Day 56 to 58 – February 25th, 26th & 27th, 2019

Hello! To meeeeeee. It’s been a couple days since I wrote a log, so I figured I’d check in with myself and see how I’m doing. It’s a snow day today, but I did go to half my class – yay me! LOL.

I also did a pros and cons list today while I was in class that I wanted to talk about. I was sitting in class when I started feeling kind of unsettled and I started wondering whether or not I really wanted to finish my degree. I feel like I keep asking that question and I don’t really take the time to come up with the answer.

Another thing I’ve noticed – I’ve been trying extra hard to distract myself lately, and I’m not sure from what. Boredom, maybe? I still don’t think I’ve fully recuperated from my travel-blues yet. Just a week ago, I was in Dallas airport eating some fro-yo with my legs all comfy in Adrian’s lap while we waited for our delayed flight. Le sigh.

Anyways – I did a pros and cons list like: pros/cons of NOT finishing my degree, vs pros/cons of FINISHING my degree. Turns out the category that weighed out all the others was the pros for finishing, which isn’t surprising I suppose. And the cons in each category were about the same – if I finish, I come out with a ton of debt and no guarantee of a job, not to mention I’ll be a lot closer to my 30’s with a butt ton of debt. The cons of not finishing were that I’d most likely be kind of disappointed in myself, and my mom would be devastated, and it might not be too easy to get a job either way. I guess the cons of not finishing weight out the cons of finishing? It depends on perspective though.

I asked myself what I want and the answer is always the same: I want to travel the world, whenever and however I want. That’s my deepest dream, my biggest desire. I’d make a career out of it if I could, or at least pursue a career that allowed me to do this as much as I could, in order to have a life here.

I’m not sure how my degree factors into that equation. But I mean… after all this time, is it worth it to give up now? I’ve spent years in school, not really trying to “finish” per se, but trying to make up my mind (and this how now become a very costly decision).

I do like psychology. It’s always been a very fascinating subject to me. And I do enjoy school, and learning. It’s the whole application of all that where I struggle somehow. If I could maybe fix that – work on my discipline, attention span and dedication whilst learning to separate my personal feelings about it all (how difficult it might be, how long it’s taken, etc.) then maybe I could get through this in a timely manner.

I wouldn’t mind having that degree under my belt. I don’t know where it could take me but at least it’ll give me options.

Whatever is meant to be shall be. I believe that as I continue down this journey of understanding what I want from my life and how I’d like to it to be, that the answers I seek will come to me. I have every faith in that.

Anyways – this week has been going well. Bea seems to be adjusting okay, and I really want to help her find a job because she seems to be kind of bored and doesn’t have much to do around home. And she even said that keeping busy will help her with her home sickness too, so the sooner the better.

Friday I finally have plans with Avery – he called me a little while ago just to catch up a little, asked me about my trip and how everything was going. We didn’t get a chance to hang out before I left because we keep having these weekly scheduled snowstorms, LOL. I haven’t seen him since like last year, so hopefully it doesn’t feel weird or anything! Not that it ever does feel weird when we hang out, even if it is after a long while. We’ll see how it goes! I get to start discerning whose energy feels right in my life as of now.

It seems like I’m going to be getting plenty of hours this month, which is great! But also I have like 3 exams this month LOL. So I’m definitely going to have to take school a little bit more seriously this month and start studying properly. Especially because they’re like one after the other. Le sigh.

I wonder if I can get Adderall from somebody LMFAO. I’ll see what I can do.

ANYWAYS! How am I?

Well, yesterday I found a whole bunch of amazing books – on crystals, chakras, tarot cards, and kindness. And at the same time, two books on intuition I ordered have also come in! So I have plenty of reading material for March when I need to take a break from studying.

You know what? I think I’m going to make a pact with myself right now. Starting March 1st – no more Netflix. Like binging – if I have an off night or a date night and I’m watching a movie, that’s okay. But no more of this wasting hours upon hours of watching the same shows, wasting my time, and then wondering where it went.

I’m officially declaring March to be a “grind month”. School and work will be the priority, along with building myself (good habits, exercising discipline, focusing on saving, meditation, etc.) I’m going into hibernation mode muthafuckaaaaasszzzzzz! Okay that was unnecessary but also yes.

