Day 317 to 338 – November 13th to December 4th, 2019

Hello! I just finished a round of eight shifts in a row and here I am, smack dab in the middle of Christmas season already. Not to mention, this is the last month of the year! The last month of the DECADE – next year is 2020. TWENTY TWENTY!!! Unreal.

I got a little bit of a cold (probably a combination of having about 80% of the people around me being sick but also working as much as I have been), but I think I got a pretty good handle on it and it won’t be getting any worse. I had a day off and a bit of respite from the longer shifts just in the nick of time, phew. Which is great, because honestly I am in full-on grind mode. I want the shifts, I want the hours, I want to work as much as I humanly can this month before the new year begins and the hours get cut.

And you know, it hasn’t been too hard. I haven’t been as tired as I thought I would be, and I still feel like I’ve had enough time to do things for myself as well. Right now work is priority number one (which I know it shouldn’t be), but come January, come the NEW YEAR, everything is going to be different.

Anyways! I have so much to catch up on – Adrian’s birthday just passed, along with our anniversary, and we just went to the Caamp concert last night!

After the catch up, I shall catch up with me. It’s been a long while since I have.

Onto Adrian’s birthday!

So we ended up going to Buffalo rather spontaneously – not just to shop, but to have dinner at one of his favourite BBQ places that he’s always gone to for years called Smoky Bones. We left in the evening after we both finished work and road-tripped across the border to spend the night there. This was my first time crossing the border without my family (namely my parents LOL) so I was little bit nervous, but everything went super smoothly.

Dinner was absolutely delicious and I can see why he loves that place – it tasted exactly like Ribfest, lord almighty. I’m glad we have such similar tastes in food (hehe, punny).

Just like last year, I was the person who was with him when the 19th turned into the 20th, his birthday. It was so nice to be able to spend those moments with him – we watched the Office all cuddled up together, and when midnight came around I excitedly gave him his gifts.

I started with the card where I wrote a nice long birthday message, signed off with “P.S. I hope your birthday is absolutely “magic” this year…” which was a perfect segue into giving him the Raptor’s vs. Magic tickets, hehehehe.

He was so, so happy, but that wasn’t all – I told him to keep looking in the bag, and he pulled out the Raptor’s bomber jacket I got him with the Championship logo on it and he was SHOOK. I’m honestly so glad I get to spoil him like this because he honestly deserves it. There was also a bag of his favourite Lindor chocolates as well, and that was it for my little surprises. (Or so he thought, muahaha).

The next day, we went for breakfast at IHOP (yummy) and then did a crap ton of shopping at Trader Joe’s for all sorts of stuff that we don’t have here. Trader Joe’s is honestly such a treasure – I got organic shampoo and conditioner, along with some delicious teas like Moroccan mint and Winter Spice.

After that, we got some chicken sandwiches at Popeye’s (another commodity we don’t have here), and then headed back out on the road to head home for the game. We got stuck in traffic, but it led to some very interesting road-trip talks that allowed us to get to know one another a little deeper. It was actually quite cute; we talked about old high school days, what we were each like, old stories from those days, and so much more.

Alright well, I didn’t get too far with this because of how distracted I got, heh. But on the bright side – I just got replenished in my ADHD medication! Which I can start as soon as I get over this cold. I can’t wait to get a little normalcy back in my life and be able to focus better.

I’m going to try to continue once I’m back from work tonight. I have to get to work a little early, so I’m off to get ready! Be right back!

Back! For a short while anyways, until my cold medication kicks in.

So, onto the game! We headed back from Buffalo to my house to kill time until the game, and my mom and dad picked up a little birthday cake for him as a surprise, which was super sweet. Secretly, I was waiting for the ticket upgrades to be released – originally, I had bought tickets in the upper bowl level, but I thought it’d be a nice gift to him to sit in the lower bowl area closer to the court. I’d never experienced that before, and I thought it’d be a nice surprise. Once the moment hit right before we left, I quickly upgraded the tickets so that we were sitting in the 100’s instead. So ultimately, I did get to surprise him in some way in the end.

I was bursting with excitement; I could barely hold it in as we drove over. Once we parked and made our way into the center, he started looking for an escalator for us to make our way up the upper bowl. But I diverted him towards our new section, and he was so confused LOL. Once we got to our section, I stopped, looked at him and went, “we’re here!” 

His face, LMAO. The first thing he asked me was, “what did you do?!?!?” but once we walked into the lower bowl towards our seats, his look changed to one of pure shock and awe, which made my heart so incredibly happy. Once we took our seats, we both just sat there staring at the court because neither of us had ever sat that close before. There were even servers asking us what we would like to order to have directly delivered to our seats! It was wild, but also super fun to be kind of bougie for once, hehe. 

He was so happy, and said that this was one of the best birthdays he’s ever had. And I’m so glad; it was honestly so worth every single penny I spent on that upgrade. I even caught myself thinking how nice of an experience this was for myself, seeing as I’ve never experienced anything like that. I was grateful to be able to pull off something like that for the both of us. In the end, it’s the experiences that count the most and not the money that comes and goes. 

Anyways, it ended up being a super fun game to watch, and at the end of the night we went over to his brother’s place for some drinks and some cake. It was the perfect day, and I hope I made his birthday equally as wonderful as he made mine. 

Fast forward to our anniversary now: he’d asked me earlier on in the week what I’d like to do for our anniversary, whether I wanted to go for dinner or not. Honestly, I was perfectly happy just spending the night in with him, building a gingerbread house. Even then, he managed to make the night so incredibly special and I know for a fact I’ve found the right guy for me. 

When he picked me up after work, I opened the passenger side door to get in and found a bottle of red wine, my favourite chocolates and a hand-written note waiting for me in the seat. (SO. ROMANTIC. I CAN’T.) The note was very similar to my own hand-written letter I’d written for him. But my favourite part in the letter was where he wrote, “to many more years, and many more adventures.” MANY MORE YEARS! YAYAYAYYA. 

Once we got to his place, he told me he had a surprise waiting for me but that there was a bit of fine print attached to it. Curious, I sat down in his room and waited for him to retrieve said surprise. The fine print was, was that if I accepted my anniversary gift from him, then I had to accept my Christmas gift as well. This was perfectly fine with me, so I agreed.

The first gift I opened was the new Pokémon game, Pokémon Sword. Earlier that month, we’d been lightly talking about the new games and which of the two we’d get if we had to choose, and I chose Sword. Except, these games were meant for the latest game console out at the moment, the Nintendo Switch. I looked up at him in pure shock, because beneath this first gift was the second, and the second was a rather large box… 

In pure excitement, I ripped off the wrapping paper with no time to spare. THIS. GUY. GOT. ME. A. NINTENDO. SWITCH. LMFAO. 

I honestly had no words. It was (and is) such an extravagant gift. I’m used to spoiling people, in fact I thoroughly enjoy doing so, but I’m not quite so used to having it returned to me in such flair. I thanked him profusely and told him this was such a wonderfully thoughtful and massive gift to me. (And it really is, these things aren’t cheap damn). 

The funny thing is, the main reason I’d personally prompted those conversations earlier in the month was because I myself was also considering getting him the exact same gift – a Nintendo Switch and a new game. It’s still not off the table in all honesty – come Christmas, he may very well be getting one too because I know how much he loves to game, like me. So, we really do spoil each other. 

The thing that matters most to me is that we don’t just spoil each other materialistically though; we spoil each other in our affection for one another, how each of us equally plans outings and time spent with one another, we spoil each other in our love for one another and how much each of us is immediately ready to give, no holds barred. How honest we are with each other about how we feel. That’s what makes me most happy about how giving each of us are. We’re generous in all ways possible. 

