Day 45 + 46 – February 14th & 15th, 2018

Hi there! So last log, I didn’t get a chance to finish because Olivia’s laptop started an update that was taking way too long to download and given the state that I was in on Tuesday night (ayyy lmao) I was in no mood to sit and wait until it was over (but also because it was late at night and I was quite sleepy too).

Anyways! Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone. It’s so funny – exactly one year ago, Dylan gave me his copy of The Alchemist on that day so that I could bring it with me to Hawaii and I knew that I had the biggest crush on him, for sure. One year later, and everything’s changed – now he’s the one going to Hawaii, we haven’t seen each other once this year so far, and I barely think of him anymore. Amazing what can change over the course of just one year, eh?

I even went back to my old log to see what I had written on this day a year ago. Man. I had it bad.

But what a beautiful lesson that turned into! The tarot card guy I met in Hawaii was right – I still had much to learn. Even now, I still feel like I have more to learn.

Moving on, what have I missed that I haven’t addressed? I really do need to get back to writing consistently because if I don’t, I start to forget the things that happen or the thoughts I have that I want to write down! No bueno.

Let’s see… well, after that talk I had with Avery, I felt more motivated to make school my priority so I actually talked to Maria about my hours. And she promised that moving forward, we would compromise on a set amount of hours so that I can focus on school. She even took away some of the hours from next week (what would have been a 40 hour week) so that I could have some time to study for my exams coming up after reading week.

Change has to come about in the little ways first before the big ones can make a difference. If I don’t start somewhere, I’ll never start at all right? I keep saying I want to make school my priority – well, there’s nothing stopping me from that but me. So, it’s time I work alongside myself to get to where I need to go. I know it’ll take some work, but I’m right here by my side and I’ve also got some amazingly encouraging friends and family too. I’ve got everything I need and I know I can do this.

Oh and! I had a good inspiring conversation with Avery sometime during the week and I shared what I wrote with everyone, so I’m going to also write it here as well so that I can refer back to it as time goes on. It was about having faith in the universe and working alongside it to manifest what’s meant for you, and how that’s a two-way street. I also talked about the benefits that that faith brought about.

“But faith is important too!!! That’s another thing I’ve learnt; I can’t have one without the other, it’s like being in between a parallel of concepts to find the perfect balance between the two – the way Buddhism explains it is finding the perfect amount of effort to float forward down the middle of a river without hitting either side of the riverbanks.

Too much striving can lead to you ending up somewhere you’re not meant to be, losing sight of what you wanted or what makes you happy for the sake of simply having something (money, success, job), stressed out, comparing yourself to others, etc. But then the other side of the river, you might rely totally on fate or destiny and end up becoming complacent, ungrateful, entitled, and create that victim mind-frame where you blame everyone (including the universe) but yourself for the way your life turned out because you never did anything and relied on the universe to bring you where you needed to go.

That’s where “conspiring with the universe” comes in – you work alongside the universe to manifest what is your dream, your destiny. The universe is your intuition, your gut feeling when you’re deciding between two jobs and you’re not quite sure which path you’re meant for (having landed those opportunities yourself through making things happens). The universe is faith when those opportunities you created for yourself don’t follow through, because you know everything happens for a reason and you know what’s meant for you will find you.

It’s a two way street, a 50/50 gambit, never quite black or white or one or the other, in my perspective. Without a doubt it takes a ton of effort, dedication and discipline to bring about change in your life, you yourself have to pursue what you seek. But the universe is in the little things – the signs that point you in the right directions, the little opportunities that catch your eye when you never would have considered them originally. The universe is in your ultimate dream/goal for yourself, even if you don’t quite know what it is – but it’s telling you that if you work hard enough for it, you can make it a reality and it WILL help you manifest what’s meant for you.

The way you see things, the way you perceive yourself, what you think and how you feel shapes your reality in ways you can only imagine possible! Imagine if you poured into yourself the kind of effort and belief that you do into everything you seek to accomplish – the results would be undeniable and amazing.

Example one: in January, I was only getting about 10 hours a week and my paycheques weren’t what they were in December, and I was somewhat panicking because I have some debts to pay right? I kept thinking over and over and also saying out loud, “I need hours. I need more hours.”

February starts and this whole crazy series of “coincidences” suddenly occur: Charlize, one of our main demos, goes on leave for 3 weeks and when she comes back, she’ll be taking another position as a Bay associate, therefore freeing up all the hours she had before. Sharon, another main demo, got a position with another company and consequently can’t work as much as she used to (she’s the one who had main priority for hours too) and now she’s cut them down, once again freeing up more available hours. And lastly, the demo (named Dianne) who was working about 70 hours a week during Christmas, can’t work more than 5-10 every other week because she’s becoming a real estate agent. And all of this happened at once. So where did all those hours go to? ME! I went from 10 hours a week to having to cut down shifts because I was back at 30-40 hours!! No such thing as coincidence, but also proved you got to be careful what you wish for because you ask for it hard enough, you might receive only to ultimately realize it wasn’t what you really needed (therein lies a lesson, which the universe constantly offers in abundance in order to learn and do differently).

Example 2 (just today happened and is hella funny to me): for the past couple weeks, I kept thinking that I’m running low on my weed supply and I don’t have a dealer right? And like I don’t smoke often but it does help with my anxiety sometimes when it comes to work and whatnot. Anyways, I kept thinking I don’t want to go to dispensaries and I don’t know who to ask. So this morning, I actually told Olivia “yo man, I need a dealer… I’m running low.”

Today, when I was coming out of class and going down the stairs, these two dudes were legit rolling with no fucks to be given LMFAO. So I stopped and asked where they got it, and the dude who was rolling said a dispensary, but the other dude called up his dealer (who just happened to be free) and we met at TD atms within 5 minutes, I got his number, and now I have a consistent person to hit up if I ever need some!”

LOL okay so that last example was pretty damn funny, but still – pretty amazing “coincidence” you know? I was even deliberating that day whether or not I should even go to class, and in a last second snap decision, I went with my gut and decided to go!

