Day 55 – 61 – February 24th – March 2nd, 2018

Okay so since I’ve began writing to myself at the start of last year, I think this is absolutely the longest that I have gone without writing. Like, I kept thinking to myself “oh it’s fine, it’s only been a couple days and I’ll write when I can.” But HOLY SHIT IT’S BEEN LEGIT A WEEK!!!!!

It’s okay though. Like it’s fair because I got super busy with work in the weekend after that date, and then I went straight into midterms after that and it was back to back non-stop studying, class, work and exams. But… I’M FINALLY DONE! This week is finally done with, and I’m happy to say I successfully made it through my exams (and actually studied really hard this time around – go me!).

But man, in the span of this week, so much has happened! Like, so much. Where to even begin!?!?!

For sure I’m going to forget the minor stuff, so I’ll just focus on the “big” things that happened (I put quotation marks around big because everything is relative, you know? But I suppose these things are big to me).

Let’s see… okay so, I never ended up talking about how my date went.

It was good! The Distillery District was really pretty and the guy was a perfect gentleman. He did look a little different than how his pictures portrayed him, but he was still pretty good looking! We sat for a long time and the conversation flowed with ease, and it even turned out that we had a lot of music tastes in common.


There wasn’t any spark. No attraction, or anything. It felt like sitting with a good friend and just, catching up.

I haven’t texted since, and I kind of feel bad. I ghosted, I know I did, and it first it wasn’t intentional because of how busy I was with my midterms and work shifts. But now? The silence is just deliberate.

I could have easily just been like, “hey, it was super nice to meet you but I’m sorry, I’m just not that into you.” …that sounds so mean though, ah! And then like, a part of me thinks that if I’m not ready to have those kinds of conversations with people, then maybe I shouldn’t have started dating in the first place, you know?

I saw Nisrine today and she had a whole other theory on it all that I can’t wait to address (in a bit).

Moving on – so like I said, the weekend was super busy with work but it was good! And I had work shifts weaving through my exams and classes so I’m a little fuzzy as to the timeline of what’s been happening at work but I’m just going to address it all as well as I can remember and screw the need for chronological neatness for a moment.

Big thing – Ali and I ended up in a deep conversation about spirituality and I finally got to tell him the things I wanted to say to him when I realized I wanted to let go of the resentment I was harbouring towards him weeks ago. I told him about how the way he saw me impacted me (the light surrounding me, the angels and light aura) and I told him that that’s the person I want to remain being and continue to be. We talked about the old tensions and how our department tends to let the pressure and greed get the best of us sometimes, but when it comes down to it we’re all just humans with families to feed, and people with good hearts and good intentions.

It was really nice. I know that Ali is a lost soul. But I think a part of him is really trying to find his way. I told him it’s not easy, but that he’s got to keep trying to strive upwards into the awareness and consciousness. If spirituality was what he was seeking, then he had to continue feeding it as much as he could. I hope he does.

Now, another thing that has to do with work that will lead me to my next big thing. So, throughout the week, I kept noticing that Luna would find little moments to strike up conversation with me – like when other people were talking with me she’d kind of join in the conversation (harmlessly – like when I was telling another one of our coworkers about the magical effects of ginger, Luna chimed in to talk about the lemon and ginger shot that I told her about that always work for her now).

And then sometime this week while I was passing by her, she randomly asked me if I noticed that Lianna had dyed her hair. (I had, from afar). So I told I had, and that it looked nice. Which led to her asking about whether or not I’d seen Dylan’s Instagram posts in Hawaii, so I told her that I had and that Dylan had actually been texting me from Hawaii to ask my opinion on stuff or to tell me how well it was all going.

Which led to us talking about our own trip to Hawaii briefly – we talked about a couple old memories, and then we got interrupted and that was it.

Then yesterday, Sera came in after a long while of not working (so nice to see her). She and Luna disappeared for quite some time and when she came back, she and I got to catch up a bit. And she told me something really interesting – that her and Luna had had “the talk”. The talk that was long overdue, the one that was meant to be had during Christmas. And, I was brought up. Intrigued, I was ready to ask what was said but Luna was still around and Sera didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, so we had to wait until she left.

At this same time, the universe was answering a lot of little intentions – I had been wondering for a while how Nick had been doing since we hadn’t spoken once throughout the entire month of February, and that day (yesterday, March 1st), he happened to message me about this pretty macaron café I went to and posted about, which led into a brief conversation. He’s doing well, nothing has seemed to have changed in the past month. I’m glad we spoke though! And I’m glad that all I feel for him at this point is just a simple friendly fondness.

Anyways, after her shift Luna left, and after Sera’s break she stood with me in the department for a while and we had a very, very long talk.

To summarize: everything finally came out. Sera told Luna everything from our side of the story, and Luna said everything from hers. They established that it was Kaleb who was the first one to start complaining about families, but Sera made it clear to Luna that she sided herself with the wrong people and that her opinions still had some very serious repercussions to them, even if she was entitled to believe what she wanted to.

Sera also made it clear to Luna how close I was to losing my job, and it finally hit Luna – she was shook. Sera told me that it looked like she was about to cry.

