Day 212, 213, 214, 215 – July 31st, August 1st, 2nd, & 3rd

Today is the day! It’s officially Thursday, August 3rd, the day of my date. I’m excited and nervous, but also calm at the same time? It’s hard to explain.

I kept telling myself to write these past couple days but honestly, they flew by so quickly and a lot has happened so I’ve been really busy. I’ll go back to Monday and work my way over to today so that I don’t miss anything.

Okay so Monday! Monday was the day that my mom and I went to the Caledon temple for an incredible meditation session with a monk who was very well known in Sri Lanka. It was such an amazing experience – I got to hear about the experience of a girl who actually went pretty far in terms of her meditating. She saw different colours, felt herself moving forward past these colours to the point her physical self was out of breath and sweating. So amazing!

I myself experienced something along those lines; when I first started meditating, I was getting frustrated at myself because I felt I wasn’t doing it right and I could feel the anxiety rising up in my chest at the pressure I was putting on myself. Then, a little voice in my head, soothing and reassuring, told me to calm down and just let go. There was no “right way” to meditate. I just had to breathe, and be still, and the rest would follow. So that’s what I did.

I immediately calmed down, and just focused on my breathing. I don’t really know how much time passed, but suddenly it felt like I was outside of time. Eventually, I began to feel a certain pressure building up in the top of my head. I could feel what the monk was chanting, but I was no longer directly listening anymore. So, I let go to see what would happen. And all of a sudden, I could feel this rushing sensation, as though I was speeding upwards. I can’t quite explain it, but it was an extraordinary sensation, as I wasn’t actually moving anywhere.

I saw brilliant indigos and purple swirls, possibly my own energy. Apparently indigo-blue is the third-eye chakra energy, and purple is the spirituality chakra. But then, I could feel myself becoming short of breath, trying to keep up, and it scared me. So I immediately brought myself back down into present reality and opened my eyes, and all was still once more.

It was amazing though. I would definitely love to tap into that kind of energy again.

I spent the rest of the day feeling very calm, and very centered. I had work after that, but it passed by in a breeze. Which leads me to Tuesday!

Tuesday was such a good day. Leila, Avery and I went to Wonderland and we pretty much spent the entire day together, going on rides and having lunch altogether. It’s such good vibes between the three of us, and it’s so easy when we’re hanging out. I’m really glad that Avery makes an effort towards the two of us as well. Despite everything that’s happened between Chloe and him, I truly hope that we all continue to maintain this friendship as time goes on. Anyways, for the first day of this new month (and last month of the summer!!), it was a pretty amazing start.

Which brings me to Wednesday, which was yesterday. I worked at my second job, and it ended up being one of the longest shifts I’ve ever worked because a leader forgot to let me go, LOL. But it was totally okay! I actually had… fun? I always dread my shifts before I have them, for some reason, but I actually like working there! I need to keep this in mind for next time. The worry and dread I feel is something I create in my head, in totality. It’s a good job, and I’m glad I have it.

After work, I went browsing for a little bit, in hopes I could maybe find something cute to wear for my date, which is TODAYYYYYYYY AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ahem.

And I found two cute dresses, and bought them both LMAO. But they were on sale so, why not.

Which finally brings me to today. The day I’ve been waiting for all week. Thursday, August 3rd, 2017.

I finally have a date with the guy I’ve been crushing on pretty much all year.

I have no idea what to expect, but all I really want is for it to be fun. I know I’m going to be myself, no holds barred, completely and utterly honest in every way because I want him to know me completely. I’m finally happy and content with where I am in my life, I have accepted and come to terms with my past, and I no longer feel like I have anything to hide (in terms of my previously perceived “failures” and flaws). I am who I am. And I couldn’t be prouder or happier.

I’m definitely, definitely going to write immediately after I come home because I don’t want to forget even a single detail of how tonight will go.

No expectations! All I know is how I feel, and now he knows how I feel, and maybe one day after getting to really know me, he’ll realize that maybe he feels the same way too. That’s all I can really hope for. And even if that doesn’t end up being the case, I’m okay with that too. I’ll never, ever regret telling him how I felt. Because hands down, it’s one of the bravest things I’ve ever done for myself, ever.

I guess that’s all for this log! In a couple hours, I’m going to blast some music and start getting ready. I’m pretty excited for that part too, LOL. I can’t believe this is the first year in my life that I’ve started going on like, “dates”. They’re fun.

So, here’s to living life to the fullest in every way possible, and not accepting anything less than that. Here’s to being completely and utterly honest, not only with myself but with everyone around me – the transparency is refreshing and brings about an untouchable clarity. And here’s to whatever can happen next – I’m ready, universe. For literally anything. And also, I’m grateful. So completely and truly grateful. Thank you.

Until later tonight! WISH ME LUCK!

Love,

Me.

Day 207 – July 26th, 2017

Okay so. This may be one of the best, happiest logs I’ll have written thus far in the past 207 days of this year. I mean, I’ve had some pretty amazing days. But this day is definitely going to go in the Top Ten section for sure. I think yesterday’s takes the cake because of how insightful it was with the amount of realizations that hit me all at once, but today… today was perfect. It was perfect.

So today, I woke up and I knew within me that today was going to be the day. That no matter what happened, no matter what was said or how things happened, it was going to happen today. I trusted in myself and in the universe and I let the day unfold.

I was jittery for the better part of the day, pacing around in circles, picturing in my head how exactly I’d say what I wanted to say. I deliberated between waiting until I could see him in person or just sending it in text, and I even spent a part of this morning comprising what I would like to say if it were said over text.

I waited for a sign, for him to text me about his tattoo appointment and to go from there. Initially, this was my plan: I was going to tell him I couldn’t wait to see his tattoo in person, and ask if he knew if he had any hours coming up some time soon. If he told me he did, then I would wait until I saw him in person to tell him. If he told me he didn’t, then I would have done it in text right then.

So I waited. But as the morning waned into the afternoon, I started second-guessing saying it in person. I just, didn’t want to wait anymore! And, I didn’t want to put him on the spot and bombard him in person. I liked the organization of texting everything, the opportunity it would give him to read it multiple times if need be, take it in, take some time, and then respond.

And just as I was thinking this, he finally texted, to let me know that his tattoo appointment was postponed. For a second, I considered waiting until Friday, but this new found voice in my head or this intuition that seems to be strengthening at a rapid rate was telling me that there was no point in waiting any longer. The time had come and I was ready to say what I needed to say.

So, I spent the entire bus ride home finishing up the note I had begun earlier in the day. Once I had read it through multiple times, sent it to some of the people closest to me, and once I was settled at home, I knew that the moment was imminent. And finally, he texted back to whatever I had responded with earlier.

Here’s what I said to him:

“Okay so, I really wanted to say all of this in person but now I’m not so sure when I’m going to get the chance. And I’m scared that if I let time pass, I’m going to end up chickening out yet again, as I have been for the past while. Also I’ve never, ever done this before so please bear with me.

But anyways, to put it simply: I like you. And I mean, as in more than a friend. And I have, for quite a while.

I don’t really even know where to begin, because this may seem like it’s totally coming out of nowhere (or maybe I’ve been totally obvious, I have no idea). I think it kind of started sometime around when you gave me your copy of the Alchemist to keep in February, because that was one of the sweetest things anyone’s ever done for me.

But it was so much more than just that. It was the fact that I could actually talk to you about literally anything, for however long, and time could pass and I wouldn’t have realized. It was that in those conversations, you held more wisdom and maturity than most people my own age – you made me see things differently in my own life, and taught me things (I’m never gonna forget that “maybe” parable :P). You were genuinely fascinated by the stuff I had to say about my dad. I know most, if not all, of our conversations took place at work, but even then, everything else just seemed to fall away.

It was how your first instinct was to stay by my side and take me to the hospital when I had that allergic reaction – your compassion and kindness is incredible, not just for me but for others too.

And you probably don’t remember this, but there was this moment where I was walking back into the department after break, and you asked me “where I came from”, LOL. And I didn’t get what you meant at first, but you explained that people like me were rare and that I was “too nice”, but it was the way you said it. Like with genuine appreciation. No one, not even my own past relationships, has ever looked at me in that way.

On top of all this, your respect and deep love for your family, your mom, the passion you hold for the things you enjoy doing, your humour (can’t believe you distracted me racing up the hill, totally not fair) the way you can appreciate the beauty in life the way that I do (like those stars). Even your competitiveness! That game of Catan was one of the best I’ve ever played (even though I lost.. total fluke btw). Not to mention you are stunningly good looking (had to add that in there). There’s a lot about you I like, even if I still may not know you as well as I could.

Anyways, I could go on, but then this’ll become a lot longer than it is already and I’m sure this is a lot to take in as is (sorry!!!).