These aren’t the only instances where things I’ve thought or said out loud have manifested though – in the past year, there’s been countless “coincidences” like this that I’ve noticed. And, I know I’ve only begun to notice them and they’ve been increasing in frequency of occurrence in direct correlation to my faith in the universe and my trust in myself and the process.

These things have proven to me, time and time again, the strength that a thought has, the power of a spoken word. Everything operates on a certain frequency and we quite literally have the capacity to create our realities to reflect what we wish for ourselves.

So, imagine the power of really and truly loving yourself – respecting yourself, wanting nothing but the best for yourself, wishing yourself happiness, true peace and contentment. Imagine speaking those wishes out loud every day, looking at yourself in the mirror in the eyes and wishing yourself nothing but pure love, and having that reflected back at you and everyone you meet. Imagine everything you could accomplish, imagine what life would look like in that state of love.

These are the beautiful, powerful things I’ve learnt and are continuing to learn. These are the ideas I want to practice, to cultivate into habits.

Anyways, I’ve got to dash off to work now but, I’m not done with this! I’m trying to remember what else I have to write about… ah right, what I’ve been up to recently in regards to my potential dating life, and stray thoughts and their resultant feelings I’ve been having towards a certain someone. Until later then!

~

Okay, I’m back! However, time has escaped from me and it’s now quite late. I may have to continue this tomorrow, or the day after. Wow, amazing how these work shifts can really take up my time! But I must admit, today was a really good day at work – not only was it chill, I was also able to kill it in sales because the big sharks weren’t in today, heh.

Also, another synchronicity that’s occurred (my preferred word to “coincidence”); on Tuesday, I was talking with my parents about how meditation is good for us and how we should go to temple more. Olivia was at work at the time, so she wasn’t partaking in this particular conversation. I distinctly remember saying out loud, “I need to go buy some more incense.”

Well, wouldn’t you know it but today before work, Olivia was “randomly” compelled to go buy incense!! She was passing by this tiny store and saw some lying outside of it, and she was drawn to it and ended up buying some lavender-scented, jasmine-scented and “positive energy” incense. I’m currently burning one of the lavender ones as I type this and can feel myself growing more and more relaxed.

Even though these synchronicities are beginning to happen at a higher frequency, I still marvel at them each and every time. It’s just so amazing!

Anyways, it’s been a long day so I’m going to wrap this up here and I promise to write… maybe on one of my breaks tomorrow? I would say that I’d write after work but there’s a spontaneous girl’s night happening at Marilyn’s as a bon voyage party for her so I’m going to be going to that! (Can’t wait!)

Off to bed I go! Until next time,

Love always,

Me.

Day 32 – February 1st, 2018

So, today was good start to the month!

I started off this morning with my coffee and reading a chapter from Radical Acceptance that touched my soul so much it made me cry.

Tara (the author) talked about one of her clients whose mom was very clingy, needy, and needed constant reassurance that she was doing a good job as a mother. Her client grew up not wanting to be near his mom and feeling annoyed by her constant neediness. So, he ended up moving half away across the country to start a life away from her.

Throughout those years, she would call time to time and tell him that she was really sick and that she needed him right away. And he would go to her each time, and then all of a sudden she’d get better. But then, she’d break down crying and ask him to stay, telling him that she was afraid of getting sick and terrified of dying. He began to resent her, and that’s why he went to go see Tara because he didn’t want to feel that way towards someone he was supposed to love.

Tara told him to practice forgiveness and lovingkindness every day. To speak out loud to himself and his mother to wish her well, to say “Mother, may you be happy. Mother, may you be peaceful. Mother, may you accept yourself, just as you are.”

Eventually, he began to see the good in his mom: her sense of humour, the way she took care of him when he got sick as kid, the way she made everyone else light up, how happy she was for him when he married the love of his life.

After a while, the wishes he had for her became sincere. And one day, a call came late at night and she told him that she was critically ill and was certain to die in a few days. He wondered at first if it were true or not, but then he realized that it didn’t matter and that he genuinely wanted to be with her since she needed him.

So he flew across the country… and found his mom, riddled with cancer and immobilized by a broken hip.

I’m just going to quote directly from the book now, the passage that made me bawl my eyes out:

“On the fifth night, it hit him. This was it. His mother was really dying. She wasn’t going to be with him much longer. As he gazed at her pale and emaciated face and listened to her laboured breath, he saw not the needy person trying to get something from him, not the frightened person who demanded constant reassurance, but simply a being who wanted to be loved. She had been a widow for fifteen years. Who had really hugged her all this time? Who had held her, let her be vulnerable, let her feel embraced and loved? Now, outside all the roles and identities by which he had defined his mother, he saw the truth that all she had ever really wanted… was to love and be loved.

Taking down the railing of her bed, he leaned over her and gently surrounded her small bony body with his arms. “May you be filled with lovingkindess”, he whispered. “May you be peaceful, mama. May you be free from this suffering.”

With his face close to hers, he told her over and over that he loved her, that love was here. He kissed her forehead, and her whole being shone with the truth of her goodness. For several hours he held her, sometimes speaking softly, sometimes sobbing, always feeling the fragile thread of her precious life growing thinner. By the time he left, her breath seemed lighter and easier. She looked peaceful.

The next morning, he got a call from the hospital at 7 am telling him that his mother passed away. Slowly, he hung up the phone and sat unmoving at the edge of his bed. He knew that she finally felt free to leave. She had been released into death with the blessing of uncomplicated, pure love.

After a few minutes, the tears came. Through his sobs, he found himself repeating over and over, “everybody just wants to be loved.” That edge of resistance he had been living with all those years, the judgement and mistrust, had been replaced by a tender, gentle heart.”

This story, out of all the heart-warming stories in this book, hit me the hardest.

Lately, my dad has been relapsing a lot lately. He took more money out of our line of credit while we were on vacation, told my mom he had sent it to his brother in Sri Lanka, but it turns out that that was a lie.