I’ve never dated another “giver” such as myself before. It’s… liberating. It’s magic. Again, I’m not talking in the physical materialistic sense (as grateful as I am, of course). In all those other ways. I’ve always felt like I gave freely but never received equally in turn. I was left begging for affection, attention, consideration, and ultimately, love. But here, in this safe little house I’ve built with this wonderful person, I have everything I need and I never have to ask. He just knows. 

Anyways, the rest of our anniversary night went so well: he read the letter that I wrote him, and he loved my “house” metaphor. He agreed that we’ve built a good one. We drank wine, cuddled, and built up our gingerbread house together. We watched the Office, we dashed out for some quick Chinese takeout, and I played some Pokémon while he watched. All in all, it was the perfect one-year anniversary, perfectly us. And I so look forward to every anniversary to follow. 

My heart is happy. We recently had a really deep conversation about the nature of life, dreams, and settling. I told him that every time I think about settling in life, I think about how if I had settled in my relationships, I never would have met him. And he feels the same way. He and our relationship with one another is one of the main reasons that I know that life can be exactly what I want it to be. 

Well, that’s about it for the catch-up! Ah yes, the Caamp concert. AMAZING. AMAAAAAZING! They were so, so good live. When they performed Strawberries with their featured violinist, I actually cried. It was so incredibly beautiful, and I can’t stop replaying it in my head now. It was the perfect end to this year. 

Speaking of the end of this year… wow. 2019 is speeding towards its close, and what a years its been. There’s still some time left so I won’t recap, but wow. Wow. Definitely a tougher year. But you know, it’s all for a reason. Everything always is. 

It’s getting late now, so I shall hit the hay. But, maybe I’ll be back tomorrow to write a proper catch-up log about myself and how things are going and what I’m looking forwards to in regards to this month, and the new year. 

Until then! 

Love always, 

Me.

Day 365 – December 31st, 2017

Oh god. My heart is skipping beats as I type that title. 365! Day 365. I have made it through this entire year, documented every thing I went through, learned and experienced. I want to cry, but in happiness. What a year it’s been. This has to be one of the most amazing years of my life thus far.

And I have excited butterflies in my stomach because with everything I have learnt this year, I know for a fact that 2018 is going to be doubly better for everything I learnt and I can’t wait. Everyone’s saying it; that 2018 is going to be one of the best years yet. And with that collective energy, it’s bound to be manifested.

But here I am now, standing at the entrance of my work, waiting for Olivia and my dad to pick me up so that we can head to Brampton. I know I won’t find any other moment to reflect once I get there, so it has to be now.

So let’s begin.

One year ago, where was I?

In a relationship, comfortable but seeking more. I was unhappy, uncertain, but there was a flicker of a flame within me that knew there was more to life than what I was experiencing.

A flicker that grew into a roaring flame as this year progressed.

I ended that relationship of 3 years, and voluntarily launched myself out of that comfort zone as though I cut the string of my own catapult.

I began to read books that not only opened my eyes but my mind as well. This year, awareness, consciousness and mindfulness were all introduced into my life in many different ways.

I travelled, SO MUCH! I went to Hawaii, to Las Vegas, and even Grand Cayman Island! I snorkelled amongst hundreds of fish, with sea turtles and starfish and stingrays!!! I adventured on my own on the Las Vegas strip, enjoyed my own company and had a blast. I grew as a person amongst all the lush foliage and beautiful vibes of Hawaii, and explored almost the entire island of Grand Cayman.

I got back into school, my degree, and rediscovered why I got into Psychology in the first place. I renewed my faith in myself and my path, and finally cast away the idea of a “timeline” and that I was a failure for not following that timeline. I offered myself compassion instead, reached out to myself and pulled myself forward.

I began to invest in myself properly – I maintained my therapy consistently in order to rewire my old perceptions of self, to rewire the pains of my past and the effects they had on my current life situation. I worked out, I meditated consistently, began yoga, and fed my mind and soul through making sure I was surrounded by like-minded people.

This year has done so much for me. Actually, have done so much for myself within this year.

I cultivated and focused on my relationships with the people I care most about. I know sometimes I got busy and couldn’t quite keep up, but I never lost faith in my friendships with Leila and Avery. I know we’re all in this for the long haul, no matter what. I couldn’t be happier or prouder to have such amazing best friends in my life. I know we’re going to continue to grow together and inspire each other, be there for one another.

And my family, the people I’ve grown up with and who are now coming into their own. We bonded this year, spent time together making invaluable memories that I will cherish always. This year, we definitely grew closer than ever.

I maintained a friendship with Nick. We survived the post-breakup process, passed the harder tests and now we’re in a good place. I’m glad I didn’t lose connection completely.

I lost a what I thought was a good friendship too. I know it’s for the better though – it already feels like it’s come to its organic end now. Luna and I will never go back to what we had, and that’s okay. We spent a beautiful year together, travelling everywhere and laughing and learning together. This year has taught me that not everyone who comes into your life is meant to stay.

I worked three different jobs this year!!! I went from retail industry to the hospitality industry, did both at once at one point, and then left both to begin freelance demoing, which I know was ultimately meant for me. I shined – I thrived and flourished with the motivation my raise gave me. Finally, I am exactly where I am meant to be in this current moment.

I also faced a huge fear this year. I fell for someone hard, and I told him. I threw caution to the wind and let myself be as vulnerable as humanly possible. And, even though it didn’t quite go as expected, I know everything turned out exactly as it was meant to.

I gained an amazing new friend. Actually, Dylan happened to came by work today and he brought me some amazing tea from Lebanon that his grandmother brought back, which was really sweet. The way he looks at me still gives me butterflies, but I know those will make their way out as time passes. He still has so much to learn and ways to go, and so do I. But, I’m proud of me. I always will be. I hope he always knows that I meant every word I told him.

And so, in summarization (courtesy of an excerpt from my birthday log):

“I ended my relationship of three years, I travelled to three different countries, I got a second job, I quit both and got a better job with better pay, I got back into school with all of my might, I kept up with counselling, I spent time with the people I love, made amazing memories and laughed until I cried. But most importantly? I spent this year of my life falling in love with me. I forgave myself for whatever self-perceived mistakes I’ve made, I offered myself sincere compassion and a helping hand, I meditated and worked out and took care of my mental well-being. I spent time with myself, took myself out to the movies and to dinner, watched the sunrise on my own, adventured out and about by myself until I learned to become comfortable, (and happy!) with my own company. I learnt that I have an incredible inner energy that radiates out of me; I learnt that I can protect it but also offer it to the people who deserve it or need it. I finally learned the true nature of consistency – it came from within me. The moment I chose myself, the moment I chose to fill my inner well, everything else in my life became stable. All the bridges and foundations in my life finally stabilized, grew stronger. My relationship with myself shed light on every other relationship I’ve cultivated in my life.

I am in awe of how far I’ve come. And I am so incredibly excited for everything else to come, for me.”

My heart is so full. I can’t ask for more than this. This year was truly a blessing and a gift to me.

And so, with everything I have learnt this year, I look forward to applying it all once 2018 begins. I know 2018 will bring to me all that I seek, all that I know I deserve, all that is meant for me, all that I conspire to manifest with the universe.

I couldn’t be more proud of myself or more happy. This year was the year I fell in love with me. And I promise to myself that I will continue to cultivate, feed and nurture that love for as long as I live.

I’ve been through so much and I survived it all. And now I know with complete and utter faith, that no matter what life may bring to me, I will get through it all with my head held high and my heart open and free.

2017, thank you. Universe, thank you.

And me?

Thank you.

Here’s to ringing in this New Year with all the light and love that my heart can hold.