And then Luna asked Sera why I hadn’t just come to her and shook her and told her straight up the kind of consequences her actions were bringing about. And Sera jumped to my defence – one, that it’s not in my character to shake someone into awareness and be mega-blunt and two, if I were someone like that then Luna and I would have clashed in our friendship because we would have been too similar. Our differences complimented each other well and that’s why we were once so close.

Sera explained to me that Luna misses me, a lot. Above and beyond how much she misses anyone else. She misses the idea of travelling with me and how close we once were.

And Sera told her that she knows that people fuck up. But, that if Luna really cares about me, she will approach me, tail between legs and pride pushed aside, to have an honest and straightforward conversation with me about everything that went down during Christmas.

It was a lot to take in. I looked Sera directly in the eyes and asked her what her personal opinion was on the whole thing, because I deeply respect Sera and value her opinion very much.

Sera explained to me that she hates to see people suffer, and that’s exactly what Luna’s been doing for the past two months. That those loud bursts of laughter I can still hear across the department is just a front that’s hiding a very deep insecurity and loneliness, and honestly I already knew that too.

Sera also believes that this time around, Luna is being genuine. She is being sincere.

She also believes that I was put into Luna’s life for a reason – not just so that she could instill that love of travel in me, but also so that I could teach her myself, on how to be a better person.

I believe that when the universe has something to tell me, it will send me the message repetitively and noticeably in twos. Before this conversation with Luna, Daniella approached me not so long ago to tell me something very similar – that it broke her heart that Luna and I weren’t friends anymore and that Luna genuinely misses me.

I ended up telling Sera that I do believe in second chances, and that if Luna ever did approach me to have that conversation with me, I wouldn’t turn her away. (Sera also mentioned that Mary’s scared to talk to me because she’s scared I’m going to reject her attempted apology).

I’m not sure what’s going to happen. Do I miss Luna? Sure, I do. I know I do. She was funny and lively and such an amazing travel buddy. We had so, so much fun during our travels together and our strengths complimented each other so well. I even miss her sister, LOL. I got used to our silence, but it’s been weird not being able to talk to her about certain things. And I do feel like somewhere deep down, there’s a good heart in there with good intentions, despite how easily she can sometimes be swayed by what she perceives to be is right.

I don’t think we can go back to what we had, but maybe, just maybe, we can move forward into something new. I’m going to rely on my gut for this one though – if Luna can genuinely set aside her pride for a moment to really and sincerely reach out, then I’ll know that it’s real. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about Luna in the years that she and I have been friends, it’s that that woman will not set aside her pride for just anyone, nor does she ever let it go that easily.

So, we’ll see. Today she and I talked a little bit more, once again with someone else involved in the conversation but I know she wanted to talk to me directly to get my opinion on her upcoming travel plans to the Philippines and Japan. I in turn told her about my possible upcoming travel plans (WHICH IS THE NEXT BIG THING I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT) except I directed it to the third party in our conversation rather than directly to her. It’s so funny – we were talking to each other, but indirectly. The third person basically served as a buffer.

What’s meant to be will be. If we’re going to be friends again, then I promise to be more straight up with her if I feel like she’s in the wrong or if her actions go against my own personal values. I also have to address her tendency to ostracize people – it’s not nice, but I don’t think I’ll have to say much on it because now, she’s the one who’s been ostracized. And, not just by me but by my entire team (people who also used to call her a friend as well). Sera is also going to have a word with them as well about it though, and she also believes that Luna might apologize to us as a whole. Man, if that happens… well, we’ll see.

That’s that, onto the next topic: so… a while back, I told myself that if York went on strike, I’d be taking the cheapest flight I could out of here. And now, it looks like there’s a 99% chance of it happening. So… it looks like I might just be heading to Belize, very, very soon. Like, within the next 9 days LMAO.

I mean… I don’t want to get my hopes up. Who even knows how long the strike could go on for, you know? Everything’s being deliberated this weekend – they’ve agreed to strike, but they’ve also agreed to try to negotiate this weekend in order to keep the strike short. But, last time they went on strike, it went on for about a month. And that’s what I’m basing my possible plans on.

Whatever is meant to be will be. I have utter and complete faith in that. If I’m meant to go, I will. If I’m not, then life will carry on as per usual.

But man, this time last year as soon as Luna and I got back from Hawaii, we started looking at Belize. It was such a coincidence too, and we ended up going to Las Vegas shortly after instead but still. It’s been in my mind ever since.

And get this. I would be going by myself. It would be my first ever solo travel trip. That’s a big part of the reason I want this to happen so much. I really think I’m ready.

I’m so ready to book. I found amazing prices for both the flight and the accommodations and I’ve been prepping myself by doing some research already. It’s a truly beautiful place with tons of adventure to be had. I would be able to swim with sharks and knock that off of my bucket list!!!! I’ve been saying “please, Universe, please” on a daily basis this entire week, LOL. But once again, we shall see!

I still have to talk about my appointment with Nadia (and all the things that were addressed during this appointment – my studying prowess, the tips I used that she gave me, my current familial situation, dating situation, etc.), how Daniella has officially moved in, how my conversation with Jake is going, and how Dylan and I have actual plans for this week to hang out and catch up, finally.

But man. It’s late and I am hella exhausted.

I must say, despite its hardships, it’s been a good week. March started off amazingly well so far and I am so excited to see what else it has in store for me.