My uncle (my dad’s brother) has had a massive heart attack. They ran some tests and found out that his major arteries are about 90% clogged – he could quite literally die at any moment. And, he doesn’t have enough money to do the immediate surgery that is required, so he’s been asking for money from everyone in the village, including some of our family friends.

When my uncle told this to my mom, she cried out of pity and sadness; not only did dad not send his own brother money, but my dad himself was so sick that he felt the need to lie about where the money went. She asked me to talk to him the next day (which was today; this all was found out yesterday).

I was panicking yesterday. I knew I’d be home when my dad got home but… I didn’t know what to say. But after reading that chapter in Radical Acceptance this morning, I knew what I wanted to say.

I had to tell him that I forgave him.

I realized, that in all of these years, I’ve never once told him that. I’ve never once extended to him the sort of lovingkindness that you would offer one with a physically-afflicted illness.

Yesterday was Bell Talk Day, a day for advocating mental health awareness and fighting against stigma. And for everything I said and retweeted, I realized that my actions weren’t reflecting my words or beliefs.

If we were to equate (metaphorically speaking) my dad’s addictions to having cancer, well… I would have spent more time in my life resenting him and blaming him for something out of his control, rather than offering him support and love. I would have spent more time trying to avoid him and shut him out of my life, than telling him how much he meant to me and how good of a father he was regardless of his illness.

My dad’s sick physically too – he’s got diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. And heart attacks run high on his side of the family. What if something happened to him and I never got the chance to tell him these things?

So today, (just about an hour ago actually), once he was settling in to make his coffee and prepare for his second job, I sat in the kitchen with him.

I asked him how he was doing. He replied that he was feeling pretty down about everything, and that he was sorry about his brother and sorry for lying about the money. He understood why mom was so upset, and he promised to pay her back. He promised to make it so that he was barred from withdrawing any money from the line of credit without her verbal and written consent.

I told him that he should start going to the program again, and he agreed and said that he would.

Once he started going off on one of his regular tangents, I interrupted to tell him everything I wanted to say.

I told him that I realized in all these years, I’ve never really told him that… I was sorry. I was sorry that he was sick, sorry that he was afflicted by something that was generally out of his control, and that he didn’t deserve that. I told him that I know he tried so hard to take care of us in his own ways, and that despite everything that’s happened over the years that he’s been a good father to Natasha and I. I told him that I know he’s a good person, deep down. I started crying, and then he started crying, and he came over to me to give me a hug and begged me not to cry. As he hugged me, I told him that we forgive him. I told him that we don’t hate him, and that I don’t ever want him to think that. And that despite whatever my mom says in anger, that she does care about him too.

Choked up, he promised to do better and to fight harder against his demons, for himself and for us.

Goodness, am I ever emotional today LOL.

Anyways, I’m glad I said everything that I did. My heart feels lighter. I don’t want to hold onto resentment against my dad – he didn’t choose this life, he doesn’t choose to be an addict. It’s not his fault. I know he can be more responsible for himself, but he does try and I have to give him credit for that. He’s not an awful person. I know he can be selfish sometimes, but he’s always loved all three of us deeper than anything else in his life. He told me he’d rather die in front of us than to have us leave him.

So, I choose love. I choose kindness, I choose forgiveness and I choose compassion. Because that’s who I want to be.

I don’t want to look back years down the line, and regret that I didn’t listen to my dad enough. That I didn’t tell him I forgive him, that I understand and that I too wish him peace and happiness.

I think that’s about all I’d like to say today. I recommended Radical Acceptance to Sera by the way! She was really glad; she said she’s definitely going to buy it because she feels like she’s lost all sense of emotional control lately, and that she could really use the help letting go of her past demons and present struggles. She thanked me and called me an angel, and I told her if she ever needed someone to talk to, that I’d be there.

Tomorrow I’ve got work, but I promise to write when I get a moment!

I’ve got to say, I know I won’t be seeing Nadia for a while, but man is she ever going to be proud of me.

I’m proud of me, too.

Love always,

Me.

Day 28, 29, 30, 31 – January 28th – 31st, 2018

Hello! It’s been a couple days since I’ve had a moment to write, but thankfully it’s because I’ve been relatively busy! I’ve got a lot to catch up on as this month draws to a close, so here goes! (I’m a poet, hehe).

So let’s see… Sunday! I got together with Leila, Avery and Cory in downtown to watch the Raptors vs. Lakers game and it was tons and tons of fun. We started off by having dinner altogether first at Jack Astor’s, and I decided to have a lot of wine LOL. By the time we got to the game, I was already pretty tipsy, and I continued to have even more wine at the game, heh. But, it was great – there was this one point that I ended up laughing so hard that I cried and legit, what had happened wasn’t even that funny. Nonetheless, it’s safe to say I had a blast.

And dinner altogether was so nice; we caught up about the stuff that’s passed, talked and just enjoyed each other’s company as per usual. It’s always good vibes when it comes to us four, so it was nice to get together and hang out that way. Also, I actually really enjoy watching basketball games! They’re a lot of fun to watch since it’s a constant back and forth, and the hype during the game is truly infectious. I definitely hope to go to more as the season goes on!

So that was Sunday. Monday, I had a work shift that went by pretty quickly since I was once again at podium. Tuesday, I stayed home and missed my one class to do a reading in preparation for an assignment that was due today (an assignment that I was dreading starting, in all honesty). But more on that later.

After that, it was girl’s night at Marilyn’s house. So it was me, Marilyn, Daniella, Lianna, Dianne, Dana, Sharon, Maria and even Sera showed up a little later! Oh man, we had so, so much fun – I adore those ladies, I really do. I both look up to them AND love having a good time with them.

Something I got to touch upon, in regards to that night. When Sera finally got to us, she started telling Dana about her engagement and the proposal story. Which led to her talking about Dylan’s reaction, and how badly it went. And then she explained to me and Dana that the tension was still ongoing to this day, even though it’s been over a month since then. In fact, it had gotten worse.

