Day 59 to 72 – February 28th to March 13th, 2019

Holy hell, I haven’t written in two weeks. Which is fine I guess, but I got that muddled feeling again in my chest recently (it’s gone now though because I had a very enlightening, open and honest conversation today which actually helped so much).

Hello me!!! Long time no talk. How you be?

Honestly I want to say the last two weeks have been pretty busy, and I suppose they have been. I’ve had work, I’ve already had two exams, I have been studying, and when I’m not studying, I’m trying to make time for myself and all the people in my life. I don’t have very many people, that is to say, but trying to give everyone individually some time when there aren’t many days in a week is a little tricky amidst all these exams. But, I knew that March was going to be a busy month.

My saving endeavors have been going quite well! I’ve cut down the amount of unnecessary spending I do by bringing lunch to work and little tricks like that, which feels so good. And with the influx of hours I have lately, anything I do have to spend money on (various bills and expenses) I know will come back to me oh so soon.

I’ve been feeling pretty good. School has been a little stressful but I’m trying. I have more motivation than ever to do my petition and submit it, but I’m not a multi-tasking kind of person – I really want to get these exams out of the way before I hand in the petition.

In regards to work – well… I have some pretty damn good news, potentially. So, Maria has recently been promoted from Counter Manager to Business Manager (which she so completely deserves). She’ll now be more responsible for both of our major accounts at Yorkdale, which means she now needs a “co-ordinator” who can be a representative for her on her off days, when she’s on vacation, but also a person who can run/oversee events, do merchandising, and oversee/designate tasks to the other Fragrance Ambassadors along with some other responsibilities. And guess what.

THEY’RE CONSIDERING ME!!!!! It’d be a huge promotion for me from my current position – yes, I’d have a couple more responsibilities when it comes to work, but also I’d be getting yet ANOTHER raise on top of the one I just received, and a solid amount of hours per week. Here’s the best part though – it’s exactly the same amount of hours I work currently, a part-time position. Which means, I can still continue on completing my degree at my own pace but make substantially more money than I have been! Which means, I will truly be able to start saving properly.

I’ll admit – I got really excited when I heard they were considering me. I feel like I’d do so well with this promotion, and I’d be one of the youngest co-ordinators in the business. However – I did get a little worried about how this would affect my school life. I would have to more so revolve my schooling around this position I believe. And the thing is, I’m willing to do that, which kind of makes me wonder. I know they’d still be flexible with me and compromise with me, because they know school is important to me.

But the way I see it is – I genuinely enjoy this industry. I love fragrance, make-up, fashion, I always have. I love the glamour and glitz of it all. If I have the opportunity to learn more about what it all entails and move up in it while still keeping my options open and still being able to finish school, then why not, right?

Well, we’ll see what’s meant to be. Either they decide that because I have school, I won’t be as committed as they need and they don’t choose me and I continue on with my current position (which is no problem to me since I just got a raise and I still have steady hours), or I get promoted. No matter what the outcome is, I’m honoured that they considered me at all.

So that’s that on the work-school front.

I didn’t get a chance to hang out with Avery two weeks ago because some family of his actually showed up on an impromptu visit, but we did finally get a chance to hang out today. Honestly? I was nervous. I was scared that we wouldn’t still have our same click like we always have had. But, I’m glad I gave it a chance because I found out that we still do.

We talked for HOURS. We sat at this little bar in my area and just caught up on everything. How his life is going, his business plan, his relationship, my work-school life, my relationship, everything. We even got in depth about my whole dilemma regarding how hard it is for me to sit through studying and focus. He even tried to help me come up with ways to make studying more easy for me. We talked about important things – growth, the things life has taught us, what we want from and for our futures, you name it. It was real, genuine, and actually got quite in-depth. I talked about things I didn’t realize I wanted to talk about. Afterwards, I sat there in shock because it takes quite a bit for me to open up and talk about my “deeper stuff” that much.

But that’s how I knew that my gauge on our friendship was good. No matter how much time passes or how infrequently we talk, whenever we do get together, we never miss a beat. I’m so thankful for that. I’m thankful that he asks me questions that actually prompt me to think, to look within and search for answers that I may not necessarily seek myself. That’s exactly what I want from my friendships.

I told him that straight up. That I missed him, that I’m happy we were catching up, that it’s rare to have friends like him or conversations like the ones we have. I’m glad we got the opportunity to spend time with one another after all.

Friday,  Adrian is taking me to Dave N’ Busters to celebrate yet another exam over with and my potential promotion. I love him so much honestly – literally just last night I told Olivia I feel like going back to DNB soon, and then this morning, like magic, Adrian asked me if I’d like to go. It’s like, everything I hope for or think somehow just comes true when it comes to him. We really are alchemical, our relationship with one another. And I know I’m currently saying this based off of him wanting to take me to DNB LMFAO but like, that’s how fucking appreciative I am of the littlest things when it comes to us. He just makes me so happy in every possible way, and I had no idea I could have everything I could have ever wanted when it comes to a partner, you know? So I want that gratitude to shine through in my every word, in every one of my days, at all times. I’m so, so, so grateful, so thankful.

Also, he invited me to his cousin’s birthday on Saturday night!!! Also a little nervous for that, I wonder if more of his family is going to be there? I’m excited to meet them though, if that’s the case.

I know it’s early – it’s still not a full year since we’ve met. But I don’t care. I could honestly see myself ending up with him. I know we still need more time to get to know one another – see each other angry, and scared, or really, really sad. There’s still so much. But oh man. I just, can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else at the moment.

Le sigh.

Anyways, I’m going to go watch Game of Thrones now. I hope that in my next log, I can go more in depth about my relationship with school, because some very valid points were made while I was talking to Avery and he pointed out some things to me that made me think, or things I would not have thought of before. Until next time!

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 46 to 55 – February 15th to 24th, 2019

Holy hell I haven’t written in a while and I am aching to at this point. So much has happened in the course of the past week and a half – Adrian and I went on our incredibly amazing trip (and it truly was just… so, so good from start to finish), I’ve started back at work, and… we’ve just welcomed yet a new tenant into our humble abode! An international student from Sri Lanka in fact, a young girl who also goes to York.

I have so much to catch up on and I also want to do a proper check-in with myself too, especially because I finally have the weekend off and to myself (despite all the things going on around me at the moment – our new roomie is just in the midst of moving in and I’m checking in every so often to make sure that she’s settling in okay).

Man, I miss writing. I’ve had a lot of different thoughts circulating around my head lately that I would love to sort through, amidst all the catching up I’d like to do. But I don’t think I can get to that and address it as well as I’d like to until I write down how my trip went and how much fun we had, and the little moments that I don’t want to forget.

Alright! So where did I leave off?

Ah yes, Valentine’s Day. The day we finally said those three little words to each other.

So the next day, I hung out with Radha so that we could spend some time together before we left, and we actually ended up going to the crystal store! She picked out some wonderful crystals and even I was able to add to my little growing collection, which makes me happy.

I didn’t bring up the past, BUT – I did find opportunities in the midst of our conversation to emphasize that I want us to be able to openly communicate with each other, that I want us to support each other and grow together. There was even a moment where she asked me if it was strange that she would relate what I said about me back to her – I explained that we’re so used to seeing things through the lens of ourselves first and foremost that it’s become an almost automatic response to relate things back to ourselves in order to feel like we’re relating to the person we’re speaking to, even though that’s a very unconscious “me-centered” response. But I told her we’re able to get past that and cultivate a more active listening, and so she intends to do that. And she’s getting better! So even though I didn’t rehash old stuff, I do believe we can move forward together and be more open and communicative. She’s so dedicated to working through her old neural pathways and habits, so that’s all that matters to me. It’s nice to have someone in my life who is as insistent on self-awareness and growth as I am.

She slept over, and the next day she drove me over to Richmond Hill to Adrian’s, where Mark would eventually give us a ride to the airport. (Oh man, my heart aches so much remembering our initial excitement about getting ready to leave. I MISS IT SO MUCH!)

And much to my surprise and delight, Adrian’s brother and brother’s fiancée came over to wish Adrian a safe flight as well, so I got to meet them for the first time! I was just in the midst of making like a thousand pancakes for everyone, LMAO. Perfect timing, hehe.

Anyways, I ended up getting into some great conversations with his brother’s fiancée – turns out that she just recently got into watching Gossip Girl, and she and her sister used to love watching Gilmore Girls (which I myself recently just finished), and she was telling me about the “Handmaid’s Tale” which she highly recommended to me. Also, coincidentally, she’s only a year older than me and we grew up around the same area – so we actually went to the same elementary school for a brief period before I switched schools!!! What are the odds eh? Adrian even mentioned that she wants to go sky-diving one day and that that’s something that his brother is not really into (just like Adrian), so now she and I could go together while they stayed safely on the ground, LMAO. We’re all going to get along just fine.

It warms my heart so much to think that I could be a part of their little family and fit in. I can already see the future hang outs, or maybe even travelling together (they also love to travel).

Eventually, we had to leave so we all said goodbye to each other and finally headed off to the airport. Adrian and I got through customs easy-peasy (thankfully), and eventually we were able to settle in together to wait for our flight.

I loved these little moments best. The moments where we were just sitting side by side and making commentary about the things we saw around us, or how he’d affectionately kiss the side of my head or my cheek every so often while we waited. Those are the moments I wanted to hold onto the most.

Eventually, we were able to get on the flight and we were able to sit together (we weren’t too sure because we couldn’t get seats assigned to us right away) and the seats we got were actually upgrades (plenty of extra leg room at no extra cost) so we already felt so, so lucky.

Not to mention, the flight attendant ended up taking a liking to us and towards the end of the flight, she lowkey gave us some free alcohol. Adrian was SHOOK, lmao. He kept asking me if I had done anything or arranged anything and I kept laughing, because I’m used to good fortune on my travels. Good luck just happens to find me! I can’t explain it. But I’m so happy he got to experience it firsthand too.

The flights were super quick, and eventually we got into New Orleans and the first thing we did (even before picking up our luggage) was walk outside to feel the warmth in the air, which we immediately started laughing about out of pure happiness.

Once we got all of our luggage, we headed off to the hotel. Check-in was very straightforward and easy, especially since we got the hotel stay at no cost whatsoever (still can’t believe how lucky we were about this). The room was so nice! It was so big, legit a suite, and the kind sized bed was MASSIVE. Usually I always end up taking up like 90% of the bed and Adrian always ends up at the edge LMFAO. But with the size of that bed, we weren’t worried about that.

My god, it was soooooooo soooooooo soooooooo sooooooooooooo nice to fall asleep beside him. I distinctively remember thinking “I don’t want to forget this feeling right here”. The way his arms felt wrapped around me, how incredible it felt to be lying so close to him. Sigh.