I finish early tomorrow and I’m off Sunday so for once, I’m actually looking forward to the weekend and the brief mental respite that it’s going to bring about, thank goodness.

Until tomorrow then! Thank you universe, thank you for everything.

Love always,


Day 54 – February 23, 2018

I meant to start this log way, way, way earlier and now there’s pretty much only one hour left of this day. Yikes. Okay so quick log before I skedaddle off to bed.

I’ve got to talk about my date last night, but honestly I guess it just goes to show that I spent so much time dawdling today, that it’s not something that’s like a pressing matter to write about, which is totally okay. I’m happy that I got out there and let myself have some fun, because it really was a nice date.

I’ve been slacking off in my meditation, my personal reading, and my working out, and I think that it was the amount of work shifts that I took on this month that threw everything off for me. So come next month, I’m cutting down those hours and re-introducing myself to some discipline because it’ll be good for me.

I’m a little disappointed in myself, but it’s okay! I have to offer myself some compassion. Roving hills, remember? Life will never quite be a constant up, always a series of roving hills in a steady incline upwards. There’s going to be some downs some times and that’s okay – I just need to recognize them for what they are so that I can do what’s necessary to work my way back up.

Discipline, self-compassion and a more motivation. I can’t allow laziness or procrastination back in because those are the habits that kept me in my lower-frequency vibrations for quite some time.

So, as sleepy as I am, I’m going to meditate before I go to bed. Even if it’s for five minutes – nothing is going to change unless I do differently after all!

Until tomorrow,

Love always,


Day 52 + 53 – February 21st & 22nd, 2018

Hello! Okay so, I think I’m just going to start this log by writing whatever comes into my head, which I haven’t really done in a while – I usually go by like, chronological order by discussing what’s passed and what’s happening and what’s to come and then my thoughts on those matters, but I never really just sit and let myself type, do I?

So, what’s up me?

Let’s see…

Omg, I was thinking about how my phone is figuratively a black hole (trying to change up how often I say “literally”, LOL). I hear the vibrate, it’s a notification for god knows what app, and then I end up spending god knows how long scrolling through someone’s cousin’s mother’s best friends life, purely out of boredom and curiosity. It’s mundane! It’s crazy! What am I doing!?!?

I need to spend more time away from my phone. I get this anxious feeling whenever I start vaguely thinking about some text that I’ve left unanswered when I’m busy or working, what is that!? I don’t like the attachment I have to my phone. I need to mindfully allot a certain amount of time to it per day, and carry on with the rest of my daily tasks without thinking about it.

It’s a great way to stay connected with people, I know. But it’s not doing anything for me when I’m mindlessly scrolling through the same feeds or the same tweets and the same regurgitated content on a constant repetitive basis.

There’s a whole vast life happening outside of it. Every moment is an opportunity to appreciate the beauty of the present moment, the “now” that we will never see again once it passes.

If I want to be in the now, truly in the present moment, I must understand that I can’t spend a majority of my life seeing it through the screen of a phone, even the lens of a camera. As much as I try to document my life or capture those rare fleeting moments of utter beauty, I have to understand that the beauty of life is only beautiful because it’s fleeting – it’s meant to be enjoyed fully in the moments that are given to us, and then we let go.

Suffering comes from the idea of attachment. Attachment to what once was, to what’s to come – if we continue to yearn for the past or stay waiting for something in the future, all we’ll ever be in our present moments is in states of aching nostalgia or uneasy impatience, never quite here, never quite there. This frame of mind is where a majority of unhappiness stems from.

But true happiness, contentment, and real peace comes from experiencing the now in fullness, and then being okay with the moment passing as it does. That is the practice of letting go.

It’s nice to let my mind run rampant sometimes. I don’t spend enough time truly connecting with myself the way I should, through these logs. I know it’s great that I’m documenting my life as it happens so that when I look back, I’ll know what was happening at that time. But it doesn’t mean anything if I’m not recording my growth as well.

Anyways, back to my chronological order narrative style.

So, after I finish this log, I’m going to start getting ready for my… chill hangout thing, with Cooper. (Starting to dislike the word date, LOL. Should I even be doing this if I’m adult enough to use the word “date”?)

I’m sure it’s going to be fun! He seems like a nice guy, funny and smart. We’ll see how things go.

But, I have to definitively state to myself here what I’m looking for in regards to this as to maintain some clarity: I’m not looking to get into a serious relationship. I’m open to meeting different people, experiencing different things and having some fun, but I’m not trying to catch feelings or get invested, UNLESS… Unless they carry the values that are non-negotiable to me, unless they’re introspective and somewhat spiritual, and UNTIL I get to know them further. Those are my stipulations when it comes to this, for myself.

That being said, I must remember to not take things so seriously and just allow myself to have fun without expectations for more or what it could lead to. Just, be in the moment and appreciate things as they happen.

Anyways, I should probably start getting ready now since I know I take forever with my indecisive Libra ass. But one more thing before I go that made me happy; Dylan messaged me late one night during his trip to tell me that he owes me so much for inspiring him to go to Hawaii, and that his first day was one that definitely changed his life for ever and he was excited for the rest of his trip.

I was so glad! Hawaii did the exact same thing for me, it was the start of my spiritual revolution and the spark that ignited my faith in the universe and in myself. He also said he was confident that I would be one of the only people he knows that ends up travelling the whole world.