They were still fighting about it, except the fights were getting much more vicious and prolonged. And the other day, Dylan’s youngest brother Jordan had said something to him that provoked him to the point that he slapped the poor kid and punched him, twice. Now, take in that Dylan’s doing jiu-jitsu and he was up against a fourteen year old kid… so of course, Sera lost her shit.

She told Dylan that she’s the mother and that she’s the one who does the disciplining, not him. Regardless of the fact that Dylan claims he helped to raise his brothers, when it comes down to it, it was all her. So, she didn’t give a flying fuck if the youngest brother had called Dylan every word in the book – what Dylan did was super wrong. She told him that he had serious anger management issues and that it’s a good thing he wasn’t dating because no girl on the planet would put up with the kind of attitude he has.

She also told him that if he didn’t like of what she was saying or the fact that she was marrying Chuck, that Dylan should just pack up all of his shit, get out, and move to the U.S. with his father. (She did mention that she regretted saying this, afterwards). But Dylan replied that he “couldn’t wait” to do so.

He also called her “retarded”, and a whole bunch of other vicious words. It got to the point that his youngest brother texted him to tell him that he wasn’t respecting Sera as a woman who birthed and raised him, his mother.

I was shook.

I still don’t quite know what to make of all this. Honestly, I just feel so deeply bad for Sera. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s sacrificed so, so much to make sure her kids had everything they could have possibly needed, despite everything she went through with her ex-husband.

I know it has nothing to do with me, but I do have some thoughts I’d like to voice about it.

For instance, man… I honestly thought he seemed so much more mature than this. I guess it goes to show, you never really truly know what’s going on beneath the surface, but time reveals all. I get why nothing ever came of me telling him about my feelings – it wasn’t meant to happen, he is so clearly not in any place whatsoever to be in a serious relationship, and he obviously has a lot more growing to do.

And you know, I honestly thought that his relationship with Sera was… I don’t know, I guess I saw the idealized version of it all. I get it, I get that this is a psychological, testosterone-driven lashing out against the fact that it appears that Chuck is taking Sera away from Dylan and in Dylan’s mind, this is his way of showing her how protective he is of her. But, not only is it driving her crazy, it’s also driving her away. She vented to us before that she already has a father – she doesn’t need Dylan to act like one towards her. She’s not his sister, or friend, or girlfriend – she’s his mom.

I guess in my mind, I don’t understand how Dylan just can’t be happy for Sera, no matter what that happiness entailed for her. Especially if it includes a stable and loving future with a man who makes her incredibly happy. I know his anger and resentment is stemming from a place of deep pain, fear and possibly resentment what with the closeness he still maintains with his father, but I just thought that the love and respect he had for Sera would outweigh all of those impulses. It’s been her and him from the start. But, now I think it’ll take years until he can see the matter for what it is. For now, the fear, anger, and pain is what’s going to drive him for some time to come. At least until he can come to terms with the idea that Chuck is not taking Sera away from him. And until he grows up and matures too.

I feel sorry for Chuck too. He loves Sera, and I’m sure he’s always wanted nothing more than to just be a part of their family. I know he did practically raise Jordan, which is why he has a pretty good relationship with him. But Derek (the middle brother) and Dylan have always been rather tense towards Chuck, even though he’s lived with Sera for a majority of their ten year relationship.

Not to mention, Sera explained that her ex-husband put a lot of negative ideas into Dylan and Derek’s heads about Chuck, purely out of jealousy.

But you know, because of the therapy I’ve done with Nadia, I can kind of understand that this is Dylan’s inner child reacting; his inner child has relied on Sera pretty much all his life. He’s told me himself that as a kid, he felt like his dad betrayed him by choosing his lifestyle over his kids and wife. Dylan probably has this deep intrinsic need to seek his father’s approval (regardless of the abandonment), and at the same time, hold onto his mom as tightly as he can since she was all he had growing up. And despite the fact that he may have grown used to Chuck’s presence over the years, in his inner child’s mind, this proposal seems like a massive uprooting change to the routine that he’s become accustomed to. In that vein, the ring that Chuck put on Sera’s finger probably seems like a dooming promise that Dylan will lose Sera for good, when he’s evidently not ready to do so.

This deep fear is probably causing all sorts of chain-reaction emotions – anger, fear of pain and rejection, resentment, desperation, and at the same time an intense loneliness that has him lashing out at those closest to him, and guilt from doing so. This fear must be so blinding and all-consuming that he’s failing to understand that nothing is going to change – Chuck is still going to be living with them, and that ring simply symbolizes a bunch of paperwork and a promise of the consistency that he’s already become so accustomed to.

Now I feel bad for him too. Poor guy.

I really hope that they can find a way to bridge this looming divide that’s growing bigger and bigger with each fight that they have. Life’s too short and anything can happen – I’m sure the last thing that either of them wants is for the last thing they’d ever said to each other to have been something in anger, you know? I know it’s so hard to sit down, set differences aside to really just listen to one another, but I truly hope that one day they’ll be ready to. They’re each hurt in their own ways – Sera’s hurt that she’s constantly put in the middle between the man she loves and her son, whom she’s meant to love unconditionally. And Dylan’s hurt for all kinds of reasons that ultimately stem from his deep love for his mom. When it comes down to it, the source of all of this fighting and strife comes from a love so big that it consumes them both. I hope one day they’ll be able to see that and come to some kind of compromise, because nothing on this earth would be worth them losing the relationship they’ve built since the day Dylan was born.

Well, I just psycho-analyzed the shit out of that situation, LOL.

At least I know I’m in the right place, eh? (Like I mean, in the sense of my degree goals heh).

Anyways!!!! Moving on.

So that was last night, which leads me to today, which is Wednesday, which was the day that my assignment was due.

Guess what.

I didn’t have to fight with myself today! I didn’t stress, I didn’t panic, I didn’t have anxiety about this paper. After understanding what the assignment entailed, I cleared my mind, set aside my distractions, and just let myself get started. And I did it! I finished it, and handed it in on time.

Man, those small victories are everything to me. It means so much to me that I can continuously learn and grow and fight against my self-imposed limitations, bit by bit. I can do this. I can finish this degree, and I’m going to graduate. This is exactly where I’m meant to be, right here, right now, and I couldn’t be prouder of myself.

