Day 60, 61, 62 – February 29th, March 1st + 2nd, 2020

Happy New Month! March already feels light and more hopeful than these past two months have felt. 

I kept running out of time for my last two logs unfortunately, and I’ll probably do the same for this one as well, but I can’t let these many days go by without writing. It’s important that I do this, even if it’s a little log, in order to keep reinforcing the urge to write as a habit. 

I’m going to have tomorrow off by a stroke of fate and thanks to the Universe, and I have the whole day to myself. I’m excited, because I’ll actually have a proper chance to write and get some other things done. I’ll be up early too because I’m spending tonight with Adrian, and then I’ll be heading home early in the morning. I think I’ll make a schedule for the day as soon as I get home so I don’t end up wasting my time throughout the day. I had plenty of time to relax throughout this weekend, so no excuses. 

Anyways, I should probably head back to work now since my shift is actually ending some time soon. 

This month will be a good month. No matter what is happening outside of myself, I respect, appreciate, and have say over what happens within and how I react. 

Amen!

Love always and endlessly, 

Me.

Day 59 – February 28th, 2020

Welp, that last log didn’t get too far, LOL. My work break ended so I had to return to the floor, but also I was distracted by my phone and reading articles on the on-going virus. 

We’ve had a couple infection cases in Toronto now but the numbers don’t seem to be jumping and rising at a worrisome rate, so life is still progressing accordingly. After talking myself down sometime in January about this, the fear and the worry hasn’t returned – in fact, I’ve just been having my family slowly and rationally prepare for things just in case things take a turn for the worse here, but again, devoid of worry. It just is what it is. We’ve been stocking up on non-perishable food, OTC medications, cleaning and antibacterial supplies, the general quarantine necessities you know. (Never in my life did I ever think I’d be typing or uttering the words “quarantine necessities”. Wild stuff.) 

I’m hoping everyone I know and love will stay healthy and safe throughout this possible soon-to-be pandemic. I’m glad that I talked with myself so that I can stay informed without fearing the worst because fear is definitely not going to help in this situation. 

Anyways! Onto more positive things. 

I didn’t get a chance to write that beginning of the week log I was hoping for, and this week itself has become quite busy (hence why I haven’t had much of a chance to sit down and write a log). 

I’m going to be working on my March schedule soon though, and despite putting in some extra hours as I hope to, I’m also going to be making sure that I have at least one full solid day a week to myself to start writing my book and finishing my petition to hand in. It has to be processed throughout April/May so that I can learn by at least June/July if I can re-enrol. I have to do this! No if’s, and’s or but’s. 

Day 54 + 55 – February 23 + 24, 2020

Well hello, hello! I wanted to use this log and this moment of quiet that I had in the house to write a really, really honest log, but… I can’t find my laptop charger and I just spent the last half hour or so just looking for it. I even asked St. Michael for help (my latest book said that he’s the archangel of helping you find things), but no dice. I haven’t been home in like four days so I can’t even retrace my footsteps and remember where I may have seen it last. I know where I usually type my logs at home and I know where I usually have it plugged in, but it’s not in either of those places. 

As a result, my battery’s about to die and I only have 10 minutes remaining before it shuts down. I don’t know why, (and I guess I also do), but instances like these (as well as this past weekend) makes me feel like I’m not in alignment with my higher-self or my innermost-being. I’m a little sad I guess. I know it’s not a progressive climb upwards and I know I’m still miles from where I used to be. There’s an old ghost voice in my head wondering what I’m doing wrong, but I know that this is all a part of my current process now. I just have to be patient I guess. 

I guess more than anything, I miss hearing my inner voice. I miss that feeling of “knowing”, the feeling of certainty that ran beneath my decisions. I still have my faith though, and I still believe. I’m still experiencing my synchronicities, seeing my angel numbers, and I know that I’m being looked after on some level. I know that everything I’m experiencing is for my highest good, however challenging. And really, it’s not like I’m suffering or anything; things aren’t horrible, and generally I’m pretty happy. I could stand to be happier, but that’s in my hands to make that happen and do what needs to be done. 

It starts with me. I’m glad for the opportunity of a new week, to begin afresh, cleanse the energy of this past week off of me and start over. There’s so many things I’d like to discuss man. Like being honest with myself about what I need to be honest about, about my craving for discipline, what I’d like to do differently. But now I’m down to 3%, and I’m also out of time – I have to get ready for work. What I’m hoping is that when I come home, my charger will have manifested somehow and that I can continue this log. If it doesn’t materialize, then I promise to write my logs on my phone if need me. Nothing will stop me from writing!

Okay, off I go. 

Don’t worry, me. Everything is going to be more than okay. You know this, I know this. Lots of deep affirming breaths and focus on the positive, always. 

LOVE YOU! 

Love always, 

Me.

