Day 161 to 169 – June 9th to 17th, 2020

Hooooo boy, do I have quite a bit to catch up on. It’s been about a week since I wrote last, and it’s been… a week. Unfortunately, we lost my cat. It was just his time. It was so heart-breakingly devastatingly sad, so, so, sad. It just felt so sudden, I guess. The only comfort was knowing that he wouldn’t be suffering anymore. It’s as though he decided things on his own terms, so that was good. 

But man. He was such a good boy. The best boy. It’s hard to think about sometimes, because it just hurts. We miss him alot. I miss him alot. I miss his kisses, his loud-ass purring, how he always came in the morning to meow and say hello and cuddle. I miss his feistiness, how unique his personality was, how much he absolutely loved us. He was the best cat ever. 

I hope he’s at peace, truly. I’m still waiting for a sign that he’s still with us, or that he’s moved on and found that peace. I just want to know he’s okay. I’m sure he is, but death is super mysterious. I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t believe in… something, after death. After all, energy cannot be created nor destroyed, right? So, I just want to know where his energy went, or what it transmuted to. Maybe one day, he’ll come back as a human and say hello? Hehe. 

Le sigh. My little baby. I hope he lived as full a life as any cat could live. I hope he’s running free and wild in good boy heaven and chasing all the little birdies he can to his heart’s content. We loved him so, so, soooooo much. So much. I’m going to miss him for all time to come, for sure. 

It’s been rough since then, but we’ve been keeping busy with house renovations and all that. And it’s been nice to see people for the first time in what feels like forever; Sera, Marilyn and Luna came over for Daniella’s birthday and that helped to get my mind off of things for a while. And Adrian came and stayed the weekend with his cat here too, so it was nice to have some kitty comfort for a while as well. 

It’ll be nice to start doing stuff with people again. Today, Daniella and I went to go meet Marilyn and Sera for a really long walk in their beautiful nature-filled area, and we did about 8000 steps just talking and laughing. Afterwards, we went to Sera’s place (which is insanely stunning and so peaceful) and had a late breakfast. 

I mean, I knew that we were going there and that there was a chance that we would maybe run into Dylan, as he lives there, of course. But LOL. As we were coming back from the walk, he was just leaving his house, shirtless, for a run. Heh. 

Okay but seriously, it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it was actually so nice to catch up and talk. I do consider him to be a good friend too, so I’ve missed him. He’s always been super easy to talk to. We’re cool. We talk to each other about our respective significant others and all that. I think the girls and I be going on walks every so often, which means he and I will probably get to see each other a couple more times this summer maybe, which would be nice. 

Moving on – Radha messaged recently. It wasn’t to offer condolences, but to tell me she booked a “solo trip” at the end of this month and was using me as an excuse to her mom. She said she hoped the Universe was treating me well, and that was it. 

So, I told her about how my cat passed and how things have been rough, but I wished her well on her adventure and told her I hoped that she would find what she was looking for. 

She tried to call that day but… I don’t know. I didn’t pick up. I just, didn’t feel like talking about it.

And then early this morning, she sent a message about how she saw a black cat recently and thought of my cat, thought of us. She said she was so sorry to hear that, and that all happens for the best. Which, lowkey kind of irked me.

I messaged back to say that it was devastating, heart-breaking to lose a soul friend, a spirit animal the way my cat was to us for the past 14 years. I guess I kind of wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation – I know everything happens as its meant to, and I have faith in that. But that doesn’t mean that it hurt any less, that it was any less sad or heart-rending. 

I have conflicting feelings. In our friendship, we haven’t expected much from each other. We didn’t message each other frequently but the feeling was always the same regardless of how long we went without talking to each other. Maybe because of quarantine, things feel different, knowing that everyone is basically free, all the time, and not talking to someone is more of a choice than it is due to extenuating circumstances of day to day life. 

It also feels shitty, that she finally messaged me after all of these months, just to tell me she was using me as an excuse. I’m glad she’s doing inner work. But there was almost no sincerity or authenticity to her text message, no vulnerability. It didn’t feel… real. Almost as though she had to text me out of necessity so I was in on the plan, in case her mom called or contacted me. 

Not to mention, the cynical part of me is kind of wondering if the reason she’s fallen off the face of the earth is because she has in fact gotten back together with Kade, and she’s actually taking this trip with him, and using me as an excuse. I’ll never know, because at the end of the day, I’ll only know what she wants me to know. 