It was a good day. It’s been an amazing week so far, actually!

The rest of this week I just have work shifts and a slight bit of free time here and there. But I believe Lianna will be coming over to dye my hair, which I’m really looking forward to. I can’t lie, I’m slowly getting addicted to becoming blonder and blonder. And who doesn’t love change, eh?

And so, as this month draws to a close, I would like to thank the universe for blessing me with yet another amazing growth-filled month of life. I travelled to a beautiful country with the two women I love the most on this earth, I got a raise and a huge work perk bestowed on me super early into my recent promotion in recognition of my hard work, I started once again on my amazing book collection, and I’m slowly beginning to reprioritize school the way that I’ve always wanted to. It’s been a good month.

I’m looking forward to everything February will have to offer! February will bring about reading week, more work hours, midterms, more assignments, spending more time with my friends and loved ones, possibly travelling for a couple days during reading week (IF IT’S FINANCIALLY FEASIBLE OF COURSE), more yoga and working out, and definitely more growth and learning, of course.

Until tomorrow then! (Or should I say, “until next month”… hehe).

Love always,

Me.

Day 27 – January 27th, 2018

Holy crap, I just realized that there’s only four days left in this month! I can’t believe how quickly this year is already beginning to fly, jeez.

Today’s going to be short and quick log because… I’m lazy, LOL.

I went to work today, and it was a good shift! It went by fast, and now here I am at home, where I’ve been binging Friends for the past like 3 hours or so. (I actually really like it! I feel like I’m finally being welcomed into a culture I never quite understood the appeal of).

Anyways… I think that’s all! Ou, I’m looking forward to the basketball game tomorrow with my friends! And this week is looking to be just as good as this past week was, so I’m excited.

That’s about all for today! Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

Day 24, 25, 26 – January 24th, 25th, 26th, 2018

I was doing so well with writing every day! But, I figured that I wouldn’t be able to find time to write because Wednesday night I went to Oshawa to sleepover at Anne and Raina’s, and yesterday I went straight from Oshawa to school and then to work and I worked until 9. Not to mention, I only got about two hours the night before because Anne, Raina and I stayed up until about 4 am just talking and catching up, which was sooooo much fun! I missed being around people and having basic human contact and really good conversation.

Anyways, let me wind my way back to Wednesday, because I met with Nadia and I got to write about my session with her!

It went really well – we caught up about what’s been going on with the family (things have been pretty stable as of late, minus dad’s deteriorating health). I told her how my dad drank a lot while we were in Antigua, and now we’ve been noticing that he’s always in pain, and he’s even beginning to lose grip in his hands and can’t hold or pick up things as well as he used to.

A part of me wonders if he’ll even live long enough to walk Olivia or I down the aisle, when either of us get married. It’s sad. He’s not a bad person, he’s just really ill and always has been. But I guess there’s only so much we can do, if he’s not willing or looking to help or save himself.

She agreed that it was really sad, but reaffirmed that it wasn’t my or anyone else’s fault for the way things have turned out.

After that, I asked if we could address how things have been going with school for me since she and I hadn’t talked about that in a while. I told her about how I’ve been worried about school because I’ve been starting to lose a little motivation again, and how that bugged me because every other aspect of my life was filled to the brim with motivation.

We figured out some short-term ways for me to start prioritizing school the way I’ve been prioritizing my self-care and self-growth, which helped a lot.

Then the conversation led to her asking me what I wanted to do after getting my degree, to which I admitted that I actually have no definitive ideas. I was just at a point where I wanted to get this done. I don’t hate school, and I love psychology, and I really want to see this through to the end.

She made me realize that that’s okay, because it could possibly be that on my journey, I’ll end up realizing which way I’m meant to go. To trust in the process.

The conversation got a little overwhelming and I ended up breaking down a bit, but she was patient while I cried. I’m in a much better place with myself now than I was two years ago, but it’s still tough sometimes trying to break out the mind frame that I’ve “fallen behind” or that I’m old and I’m aimless, while everyone else is starting to settle into their lives and careers. I’ve stopped comparing myself to other people for the most part, but even I get caught up in it sometimes. When you’re conditioned to think one way for a great majority of your life, it can be difficult to break out of those confines. But, I’m happy to come as far as I have.

She challenged my perspective of self – where I lamented that “I’m already twenty-five”, she emphasized that “I’m only twenty-five”; I’m still young, in my mid-twenties, on my own path and making my own way to where ever I’m going to end up. I’m doing everything I can for myself. She explained that even she herself only started her pathway to her a career as a psychotherapist in her early thirties.

I know I’m going to be okay. I just need to keep reminding myself that, to keep putting things into a perspective that reaffirms having faith in myself and my journey.

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.” That’s a quote I’ve happened to stumble upon recently, and it rings very, very true. It’s all a matter of perception and reaction, how I see things and the way I react to them.

Anyways, it ended up being a really good therapeutic session, and we’re scheduled for another one in about a month so that I can update her on my progress in regards to school, to see if I’ve implemented everything we talked about.

I really should start making school as much a priority as I do my self-care, growth, my job and my social life. Those things have flourished with the amount of time and care I’ve put into them (especially my self-love and self-respect and compassion), so imagine what I could do if I gave time to school instead of regarding it as a chore or a nuisance?

There’s even direct proof in how I started my driving lessons – at first, I dreaded them I put them off and saw them as an annoyance. After a couple lessons, my confidence grew and my perspective of them ultimately changed. Now, I miss them!! I want to learn how to drive! It was all a matter of leaving my comfort zone and doing what I knew would be best for me. (Speaking of those, my instructor is currently out of the country and will be coming back soon so I can begin again).