Our days were so jam-packed with things to do. On our first day, we did so much that by our second day, one of our cab-drivers was surprised with how much we’d done and told us we were “doing New Orleans right”, hehe.

Our first day – we got up early for breakfast and went off to the Global Wildlife Center. It was so much fun, especially since the sun was so hot that day (a blessed 26 degrees y’all). But, I did not get to see my beloved giraffes. Alas, they’d already been fed and so they were hiding away far off in the shade of some trees. I mean, I was pretty disappointed at first – imagine being so excited for something and having it so close within your grasp just to have it taken away at the last second? But in the end, I came to terms with the idea that perhaps, I truly am meant to feed giraffes in Kenya, which has always been my ultimate dream. I’m sure it’ll be that much more worthwhile now, once I do.

Adrian was so sweet, he promised me that one day he would make that dream of mine come true and I wanted to cry LMAO. I honestly love him so much.

Speaking of – since we’ve said those words to each other, there’s been no shortage since. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing him tell me he loves me, how much he loves me. It’s truly music to my ears.

Here was the interesting part of our trip – so the Global Wildlife Center was about an hour away from New Orleans. We’d taken an Uber to get there, but… now we were in the middle of nowhere, and there was no Uber or Lyft in the vicinity whatsoever. We tried calling cab company after cab company, but they were either wildly too expensive, or unable to drive the distance to pick us up.

On the inside, I was panicking and a little upset. A situation like this was what I was afraid of in regards to travelling with Adrian – I didn’t want us to be upset with each other or fight at all. We were stranded, probably getting a little hungry, and waiting would make anyone get a little frustrated. But guess what?

He was wonderful. He held my hand, made sure to express that he was absolutely okay with everything and simply just happy to be with me and be in the warmth of the sun while we waited. Eventually we were able to find a cab driver to pick us up for an appropriate price, and it turned out to be a very interesting ride with a local Louisiana guy who was quite good-humoured and very kind.

He took us into New Orleans close to Bourbon Street, where we were able to wander around and find the musical garden and a café that sold beignets, which was on our list of food things we wanted to try. I told him how much I appreciated his patience and positivity so much, and he told me I made it easy for him. We honestly work so well together, I’m so, so happy and so thankful.

We enjoyed the live music together, and we both had our first drinks – I had a “mint julep” for the first time (bourbon, simple syrup, mint and ice) and he had a “southern comfort mango daiquiri”. We also had some gumbo and I had a shrimp “po’boy”.

Honestly we did this trip so well. We had an overall idea of what we wanted this trip to look like – from the things we saw and did, to the food and drink, and we managed to accomplish quite a lot of it for our time there. He turned out to be the absolute perfect travel buddy, and I’m picky as hell about my travel buddies. But he was just like me – super easy-going, go-with-the-flow but also took charge when he needed to (and I was HERE for it, mm damn).

That day we did our haunted voodoo tour too, and man New Orleans is so much more haunted than I realized. I would go back just to explore those aspects of the city, because our tour was kind of like a brief dipping a toe in the water kind of introduction to it all. The way our tour guide told the stories had chills going up and down my spine. But it also made me realize that somewhere deep down, I knew exactly why that city had been calling out to me.

After the tour, we ended up going to Frenchmen Street – where all the live music was to be had. We ended up having a drink in a bar with a live band playing, and we even got gator-sausage pizza for dinner! It was actually pretty damn good, LOL. Very chewy.

We had a pretty busy first day, but man what an adventure it was.

I’m actually almost a little sad typing all of this out, reliving it in a weird way. I’m usually quite okay with coming back from my travels and I usually readjust back to my daily routine quite easily, but this time it feels different. I didn’t realize how much I would enjoy being in Adrian’s company and I got so used to it, you know? I feel bruise-y and I miss him a lot, which is also strange because I don’t miss him easily, or anyone easily for that matter. Except for Olivia, who’s also been gone for a little while now (she left to Cleveland the day I came back from New Orleans, so I haven’t seen her in over a week).

I guess it’s going to take a little time to get used to seeing him once a week again, and our texting frequency (which is usually like once a day); it’s just weird going from being with him all the time and being able to talk to him about anything and everything whenever and getting kisses whenever I wanted, to having to wait to see him or hear from him again. Le sigh. Such is life.

Anyways! The second day, we did our tour of the swamp lands in another part of Louisiana, and that was also a lot of fun – we got to see a swamp hog and raccoon, and even got to see how the “swamp-people” live (people who have built homes directly on the swamp).

That took up a better part of the day, and once we got back to the hotel in the afternoon we decided to rest for a little and just relax since we had been so go-go-go from the start of our trip. This was probably one of my most favourite days too – we ended up just lounging in bed for hours upon hours, talking endlessly about everything and anything. It was so nice to just hang out with him, munch on the last of the forty nuggets we’d ordered from McDonald’s, watch a little TV and then knock out.

I love that after almost a year of seeing each other, there’s still so much that we’re learning about one another. I love that we can literally talk about anything – we went from talking about old pets to past lives, which is quite a jump, but that’s us. I know I probably sound crazy to anyone else, but he actually listens to what I have to say with such an open mind and such receptiveness.

The next day, we met Adrian’s boss’ friend, who gave us a private walking tour of the entire Mercedes-Benz stadium (which was incredible!). He was quite a presence actually – turns out he just recently ended his term as President of the entire New Orleans Food and Beverage association, (which made him that much more intimidating, LMAO). But he ended up taking us out to lunch, which was very kind. And it was so impressive too – EVERYONE knew who he was. In fact, everyone was so nervous around him that it made Adrian and I seem like some kind of VIP guests, LMAO. The GM of the WW2 museum came up to us and personally introduced herself, as well as gave us free tickets to the museum and exhibits. It was such an incredible experience. Adrian and I really do work so well together – he’s got massive and amazing hook-ups of his own! Together, we shall travel and take over the world, muahahahahaaaaa.

The museum was really cool, both Adrian and I have a love for history (Adrian more so than me – he was a history major at UofT) so we both enjoyed walking around quite a bit.

The last night was the most epic, for sure – we went to the Carousel bar at Hotel Monteleone, got tipsy, walked around the city like that until we got to Drago’s where we had the most incredible charbroiled garlic-butter oysters we ever had in our life with some bubbly sweet moscato, and then we went straight back to Frenchmen Street to get drunk and listen to more live music.

It was such a wild night! I had absinthe for the first time ever, and then I had Sazerac (which is native to NOLA I believe) so I was out to lunch LMAO. Adrian himself was kind of tipsy too, but we were having a wonderful time just bar-hopping and listening to as much of the music as we wanted to.

At one point, he stepped out for a smoke, and then when he came back in he looked at me and was like, “I’m going to get an estimate”. And I was like, “for what?” and he was like, “for a tattoo”. And with me in complete shock and awe, we walked out of the bar, down the street and straight into a nearby tattoo parlour.

I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Usually it’d be me who’d be spontaneously deciding to get a tattoo on trip (which I STILL haven’t done!). I watched him pick out a font, work out a price, and that was it. He got the lyrics “what a wonderful world”, as a tribute to the great Louis Armstrong (who was born and raised in New Orleans) as well as ode to the fact that it is, truly, a wonderful world. My entire heart.

And in that moment, I couldn’t help but think – “well, looks like I’ve actually found my soulmate”, LOL. Seriously though. It was just… such an incredible experience to share with him.

I was heavily considering getting a tattoo as well, but honestly I was way past gone, and I felt that that night it was Adrian’s moment to do something that monumental. It was the right time for him. Eventually, once we’d had our fill of Frenchmen Street and all that jazz (hehe), we finally headed back to our hotel for our last night of sleeping beside each other.

He very much enjoyed “drunk Steph”, much to my relief. I was a combination of “sleepy-happy”, (which we now call “slappy”) and super giggly. And he was so sweet – he made sure I drank all the water I needed before we went to bed, made sure I was feeling okay. And we had a wonderful conversation while we laid in bed together face to face. I straight-up asked him why he didn’t tell me he loved me first if he’d felt that way the whole time, and he admitted that I may have bigger balls than him, LOL. But in all honesty, he’d been kind of afraid of rejection, even though deep down he knew that he didn’t have to be. And he wanted to know that I was sure first before he said anything himself, and that’s absolutely okay. He told me he hasn’t regretted saying it back to me once, and that he knows how he feels about me without a doubt – that this trip with me only reaffirmed what he knew he felt. I told him that I said those words finally not because I needed to hear them back, but because I truly just needed him to know how I felt. How much I was bursting at the seams to tell him.

It was a lovely way to end our trip. This vacation went better than I could have imagined, from start to finish. And now, I can’t imagine travelling with anyone else. We’ve gotten so close that he doesn’t just feel like my boyfriend anymore, but my best friend too. I want more than anything to share the love I have for travelling with the love of my life. And he feels the exact same way. We’re already in the works of planning our next trip, potentially in May. We’ll see what’s meant to be!

We ended up getting delayed and stuck in Dallas due to ice storms in Toronto, but I didn’t even mind that. I was actually happy that I was able to spend more time with him, LOL.

Eventually we made it back, and he insisted on giving me a ride home so I went back with him to Richmond Hill. In the cab ride there, I couldn’t help but tear up when I thought about how much closer we’d become, how much more intimate we’d been with each other. I promised the heavens and the powers that be that I would spend each and every one of my days that I had with him doing my best to show him how much I loved him, that I would do my best to fill all of his days with nothing but magic and happiness because he deserved nothing less than that.

So… yeah, I’d say it was a successful trip, all in all. LOL.

I DID IT! I WROTE ABOUT MY WHOLE TRIP, WHOO HOOO!

Go me, go me, go me *does a little happy dance*.

Not a lot has happened since I’ve been back. I went straight to work, saw all my coworkers and caught up with them about the whatnot I’ve missed and about my trip, and now I’ve had the weekend off so I’ve just been at home helping our new house-mate settle in. She’s super nice and sweet, so little and small and I just want to make sure she feels happy and comfortable here. She also seems really chill and like… “modern”? Like I don’t know what the word would be for someone from Sri Lanka who has a more contemporary mindset, LOL.

I definitely want to take her out and show her Toronto, and I think this’ll be an interesting way to kind of see my own city through the eyes of someone who isn’t familiar with it. It’s funny, I was actually thinking about this on the way back home after my trip – if I wasn’t a Toronto native and I chose this place to visit as one of my trips, where would I go? What would I want to see? What food places would I go to? So, I think I’m going to keep to that line of thought as we show our new roomie around. Especially as the weather gets nicer too.

I honestly don’t mind that she’s moved into our spare room. I’m really not home that often, and neither is Olivia, and it’ll be nice for my mom to have some company on the days or weekends that we’re not here. In fact, when we do go away, we’ll have someone here at home to look after things and like feed my cat and stuff, so that helps too. And the extra income we’ll be getting from this will help my mom out a lot as well, which is so great. It’s a win-win-win situation (as Michael Scott would say).