I should have told you all of this in person, that moment on the dock where we were looking up at the stars. It hadn’t hit me then, but it has now – you almost died that night. You could have ceased to exist. And I would have never got to tell you all of this, purely because I was holding back out of fear, and I don’t want to live my life like that. Life’s too short, it’s fragile and fleeting and it’s the most amazing gift we’ll ever be given.

In telling you all of this, I’m not expecting anything of you or from you. All I wanted was for you to know. And I know we don’t really talk about this, so for all I know, you could be seeing someone right now and if that’s the case, I’m so sorry if this has made you feel uncomfortable in any way. If all that comes out of this is us continuing on as friends as per usual, I’m totally okay with that because I’m honestly just so glad to know you and have you in my life in the way you are.

You’re an amazing guy, Dylan. You’re rare too. I hope you know that, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Anyways! I hope this doesn’t weird you out or make you see me or treat me any differently (which was pretty much my biggest fear holding me back from saying any of this at all), but yeah, I just couldn’t hold it back anymore. Like I said, all I wanted was for you to know. I’m sorry I didn’t say it in person and I’m sorry that this is a lot to take in!

Life can be short, but it’s inevitably gonna be the longest thing we’ll ever do, and if I spend a majority of it living in “what if’s” and in fear, I know I’m gonna regret it. So yeah! Now you know. That’s about it.”

Ugh, I keep stopping this log to re-read everything that was said and I literally can’t help it because it still hasn’t sunk in yet! And it makes me so, so happy to just bask in all of this, everything that occurred today with both the help of the universe and by my own bravery. I’m just so in awe, so blessed, humbled and happy.

Anyways, after I sent that, I did everything I could to distract myself. I watched Netflix, I put my phone on silent, I kept it away from me, I even went into the living room to go play some Guitar Hero. But just as I was about to do that… he replied. And sent my heart into overdrive, LOL. But his response? Better than I could have ever imagined and not what I was expecting in the slightest. I really was preparing myself for the worst. But here’s what he said back:

“Definitely a lot to take in… Ok wow. No, to be honest you did not make it obvious so I’m a little taken aback right now. In fact, the only person that has ever mentioned that you may be into me was Veronica, but like everything else that comes out of her mouth it went in one ear and out the other. I don’t even know how to reply to that text. But I’ll start by saying thank you. Nobody has ever made me feel the way I do right now. I was actually just showing my mom’s bf different ways to tie a jiu-jitsu belt, then I picked up my phone, read a few sentences and rudely left the room without warning. Totally worth it, not only to read the wonderful things you just mentioned regarding me but now I have a true appreciation of your honesty. Of course I remember the “where did you come from” moment, you’re proving my theory that you’re a very rare and special human being right now. Also brave, I never would have had the balls to send a message like the one you sent me. You’re an amazing person, truly someone I consider close to my heart. My mother and I always discuss how there are people in this world that possess something we call a “good soul”. You’re one of the few. It’s not something that can be easily explained, but the first time I met you, and the first time my mother met you, we felt a similar feeling (kind of like a click) that notified us of how special you are.

I think there is still so much we need and should get to know about one another. I lack the bravery that you possess, and there are so many things about me that you don’t know yet, and I’m sure there are so many things about you that I don’t know yet. I’d rather that be in person than over text (and outside of the prison we call work:) ), for reasons you’ll soon understand. ^Oh that was my way of asking you on a date… In case I didn’t make it obvious.”

I was so over the moon that I yelled, ran around a bit, hugged my dad’s head, ran back into the living room, sat down on the floor, and started to cry in happiness LOL. And then I couldn’t stop. The purest sense of utter relief flowed through my entire being and out through my eyes. I just couldn’t believe it. I still can’t.

I did it. I finally learned how to listen to myself. Listen to my gut. I think I’ve always known. It’s always been there. But this one, this was big.

I’ve never, in all my years of living, done anything like this before. I’ve never cast fear to the wind like this before and it was the most liberating, freeing, intense feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. Actually no, you know what?

I didn’t cast fear to the wind – I was TERRIFIED. I embraced it instead. I looked into its eyes and told it that it had no choice, it was coming with me. I ran forward, at full force, and instead of letting it hold me back, I dragged it with me. And now, it’s gone.

And also, I know I’ve had more brave moments in my life. I was terrified when I ended my relationship earlier this year too. But every single time that I’ve managed to move past my fear, has resulted in some of the best and most growth-inducing moments of my life thus far. I need to keep this in mind. No more letting fear hold me back.

I replied back that I completely agreed and would also love to get to know him more, and that a date sounded lovely. So sometime next week, we’re hanging out and he’s going to take me to a cool Korean bar close by. I’m nervous, of course, but mostly excited. I can’t believe it took half a year of holding back and finally letting it all out, to actually end up in this spot right now. I’m so, so insanely glad that I did what I did. I could not be more proud of myself for my immense bravery and courage.

He mentioned a click, in his response. I felt that too. I can still remember, clear as day, the moment we met. When his mom introduced us, and he leaned forward to shake my hand, and our eyes locked. I felt my heart skip a beat, and my stomach flip, and I have no idea why. And even getting to know and talking to both him and Teresa – I just felt like I’ve always known them, somehow. I’ve always had such tremendous respect for them both.

My heart is just so incredibly full and happy right now. I don’t know what’s meant to happen or how things are going to progress from this point on. I don’t know what’s written. All I know is, I did what I did today and for once, the Universe and I were working in perfect tandem. I finally understood that I could not leave everything to the Universe, and that I cannot control everything myself. Today, I found the perfect balance between the two and it was amazing. I hope to continue to do so as time goes on.

Anyways, I’ve got work early tomorrow so I think it’s time for me to hit the hay.

But before I go – you. And I mean you as in me. I am so, so incredible and insanely proud of you. I could not be more proud of you. I am so boundlessly happy about how far you’ve come in this one year alone, how much you’ve progressed, and who you are today. Who you are becoming. I did not imagine this for you one year ago. But now that you and I are best friends again, and that we love each other, life has become harmonious. We can create the life we want for us, as long as we continue to work together and believe in one another. I’ll always love you. I’ll always be in your corner. You’ll always have me. Never, ever forget that.

Thanks, me. I love you too.

I don’t even know what to do with myself right now! I think I’m going to go back to the very first log I began this year, and read every single word I’ve ever written in this entire log. I want to see how I got from there, to here.

And then I’ll sleep, LOL.

I love me! I love life, I love everything and everyone who has supported me this entire time along my journey in life, I love the Universe, I am grateful for every single blessing I have received, every day that I’ve been gifted with, and every breath that I take. I could not be happier. Actually, I could, because now I know there’s no limit to my happiness. I can’t wait to continue to learn everything I will as time goes on, as I continue to fall deeper in love with myself and with life.

And now maybe, just maybe, someone else will be joining me on this journey. We’ll see what time brings about!

I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance.

Until then,

Love, love, love always,

Me.

Day 205 + 206 – July 24th & 25th

I have to write this down, right now, this feeling that I’m feeling in this exact moment, how I got to this place. It feels like something broke, and I mean that in the best way possible. As though whatever confinements I set on myself, in multiple different aspects, have finally dissolved. But let me start with how it happened, what it led me to, and what I now know I must do.

Yesterday was Monday, July 24th. It was time to go back to work. Hoping to spend a little more time with Dylan, (because the night before, we were texting about how we were looking forward to discussing things regarding both of our tattoo ideas) I went to work early, but I arrived at the mall a little too early. What I usually do when I find I have time to kill, is I go to Indigo to read a small portion of any book I’m interested in purchasing. So, I found myself walking to Indigo, with no particular book in mind – I like getting to the self-help/inspirational section and letting a book pick me instead.

I wandered around the section when I got there, initially looking for a book I’ve been reading every so often called “Why him? Why her?” but I was unsuccessful in my search, so I turned my attention to the rest of the shelves. Some titles caught my eye, but inevitably the one that called to me the most, was the book that’s been recommended to me multiple times by many different people throughout the course of this year, and finally recently recommended to me by someone who means a lot to me – Sera. It’s called, “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari”.

I sat down to read, played some music to drown out the background noise and my distracting background thoughts that often occur as I read sometimes. I find that sometimes, even as I am focused on reading something, the voice in the back of my mind begins to pipe up with mundanity and I end up having my eyes skimming over the words without actually taking in any of their meanings. So, I have to distract the mental voice with lyric-less music or other background sounds. Amazing now, in retrospect, how uncomfortable I am with silence, which is the very key to meditation, self-reflection and growth. Very interesting.

Moving on though – I sat down on a bench in the Indigo to begin this book. I started with the foreword, which bore a striking similarity to the foreword in The Alchemist. About how the novel didn’t succeed at first, but inevitably it was the message that began to spread far and wide, which resulted in the success. That was definitely a good omen right there.