Day 52 – February 21st, 2020

Helloooooo! I’m currently at Adrian’s as I am spending the weekend with him, and I told him to play a little FIFA because I wanted to type out a quick log, hehe. 

So, we’re definitely going to Niagara tomorrow and I’m so excited! I’m so glad that he’s so down for spontaneous shenanigans like me. When I had first asked him, I was a little bit worried because it was super spontaneous and short notice and it’s pretty far away. But he was like, “absolutely yes” and that’s reason number 430598039485039845 that I love him. 

Anyways, I’m super high right now and I’m kind of getting hungry, so I think I’ll keep this short and initiate some eating times hehehehehehe. 

Love always and endlessly, 

Me.

Day 50 + 51 – February 19th & 20th, 2020

Hello, hello! Short quick log because I spent so much time just chilling in bed on my phone, LOL. Or maybe not a short quick log, I’m not super tired so we’ll see what transpires (OHHHH I AM A POETTTT!) 

Things have been swell thus far throughout this mercury retrograde. I have this feeling of momentum building up in me that I know is going to break forth soon. I think I need to get back on my ADHD medication too, honestly. It really does make quite the difference! 

I’m looking forward to March (happy here in this moment too, though!) because I’ll be more mindful about how I comprise my schedule. I want more days dedicated to formulating my book, even if it’s once a week. 

Radha came over today! I love how spontaneous we are and how perfectly things align for us – I had literally just gotten home from work, she happened to facetime me and tell me that the retrograde had her reeling a little bit, so she asked if she could come over and hang out and it worked out perfectly! Funny because earlier this morning when Adrian was dropping me off at the bus stop, he’d asked if I wanted to come over again tonight but my gut told me to say no and agree on Friday instead. Hooray for intuition!! It’s nice to be aligning with it once more. 

It’s hard having consistent faith sometimes and not giving in to my thoughts/emotions of lack or worry. But I keep choosing again, keep reinforcing a positive mindset until it becomes my reality. Faith is work!!!! But it’s only work until it becomes first nature. 

Crazy coincidence today – so Gilska messaged me saying she needed some advice about something that she could only talk to me about, and asked me to give her a call when I had a chance. As soon as I got home, I called her and asked her what was going on. 

She explained to me that lately, she’d been having dreams about her ex-guy (whom she never really actually ended up in a relationship with) and that those dreams were so vivid that they were bringing up old feelings of passion that was making her scared and self-guess how great things are currently going for her in her waking life. 

She saw something about him on instagram (he started dating someone even after claiming he wasn’t ready for committment), and she had a “meh” reaction in her conscious reality/waking life, but proceeded to start dreaming up strange and out of place scenarios starring this dude. 

Talking to her made me realize certain things. Like how our dreams are our brain’s way of dealing with things or coming up with solutions to situations that our waking life/conscious selves may not have had the chance to do. That we’re a summation of our past experiences and our existence is comprised of all these latent memories and feelings that we no longer entertain in the present, but they’re all there, stored away in our computer like minds, and these things can get pulled up easily by the mechanics of our subconscious.

She acknowledged how incredibly happy she is in her present day life and admitted that there was absolutely nothing lacking in her current relationship. So I explained to her how the difference between that lust-induced passion versus a love-induced contentment is a chemical reaction that we tend to find addictive, in the first stages of seeing someone. That’s why those dreams felt so potent. 

But we can have that same thrill by making sure that being in love is not a passive act – we have to be active in our current love in order to keep that novelty and thrill continuous and consistent. The reason that people think their feelings start to taper off the longer they’re in a relationship is because they stop doing ALL the things they did when they first started dating that person. Therein lies the loss of those feel-good hormones and chemicals. Oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) is great and all, but as novelty-seeking humans, we need that adrenaline rush from time to time too. 

Being in love with someone truly is not a passive act. It takes work, effort, and consistency to fall in love with someone over and over again. It takes CHOICE – you have to CHOOSE to love someone, actively. To keep that flame alive and burning, to keep that passion as passionate as ever. Comfort really can be the enemy of progress sometimes. 

In the end, she felt better having understood what the real reasoning behind the dreams really were. I’m so happy that she thought of me, all the way across the world, for advice on these matters. I’m glad that I can make that kind of impact in someone’s life where they know I can be there for them, unfailingly. 

Her experience also reminded me that I’m so incredibly happy with Adrian. We’re definitely more comfortable with each other now, yes. But we haven’t stopped doing all the things we did when we first started dating. The affection, the flirting, the adventure, the seduction, the passion, the heat. The gestures, the balance between staying in and going out on proper dates. He’s still courting me, and we still make an active effort to continuously get to know each other and learn more about one another. 

We know what it takes to make this work and we’re both doing our part. There’s a reciprocity that I’ve never quite experienced before, but it’s exactly what I’ve always needed and wanted. 