And then when April begins and my parents leave to Sri Lanka, I’m going to party all month LMFAO. Let’s gooooo!

Okay I’m excited. Tomorrow is the last day of this month, and yes I have plans Friday night and Saturday night, but come next week I’m going to be in full-on study mode.

Anyways, I think that’s about all for today. I’m excited for this upcoming month! February honestly just breezed by in the blink of an eye.

The end of this month will mark a year since Adrian came into my life. And April 10th will be a year since our first date. Man, time flies. And at the same time, it feels weird to be that it’s only been a year because I feel like I’ve known him forever. I still remember how it felt walking back into Elizabeth’s apartment after our first date – my legs felt all numb and tingly after we hugged, and the dazed, faraway look on my face made both my mom and my sister question if I was okay, LOL. I actually had to sit down.

You think that your soul knows when something monumental happens? Because that’s what that felt like. How do you explain a reaction that big and consuming without quite knowing where it comes from, you know?

Le sigh. It’s been such a wonderful year.

Well, I think I’ll spend the rest of today maybe reading some of my new books, or taking a nice hot bubble bath. A little bit of me-time will do me some good.

I’m happy and I’m thankful that I’m happy.

Love always, every day, and in every way,

Me.

Day 34 – February 3rd, 2019

Okay, as happy as I am that I’m writing consistently every day, these short little logs have got to go. I need to allot a certain amount of time per day to write out a proper log or else I’m doing this for nothing.

Luckily, I’m off tomorrow which means I can sit down and write a good and proper and honest log.

I don’t like that I feel like I’m forcing myself to do this at the moment for the sake of consistency so I’m going to cut this short and write properly tomorrow.

Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 31 – January 31st, 2019

Just before this day ends and before I go to sleep – today was so great! I woke up in a better mood, didn’t watch a single show, I took my vitamin D supplement like I said I would, I cooked and listened to music, my Himalayan Salt lamp came in, I did my exam (which was surprisingly easy!) and then to celebrate, Olivia and I spontaneously got high and went to Dave ‘N’ Busters to play arcade games til’ close LMAO.

All in all, it was a fantastic day. So much better since I didn’t binge on shows or waste my time!! I’m glad I was much more productive today, I could visibly see the difference in how I felt.

Anyways, that’s about it for today. It was the perfect way to end this month, but I’m ready for February now!! And this weekend is already starting off with a bang – today was DNB with Olivia, tomorrow I’m hanging out with Chad and Krystal, and Saturday I’m hanging out with Adrian, Leila and Cory. Busy weekend but it’ll be nice to be out of the house (the weather is even getting a little warmer thank god).

That’s about it! I will write tomorrow when I get a chance to, even if it’s a short log like this. The impulse was so strong today, which is so so good.

Thank you Universe for a wonderful day!

Love always,

Me.

Day 30 – January 30th, 2019

I wonder if it’s the weather that has me feeling all moody these days. I love snow and winter but lately it’s just… man, I miss the sun and the warmth. Maybe I should start taking my Vitamin D supplements again.

I’m in a funk and I need to snap out of it! Is it being home so much? Is it the energy here? What is it about this place? Maybe it’s just me. Man.

I don’t like the way I sound. If I were outside myself, what would I say to me?

“Just choose to be happy. Be grateful.” To that I would say, “I am! I swear! I am happy, I am grateful!”

Emotions are weird. Feeling is weird. We attach so much weight to a bunch of neurochemicals, hormones and nerve impulses and shape our reality around them. We’re literally just a soup of chemistry.

Of course, we’re the one who attach meaning to our “feelings”. Good, bad, etc. Suppose I take those connotations away and what am I left with?

Well, I’m listless. Can’t focus. I’m bored, restless. I feel sluggish and my mind feels cloudy and muddy. If I take away “good/bad” then those things just are, I guess. Then it becomes a matter of how I change those states, instead of sitting here and just being with those feelings.

Here’s what I know I need to do: I need to get up. I need to start moving around, working out again. I need to stop sitting and binging shows because oh my god my eyes and my brain are going to pour out of my ears and all over the floor if I binge one more goddamn show. (Sex Education was pretty damn good though, I definitely recommend it).

I think the fact that I haven’t been working as much is also adding to all this. I’m mismanaging all this time I’ve been given and therein not really being productive or doing anything for me.