Curiosity piqued now, I began to read the book. At first, I had started the book thinking that it was non-fiction, based on the realizations or musings of the author and well-collected into a rather thin frame. I was wrong.

It was the story of a highly successful lawyer, who had a heart attack in the middle of a high-profile case, who consequently sold all of his material possessions to travel to India in search of enlightenment, and the tools and knowledge of how to live a better life. The best life possible. He had understood that the life he had been living was actually killing him, robbing him of his happiness and draining him of his purpose, his drive, his will.

He returns from his journey a changed man, unrecognizable, filled to the brim with life, vitality and youth. An untouchable peace and tranquility. Wisdom beyond his years. He finds his old protégé, and begins to divulge all the lessons he learnt while he was away, trying to find himself.

I didn’t get too far, but it was enough. Enough for me to understand that I could not put the book back, that it belonged to me. That this was the moment in my life that the book was meant to find me. And so, I bought it, and headed to work.

There were even moments at work where I sat behind my counter, hidden, and lost myself in its pages once more. I’ve always been known to devour books in one sitting, but something about this was different. Even now, while I know I probably have the capacity to finish this book within this day alone, I cannot. I simply can’t. There is too much wisdom that needs to be taken in, at a proper pace, to be understood and felt wholly. Even now, I am only about a third of the way in, and I’ve already had realizations that have shaken my core, opened my eyes.

Today, this Tuesday July 25th, I have the day off. After distracting myself this morning with a TV show, once the sun finally came out and it was warm outside, I put my phone away from me and picked up the book once more. I sat down on my patio, in the warm sun, to truly read and take in the wisdom of this book.

I can’t begin to pick and choose which wisdoms have stood out to me, for there was so much. As Julian teaches John, I am John! I’m learning all of these things myself! I feel like Julian is speaking directly to me, and that John is voicing my thoughts in print.

It all stems back to mindfulness – being able to understand the sheer power of our minds, understand that if we do not control our minds, that they will control us. We are meant to be the masters of our thoughts, not the slaves. But how can we implement this way of life if we do not understand this idea?! We lose ourselves, time and time again, to the worries, fears, and mundanities of our day to day living. Even in the book, Julian mentioned that we think up to sixty thousand different thoughts in one day alone – and ninety percent of those very same thoughts are thought in the next day!!!! How much time and power are we giving to our fears without even realizing ourselves? Our negative thoughts? “We cannot afford the luxury of allowing even a single negative thought into our minds.” How profoundly simple is this truth!?

I felt this amazing sense of calm and peace fall over me as I continued to read this book. I became aware even, of my facial expression as I read! Sometimes I feel my brow furrow in worry, because I believe there is a part of me that is afraid that I will not be able to achieve or maintain this sense of peace without losing it. But whenever I catch myself in this way, I immediately relax my face (and therefore myself), and smile. The world continuously brings the same wisdom and lessons to me, in many different ways. Because I am seeking it, because I am aware it exists, it is finding me. I must have faith in it.

After reading a good chunk of the book, there was a page where all of the lessons that were taught were reiterated in a simple way on one page, and that was where I knew I had to stop and reflect.

So I let my thoughts come to me as they did. One thing that was taught that also stood out to me was this: in order to live your best life, your happiest, most satisfying and consistent life possible, was to find the one thing you loved the most and spend the rest of your life pursuing and being dedicated to it, so that you could continue to feel that passion drive you through life, always. And that thing that you loved, had to be worthy in some way. When John asked what Julian meant by “worthy”, of worthy cause, Julian explained that it had to be something that enriched or benefitted the lives of others in some way, not just your own. And he is so incredibly right.

When I was 11 years old, I saw a psychologist because I was planning on taking my own life. This woman, who I had never met before, knew me more intrinsically than I knew myself at that time. She understood what I needed from life, what I wanted, what made me sad, what could make me happy. She was the reason that Psychology peaked my interest. She was the reason I could not let it go, despite how hard I’ve struggled with school over the past six years.

And then this year, I met Nisrine. I was at my lowest point, unhappy, unfulfilled, confused, terrified, ashamed, guilty, insecure, self-hating, and unsure. By talking to this woman on a constant basis, by allowing myself to open up, forgive myself, become supportive of myself, I am able to sit here, happier than I have ever been in many years.

I don’t know where Psychology can lead me. All I know is that it is what I am meant to do, right now. Because as I do it, I know the answer will come to me. The career path I am meant to follow will reveal itself to me, the one that is meant for me, the one that will allow me to go to work with a smile in my heart because I am helping people the way I have always wanted to, the way I have been helped myself. I believe in this so deeply. And, I’ve been given so many other different talents alongside this passion. I can write. Maybe my words are meant to touch the souls of many. All I know is, there is so much more to my life than even I myself can imagine, but that is EXACTLY what I must let myself do. I must visualize the life I want for myself, in understanding what it is that I want.

I don’t care that I keep having this same realization over and over – all that matters is that I keep having it. I can’t ever, ever let myself lose sight of what drives me, because that’s the exact moment that I will become lost, a drifter, and I can’t allow that to ever happen again.

I want to understand people. I want to be the kind of energy that people can draw from, without losing any of my own in the process.

I am finally on this path with the certainty that I never had before, and I must do everything I can in my power to stay on it. I must. I will. I have no other choice. Nothing that anyone can say about how I got here, or my pace in life, will change where I am or what I’m doing. I understand this now.

I will live my best life. How could I ever do anything but, when I know that it’s possible for me? For everyone I know?

I hope to God, the universe, and for the love of my self, that I accept and understand that I know nothing. I am consistently, continuously, eternally learning, and therefore growing as a result. Everything I thought I knew yesterday, will be different tomorrow. Truths will change. I am humbled to understand that life will never, ever stop teaching me and I know now more than ever that I never, ever want to stop learning everything that it has to offer.

I feel… amazing.

I feel content. I feel like I’m on the right path, I feel like I’m finally listening to myself and to the universe and all I want to do is know everything there is to know. I want to keep learning, feeding my mind and my soul, enriching the quality of my thoughts and my life and continuously become more and more elevated in the way I live.

There’s so many ways I can go about doing this, that’s the amazing part. I can start learning on how to make meditation a consistent aspect of my life once I start actively learning to control and react accordingly to my thoughts. As I practise mindfulness, more and more doors open up. I can learn more and more techniques to quieten my mind, with this new-found awareness I can learn how to recognize when exactly I am living in the present moment, harness that feeling and make it my consistent state of being. In being in the present, I will eventually eradicate all doubt, fear, worry and anxiety from my life because I will no longer be consumed by the past or living in fear of the future, because I will be doing everything in my power to make my present the best it can be.

When I put down the book, there was another realization that came to me, one that made my heart race and my hands clammy because of how clearly I could see it in my head, and how deeply I knew it to be true.

The realest truths are usually the hardest ones to acknowledge. They lie there in wait as you carry on with your day to day life, you being so sure that you know what you know. So sure that what you’re feeling, how you think of things, is real. This is the illusion we create for ourselves because it is comfortable. It is easy. The truth bides its time patiently, but it also comes up in the smallest, subtlest ways – the moment you allow yourself to stop and pause in the illusion you spend so much time creating for yourself, you can begin to hear the truth whispering quietly. It makes your stomach flip, it makes your heart skip a beat. It scares you, because it threatens the foundations of your illusion and makes everything waver for a fleeting second. It wants you to listen, but only when you’re ready. It knows that you see it to be a deadly foe, when in actuality, it only wants to be your friend. You will continue to lose yourself in the illusion you create for yourself, over and over, but the truth always remains just below the surface of it all. It may change, but it will never cease to exist.

I am ready to accept my truth, and speak it out. I can feel the part of me that created the illusion trying to stop myself, trying to reason me back into subservience, back into comfort.

And so, as difficult as it is for me to type this out, let alone acknowledge, here it is:

My “unresolved” feelings for Nick, are a safety net. Because a part of me knows that if I ever needed someone to run back to, he’d do in a pinch. He was a good guy, an amazing friend, and despite everything we’d been through, I truly grew to love him. I know, that if I really wanted to, I could go back and more likely than not, start up again with him and learn to move forward into a new relationship. But my truth? It’s not what I need.

I can’t go back to Nick unless I knew, without a single doubt, that he was on the same level that I am on now. The same level of self-love, self-respect, confidence, contentment, and happiness. I do not know this, and I do not want to engage in the process of figuring out whether or not he is, because that entails some real danger, feelings and decisions that I cannot bring myself to make.