2018… 2018 is the start of a brand new 365-page book that I can’t wait to write. I look forward to what every page holds for me. I intend to make this chapter of my life one of the best yet.

Time to draw this chapter to a close.

With love, always.

Me.

Day 357, 358, 359, 360 – December 23rd – 26th, 2017

Hello! I’m back.

…technically not really “back” from anything I suppose, but a brief hiatus from writing once again.

Lots to cover! And, for once, I actually have a moment to write – I don’t work early tomorrow, which means that I can sit and type here for a while about everything I’ve missed over the past couple days.

So, what has happened?

Well, the Annual Cousinly-Christmas sleepover took place in Waterloo this year and it was so, so much fun! We played pass the parcel, did dares, prank called people, and so much more. I’m so glad that despite everything that’s happened this year between everyone that we were still able to set it all aside and have a nice Christmas get-together the way that family should.

Christmas also came and went, and hands down it was one of the best Christmases yet. We actually spent time with our parents, teaching them old elementary school games like stella-ella-ola and concentration. And then we played a rousing and competitive game of scattegories which had everyone roaring with laughter at the amount of lowkey cheating that was going on.

After that, we actually did a little bit of carolling for the parents and the parents carolled for us too. The best part of all of this was that for the most part, we put all of our phones away and actually spent time with one another and bonded. I’m so glad that we were able to do that, because those little moments are so precious and hard to come by.

Now that I’ve written about what I’ve missed these past couple days, it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty and finally ask myself something that I haven’t asked in a while…

HOW AM I!?

I’ve been working so much that literally everything I’ve loved to do for myself has been put on the backburner. Today, I sat down with Olivia and had a genuine and real conversation with her and realized multiple things.

Such as, I’ve stopped meditating for the past 2 or 3 weeks. And man, I didn’t realize it until today, but what a difference.

Olivia wasn’t the only one to point it out to me today – this friend of mine at work named Michelle kept telling me that I seemed “low” today, even though to me, I seemed fine. But it all makes sense now.

Without having been able to work-out, or read for myself, or meditate, my vibration frequency has been lowering! And just a couple weeks ago, it was in such a good place and consistently high that that good energy became my norm. Throughout these past couple weeks, that energy has slowly been draining and I haven’t been doing anything whatsoever to replenish it because work has literally consumed my life.

I myself didn’t even realize I was at a low. But it makes sense now that I think about it – my anxiety has been back, cropping up at random moments even when everything is good. Such as, during the Christmas sleepover when I was surrounded by the people I loved, or on my way back home yesterday after an amazing day spent with family. I know how to deal with my anxiety now but it makes sense as to why it’s been making a reappearance.

I truly hadn’t realized the true impact that meditating every single day consistently was making in my life, until now. And now, I know I need to get back to it.

Because, Olivia also pointed out to me today that I’ve been rather distant and detached. That when I come home from work, I pop in my earphones and disconnect from everything around me. I shut down. And if I’m not shutting down, I’m immediately coming home in order to sleep and wake up the next day to do it all again.

Once again, I didn’t realize this until she pointed it out to me. And again, in retrospect, I understand why – I shut down when I come home because I’m so tired of constantly being around people that I need my brain to shut down for a little. What I didn’t realize was that in doing this, I’ve been shutting out my family.

I cannot wait for my hours to get cut down. Actually, I’ve already managed to pass off about ten hours of work this week to someone else, thank goodness. I need to start re-prioritizing again until work falls back down where it belongs on the scale.

I need to be around people outside of work, such as my family and my friends. I also need to start spending time alone in the healthy replenishing ways that I used to before work became such a priority – I need to get back to working out, meditating every day, yoga, reading my amazing books, and writing to myself. These are the ways in which I keep my energy high, keep elevating my vibration.

I’m not worried because I know that ultimately things will change, as they always do, as life goes on. My current situation now won’t be my situation next week, as what it is right now isn’t what it was last week. Things are always changing. I have to do all that I can for myself in this present moment.

So, I’m going to start by meditating tonight before I go to sleep. And tomorrow, I’m going to work out. But right now, in this present moment, I am doing something for me by sitting right here and typing this log.

And man, does it ever feel good.

So, back to that question again: how have I been? What’s been going on with me?

Well, let’s see.

Immediately what came to mind was the state of my relationships with other people. But before all of that, how’s my relationship with me?

I guess I’m a little concerned about my recent feelings of anxiety. Oh, I’m worried about the state of my finances too! Because, I’ve been working so much and I feel like I don’t have anything to show for it, and sometimes I actually don’t know where all my money is going. Which means, come New Year, I’m making it one of my massive priorities to spend less and save more.

I know people do the whole “new year, new me” thing. But the funny thing is, that’s exactly what I did for myself this year – from start to finish, I changed things for myself. I manifested amazing opportunities, achieved some pretty incredible things. So, regardless of how mocked that new beginning is, I’m about to make the most of yet another beginning that I’m about to be blessed with, and I cannot wait.

I can’t wait to write down my resolutions when I’m ready to. This year has taught me the power of manifesting your intentions, the law of attraction, how you can bring your intentions to life by conspiring with and believing in the universe. So I know now, more than ever, that whatever I set my mind, heart and soul to, I can achieve for myself, (if and when it’s meant to be and meant for me).

One thing I’m insanely proud of myself for this year, is how consistently I went about getting help for myself. Sticking through my therapy, even when things felt “fine” or “good”. I re-wired so much of my old negative thought patterns, or my old insecurities, my fears.

I’m so happy that I cared enough about myself to actively seek help. Nadia has changed my life, but in truth and ultimately, I changed my own life by finding her. By realizing I loved myself enough to want more for me. To want a better quality of life, a real and consistent sense of happiness that came from within. I knew it existed and I wanted it more than I wanted anything else.

Six years was six years too long to remain on autopilot. To have constant break downs and anxiety attacks with no respite. To get through each and every one of my days in a numb blur, with no significant growth or progress. It took hitting rock bottom multiple times and unknowingly settle into it to realize that I wanted more from my life. And that the power to receive more from my life rested in my own hands.

Never again will I allow myself to settle back into autopilot. Never again will I allow myself to ever berate, blame, or guilt myself for anything outside of my control. Never again will I ever victimize myself and believe that I do not have direct control over my health, physical, mental and emotional. I will always have a choice. Everything is a choice. I am not helpless. I never was.

I’m in a good place with me. A better place than ever before. And I know that it’s only going to get better as I continue to learn and grow as a person. Life consistently finds new ways to show me that I have so much more to learn, and I love every moment of it all.

Now, I can talk about my external stuff with other people.

Let’s see…

I know a conversation with Luna is coming up sometime soon. Or, maybe it won’t happen now that we’ve settled into this new way of being – we say hi at work, talk when it’s necessary regarding sales or samples, and that’s about it. I can quite literally feel the hurt coming off of her in waves when she walks past me though, masked by pride and defensiveness.

Nadia told me that my relationships with people don’t necessarily have to be black and white, and she’s right. I don’t quite know what my new relationship with Luna will entail moving forward. I still have a couple resentments that I know I’m holding onto. I especially realize this when people bring the situation up when they’re talking to me and I end up spewing a lot of unnecessary venom about it all.

Sometimes I’m at peace with it, but the minute someone brings it up again, it’s like I’m reliving it once more. So, something has to change. I have to come to terms with and let go of what’s happened. I can’t change any of it. I can only move forward.

Alright, so Luna inadvertently had a hand in getting Dylan fired. But, Dylan was planning on leaving anyways, and he was much happier at Hillcrest. So what am I holding onto here?