On the bright side, at least I’m being fairly consistent about meditating, writing, even using my diffuser to fall asleep and get some good rest and clear whatever allergens are in the air that make me so goddamn sniffly and sneezy when I’m home. Oh, I got a Himalayan pink salt lamp!! That’s also a good start, apparently it has a ton of benefits like improving mood, blood circulation, it has negative ions that cancels out the positive ions that cellphones, computers and other electronics give out, it gets rid of allergens in the air, and creates an overall positive atmosphere, so I’m looking forward to getting that tomorrow.

I’ll start doing the vitamin D again too. I’m honestly so terrible at remembering to do things but if I can just learn to make it a part of my daily routine and make it stick, then I won’t forget.

Mentality wise – it’s about time I start getting back into my reading. Yes it’s winter and yes it’s cold so yes it’s harder for me to go out and do things. But that doesn’t mean I should waste away all my time at home doing nothing. All those hours spent binging Netflix could have very easily been chanelled into reading chapters from my book, studying, writing more, organizing my room, little self-care rituals, literally anything but just binging. Maybe I will ask Olivia to change the password as she was threatening to do so before LOOOL.

This really is a constant battle inwards and upwards eh? I’ve been getting so lazy and complacent in maintaining myself and my needs and it really shows, it really makes a difference.

I can’t wait until February. I’m going to get more hours, I won’t have exams to stress me out (which will give me enough time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me), I have my trip with Adrian to look forward to, reading week, and I also have some goals I’d like to achieve for myself – namely, finishing that petition.

I’ll take every single fresh start that I can get.

Anyways, time has once again eluded me and now it’s late. I’m going to head to bed and get a proper night’s sleep for the first time this week. Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.

Day 29 – January 29th, 2019

Hello! Okay so today I was feeling a little anxious/low but you know what’s good to realize? Everything is impermanent, temporary, and this feeling shall also pass. I think it was a residual effect from yesterday but also from the fact that my exam is tomorrow and once again, I could barely bring myself to study. Somewhere far off in the back of my mind, there’s some alarm bells going off but they’re so far away I can barely hear them, and BELIEVE ME I know how insane that sounds because I’m literally sitting here with my books and notes open in front of me and even then found a good 10-20 reasons to get up out of this chair and wander away to do something.

It’s fine. It’s fine. I have more chances to salvage my mark for this course (which isn’t really how I should be thinking in all honesty, I know that) and it’s a psych course so chances are I’ll at least know 60% of the course material by fluke anyways so. There’s that. It’s all going to be fine, and I’m going to be fine, I’m going to figure this out and rewire these goddamn impulses if it’s the last thing I do.

Good news though!!! I GOT MY RAISE MOTHAFUCKAASSSSS!!!! Maria messaged me today this morning to let me know she spoke to our company rep about getting me a raise, fought for my case and how hard I’ve worked this past year, and I GOT IT!!! I’m so utterly and completely thankful to Maria, the Universe and my rep for this. I put it out there but I didn’t really take it upon myself to manifest or work towards it, and either way it happened. I’m so grateful.

January is slowly coming to its close, so I took a look at my agenda today for the month and you know what? It was actually a pretty busy month, despite the fact that I didn’t really have work! I’ve been out every weekend doing stuff with different people, I’ve gone to like 348394853948 doctor’s appointments and have gone to the hospital 94838534 times and I’ve been keeping up with my classes too, attendance wise.

So I guess it makes sense that I really didn’t get a chance to completely finish my book, or do anything for myself personally (minus the habits I’m trying to implement). Speaking of those – this past weekend I broke my streak pretty badly for my skincare regimen, meditating, AND writing – which are all very important things to me and integral to my own external self-care. That may be a part of why my mood has taken a dip lately too. Also, I don’t remember the last time I’ve done anything by myself, for myself. Like taking myself out to dinner or a movie, or just hiding away somewhere quiet to smoke a joint and listen to music even.

Here’s a new rule I’m going to stick by – for those habits, if I go more than 2-3 days without doing those things, then I’m back to day 1 of the 21-day habit formation phase. I’m not going to consider it towards my 90-day lifestyle check-in if there are periodic breaks in the habit-forming phase. So, yesterday counts as Day 1, which means that Day 21 will be… February 18th, smack dab in the middle of my New Orleans trip.