How nice is it, that my waking life is better than my dreams? I’m thankful that my reality is more than anything I could have ever imagined for myself. 

Anyways, this turned out to be a little longer than I thought but I’m glad. It’s nice to write honestly to myself. I’m doing this thing where I’ll only post my logs at the end of the month, and I’m posting filtered content. I want to treat these logs here, like my diary. A place where I’m comfortable to say absolutely anything and everything I want.

Okay, time for bed! I think Adrian and I are going to Niagara this weekend. In fact, we are! I’m manifesting this. I want to have fun and live life fearlessly and take advantage of all the opportunities I’m given. We’ve been inside for much too long, (minus our wonderful trip, paint night, etc) and it’s time for more adventure things. Winter will not stop us or hold us back! HUZZUHHH!! 

I probably won’t get a chance to write this weekend, but I’ll bring BB Laptop with me just in case I do find a quick moment. Until then! 

Love always and effortlessly, 

Me.

Day 47, 48, 49 – February 16th to 18th, 2020

Hello! It’s been an absolutely amazing long weekend, and I’m happy to report that I’m feeling refreshed, centered, and quite at peace. I have this drive to start making things happen, which I know means that I have to get back on top of my writing, and also my gratitude journal as well. Those have to be everyday habits – it’s what my soul is asking for now. Hooray for forming proper habits! 

I have so much I want to talk about!!! I definitely want to catch up about this past weekend because it was absolutely incredible. And then I want to do a good self catch-up because it’s been awhile. Okay, go!

Alright, so this past weekend – my test run of the “opium den” was a success! (*disclaimer* not actually an opium den, just what I’ve nick-named it hehe). So I had turned my den/dining room into a lounge area by hanging table cloths as curtains at the doorway and window-like opening in the kitchen so that it was completely secluded and closed off, laid a straw mat on the floor along with plush pillows for everyone to sit on, and turned the corner of the room into a spiritual shrine complete with incense, my himalayan salt lamp, my diffuser, my crystal collection, candles, and my sage. I’m telling ya, the vibes in this little area were amazing. 

Once everyone was over, we caught up with what we’ve missed in each other’s lives, got into discussions about the universe and quantum leaping and astral projection and intuition and so much more, we pulled oracle cards to see what the Universe was trying to tell us, and once we all had our messages, we began to paint while listening to a forest soundtrack overlapped with binaural beats. 

For a moment, I stopped and just felt everyone’s collective vibration as everyone began to paint. It was pure magic. It was harmony, it was the melding of frequencies that truly vibed perfectly together to create an atmosphere of creativity and pure good energy. My heart and soul were so happy, and I felt so elevated in everyone’s presence. That’s what I’ve always wanted. That’s the kind of energy that I need in my life, the flow that feels so incredibly easy and right. 

We painted for hours, laughed together, talked intermittently, just enjoyed the process and enjoyed each other’s company. Eventually once we all finished painting, we started playing jackbox games altogether on the tv until about 2 in the morning before everyone crashed. 

It was soooo much fun. It’s been awhile since I did like a get-together/sleepover at my house (I’ve been hibernating mostly) but it reminded me how fun it can be to share my energy with the right people under the right circumstances. Winter can make it difficult to see the ones you care about, but I found a way and everything clicked into place like an easy-peasy puzzle. 

The Sunday after, Krystal and Chad came back for some lunch and the conversations continued with Radha and I. I’m so glad that the four of us vibe so well together. We all have something different to bring to the table, and we all have differing perspectives that allow us to teach one another, and the most important thing we all share in common is a wonderfully open mind. That’s what I love the most. 

I’m glad I manifested exactly what I hoped for in terms of my friendships thus far. I’m open to whomever else is meant to be a part of my life or our lives as well – our little group on Saturday night consisted of eight people and those eight people (including le me) vibed perfectly. I’m good with this squad, and I’m looking forward to the cottage trips and summer hangouts and everything else we’ll get to do this year altogether!

Speaking of exciting things this year – Chad and Krystal are officially moving in together! Possibly by the end of this year, and if not then definitely the beginning of next. I have a feeling that it’ll definitely be this year, just a gut feeling I have. I’m SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited for them, they’re legit my fave couple ever ever and I wish they had a youtube channel because they’d be the only youtube couple I’d ever watch LOOOOL. 

I also can’t wait to hang out at their place, Krystal has such awesome visions for how they’d like their place to look and I can already see it in my head. And Chad said that he wants the place to be bumpin’, just people coming by all the time and hanging out. It’s going to be awesome! They’re the first of my friends that I know to be moving out and adulting for reals. 