How have I been feeling lately since I got back? Well. I always get this feeling when I travel that I’m perfectly in sync with all of my self. My surface self, my deeper self, my little voice, my mind and heart. It’s the peace and contentedness that I don’t experience anywhere else. It definitely makes me realize that travel is something I should be pursuing in my life, somehow. I know I’ll figure it out.

I also really want to invest some time in getting back in tune with myself, strengthening my intuition and working on me. My finances are slowly getting in order and I’m excited to save and spend wisely, that’ll be a new challenge that I’m quite ready to take on. So, slowly but surely, I’m back on the wavelength of trying my best to shape my life into the exact ways that I want it to be.

School-wise, there’s definitely a lot of work to be done internally. I need to figure out how to strengthen and sharpen my attention span, and continuously re-work my old neural pathways regarding the resentments I feel towards school and feeling like I’ve been forced to do it, in to a healthier “I’m doing this for me” viewpoint. Or else, I’m going to continue to struggle through for the next couple years in a loop of “will she, won’t she”.

I feel good about writing this stuff. As reading week comes to a close, I look forward to getting back on track in all the ways I set out to. I feel rested and recharged from my incredible trip, and spending some time at home has also helped me to gather back my energies and draw them closer to me.

Speaking of my energies… I think I’m finally beginning to re-evaluate what I want from my friendships the same way I did my relationships. Here’s how I look at it – if I could go from being in a toxic relationship, being cheated on and under-appreciated, to an incredibly healthy loving relationship with a guy who showers me with affection and fulfills all my needs, then I can absolutely have the kind of healthy fulfilling friendships that I would like to have in my life.

I think I briefly outlined in one of my recent logs of what I would like from my friendships, but I think I need to go into more depth about it in order to give a clear picture to the Universe, in order to manifest it.

I remember how I did those exercises on paper about what I wanted to manifest in a partner, and all of those little things I’ve written have actually come to life in the form of Adrian. Like even the weird little quirks I wrote like “has hobbies like playing sports” or “wakes up and kisses me good morning each and every time” or “does a job he enjoys”, all of that came true. From being written down? I don’t know, but I do believe in the power that words have, the energy that writing things down carries.

Maybe I’ll do the same exercises, but what I want in my friends. Right down to the specifics. If I can manifest the absolute perfect partner for myself, I sure as hell believe I can manifest the right friendships too. And I know no one’s perfect, I know people are constantly changing and that nothing remains the same. But there are things I do not want to settle for, and then there are things I would love from the people in my life. Why can’t we have exactly what we want from our lives? We’re the only ones in our own way if we believe anything but.

I want the kind of friendships where we don’t have to talk every day and I think nothing of it because I know that when we do talk, it’ll be as though no time has passed. I want those kinds of friendships where once we do decide to make plans, it happens easily and being in one another’s presence never ever feels forced. I want those genuine connections with people who acknowledge just as openly and honestly as I do that there’s still more growth to be had. And selfishly, I want some friendships where I can have those crazy, deep, kooky, strange, out of the box conversations about energy, spirits, past-lives, conspiracy theories, spirituality, life and death and all the cool stuff I can talk endlessly about. I’m tired of “small-talk”.

If that means there’s less and less people in my life as a result, so be it. I’d take a few of those gem-like people I see or talk to every so often than any uncomfortable frequent forced interactions with people I sort-of kind-of connect with, any day.

Whatever is meant to be, shall be.

My family goes without saying. I know I’m going to be lifelong friends with the people I consider “family”. I know sometimes family doesn’t always stay that way, but that’s what I’ve grown up with and I’d love to keep it that way. I’m always going to do my best to reach out to them, and they’ve always been people in my life that I can go months without seeing or sometimes even talking to and when we all get together it’s like nothing’s changed whatsoever.

For now, I’m just going to let go and go with the flow. Whatever is meant to be will be. Sometimes people come back into your life in ways you would have never even imagined or realized, and sometimes space is good. I’m just done with trying to force things. Whatever flows, flows, and whatever crashes, crashes – and whatever is meant for me, will be for me. That is all. For now, I’m just going to focus on doing the best I can for myself, being as authentic and genuine as I can be, and doing what feels right. I’m going to focus on strengthening my inner voice, the same way I was so intent on it last year and the year before that. I’ve actually just recently ordered some books on that very topic, because it’s been a bit difficult for me to find any works that resonate with me at the moment. We’ll see how it goes with the books I’m about to get.

This was a good and lengthy log! Much overdue. Lately I’ve been wondering if it’s time to start posting my logs online again. The thing is, there’s some things I’ve been very, very honest about that should probably be for my own eyes only. Which means, if I do start posting these logs online, they will be slightly censored (in the fact that I will have to remove some excerpts from it). I guess that’s okay though. Like I’ve said before, my writing has to be for me, first and foremost. I guess I’ll be making my return to the online world soon.

So, this week. I’ll be returning to school, picking up some extra hours at work now that there will be more podiums and more hours available as a result. I’ll be helping Bea (our new house-mate) get acclimated to her new surroundings. Man, that girl has been through hell and back. I almost cried listening to everything she went through her first two months of being here. I’m so happy she’s found her way to our little family. I hope she’ll feel at home with us because she seems to be so kind and have a massive heart herself.

Anyways, that’s it for today! I feel good. I feel great actually. It’s so nice to touch base with myself and rest, and recharge, and do things for me that protect my energy. It feels good to do things for me, period. I’m happy.

I’m going to help Bea make a resume now so that she can get a job and help her parents out (sweet little thing). Until I write next,

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 44 + 45 – February 13 & 14th, 2019

I don’t know if I want to write a full log today but I can’t sleep right now because I’m honestly so happy and that happiness is actually keeping me awake, like I legit am THAT happy that I cannot get myself to sleep. This has been THE best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever, ever, ever experienced in my 26 years of living and I can’t stop saying how happy I am, LMAO. Omg.

Maybe I will go into a little bit of detail (since I can’t sleep anyways) but also because I don’t want to forget ANY of it.

So we didn’t have any plans today but after I finished work, Adrian came all the way over to my house to surprise me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, heart-shaped cookies and a card. It was soooooo cute, the way he was just standing outside my door with that smile on his face, AHHH.

Once he came in and we sat for a bit, I opened the card and the front page said “love you lots” and I literally stared at it for a good couple minutes before looking up at him, and he was watching me carefully. Inside, he’d written a wonderful little poem for me (similar to the poem he’d written and sent to me earlier this morning), and it was so incredibly sweet.

After that, I told him I had been planning on binging rom-coms and packing that evening, so instead we watched Lala Land together, one of my favourite romantic movies. And then, he got us dinner from my favourite Caribbean food place just down the road from my neighbourhood. It was absolutely the most perfect date night-in, and definitely the cutest and sweetest Valentine’s date I’ve ever had.

And as wonderful as all these things are, that’s not the main reason I can’t stop smiling or can’t sleep.

It’s because after all of this, when it was finally time for him to leave and we were standing in the hallway near the kitchen, I finally realized I was ready to say what I’ve always wanted to tell him.

So, I began by telling him that this was the best Valentine’s date I’ve ever been on. That no one has ever made me this happy, done anything this romantic for me, made me feel this appreciated and cared for, and no one has ever made me feel this free. And even though we’d only really “officially” started dating recently, it was because of those reasons…

I finally said “I love you”.

I meant it with every single fibre of my being. I was never more present than I was when I was looking into his eyes as I said those words, with no fear or hesitation whatsoever.

And guess what?

He said it back.

HE SAID IT BACK!!!!! He gazed at me for a moment, eyes wide as I was saying everything I was saying, and then he smiled at me so warmly before telling me he loved me too.

And my whole entire heart melted when he kissed me. It was so full of emotion and passion that I literally burst into happy tears as we kissed, LMFAO. I honestly couldn’t help but say “omg this cannot get anymore cheesy” when we pulled apart. But as cheesy as it was, it was such a beautiful, raw, honest and tender moment.

I was crying so much he had to get me a tissue omg. But honestly I was so freaking happy, I couldn’t help it!! I looked at him and I was like, “you do?” And he nodded and I explained that I was scared because I wasn’t sure if it’d be too soon.

I asked him if he knew why I had told him to tell me when he read the double-sided note, and he’d known all along! He’s known the whole time what I’ve been trying to tell him, I think we know each other too well now to really hide anything. I told him I chickened out then, but that I was finally ready to say it today and he agreed that it should only be said when one was ready to say it.

And then he said it again, and whispered it in my ear, and oh how wonderful it was to hear those words in his voice.

And that is why I cannot sleep, and cannot stop smiling. I have finally said the words that I’ve been keeping in my heart for quite some time now. And it was so freeing to be so vulnerable – it felt like jumping off a cliff in the most wonderful way possible, the thrill of the fall and the cool rush of the water below.

Lord almighty I think I’ve cried more in this one month alone than I have in the past two years LMFAO. All for good reasons though, the last session was because Olivia and I had the deepest and most connected and vulnerable conversation which made us both cry.

Anyways, I guess there’s no better day that the “day of love” to express that love eh? Sighhhh.

But I intend to, for every day after. I want to show him how much I love him in all the things I do, in my touch, through the sound of my voice, the little gestures – not just the words themselves. And I will.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe. Lord knows about 3 years ago I would never in a million years have thought I could be this happy, or be with someone this absolutely incredibly wonderful. I am so blessed and so completely grateful.

Okay, I’m going to try to get some shut-eye! I woke up today and knew it was going to be life-changing in someway hehe. To our first Valentines Day together… and for all the ones to come.

Love always, love all around in every way,

Me.

Day 42 + 43 – February 11 & 12, 2019

I don’t know why, but today honestly felt like a whole week in one day. There was another massive snow storm today so I didn’t go anywhere, and I did stuff – I organized my finances, shovelled the driveway, added some more information to my NOLA tour list, and then I even went outside to get some good cardio by making a snowman for a couple hours.

So, on today’s episode of “What’s On My Mind” –  friendships, in general.

Adrian’s still friends with people he’s known from ELEMENTARY school. I’ve had incredible friends come and go in my life for a very long time. And 99% of the time, it’s been me leaving. I left my friendships with every one I was every close with in high school, most of the girls from University, even Radha for a time being until I came back to our friendship. I’ve broken up with pretty much EVERYONE who’s been in my life for any longer than a couple years, and that goes for my friendships too.

LMFAO, do I have commitment issues? What the hell is this new pattern that I’m suddenly seeing?

It’s like, I get this weird feeling like I’ve “outgrown” people, and I dip. I ghost. I’m on to the next, no problem.

I mean, it could be that I’ve served my purpose of being in their life and it was my time to leave, you know? Sometimes you’re not meant to stay in someone’s book, you’re only there for a chapter and you dip.