I guess, bottom line is, things don’t feel the same anymore. Could just be me on my end, but that’s not what my gut is saying. And regardless of whether or not it is, my feelings are valid. She needed space, that’s fair. She needed to ghost, I understand. But to message me just to tell me that she’s taking a trip for self-love and self-reflection, to not ask how I’m doing, to inform me she’s using me as an excuse? 

I was never really good with boundaries and I don’t set expectations on my friendships because they’ve always felt more like limitations for me. But a part of loving myself as deeply as I do means recognizing when I’m being taken advantage of or being taken for granted. And that’s how this feels to me. 

I’ll leave it be. I don’t care enough to have this conversation with her because, ultimately, I really do wish her well and hope she finds what she’s looking for. After these months, I feel indifferent now. I don’t miss her, I don’t miss our conversations, and I don’t miss her presence in my life. As of late, our friendship has not been serving for my growth, development or happiness. Maybe that feeling is mutual. I won’t know. I can’t assume to. All I know is how I feel, and what I’m left with. I have no idea what she’s been through these past couple months, or how she’s been doing, not really. 

Maybe if she calls again, I’ll pick up. We’ll see. But things just don’t feel the same anymore. If it’s mean to eclipse into something new, it will. I never close the door on anyone unless they give me a reason to. I just leave it all up to the Universe. Nothing is permanent. And whatever is meant to be, will be. 

At the end of the day, I’m happy. I’m happy with who’s in my life right here, right now. I’m happy in my present moments. I’m living my life to the fullest to the best of my ability within this time, within these days. I’m at peace. That’s what matters most to me. You never know what tomorrow holds. I just want to make sure that at the end of the day, when my head hits that pillow, it’s with a smile. 

I have to choose love. I want to strive towards love, every day, in every way. That means accepting this situation for what it is. I’m entitled to my other feelings, the sadness, the slight resentment and anger, because I’m human. But what I want is to transmute all of that into love, into light. Genuinely. 

So Radha. If you feel this. Girl. I have no clue what’s going on with you. But I genuinely do hope you’re happy. That you’re being truthful, with yourself. That’s what’s going to matter the most at the end of the day. Just living your best, most honest life. I hope that trip you’re taking does you good, be it on your own or with whomever else. Take care, I love you, sayonaraaaaaaa. 

Whatever is meant to be will be. 

This was a good log! Lot’s to write about. Summer is going well so far. The weather is beautiful, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going back to work any time soon. I definitely intend to make the most of this time, believe me. Plenty of sun and activity. 

I guess that’s all for today! Here’s to living a life full of love. Here’s to my cat, my baby, my wonderful soul friend, may he rest in peace. I miss you so much, buddy. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you. I really do. 

Oh and! I have to reiterate – it was SOOOO nice to see the girls today and be active. I felt good today for the first time in a long time, like… normal? What my “normal” feels like. I miss human interactions so much, LMAO. I’m thankful. I really am. Thank you Universe, for the wonderful people in my life.

Love always,

Me.

Day 160 – June 8th, 2020

Helloooooo. So, we’ve scheduled an appointment for my cat at 4:30 in the afternoon today. I had some time to think about it last night, and I think I’m a little less volatile about the state of things (aka I won’t burst into tears every time I think about him being sick or potentially leaving us). However, things may become all too real after we visit the vet, so we’ll see how it goes. This is going to be the first time I go by myself with a pet to the vet (hehe). I have to be as adult-y as I can be in order to be strong, to make sure the vet doesn’t try to rip me off, and has our best interests at heart. I’m relying on my gut and my intuition to lead the way. I trust that I’ll know what’s best for my baby and whether or not the vet is genuine. 

He seems to be a little bit better today though – apparently he ate a little and he’s not limping or sneezing as badly, thank goodness. Hopefully whatever he does have or whatever is truly ailing him is reversible. Like I said, I’m going to be as positive as humanly possible and hope for the best. 

I probably wouldn’t have written today, but I actually have something weighing on my mind that I’d like to talk about. 

It’s been awhile since Radha and I have properly spoken. I think the last time we actually had a full-on conversation was… holy shit, the beginning of April. It’s JUNE! What in the…. 