I know the answer to this one: I blame Luna for the current state of my friendship with Dylan. When in truth, it’s not her fault completely. Actually, the current state of our friendship doesn’t really have anything to do with her whatsoever. I wasn’t ready to let go and say goodbye, but everything happens as it’s meant to. But more on that later.

Next: she almost got me fired, and jeopardized the jobs of some extremely hard-working single moms that I work with, and their kids. But, I didn’t get fired. And neither did anyone else from my team. So what am I holding onto in this regard?

Answer: I didn’t like how it felt when my manager was going through our schedule. I was terrified. I blame Luna for that feeling of discomfort, when in truth, it was our manager who was going through our schedule. I attribute this action to Luna, however.

Next: I can’t shake the fact that that night Dylan got fired and she called me, she knew the truth about the reason our manager gave him when she fired him. But, she went around that truth and said a whole bunch of other reasons (including things that even lowkey implicated me), but didn’t admit to the blame herself. I hadn’t even known she’d known the truth during that phone call, and I hadn’t said anything because it wasn’t my place to. But learning that she’d known all along and the fact that she still defended her opinions a couple days after? It bothered me that she couldn’t accept responsibility for the role that she played in all of this, that she couldn’t set her aside her pride for a single moment to apologize to anyone, namely Sera and Dylan. I didn’t need an apology, nor do I expect one. All I hoped was that she’d own up to what she’d said and try to make amends with everyone. Instead, she clung to her guns and played the victim where she could, blaming everyone but herself.

There we go. That’s the big ticket reason right there ^. I see her differently now because of the way she refused to admit that she fucked up, even if it was an unintentional fuck-up.

Because self-preservation matters more to her than her own relationships with others. No matter how much she may have said that she trusted people or loved people or how much she claimed she was a good and loyal friend, her actions countered her words in the end. She chose herself rather than taking a moment to step down from her pedestal to apologize and admit she’d done wrong. And in that choice, she severed her relationships with the few people she claimed to be closest with in our department.

Including me.

The deep respect and admiration I once had for her is no longer there. I know that people mess up, I know that no one is perfect. I know that we are all human. But I don’t think it would be healthy for me to maintain a relationship with someone who believes that they can do no wrong. That they are always right. The kind of person who bends the rules to make them work for themselves, but berates and belittles anyone else who does remotely the same.

Someone who makes everything their business in order to feel important or involved – not because they genuinely care.

Wow.

That’s a lot of realizations to be had.

I’ll always be thankful for everything she taught me. I’ll always be grateful for the amazing experiences we shared together over our multiple travels this year. A part of me will always care about her because despite her incessant need for self-preservation, I know she’s got a good heart and she cares deeply about the people in her life. She’s a smart and confident woman who taught me that I should walk into a room like I’m Miss Universe and expect to be treated like nothing less than that. She’s crazy funny and I know she encouraged me and wanted what was best for me.

I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is that I can’t hold resentment in my heart any longer. I have to let go. Maybe not of her, completely, but of the reactions I had to this situation.

So, no more talking about her with resentment. No more venting about her to people, no more talking about the situation at all. I choose to be at peace. I choose to let go. I choose to move forward.

If anyone brings it up out of curiosity, I must choose to react consciously and with that peace and kindness. I don’t hold grudges, I won’t let that be the kind of person that I am.

And that’s that.

It’s getting late now, but I don’t want to go to bed without addressing the last thing that I can feel circulating around my heart (unless that’s actual heartburn… I’m not completely sure LMAO).

As I mentioned before: the current state of my friendship with Dylan.

Eh. Well.

We’ve been talking here and there, snapchatting here and there. It’s mostly been me, I think – I’m the one who’s been messaging or snap-chatting first, trying to make an effort.

I wonder if it’s been misconstrued though? Like, just today we were texting sort of, and he called me “dude” again. Why does that bother me so much!? It’s literally just a word.

This is what my ego-mind says in response to that: I GET IT, “DUDE”. We’re just friends. You only see me as a friend. You don’t need to keep calling me dude in an effort to get the point across, the point has been successfully made, thank you, bye.

My ego mind is defensive and that word bothers me because it makes me feel like all the feelings I had for him this year were a waste of time with no point.

But me, the me that’s come so far and learnt so much, knows better than that.

By liking him, I realized what I wanted for myself moving forward. Someone who’s mature, conscientious, kind, adventurous, funny, respectful, intelligent, out-going and an all-around good person. Someone I could potentially travel with, someone who is as equally compassionate as I am, someone I can talk to endlessly and have fun with.

I know I still don’t know him completely, and I’m sure he doesn’t even know himself completely, and I also know I idealized the hell out of him too. I know perfect people don’t exist.

He also brought the Alchemist into my life, at a time I needed it most. It was a huge part of my trip to Hawaii. I met him for a whole bunch of different reasons.

But that’s about it.

The reason I was struggling so much with my resentment towards Luna in regards to the fact that he was suddenly let go from work was because, I feel like I wasn’t ready to let go. To say goodbye. A part of me knew or felt like that was the end and I wasn’t ready for it. But that’s life. It brings things or people into your life when you need them most and takes them away just as fast when it’s time for them to go.

I would love to be friends. But he’s making me feel weird. Or rather, I might be projecting my own insecurities about the friendship onto the way he’s talking to me now perhaps. “Dude” is literally just a word. And even throughout this year, we never really talked a lot when we were outside of work. So, I guess nothing has changed.

I know he only sees me as a friend and he made that very clear, but I would have loved to have known what went on inside of his head in reaction to everything I’d said and the ways I felt about him.

Did it freak him out? Was it all one-sided on my part? Did he do his best to let me down as respectfully or as gently as he could without addressing anything directly?

But really though… was it only me? Was it all in my head? Was any of it real or just tons of hormones and neuro-chemicals?

That moment on the dock underneath the stars… that felt real to me. Even the moment we finally talked when we went back to that restaurant we first went to, that felt like a real connection to me too.

I guess I’ll never know, and I just have to be okay with not knowing.

And so, yet another chapter in my life closes. Now, I have to continue to process and slowly let go of all of these feelings until there’s nothing left but platonic friendly ones.

A part of me is wondering how exactly I’m going to go about doing that. But, I know that time is ultimately going to be the best bet in this situation. That, and just accepting things for what they are, nothing more and nothing less.

Dylan is a great guy. Quite close to being my “ideal” guy, all idealizations aside. The self-awareness and introspection is what got me the most. But ultimately, it is what it is. He has ways to go for himself on a path that probably doesn’t include me in the ways that I wanted, and that’s okay. I’m always going to be thankful that I met him, grateful for the ways I felt about him and what it taught me.

A big, big part of me is saying all of this with the expectation that this is where our friendship slowly comes to an end as well. I know that that expectation is stemming from a part of me that’s afraid of getting hurt by hoping for anything more than that. That expectation exists as a means to protect myself.

But eh. I’m doing my part for the meantime, being myself, keeping in touch here and there (sometimes I even worry that I’m trying a little too hard). I want him to know that I understand that he doesn’t feel the same way and that that’s okay, I’m letting go of all of that. I don’t want him to feel weird about me. I get it. But I’m sure that’ll become clear in time.

And this year? I have the opportunity to take my “me-ship” (relationship with myself) to the next level; laser-focusing on what I want for myself, while bettering myself all the while. I can start directing more and more of my energies inwards, as external things (relationships, namely), make their way out of my life. I want to do more things for me, by myself. I want to travel on my own. Maybe to Costa Rica or Europe this year. I want to keep exploring this city by myself, take myself out, and find quiet little nooks and crannies to read in during the summer.

I intend to be alone for as long as I need to be, until I meet someone who’s on a similar vibration as I am. Self-aware, introspective, intent on bettering their quality of living while maintaining a consistent sense of happiness that comes from within rather than from external things or people.