But who’s going to be in my life for the book, I wonder? And I even found myself wondering today – do I have a faulty choosing-mechanism when it comes to friendships?

I did when it came to relationships, but I’ve changed that. Does that mean that my outlook on my friendships are changing too now because I understand that I deserve more?

What is this “more” that I’m seeking from my friendships now?

Here’s what I want from the friendships I choose to invest in, in my life:

Definitely authenticity. Genuine connections, vulnerability. Conversations that make us grow, think and feel. I want support and encouragement, not competition. I want pure and real happiness for one another – like actually being able to be happy for each other because their happiness makes you happy as well. Laughter, lots of that. And love.

Basically kind of what I want from my romantic relationships. I guess it doesn’t really matter what kind of relationship it is – the basic needs/necessities stay the same. I don’t think I’m asking for too much.

I feel like I’m re-evaluating my friendships now too. I guess that’s a good thing though. It means that I love myself enough to demand this level of quality from all aspects of my life.

But I want to be able to do so, as me. As my earnest, honest, happy self. I want to be able to do everything with the best of my intentions because when I look back, I won’t have any regrets whatsoever.

And I want to be light-hearted about this too. Because, whoever is meant to end up in my life is more than welcome to be there. And whoever isn’t – just like everyone else who is no longer in my life – will be thought of fondly and wished well.

Anyways, I should probably wrap this up because I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow; I’ve got class in the morning, work after that, and then I’m hanging out with Avery after for the first time in a really long time.

I’m glad he’s making an effort for us to do so, even though it’s going to be pretty late. Just another opportunity for me to gauge who exactly deserves my time and energy! We’ll see.

I can’t wait to go on this trip, holy shit. I need to get away so bad, so so so bad.

Alrighty, I shall write soon!

Love always, love for realsies,

Me.

Day 41 – February 10th, 2019

I’m feeling a lot more hopeful these days. I feel like the Universe is slowly communicating with me again as I’ve consciously made the decision to both guard and invest my energy wisely in both myself and whatever I choose to expend it towards.

It’s been a lovely lazy Sunday in. I’m happy that I had this whole day to myself thus far. I stayed in bed until around noon because I never get to do that, and it was so nice. I feel well-rested.

I even had a really nice conversation with Radha (she sent me this link about how the stresses and emotional responses that we repress or deal with inefficiently turn into chronic pain and illness – in regards to my lymph nodes) and we got into a deep discussion that ended up being filled with different coincidences. I actually felt happy to talk with her and realized that… I miss her! I miss our talks and our deep conversations about the universe and energy. She was one the only other people I was able to have those kinds of conversations with, and by holding her at arms’ length because I was unable to express myself to her, I inevitably distanced myself from her instead of just being honest and moving forward with our friendship.

But I value our friendship, I really do. And I want to respect it. A part of the reason that I held back from saying anything was because I was afraid she would internalize it or be hurt by it, or not be able to handle my honesty. But that’s discrediting her – that’s underestimating her ability to handle adult conversations and communication. That’s not fair of me to assume that, and I’m also doing a disservice to both myself and our friendship by not communicating how I feel and leaving it to fester.

We’re hanging out this Friday before I leave to New Orleans to check out some crystals. So when we hang out, I’ll be honest and tell her everything I’ve felt before I started distancing myself from her. How it hurt when she compared us to that guy she was seeing (even if I didn’t really care about his opinion per se – just that she felt the need to compare us at all). How I don’t want our friendship to be a competition at all; I want us to be able to grow together and help each other be our best selves, but together. How I really care about her and appreciate our friendship with each other, and that I know it’s my responsibility to tell her how I feel and be honest with her. She asks me time and time again if I feel like we’re being equal with each other in terms of giving each other enough space to talk and I always lie through my teeth because I say I don’t need anything from anyone, and that’s not fair to me or her either. That’s me assuming that she knows what I need or that she’s a mind reader, and then when she openly asks me if she’s giving me what I need, I lie. That’s not fair.

I feel like the more meditation I do to cleanse and open up my throat chakra, the more confidence and ease I have openly communicating all the things I want to say. And after watching that video of the lecture that that doctor gave over the importance between the mind and the body, I really do feel like a part of the reason my lymph nodes swelled up with no indication, no symptoms whatsoever, or any source, was because I haven’t been openly communicative as I could have been these past couple months – with myself, or the people around me. Not to mention, I’ve stopped my sessions with Nadia so it’s not like I’ve had that consistent steady outlet to pour out all my thoughts and emotions to, and I even really stopped doing that within my logs, right? So everything kind of just festered within me.

So many different revelations these days!!! And reading through my old logs is helping me a lot too, because comparing the way I’ve been writing these past couple months versus how I used to write, there’s definitely a big difference. Like even the fact that I was typing and posting my logs directly online – I got so used to using everyone else’s fake names (identities) that I was creating a weird separation between my reality and the things I wrote about in my life, almost like a separate narrative that I was disconnected from. But this IS my life, regardless of whether or not I post it online or who’s named what.

Alrighty! After this log, I’m going to do some work in my new financial journal and check out that Google doc spreadsheet thing that Adrian showed me in terms of logging my purchases and keeping track of my spending. I’m a little worried that I was maybe a bit too… exaggerated, in how I told him about my financial situation. Like I hope I didn’t give him the impression that I don’t have any money, because that’s not the case – I do. It’s just the way I go about spending it that I want to become more conscientious of. It doesn’t mean that I want to stop paying for our dates sometimes, or treating him to stuff, or being generous, because that’s who I am and I’m not going to stop those things. But, I don’t need to Uber everywhere, and I don’t need ridiculously pricey stuff or an excess amount of candles, and I could do a better job of not going over my data every month (which is also a lot of where my money is going too). I’m just trying to learn how to budget the money that I do have, better.

I have this weird nagging feeling that I should clarify what I meant by that because I’m scared that he’s going to think that I shouldn’t pay for stuff or that I don’t have money or something like that. Or that I’m irresponsible. I don’t want him having the “wrong” impression of me because I care about what he thinks of me, which is why I’ve never really said anything about it before, you know? But I really am trying to be honest about who I am with him, because I want him to have that whole picture. Plus, that’s only my situation temporarily – this isn’t something I intend to identify myself with on a constant basis, this is something I have every intention to work on and rectify, like I did all my other… “personal problems”, for lack of a better word.

Hm. I like everything I just typed. I think I’m going to text it all to him, just so I do have peace of mind. Especially because we’re going on vacation now together for the first time and I don’t want him to feel like he’s going to have sole financial responsibility for this trip. I’m an adult, I made the decision to go, ergo I have to have the funds to do so, which I do.

Yes. I can be honest with him. Especially after everything last night.

I just read this quote on Instagram: “my current situation is not my final destination” and that applies to everything I just said, perfectly. The things I’m working on within myself at this moment do not define who I am. The resiliency of my character is what defines me.

Anyways – ABOUT LAST NIGHT!

Gah, where do I even begin? I so badly don’t want to miss anything that was discussed but if I do, it’s okay. I can always go back and add it in, and also it doesn’t really matter just how much of it I capture, as long as I get the essence of it all.

Okay so – side note, holy shit. I really do have such a hard time starting things. And like, sticking with them. Do you know how many times I’ve gotten up in the midst of writing this log to do absolutely nothing, or change something on the calendar in the kitchen, or open the fridge just to walk back, or just check my phone? Wow. My attention span is something I really need to work on because this is nuts. I can’t allow myself to endure this kind of low-level anxiety every time I sit down in front of a computer or try to get something done, this is insane.

Like as I’m typing this, I’m thinking about how hungry I am, and wondering if I should pause this in order to eat something and then come back to this after because that impulse is what’s capturing my attention at the moment. Actually… I am kind of hungry. And I don’t want to be distracted as I’m typing this log because it’s important to me. Okay… quick break, and I’ll be back.

Alright so that break ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be, but that’s okay because the night is relatively still young. Olivia came home and I filled her in on the whole story with all the details involved, and now I kind of have less of an attachment to getting all the details in because telling the story out loud is going to no doubt reinforce the important parts in my memory better. Nevertheless, I’m still going to type it out here for my own sake and to the best of my ability.

Okay so, when he first picked me up from work, we ended up getting stuck in traffic so we ended up talking for a little while as we waited to get out of it. And while we did, all of a sudden he was like, “so I read the note”, and TOTALLY CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, that was NOT how I was expecting that moment to go down LMAO. But in my silence, he leaned over and kissed me so sweetly in response to what the note held, which was so cute.

Once he pulled away, I was like “I’ll tell you why I asked you to tell me when you read it, in a bit”, (in an effort to buy myself some more time while I figured out what direction I was going to head in).

So we spent the afternoon going from place to place – we went to a bulk food store to get snacks for the plane rides, and then we went to a Walmart so I could grab toiletries and stuff. After we got everything we needed, we headed to a Starbucks in his area so that we could sit down and bang out a general plan for our trip regarding the things we would want to do or see and on what days.

And it went so well! We’re both very agreeable, flexible and go-with-the-flow, but we also still managed to come up with a game plan for each day that made sense time and distance wise, which made me so, so happy. We really are so alike in both our organizational aspects AND flexibility. I CANNOT WAIT TO FEED GIRAFFES HOLY SHIT. And even though he’s not the biggest fan of the paranormal, he still wants to do a scary voodoo-tour with me :’). He’s so great, honestly.

Anyways, here’s how the conversation happened: once we finished planning through everything, I started flipping through my little pocket book and I blurted out how bad I was with spending and how I’ve been trying to keep track of my expenses in order to be more conscientious about my finances, and he didn’t seem phased at all! Although he did notice as well how much I use Uber (heh), but suggested some great ideas as to how I could go about monitoring what I spend and stuff. He told me about this app I can use to keep track of it all, which was so helpful.

After that, we started talking about his friend that he was planning on meeting up with later, a friend he’d had from high school.

Oh man. I don’t know why but I’m only realizing how long this conversation actually was and all of a sudden it’s so daunting to try and write down all of it, LMAO. Maaaannnnnnnnn.

Okay. Maybe I’ll elaborate at a later time, but for now – we basically ended up talking about what each of us were like in high school, and in university. He told me about how he’s basically stayed the same throughout both, at least in the important ways. But we touched upon the anger that he used to feel when he was a kid, the anger he related to in the metal music he became accustomed to listening to. And I asked him if he still felt any of that old anger (because it was anger he was entitled to, with everything he’d been going through at the time as a child. His mom had been battling that cancer for about ten years before she passed away).

He explained to me that he’d come to terms with a lot of that anger, and that he no longer woke up in the morning feeling angry at the world.

And finally, I got to ask him about his ex. How they met, what their relationship was like, what she was like, what led to them breaking up, how he knew he wanted to, and why. All of it. And he answered every single question I had so openly, so freely, with no defensiveness whatsoever (which is amazing, because that means he isn’t holding onto or harbouring any latent feelings about it any longer).