Sigh. It didn’t really bother me as much before because life is life and I understand that sometimes you need space or you want to do things on your own. I’ve had phases like that too. I don’t want to expect anything from anyone that I call a friend because I’ve learnt that relationships are usually best without confining expectations. But, there are some basic stuff that comprise relationships too that aren’t expectations per se, but… guidelines? Reasons why relationships work and thrive? 

Like, communication. Even if it’s infrequent – if it’s scattered yet sincere, then it’s all good. Or, reciprocated effort. Again, not needed on a constant basis, but an affirmation of reciprocity here and there should be a given, no? 

Maybe what I’m feeling is loneliness, which is new to me. Maybe because I was used to seeing my friends here and there as I pleased pre-quarantine, I never really experienced this feeling before. This feeling of lack of connection, a genuine “social distance”. I miss hanging out with people, getting into cool conversations about whatever, and just having a laugh and enjoying company. I’m so thankful that I have my family and our weekend get-togethers, I really am. I probably would have gone insane if not for them. But man. 

I miss going to VC to sesh with the crew, or smiling at strangers on the street or bus, I miss getting out and about and getting lost in my music on the train on my way to downtown. I’m extremely content with myself and my own company and usually crave my alone time quite easily. But as a creature of balance, I miss the side of the social scale that balanced out my lone solitude. And don’t get me started on my much my heart is aching over travel. God, I miss travelling. 

I hate that when I go out, I’m scared of people coming too close to me. It’s not even the person themselves; I fear getting sick and getting my family sick as a result. Le sigh. I don’t want to be the reason someone’s health get’s jeopardized. Someone in Adrian’s family didn’t realize they had it, saw their parents on Mother’s Day, and the father just recently passed away as a result of catching COVID19 from her. I know it’s not her fault, but can you imagine how she must feel? He did have a stint in his heart to begin with, but apparently he was a pretty healthy 79-year old. It only took 8 days for his condition to completely deteriorate. That’s scary, and it’s sad. 

Welp, this went on a vent tangent, LOL. 

Anyways, I’m still going to do my best to remain positive throughout all of this. I’m sure I’ll still be able to see my friends here and there throughout this summer, and we’ll all be careful about how we go about hanging out, I’m sure. 

As for the Radha situation – maybe I’ll reach out again soon, see how she’s doing. I do sincerely hope she’s doing well throughout this time, and that maybe she distanced herself in an attempt to be more independent and self-assured. Maybe she’s learning self-love on her own terms (as she should) and practicing it diligently. That’s all I could hope for, for her. 

I am sad that we don’t talk and haven’t been talking because I miss what our friendship was before Kade entered the picture. We were pretty healthy and on the same wavelength when it came to our positivity and overall outlook on life and spirituality. I know it’s important to question things, learn deeper and further. But I hope that whatever distance she created in her mind, she realizes and continues to remember that one way or another, we’re all one and no one is any further along or “better” than anyone else. We’re all just trying to do the best we can and make the most of our existence, collectively. 

Ah well. Such is life, eh? I just wanted to honour my feelings and bring them to light so that they feel seen, and eventually pass through. I must remember that I am blessed, and I have so much love in my life. I am surrounded by wonderful people that I can reach out to at any moment I need. I am not alone, and above and beyond anything, I am here for me. 

That’s about it for today! I shall go for a run now. I’ve been running pretty consistently for the past 3-4 weeks! My stamina is slowly but surely getting better. And, I’m starting to enjoy it and look forward to the runs as well. The ADHD medication helps me to overcome my own laziness or dread, thankfully. 

I’ll write again soon. And I’ll do a more thorough self check-in the next time I do. 

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.

Day 158 + 159 – June 6th & 7th, 2020

Sad news (because as per usual, when it rains, it pours). My cat isn’t doing too well. We’ve been noticing recently that he’s been losing weight, and we attributed it to him losing interest in his dry food because he was eating his wet food just fine. We got him a new brand of cat food that was holistic and organic, and he seemed to like that alot better. We’d also noticed he’d been drinking a lot of water lately, but it didn’t seem out of the ordinary. 

But now, it seems as though his health is suddenly deteriorating rapidly; over the weekend, he started vomiting, sneezing repetitively, his eyes are watering, he’s lethargic and he’s lost interest in his food altogether, both the dry food and the wet food he usually loves. We’re taking him to the vet early tomorrow morning. 