But most importantly, I think I’m going to stop actively searching for this “person” in everyone I meet. When I’m meant to find them, they’ll find me. And I’ll know. I have faith in that. I trust in that process.

Anyways, I feel great after having written this log, in this present moment.

I have tomorrow morning off so I’m going to work out, read a little, just have some me-time.

And, seeing as there’s only about 4 days left in this year, I’m going to continue to read this log from start to finish before this year ends!

Until I write next,

Love always,

Me.

Day 351, 352, 353, 354, 355, 356 – December 17th – 22nd, 2017

I HAVEN’T WRITTEN IN SIX DAYS!!?!?!!

It honestly didn’t feel that long, what the hell! It’s pretty much been a week since I wrote last. I think these days have blurred by together into one long day because of, of course, work.

So, note to self for future reference: never again. I mean, it wasn’t that bad, I’m not overly exhausted or anything like that. Granted, I’m extremely grateful for this day off because it feels like I haven’t had a day off in forever. But yeah, never again… I think.

Okay, it really wasn’t that bad. What sucked was that it felt like I had no time for anything else – like these past couple weeks, it’s felt like I’ve been living at work. I haven’t had time for much else, so there was a bit of an imbalance. But, I did manage to find some time to do things for me: I went out for Olivia’s birthday despite working an eleven hour shift beforehand, I had an evening off to spend with Leila, and I had a morning off this week to add two new tattoos to my collection!

I have permanently embedded onto my skin two major lessons I have learnt this year: one, “have faith”, and two, “trust the process”. Even though I got them separately, they go hand in hand – faith comes with trust, and in order to understand that everything happens for a reason and truly accept it, one must have faith. I got them across my shoulders, and they’re so, so beautiful. I love all the tattoos I got this year. I’ll never forget all the growth and learning I did within this one year alone.

Wow, I’ve missed writing. I miss a lot of things actually; with all the work I’ve been doing, I haven’t had time to work out the way I enjoy, and I’ve been so tired after my shifts that I go straight to sleep without meditating. It makes me a little sad, but I know it’s only for a couple days more and then I get to strengthen my self-care routine once more in time for the New Year.

There’s been a lot of interesting instances happening over the course of this past week. I know that regardless of my mental exhaustion or prioritizing work over everything else, my energy is still good for the most part because I’ve been manifesting things without any real intention. Little things and medium things, but things nonetheless.

Like for example, lately I’ve found that I’ve both been giving my number out AND getting guys numbers a lot more now than I ever have within this entire year. I met a guy at Drake Hotel, I met a couple different guys at work, and had some really interesting conversations. And despite the fact that I’ve been giving my number out more than I ever have before, one thing lies in common with each of these instances: I never pursue them any further.

It all comes down to this one thing that I’ve realized: I don’t know what I want anymore, in regards to that aspect of my life. Like, the dating aspect. A part of me wants to be alone now, more than ever. And then a part of me wants to have fun, see different people with no expectations for more. But then another part of me wants to skip all that and go straight into having that stable relationship? But that part of me is very little now. I mostly just want to be alone, because I don’t want to engage in a relationship with anyone who isn’t as self-aware or conscientious as I currently am. Anything less than that would feel like a waste of time to me.

And I don’t know how to have casual fun and see different people. I never have before. I’ve only ever been in serious relationships. The thought of anything else kind of… I don’t know, I don’t really want it. I’m sure everyone should go through that phase of seeing different people and just being casual and hanging out and stuff. But I don’t know. It doesn’t appeal to me much. I wonder why that is.

Hence why I haven’t texted back even one of the multiple guys I’ve given my number to or whose number I myself have taken. The appeal of solitude outweighs the appeal for fun.

I think before this year ends, I need to sit down and re-focus on what I want from myself and for myself for this new year. When I wrote that first log in the beginning of this year, I wrote down all the things I wanted for myself and a lot of those things manifested, because I attributed some real weight to my intentions.

I have a really, really good feeling about this upcoming year! It’s 2018, and 18 is my number, the day of my birth. 2018 is the year that I’m really going to start solidifying everything that I want for myself, start truly applying the law of attraction. My relationship with the universe and my self have strengthened quite a bit this year, and 2018 is the year that it’ll show in everything I do and everything that manifests.

I’ve been starting to slowly re-read this entire log from the start, little by little. I want to re-read the whole thing before this year ends, to see how far I’ve come. And already, it’s amazing to see the difference a year can make. On the last day of this year, I will do a massive reflective log, comparing then to now.

And then I will let go. Let go of it all so that I can truly focus on the now and give power to it, only taking with me everything I have learnt this year. Another massive thing I’ve learnt this year is that there is no time like the now. Not tomorrow, or yesterday, or a week or two from now. Everything I want to do for myself, there will be no better time than the present moment I currently reside in, right this second.

So, with that said, it’s time for me to end this log! Tonight, my family and I will be getting together to celebrate Christmas and I’m so happy and excited. For the first time this season, it’s actually beginning to feel a lot more like Christmas.

Next week, I won’t be working as much, so I will find more time to write as I need to. I’ll be reflective but also talking about what I want from the upcoming year. But more than either of those things, I intend to enjoy every single day remaining within this year, to the best of my abilities. What a year it’s been.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 346, 347, 348, 349, 350 – December 12th to 16th, 2017

Hello! My goodness, it’s been a while. I’ve been meaning to write when I can but it’s currently the same old song and dance with work at this moment. I don’t think I’ve ever worked such long hours in my life! So this is what the adult world can consist of sometimes eh. Back to back eleven hour shifts. I still got that energy though (for the most part).

Like physically, I feel okay! I know I didn’t get much sleep last night but I don’t feel that much tiredness through my shifts. But mentally and emotionally? That’s a bit of a different story.

This past week has passed by pretty uneventfully for the most part. I had a day off and it was so, so nice to just stay at home for once. I also had my appointment with Nadia!

I talked about what was going on at work for the most part, and she gave me as much unbiased feedback as she could, being an outside perspective. She doesn’t think I’m overthinking or overreacting (which was my main concern), when it comes to the situation with Luna. She also believes that I will ultimately make the best decision I can for myself when the time comes, so I shouldn’t worry. I agree with her.

And today at work, Luna came up to me and kind of cornered me in my house, and hugged me and said that she missed me. I couldn’t even really look at her in all honesty, because she was tearing up. Am I wrong to feel like it wasn’t genuine? I don’t know. She said she missed me, and just me, and she asked if I’m “still mad at her”.

I explained that I’m not mad at her, that I just need space for the time being.

It made me really uncomfortable. I felt guilty, and it kind of went against my wishes for space.

I don’t know what to think sometimes. I avoid thinking about it altogether actually, because I’m so focused on work. But when I do think about it, I’m still as disappointed as I was when it all first went down.

When I step back from the situation, away from everyone else’s opinions or perspective of her, and think of things in my own perspective I can see how I excused some of the bad qualities she possesses; solely because I chose to focus on the good. And who’s perfect anyways? Certainly not I. No one is. But, some of those bad qualities…

I’ve seen her be mean to someone based on no other feeling than just a gut feeling, because she simply “didn’t like someone”. I know she’s always had a tendency to get involved in matters that had nothing to do with her and she’s even acknowledged it herself, that she can’t stay out of things. But, I always saw it in a way where she seemed to be a defender, someone who stood up for what they believed was wrong.

Except this time, when she got involved with work stuff, it was targeted against me and my team. It resulted in the firing of a good friend. And rather than admitting she fucked up or apologizing to the parties affected, she feigned ignorance to me. Omitting the truth is a form of lying, and she had known the truth all along.

I know that when you love someone, you give second chances. You learn to forgive. You make it work.