I even asked him if she was his first love and he said she was, but that love doesn’t always last. Either way, it was nice to know that despite everything they’d been through and however he ended up feeling towards her, that he did love her, that she was a big part of his life.

We talked for hours and it felt like minutes, just like it did on our first date. He asked me questions too, and I told him very honestly what I was like when I was with Nick. How I was terribly insecure, jealous, attached, constantly checking my phone for texts, possessive, the works. And I told him that despite how far I’ve come from that, I’m far from perfect and still a work in progress, and he said we’d work on ourselves, together, which I loved.

Finally, he asked me again why I asked him to tell me when he read that particular note. And I just… locked eyes with him. And I can’t explain it but… I got the weirdest feeling that he knew exactly why I had asked him to tell me. As though he knew exactly what my plan had been the entire time and he was watching to see if I’d go through with it after all.

I didn’t.

I told him all the things I planned to say instead – that that was the moment I knew for sure that this was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, maybe unlike anything I ever would. That that moment was so incredibly important to me, and I wanted him to know just how much. I told him openly how happy he’s made me, that this is the happiest I’ve ever been. That I never believed or imagined I could have anything as good as what we have with one another.

Because in that split second moment as he was gazing at me, I realized that there really is still so much we have to get to know about each other, as beautiful and open and honest as those prior moments were. And I want him to know all of me, the same way I want to know all of him. I want to be bursting at the seams with that love before I say it out loud. I don’t even care if he says it back in that moment. All I know is that I want it to be my absolute truth before it’s his, too.

But it was a lovely moment either way. He told me that I’m the first person he wants to tell all his amazing news to, that his friends love me and think I’m perfect for him. He told me that he wants to know all of me too. That he’s never been happier either.

Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for that entire conversation to go any other way. I feel like I finally asked him so much of what I’ve wanted to ask for so long, and told him so much about me too. We’re really connecting, and on our own terms too.

I can’t wait for this trip with him. I’m sure it’ll force us to come out of our comfort zones with one another even further, and I’m truly looking forward to that.

Okay, it’s late now and I should get some rest before work tomorrow! But until the next time I write.

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 40 – February 9th, 2019

It’s been a while since I’ve been this excited to type a log!!!! I finally asked Adrian all the questions I’ve wanted to ask him about his ex, FINALLY!!! And, I was so honest about myself in so many ways because he asked me a lot of questions that I answered as vulnerably and openly as I could. All in all, not only did we plan our trip for next weekend but we actually got to know each other a little deeper tonight.

God it was so good. It went exactly the way I’ve pictured in my head, over and over. I like the way we ask each other questions, and then listen. It honestly feels like we’re playing a game of “guess who” but with deeper and more meaningful questions and we each have… each other? Was that a proper analogy? I guess I could just say that it’s like we’re each puzzles and we’re trying to put pieces together in the attempt to get the full picture of one another.

What’s so funny is that in my last log (or the one before that?) I said something about how I can’t force those vulnerable moments and as true as that was… this happened so naturally and yet so quickly within asking for it to happen!!! I guess yes you can’t force things but you sure as hell can make use of the opportunities given to you to do so. MANIFESTATIONNNNNNN!

I just re-read this over and I can’t tell if it makes sense because I am slightly high LOL. I also keep getting lost in reminiscing about this past evening because it was just that good. And oh my god that moment when we asked me about that double-sided paper at the end… kjsdfkdhrkjdhrtgkjhfbg

I don’t think I can do this log proper justice right now in this state but I sure as hell do not want to forget anything so – quick highlights for myself: telling him I’m bad with money and trying to save now, asking about what he was like in high school, him asking me what I was like in high school, which led to me asking him about how his tastes in the stuff he liked as a kid was formed, which led to me asking him if he was still “angry”, which eventually led to what he was like in university versus what I was like in university, which led to me asking him about her (how did you meet, how long were you together, what went wrong, why/how he felt the way he felt, the story of how they broke up, I asked him why he calls her “crazy”), which led to him asking me why I stopped being friends with Radha, which also led to talking about my relationship with Nick, which led to what I was like in my relationship with Nick, and then I finally asked him the “last question”, and then he asked me his “last question” which led to “that moment” and our wonderful heartfelt conversation afterwards.

Okay. That’s the cliff notes version of tonight, hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I’ll still remember all the filling pieces in between those high lights to flesh out the conversation because this is definitely one I do not want to forget. I feel like we got a lot more transparent with one another and even now I’m still so in awe with how openly and honestly he responds to all my questions with no hesitation or judgement whatsoever.

And you know what’s really funny? NONE OF THIS would have happened tonight had I gone to that goddamn dinner!!!!! The universe man, the universe. It works in the most mysterious yet wonderful ways. And I cannot thank it enough for looking out for me, even in the moments that I’m not in the right place to look out for myself. Just, thank you Universe. Thank you.

I’m so happy. I just can’t believe I finally got to ask everything I’ve wanted to ask for so long. And I’m so incredibly happy he was so receptive to it – it didn’t seem like he was holding back in the slightest. He wasn’t defensive or curious as to why I was asking what I was asking, he just went with it and let it be what it was.

Oh, side note that I also do not want to forget – he mentioned that his friends think I’m perfect for him!!! Which is so incredibly important to me because they’ve been in his life since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. So basically, forever LMAO. And I know that his friends are extremely important to him, they know him better than anyone and they are his constant. So the fact that they like me and think we’re perfect for one another means the world to me.

It’s so scary being vulnerable. I both get and don’t get why. My heart was racing so fast the entire time I was trying to figure out what exactly I was going to say about the double-sided note. But it felt so good, so so so good to be honest and open.

Okay, I’ve been sitting for a little while here just thinking and thinking and thinking but I think (LOL) it’s about time I get some rest. This was such a good day. And one week exactly from today, I’ll either be dancing it up somewhere in New Orleans or falling asleep all cuddled up in a King suite, with the love of my life. Sigh.

Until tomorrow then!

Love always, always,

Me.

Day 38 + 39 – February 7th & 8th, 2019

I always have so much trouble starting these things. Anything, really. Essays, assignments, studying. Not that writing to myself should equate to those things, but still. ANYWAYS!!!

Writing to myself… what would I like to talk about today?

Actually, I’m going to talk about the things I did that made me feel good today.

Today I sat down and I started breaking down all my finances. What I have, what I don’t, where my money goes, estimates on how much I spend on my expenses versus estimates on how much I SHOULD be spending. And so, I came to an efficient budget per week that should help me to start saving, once I start clearing away my debts. It felt SO GOOD!

I’ve got to be diligent and disciplined about this. Once my OSAP money comes in, it’ll give me a chance to start fresh and start implementing the strategies that I’ve come up.

What else did I want to talk about? What else has been on my mind?

Oh!!! I recently read over some logs around this time last year, and I wrote the EXACT same thing about feeling low despite taking care of myself. Could it be that I actually have something like Seasonal Affective Disorder and that winter actually gets to me a lot more than I realize it does? Because it was almost uncanny, how word for word I described then what I’ve felt now, even if different reasons did contribute to it.

I got to keep taking the Vitamin D supplements, seriously. Aaaand now I just did, LOL.

Something else that’s been on my mind – I keep thinking about what I want to tell Adrian when he tells me he’s read the paper. Like I keep trying to visualize it in my head and it keeps going in all sorts of different directions because I don’t know what I want to say or what I should say.

My gut says be honest – so do I be honest and say that it was all a part of this deliberate plan that I had? Hmm.

Remember, no over-complicating things.

I just want to speak from my heart, that’s what I want. I want him to know that that’s the moment that I fell head over heels for him, the moment I knew that this was going to be unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with someone and it SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME but I care about him so, so much and I want him to know who I am and I want to know who he is and I just… I just want this. So bad. I really do.

So, that’s what I’ll do. No fears, no hesitation, just honesty. I’ve been able to do that before and I can do it again. I have all the crystals I need to be openly communicative now after all, not just with myself but to someone who truly has come to mean the world to me.

Okay. I feel better about that. It was running through my head a lot today because I’m seeing him some time tomorrow so that we can get whatever we may need for our New Orleans trip, and then I guess we’re hanging out after (hopefully)! We also have to plan some stuff too.

Speaking of this trip – you know what I realized? I’m nowhere near as excited for it as I should be! Maybe it’s because it hasn’t quite hit me yet, but today as I began some research about the trip, the excitement slowly started creeping in.

YOU’RE TRAVELLING AGAIN!!! You’re feet are going to be leaving the ground, you’re going to yet another amazing place in the world!! That’s EXCITING! Be EXCITED!!! You’ve been planning this and trying to manifest it for so long and now it’s finally happening.

And like every trip you’ve ever been on, it’s going to change you, somehow, some way. It’s going to make you think, make you feel, give you experiences you’ve never had before, because that’s what travel is and that’s what it does to the people who are passionate for it, just like you are – it doesn’t matter where you go or what you do. Travel changes you, if you allow it to.

It’s going to be great. I’ve never travelled with anyone from my previous relationships; this will be the first time I travel properly with a significant other. I’m excited!!! And I know Adrian’s just as adventurous and go with the flow as I am, so I know it’s going to be amazing. Not to mention, 4 whole nights of getting to fall asleep beside him!?!?! That’s the longest we’ll have had with each other since we’ve began dating and I CANNOT WAIT!

I think that’s about it for today! It feels good to kind of tackle what goes on in my head on loop, because I bring it to the forefront and iron it all out. And I’m doing it for me.

Anything else I want to be honest about?

Oh yeah! I never really talked about what happened this past week with the whole dinner thing. This one’s going to be a tough one to write about whilst staying completely honest and vulnerable, but I promised I would challenge myself, so… here goes.

Okay so a little background (for myself so this makes sense) Sofia invited me to her birthday a while back, which was a nice gesture. I even arranged my work shift accordingly so that I could attend. When I look back now, yeah I suppose I wasn’t super enthusiastic because I knew who was going, but I figured it was fine since Leila and Krystal would be there. Plus, I’d even been doing some thinking about it and realized that I’m actually in a good place with that person I wasn’t looking forward to seeing now – like, no hard feelings. It is what it is and I’m actually glad things happened that way. (This was their joint birthday – which I found out later because I wasn’t in the group invite, which is actually making sense now). I also figured that we’re all adults in our mid-twenties and could handle a night of being polite with one another, too.

Welp, I was wrong – that person told Sofia that she felt uncomfortable with the fact that I was invited, so Sofia “supposedly” messaged me on Instagram to let me know that she was really sorry but she didn’t think it would be a good idea if I attended after all. Funny thing is, I never got that DM. In fact, I only knew anything about this because Sofia had told Leila and Leila told me.

In all honesty, I did laugh when Leila told me because it’s just all so high school man. Actually, high school wasn’t even as bad as this!!! Le sigh. Petty stuff.