I really hope I do man. All the time I have to fight the urge to drop everything, find the cheapest plane ticket and get the hell out of here, but I have other priorities right now. I have to fight the wanderlust until it works harmoniously with the state of my life.

Either way, it was nice to hear that from him (yay for friendship!) and I’m actually genuinely hoping he follows through on his promise to hang out when he gets back (he said he had some life-changing conversations that he wanted to tell me about in person) because I definitely want to hear about all the ways this trip changed him and made him grow as a person! We shall see what’s meant to occur though.

I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance! Wish me luck on my… date! (I can be an adult, I can do this).

Love always,


Day 51 – February 20th, 2018

Hello! True to my word, I am back again today. However, I think this may end up being a rather brief log because it’s late now and I’ve got to get up early for work tomorrow.

The cleaning of the basement is going so, so well! My mom is legit a superhero – she spent the whole afternoon just cleaning and rearranging and now the basement looks spotless and brand new. Daniella is so excited and so grateful and it makes my heart happy to know we’re doing a kindness. We’re so lucky to have this roof over our heads, so why not share that blessing?

I guess I can talk about the tinder stuff in brief! Okay so, I matched with Cooper a while ago and we’ve been texting here and there since! He seems really sweet, polite, well-spoken and has a good sense of humour. I like that he suggested Distillery District for our first date because neither of us have ever been and it’ll be cute, I’m sure.

I’m scared to date because I don’t want to deal with the harder conversations if things don’t progress, but I have to understand that that’s what dating entails – no promises, just getting to know one another by spending time with no expectations for more.

I can’t believe this date is day after tomorrow! I’m glad I just happened to take that day off so that I can spend some time getting ready and whatnot. Dates can be fun! I have to remember that too.

Another thing I just wanted to briefly mention – Dylan’s been messaging me from Hawaii! It makes me happy because like, he asked for my advice on the road trip portion of his vacation and he also let me know they rented a convertible mustang LOL. Makes me feel like we’re actually friends, more so than the past couple months. I’m glad he’s having a ton of fun, Hawaii really was life-changing.

Anyways, I think I’m going to wrap it up for today. I’ll write more in depth tomorrow – I’ve got a short shift because Daniella will be moving some of her stuff in to the house, and also Lianna will be coming over to tone my hair too!

Oh another thing though – oh man, I felt so bad but I haven’t replied to Jake in like 5 days. And he actually messaged purely out of concern to make sure I was okay.

It’s just, April is so far away! I don’t know. Maybe I’m getting too in my head about that as well. I just keep thinking, like what if we meet and it’s just… eh? Which I mean, life is life and all so I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I have to curb my tendency to cut and run just because it’s easier, it’s not good.

I’ll write more tomorrow!

Love always,


Day 47, 48, 49, 50 – February 16th – 19th, 2018

Holy crap, I CANNOT BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF THINGS THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE PAST FOUR DAYS. Like, this past weekend has been non-stop crazy occurrences and changes and massive synchronicities that have me so curious as to what the universe has in store. Okay, let me begin where I last left off…

So my last log was the 15th, which was the Thursday. It’s currently Monday night now (Family day). So, back to Friday…

Friday, I had a long work shift but I was looking forward to the end of it, because we were having a spontaneous girl’s night at Marilyn’s house. (I just realized that a massive theme this weekend was spontaneity, but more on that later).

And this part coming up here is such a cool synchronicity to note, because I literally addressed it in my last log after having gone awhile without talking about it. Or rather, him.

About halfway through my work shift on Friday, I got a text from Dylan asking me if I was going to be at work later. I told him I was, but just until 7. And then he said awesome, because he was coming by later! Crazy coincidence eh?

Anyways, sometime in the afternoon he made his way over to my podium to say hello, and it felt so surreal to see him and talk to him, like an out of body experience. I wonder if it’s because I see so much of my life in retrospect rather than actually being in the moment.

Either way, it was nice to see him – he gave me a big hug, and we caught up a little. He told me how excited he was for his Hawaii trip (he’s there now), talked about how he messed up his hip so he hasn’t been doing his jiu-jitsu lately (I wonder if this contributed to the anger he had towards his mom since he didn’t have an outlet for his energy), and about how school and work was going. He was super busy since he was back into school full force, with the effects of the strike finally waning off.

He looked good! But, seeing him made me realize that I really am over him. The feeling I got was like, that warm affection of friendship you feel towards someone you care about. He said that when he gets back from Hawaii, we’ll hang out so he can tell me all about it, but eh. I’m not banking on it. I’m just happy that after everything last year, things came to their own organic end in the way that it did.

I’ll definitely always care about him and would love to be friends! And I do promise that where I have the opportunity to make an effort, I will. But, just going along with the universe’s plan feels like the right thing to do these days (if not always), so that’s what I’ll be doing.

Well, that’s one thing that’s covered! Onto the next.

So Friday night – it was originally just going to be me, Marilyn, Sera and Lianna, but last minute, Marilyn convinced Daniella to come too. (Which will eventually go to show that everything happens for a reason).

Sera snuck a rum bottle out of her house (and it was the good stuff from Jamaica too), so we were all just sitting, talking and vibing as we usually do. Sera had some amazing news – she’s booked to go to Barbados in March!! I’m so happy for her, she truly deserves a good rest, vacation, and some time spent away in the hot sun with her fiancé.