And after this year of travelling with Luna and all the amazing things we did and saw together, I’ve definitely grown to love her, for sure.

So why is it so difficult imagining resuming our friendship as it once was?

I guess, when I break it down, it’s that I looked up to Luna a lot. It sucks when people you look up to disappoint you. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her the same way again. If she had just been honest with me and admitted she felt bad about the part she played in all of this, then maybe a part of the respect I had for her would still be intact. But she went with protecting and defending herself, rather than allowing herself to be vulnerable and admit that she did something wrong. She even stood by her damaging opinions, because in her character she’d rather go down with her own sinking ship rather than admit that it’s sinking at all.

I do miss her too. I told her that today, being honest with her. I’m struggling with this so much because I don’t want to lose a good friend. But a part of me feels like… it’s already gone. It won’t ever be the same.

I keep switching back and forth between relief (oddly enough) and regret. Relief stemming from where exactly? Well, a part of me doesn’t want to maintain a relationship with anyone who has the capacity to be toxic, manipulative, or self-serving. So, that part of me is kind of relieved that I’ve seen the truth of her character so early into our friendship. Regret stems from the fact that she and I got so close this year and she brought a lot of good into my life and now it feels like none of it matters.

I think I know what’s going to happen come January. I do believe that everything happens for a reason in this life. Maybe Luna was my security blanket when it comes to a lot of things, not just travel. Maybe I’m meant to lose some of the attachments in my life to form new ones, with myself. To trust myself more, to branch out on my own and adventure solo. There’s been a couple of different goodbyes and endings within this month alone in some of my relationships, and they’re not ones I chose or wanted. But again, everything happens for a reason.

I have to trust in my intuition, to listen to myself to understand what I truly want and need for me. I want to be surrounded by kindness and positivity, but first those are things I need to cultivate within myself consistently. Everything within will be reflected externally, eventually.

As for work, there’s only about one more week left until Christmas. While I do love the holiday spirit, I can’t help but look forward to the end of this retail season. I can’t wait to get back to my routine, full of self-care and growth and balance. Right now, there’s too much of an imbalance. But everything will be fine, I know this.

I feel a lot better having written about all of this, as the same thoughts were beginning to take up a little too much room in my mind.

Onto other matters… hmm, let’s see.

Olivia’s birthday celebration was last night!! It was so much fun to go out dancing. As much as I don’t enjoy clubbing anymore, I would never turn down a cool bar with a sick dance floor. I truly hope she had just as much fun because she deserves it.

Sometime during the week, Sera told me that Dylan messed up his hip during jiu-jitsu and I ended up messaging him about it to make sure he was all good, in a friendly way of course.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot less since he made it clear that he only sees me as a friend. Which is good, I know. But when I mentioned those endings up there ^ in my relationships, I know I also meant him.

I know it’s way too soon to say this and maybe I’m saying it in an effort to protect myself from any expectations that could lead to disappointment but… a big part of me thinks that this is it, the end.

The one thing that linked us together in the first place, that introduced him into my life, has been eradicated – he’s not coming back to work, not ever. If that’s not the universe’s way of making a choice for me, I don’t know what is.

He said he’d let me know when he’s free to hang out when he got back from the US, where he currently is. But honestly? I really don’t think he’s going to.

When I try to look at this objectively and separate myself from the situation, I can see that this is definitely an effort to protect myself from pain – my ego-mind is trying to set up a situation with the lowest possible expectations in an attempt to stave off disappointment. I don’t want to hope for anything more, even if it is just friendship now.

I have to constantly remind myself to just, let things be. To surrender, to let go. To let things play out as they will, to make efforts where necessary or possible, but then to let go and let the universe take its course. To trust in the process, to have faith.

If we’re meant to be friends, we will be. We’ll find a way. It’ll be a fifty-fifty effort, because that’s how friendship works. And if we’re meant to go off in separate directions now? Then it is what it is. I have to learn to accept that.

I cannot control every aspect of my life. I can only control and choose how I react to those things that are outside of my control. Everything else, I just need to surrender to.

Wow, this feels great to get out. But now, I must sleep.

There’s only about two weeks left of this month, and left of this entire YEAR. What more will this year bring before it truly ends? We’ll see.

Until then, I promise myself that I will keep smiling, dancing around, laughing incessantly and enjoying the little things wherever and whenever I can.

Until I write next!

Love always,

Me.

Day 344 + 345 – December 10th & 11th, 2017

The last days of this year are flying by quicker than ever, and because I’ve been working every day, they’re also beginning to blur together into one very long day. But I say this factually, and not in a complaining tone – I’m not that tired anymore, because I’m taking care of myself and making sure I do things for me. Soon, I’m going to have a full day off and an appointment with Nadia which is EXACTLY what I need.

Every day there’s some kind of new occurrence, so I better start making more effort to type every day. I should be sleeping right now though in all honesty, since I have another ten hour shift tomorrow. But I just have to give a brief description as to what I’ve missed in the last two days.

Since right now, my life mostly consists of work, it’s reflecting back in my logs at the moment. I’m literally working every single day, for ten hours at a time sometimes. I wake up, go to work, come home and sleep, and wake up again to go to work.

I still meditate every night before I go to sleep though, find moments in the morning to work out here and there throughout the week, and I’ve been drinking plenty of water, on the bright side! And during every shift, I keep a bright and beaming smile on my face and have fun with what I’m doing, despite all the toxicity flying around in the department. I know better than to let it get to me.

So, even though I’m talking a lot about work, at the end of the day I leave it all there and come home with ease (as much as I possibly can). I know this job is not my life. It’s a means to an end. I know I have so much more I have to do with my life.

Anyways, to address the situation there:

Yesterday (which was Sunday), Luna kept messaging and calling and asking me if I still wanted to go to Iceland with her if York went on strike, or if I wanted to go on break with her during our shift together. So, I decided to be mature and adult-like about the situation, and call her to tell her how I felt and where my head was at in regards to the situation instead of avoiding her calls and texts.

So I called her, and at first it was a lot of her venting and defending her position. I just quietly listened at first, to see if there was any guilt there, but there wasn’t any. I thought that maybe she wasn’t aware that our manager had used the family-member reasoning to let Dylan go, and I knew it wasn’t my place to tell her. I didn’t want her to feel bad, and I also didn’t want to affect her and Dylan’s relationship either (at this point, I wasn’t sure if Dylan knew about Luna’s comments either).

After a while of that, she finally let me speak. And I told her that I knew she never had any bad intention towards anyone and I’m sure she meant no harm, but some of her comments could have jeopardized not only my job but the job of some very hard working single mothers on my team. And while that had nothing to do with me, I just couldn’t understand why she chose to comment on the situation at all.

And again, she stood by what she had said: she really did think that family members shouldn’t work together because things could get tricky for the managers or the people in the department. And she said it wasn’t just her complaining about my team, it was the entire department. And not just the department, but the reps and vendors of the other companies too.

Nevertheless, I tried to make her understand it was the fact that she participated in any of it at all, that’s what hurt. Why couldn’t she just leave the matter be? I understand she’s entitled to her opinion, but that opinion was targeted against people who she said she considered to be her genuine friends, such as me and Dianne.

Why did she have to voice that opinion to someone who had the power to use that opinion as a reason to remove someone from our team? Especially someone who truly didn’t deserve to be disrespected in that way.

Anyways, I ultimately told her that she needed to look inwards and ask herself why she felt the need to comment on the situation at all. And after that, she asked what the state of our friendship was and if we’d still go on breaks and still travel together and stuff. And I told her that I just needed space, at least for the duration of the holiday season. I needed to figure things out and right now, I couldn’t do that while I was focusing on work. Which was exactly what I needed to do for the time being – just separate the personal from the professional and focus solely on doing my job.