So, that covers my awesome session with Nadia. Honestly, I’m so glad I’ve met her and continued to see her. She reflects back at me all the things I want for myself, all the ways I can grow as a person and better my life. Meeting her made me glad that I hit rock bottom, that I was miserable and unhappy and anxious. If it wasn’t for that intense discomfort and unhappiness about my life, I never would have had the motivation to want to change things for myself. So, I am thankful for my bad days. They led to a consistent abundance of good ones. They led to a strength and sound sense of self. They led to me finally offering myself a helping hand, and not stopping until I picked myself up off of the ground to move forward.

Because I was able to seek help, every other aspect of my life flourished. I kind of imagine it as though I were a tree of some kind – my roots (my past, my struggles, my identity and sense of self) were poorly planted and weak. As a result, the tree I became reflected my roots – I was unhappy, and my “branches” (aspects of my self) were barren, unable to produce. This unhappiness and sense of self were projected and embodied in almost every aspect of my life, my “branches” – my relationships (destructive, co-dependent, mistrustful), my education (unable to focus, do well, constantly self-criticizing), and my own relationship with myself (self-doubt, insecure, constantly anxious).

But. The minute that I began to “water” myself a little (through the self-help books, talking to others, the reaching out for professional help), everything changed. The roots began to strengthen regardless of past damage. The “tree” that I am began to grow once more. And then by cutting off some of the branches that would never grow again (pruning), the other branches began to bloom with flowers and leaves of vibrant colours.

I was in so much emotional and mental anguish that I had no choice but to seek help. That tiny little flicker of self-care and self-love that made me reach out for help of any kind has now grown into a roaring flame of love for myself, self-compassion, motivation, faith, and happiness.

Now, every aspect of my life will reflect the exact same amount of love and care as I move forward. Never again will I settle for mistrustful, destructive or growth-less relationships. Never again will I ever put myself down, berate myself, or blame myself. Every morning when I wake up, I will look at myself with the exact same kind of love that I look at the people in my life with. And every other relationship I cultivate in my life will flourish accordingly.

And it all “stems” from self-love. (Hehe, get it? Stem, tree. I’m punny).

Wow, this part of the log turned out to be a lot longer than I realized it would LOL. It’s been a nice refreshing change though, from my other surface logs that merely touched upon the circumstances of my days.

But, now I’m beginning to run out of time and I have to get ready for work! So, I’ll come home and finish this up before I go to bed, I promise. Until later then!

I’m back!

So, where was I?

Ah yes. After my appointment with Nadia.

So after my appointment, I headed over to Oshawa to hang out with Anne and Raina and it was a lot of fun! I helped Raina with one of her projects for school, and then we headed back to their place to catch up and talk. We ended up staying up so late that we didn’t get a chance to do yoga the next day, but it’s okay! I honestly really love just being in their company because they have such good positive vibes, which is what I need to be around.

The next day, I headed to work and I got some amazing news. Not only am I getting three hundred dollars’ worth of anything I want from either Nars, Shiseido, or Laura Mercier products and cosmetics, I also got a raise!!!!!!! Maria told me that I deserve it, so she managed to wrangle all of that for me. I was so, so incredibly happy and so thankful. I’m so glad that Maria is my counter manager – she’s one of the hardest working women I’ve ever met, and truly a sweetheart once you get to know her.

Also, later that night, Luna finally gave me back my stuff. I was slightly dreading it, wondering how awkward it would be. But then as we were walking to her car, she talked about how ill she’s been lately and how it’s been concerning to her. And then I realized – she was just as nervous about walking with me as I was. So, I told her I hoped she felt better and I wished her well.

I really don’t want to be someone who harbours a grudge towards anyone in this life. Energy is already so precious and it’s not that easily expendable, I can’t afford to feed any negative thoughts or energy by holding onto resentment against someone.

I’m going to try better to continue to wish her well, smile at her happily and say hi, and disengage from conversations where the same old story gets repeated over and over. I’m  letting go.

Moving on now (literally, hehe), in reference to my last log, I got to see the universe work in its super cool way yet again. I talked about trusting in the process when it came to Dylan, and funny enough he messaged me Wednesday night.

It was to DM me about these amazing kimchi fries that we tried the last time we hung out at Han Ba Tan, which we both drooled over. I ended up asking him how his new serving job was going, which led to him explaining that it’s been taking up all his free time over the weekends and that’s why he never ended up asking me to hang out when I got back from Antigua.

I told him it was all good and I understood, but that if he was ever free in the week he could hit me up and he said he would.

Now, I doubt he will, but that’s okay. If you really want to see someone, you’ll make the effort. So if he wants to, he will. I’m good with it all because I really am trusting in the universe and I’m okay with whatever happens. I’ve finally let go and it feels so, so good to just go with the flow and let things happen as they do.

Anyways, I think I’ve covered about everything so far! I kind of miss the girls from work since I’m not working as much but I saw Dianne again at the training, Lianna is back from India finally, and I was texting Sera for a while because I was helping her to find a vacation package for her and her fiancé. And Marilyn’s planned a girl’s night for all of us next week, which I’m really looking forward to. I miss Sera! I haven’t seen her since early this year and it feels like forever. She was texting me before I left to Antigua too because she may be getting another tattoo and she asked for my tattoo artist’s information. (Literally the coolest mom ever).

My shift today breezed by so there isn’t much to talk about on it, so I guess I shall draw this log to its close. I’m working early tomorrow and it’s late now, so I should go get some shut-eye. This was a good log though!

Until tomorrow,

Love always,

Me.

Day 23 – January 23rd, 2018

Strange kind of day today! Well, not altogether strange, but the first part maybe. And maybe not “strange”, per se. More so… I’m not too sure what to call it.

Well, there I was, freshly worked out, getting ready for school, when Nick messaged.

All personal details aside, he had a routine colon check thingy and his test results came back from the Colon Cancer society as abnormal…

Well, he was kind laughing about it (because back when we used to date, we were super weird and we used to joke about that kind of stuff) but I encouraged him to go for further testing just to make sure all was good. So that was slightly worrisome.

We talked a little bit throughout the day and he asked if I was free, but turns out that he had to stay later at work so we didn’t get a chance to hang out. But hopefully we do soon so that I can tell him in person to take stuff like that more seriously.