I also just recently found out that yet another person I don’t really like is going to be there too and holy shit, I couldn’t help but think “damn, the Universe really does have my back”. As far as we’ve come and as much as I’ve let it all go, that would have been SUCH AN UNCOMFORTABLE EVENING. And why would I even consider putting myself through that when I don’t hang out with 90% of those people anymore? They’re no longer even remotely a part of my life – and not in a bad, resentful kind of way but in the kind of way where we’ve outgrown each other and THAT’S OKAY!! I’m okay with that!! I have incredible amazing people in my life, quality relationships with people who genuinely care about me, people I actually connect with.

It was just another sign to me that I really do need to reconnect better with my intuition, but I think I’m getting there and it feels good. No more of that. I’m not sacrificing my energy and my time out of “courtesy” or “compromise” anymore, unless it’s a matter of someone I genuinely care about and have an established relationship with.

Honestly though, between me and me – how did it make me feel? And be honest, me.

Least of my worries, and that’s the honest truth. I had a full on existential crisis, I’m dealing with financial issues, but leaving all the morbidity aside – I’m fucking travelling to New Orleans next weekend with my incredible boyfriend, I have everything I could possibly need, I have friendships I wouldn’t trade for the world, a wonderful job working for people who appreciate and reward what I do, so life is GOOD. I’m BLESSED. I don’t need people in my life who don’t want me there. In fact, when Leila told me, I genuinely felt relief. Because it meant that I wouldn’t have to put myself through an uncomfortable evening for the sake of being “nice”. And I’ve already learnt that lesson before – compromising my wants and needs for the sake of putting other people first (namely people who don’t give a rat’s poop about me) is not self-love.

And that’s that. But, when all’s said and done, I really do wish each and every one of them well. I have no idea what’s going on in any of their lives so I have no position to judge or assume anything. Heck, if I were that person, I probably wouldn’t want me at my birthday either after the last conversation we had. It would just be super uncomfortable, especially with the added pressure to appear polite and civil. I would have appreciated if Sofia had some respect and decency to actually message me and tell me herself, but knowing her, that’s a high expectation and we don’t know each other well enough for her to be honest with me. Luckily though, I have Leila, who’s always unfailingly honest.

So, thank you, but… next! (in the nicest way possible).

And universe – thank you, for always having my best interests at heart. I hope I can learn how to do that for myself too, unfailingly and consistently. I know I can, I already have, and I will continue to. And thank you, for sending me incredibly amazing people who also have my back.

Anyways! That’s all about that.

Anything else I want to talk about with me?

Nadamente, I believe. I’m excited to see Adrian’s face tomorrow. I just wanna kiss him endlessly. I still can’t believe how lucky I am sometimes. I was reading through my old logs of when we first started seeing each other and I just… I don’t know man. What do you do when you get everything you’ve ever wanted?

You stay thankful. Grateful. Keep counting those blessings and keep manifesting whatever else you want for you. That’s what you do.

True that! Okay me, I think we’re good for today. Yes I believe so too.

Until tomorrow then! If not, then day after that or whenever, LOL.

I love me, I love me, I love me. I am wonderful.

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 37 – February 6th, 2019

Alright I’m back! Classes actually got cancelled today (good thing I went with my gut and stayed home) and the BPI dinner has been cancelled as well so I’m having an impromptu day at home. However, (and I am saying all of this for myself, I am narrating my day for myself, I have to keep reminding myself of this), I’m planning on being productive and I have the slides up from today’s lecture so that I can make my own notes because I haven’t missed a single lecture from this class yet.

So after this, I’m going to take my notes and add some productivity to this day. But before I do that, I’m going back to the discussion I was about to engage in in yesterday’s log.

Alright. Time to focus, time to talk to yourself, and listen. No distractions, no getting up. And once you’re done this, then you can go make yourself a Belgian waffle and eat it with ice cream or maple syrup or whatever the hell else you’d want to eat it with. Okay? Okay.

Before we begin, a few things I’d like to make note of. One –keep it simple. No overcomplicating things unless necessary, unless you’re trying to get at something. Two – stay honest. Stay present. Stay right here, with you, with no other filters other than just trying to find answers within yourself, for yourself. Three – once this is done, we leave it be.

Okay. I’m ready.

So Adrian messaged again today asking me how he wants me to go about the whole double-sided note thing. Does he want me to have him message me first BEFORE reading, or does he want me to have him read it and then message me?

AND I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE I’M SUDDENLY SECOND GUESSING THE WHOLE THING.

I just didn’t think it would happen so soon? I’m not sure what I was planning exactly per se. I mean, I had the plan – he would read the double sided note, the note that holds the moment I knew I was going to fall in love with him without a single doubt in my mind. But… now what?

Have I? Am I in love? What is love? How do I define it? What does it mean to me?

Once before, Adrian said that those three words are too often said and too easily offered, and that the way you truly know you love someone is through action, the things they do and the ways they show you. And like, I agree with him. Those words are too easily said, and not often meant. That’s why it’s so important to me that if I do say them, I mean them, with every fibre of my being.

So what is love to me? Love is… love is knowing all the “bad parts” of a person (their self-perceived flaws or quirks or weirdnesses) that makes them who they are, but still loving them despite those things because you know you couldn’t have the good (and like, it’s the kind of good you’ve always wanted) without some bad. There’s ying and there’s yang. There’s balance. It’s loving an imperfect person perfectly, to quote some cheesy phrase I’m sure I’ve read or heard somewhere. Love to me is… connecting. And like, really connecting, through vulnerability. It’s feeling safe enough to lower the walls you didn’t even know you had up. It’s being so completely honest that you learn things about yourself you never even knew.

Love is empathy – it’s being able to see that person for who and what they are rather than looking at this person through the lens of your own experiences and expectations. It’s not “what can this person do for me/what should they be doing for me?” but “what can we do for each other? How do we grow together?” because you know that that’s what matters most, when being with them.

Love to me is passion. Real passion, endless passion. It’s not a fire that consumes you whole that leaves you with cold ashes or a “honeymoon phase” that eventually ends. It’s a slow-burning warmth that you can feel right down to the tips of your fingers and toes constantly because you’re both doing your part to stoke that flame and keep it burning. It’s the affection that comes about as a result of that fire, because you can’t go more than a couple moments without feeling the heat of their body against your fingertips, even if it is just a mere matter of holding their hand.

Love is laughter. Humour that never loses its colour to the point that you can look back months from then to recall those moments and still laugh because it’s just as funny now as it was then. It’s the smile that you get that never really quite disappears because it lives on in your eyes and fine lines of your face.

And I know they say that eventually, the butterflies fade away and you eventually settle into your relationship with this person. But that’s not what love is to me. Maybe I’m just that much of a diehard romantic, but to me – love is nothing BUT butterflies. It’s being excited to see them each and every time you do, no matter how many times you already have. It’s feeling happy and nervous and anxious but excited all at the same time when their knee brushes against yours by accident, even if you’ve been together for years. I don’t believe that that feeling has to go away. Maybe that’s just something we tell ourselves because eventually our brains get used to the neurochemical cocktail we produce every time we see the person we’re attracted to. Biologically speaking, if you have enough of any drug on a consistent basis, you eventually develop a tolerance to it right? Well to me, love doesn’t fall in line with that logic. But maybe that’s just me.

And maybe love isn’t something you always know all the time. We’re human, life challenges and tests us and changes us, always. So maybe love is something that also has to change and shift as we grow, too. Maybe love isn’t always a steady straight line, but something that follows along the up’s and down’s we experience as we live. The point is, real love doesn’t break. No matter what we may endure, personally or together. Real love endures all of that too. It’s not always beautiful and easy. But that in itself is okay, because it’s love.

So… that’s what love is to me. With all that being said, am I in love?

I can see so much of what I’ve written reflected in my relationship with Adrian. He’s my warmth, my laughter. I can see what I feel reflected in his eyes back at me when he looks at me. I have definitely grown to love our little home (our relationship) and all the work we’ve put into building it. It’s cozy, safe, and more than I could have ever imagined having.

But there’s still things about me that I want him to know. Without realizing it yet being slightly aware of it, I’ve been painting this perfect picture of myself by leaving out certain things that I may not have wanted him to know right off the bat. Like how I’m really bad with money (but I’m working on it!!!). Or how I’m actually quite a messy person, despite constantly asking him if I can help clean up or organizing his bedroom before I leave. I do genuinely enjoy doing those things for him, but when I’m at home I don’t care much about all the clothes piled up at the edge of my bed, it doesn’t bother me. How sometimes I get so caught up in the things I read that I try to live by them to the point that I end up having existential crises (that are much needed and appreciated inevitably, LOL). I’m not perfect, I really am so far from it, but I’m happy with me. I love who I am despite those things, and I hope that he can love me for all of me too. But he won’t be able to unless I actually give him a chance to get to know me, really.

And I wonder if it’s the same for him. Do I know all of him? Is he really letting me see him for who he is, or is he worried about letting me see the whole picture too? That night when he had his panic attack, he apologized the next day for acting “out of character”. But he was being human, he was being himself, and I was so happy to be able to see that part of him. Vulnerability is allowing others to see the whole picture of who you are – not just the parts you want to show.

I can’t force that vulnerability. It has to happen naturally, with time. I know I love him. I’ve grown to love everything I know about him, good and “bad” included (those words being subjective). And I know that you never quite stop learning about someone when you’re with them (which explains why you should never stop falling in love with that person because they won’t be the same person they are today a year from now). But until I feel like he knows me, all of me, and until I feel like I know all of him… until then, for now I will hold off on saying those words. They shouldn’t be planned, forced, or controlled. I’ll know when I know. I say it in my head all the time whenever we’re together because there’s so many things he does where I just automatically think, “god, I love you. I love this guy.”

But… I will not utter those words until I can feel it with every part of my soul, heart, mind, body and spirit to the point that I can it out loud with no holds barred, no hesitation. Because he deserves that. He deserves that kind of love, the love I described. And I care about him so, so, so much and I want him to have that. I want him to feel loved completely for everything he is, and I know that I can and I will.

He doesn’t deserve a half-hearted love, a surface love, a love that looks full from the outside but that’s hollow within. And the fact that I know this and want to abide by this means that I do love him. And so it will grow and become what it is meant to, in time.

And there’s my decision. When he reads that double-sided paper and tells me he has, I’m going to tell him that the reason I asked him to tell me when he read it was because I wanted him to know how beautifully significant that moment was to me. That his vulnerability with me on that golden summer day is the reason I knew without a doubt that this was right, and this was real.

I want to tell him all of this in person. So maybe I’ll ask him to let me know when he reads it, but that I have some stuff I wanted to say to him about it, in person (and I hope that doesn’t make him nervous because I know he spooks easily, LOL).