Speaking of moving out – I was telling Adrian about how Chad and Krystal are moving out together, how it’s a three bedroom apartment for a really, really good price, and how I’m so incredibly excited for them. And he did it again, he made a “joke” suggestion that he and I should move out together, move into their spare room and split the rent with them. I jokingly agreed that we totally should and it would be so cool, but in my head I was doing happy dances. First he talked about us moving to Aruba together, and now this! (TBH – it would legit be so effing cool to live with Chad and Krystal. In a dream world, I think we’d be the perfect roomies since we all get along so well together and our double date vibes are amazing. But, this is basically their next step before getting married so I doubt they’d want roomies LOL. Nevertheless, we shall definitely be over quite often once they’re all settled in!) 

But honestly, I shouldn’t be too surprised I suppose. On an average week, I spend about 4-5 nights at his house, even if it’s just for the night and I return home to get ready for work. I sleep at my own home maybe once or twice a week now, since I’m over at his so much. I’ve basically moved in, LOL. He’s even suggested that I keep stuff at his place so I don’t have to worry about carrying too much stuff with me! 

Nevertheless, it all makes me so happy. Happy that we’ve only been seeing each other for almost two years, and we’re both seemingly on the same page when it comes to how we feel about one another and how often we like seeing each other. I definitely think we’d cohabitate well – we’ve already gone on three trips and every single trip has been incredible, and now I’m over at his place so much it’s almost as though we already do live together. I know his habits and I know how to respect them, and in fact I adore how cleanly and organized he likes things (making sure his room is clean and his bed is made before he leaves, etc). I think if we lived together, he’d probably be an amazing influence on me if anything LOL.

All in due time. I know what I want when it comes to this and comes to us, and I’m glad that I’m noticing these little moments that show me he’s seeing a future with me too, however subtle they may be. 

Anyways, moving on! So Sunday was a lazy day, and so was most of Monday, but Adrian and I came back from his place to mine so that we could have dinner with my family for Family Day. It was really nice, I love that our little family of four has expanded to a family of seven now that Ben and Seb are with us and Dasuni too. 

And that’s the weekend! Valentine’s Day Friday, hanging out with my friends Saturday/Sunday, and Family Day dinner on Monday (yesterday). All in all, it was the perfect balance of going out and staying in. 

Not to mention, I was off from work the whole entire weekend so it was almost like a mini-vacay. I’m glad, I love the long stretch of days off from work because it does give me some time to detach from all the negativity and discourse that that job entails. 

I went back to work today and it wasn’t too bad! I just need to be a bit more careful with the schedule next month because I basically gave myself every single weekend off this month and it did not go unnoticed, hehehe. It is what it is though! I will do what I can where I can and however I can, muahahahhaaaaa. 

These past two months have been wonderful. Cutting down my hours has shown me that it is indeed possible to reprioritize and make sure that my job is not taking up all my time, energy and efforts. I know Anna wants me to work more come March, but I don’t think I’ll do more than four days a week. It’s more than enough for me. I like how distant and detached I’ve become with this job. I come in, do what I have to do, and leave with no further thoughts. 

I don’t want to lose my work ethic or my work habits though, because I’m good at what I do. So I have to find a balance where I’m detached like this, but not so detached that I don’t care enough to do what my role expects of me. The middle way, as always! I’m sure I’ll figure it out. 

Speaking of middle way – I know that we’ve just entered a mercury retrograde, but I don’t feel chaotic or off-kilter. In fact, I have this urge to clean up, declutter, get back on track with my book, writing and meditation, and I’m motivated to be organized and more in touch with myself. My faith is as strong as ever and underlies most of the thoughts I do have, so I’ve been pretty at peace on a day-to-day basis, It’s just nice to know that I don’t have to worry about anything because I know I’m being taken care of on some level, and on the level directly relating to myself too. I’m listening and looking for the signs, talking to the Universe as much as I can, and just going with the flow right now. 

I also know that the Universe is giving me a little push. I can feel it – I have this restless energy like, I have to do something. I know this feeling, I’ve experienced it before. I just don’t know what the “it” is, just yet. I know I’ll know when I know. It’ll reveal itself in a sudden impulse, a calm decision that seems clear as day and relatively easy to make with no questioning whatsoever. I’m looking forward to it, whatever it may be. 

In the meanwhile – I must declutter, I must return to my creative outlet (writing, and perhaps painting more!), I must start meditating again (guided meditations, breath-counting meditations, etc.) and get back to organizing my book. Sometimes little passages come to me in my head regarding certain chapters and I don’t write them down or anything, but clear as day this is all coming together (even if it is mostly in my head for the time being). I can’t wait to write in cute little cafes in the spring and summer and let the sun inspire me. Ou and on my patio too! 

THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR ALL THAT I HAVE AND ALL THAT YOU BLESS ME WITH! 