I meditated while I was in Hawaii and it was great. I have to do the same in NOLA, someway, somehow. That’s where my discipline will be tested the most, I’m sure.

If Adrian can get up in the middle of watching a movie with me to do sit-up’s and push-up’s because he missed a day at the gym (which I admire the hell out of – his discipline is incredible, honestly), I sure as hell can train myself to NEED meditation and have these logs be a natural urge than a forced impulse. I can do this.

Well, that’s all for today! I’ll write tomorrow after my exam… wish me luck? Heh.

Oh wait – my CAT scan went well today! It was a little nerve-wracking at first because they left me with a needle and a tube in my arm for like an hour and MAN despite the amount of tattoos I have, I DO NOT like needles. And then when they put me into the machine, I had to calm myself down by focusing on my breathing because I wasn’t allowed to move or open my eyes for the duration of the scan. I could feel the moment they started pumping the contrast ink into bloodstream through the IV, it was such a weird feeling! But at least that’s over with now.

I hope these last rounds of testing will be the last I have to go to the doctor’s/hospital. My nodes swelling have gone down so much (thank goodness) and I rarely get the fatigue/chills anymore. Now it’s just a matter of figuring out what the heck happened/is happening and moving forward from there.

All good stuff! Lots to look forward to, plenty to do, lots of good to come. And right now, right here in this moment, all is well, and that’s all I can really ask for.

Stay present.

Love always,

Me.

Day 26, 27, 28 – January 26th, 27th & 28th, 2019

Hello! I missed a couple logs this past weekend because I spent it with Adrian, but I’m back home now (and out of the snow – there’s currently about 20-30 centimeters coming down with no mercy at the moment).

It’s been such an amazing weekend! So from the start – meeting Radha’s new guy was nice. He has a very interesting vibe, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I must say he is definitely very up front about who he is and makes no apologies for it whatsoever, which I respect. He’s also very in tune with his spirituality and is very adept at being present, which I think will be good for Radha in the long run if she can learn to go with the flow the way that he does. We’ll see how it goes!

The next day, I headed over to Adrian’s area so that we could go to the gym together. His gym is massive, complete with several pools, infrared and steam saunas, even a hot tub! It was so relaxing to just sit in the hot tub with him, we even stayed in the pool for about an hour and I swam some laps.

After that, we went grocery shopping together because he wanted to make pizza from scratch (have I mentioned how lucky I am to be dating an Italian guy? Actually, I’m just lucky in general, hehe).

It was the perfect night in – we made the pizza together, binged on some Netflix (finished “You” and started that new docu-series on Ted Bundy) and I rolled some joints for us (that actually came out quite well, if I do say so myself).

The next day I started gearing up to leave before he had work in the afternoon but on a happy circumstance, I was able to stay another day/night. Luckily I’d brought some books and notes, so I decided to study for the exams I have this week while he worked his soccer game.

Only, half way through his game, I started getting really sleepy (and he wasn’t joking about the couch in his basement – it IS that comfortable) and I ended up falling asleep. A couple moments later, I woke up briefly to find him tucking me in with a cozy blanket so that I’d be warm and comfortable and my heart melted.

I ended up taking a quick nap while he worked, and after he finished his shift and I woke up, we had dinner together and watched some more stuff on Netflix. Honestly, I love staying in, being lazy and cuddling with him just as much as I do all the cool date activities we get up to when we go out. It’s just so nice to be home in the warmth sometimes, you know? I’m just as much house cat as I am impulsive outdoor kitty.

And I appreciate so much when we get to fall asleep/wake up next to one another. Sometimes I can’t fall asleep because I’m just too happy to be sleeping next to him, as cheesy as that may sound heh. He usually knocks out before I do, and he ends up falling asleep on my shoulder or cuddled up against me with no problem. In fact, even when we are sleeping, we’re always finding someway to touch or be entwined, which I love.

I remember so distinctly how Nick would never really cuddle – he never “saw the point” or the appeal of it. So on the chances we did fall asleep together, I’d always end up trying to cuddle his back or scooch closer to him because he’d always turn away and move further. I think that’s why I appreciate how much Adrian enjoys being close with me, as equally as much as I enjoy being close to him.