After a while, Daniella joined us and she was lamenting to us about how hard it’s been for her to find a place to move to that’s within her budget and within distance of work. And we kept trying to think of solutions or places that could help but nothing came up, at first.

All of a sudden, Sera was like, “I wish my basement had a separate entrance or something for her, because then she could stay with me.” And then it hit me.

Way before we moved into our house, the previous owner used to have a fully furnished bedroom in the basement – it has its own separate bathroom, shower, sink and a separate entrance.

I began to muse to idea to Daniella, who immediately became excited at the prospect of being able to move in with us (especially since she knows we’re not psychopaths or serial killers, and also because I live so close to where we work LOL).

But, I knew above all I would have to get my mom’s permission and honestly, I wasn’t sure what she would say.

The next day (Saturday), I sat down with my mom and proposed the idea to her – how Daniella was willing to pay rent monthly, how all she needed was her own place with some peace, quiet and privacy (because she’s currently sharing a room in a house with another girl).

And much to my extreme surprise… my mom was for it!

Everything’s been happening so fast and I never really got a chance to talk to Olivia and my dad about it properly, but my mom agreed to it for multiple reasons (especially out of kindness… my mom definitely has a massive, generous and welcoming heart).

I let Daniella know, and she already wants to move in LOL! But man, that basement has become a storage place for a bunch of old useless furniture, my mom’s cooking supplies, the rickety treadmill, and all of Jack’s food and litter. We have some majorly intensive cleaning to do if that basement is going to be habitable again.

So, that’s going to be a priority for this week. But I’m excited! She’s going to redecorate and design the basement beautifully and make it her own space, so it’ll be nice to have a new energy there. And I’m glad for her too because this works out well for her.

She still has yet to see the basement and meet my family, so it’s not nailed down 100% just yet, but if it’s meant to happen, it will.

So that happened! And now, onto yet another lovely spontaneous occurrence.

Halfway through my double shift on Saturday, I started vaguely thinking about Radha and how I should hit her up soon so that we could possibly hang out. And literally not even an hour later, she texted me asking me if I was free to hang out that night, LOL. Honestly, the universe never ceases to amaze me each and every single time something like this happens. I know I’ve already said this before but, I’m never, ever going to stop marvelling at it or being in awe of it because it’s the closest thing to real magic that I’ve experienced in this life (other than one other thing, which I will get to later).

Anyways, she was down to hang out even though I was finishing work super late at 9 – she drove all the way to my work place to pick me up, and then she drove us over to my house so that we could get high, eat pizza and watch this incredibly mind-boggling thought-provoking spiritually in-depth fantastically well-done movie called “Waking Life”.

She slept over, so we stayed up super late having the most introspective conversation about life and death and dreams and the universe and oh man, it was just… like, everything I could ever want from a conversation. The kind of conversation that truly makes you think, makes you grow.

The next morning (Sunday now, aka yesterday), while I was getting ready for work, she even sat down with my dad and had a super in-depth conversation with him too. I was listening while I was doing my make-up upstairs; she was open and earnest about the nature of his addictions, and she tried to offer some open advice on how he could battle his temptations. And you know, for once it seemed like he was actually listening. The whole morning was just so nice, she even sat with Olivia for a while to have a similar conversation with her and Olivia was actually at ease in her presence (she’s usually pretty uncomfortable around people at first).

Everything really does happen for a reason. I used to believe that the past should stay in the past, but my whole entire perception of time is beginning to change now. I do agree that some things should remain in what we call the “past”, but I also believe now that there’s more to time, life, and the universe than just the linear way that we perceive it all to pass. I believe that there’s this infinite source of energy, what we call “god” or the “universe”, that has a hand in shaping the ways our lives unfold alongside the choices we make and that paths we find ourselves on. Which also has me wondering about the concept of free will, but that’s another discussion entirely.

My main goal right now is to work with my intuition, learn it, rely on it, understand it, and hone it to the point that I have complete and utter faith in every choice that I make, no matter the outcome. I know that doing so will lead me exactly where I am meant to go, and have me meet exactly who I am meant to meet in this life.

Anyways, she gave me a ride to work on her way home, and we definitely agreed we would do this again. See, I knew to have faith after we went to dinner the first time, that everything would fall into place as it should if it was meant to, and so far, it is meant to. All these occurrences have been a delicate dance between purposefully manifesting what’s meant to be, and also allowing what’s meant to happen to just happen as it does.

So, we’ll see what else is in store for us as time wanes on! I know I’m going to learn so much from her, and I’m happy that we’re growing spiritually and that our heightening vibrations and frequencies led us back to one another once again.

Next crazy occurrence (that threw me for quite the loop).

Sunday night, after like months of silence and separation, we had plans to go over to Serina’s house for a small family get-together! I was so excited to see her, and I was also glad for our parents that they were back on good terms.

When I got home from work, I literally couldn’t help touching up my make-up and fixing my hair a little. Logically I knew there was pretty much zero chance that a certain someone would be there but… I don’t know, my gut seemed to be telling me differently. So I went with it.

And I’m glad I did.

Once we got to Serina’s house, oh my goodness her parents were so happy to see us! After a while, Alycia came over and me, Alycia, Serina and Olivia headed to the basement and we all started catching up Serina over what’s been happening in all of our lives over the past couple months.