Anyways, the rest of my day was relatively regular after that!

So back to what I was saying yesterday, about my dream; I get the gist of what it all meant, but what I wanted to touch upon was the fact that Dylan was distant and that I couldn’t get to him, and ended up giving up anyways.

Because, that directly reflects my waking-life situation with him right now.

Long story short, I kind of miss him! But not in the crush-induced way that I would have before, I actually genuinely mean in a friendship sense. If he were still working with me, at least by now he would have had some hours and I would have got to see him here and there. But now, things are different.

And, once again, fear is holding me back from reaching out and asking him to chill, but for a different reason altogether now. I respect that we’re friends, I’m glad that we are – but, I never got to convey that to him directly. What if by me reaching out, it seems like I’m still into him?

Okay… typing that out, it actually does seem a lot more ridiculous than it sounded in my head. I’m using fear as an excuse for my pride, if I’m being totally transparent, I know.

Life’s short, and it’s pretty simple. I give into my over-thinking a lot, I’ll admit. But there’s a simple solution to this. I miss him? I want to hang out? If I really did, then I’d message him. And same goes for him too.

If it’s meant to happen, it will, we’ll hang out eventually. But if I’m not planning on doing anything about it, then there’s no point in thinking about it.

Okay no, that’s kind of mean to say, to myself I mean. I’m supposed to be offering myself more compassion than that, and honestly beneath the clarity, I can feel myself being annoyed with my tendency to overthink. It bothers me that I want to be friends with someone when it feels like they don’t quite feel the same way, I guess, if I’m going to be totally and completely honest. My overthinking comes from a place of deep care, and I know that.

You know, it’s actually a lot harder to have faith and trust the process than it seems to be! But I really do want to have faith in this, that if we’re at least meant to be friends (which I would love), then we’ll figure out a way to be. And if we’re not, then we’re not.

So I’ll just trust in this process and believe that everything happens as it’s meant to.

I think that’s about all for today! I’m looking forward to a busy day tomorrow – I have my appointment with Nadia, class, and then I’m going to head to Oshawa to hang out with Anne and Raina! I can’t wait, it’s been so long.

I’ll find a moment to write tomorrow!

Until then,

Love always,

Me.

Day 22 – January 22nd, 2018

Hello! (I gave in today).

(Wow, I don’t know why but that felt amazing to do, LOL. Why am I so weird!?!?!)

It’s been a great Monday. I woke up early like I wanted to, I ran and worked out, I ate healthy, I replenished my contact lenses, and now I’m all set to go to basketball game with my friends this Sunday which I’m very much looking forward to! Also, I’ve started watching “Friends”, which probably isn’t the best idea given my tendencies to binge. But maybe I can figure out a way to watch it in a healthy, regulated fashion.

I’ve been doing some thinking. But before I get into it, I need to talk about a weird ass dream I had last night, what I think it means, and then follow with my thoughts on the matter. (Which I will not attach any weight to, since thoughts are fleeting and I know that. They don’t hold sway over me but I would like to sort them out in a proper manner and that’s partially what this log is for, to be honest with myself.)

So last night, I had this dream that I ended back up in Antigua, only this time at this wild and crazy resort for people around my age, in their twenties. And for some reason, I went back with my parents’ accountant named Justin (who I went to high school with and who “glowed up” quite nicely), a bunch of people from high school, Dylan and a friend of his, Avery, Dominque and her newborn baby, the daughters of my elementary school babysitter, and a whole bunch of other people from my past that I don’t remember.

Anyways, here are the things I remember most vividly and what pertain to my current thoughts: everyone was hanging out and the resort was really pretty, with rivers that led to bays which led to the ocean. And, I kept trying to find Dylan to hang out with him, and every time I saw him, it seemed to be from a distance, as though I couldn’t reach him. And he didn’t seem to care very much, so I stopped caring too and decided to do my own thing instead.

Well, the “next day” (I woke up, in my dream, as though I’d had a night of sleep!!!! SO WEIRD, this some inception shit I’m telling you), I legitimately felt hungover. (So fucking weird how real this felt – I could literally feel the fuzziness in my head, the dryness of my mouth as though I’d really been drinking and I’d really woken up in that resort).

And sitting at the foot of my bed, livid as hell, was Avery! He told me that I had been a disaster the night before, and I was like, “what are you talking about, no I wasn’t. I don’t remember anything at all.” And just as I was saying that, all the memories started coming back to me in flashbacks (TAKE IN HOW I’M STILL DREAMING AT THIS POINT BTW).

I remembered how I started pre-drinking with everyone from high school because there was this massive party bus that was taking everyone from the resort to an event. Only, I was drinking an entire bottle of white rum, to myself… yikes. I remembered that the security guard of the party bus literally tried to drag me off the bus by the back of my outfit, but I still managed to find my way on. I remembered ending up in Justin the accountant’s lap, acting super white-girl wasted, and there happened to be two little fluffy white dogs on the party bus that I couldn’t get over. I even remembered posting some ridiculously embarrassing snaps onto my story!!!! Which I promptly deleted. (How vivid was this dream, am I right!?!?!)

Anyways, Avery explained to me that he was the one who ended up cleaning up after me and making sure I didn’t die of alcohol poisoning (eventually, I started puking my guts up apparently) and he was cheesed. He had a serious talk with me, emphasizing that even though we’re friends, I can’t put him in a position like that again and I need to be more careful. I apologized profusely, and honestly, I think I woke up at this point out of sheer embarrassment.

Legit, I opened my eyes and had to convince myself that none of what I dreamt actually happened, LOL.

Anyways, I have to go now because Olivia has some homework to do, so I’ll finish this up tomorrow! Note to self, type earlier when you have time as to not monopolize Olivia’s laptop when she’s actually home, LOL. Until tomorrow then!

Love always,

Me.

Day 21 – January 21st, 2018

The urge to start to start off with “Hello” is absolutely overwhelming, goodness. I have no idea when that became such a habit, but eh. I’ve always had trouble starting things though, so maybe that’s my safeguard? Ah well.