Anything else I’d like to talk about? Yes, I’d like to discuss: more goals for myself regarding what I’d like to start learning about, (maybe podcasts?), the book that found me that I’m currently in the midst of reading, how I’d like to learn to enjoy my time with Adrian whilst still making the most of my time, anddddd… ah yes, this new idea for an “intuition journal”! Also connected to the book that I’m reading but something I’d like to discuss nonetheless. 

I shall save that for my next log because ya girl is STARVING and needs to eat. Lesson of this log?

Nothing quells fear better than active faith, trust and patience in the process. When I say “active” faith, I mean that you have to be active in it. You have to act in it – everything you do, say, and think must be consciously rooted in faith, without that underlying current of fear. When fear goes, “but what if”, faith must cut in and say, “everything that is unfolding is for my highest good, no matter what, and I am always, always being taken care of, one way or another”. 

Always choose the better thought. That’s how rewiring works. And one day, before you know it, you wake up and realize that faith is always the first thought in your mind, and fear is becoming a distant memory. 

That’s all for today! Great log, great log. Hehe. 

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.

Day 44, 45, 46 – February 13th to 15th, 2020

Hello! Things got a little busy with work before the long weekend so I didn’t get a chance to write, but I now have some free time while I’m waiting for all my friends to come over so I shall bang out a log. 

Tonight I’m hosting a good vibes buds n’ brushes DIY paint night – instead of going out and spending money and having a wine paint night, I’ve turned my dining room into a lounge-y area with meditation cushions for comfort (and for a “moroccan feel” hehe), I have my own paints and canvases, tons of snacks, and we’re going to smoke instead of drink! Well, there’s wine too just in case for those who may not smoke. It’s going to be a good night and I’m so excited! I’ve cleansed the space with my bundle of cedar, I have all my crystals out, there’s some “grounding” incense currently burning, along with some “spa spirit” essential oil in my diffuser. It smells and FEELS wonderful in this space and I hope it elevates everyone else’s spirit too. 

I meditated before I cleansed the space too, so I feel good and ready. But now, it’s time to cleanse my heart and soul by ridding myself of all the thoughts and emotions that have been circulating around in my head. 

But first – I must catch up about how Valentine’s Day was for Adrian and I because oh my lord, I want to look back at these memories when we’re married and old and have babies and grandbabies, which we most definitely will. 

So he planned a romantic dinner for us – he’d made reservations at this “fine-dining” steak place called “The School”, which was so incredibly sweet of him. I honestly had had half a mind to say that I wouldn’t have minded staying in, but we don’t go out like that often and splurge and I didn’t want to dishearten him or negate his kind gesture by saying so. I have to learn to accept being spoiled once in a while too instead of feeling guilty. 

I dressed up really nicely for him during the day, and then headed over to his area where he was picking me up after he finished work. When I opened the car door, just like on our anniversary day the front seat had gifts waiting there for me (I LOVE HOW ROMANTIC HE IS AHHHHH!). It was a box of some of my favourite chocolates, and a bottle of my favourite moscato Bartenura (the same wine he’d coincidentally bought me on our second date without even knowing it was my favourite). 

I opened the box of chocolates at one point just to eat one as we were on our way to dinner, and to my surprise there was a handwritten note inside for me! I asked him if I could read it now or if I should wait and he said I could read it now, so I did. But of course, I immediately started crying (thank god for heavy-duty setting spray or my whole face would have came off) because it was so incredibly sweet and meaningful and I’m going to write it here so I never forget:

“From the moment I saw your photo – I had to meet you. When I met you, I had to take you on a date. From the moment I took you on a date, I had to be your boyfriend. When I became your boyfriend, I had to tell you I loved you. 

And when I told you I loved you… The Universe fell into place. 

The magic you hold and the love you show me make my every day extraordinary. 

You’re one of a kind and the joy in my life. 

365 days later, and my feelings for you are 100x stronger. 

I cherish you and I love you. 

You are my soup snake. 🙂

Love always,
Adrian.” 

Oh man the soup snake part had me BAWLING LMAO. He really is my soulmate. I’m over the moon that he feels that way too. 

I eventually managed to compose myself and I told him how much I loved him and the sweet, thoughtful gifts. This was our second Valentine’s Day together and one whole year later, our love for each other has only grown stronger and our affection for one another, our gestures, remain the same if not even more so thoughtful now. 

We eventually got to the restaurant, but we were ten minutes early for dinner so I told him to open his gift from me. (It was a heart-shaped box of Lindor chocolates which is his favourite, but I actually took out half the chocolates and filled the empty spots with 14 grams of herb hehehe). When he opened it, his eyes widened and he quite literally yelled, “WHAAAT!? THAT’S LITTTTTT!!!”, which immediately made me burst into laughter. 

And then he looked at me and said, “this is amazing! That’s it. That’s it! I’m-” and he paused. Quite innocuously it seems but, it’s almost as if he was juuuuust about to say, “that’s it! I’m marrying you.” or something along those lines. (Perhaps that’s just my hopeful wishful heart filling in the blanks). 