This morning when we woke up, he was telling me how much good I’ve brought to his life and that he had no idea he could be this lucky. He said he’s more lucky than he can even begin to imagine, with me. I told him that he means the world to me, and that no one’s ever made me feel like this, so appreciated and cared for, and he assured me it was the least he could do. I told him I never really had it this good before and that’s why I appreciate him so much.

We really have had it so good for the past 10 months that we’ve been seeing one another. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year, and yet it seems like it hasn’t been that long either. I’m so happy we’ve met though, and I told him that as well. That I’m excited to adventure with him, to learn and grow with him.

I constantly have to keep reminding myself that everything I do is a choice. Every feeling I give energy to, every thought I decide to pick out and focus on, those are all choices. And even though I can’t control what the future holds, I know I definitely have a hand in shaping my reality and you know what? I can see this guy being end-game for me, I really can. Again, don’t know what the future holds and I know people change and all of that. But in this meanwhile, in this present moment, that’s how I want to focus on this. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t want to entertain any ideas to the alternative, I don’t want to imagine the worst or imagine the “other shoe dropping”. I worked for this, I manifested this, I’ve been waiting for this and now I have it. I’m not going to let fear warp or change the way I see how good I have it with Adrian.

^ and that’s what I want to remember moving forward, no matter what comes my way. How good it feels to be wrapped up in his arms when he’s holding me tight, how happy he makes me, how he makes me laugh, how he literally just looks at me and smiles so contentedly, how he makes it so clear that he cares about me without trying to hold me down or hold me back, how he encourages me and my whims and my dreams equally, how supportive he is of my spiritual, mental, physical and emotional well-being, and so, so much more. He gives me the freedom I need to be me and cherishes all the things that I entail.

Like that flower metaphor – if I were a flower, instead of trying pick me (thereby breaking my roots and killing my growth) so that he could have me (possession borne from attachment), he’s giving me the space to grow and flourish while tending to me where and when he can in order for me to grow as healthily and beautifully as I can (freedom born from assurance and awareness).

That is all I’ve ever wanted. In my other relationships, I’ve been picked and held way too tightly, and then I was neglected and left to wilt. All I’ve ever wanted was the freedom to be me, to grow, to learn on my own terms, and be with someone who could support, encourage, and appreciate that.

And I have that now. I won’t jeopardize that, not with fear or holding back or trying to be perfect or any other self-sabotaging habits I used to engage in.

Anyways, that’s it for this past weekend! We’re both really excited for our New Orleans trip coming up in less than three weeks, and counting down the days until we take off.

This week I have two exams, my company is hosting a dinner for the team and I also have my CT scan. So it’s going to be a busy week, but I’m looking forward to it. They actually called me today and schedule the CT scan – I tried to maneuver it so that I had it later in the week when I’m more free, but they wouldn’t let me because apparently it was a priority requisition so I had no choice but to squeeze it in tomorrow morning before/during my work shift. I let Maria know I’d be late but honestly, health comes first above all so it doesn’t really matter what she would have said (no offence to her of course).

There’s something I want to write about, but I’m struggling to type it out because I’m having trouble being transparent with myself at the moment. Mostly because I think I feel guilty? Before I jump the gun though, I may as well explain.

I had my whole day to myself today. Not to mention, I had the whole house to myself. It was quiet, brightly lit, a perfectly conducive environment to get some studying done, right?

I did anything but.

I ate, watched shows, shovelled the driveway twice, got all my work set up and left it where it was, and started this log… at least 4 hours ago. I kept getting distracted and getting up and that’s why I’ve been writing as long as I have.

My procrastination was a choice, and that’s why I feel guilty. I can’t seem to separate my personal feelings of distaste or my aversion to studying – but the crazy thing is, I actually enjoy school! I enjoy learning!!! Why do I have so much trouble starting these things, why do I do everything and anything I can do to avoid it when I know full-well I NEED to study and my entire degree is on the line if I don’t do well?!?!?!

I keep telling myself, “just do it, just grin and bear it, set aside your feelings about it and do it”, but I didn’t. Is that a choice too? Well yes, it is, but why do I feel the way I feel about studying? Why can’t I sit for more than thirty minutes without feeling like I need to get up and walk around or look at my phone or do anything other than study? How is it that I can focus perfectly well on anything I enjoy, but when it comes to studying or even sitting through one entire log, I can’t seem to do that?

