. I know myself deeper than I ever have in my life. I have complete faith in myself, in the universe. I trust myself. I trust my intuition. And even when the universe has lessons to teach me through the consequences of the decisions I make, even then I will be thankful and accept those lessons whole-heartedly. I am ready.

Okay, bed time for me! There’s not much I have to catch up on I think. Other than Jon coming back next week, and how I’m hanging out with Sofia tomorrow to catch up, and how I’m actually going to be hanging out with Adrian on my day off Tuesday interestingly enough! He’s even coming all this way to downtown from Richmond Hill to take me somewhere (it’s a surprise). This week is already shaping up to be pretty interesting, that’s for sure! I’ll definitely find a moment to write tomorrow, so until then!

Love always and in every way,

Me.