ANYWAYS! So there was a change of plans today, Leila’s sister wasn’t feeling too well so the plans got cancelled, but it was all good! I think I made the most of this day off today – I organized my lipsticks, did a duet with Olivia, and I cut my own hair!!! LOL.

I was considering going for a trim but like… how hard can cutting hair be, right? That’s what I was thinking.

Well, it’s a lot harder than it looks (especially because when I started it looked like my first grade debacle all over again). [In the first grade, I took safety scissors in Mrs. Cirillo’s class and I cut myself some extremely choppy bangs. Mrs. Cirillo proceeded to put all of my cut hair into an envelope which she made me deliver to my parents, as punishment. That lady scared the shit out of me man.]

Well, once I got the hang of it, it didn’t turn out so bad! I successfully lobbed off about 3-4 inches of hair, and it looks fine to me. Of course, when Olivia gets home, I’ll have her inspect it thoroughly so she can make sure it’s mostly even, heh.

It feels a lot healthier now and I feel lighter. Strange how a little haircut can make you feel that way.

So, I’m ready for the week! I’m planning on it being extremely productive. I’m going to run and workout every other day to get back into it full swing, I have an eye doctor appointment tomorrow to finally replenish my contacts (I’ve been wearing the same pair since late November), I’ve got a good amount of work shifts at the end of this week, and I’m hoping to head to Oshawa to hang out with Anne and Raina, get some yoga in!

It’s going to be a good week. I’m going to be on my a-game, go to all my classes. Ou, AND! I totally forgot, but I have my appointment with Nadia this week too. I can’t wait to talk to her, it’s long overdue.

I’m also hoping to really get into my book this week too, Radical Acceptance.

That’s about all for today! I promise to continue writing as consistently as I have been. And hopefully, within one of these logs to come, I can actually sit down and connect with myself properly because lately I feel like I’ve been on autopilot and the days are beginning to blur again.

Until then,

Love always,

Me.

Day 20 – January 20th, 2018

I’m so lazy to write this, but I must! Even if it’s a little short one, I must write every day.

Today was a really nice day – I went to work for a little bit because the company wanted to recognize our efforts with a store-wide speech in the morning, and they gave us a bouquet of flowers each! It was so nice of them actually, to acknowledge our hard work.

After the speech thing, we all went for breakfast together and it was so nice to catch up and just talk. Me, Sharon and Dianne ended up staying for hours after just talking about everything and it made me so happy, I’ve missed social contact and hanging out with people.

After that, I headed home and I spent the rest of this day getting high, eating pizza, playing Guitar hero, binging episodes of The Office, and I finally got around to washing my makeup brushes like I’ve been meaning to for a while. All in all, it was the perfect day off.

I should probably start being more productive with my time but I feel like next week is going to be the week that I get back into it, for sure. I’ll start implementing all my routines and start cutting down on the show binging and time-wasting stuff.

That’s all for today! Tomorrow, I’m looking forward to hanging out with Leila and Shada! I’m also hoping I can cut my hair… a trim is long overdue.

In tomorrow’s log, I’ll talk about what I’m looking forward to coming up in the week because I miss doing that. It always set up my week so nicely. Until then,

Love,

Me.

Day 19 – January 19th, 2018

I don’t know why, but it bugs me that I have the urge to start off every log with a greeting without getting right into it. Why is that?

Ah, but I didn’t do it today, muahaha.

(Me @ me, why are you like dis?)

LOL, anyways!!! I work up today feeling a lot better than I did yesterday. The sun was shining, I got ready for work, I did my vision board, and everything was good. I think the post-vacation blues are slowly making their way out.

Work was also good; the shift went by really quickly and I had Sharon and some other folks to keep me company. I love that we spend so much time talking when there’s no one to sell to, because we all end up in some pretty good conversations most of the time.

So, I’m back on Tinder (mostly out of boredom, slightly out of curiosity), and I matched with this superbly good-looking Italian guy, with whom I now have a date for next Friday! I’ve never actually met anyone in person off of Tinder before… so this should be pretty interesting (if it does go through, LOL).

Honestly, I spent last year being so good to myself – making sure I spent time on my own to grow comfortable with my own company, learning on my own, growing as a person, and taking myself out on dates. I think it’s about high-time I start enjoying myself as a single person now! There’s no harm in having some fun, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

So we’ll see how things go!

Tomorrow morning, I have to go into work for a brief moment because the management team is doing a little announcement thing about how my team won our incentive trip to Italy. It’s nice that they asked me to be there, even though I’m not invited to go on the trip.

It gets a little frustrating sometimes at work with everyone asking me if I’m going or not. I have to keep reminding myself that I know my truth, I know my work ethic, and that I shouldn’t care what people think. I know people mostly feel sorry for me and I don’t want their pity but I can’t control it either, so why stress about things that I can’t control? I’ll just make sure to be watchful and aware of my own reactions.

Anyways, putting things into perspective, there’s much more important things in life than petty work dramas. I’m proud of my friends and happy for them. Dianne and Maria are Italian and they’ve never even been to Italy!!!!

I have yet another weekend off from work so I intend to enjoy the most out of it that I can (and hopefully get some studying in too). I should probably hit the hay a little early today since I’ll be up so early tomorrow.

I’ve been meditating every single night since I’ve got back from vacation and I’m so proud of me! I’m also proud of me for finding a moment to write every day, as I have been. The consistency has been so nice.

I have to start implementing some other habits now, such as running every other day and working out, as well as reading my book to stay centered and continue learning.

That’s about it for today! I’ll find a moment tomorrow, I’m sure. Until then!

Love always,

Me.

(P.S. I just realized that I use A LOT of exclamation points. I exclaim a lot of sentences. I guess I’m just a naturally excited person? Imagine if I only ever used periods. Like this. The tone in which I’m reading this in my head has suddenly gone so much more flat. And monotone. But when I type like this!!! All of a sudden, the voice in my head is so much happier!!! Strange, how punctuation can change things eh? Okay, that is all. Goodbye now!)