She said she understood, and I told her that when I saw her in the department I’d still say hi and be friendly and stuff, it’s not in my nature to hold a grudge or be mean.

So that was yesterday, and the shift went well overall – there was lots of implicit hostility in the department but I got to stay at podium for the most part, which is great.

Today, it was much quieter and yet again I got to stay at podium and make my sales. We also found out that we’re currently the number one store in the incentive for the trip to Italy!!!!! We hit our target of $40,000 dollars, and we’ve even exceeded it. Not to mention, we still have three weeks to go so everything else we sell will be extra on top of that target. We really are a fantastic team.

I was snapchatting Dylan about the podium, which led to a conversation about how things were here. I told him that Luna and I were currently on the outs at the moment, and I also told him about an altercation I had with Ali today.

Ali snapped at me in front of a customer about a sale (because I wouldn’t give it to him, because I had already asked someone else to ring it through) and he got upset. But I stood my ground, regardless of him trying to be intimidating towards me.

Anyways, during our conversation, I told him he was lucky to have left when he did because the state of our department was getting worse by the day. Dylan implored me to complain about Ali, and I said I might, but honestly?

I’m not going to. I’ve already done some stuff I regret by actively ignoring both Ali and Kaleb when I come into work because that created an unnecessary hostility over the weekend. I don’t want to do something that’ll jeopardize someone’s job, their means to feeding their children and paying their bills.

Ultimately, my life will continue and I will not remember these little altercations, these moments of tension. I will not carry those moments forward with me once I leave. What I will remember, is how I handled myself with integrity despite everyone else’s actions or intentions. I would rather maintain my own peace of mind. I have nothing to gain from complaining about Wali to management. If he’s meant to leave that place, he will. But it won’t be because I contributed to it. It’ll be because that’s what was meant to happen by the universe’s design. And maybe even a little bit of karma.

Because, he’s the kind of person who doesn’t care about someone else’s job or livelihood, or children to feed or bills to pay. His world is very narrow and ego-centric. But ultimately, people like that usually get the wake-up call that’s meant for them.

So, I don’t have to do anything at all. The universe will take its course.

Anyways, we kept talking and he said he was kind of glad he’d left because if he’d been there and saw Ali yelling at me, he’d have lost it.

And then we talked about Luna. I asked him if Luna knew whether or not that he’d been let go because he was told that he couldn’t work there while his mom worked there. And… she did know. Dylan had told her right off the bat, when Luna called him.

So. She knew. She knew that she implicitly contributed to his leaving. And, Dylan was also aware of the comments that Luna made to our manager about family members working together.

When she called me that night and was feigning ignorance, it’s either because she was fishing to see how much I knew about the situation, or because she was waiting to see if I’d bring it up myself if I did know.

I have my valid reasons for not bringing it up with her: one, it was not my place to say so if she hadn’t known because it had nothing to do with me, and two, if I did bring it up, I was afraid it would make her feel guilty.

I also didn’t talk to Dylan about it, as much as I had wanted to, because I wasn’t sure whether or not he knew about the role she played (if indirectly) in his being asked to leave.

But he did know. So, I told him how disappointed I was in the whole situation and in her. I was sad that she wasn’t honest with me about what we both knew. I told him that I asked her for space, and he agreed that was a good idea until I thought about the situation further.

He also told me to message him to vent to him, if ever need be, which was nice.

He also called me “dude”, LOL.

Which brings me to the last thing I need to address before I go to sleep.

I know I wrote in my last log that I had set my feelings aside and that I was okay with just being his friend, and I meant that. The last time we hung out, the way we actually connected and had a real conversation, that was more than I could have asked for. And when he said he’d considered me one of his best friends despite knowing each other for a short time, I was genuinely happy and I still am.

But, that also didn’t allow me a moment to process the reality of the situation.

Which is, ultimately, he truly does only see me as a friend, with no potential for more despite the times we hung out outside of work.

I mean, he did go about breaking this to me as gently as possible, which was nice. It was indirectly, but the “dude” part today kind of made things a little bit more finite.

Eh. It is what it is. And checking my heart right now, I’m saying that quite honestly. There really aren’t any hard feelings.

I know earlier this year I said I’d rather keep the uncertainty than know how he feels. But now that I know, I’m actually kind of relieved. Because that means, for the first time in a very, very long time, I won’t be in a state of “crushing” on someone once this New Year begins.

When I read through this entire log, I can see that I spent a majority of this year in various intensities of feelings towards Dylan. Driven by what I knew of him, I couldn’t help but tell him how I felt in hopes for more. I know I wanted more. I genuinely liked him. And the more I got to know him, the harder I fell.

But, now that I know he only sees me and considers me as a friend, I can finally let go of those feelings for good. Because, I’m truly genuinely happy just being his friend. It means I can really be myself, and hopefully we can continue to foster the friendship in a more comfortable way.

I’ll never, ever regret telling him how I felt. It was one of the bravest things I’ve ever done for myself. I meant every word I said to him, and I hope the good of it all stays with him so he knows his worth and how special he is. And, I’m truly grateful that he replied as graciously as he did. He didn’t turn me down, or freak out and cut me off; him being the nice guy that he is, he asked me out on a date.

He’s definitely one of the rare ones. So, I can happily be okay with just being friends.

Well, it’s almost 12 now so I shall bring this log to an end. I wonder what the rest of this month holds for me. But for now, in this moment right here, I choose to be grateful. I choose to be forgiving. I choose to be… at peace. I have learnt a lot and come quite far, with still many ways to go. But… here’s to being right here, right now, in this moment.

Love always,

Me.

Day 341, 342, 343 – December 7th, 8th, & 9th, 2017

I can’t believe how quickly things are happening over the course of this month. It’s as though everything happens at once, now that this year is drawing to a close. Setting up the way that next year, the new chapter, will begin.

When it rains, it pours eh?

Also, I can’t even begin to fathom the way that the universe works. I’m truly in awe.

Okay, okay. I’m getting ahead of myself here. But where do I even start?

Alright, long story short at first: Dylan’s been let go from work, for good. He’s not allowed back.

I’m going to have to backtrack into how everything led to this in order for any of this to make sense, because there are a lot of things that led to this.

I haven’t really talked about here what’s been going on at work, because I’ve been doing my best to keep out of it and stay separate from all the negativity and politics that’s been going on. But, yesterday, it finally got to me a little. I’m okay now because I know that everything happens for a reason, and happens exactly as it’s meant to. And ultimately, it has nothing to do with me – I can go to work, do my job, and go home. As much as I’ve been practising being non-reactive and it’s been going well, yesterday I chose to react. And that’s okay.

Throughout this Christmas season, my team has been doing very, very well. We’ve been pulling in thousands of sales on a daily basis, and we have a very strong team who respects one another. We work well with each other.

But this has created some serious tension in our department as a result. Why?

Jealousy. Greed. There’s no other explanation for it.

Sure, there are “rules” in the department, regulating how we work. But our team was working with those rules, not around them. And as a result, we were flourishing.

People chose to not understand so that they had justification for complaining about us.

And when I say complain… it was a full-on attack from all sides. I’m sure everyone’s taken a moment to complain about our team, our success, our “unfair advantage” in their eyes.

Now, a part of me is watching me type this, knowing that I don’t have to. I can easily talk about what happened yesterday without having to delve into and give power to this negativity. But, this is another choice I’m consciously making for the time being. Right now, I want the context rather than the acceptance. I’m hoping that this will help me come to terms with my own thoughts and feelings so that I can properly let go, and properly prepare for my shift today.