After a couple of hours, all of a sudden the basement door opened and well, wouldn’t you know it. The person I least expected to see, yet another person who I haven’t seen in about four years, casually made his way down the stairs.

Yep, the epic former “first love” and former best friend and confidante, Aryan.

I literally couldn’t stop staring, LMAO. He looked so good, and at the same time, he looked as though he’d always did, as though nothing had changed.

Funny thing though – he didn’t look my way once! Like, he addressed everyone else vaguely (with that ridiculously charming make-ya-weak-in-the-knees smile of his) but it legitimately looked like he was doing his utmost best to avert is gaze from anywhere near my direction!

And this happened twice; once when he came down to get Zeus to take him for a walk and grab his water bowl, and twice when he came back to let Zeus back inside and bring the water bowl back.

I mean, it didn’t bug me per se (especially since he’s always kind of made me nervous) but it did make me curious and I couldn’t help but comment on it to Serina and the gang.

And Serina had the most interesting story to tell us in response, LOL.

So apparently, after we all got together on New Year’s Eve, I had told Serina to tell Aryan that I said Happy New Year to him. (No memory of this whatsoever and yet it also seems like something I would definitely do in the state that I was in that night, LOL).

Anyways, SHE ACTUALLY DID IT – one day when he was giving her a ride somewhere, she casually brought it up to him and told him that I had wished him, specifically. And apparently, he even turned down the music when my name came up, and asked her to repeat what she had said. She did, and then for us she mimicked his wordless reaction (which seemed to denote a certain kind of happiness? Idk.)

Either way, it obviously stuck with him to a certain extent because, Serina told us he even brought it up to his mom!!! LIKE, WHAT IS LIFE. WHAT IS HAPPENING LMAO.

He told her that I had wished him Happy New Year, and his mom asked him if we were still talking, to which he replied that he and I hadn’t talked in a really long while. (Try four years).

I was SHOOK, LOL. I mean, it’s literally been years. I haven’t thought of him once, I didn’t remember the last time I saw him or talked to him, and now this? It was just… mind-boggling.

Anyways, later on in the night, he opened the door once more to ask Serina to bring up Zeus’ water bowl but she was further away from it than I was. So instead, I volunteered and got up to give it to him.

And legit, it felt like time slowed. I can’t even begin to explain it, the way I see it in my head. I know it was the briefest of brief interactions but something in me was like, I NEED HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE. As I was passing it to him, I couldn’t quite muster up the courage to make eye contact (WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FEARLESS ALTER EGO AHEM). And he quietly said, “Hey, Steph.”

Two words. Literally two words was all it took to make my stomach flip, LOL. I’m so sure I said hi back, but I think it died somewhere in my throat on its way out so it probably sounded inaudible.

I can’t explain the chemistry we’ve always had. It’s always felt like actual electricity to me, as though the air begins to snap and crackle with sparks whenever he’s in vicinity of me. And that’s the second closest thing to magic that I’ve experienced.

BUT ANYWAYS. Later on in the night, we headed upstairs to use Serina’s laptop so that we could watch virtual tours of the possible universities that she might choose from. Then, Alycia had the bright idea to go knock on Aryan’s door just for shits and giggles, like the old days when we all used to terrorize each other LOL.

And she actually went and did it! Serina, Olivia and Alycia all went (after imploring me to come along too, to which I promptly refused and I have no idea why LOL I guess old habits die hard). I listened from the other room intently while they knocked profusely on his door, giggling the whole time while he yelled at the top of his lungs (man, brought back so much nostalgia from the old days).

They opened his door and went in, and I couldn’t quite hear what they were saying to him or what was happening. But, clear as day, I heard Olivia pipe up, “so you’re just sitting in here watching The Office?” (Which, I later found out, she did on purpose to catch my attention LOL smart girl.)

I legit couldn’t resist – I immediately got up and made my way over to where they were so I could curiously peer into his room along with them. He was lying back, legs propped up on his desk, glaring back at us in mock annoyance while Alycia continued to lightly pester him, LOL. The episode he was watching was the episode when Jim told Michael about his feelings for Pam so he took Michael to Hooter’s in an attempt to distract him and stop him from telling Pam how he felt and I couldn’t help but comment out loud (to Olivia) how long Jim’s hair was in the early seasons.

After that, Alycia patted him on the head (we were HOWLING) and then we went back to the other room.

That was the last of the interactions, but when we left Serina jokingly assured me she was intending to tell him that I thought he looked good, LMAO. (Lowkey, do I want her to…? Possibly. I do not know.)

I’m so curious! What does this all mean? All I did was tell the universe that I was ready to get back out there and I even proved it by joining Tinder, and then all of a sudden the flood gates open, letting in old ghosts too.

I feel like there’s threads of destiny hovering innocently in the air as these days pass, and every choice I make strengthens a thread. Nothing is coincidence and everything happens as it’s meant to. So what is to be?

Okay, it’s really freaking late now and I got to wrap this up, but I’m not done talking about all the things that’s happened thus far (although that was the bulk of it, mostly). But, I do have to talk about my up-coming date with Cooper from Tinder this Thursday and what will be my first time to the distillery district, my thoughts on everything that has occurred, what this week is looking like for me, and more. So, I shall find a moment tomorrow morning to do so. Until then!