Holy shit the difference that writing honestly makes. I feel like my writing has regained a lot of lost quality and genuineness by just shifting to the mentality of only writing for myself. I think I’ll give myself a week of this, a week of being able to retrain myself to write honestly and authentically before I begin posting online again. I just needed there to be a point to all of this again, because I was becoming so disillusioned by it. But it feels good to reconnect with myself. To be honest, and unfiltered.

Well, that’s about it! I am now starving, so I’m going to reply to Adrian’s texts and get started on that Belgian waffle, mmmmm.

I’ll write tomorrow, although I doubt it’ll be anything of substance since I have work from 11-4 and school right after. We’ll see what I can do. If there’s anything I need to talk about though, I promise me that I WILL carve out the time for it, no matter what.

I LOVE YOU ME. IT’S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK GOD I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

Awwww. I MISSED YOU TOO, ME.

Okay that’s all!

Love, love, love, love, love,

Me.

(A quick message for anyone who does happen to read these logs I post – I will be taking that brief hiatus from posting my logs online. At least a week, or however long it takes me to remove that weird filter that has developed in my writing. Until I can get back to writing 100% authentically and honestly. I said myself “vulnerability is allowing others to see the whole picture of who you are – not just the parts you want to show.” Well, my writing has to be my vulnerability. I have to challenge myself to feel uncomfortable – if posting my logs online doesn’t make me the least bit nervous, it means I’m not being true to me or completely honest, so I’ll be going by that gauge. I’ll be back! I love you, love yourself, thank you for reading – it means the world to me. Love, me.)

Day 36 – February 5th, 2019

Writing honestly, writing without that filter, writing without those weird goggles I put on when I’m writing directly online. Okay. Typing. Words. Coming out of my brain. Um.

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I can feel this weird filmy thing covering my brain, it’s almost physically tangible, the weird perspective I’m writing from like-

Why am I even typing any of this? Like what does any of that even matter? Who am I narrating for?

Okay. Back at it.

What am I writing about honestly today? What’s on my mind?

Last night after I typed that log, I had a nice long talk with Olivia and basically reiterated everything I realized. I cried, and got out all the emotions I’d been suppressing that were creating that muddled feeling on the inside. I woke up with a lot more clarity and calm today.

I actually had a really productive day today! I did my laser appointment with Sola, went straight to school to deal with the number one reason for my recent stress (my OSAP money) and even though I had to go home to get something for it, I did it and went straight back to school either way and took all the necessary steps I had to take in order to get things done. So, there’s that. Now it’s just a matter of waiting for it to come, but at least I know now for sure that it should.

Anyways – I feel a lot better. A lot more clear-headed. I’m still a little apprehensive; probably because of how surprising it was for me to find that I ended up in this position despite everything I’d felt I’d learnt. But it’s good. It’s humbling.

Actually who am I kidding – it freaked me the fuck out, let’s be honest here. But I mean, as scary as it was, ultimately I am happy I went through it. It reminded me that I can’t just check stuff off on my imaginary list and leave things be and keep moving forward seeking more and more.

It also reminded me to love myself more, to be myself, to embrace myself and be within and at ease with myself once more, which was such a relief. I feel like I took a lot of pressure off of myself by writing that log last night.

I went to the crystal store today and treated myself to some gems. I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for, so I just browsed around for as long as I liked to see what resonated with me.

I picked this beautiful, glimmering, deep blue pendant that’s called “Blue Goldstone”, and a block of this raw unpolished smoky blue stone called “Blue Calcite”. Not too sure why I’m suddenly so attracted to the blue hues, but blue is the colour of the throat chakra (the chakra of communication) so I suppose it’s fitting that those are the ones that appealed to me, now that I’m trying to practice being as openly honest as possible with myself and everyone around me.

Anyways, once I left the store, I started looking up the stone meanings and man. It was so heart-warming and affirming to find and feel that somewhere, somehow, I’m still in tune with myself.

This is what I read about Blue Goldstone that quite literally made me tear up: “Goldstone is a gemstone that was made during medieval times. At the time, a monk was making glass. And he poured copper chips into the glass by accident He thought it was a big failure, but a very beautiful glass was made. This technique has been carried on for hundreds of years until now. From this story, it is known as a gemstone that can change failure to success or a gemstone that can create new value.

Blue Goldstone has a meaning and effect of giving positive energy to its owner. The sparkle inside can bring out your positive power. It is a gemstone that can change your thoughts positively. You would be able to have a support to achieve your dreams or goals. It gives its owner courage and self-confidence. Please use it to open up a bright future.”

I’m so happy that this is the stone that resonated with me (or perhaps it chose me?).

The Blue Calcite is good for meditation, for calming the emotions and releasing stress.

I really do think I was leaning towards the blue because I also need to open my throat chakra more and be able to express myself more openly and honestly.

Something I did want to talk about with myself – Adrian messaged and told me he’s close to reading the double sided note I wrote for him in the jar full of sweet notes I’d made for him over Christmas. I told him that I wanted him to tell me when he read that particular message because I had this whole elaborate plan in my head to tell him my true feelings (aka the three big words) once he did.

I’m not so sure now though. Could it be fear?

Well, this is a discussion I’m going to have to have with myself tomorrow, because it’s super late and I woke up at 6:30 am today and I know how important sleep is. So, tomorrow it is.

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 35 – February 4th, 2019 (the real log)

It’s been a really long time since I wrote something that wasn’t for anyone’s eyes but my own. I hadn’t really realized, but after having writing directly on my online log for the past couple months, I started writing with an audience in mind (knowing that people I know read my logs, therefore can check in on me through reading them – my own fault, my own fallacy).

It’s so hard to even write this without wondering if I’m going to post this online and whether or not I should filter or censor myself. But from what? For whom? And why?

These logs are supposed to be my safe space. My place for connecting with myself so I always have a good idea about what’s going on with me, and why.

I’m just going to type whatever comes into my head, which I haven’t done for a while.

Okay.

Well.

I don’t really know what’s going on with me. I get into these moods, these “lows” where I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. Listless, restless, bored. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I can’t even sit with myself without distracting myself somehow, like being on my phone or watching a show, or listening to music even. I have to constantly be stimulated in some way, or else I start to get anxious or listless again. Something always needs to be consuming my attention.

But I’m not doing things that feel like, “productive” or beneficial. I keep thinking back to last year, and the year before, and how everything just felt like it fell into place and just clicked. I feel like I was so in tune with myself and so sure of everything I was learning and everything I knew. I’m not sure what changed from then until now, but I want to know. I know that progress is a series of roving hills and it’s not always easy or a steady incline upwards. But in a weird way, for some reason I feel like I need to get back on track.

So my brain goes, “what am I doing wrong?” and it shouldn’t be that question. I don’t even know what the question should be. Where do I start?

Where did I start when I first began?

Well, I started talking to people. I started talking to Sera, Nadia, strangers. But now, I don’t trust anyone enough to talk to. I don’t even know what to say to anyone because I barely understand or know how I’m feeling myself.

I feel like I’m feeling like this because I’m straying further from my purpose, whatever that purpose may be. I feel like I kind of knew it, I was in tune with myself, my needs, my inner voice, my intuition, and all of a sudden I slowly started to veer off track.

Like, I’m suddenly questioning everything a lot more. My faith in everything I knew seemed so unshakeable before, and now it’s like I’m uncertain.

I don’t know if it’s because I take everything I read literally – like I just finished “The Rebel Buddha” and it told me to question anything that seemed like blind faith, and that makes sense. I don’t think it’s good to go too long without questioning why you believe in the things you believe in, because YOU change and your truth changes along with it, right.

Just keep being honest, don’t think.

Okay well, I haven’t been feeling this low consistently. It’s not like I wake up every day feeling listless. Sometimes I “forget” or it feels like I forget and I have good days again where my mind is occupied and I’m doing things. Maybe that’s why I’ve been trying to keep myself busy by doing anything and everything regardless of whether it’s beneficial to me or not?

I also feel like I’ve been monitoring myself so much, trying to watch myself, that I’ve almost created a complete dualistic sense of self. Like there’s a “me” who’s typing this, and there’s a “me” who is watching me type and think and feel all these things, but it’s also aware of the pretty bad heart burn I have going on right now.

Alright, let’s figure this out. What’s up? What’s going on? What’s on your mind, what’s bothering you? Just, let it all out.

I don’t know what to believe in. Do I try to kill my ego self and be detached from the idea of “self”? How do I do that if that’s even what I wanted to do? Will that really bring me peace? Or do I try to keep manifesting everything I want for myself and my life through the Law of Attraction and keep being positive and keep trying to reinforce positive feelings and gratitude and visualizing what I want for myself when I barely even know what that is to begin with?

What’s right? What’s wrong? Why am I even asking that if everything is one and I am a part of this one? Why do we have such an urgency to classify all our experiences, thoughts and emotions as either good or bad or right or wrong in the first place?

What path do I want to follow and apply to my life? What feels best for me? I’ve read so many books and they’ve all resonated so much with me and each has had something important to teach me.

All of these things are external things though right? Outside of myself? Aren’t I supposed to be looking inwards?

Do I keep things simple? Or do I not keep things at all? I don’t even know what I’m asking or why I’m asking things at all anymore.

Have faith and trust the process. I have those two phrases tattooed on my body because I believed in them so much I wanted them to be a part of me forever. Let go, “it is written”. All these lessons. I’ve forgotten how to listen to myself.

Okay, well… then I’m listening now. What do you want to say?

I think I’m having an existential crisis, LMFAO. That and a crisis of faith.

Man, that book really did a number on my head. But I guess that’s good though, because it made me think after all.

I guess a lot of these questions are stemming from fear. Fear that I’m blindly believing in what I believe in, wondering why I believe in it. But you know what? You want to know why I believe in what I believe in?

Because I’ve seen what I believe in with my own eyes. I’ve literally witnessed moments where I “let go”, “trust the process”, “have faith”, and then things just end up working out just fine in the end, and the gratitude comes naturally. I make a point of acknowledging it. I’ve fought so hard to have this faith because I’ve never really had it before. I’ve always lived my life in fear that something bad was going to happen. And it usually ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy as a result.

I’ve seen it all. I’ve lived it all. I’ve seen how stepping back from my every day narrative allows me the clarity to handle the situations I come across in my life. I’ve acted on my intuition and ended up in situations I never dreamed possible before, in the best of ways. I’ve used the Law of Attraction and visualization and things have quite literally happened or appeared in my life exactly the way I’d imagined.

I had faith and my faith gave me a reason to believe.

I don’t want things to be complicated. I know it’s important to question yourself, question what you know, question what you believe in and keep questioning so that you never stop learning. But I don’t want to question myself from a place of doubt or fear. That’s not what the questioning is for. It’s for keeping and maintaining that clarity, it’s for clearing away any clutter I may have gathered along with everything I’ve learnt in the past two years.