(Because for the first time in my three years of working at this place, I’m finally dreading going into work).

Anyways, back to the context. Within my team, we have some family members working together. We may have a big team, but we have designated areas and lines for all of us, so that there’s no over-crowding. We have a lot of numbers to pull as well.

And so, people chose to use the family-member thing as a complaint. Comments were made about Sharon’s family, our team, that there were too many of us. No one cared that they were jeopardizing the jobs of single mothers who are trying to put their kids through school, trying to pay bills and take care of themselves and their family. No one cared that I have tuition to pay or bills to pay myself.

No one cared and no one chose to see past the possible consequences of the decision they were making to complain. And to complain, all because they weren’t selling as much as we were. To complain for the sake of complaining. All because Maria was doing well for herself. Because we were doing well as team.

Well. Now that that context has been set up.

There are a couple people that I’m aware of that have directly complained to our manager about my team. Kaleb, Ali and… Luna.

I know she tried to justify it. I know she explained time and time again that she was “trying” to understand, by asking us questions about who was working for what line, when there were a lot of us.

But she wasn’t. Because, Luna is such a “team-player” that when Kaleb and Ali complained to her, she couldn’t help but feel compelled to get involved, as she usually does.

A part of me feels that Ali and Kaleb knew exactly what they were doing when they complained to Luna. Luna has taken it upon herself to be the “defender of the department”. And unfortunately, the target was set on us. So, regardless of the fact that we’re all supposed to be friends, regardless of the fact that those complaints jeopardized our jobs, she still chose to take their side by putting in her own two cents to our manager too.

And I know she did, because she’s told me directly and tried to rationalize her comments too, by asking me if she was right or wrong.

She told our manager that when she used to work at HR at her old job, that family members weren’t allowed to work together.

Now, she says that she was just stating facts. But why? Why say anything at all? Why get involved? What did that benefit her, or us?

By making that comment, she chose what side she was on, and unfortunately her comments had some serious consequences.

Such as… that being the reason that Dylan got fired.

When Dylan was let go, he was told it was because he wasn’t allowed to work at our location while his mom was working there too.

And so, regardless of her intentions, regardless of whether or not she meant harm… her comments had some very serious consequences. Her choice to get involved led to a direct action. An action that has now jeopardized her relationships with everyone she once said she trusted the most in the department.

Including… me?

So, that’s what I’m wondering now.

How do I feel?

Well, before I get to that, let me finish the story.

Dylan had a shift yesterday, and I was keeping away from him because I knew if we went anywhere near each other, we’d end up talking just like we always love to do. But I didn’t want him to get into trouble. And he even mentioned that himself to me yesterday, that he couldn’t talk because he’d already been spoken to. And that was totally okay – I was just happy that he was there.

We did get a couple moments to speak, here and there. And at the end of his shift, he came over to give me a nice warm hug before saying goodbye.

And then later, while we were snapchatting, he told me he had good/bad news. That he’d been let go, for good, from our store. But, that he managed to pick up hours at another location.

I immediately felt my heart sink, and I actually sat down for a moment to ask him what happened.

He explained that our manager had given him the excuse that he couldn’t work there while his mom worked there, but we both knew there was more to it than that and everything was very sketchy. Nonetheless, he was done. His time with our store was over, for real.

Honestly? My heart was kind of breaking, LOL. We’d only just connected, for real. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye for good. I thought I had more time to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t be seeing him at work anymore, after this Christmas season. But the universe always has different plans, you know? I accept that.

So I told him. I told him that as happy as I was for him to be moving on, that I was also sad. That I’d miss working with him. I told him that we should hang out sometime, that I’d love to go with him to that sushi place that he told me about a while back.

And he said he was down, but he also added something that warmed my heart.

He said that he’d miss me too, and that he considered me to be one of his best friends, despite the fact that it’s only been a year that we’ve known each other. And I told him I felt the same – that I don’t want to lose our friendship because I’ve never met anyone like him before.

So, he said when he got back from the U.S. sometime next week that we’d hang out.

I immediately felt fear because, now it’s up to the universe. I promise to make my efforts where I can, but ultimately, what’s meant to be will be. And that scares me a little. I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know for sure if we will stay friends and keep in touch and maintain this friendship that we’ve built over the course of this year.

But, rather than feed that fear, I’m going to choose to have faith. Faith in the universe, faith in myself, faith in our friendship and faith in him.

I accept that whatever happens is meant to happen. Even if that means that this is where our chapter closes.

But… I also promise myself that I won’t let it close without doing my part to maintain our friendship. I really don’t want to lose someone like him from my life. My feelings from this year, the summer, and all those attachments to the possibility of more have been set aside now. A friendship with this amazing person is more than I could have hoped for, and now, all I want.

So I made it through the duration of my shift while holding it altogether, but when I got home, I cried for hours LOL.

It was mostly out of anger for the unfairness of the situation. But I know a part of me was also crying about everything that’s been happening over the course of the past couple month with my family. As well as I’ve been holding everything together, I never really let myself process my emotions and I knew that. So, I guess this was just the trigger that let everything out.

Also because even though he didn’t work there often, I knew I would miss him a lot. First Diego, and now Dylan. I can’t believe the indignity and unfairness of this company. The politics, the downright cruelty. It’s appalling to me.

I just wasn’t ready for it, so I let myself react and process as I needed to.

And now, I’m left with how I feel towards Luna.

Honestly? Aside from Dianne and Sera’s feelings and relationship with Luna, I myself am upset.

Luna knew how much Dylan meant to me, of all people. It makes me sad that she didn’t realize the potential consequences of her own actions. Or, maybe a part of her did. But it ended up back-firing on her, anyways. Because now, her personal relationship with Sera has taken a huge hit. As has her relationship with Dianne.

I know she didn’t quite mean harm. But this is what happens when you don’t think your actions through. This is what happens when you take it upon yourself to get involved in everyone else’s business rather than minding your own, regardless of what your intentions may be.

She prides herself on her honesty and integrity but… then why say anything to our manager at all? What was the point? Why put in your two cents? See how destructive that one comment became?

I’m so sad. I’m disappointed. I love Luna, I will always be thankful for all the amazing opportunities she’s brought into my life through travel. But right now, at least until this Christmas season is over, I think I just need space.

And not just from her. I need distance from everyone at work. I need to separate the personal from the professional at work, and not engage with anyone about anything other than just work for the time being. At least until I can figure out if I need to leave, or move on, or if any mutual respect can be salvaged after this season.

She called me last night to tell me that Sera had told her that Dylan had been let go. But Sera didn’t tell her all of the reasons that Dylan had been let go – namely, about the direct effect that her comments had. And it’s not my place to tell Luna that, so I just listened to her speak and didn’t say anything. She could sense my energy was off though, I know. I could hear her discomfort through the phone, and she ended the call as quickly as it began.

I don’t know what’s going to happen today. I truly hope that Dianne and Sera will be honest with Luna and tell her the truth about the direct consequence her involvement had, but if they don’t, then it’s not my responsibility to say anything either. I can’t get involved anymore. So, I have to choose to let go.

Anyways, that’s everything that’s happened.

It’s been a whirlwind of a week so far, that’s for sure.

I’m glad I at least had one quiet moment with Leila this week, when I went over to Scarborough to help her with a poster for her job! It was so nice, relaxing and soothing to be around her energy. I need more of that – good vibes, genuine friendship and ease. Money will come and go but my energy is more valuable than any money in the world.

That’s about all I needed to cover for this log. I’ll write tomorrow after my shift! I’m hoping I can practice further being non-reactive, at peace, and at ease as these days fly by. I intend to direct all of my focus towards doing my job to the best of my ability, with a smile on my face and positivity radiating through my energy.

Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.