Gah, I’m so excited with everything that’s been happening and whatever is bound to occur. Life is so unpredictable and eventful and the minute I stopped trying to resist the unknown and let it just happen, every single aspect of life became one hundred times more beautiful. So, here’s to letting go, letting be and going with the flow!

Love, love, love always,


Day 41, 42, 43, 44 – February 10 – 13, 2018

Hello! Once again, long time no write. However, I just finished a series of five consecutive and lengthy work shifts, so there’s that.

So… I’m currently chilling. Relatively high. I know that I’ve got to write about some stuff that’s happened over the course of the past few days but I am very much lazy to do so, LOL. But I shall try.

I think that all may have inadvertently rhymed, but I’m not too sure at this moment.

So, what have I missed!

Let’s see… Saturday! Saturday was a good day – I had gala, and thank goodness that it was a quick shift because there’s always a lot of tension in the department (more so than usual) during any kind of holiday or special occasion.

After my shift, I went straight to Scarborough to have dinner with Leila and her family! And oh my god was it ever amazing – we had homemade hot pot and my entire soul was in heaven. I love spending time with her and her family! Leila and I ended up in like an hour long discussion over the importance of health and how important it is to take care of yourself now before it becomes too late in the future.

It’s so undeniably true – we’re these phenomenal, incredible beings, souls full of history and emotion and potential, but our physical body has a timer and the more we do to preserve it and take care of it, the more we’ll be able to fully enjoy the gift that life is.

Anyways, on Sunday I worked and… I think that was it? And then yesterday (Monday) I had a double shift. But there was a good thing that happened!

Okay I have to backtrack a little – so last week, Ali and I kind of had that altercation and the residual tension lasted throughout the weekend. But then Sunday night, while I was opening the cupboard to grab cat treats, a little book fell out and caught my attention.

Much to my surprise (and gratitude towards the universe) it was a little book called “Heart of Buddha”, filled with all kinds of Buddhist quotes and teachings.

Monday morning, I sat down and read the little book with my morning tea. And this quote stood out to me: “Pity arises when we are sorry for someone. Compassion is when we understand and help wisely.”

And it hit me; I had to dispel all this tension with Ali. Once upon a time, we actually connected – he once told me he knew I was destined for more than this department, and to never, ever take it seriously. He even once told me he could see that I was surrounded by light, by “an angel”.

That’s the person I want to be – someone who forgives, offers compassion, even to those who are full of anger or bitterness. I can’t react to those things because I’m only adding more fuel to their fires.

So even though the idea of it scared me, I knew I wanted to go into work yesterday with a compassionate nature rather than on my guard. I even yelled it out to the universe in the morning while I was getting ready! I yelled, “I’M SCARED” because I want to be someone who’s open to their emotions, addresses how they feel, and lets it go. Accepts it for what it is.

And the universe heard me.

All day yesterday, I kept fretting as to when the perfect moment would be for me to approach Ali and tell him that I don’t want any tension between us. As the shift winded down, I was running out of time.

Throughout the shift though, I kept envisioning a more open energy, less hostile. I smiled, I kept things light, wasn’t too aggressively seeking customers. I even thanked him when he went out of his way to sell some of our line.

And at the end of the shift, before I could even approach him or say anything, he came over to me and Maria with chocolates. He directly looked at me to offer me one and I looked back and accepted, and it felt like a little bit of the ice broke on its own. After that, he was talking to me and everyone else on the floor about which cheesecake he should get for his wife, and everyone put their input. I suggested Dulce de Leche (that was my favourite) and he said he would go check all of them out.

He ended up coming back with Dulce! He even showed me.

And then at the end of the night, as I was saying goodbye to everyone, I specifically thanked him for the chocolate as kindly as I could.

So, I didn’t quite get to do what I set out to do. But, it was a good start. Funny that he was kind of the one to reach out first.

If I want to have the heart of the Buddha, I have to see and respect the Buddha in everyone I meet and come across too. I can’t pick and choose whom I express my compassion to, who I treat with kindness. I have to practice lovingkindness in everything I do, say and to all those that I meet. No matter how challenging it is. Actually, especially when it is challenging – that’s what going to define the strength of my kindness.

Day 38, 39, 40 – February 7th, 8th, & 9th, 2018

Hello! Took a little break from writing, honestly this week was a little bit of a mess.

Let’s see… I haven’t missed much in regards to Wednesday, I didn’t end up going to Oshawa because it was snowing like mad (and still is, there’s been endless amounts of snow as of late).

Yesterday and today I had work.

I’ve been in a… I don’t know, I guess a bit of a low. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Because, I’ve worked out, I organized my agenda for this month, I’ve been meditating, and I’m almost done reading a new book called “The Four Agreements”, which has actually been an amazing read thus far.

I haven’t been eating well though, so maybe it has something to do with that? I need to get back to eating healthy once more, because it did make a noticeable difference when I was being more conscientious about it – I had more energy, my anxiety dissipated, and there were no low points for a while.

It might have also been a small altercation I had at work today with Ali, which I tried to breathe through and not react to. Man, it’s so hard when you’re in that moment and surrounded by so much negative energy. Like literally just being around his presence makes me feel… gross? Like, I know everyone’s suffering is self-imposed and comes from a place of great pain. I don’t know him or his story. I want so badly to offer him empathy. So maybe this is the universe testing my newfound resolve to practice loving-kindness towards all.