The past couple of times that we’ve tried to hang out recently and haven’t been able to, were a blessing in disguise. I’m not ready to go back there and figure out what’s changed, or figure out if we could move forward. I can’t do something like that, out of the fear that I will never meet anyone again. Because deep down, that’s exactly what would be motivating me to do it – not just missing him, or missing our relationship. That’s a part of it, sure. But fear was definitely the biggest cheerleader when it came to this.

I need to have more faith in both myself and in the universe, and I can both see and feel that now. My feelings for Nick will always be a part of who I was. But, I cannot feed them now. I must let them go, and really give myself and him a chance to move on and see if life has more to offer us both. If we are meant to be, we’ll a find a way back to each other no matter how long it takes. Even as I say this, my truth is telling me now that somewhere deep down, I know he might not be my person. I know we need to keep striving in our different directions, no matter how tempting it might be to sink back into that place of comfort.

And there it is, my hardest truth. I didn’t want to see it or accept it because, the latter option was so much easier, more inviting, and more comfortable. It would be so easy to go back to that happiness we once knew, and eventually learn to move forward into a new relationship. But, it wouldn’t be right. I have so much more to learn, and so much more to do, and I know that he does too. And now, there’s another truth that I must acknowledge because it showed its true face this weekend.

Simply this: it’s time to tell Dylan how I feel.

This is the realization that made my heart skip a beat and my hands clammy, LOL. Because I can see it in my head, so very clearly now, exactly how this conversation would go. And better yet, I’m not afraid anymore. That’s the part that’s blowing my mind right now. Every single fear that was holding me back from saying anything at all is gone. I don’t know what part of the book did this for me or if it was just a collective realization. But I’m just not scared anymore, not of his reaction or what could happen afterwards. It’s not that I don’t care about what could happen; it’s that I understand that if I don’t speak this truth out for real, both into the universe and to the person who needs to hear it, then nothing will ever happen. And, I’m finally ready for whatever could happen next. Even if all it entails is nothing changing at all, and us continuing to be friends. I need to say it.

Knowing what I know now, if I could go back to that moment on the dock where we were laying side by side and looking up at the stars, I would have said it then. Because it really was a moment unlike any other. It was a moment that I pictured in my head that became real. And I know now it’s because of how much will and intention I put into that visualization. So you want to know what else I can see clearly in my head now, as a result of this past weekend?

I can see us sitting side by side in his car, blasting music with the windows down, no particular destination, my hand over his and matching smiles on our faces. I can see us playing Catan, bantering about who’s going to win because now I know we’re both fiercely competitive and we both hate losing. I can especially see it because there was a moment where I asked to race him up the hill at the cottage when we went for a walk, and he said no because of his flip flops, and used that split second distraction to get a head start with me cursing at him in the background as he ran laughing up the hill. I can see us experiencing amazing moments in life together, sharing the exact same awe of the beauty in life that can be appreciated when we allow ourselves to see it. I can see this because when we were swimming beneath the stars, I know we both felt the exact same way in that moment. I can see the stupid little arguments that are bound to occur because of his quick temper and stubbornness because I’ve seen the way his ears go red when he’s trying to stop himself from snapping. But I can also see the way we’d resolve these things in laughter and silliness, because he loves to play just as much as I do and I have just the right amount of patience to soothe the snap of his temper. I can see us encouraging each other to be our best selves in every way; in the books we read, the lessons we learn and consequently teach each other, the wisdom we share, and the way we tell each other to see things in different ways. I can imagine the endless conversations we’d have about everything and anything because we’ve already have countless many and every single one of them have stuck with me to this day. I can see a real friendship continuing to form, as he continues to trust me and let me in. I can see myself showering him in affection, knowing I’d get it right back tenfold. I can see us travelling and adventuring together. And most of all, I can see myself growing to love him and his family, because I already hold such deep respect for them all.

I don’t know what the future holds. I can’t tell you what’s going to happen. But I can’t sit here and expect the universe to do all the work. I know I said I would leave these matters in the universe’s hands, and this weekend, it gave me omen after omen and moment after moment. Boundless opportunities. And I see them for what they were now. I can’t go back and change the course of the way things unfolded then, but I can certainly do something moving forward with the realizations I have now.

I know he’s seeing someone. I’m not trying to come in between anyone, and I most certainly want him to be happy. It doesn’t necessarily need to be with me. But I can’t continue to lament over the fact that he has no idea that I feel this way, or that nothing has happened over the course of this past year, without actually doing anything myself. Destiny and fate is a two-part journey – I cannot depend solely on the universe and I cannot control everything or make things happen all on my own. It’s a compromise – I have to meet the universe halfway.

I don’t expect anything of him. I just want to say it out loud. Not because it’s become a burden. But because finally, after all of this time and after this incredible weekend, I finally know what I want and if there’s even some slight possibility that I could have it, I owe it to myself to at least try. Even if it means it happens months from now, or if the timing is right, years. I don’t know. All I know is that the time has come for me to speak my truth, no matter what happens.

I can’t be scared of LIFE anymore! What do I have to lose by telling someone how I feel!? If he’s the person that I think he is, the person that I believe I’ve come to know, then he won’t treat me any differently and nothing has to change (in the scenario that he doesn’t feel the same way, of course). Actually, I don’t even have any expectations as to how this will pan out because I just want him to know that it’s there. That it’s been there for some time and that I’m sorry it took this long to say anything because I was afraid of how he’d react, which was me not giving him enough credit. It’s time to stop listening to everyone else, and start listening to ME. I know people are going to tell me to either not do it, or do it, loosely based on their own knowledge and personal experiences. But this is me. This is what I want for myself. I finally accept that I am ready for whatever outcomes are possible, in making this decision. In speaking this truth.

It’s funny that I’ve come to this realization now, what with the fact that today was his last day at work and it’s my day off. I have no guarantee of when I will see him next, or how long it’ll be until that time. But it’s okay. Whenever the moment is meant to occur, it will.

I’m actually excited to finally say it out loud to him! I’ve never, in my 24 years of living, ever done this before! With Ayden, it was always beating around the bush, excuses, hemming and hawing and suffering for years and years, keeping my feelings inside until the timing was thrown off and we went our separate ways. With Don and Nick, they were the first ones to make the move and tell me how they felt, and I fell into the illusion and comfort that that brought. But this will be the first time that I move out of my own comfort zone and do something a little daring. I’m excited. No matter what happens, the time has finally come. I’m ready!

Courage is not the absence of fear – it’s feeling the fear and doing it anyways. The time has come for a little courage.

And, that’s that for my realizations, how I came to them, and what I have to do for myself as a result! I still have the rest of this beautiful day, so I’m going to give myself a little time to process everything I learnt today (the same way that Julian teaches John in small increments rather than all at once).

I feel that brimming excitement again. I’m excited for September, for the moment I can channel some real passion into everything I will learn in school. I am excited for myself, for my life, for the love that I have towards life, the love that I have towards myself. I want to live my life without fear and worry and I will teach myself to. I need to remember everything I wrote down in this log today. It was a very, very important log. I must remember to go back to July 24th and 25th if I ever begin to feel lost again, or if I ever feel myself slipping back into comfort because fear is creeping up again. I must remember all of this.

Here’s to a life lived in love, light, and happiness. A life worth living. A life lived in the best way possible. Here’s to my life.

Love, always, everywhere and in every way,

Me.

Day 202, 203 & 204 – July 21st, 22nd & 23rd

Well, here I am. There’s a beautiful wind blowing over the lake right now, filling my lungs with crisp and clear forest air. The water has a slight bit of movement today, making the dock bob and sway gently against the waves. The sounds, the sight, the scents – it’s all perfection. I loathe to leave. Sigh.

This weekend, while also being a weekend of rest, fun and relaxation, was also supposed to be a weekend that would bring me some clarity in regards to certain things.  Now, I’m not so sure. But let me start from the beginning of this rather wild, but amazing weekend.

So Friday came around and we leave in the morning, as planned! And it was me, Lianna and my mom in one car and Luna and Daniella in another. The drive up was quick, and eventually we made it there in good time! And the weather was beautiful – it was sunny and warm, perfect for swimming which is exactly what I did once we settled everything in.

After a while, my mom headed out and it was just us four ladies, waiting for Dylan and his friend Milan to arrive. As night began to fall, I started getting this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, a worry. Lianna kept saying they’d be fine, but I couldn’t shake the feeling no matter what. I kept pacing in front of the windows and doors, anxiously waiting to see headlights making their way through the woods. I went outside in an attempt to get service so that I could text Dylan, and he had said they were 20 km away, but when that was beginning to stretch out a little too long.

Finally, sometime close to 10, a phone call arrived at the cottage. I immediately ran over to pick it up. And it was Milan. And the first thing he said was, “you’re probably not going to believe this…” and in all honesty, at first I didn’t. It sounded way too impossible to have happened. But then when he passed the phone over to Dylan and I could hear the shock in his voice, I knew for sure that they were serious.