I’m nervous because when his brother was ill, the clinic took us for all we were worth (over five grand in medications and check-ups alone), and then told us that it was too late to do anything for him and that he was already too far gone. It’s hard when it comes to animals. You want to do everything you can for them, but then there are humans who know that full-well and seem to take advantage of that fact. Thankfully, we have a bit more experience with this now after everything we went through with his brother, and if we have to take my cat somewhere else for a second opinion, then we can do so. 

Le sigh. I hope he makes it through this. He’s going to be fourteen years old this year, which means he’s approximately around the same age as a 70-year old man. He’s lived a wonderfully long, love-filled life. So, no matter what happens, the most important thing at the end of the day is that we do not prolong his suffering, if he cannot be helped. If he can be, then we will do everything and anything it takes. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll try to be as positive as humanly possible about this as opposed to preparing for the worst. 

Anyways, I think that’s about all for today. I’ll write when I have a chance soon! 

Stay positive, me. Have a light heart and be that sunny, uplifting person you are. Accept your feelings and let them pass through you – don’t hold onto pain or sadness. Feel it through, react as you must, and then let go. Whatever is meant to be, will be. 

Love always and deeply, 

Me.

Day 157 – June 5th, 2020

Hello! So I’m at Adrian’s now, and I’m enjoying my time and space away from home for the time being (although I also kind of have a weird withdrawal because I’ve been home for longer than I ever have been, recently). 

I just deleted Twitter off of my phone, something I haven’t done… ever? Like I deactivated my Facebook and deleted it a long time ago no problem, and I deleted Instagram off my phone but re-download it a couple times a week out of curiosity and to answer messages for a couple moments before deleting it again. I’ve never deleted Twitter before. 

I just can’t right now man. I know there’s a movement going on, and I fully support it. But the things I’m seeing, the videos that are being posted, the brutality and violence, the blood, the words, the negativity and the pain… I can’t. It makes me anxious. I know I’m privileged, I know I can’t even begin to imagine the real pain that black people endure on a daily basis due to systemic racism, oppression and injustice. I know my discomfort is merely a symptom of my privilege. 

But man. I just can’t fathom the world this way. It hurts my easily-bruised, squishy tomato heart. I know I’m a sensitive baby. But like, this morning I read the last words George Floyd uttered before he died and my heart broke. It makes me feel helpless. I know they’re out there protesting and making a difference. Like, really making a difference. I know my helplessness is nothing compared to the built-up grief and anger black people must collectively be experiencing. 

I promise, with all of my heart, to be the best ally I can be. If I see racism, I will call it out. I will fight for those who need to be fought for in the best ways I can, when I can. I will educate myself on my own terms, read the material that has been recommended, and do my best to practice “non-optical allyship”. But social media is currently taking a toll on my mental and emotional health right now. As much change is taking place on it, there’s also a ton of negativity and divisiveness. There’s triggering and traumatizing images and videos that I literally cannot stand to see and watch. It’s making me anxious, sad, and weighs my heart down so much. 

I have to take care of myself too. The information online has become so addictive that I find myself on twitter like every second of the day, just constantly consuming regardless of content. And then I feel drained after, saddened and anxious.

I have to disengage. I can do my part to send good energy into the world and be a good person or ally without having to display it all on social media or use it to validate who I am and what I stand for. I do not want to be performative or insincere. And I don’t want to compromise my mental/emotional health under the guise of remaining “informed” when I can do so by other means. 

I’ll return to twitter in a little while. Maybe sometime next week, once that impulse of checking it constantly wears off. I put a 3 hour time-limit on it through my phone but even that wasn’t enough. It’s crazy how much information you can consume in such a short while. 

Le sigh. What a world we live in. What a year. 

Anyways, it’s beautiful out so I’m going to go for a run and get my heart pumping, and when I come back I shall relax and read some of my book, maybe watch some more of my show. Until my next log!

Love always and deeply, 

Me.

Day 154 to 156 – June 2nd to 4th, 2020

Well. I have some processing to do. Yesterday, I had a bit of a… blow out? Argument? Massive yelling session? With my dad, and well… I don’t remember the last time I yelled that loudly or angrily. I was yelling so loudly that neighbours from 5-6 houses down were poking their heads out or coming onto their patios to see what the commotion was (I was yelling outside on the patio, which is why). I yelled so much that my throat was sore after. It got to the point that my voice became shrill (Olivia laughed after because she said it was like a mouse was screaming angrily and that it was almost adorable LMAO). 