I wasted this whole entire day when I could have gotten so much work done, so much. But I chose not to. It’s almost scary, the level of apathy I feel towards it until it’s too late. It’s almost like a dissociative state.

Have I not hit that point of no return where I know I can’t do this to myself anymore? That’s what led me to looking inwards, to trying to better my life in all the aspects I could right? So why haven’t those changes I made stuck in terms of this aspect of my life?

Maybe it’s because I spent so much time not prioritizing school that those are the neural pathways I’ve solidified? How do I re-wire those impulses and reactions? I did EMDR therapy to re-wire my old thought processes regarding how I perceive myself and that worked wonders, but I guess I never really addressed my struggles or feelings in regards to school.

Maybe that’s something I can take on this year. Maybe that’s the thing that I need to take on this year. My attention span when it comes to school (or lack thereof), and the deeper connotations behind that struggle. It’s been a recurring theme for most of my life and I used to chalk it up to a lot of what was going on in my life before – the up and down’s with my dad and family, my anxiety, my lack of discipline, even the big external things like being cheated on or when I got hit by the car.

But now that I’ve spent the last two years clearing away a lot of that mental/emotional rubble, I’m still here feeling like this and stuck in this loop of apathy/anxiety when it comes to school, studying, tests, you name it. It’s time to get to the root of it, once and for all. And I know the only place I can start is with me, by going inwards, by being completely honest with myself.

Because I can’t do this to myself anymore. The same way I was so tired of feeling numb on a constant basis two years ago, and finally took my life into my own hands to help myself and grow in self-love, it’s time to do the same in this aspect too. This is also a part of my self-love journey.

I’ve already decided that I want this degree for myself, for me. If I’m struggling with any of the residual feelings or ideas that I’m only doing this to make my parents happy, or that I don’t really know what I’m going to do after, or that I don’t really want to do this at all and that I’d rather drop out, then those are themes/feelings I need to deal with head-on, work through, and work with in order to get to the main healthy feeling that’s fueling why I’m still in school and why I’m still trying to get this degree.

If I have the capacity to be aware that my desire to procrastinate is a choice, then I can very well decide to do what I can re-wire those neural pathways and old habits and do better for myself, because I deserve better than this same cycle.

I have to really want though. I know from experience that this can’t be some fleeting burst of motivation of wanting more and then ultimately not doing anything about it at all. So, what can I/am I going to do differently? Where am I going to start?

Let’s see… okay so for now, I have these two exams coming up. All I can really do now is try, once again, to set aside my personal feelings when it comes to studying and get some work done. Make a schedule, drink that coffee, put away my phone (or throw it out the window better yet) and use my agenda properly. Catch myself when I try to stray and ask myself why I feel the need to do so and if it’s necessary. Exercise more discipline when it comes to “study breaks” – how long they are and what I do with them.

These are all short-term solutions I can implement in the meantime. Long-term wise?

I think I need to dedicate a whole log to some introspection regarding this topic. Really dig deep and getting into the nitty-gritty, the way I did in my therapy sessions with Nadia. It was ugly, hard, I cried a lot, I had to work through so much pain, but in the end I was so much better for it and no longer held back by myself or old thought processes. I need to do the same in this case too, I believe. And I want to try to do so by myself with everything I’ve been equipped with and everything I’ve learnt. But if I can’t get to the bottom of it by myself, then I’ll contact Nadia again. I’ll even speak to my family doctor about maybe getting assessed for ADD like I’ve been recommended to do, time and time again.

This was such a good log! I’m glad I was honest with myself, I assuaged a lot of the anxiety I was feeling about it and this day by just being honest and confronting these feelings head-on.

Today was a write-off, and that’s okay. I’m not going to get anywhere if I continue to berate myself and feel guilty. On that same note though, I can’t just let this keep happening without addressing it or accepting the consequences of not figuring this out.

One thing at a time. I’ve got this. I believe in myself, I really do. Everything’s going to be okay.

Anyways, this was a nice long log but I think it’s time to wrap it up! I’ve got to get some rest because I’ve got a long day tomorrow.

I’ll write when I get that chance to!

Love always,

Me.