He thanked me profusely and said I knew him so well. Oh, before he opened his gift, he opened my card to him! It was a card with otters on it (his favourite animal) which said, “Happy Valentine’s Day to my significant otter.” (SO PERFECT LMAO). 

And I wrote him a lovely message too which I’m also going to write down here so that I can find again if I never need it: 

“Dear Adrian, 

Happy Valentine’s Day my love!
I can’t believe that it’s exactly one year ago today that we’ve said those three little words. Fitting though, seeing how cheesy we are (which I LOVE). 

We’ve said it so many times since then, in many different moments: in the morning, when we wake up together, in your car when we stop at a red light and look at each other. On all of our wonderful trips, in those breathtaking moments of adventure and underneath a blazing sun amidst turquoise waters. 

No matter the moment though, there hasn’t been one where I’ve ever meant those words any less. In fact, with every single one of those times, my love for you has only grown – and I know that with every moment that we’re given, it will continue to. 

I’m thankful, each and every day, that I met you and that you’re in my life. I’m thankful that through you and because of you, I know what it’s like to be loved – REALLY loved. For who I am and all that I am.

I hope that I make you feel this way too.
I hope you know just how much I appreciate you and how deeply I love you – not just today, but every day. 

You fill my life with so much light, so much laughter, affection, love, wisdom, growth, support and encouragement. You mean the world to me. You are so incredibly special. I couldn’t be any luckier to have you as my Valentine, and I hope I continue to be lucky for many more to come. Thank you for being the most wonderful, amazing, loving “significant otter” a girl could as for. I love you so much. 

Love always,

Me. Xoxo”

I had to stop like five times while writing that card because I started crying after every paragraph LMFAO. I’m such a baby (but also a hormonal baby, thanks period). 

Anyways! Dinner was absolutely lovely – it really was such a swanky high-class place, it was nice to be bougie for a leetle, hehe. We had prosciutto wrapped mozzarella and a greek salad to start, and red wine with filet mignon medallions cooked medium rare, alongside fresh vegetables and mashed potatoes. The steak though, *drool*. It was tender, juicy, and felt like butter when I sliced my knife through it. 

He’s such a gentleman. I loved that while there were other couples around us on their phones, he and I were holding hands across the table and completely focused on one another, and enjoying each other’s company. Le sigh.

After dinner, we stopped by McDonald’s for a chocolate shake and some apple pies (that’s more like us LOL) as dessert, and then headed home to watch Love, Actually (one of my favourite romantic movies). 

All in all, it was a wonderful, romantic, love-filled Valentine’s Day, but I’m so happy that it felt like just another day because we treat each other with that much love and appreciation and little gestures on a daily basis throughout our relationship. 

Thank you Universe. My lesson for today: cherish the people in your life. Cherish the connections that feed your soul, your heart, your mind. Appreciate those connections each and every day, and not just on the days you’re told to. Do not allow anything less than that and never settle. 

Love always,

Me.

Day 43 – February 12th, 2020

My last log got cut a little short because I ended up having to leave, but it’s all good! I got down a majority of what I wanted to say in regards to my lesson of the day. And guess what – I actually implemented it today! I’m so proud of myself. 

So today I returned to work after my day off, and I had this plan in my head. If anyone brought up my hair again, I would “jokingly” (but lowkey firmly) tell them the story of what I told my dad when he brought it up to me: that every strand of hair on my head is my own and I will do with it what I want. 

And it happened exactly as I imagined it – one of my coworkers whom I haven’t seen in a while brought it up to some of my other coworkers and the diatribe started again. “I can’t imagine her being a psychologist with blue hair-” and etc. But this time, I cut in and I was like, “I’m going to say to you what I told my dad when he brought it up with me: it’s my hair and I’ll do what I want with it, when I want”. And then my coworker kept going, but my other coworker interjected saying that appearance really doesn’t matter that much when it comes to an impression – her son’s girlfriend was covered in tattoos, like me. To which I replied, “And I’m sure she’s a really nice person, am I right?” My coworker agreed, and I looked back to the other coworker and said, “I’m going to be the coolest, most chill psychologist ever.” She just laughed it off and shook her head. But hey! I stood my ground, and they all stopped the commenting. And I did it calmly and kindly too!!! With a little bit of firmness, but just enough to get my point across.

I felt soooooo much better afterwards. Today was a good day! I learnt a lesson and I put it in place. Life can be so much better with boundaries. 

Anyways, I’m at Adrian’s now (yes I’ve basically moved in here LOL) so I shall keep this brief for today. 

Lesson of the day: learn your lessons – and then live them!!!! 

Love always,

Me.