It shouldn’t be a fearful or doubtful “if I don’t know what I know, then what DO I know?” it should be an optimistic and hopeful “if I know what I know, what more can I learn? And how can I add to it, change it, learn more about it, and reinforce it IF it serves me/my higher purpose?”

The questions I SHOULD BE ASKING: am I being my most authentic self? Am I being true to my deepest essence, that essence being my conscious awareness? Am I working to better myself and the world around me in the things I do and say? Am I doing what I’m doing with the best of my intentions and effort, or am I half-assing things in an auto-pilot mode because it’s so easy to fall back into that state of mind?

I’ve spent a portion of my life on autopilot. I don’t ever want to do that to myself again.

What do you want?

I want to stop living in fear. Questioning everything I do and why I do it, or the things I say. I want to stop constantly psycho-analyzing myself in a critical and judgemental way. I’m watching myself but I’m not watching myself objectively or even compassionately and that’s a lot of pressure to put on myself.

I want to be more responsible. I want to stop living in this make-believe fantasy land of denial where my actions will never have repercussions or catch up to me.

But in that same vein, I don’t want to worry about things all the time either. I don’t ever want to get to the point where I watch myself so avidly or strictly that I no longer allow myself to enjoy life or live it the way I want to.

And how do I want to live my life? What do I want from my life?

If I can spend my life helping others someway, or somehow, while still being able to do the things that make me the most happy and fulfilled (which is travelling, adventuring, learning, exploring) then my life would be perfectly content. I would be perfectly content with just that.

But I know I can’t just sit here and hope that’ll happen without doing anything to try. That’s why I’m still pursuing this degree. On the chance that perhaps I can actually use it to help others. Not just to make my mom happy, even if that is a big part of it. Even if a part of it is also proving to me that I can do it.

I’m not present. I’m still constantly projecting myself into a future that doesn’t exist yet, concerning myself with possibilities that won’t necessarily come to fruition and therefore tainting the beauty of my present moments.

I guess it just feels like there’s so much to be aware of, and it gets a little overwhelming sometimes. I’m trying to exert some more discipline in specific areas of my life and that’s challenging to me because I’m unfamiliar with the idea of discipline.

I want to help myself, I really do. I want to believe in myself, have faith in my life, and stop doing things to myself that causes me stress because it’s so unnecessary. If I could just have that little voice in my head, a voice of reason that says, “hey, let’s think about this logically – not because I’m trying to stop you from living your life but because I want to help you to live it better”, that would be amazing.

I’ve always said that my impulsivity is a huge part of who I am, but maybe it’s time to temper that aspect down a little in some areas of my life. I think I need some boundaries. And again, it’s not in punishment or in an attempt to control or limit myself. It’s time to start investing in myself and doing better for me, because I care about me. Not because I’m concerned with a future or what it may hold (although that is a concern) but because the things I do cause me stress. I stress myself out. It’s not good.

And another thing. I’m so focused on forcing myself to feel positive and good all the time that it’s starting to have the opposite effect. How do I go about that realistically?

Maybe I should stop taking things so seriously – and then the voice in my head goes, but you don’t take things seriously enough.

I think what I’m looking for is balance. The middle way, my middle way, whatever that may entail.

My idealistic life looks like this: I work out. I have time to read. I maintain healthy relationships with the people in my life with healthy boundaries that still protect my energies whilst still being able to put in effort effectively and meaningfully. I’m passionate about school, about the things I learn, about how I can apply them to life. I’m focused when I need to be focused, and when I know I need to do something, I don’t have any feelings of negativity or ill-will about them. And if I ever do, I can set those feelings aside because I know I have to do what I have to do for my greater good because I care about myself enough to. I work hard, I work enough, and the money that comes in – a part of it goes to a savings account for my personal interests such as travel or good food, and a part of it goes towards being able to live realistically (phone bills, but little things here and there that I want/need). I never have to ever worry about money because I always have enough and there’s always more coming if it goes. I meditate, and like, really meditate to the point that all I know is inner peace. I’m so in tune with myself that I’m never ever indecisive because I have complete faith in every decision I make and I’m perfectly okay with whatever outcome may occur as a result of the decisions I make. I do yoga. I have a dog. I travel the world. I write my book, I help millions of people across the globe come to terms with their self and the idea of self-love, self-compassion, self-awareness.

I’m happy. Content. At ease.

That’s my dream life. That’s the life I’m afraid to dream but the life that I want the most.

Why am I so afraid to dream these things? Why can’t I have the life I want for myself? What am I so afraid of? The things I’ve written here aren’t unrealistic or impossible.

None of this can happen unless I actually believe that it can though. I have to truly believe that it can be my reality and then work towards it, tirelessly. The Universe can’t conspire with me if I can’t even conspire with myself, after all. How can it help me if I can’t help myself? If I don’t believe in myself?

If people around me can attain their dream life, achieve their personal dream, work towards manifesting their deepest and most meaningful desires, there’s absolutely no reason why I can’t do the same for myself. No “buts”, no “if”, no “maybe”.

Do you genuinely believe that you can have this life? That you can make your “idealistic” dream a reality?

You’re young. You’re only 26. You’re counting down “time” on a timeline that doesn’t even really exist, not truly.

Do you believe that you deserve it?

Do you. Believe. You deserve it?

I want to type yes. I know I should. I’m scared that I don’t. But why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t I deserve to make my dream life come true, and be my happiest most authentic self?

I don’t know everything. I’m okay with this. If there’s any part of me that believes I don’t deserve to be happy or to live a life I could only dream about, it has to go.

Once upon a time, I believed that I’d never find a guy like Adrian. Affectionate, caring, wonderful, adventurous, funny, someone who truly appreciated me and everything I had to offer. But two years ago, I shifted that way of thinking and began to believe and understand and KNOW that that’s exactly what I deserved. That I could have that. And I got it. I found him.

Why can’t the same go for the way I want to live my life? What about me or the way I live makes me deserve that any less?

I’ve always kind of just gone with the flow and the flow has been great, it really has been. But I think it’s about time to add some direction into my life. It’s time for some goals. It’s time for discipline, mindfulness, compassion and self-awareness.

Anything that doesn’t fall in line with this – doubt, fear, the thought that I deserve less, the idea of “impossible” or “unrealistic” – it’s all got to go.

I need motivation. Ambition. Confidence. Compassion. Discipline. And above all?

LOVE.

When’s the last time I told me I loved me? When’s the last time I did anything out of love for myself, rather than obligation or autopilot? What have I been doing to feed my self-love? It’s almost as though at some point in this journey, I was like, “okay, I love myself. Thank you, next” and I just left it at that, like a checked off box on some list. But it’s not like that.

I think I got really worried that my identity, my “ego-self”, would become so firmly rooted in everything I believe myself to be that I created a duality of doubt and judgement. But in this, all the self-love I spent so much time carefully curating, developing, nurturing, and growing, went straight out the window along with my idea of “self”. In trying to kill the idea of “me”, I also let in a whole bunch of old fears, patterns of thinking, and doubts.

I don’t want to live a life where I only see others through myself. That was my main goal in trying to eradicate my sense of “me”. I got so caught up in being the complete opposite of “self-involved” that I started neglecting myself, my wants, and my needs entirely. I lost track of what I was searching for what or why I began this journey in the first place.

I just want to do everything I do with the best of intentions. When I watch myself, it’s not because I want to carefully monitor everything I think, say or feel. It’s because I want to make sure that I’m being as authentic as I can be to what makes me, me.

And you know what else I realized? I don’t need to be an ascetic and sacrifice my entire identity to be “selfless”. I was missing the entire point of what my book has been trying to tell me because I got so caught up in the little details.

Buddha renounced all worldly pleasures, even food and clothing to the brink of starvation and death, in an attempt to reach enlightenment. And that’s when he realized that such extremes are suffering in itself. The only way is the middle way. To just, be. To live compassionately. To do your best. To learn all you can and then teach what you learn. To treat others as you’d expect and hope to be treated.

I don’t want to kill my “self”. I want to be the best me I can be, not just for me (but yes, also for me), but for others too.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

Just because I don’t want to completely dissociate myself from what makes me who I am or what I think makes me who I am does not make me a self-absorbed, unaware person.

I’M HUMAN!!!! I WANT A HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND EVERYTHING THAT ENTAILS. I’m not on this earth to reach Nirvana or enlightenment, that’s not my purpose. It was Buddha’s purpose, but it doesn’t have to be mine. That was his way of being at peace.

What I listed up there? ^ That’s my peace. That’s what I imagine my peace to be. Doing the things I love, with the people I love, for my love of my life. And love does not equate to attachment. That’s what I was afraid of too. That if I cared about anything enough, that I was doing so out of attachment, and attachment is bad. And that in itself is an extreme way of thinking too.

It literally feels like I unravelled some weird ass knot in my chest. Holy shit.

I’m still a little scared. Scared that I can see all of this for what it is and that I’ll still fall back into old habits. But I know exactly where that’ll lead me, because I’ve been there before. I spent six years of my life there, in autopilot mode.

My awareness to me, is doing the best I can for myself. And doing the best I can for myself entails: having faith, letting go, trusting the process, being compassionate, being honest, being fearless, and being in tune with myself. Loving myself. Having a “self”. Living life with a little bit of everything I’ve ever learnt because in the end, it really is the same message in so many different ways. Understanding that there is no one “right way”, only the way itself.

Hello, me. It’s good to see you again. I’m so sorry that I tried to escape you, that I believed you were anything other than me, to put you aside from me and berate you. I’m sorry I didn’t have patience for you, that I believed I was better than you or that I didn’t need you. We’re going to do better, together. You want that life? We’ll have it. But we have to make it happen as a team. No you vs me.

I know very well I have every capacity to be the “watcher” and that this voice in my head, the one that I’m hearing, is me and not me at the same time. But I don’t ever want to become that dualistic-minded again. That exercise was not in an attempt to create a divide, but to create an objective awareness that will allow me to do better for myself, to react better, to think and feel more efficiently. And all of that stems from self-love.

I have to come back to this log. I have to remind myself. I have to do better. Things have to change. I have to change. I need to do differently. I will not, EVER, EVER, EVER go back to autopilot mode. EVER. I will not become a drifter again.

It was a refreshing change to be honest with myself for once. Even now, I’m still trying to stop myself from writing from the perspective of “how will this be perceived” rather than “am I being honest and true to myself in my writing”. My writing has always been FOR ME, first and foremost. I have to re-train myself to get back to that mentality. I think I’m going to stop posting my logs online until I do.

Okay. I have things I have to do. And I really should get some sleep. But that’s it, no more listless, restless feelings. No more “muddled”. I want to be my friend again. I don’t want me to be a stranger to myself. That’s not going to help me or anyone else.

Off to bed now!

Love. Love always. And mean it.

Me.