But honestly? He feels like a bully to me, and I hate bullies.


I’ll try to do better, I’ll try to be kinder. There is a Buddha-nature within each and every one of us, so I’ll just try harder to see his, too.

Okay, just typing that lessened a bit of pressure I felt on my heart, so that’s good.

Let’s see, what else would I like to talk about?

Ah yes – so, I found out that Jake’s not coming back from the UK until April or so; he’s waiting on some friends to come back with him, and his health isn’t doing well so he’s taking care of it there (since he wouldn’t be covered for it here). I do hope he feels better, but I got to admit that was interesting to find out! First thing I thought though, was that everything happens for a reason so maybe we’re just not meant to meet yet! It’s been amazing conversations thus far, but if that’s all it’s meant to be for the time being, that’s cool. I’m sure all will make sense in due time.

In the meanwhile though, I’m trying to make the most of being on the app by making plans with some other potential guys, mostly just for fun! I was supposed to have a date tonight incidentally (it’s Friday), but he ended up flopping last minute. Which is fine, honestly he seemed kind of strange anyways – he talked like a straight fuckboy and was very wishy-washy. I’m pretty sure my conversation with Jake has pretty much spoiled me LOL it’s been so good that every other interaction palls in comparison.

Oh well! That’s all good and fun but literally, last thing on my mind. It’s more of a distraction if anything, just something to pass time by while I do my own thing.

Yesterday and today, Avery came by work to visit and we hung out for a while. Yesterday I was helping him weigh out some pros and cons for two jobs that he’s been interviewing for (he had straight interviews all week) and today we grabbed some drinks after he finally got through all the interviews.

Today while we were hanging out, we had a pretty good conversation! He actually made some pretty good points about me that made me think. He started out by saying that I frustrated him! When I laughingly asked why, he explained that it was because he could so clearly see what I’m good at, what comes naturally to me, and that’s helping people in whatever way that I can. It didn’t make sense to him that I still hadn’t graduated yet when I was so clearly meant for doing something that I obviously loved to do.

So we talked about it, we tried to figure out what’s been holding me back or why I’ve been struggling so much. A lot of it stemmed from me feeling like I never chose this path for myself – I was taught and conditioned to go through high school with the aim of going to university with the end goal of getting a career and then inevitably paying bills and making money until I die. Nothing I’ve ever done has ever felt like it was for me.

We also figured out that while I loved my parents, I also resented the amount of pressure they put on me to get through university – while I understand that it comes from a place of deep love and encouragement, it felt like I was a show-pony who couldn’t jump high enough through hoops, that I was never good enough. I know they never meant to make me feel this way, but the years’ worth of guilt, shame and anger I felt towards myself stemmed also from a place of resentment I felt towards my parents, something I’m trying to work through now.

So now, my deep desire to help people has to somehow outweigh everything else – I have to want this for me, on my own terms, for myself. I have to do this, not because I’ve been forced to or solely to make my parents happy and proud; those will be great consequential rewards, sure. But, I have to do it for me before I do it for anyone else.

I also need discipline – a lot of my lack of consistency comes from a lack of discipline. I give in to my own wants quite easily; I wanted to travel last year so I did. Which was more time spent away from prioritizing my degree. While I wouldn’t trade those adventures for anything in the world, now I believe that there’s a reason Luna and I fell out this year.

Avery told me straight up he thinks I should put travelling on the back burner for now. At least until I get through this degree. He even suggested I take some time away from work, because I admitted that right now, money’s been my motivation above all.

He’s honestly so right.

I know he is, which is why I don’t really allow myself to think about it a lot. But these are the things I have to do. It’s okay to have a part time and work 15 hours a week. But come on, 30-40 hours a week? I’m basically working a full-time job. Where exactly does that leave time for school?

I told Avery yet another realization I had – this job has become my comfort zone. I genuinely enjoy it, I enjoy sales and I like what I do and I have an attachment to the resultant paycheque. But I can’t settle for this, regardless of how easy and convenient it is for me.

I’m destined for more than this, I have to be. I would not have been blessed with everything that I was if I wasn’t meant for more.

It was a really good conversation. I like that he challenges me to think like that too, and he also told me that I’m like his therapist who makes him see things about himself that he hadn’t even realized (or wanted to realize LOL. I told him he’s stuck with me so he better get used to it).

I’m honestly so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. And I’m so glad that after all this time, I get to grow with them and watch them grow too. I’m truly grateful.


Anyways, I feel a lot better now after having written! Maybe it was also that a lot of my energy was getting blocked up and clouded with the amount of thoughts swirling around in my head.

Tomorrow there’s gala at work, and then I’m going to go hang out with Leila! Maybe I can convince her to meditate with me for a little, I think that would be a lot of fun for us and good for us as well. I can’t wait to catch up and hear how things have been going with her as of late! It’s been a while and I miss her.

Well, it’s getting late now so I’ll wrap this up! Olivia’s currently out on her tinder date, which seems to be going a lot more successfully than my non-date, LOL. I’m happy for her and so proud of her for getting out there!!

If I can’t find a moment to write tomorrow, I promise I will on Sunday.

Until next time,

Love always,