Milan’s car had begun to smoke just as they were approaching the cottage property. They stopped to get out to check on what it was, and just as Roman was about to pop the hood open, Dylan stopped him because he could see an amber light flickering underneath the car. They immediately bolted from the vicinity of the car, and good thing they did because the whole thing went up in flames and blew up within a matter of minutes.

It was unreal. The flames were at least 16 feet high, tantalizingly licking at the trees around it in a very, very real threat of a forest fire. By some miracle, the fire didn’t spread, possibly due to a recent rainfall perhaps.

Lianna and I had gone by car to see if we could get to Dylan and Milan but there was no way, the fire was literally blocking the entire road. So we had no choice but to go back to the cottage and await further information.

Someone from a nearby cottage had come by our cottage by boat, and scooped Luna and Daniella and took them over to where Dylan and Milan were, so at least they were altogether. But man. Waiting on the dock, waiting at the cottage. Waiting for a call, for anything. I was legit going insane. I couldn’t sit still, I called Luna like every 5 minutes, just wondering what was going on. And then all of a sudden, while we were waiting on the dock, the phone started ringing in the cottage. I bolted all the way back from the edge of the dock to the cottage in a matter of seconds to grab it.

Turns out, it was a woman. And she asked me what my relationship was to Elizabeth and why we were there. And she asked me, three times, if Elizabeth knew we were there, and then she said she was going to call her to find out.

Right after that, I called my mom in a panic to make sure everything would be okay. My mom assured me that it was all going to be fine because Elizabeth knew we were there and what had happened wasn’t anyone’s fault. But still, the initial adrenaline and shock was beginning to wear off and the anxiety was beginning to kick in and I ended up bursting into tears.

Lianna and my mom tried to calm me down but honestly, I think I just needed to get it all out of my system until I calmed down.

But bad timing though, because just as I was finishing up my crying, they had finally made it to the cottage. I immediately ran to the washroom to go clean up my face as they were coming in, but there wasn’t really any point because my face was a wreck either way LOL.

I hugged Milan and apologized for everything that happened and he apologized too, and I told him not to. And then Dylan came over to me and apologized too as he hugged me and I also told him not to as well, because these things happen. I could tell by their faces they knew I had been upset but they were polite enough to not point it out. But later, Daniella was like “were you crying!” And I joked and I was like, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

After they settled in, Dylan came over to me again for an even bigger hug and after he pulled back, he gripped my shoulders to look at me and apologized again, which was so sweet.

We ended up having dinner altogether and some drinks, and after a while everyone calmed down enough to start laughing about it (because it really was mind-blowing, no pun intended).

After dinner, Dylan asked to go see the lake so I got up to take him and Milan, but I could hear Luna joking in the background that maybe it should be a “private tour” and Milan agreed to get another drink instead! Dylan hadn’t heard though, so I paused at the door right before we left to wait for Milan and even Dylan himself said Milan was taking too long and he and I should just go.

We walked together to the lake, my little phone flashlight lighting up the woody pathway. Once we got to the dock, I think both of us had our breath taken away. The stars… there were so many, that you could see part of the Milky Way. It was incredible. Dylan immediately got down to lie on the dock to admire the view, so I joined him, and we laid there for a while.

It was exactly how I pictured it in my head, because I daydreamed that that exact scenario would occur. We laid on the dock side by side, looking up at the stars and the beauty of the world that we’re so gifted with. Dylan said that that moment right there made everything they had gone through worth it. He said he had never seen anything like those stars in his life. It made my heart happy.

But even then… the rest of my daydream didn’t happen. I didn’t tell him how I felt. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, because I can’t until I figure out the other feelings I have for Nick, so it wouldn’t be fair to say anything to Dylan. That being said though.. this weekend made me realize that.. there’s some real, real potential for more when it comes to Dylan. It’s not just in my head. But I’ll get to that later.

Anyways, after that, we went back for some more drinks and then all of us as a group decided to head back to the dock just to relax and enjoy the view of the stars. By this point, I was already pretty tipsy LOL.

It was soooo nice. We sat out on the dock under the stars, laughing and talking and enjoying each other’s company. But man, the water was legit calling my name. Luna read my mind, asking me if I was going to swim. I’ve never swam at night before, at the cottage, because every time I’ve gone it’s been with my family and my mom would drown me herself if I ever attempted something like that.

So, I took off my sweatshirt so I was just in my bra and shorts, and hopped in. And shortly after, I heard Dylan saying how he had narrowly escaped death and life was too short and he was going to swim too. He took off his shirt and shorts and hopped in as well.

I can’t even begin to describe how utterly perfect it was. When you laid back and let the water fill your ears so all you heard was silence. Looking up at the stars, that all of a sudden felt close enough to touch. It was peace. True tranquility. I felt one with the universe, floating there, in the middle of water and sky.

And Dylan felt the same way. Eventually, he was beginning to lose his breath (partially due to the adrenaline wearing off, the cold shock of the water and also because he’s got asthma), so we swam back together. Our hands accidentally touched at one point LMAO as though we were in some ridiculous movie. It was cute though.

He got out, but I stayed in for a little while longer. I’ve never got to experience anything like that before. I could feel some real peace in my soul.

I’m home now, and I’ve recently found out some stuff that changes the course of direction that this log is going to head in, but I’m going to wrap up how the rest of this weekend went before I address my new-found discovery.

After we got out of the water and dried off, we went back to the cottage where we stayed up until 4 in the morning, just talking some more about everything and anything. After a while, everyone headed off to get some much needed sleep.

The next day was so much fun – I hung out a lot with the boys, showing them all the cool stuff that they could do while they were waiting to get picked up by Milan’s parents so that they could make the most of their time at the cottage while they could. So I managed to find some fishing rods for them, and we all fished together. There was a point where I was fishing on the big rock next to a garter snake with no fear, and Dylan commented on how balls-y I was, LOL. Yeah that’s me, the girl with no fear.

After we ate, we played Catan and omg. It was hands down one of the best games I’ve ever played, despite the fact that I lost. I was up at first, and super cocky, but then Dylan caught up and on a risky gamble, won the whole game. But it’s all good though, because lowkey I’m the Lord of Catan. When he won, he stuck out his hand to shake mine and I conceded that the game was well won. (I’ll be back for revenge though, hehe).

After that, we went kayaking and it was Dylan’s first time ever, but he picked up so quickly (possibly due to his ridiculously cut arms, LOL). And man, he was doing all of this shirtless, so what a treat for me. He even grilled up some pork loins and chicken and burgers totally shirtless, while I sat next to him and read. AND, he was playing the Lumineers. Eventually when he said he had to go put clothes on, I literally said, “aw mannnn”, which made him laugh, hehe.

There was this moment where Milan went off on his own and Dylan and I just floated next to each other, talking about how amazing it was to just be in the moment and appreciate the present, and not worry about things in the back of your mind, and how we’re constantly bombarded by all kinds of energy on a daily basis and how nice it was to just, escape for a little while. It was a nice moment. We always have good conversations.

I’m so glad that they got to have fun, despite everything that occurred. Everyone was so positive and they were just focusing on the fact that they were happy to be alive, despite them losing all their stuff and losing the car. Dylan even lost his favourite Guns N’ Roses shirt, but he only lamented for a moment and that was that.

Eventually, Milan’s parents made their way over, and we all had a really nice lunch together before they headed out. When they were about to leave, Dylan came directly over to me and gave me the warmest, longest hug ever, a real one, not just a “hey we’re at work” kind of hug. Which is fitting now, I suppose, as he was saying goodbye… more on that later though.

He thanked me, with his hand over his heart, for such an amazing experience and told me he understood why I loved the cottage so much, which made me happy.

After that, they headed out. The girls and I spent the rest of the weekend having the most amazing time, lounging around, swimming, cooking, relaxing, I fished a little and caught the only fish of this weekend, laughing until we cried, and having some really deep talks. All in all, despite everything that occurred, it really was the perfect little weekend. I had so much fun and my heart is so full because that’s always what the cottage does for me. It’s my haven, and it always will be.

So, on our way home, Luna told me that she had to tell me something, and that it was about Dylan, and that no one is supposed to know because he told Daniella in confidence and hasn’t even told his mom yet. Heart sinking, especially after this amazing weekend, I spent the entire car ride preparing myself for the worst. And, I’m kind of glad I did because…

He met someone in Florida. A beautiful Spanish girl, who apparently looks like Angelina Jolie (he showed pictures to Daniella). And, he’s gone twice to Florida, I’m sure not just to relax but to see her. If a guy will cross countries multiple times for a girl, you know it’s serious. He’s apparently head over heels for her, so… that’s that.