Day 25 – January 25th, 2019

Hello! So I’m currently at a coffee place somewhere close to work with Radha, and we’re doing work together and being productive! I actually had the urge to study today and I’m really glad that she agreed to it too. This is good for us, even though we’re currently a work in progress on some fronts, we can at least still encourage each other in beneficial ways.

I’m taking a quick study break to write out a quick log. Today was good! Work went by in a flash and it was a lot of fun – Sola and I had an impromptu selfie-photo shoot and then ended up listening to really sad music and I also sang for her, LMAO. Pretty much our friendship in a nutshell; we go from playful and laughing to deep talks real quick, depending on the mood.

Sera came by to visit and I was able to catch her for a few brief moments, which was really nice! She told me she had an incredible time on her trip and loved Hawaii, which made me really happy. I’m so glad she conquered her fears of flying solo and made the trek out there.

She told me how much she and Dylan loved my favourite place in Hawaii and how Dylan actually took her to that spot twice. She also happened to mention that Dylan bought me a gift while he was travelling.

So he does intend to hang out at some point in time, and bearing a gift no less. I’m sure it’s just in a friendly way and I look forward to when we do! That’s a really nice gesture on his behalf. I can’t help but wonder what it might be, in all honesty.

Continuing in that same vein of honesty, I’m not really sure what I feel about that. Admittedly when Sera told me that, my stomach flipped a little bit. Maybe I need some closure? I never really did get any last year per se – I remember writing one last log full of tons of questions about why he never felt the same way as I did, but then I met Adrian and walked right into that with no holds barred. Maybe that’s why these things are happening as they are. We’ll see what’s to be.

Anyways, I should probably get back to studying! I really wanted to get a head start today because Adrian asked me to come with him to his gym tomorrow so that we can take advantage of the pool, the hot tub and the infrared sauna that he has access to there. I can’t wait! I honestly love that he plans little dates like these – they range from staying in and being cozy to going out all dressed up to activity stuff for us to do together. It’s never a dull moment with him and I appreciate so much that he plans things for us to do as equally (if not moreso) as I do.

That’s about it! I’m just going to keep going with the flow and see where it takes me.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 24 – January 24th, 2019

Okay today for real, is going to be a short log. It’s been a super long day full of lots of running back and forth for different errands, all worth it but all very tiresome.

I think I’m not managing my time efficiently. I have a little to-do list building up that I would like to take care of, but I don’t seem to be doing so. Time to exercise that trusty discipline I’m working on I suppose.

On the bright side, I did accomplish everything I set out to do today (including maintaining my personal habits that I’ve committed to) so I’m happy about that!

Next week will be busy with exams but I’m looking forward to it. It’ll keep me busy and I’m motivated to do as well as I can on them.

Anyways, that’s about it for today! I’ll write tomorrow after work.

Love always,

Me.

Day 23 – January 23rd, 2019

Hello! Short quick log today, it’s been a long day and I want to sleeeeeep.

I’m feeling restless lately. I can’t put my finger on it and I’m not quite sure what it is. I’m happy and I’m grateful for my… “routine”? But also… I’m… bored, I think.

I’m not sure what I’m searching for or what I need honestly. Just pulled the whole “impulsive hair dye” thing (hello again, blue-purple) and that kind of helped but nope, that ain’t it.

Is it my wanderlust maybe? I wasn’t really made to keep my feet on the ground honestly, and it’s been over 4-5 months since I’ve travelled last – which isn’t a lot really, but for me it kind of is I suppose.

Is it my choice to feel discontent? Am I discontent because I’m learning to be at peace and this is my ego-self’s way of seeking the “drama” that allows it to remain firmly rooted in itself, in its identity? Am I longing for more because I don’t know how to be still yet?

Or am I looking for more because I know there’s more? And what is this “more” I seek? Is it my book? Am I feeling this way because I’m not working quite towards any particular goal or fulfilling task? Is it because my days have begun to blur together again? Am I drifting? Am I losing the “why”, the reasons I began on this path inwards? What am I searching for?

I want to feel, but not in a ego-driven, attachment-riddled, forest-fire kind of way. I want the feeling sand between my toes gives me, or the feeling you get at the breath-taking sight of sunrise over a horizon where water meets the sky. That kind of peace is complete in itself.