Here’s how it began: Daniella recently got a pool for her birthday, and we’ve all been really excited about it because she said we could use it sometimes too. We’ve all been wanting to help her out with it as well so that she wasn’t setting everything up by herself. We have two massive pine trees in our backyard that were kind of in the way of the pool, and also dead pine leaves were falling from the lower branches into it as well. So, we decided to cut down all the lower branches of the tree in order for there to be more room for the pool and the surrounding area. 

My mom went last night to go help Daniella cut down the lower branches, and we were all out on the patio marvelling at how much clearer and better everything looked with the branches cut down. All of a sudden my dad came out onto the patio as well, and he started getting upset with my mom for cutting down the branches of the tree. I could smell alcohol on his breath (which was probably a part of the reason why he was getting excessively angry for no reason) and he kept going inside of the house and back out on the patio to yell even more at my mom. My mom didn’t say anything because she legit doesn’t care anymore, but I was getting more and more upset by the minute as he began to threaten her with (and believe me, I know this is ridiculous over A TREE) calling the police on her for cutting down the tree without his permission. He kept yelling that she was going to be in a lot of trouble if she kept it up and that she was (again, ridiculous), “damaging the ecosystem”. (IT’S A GODDAMN DEAD PINE TREE OMG). 

I had been firmly telling him to get back inside the house and that it was only a tree, but he kept yelling at my mom, and that’s when I finally snapped and lost it. I was like, “GET BACK INSIDE THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!” at the top of my lungs, and I think I stunned him, but he started yelling right back at me, telling me that he had a right to say whatever he wanted and that half the house was his. I honestly kind of blacked out at this point because I don’t really remember how it got to this, but I ended up bringing up his $6000 dollar debt from lottery tickets (once again, at the top of my lungs for everyone in my neighbourhood to hear, heh). 

I kept shrieking, “HOW DARE YOU!? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO HER THAT WAY AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT HER THROUGH!?!?! HOW DARE YOU!?” I was legit trembling with rage; my whole body was shaking from how angrily I was yelling at the top of my lungs. And then he was shouting back that he paid half the mortgage of this house and had a right to know what was happening in it, and that he could say whatever the fuck he wanted to say about it. Again, I don’t remember how this came up, but I screamed back something along the lines of how he wasted thousands upon thousands of dollars due to his gambling and he didn’t have any right to speak that way. 

At this point, he was absolutely livid and started yelling that he was going to sell this house, call his lawyer, leave, and that he didn’t want anything to do with any of us ever again. Olivia began yelling too, and we were both screaming “THEN GET OUT! WE DO NOT CARE! LEAVE!!!!!” 

My mom even came out of the backyard back to the house to ask us to stop screaming because people were coming out of their houses in the front of the street too (LMFAOOO). 

I think I stopped yelling after a certain point because he retreated to the living room, but holy shit I was shook. I was shook by my own damn self. I was shaking so hard that I thought my legs were going to give out from under me. I had to go outside and sit down and calm down before I passed out, because I was feeling dizzy from all the blood that had rushed to my head. Bea came outside to sit with me for a little bit, and I apologized to Daniella from the patio for everything she had to listen to in those moments. (My mom told us afterwards that Daniella was so scared and shocked that she didn’t know what to do and went back into her place LOOOL omg). 

No one that I know outside my family has ever heard or seen me like that, so I know it was pretty shocking for her. But, she said she understood because she could tell that my frustration was obviously bubbling inside for a while and I just let it all out. 

I had no idea I was that angry, actually. I mean, I’m usually pretty good with processing my emotions when it comes to things like this, the relapses. But, I guess because we never really got a chance to talk to him about it and we all pretended like nothing happened and business in our household resumed as normal, I never dealt with my emotions regarding what happened properly.

I was also just so, so incredibly mad about how he was speaking to my mom. I know that he’s repressing anger at having been caught again, resentful that his secret credit card and “financial freedom” got taken away, and that my mom is once again the person who’s truly financially in control once more and that he has to ask her for money when he wants it. But he’s taking it all out on her without even for a second being remorseful for the part that he played in this. And my mom is so tired of fighting with him, that she just takes his yelling and bad attitude. I had ENOUGH. I promised her that I would have her back, and I did. 