Yes, it hurt when Luna told me that. Just like that, this weekend became a weekend of closure rather than a weekend of possibilities. It hurt especially so, because I wanted this weekend to get to know him better outside of a work capacity and that’s what I got to do. We shared some pretty epic moments, moments that I thought I’d only ever get to daydream. But, that’s just the universe for you.

And I’m not upset, nor has my faith in the universe wavered in the slightest. I truly believe the universe has a plan for me.

On top of everything else, all this means is that I now have an amazing new friend. Dylan is such a good person, and I’m so glad that I’ve met him, and I’m glad that it really feels like we’re friends now after everything we’ve experienced this past weekend. I’m happy for him that he’s met someone, and whoever that girl is, I hope she knows how lucky she is.

This isn’t a loss because I still get to have this person in my life, as a friend. And that’s how I’m going to choose to go about looking at it. Bright side, always.

He ended up texting me to make sure I got home safely, and then thanked me yet again for having him and Milan come up to the cottage. I told him to live life to the fullest because they were given another chance, and I meant that. Man, life truly has the potential to become short as hell. Every day we are given, really is a gift.

And as I’ve been writing this log, he’s been asking me for tattoo advice because he’s got an appointment with an artist from Chronic Ink this Wednesday, so I’ve been giving him as much insight as I can. He says I should start a tattoo advice company because I’d become a millionaire overnight, LOL. We’ve been talking ever since, like real back and forth texting unlike anything we’ve done in the time we’ve known each other. I thanked the universe just now because, this makes my heart so happy and took away the initial sting of the news. Yay for friendship! LOL.

I put my hand on my heart just now to check if I was being my most authentic self or if I was not letting myself grieve over this properly, because it was a blow, it was. I asked myself if I need to cry now (because I did want to at first but was holding back since my parents were around). But, my heart was not sore and I felt it beating on, happily and normally as it always does.

It doesn’t hurt as much now because, I didn’t lose him, you know? Like he’s still going to be in my life, even if it is in a different capacity than I might have wanted originally. It just means that the universe has a different plan for me.

And at first, I did find myself berating myself a little bit there (I put a stop to it right away though). But, I caught myself thinking stuff like “what if I had been braver and just told him how I felt earlier?” But you know what? I was going on my intuition for most of this, and something kept holding me back! I know it was partially (or maybe mostly, I don’t know) due to fear, but I also think it was the intrinsic knowledge that I would either scare him off, or that he wasn’t ready, or that something just wasn’t right. It could have been my unresolved feelings for Nick, or even just that things weren’t in the cards for us, and that’s okay! I accept the way that things have unfolded. I will not berate myself or regret anything, because I’ve been trusting in myself and this is the way that things have turned out.

Everything that is written, will occur. I believe in this. That is my mantra this year, and for always. What is meant for me, will be. What is meant to happen, will happen. And finally, everything happens for a reason.

Alright! That’s about it for these past couple days. I’m back to work tomorrow, but it’s all good because it’s at the Bay and I’ll be seeing the girls tomorrow! And also Dylan, and we’re going to talk more about his tattoo dilemma so I’m hoping it’ll bring him a little more clarity. All good stuff! Here’s to yet another week, brimming with endless moments for good, light, positivity and growth. I’ll write tomorrow after my shift.

Until then,

Love,

Stephanie.

Day 201 – July 20th, 2017

Well, here it is! The eve before the cottage weekend! SO MUCH EXCITE!

I’m going to keep this short and sweet so that I can hit the hay real quick, sleep and have it be tomorrow already! I hope I can sleep despite all the excitement.

It was a great day today – all my favourite coworkers were in, and we had a blast during our night shift since all of management left.

Dylan and I ended up getting into a really deep discussion about how sometimes the bad things that happen in life end up leading to really good things, and how you never know in the moment how one event in your life will affect your future circumstances. He told me a really cool parable kind of story with an amazing moral at the end which tied into our discussion. We also talked about how hard it is to maintain that conscientious mind frame once you become aware of yourself and your thoughts. It’s one thing to get there and break out of that “societal prison”, but to maintain it is the real struggle, especially when you’re bombarded by it and constantly surrounded by it on a daily basis. We talked about how people seem to not even want to break out of their comfortable mind frame because of the idea of “ignorance is bliss” – people are so okay with being on autopilot because it’s comfortable. And then, they wonder why they’re so unhappy.

All in all, it was a really great conversation. I like how he thinks! I like that how even though he’s so young, he’s so aware of himself and these kinds of thoughts. Not a lot of people break out of the bubble.

I’m hoping that this weekend will allow me to get to know him in an outside-of-work kind of basis, because we didn’t really get to hang out too much during the concert or St. Patty’s weekend. We’ll see how things go! Either way, I’m just looking forward to getting away for a bit.

Another interesting thing that occurred today – Nick messaged me and asked me if I was home. When I told him that no, I was at work, he explained that he had just been passing by, so I guess he wanted to stop by for a bit. Once again, things happened as they were meant to. I think the universe wants me to maybe experience this weekend first, clear my head, before we can actually see each other again (if we’re meant to, of course). We shall see! I have some days off next week, so maybe the next time he asks (if he does), I’ll happen to be free. Either way, still going with the flow.

Alright! Time for bed. Oh man, I have such a good feeling about this weekend. I don’t know, I can’t explain it. But it’s there. Here’s to living life!

I hope the next time I write a log, I’ll be writing it while sitting on the dock, feeling the first rays of the rising sun on my face as the wind blows gently through the trees, with the sound of the water gently lapping at the dock. Ahh. I honestly cannot wait. I love this place so much.

Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 200 – July 19th, 2017

Holy shit, we’re on the 200th day of this year!!! It feels like just yesterday when it was the 100th one, holy crap man time is passing by so, so fast! Even with me writing every day the way that I do, and writing everything down, it still feels like life is speeding by in a blur.

Day after tomorrow and we leave to the cottage! Ugh, what am I going to look forward to after this?! Sigh. It’s okay though, got to make the most of this summer while I can before I go back to school.

So, Nick never ended up messaging to let me know whether or not he was free so nothing happened, which is perfectly fine! I said I would go with the flow of the universe, which means we were not meant to meet up at this time. Can’t lie though, it did sting a little that he didn’t say anything at all. But I know him – he’s got a worse memory than me and also I know how busy the restaurant gets from Wednesday into the weekend. Either way, as I promised the universe and myself, I decided not to say anything because I’m not going to try to plan, push or force anything. Whatever happens, happens.

I don’t really know what I want to talk about right now. Oh! Sera came by to visit and Luna, Dylan, Sera and I went to lunch so that we could all catch up and it was so nice! Sera seems really at peace and content, so that made me really happy.

Okay so, I’ve got to address something that happened yesterday and today. I ended up messaging Bianca and Bethany to let them know where everyone stood in regards to friendship (or lack thereof) and how things would be at the cottage if they did decided to come. Everyone concluded that they were at a place of closure and that a friendship would no longer be outwardly pursued any longer, since life has gone on. I myself said that I would always be there if they needed advice or help, but that I felt the same way, that things had come to their organic end. Man, the amount of breaking up I’ve had to do this year.

So, I’m feeling a little melancholy tonight but tomorrow is a new day!

I just have to get through one more shift, and then I’ll be off to one of my favourite places in the world! I cannot wait. I definitely need this little getaway.

I’ll write tomorrow, maybe after my shift! And I’ll try to find some time to write logs on my phone while I’m there so that I can remember everything. Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 196 – 199 – July 15th, 16th, 17th, & 18th

Hello! Okay so, I haven’t written in a little while, and that’s on me! I just didn’t make the time for it, but also I was very busy this past weekend. I’ve been working every day, as per usual, but no complaints! I’m not overly exhausted, tired or stressed the way I was when I was serving and working at my regular job. Being a hostess is pretty much the perfect compromise for me, in order to successfully work two jobs! I’m happy, well-rested, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do at the start of this summer, and judging by what management tells me at second job, I’m doing it well. I’m very, very proud of myself.

Time is honestly flying! Within 3 days, we’ll be off to the cottage! Honestly, no matter what happens, I’m just happy to be getting away to one of my favourite places in the world. I don’t want to stress about other people or timing or who’s coming and who’s not, I really don’t care. I just want to go, watch the sunrise over the lake with a hot mug of tea, while sitting on the dock by myself. I just want the peace and tranquility that only the cottage can bring to me. Whatever else happens, happens.

I’ve been realizing a lot lately that going with the flow of the universe actually works, really well. I could feel myself totally surrender when I wrote that log last week, and I actually spoke it out into the universe to let it know that I was letting go and going with whatever happens, and I spoke it with so much honest intent that I could feel it resonate within me. Spoken intentions and words really hold so much more power than we realize. Everything, including what we say, holds energy. Creates a vibration. It’s so important to understand and realize this truth.