Day 42 – February 11th, 2020

Hello there! Well, that was quite the addendum LOL. I even proceeded to go on twitter and vent in the same vein, albeit with less swearing heh. 

It’s definitely mostly due to the upsurge of PMS hormones for sure. In fact, I ended up crying today because Adrian sent me the loveliest messages saying he loves loves loves my blue hair and that it reminds him of the sea in Aruba and that he thinks it’s sexy. I love him so much honestly, omg. He’s so incredibly sweet and such a good boyfriend. 

I hate getting my period. I go from being a relatively level-headed sensitive baby to an all-out cry-for-everything rage-against-the-machine sensitive baby. Le sigh. 

I’m going to keep this short today because I’m actually headed to Vape Lounge to sesh with some folks! 

I am glad that I vented here last night though, and even on Twitter. I woke up this morning feeling more refreshed and centered. I spent today watching Youtube videos of the Pussy Cat Dolls and then I was inspired to look up zumba instructional videos in order to work out AND attempt to dance like them, LMAO. I mean, I had the house to myself so I figured if I was going to work out, I may as well have had fun with it. And I did!

The endorphin rush that comes with working out is so nice. I really do need to get back into that. Even if it is just instructional Youtube videos for a half hour here and there. It’s a start. 

Anyways, that’s it for today I guess! I’ll definitely find some time to write tomorrow. 

Lesson of the day: I’m only human and I have my limits too. And it’s due to those limits that it’s imperative for me to set my boundaries. Setting boundaries and teaching people how they can or cannot speak to you is a form of self-love as well. People can get away with saying what they want to me if I allow them to do so. It’s up to me to make sure that the people around me know what level of respect I expect. 

Love always, 

Me.

Day 41 – February 10th, 2020

Hello, hello! I have a little bit of time before I have to start getting ready for work, so I may as well type out a log. 

…I always pause here to wrack my brain as to what I’d like to talk about or write about, LOL. Ah, let’s talk about a moment that just occurred! 

So I just got home from Adrian’s and I’ve been chilling this morning, watching some Simpson’s and killing some time. About twenty minutes ago, my mom just got home from work, which is pretty early considering the amount of jobs she has. 

Anyways, it didn’t even take 3 minutes for her to start asking me when I was planning on graduating, when I plan on finding a full time job, how old I currently am, etc. And I can feel the old me getting triggered on some level while the current me breathed through it and stayed calm. 

It ain’t easy though. There’s still some part of me deep down that has those exact fears and worries, even with all the therapy I’ve been through to come to terms with where I am in life. I’m not ashamed of myself and I don’t regret anything, and I do have faith in my process. I don’t blame her for worrying probably mostly out of motherly concern, because if I were her and I had a 27 year old daughter who’d been in university for what seems like 10 years who hasn’t graduated yet and there was no imminent sign of her graduating, I’d probably be pretty concerned too. It’s hard when you’re on the outside looking in, to trust the process of someone you care about. 

So, I get it on some level, I do. I’m still learning and re-learning how not to take her concern personally and do my best to put into perspective where it’s really coming from. At least she’s not berating me for it, mostly just asking me questions that she has every right to ask. It’s up to me to react accordingly – not out of my own fears or doubts, but out of equal concern and compassion. 

And you know, she’s not wrong – since this year has began, the only thing I’ve really done in regards to my petition is pick up the rest of my paperwork from my doctor. I haven’t made any movements to put my petition altogether or anything like that, not since the end of last year before Christmas. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. 

In my idealistic world, in my head, I write my book and it takes off and I don’t have to worry about being in thousands of dollars of debt trying to get through a degree. But I mean, that could still happen even if it’s in a different order. 

All I know is, right now my book is my priority. Amidst work, I’m trying to get into a headspace where I’m 100% passionately dedicated to bringing it to life – I can’t have anything less than that or it will show. It’s just hard because I’m so easily distracted LOL. (Then again, I have been off of my ADHD medication for quite some time now). 

I have to make a schedule maybe: on the days I have off to myself in totality, I can spend a certain amount of hours putting my petition together, then working on my book. I have to properly manage my time or else I will fall into complacency, and ultimately back into autopilot mode. Everyone needs a purpose! Everyone needs a cause, something to work towards. I know what mine is, and I’m doing myself a disservice by not taking advantage of all this time I’ve been given. 

Tomorrow I have a full day off to myself (minus some plans in the evening), so perhaps I can wake up early, designate some time to each thing I’d like to do, and get some stuff done. It’s good to feel productive and to act on those impulses. I have to move forward with my life, one way or another, or risk getting stuck once more. 

Anyways, I should probably start getting ready for work. Lately I’ve gotten into the bad habit of dreading my shifts, but I really shouldn’t. I’m thankful for this job, thankful for my coworkers, thankful for the hours and the financial abundance it provides me with. 