Which begs the question, why am I not at peace now? What is causing my dissatisfaction in this moment? My inner voice says a lack of gratitude – in the desire for this “more”, this promised land or sparkling oasis, I fail to appreciate where I am right now and therefore cause my own disillusionment.

am happy, though. I’m happy to go to work, happy to go to school, happy in those quiet moments I find for myself when I tuck away somewhere to read a couple chapters of my book. I’m happy when I spend time with the people I care about and I’m happy when I’m by myself doing absolutely nothing.

I hate that society has imbued us with this notion that we have to constantly be doing something, striving for something, working towards something on a constant basis or else you’re not fulfilled or successful. Ambition is programmed into us as though it is a quality we cannot live without, like compassion or kindness. Now those are important qualities.

And don’t get me wrong – I know ambition and motivation are important, I know they’re not “bad” qualities per se. To quote one of my favourite shows, “we need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts.”

I’m just saying we’ve been so programmed to constantly be moving towards something or some goal external to us – high school diploma to university or college degree to job to money to house to bills to marriage to family (and sadly not even for the sole sake of having kids but because we were told we have to do these things) and this same cycle of money and bills repeat over and over and over until we retire and die. All because this is what we’ve been taught is a “fulfilled life”.

But you know, maybe it is for some – I don’t want to bash this lifestyle completely because some people can actually turn it into something worthwhile by just taking it all as it comes and doing the best they can. I just don’t know if it’s the lifestyle I want for me.

So yeah, back to my train of thought – maybe that’s why I can’t sit still or just be for more than a couple moments before I start to wonder what “more” I can be doing with myself, or “what’s next”. Because it’s literally in my neural wiring to not be present; to be fixated on the future or the next moment or even what’s to come tomorrow. I don’t know how to be here, right now, and stay here.

The reason I began my journey inwards, the reason I learnt about meditation and read as many books as I have is because I wanted to learn how to be present, stay present, and be at peace. Because I wanted to stop the way my emotions and thoughts dragged me around like a wild unbridled horse. Because I wanted to get a hold of my anxiety and my fears. Because I wanted to learn how to love myself so completely that that love shone into every other aspect of my life.

I think I have to remind myself that these reasons aren’t just little checkmarks on some invisible list. These are life-long processes that I have to nurture, maintain, and put effort into on a constant and conscious basis. Just because I’ve made massive strides on a lot of these things doesn’t mean I’m done – that idea will lead to complacency, and inevitably the very disillusionment and restlessness I’ve been grappling with as of late.

…well. LOL, every time I say I’m going to type a short log I end up writing everything that goes on in my head and it turns into a long log. This is good though, this means the book I’m reading is making me think, it’s challenging me more than I thought it was and it’s making me ask questions I haven’t asked myself in a while.

It’s good to ask yourself from time to time why you’re doing what you’re doing, what you want/need for yourself and where those motivations stem from. That kind of self-awareness allows you to make decisions and act from a place of clarity instead of mindlessly doing the same things over and over in a muddy haze of confusion and autopilot state.

I feel a lot better. This is what my life is right here, right now, right this moment. Not a second from now, not a minute from now, not what I’m about to do or what I’ve just done. It’s right here, this moment exactly. And right here, right now, I am happy. I am grateful. I am present.

And that is all, at this moment.

Love always,

Me.

Day 18, 19 & 20 – January 18th, 19th + 20th, 2019

Hello! So it’s kinda late and I know I missed a couple logs this weekend, and I didn’t want to go to bed without banging out a real quick one.

This weekend has been so much fun!!! Friday I spent the night with Adrian at a hotel, and Saturday night was Anne’s birthday which turned into a spontaneous night out to Dave N’ Busters!! Olivia and I ended up crashing at Anne’s and we just got home today.

I have lots to write – Adrian and I had a wonderful time together and I definitely want to make a mental note about the lady who commented on us in the elevator, and I definitely want to talk about the fun shenanigans we all got up to last night. All in due time!

Tomorrow is going to be equally amazing because I’m actually going to the spa with my girls from work!! It’s this really nice place that has a salt cave and sauna and they offer massages and facials and what not. I can’t wait to relax and detox with some of my favourite ladies, it’s going to be so much fun!

I’m sure I’ll find a moment to catch up and write some time tomorrow, but for now I’m going to bring this to a close, meditate and get some rest.

Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.