I’m trying to think if I’ve missed anything of importance that I wanted to write about, from this weekend. Let’s see… well, the annual overnight inventory shift was this weekend! It went pretty well. Olivia has gone back to camp, but she’s seemed to a lot more refreshed and collected after spending time at home, so I’m happy for her. I got to see Leila after so long of not seeing her!!! And on the Sunday, I went to rib fest on my own and ended up meeting up with Krystal! That was really nice, I’ve always loved talking to her and hanging out with her. I even remember in Cuba, on a lot of the last nights, she’d be the only one who wanted to go for midnight swims with me. We’d end up drifting around and around in circles under the stars, talking until like three in the morning. She’s got to be one of the most free-spirited people I know, for sure.

Another thing I wanted to mention! So lately, I’ve been implementing a lot of that “don’t give a fuck” attitude in some aspects of my life, and it’s been working out really well for me! The less I care about things that I shouldn’t care about, the more I lessen my personal anxiety. It’s been great! But I think I’m starting to get a little reckless though, LOL.

Okay so, there’s this manager at my main job that everyone hates. She’s basically got storm clouds hovering over her at all times of the day, and when she talks to people? She sucks the life out of them, and she’s always, always hostile and rude. She just doesn’t know how to speak nicely to people, and she’s always trying to find some way to abuse her power as a manager, as she clearly loves power tripping.

Deep down, I feel bad for her. Actually, that’s a lie, I feel no ways about her. It just is what it is. I don’t know her well enough to pity her because I don’t know what’s going on in her life, so I’m not going to say that I sympathize with her if I don’t. And what I know of her is enough to make me not like her so, that’s that.

In my almost three years of working at my regular job, she’s always found some way to pick on me, and earlier on, I used to be terrified of her. But now?

Let me give you some examples of how I’ve been talking back to her recently. Last week, she pulled me aside with my regular manager (who is a big, big sweet heart and I love her dearly), and tried to accuse me of telling her that I wasn’t supposed to get paid for my vacation. In actuality, I had told her I wasn’t sure. So I defended myself, and told my regular manager that that wasn’t true, right in front of the mean one, with no fucks to be given. I know for a fact that the mean one didn’t give a damn whether or not I got paid for my vacation, and so she had caught some flak for not paying me and was trying to pin it on me. But I wasn’t having it. My regular manager looked at me understandingly and confirmed that she talked to HR and was making sure that I would get paid, and so I turned my back on the mean manager to thank my regular manager as sweetly as possible for being a good manager and making sure I was taken care of, (loud enough for the other one to hear). And then I walked away.

Another example was yesterday. Lianna, Luna and I were talking and Lianna cracked a joke and I burst out laughing, which immediately attracted the mean manager into our department (she has to stifle and kill all amusement and happiness, of course). She marched over to us, looked directly at me and said that if the Store Manager heard “us” laughing that loudly, we’d get in trouble. Half way through her lecture, I simply stared at her and interrupted her to say, “you have lipstick on your teeth, by the way”, as casually as you please. I’m pretty sure she was taken aback and so was Lianna and Luna, but she passed over it as though nothing happened.

And then at the end of my shift, she called me over to ask me why I was wearing a “beige cardigan” over my black dress. Playing stupid, I was like “oh this? I’m not allowed to wear this? Aw darn.” I think she’s starting to pick up the sarcasm underneath my super fake politeness because she gave me a pretty dirty look and said, “I’m pretty sure you know the dress code by now. Do you have anything else to wear?”

I could hear the waves of triumph radiating under her tone of voice – she was looking to send me home if I replied that I didn’t have a black cardigan, as I couldn’t wear my dress alone on the floor (it was shoulder bearing, also against dress code). So as sweetly as possible (but not really), I was like, “Oh no, I don’t have anything else.” And right as she was about to speak, I cut her off and I was like, “But, my shift is over now! I’ll keep this in mind for future reference, thanks!” And I skipped away, as gaily as you please.

I had no idea I could not care this much, in all honesty. But I really, really don’t. She’s a horrible person who seems like she hates her life and her job and people in general, and as much as I love this job and the people I work with, I can’t bring myself to care enough to not talk back. I’m tired of letting things slide and letting people speak to me the way she does, because she’s supposed to be my “manager”. What happened to common decency? Basic respect? I won’t tolerate being spoken to like that anymore. She can’t push me around and I’m not scared of her. I don’t care if I lose my job because I have another, and I can get more if I want. This isn’t job isn’t my life, the way it is hers. I’m not going to end up working at a retail job for the rest of my life, the way she does. I’m going to complete my university degree and get a career of real substance and actually make a difference. I don’t want to take pleasure in the fact that she’s going to be stuck there for all time to come (and probably miserable all the while) but… that’s just the way things will be. I’m free. She’s not. That’s probably a part of why she seems to resent me so much. This isn’t my life. I’m not going to treat it as such.

It is what it is! The one thing that she can’t touch, as much as she tries to, is my innate sense of happiness. Yell at me all you want love, I’m happy. I always will be. And I think that, is what pisses her off the most. Because she doesn’t have that. You know what? I actually do feel sorry for her. I’d pity anyone who is unhappy as she is. Life is too short and too beautiful to live like that.

Anyways, that’s about it for that! I’ll try to be a little more… I don’t know. Cautious? Nah, don’t care. Respectful? Nah, I’ll treat her how I get treated. I’ll just figure out how to be… more professional! There we go.

I’m going to go work out soon, but before I leave! One last thing.

After telling the universe that I’m leaving things in its hands, I trust in it completely. And yesterday, Nick messaged me asking me if I was free, because he wants to hang out. Honestly, I had to sit and marvel how interestingly the universe works when you just surrender to whatever can happen. I wasn’t free today, but I am tomorrow afternoon, so he said he would get back to me. And once again – if it’s meant to happen, it will. If it’s not, then it won’t. No matter what occurs, I’m going to be okay with it. For once, I’m truly going with the flow and it feels good! It’s just crazy, how I kept imagining asking him to go for coffee and holding back, and then he’s the one who ended up asking me to hang out. We’ll see what happens though!

That’s about all for what occurred this past weekend! Yesterday was Monday, and although it was an extra-long day, it ended up turning out really nice because Leila, Avery and Cory came by for dinner and I got to join them afterwards. It was a lot of fun, and I’m so glad that after all these years, we’re still good. Man, I forget sometimes how far back we all go. We met in 2011!! It’s 2017 now. Time really has flown.

Today I’ve got work later on in the afternoon, but no one I’m really close with is closing so it’s going to be a long day, but it’s fine! I’m hoping it’ll pass by quickly.

I’ll find some time to write tomorrow in the evening!

Until then,

Love,

Me.

Day 195 – July 14th, 2017

Hello! So I finally finished “Who Says You Can’t Do”, and man, what a book! I’m so excited that I’ve finished it, because this means I can embark on a new journey with yet another book that has tons of things I’m meant to learn! I’m excited.

I’m definitely going to spend some time this summer re-reading the books that I have read though, because I want to reiterate the lessons I’ve learnt thus far, so that way they stick with me.

I don’t think I’ve got too much to add for this log, which is okay! I’ve got to start getting ready for work soon anyhow.

Ou, one thing I forgot to mention from yesterday that I found really cute: Dylan told me that in the first time in his years of living, he recently (and finally, after all this time) watched Pirates of the Caribbean!!! I was so shocked that he hadn’t watched ANY of them, ever. But, he was happy to tell me that he really enjoyed it and that he was intending to watch them all, which in turn made me really happy, heh. He was really excited to tell me about that too. Legit, we couldn’t stop talking to each other at some points, even when we both knew we were supposed to be working.

Anyways, he’s in again today and I’m planning on bringing him the book I just finished because he seemed quite eager to read it. Only thing is, I ordered it from Amazon and the pages are kind of falling apart but I mean, a book is a book. I don’t treat my books that way, I swear I don’t, but eh.

I love that all my books are travelling! Krystal recently took one to Grand Bend, Leila took one to Cuba, Lianna has The Alchemist with her somewhere, and soon Olivia will be taking some with her off to Goderich. I love that the knowledge that is enriching my life, is also enriching the lives of the people I care about. That makes me happy!

Well, that’s all for today! I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance, probably after we drop off Olivia.

Man, it’s going to be weird having to get used to her being gone again. I’m going to miss her. I realized that I don’t laugh as much, when she’s gone. Le sigh.

Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

Day 194 – July 13th, 2017

Hello! Today was a good day! I had a great work shift, and now I’m home and relaxing. And, I’ve got some more realizations. I think I’m starting to get emotional whiplash, or thought whiplash – my thoughts and emotions change so quickly on a day to day basis that it’s hard for even ME to keep up sometimes. Thank goodness for my writing though!