I’m thankful!! THANKFUL I SAYYYYYY!!!

Until tomorrow then! 

Love always, 

Stephanie. 

Addendum to Log 41:

Welp, all that patience I had today just flew straight out the window. Probably due to my raging PMS hormones than anything else, but yep, I hit the end of my rope. 

For the past two weeks or so, since I’ve dyed my hair blue, it’s been fading to a pastel green with hints of some turquoise, but yes, for argument’s sake, green. And I’ve had to hear it from my coworkers: “why is your hair green? When are you going back to blonde? I don’t like how this looks on you. Blonde looks better on you. I know you’re young and you have these crazy phases, but you’re 27 now and you shouldn’t be doing these things.” 

And you know, it didn’t really bother me for a while because all the hair that I have is on MY HEAD. MY. HEAD. NO ONE ELSES. MY. GODDAMN. HEAD. 

So really, I didn’t give two flying fucks about anyone’s comments but I much appreciated the compliments I did receive. 

However yet again, another shift today, same comments. It just gets tiring after hearing the same old over and over and over again. I don’t care, I really don’t, but I’m also not a robot either and even I, as a *human* (shocker) have limits. 

Shit thing is at work, I can’t really tell people to mind their own business (even politely) without offending people or causing some level of commotion. (This is clearly yet another boundary lesson for me in disguise, I can tell even as I’m writing this). 

So, unfortunately for my dad, he’s the one who caught it today. But I’m getting ahead of myself. 

While I was at work, Olivia let me know that my mom decided to “clean” my room (aka snoop through my shit), and happened to find a little weed I had.

The most maddening part is, she acted completely normal when I got home. At this rate, I would have preferred an interrogation because I have all this pent-up rage now and it has nowhere to go. 

Anyways, as my dad was leaving to go pick up Bea, he made a comment saying my hair was ugly and he had no idea what I was doing. And I let it pass with a vague “mhmmmm” as my mom warned him to refrain from commenting on me and my shit. 

Moments later however, once he’s back, I feel someone touching my hair. I look up, and it’s my dad (albeit probably rather good-naturedly) asking me why it was green or something. I say “or something”, because at this rate, I have no fucking idea what he’s saying because I’ve already began yelling at the top of my lungs:

“YOU KNOW WHAT?!?!? IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER WHAT COLOUR MY HAIR IS OR HOW MANY TATTOOS I HAVE – I COULD GET 18 MORE TATTOOS AND DYE MY HAIR EVERY FUCKING COLOUR OF THE RAINBOW AND IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE IT’S MY HAIR AND MY BODY-

Something along those lines, yup. Seriously unfortunate timing, because I really was just moments before thinking about how I’d love to address this in tomorrow’s log and vent maybe. Welp, it is what it is. 

I felt bad during and right after, and even now. It’s not completely my dad’s fault and I didn’t mean for him to catch the vitriol that I’ve been collecting for the better part of this day. It was just the last straw unfortunately. I started off on such a good note with being able to empathize with my mom, but then she went through my stuff while I was at work (and apparently talked shit about me to my sister but what else is new), and then everyone at work had to open their big ass mouths and say whatever the fuck they wanted about my hair as they have been for WEEKS, and then my dad just had to hop on the “let me say things that I know my wife will approve of” train and that was it, kaboom. 

It’s been a while since I’ve snapped or lost my temper. It felt good in the moment, but it doesn’t anymore. I can’t imagine living with that kind of anger on a daily basis or snapping like that regularly. It’s human, sure, but it’s also very destructive. 

I’ll apologize to dad tomorrow. His remarks are not okay and inexcusable, but my anger was misdirected. 

Stupid PMS. Man, I was doing just fine handling all this shit before all these emotions had to come flooding through. Can I just admit to myself here though that I really do have a hard time with criticism? I mean, I knew I was a sensitive baby child but jeez, this is ridiculous. 

To defend myself though – it’s been weeks of these comments and they haven’t been bothering me at all up until today. I think I’m going to have to say something to the next person who makes a comment about it at work. I have to establish my boundaries as kindly but firmly as I can so I don’t end up creating all this pent-up resentment and frustration and have this kind of thing happen again where I misdirect it at someone who doesn’t completely deserve it. 

I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like for kids who live with families who don’t completely accept who they are or have certain expectations or conditions when it comes to their love for their children. That’s so shit. 

At the end of the day, I’m not here to fit into anyone’s narrative or to make anyone comfortable with my appearance. I’m not here to adhere to society’s standards of “professionalism” or their cookie-cutter mentality. I don’t care how old I am or how I’m supposed to be presenting myself “at this age”. My appearance, my hair colour, my tattoos – none of that should denounce my capabilities, intelligence, or who I am as a person. 

And that’s the tea. Everyone or anyone who thinks otherwise can quite literally go fuck themselves.