So today. I’m feeling a lot better about my more recent realizations, still having feelings for Nick. It’s a lot easier when we don’t talk, which we didn’t today. It’s not as bad to deal with when I’m not thinking about it, and work’s been serving as a great distraction. I’m doing what I can to keep my mind off of it, because my hands are literally tied and there’s nothing I can do when it comes to that situation. So rather than lamenting over it, I choose to live my life to the fullest and be open to whatever life can bring.

I’m so tired of always trying to control the outcome of situations, tired of always wanting to know what the answer is. I always have so many questions towards the universe, towards myself, but you know what?

It’s time to just, let go and go with the flow. Accept what may come. Really and truly surrender.

Because I know for sure, that’s when life is at its best. When you can accept that we don’t really have that much control over the things that occur to us, that’s when you can learn how to experience life with ease rather than anxiety. I understand that I can control my decisions, and choose the way I react to the things that happen in my life. To a certain extent, I am the captain of my own fate, my destiny. But the minute I start trying to control the minute details, trying to find all the answers to the questions that don’t necessarily need answers in that moment? I take away from my own quality of living.

I’m doing everything I can for myself this year. I’m working two jobs to save money and enjoying every minute of each job, I’m travelling when I can and seeing the world, I’m being as loving and supportive as I can towards myself, and trying my best to maintain the same level of love and support towards the people in my life that I care about, I’m reading more, learning more, and constantly trying to maintain this newfound sense of awareness that I’ve recently acquired, in everything I do, say or think. These are my current choices. These are the things that are in my control.

As for love? Right now, (and for all time to come), my priority is being head-over-heels, no-holds-barred, one hundred and ten percent in love with myself. I’ve finally fallen in love with the one person I will with utter certainty be with for the rest of my entire life – me! And that, that’s what’s truly most important to me in this moment.

Whatever else that is meant to come, will come. But the minute I start to search for it, control it, make it into something that I want it to be? It will take away from the simplicity and beauty of what it could be. I’ve just got to let things happen as they do, and react accordingly. And THAT, is what my gut is yelling at me today. I’m listening, friend. I’m listening. I hear you!

It was a good day man. Actually, every day that I get to experience on this crazy, beautiful, tumultuous, uncontrollable and unpredictable planet, is a good day. Is an AMAZING day. I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve been taking some advice from the book I recently read, “Who Says You Can’t”, and as soon as I wake up, I try not to hit snooze and lay in bed for a half hour longer. Instead, lately I’ve been launching myself out of bed as soon as I wake up, and promptly engaging in about twenty jumping jacks until I feel my heart race. Not only is it good for my heart and metabolism for the rest of the day, it sets off an amazing mood right off the bat! Man, I honestly love the books that have found their way into my life this year. Implementing all this change in my life, be it small or big, has created the life that I want to live, a life filled with contentment, happiness, growth, positivity and constant learning.

So, those were my realizations for today! Now, to talk about the day itself.

Let’s see – it was an easy and quick shift! I sold some stuff, and it didn’t go by slowly as it normally does. Oh and, Dylan came in today! I haven’t seen him in about three weeks, so it was really nice to catch up.

Can’t lie, my heart might’ve skipped a beat or two when he walked into the department. Is it possible to not be over your ex AND still have a crush on someone else?!!?!? LOOOOL. I’m so done with myself. (But also not, I love me and I amuse me. Going with the flow!)

Really though, I’ve accepted that I’m open to whatever the universe has in store for me, so no, I’m not closing off all of my options just because I’ve realized what I have. Even if part of my feelings for Dylan were “rebound-y” (me trying to get over Nick) – they ended up turning into a pretty cool friendship over the course of this past year, and possibly a little more than that, so I accept that. Nothing is written in stone and I’m just going to go with what happens. No more trying to control how I feel, only how I react to what life brings me.

Anyways, that being said! We spent a lot of the shift catching up over everything we’ve missed in the past three weeks – my trip to Vegas, his spontaneous trip to New York and his adventures and training there, what we’ve been up to these days (he’s been training almost every day and I told him that Olivia is home now), about his rescheduled tattoo appointment, and whatever else came up.

Man. There was this moment that I showed him a tattoo design that matched an idea he was describing to me months ago, and he LOVED it! We started discussing placement ideas for the tattoo, and he pulled up his t-shirt sleeve to show me where he was thinking (his inner arm) and I have no idea if this is starting to get deliberate or not or if he’s aware of how ridiculously hot he is but, GOD. DAMN. The cut of the muscles on his arm. Mm. *bites fist* It took literally every ounce of my willpower to maintain a straight face and casual expression.

But then later in the day? LOLOLOL YO.

So I worked out yesterday but I didn’t stretch first and today, my right hip and the right side of my lower back was in a lot of pain. And Dylan himself has a lot of tension in his hips as it is (because of his jiu-jitsu and whatnot), so he was explaining to me what was happening in my hip to cause the pain, which was muscle inflammation.

When I was about to leave, he asked me to try out a couple stretches to see where it hurt and I did, and it turns out my pain happened to be quite close to wear he experiences his, which is right in the inner dip of his hip, just underneath the hip bone. And while we were talking about it, he was saying that if he were to flex it, I could see better for myself, and all of a sudden he hooked his thumb into the belt loop of his pants and tugged the corner low enough for me to see part of his hip. Like, the V-line area. Which coincidentally happens to be one of my favourite parts of a guy. Um.

Safe to say, I almost had to grab the counter beside me to stop myself from keeling over and passing out. LMFAO. I know he was just trying to help me understand where exactly the pain was resonating from but man. Y’AL L CAN’T BE PULLING SHIT LIKE DIS. My frail little heart cannot take things like that, it will definitely implode.

All in all, it was a pretty good day. He loved my all-spark hoover dam snapchat, texted me later on today to tell me he was in love with the tattoo design I showed him, and he’s super excited about the cottage and now, so am I. Mostly just to see him partially naked when we all go swimming. JOKES. (Mostly joking, anyways). I’m genuinely looking forward to hopefully getting to know him better. I know he holds people at arm’s length and doesn’t really let anyone in that easily, I can definitely gather that from having talked to him as much as I have for the past half year and STILL feeling like I don’t know that much about him. But we’ll see!

Universe, I’m leaving it you dude. I’m open to whatever. I’m going with the flow. My life is shaping out to be exactly how I’d like it to be in all the aspects that are within my control and my decisions. When it comes to this? That’s all you man. I’m not making any choices. I’m just going to let what happens, happen.

Cool! This is good stuff.

Alright then, that’s all for today! I’m working again tomorrow and then I’m working an overnight shift on Saturday, so this weekend seems pretty work filled but I’m not complaining! I like that I’m being kept busy in all honesty!

I’ll write tomorrow before I leave to my shift!

Love, love, love in all forms and ways,

Me.

Day 193 – July 12th, 2017

Hello! So today I actually launched myself out of bed to go workout, which was definitely a great start to my day. And then after, I sat outside and cried on the porch for a while, LOL.

I wasn’t completely honest with myself in my log yesterday.

I’m not just sad about this. My heart quite literally feels scoured. Can you imagine realizing that you’re still in love with someone and not being able to do anything about it? Yeah, that’s me. It’s not just “strong feelings”. I still love him.

I can openly admit that now. Thing is, knowing that, I can’t be selfish and do or say anything about it, because it just isn’t my place. A part of me is like, “you’re still in love with him, so why don’t you cut the crap and just tell him so?” Well, if I do that, I’d be doing it for myself, to alleviate the pain I’m in now by telling him how I feel, without taking into consideration how it’d make him feel.

So, yup. I’m just here with a whole bunch of feelings that I can do nothing about. But it’s okay.

I truly believe, with every fiber of my being, that whatever is meant for me will come to me. And, if something is not meant to be in my life, then it won’t be. I can accept the laws and ways of the universe. I can be patient. It’s just a matter of continuing to live my life accordingly, to that belief.

Anyways, I just wanted to be more honest with myself today. I don’t think I was quite ready to go there last night. But I’ve cried and come to terms with it so I feel a lot better. Now, it’s time to get ready for work! After a week of working at my second job, I’m finally going back to working at my regular job. I can’t wait, I’ve honestly missed my coworkers so much. It’s going to be fun!

I’ll write tomorrow after my shift. Oh but before I go!

After the dinner yesterday, Nick messaged me to joke around with me about it, which made me pretty damn happy LOL. And today, while I was watching The Office, right in the middle of the scene that Jim is passionately holding Pam and their wedding vows are being repeated in the background (love is patient, love is kind etc.), Nick happened to message me, in what was one of the weirdest timings I’ve seen to date, (which promptly made me burst into tears for both Pam and Jim and myself, LMAO.) It was a very, very weird coincidence (not that I believe in coincidence anymore).

Oh well.

Until next time!

Love,

Me.