I don’t know man. How can he not see that he has a problem? It wouldn’t matter if he had a credit card to himself if he didn’t spend every single cent of it on lottery tickets and alcohol and racked up a debt, every single time. He’s completely financially irresponsible and incapable of having large sums of money without blowing it all. Time and time again, we’ve seen proof of that in these relapses. So how can we trust him? How can we NOT be angry with him? How can we NOT bring up the gambling problem, and have that be the only thing we can see when it comes to him? Especially when this keeps happening without resolve? Without him asking for help or being sorry about it? It’s almost as though he’s being pridefully in denial about it all, as though he’s in the right. But he’s not. 

The day before, Olivia and my mom got into a bit of an argument themselves. Olivia finally told my mom that she had upset her by saying that she had nothing to be proud of us for. They talked openly and vulnerably and my mom sincerely apologized for the things she said while she was in pain. She expressed that she was aware of her conditioning; all the things she’s been taught by our culture and the perspectives that she holds that can be damaging. They came to an understanding as I helped to facilitate their conversation, and all three of us came to a realization. 

We were taking turns getting upset with each other or having discord amongst the three of us, when really it was dad that we were all mad at. We just hadn’t had the opportunity to deal with it or say anything to him, and we were all taking it out on each other instead. My mom started crying when she explained how angry she was and how much pain she was in, and I started crying when I saw her pain. It’s just not fair man. Her life should now have been like this. It should not have been filled with this much suffering. She doesn’t deserve it. 

And that’s why I reacted the way I did, ultimately. My protective side came out, guns blazing, no holds barred. I would go to war for the women I love, my mom and my sister. I would burn it all to the ground if I had to. I can’t stand to see them in pain, and I couldn’t bear to hear the things my dad was saying to my mom in a drunken spiteful rage. All over A TREE. A TREE. 

Anyways, eventually I settled down and decided to go help out my mom and Daniella in the backyard. Before I did though, I stopped by the living room and decided to apologize to my dad. I calmly told him that I was sorry for the things I said while I was angry. He was still super upset though, so he shouted that when he made a decision, he would not take a step back from it, and would move forward. He yelled that he was deeply hurt and didn’t want to see any of us ever again and that he was done, he was leaving. Unfazed, I peacefully told him that whatever his decision may be, as his daughter, I was apologizing for the way my anger got the best of me and for saying some things that I maybe shouldn’t have, and for hurting his feelings. After that, I left to go outside and that was that. 

I apologized because I genuinely felt bad for the way I flung his own short-comings at him. He’s an addict, and he’s sick. Me yelling at him and bringing up his mistakes is like me yelling at someone who can’t help the fact that they are unwell. I could have had a proper conversation with him and calmly told him to stop yelling at my mom without bringing up things that I knew would deliberately hurt him. Nevertheless, I don’t regret my anger and I don’t regret how things went down at the end of the day. I’m human. I have my limits and my own flaws. I did the right thing by apologizing, not just for him but for my own peace of mind. Now, I just want space for the time being. 

Adrian is coming to pick me up today and I’m going to be staying at his place through this weekend, which I think I really need. Thank goodness. Usually we’re all here at my place during the weekend and that’s become something of a tradition during the last two months, but Olivia will also be spending this weekend at Trevor’s, so all four of us won’t be here. I considered staying home for my mom, but Bea promised to keep an eye on my mom and hang out with her. 

So, how do I feel about it all now? 

My heart is still a little sad. I think it’s like… my inner kid in my heart, you know? The little girl who still feels like she has a broken family. But, I’m here for that little girl now. And I love her. I’m here to hold her hand and be that loving presence that she always wanted. And we’re going to have fun and play and live life to the fullest no matter what. I’m going to take care of her. I’ve got her back, and she is safe. 

She knows it’s no longer her duty to save anyone, and that the state of her family is no longer the state of her own well-being. Even if the “house” burns down, she will not burn down with it. She is free now. 

I, am free. 

I cried while I wrote that, and my heart feels so much more light now. Love is so powerful. Self-love, is so, so empowering and freeing. It warms my heart to know that the same way I am there for the ones I love most in my life, I am there for me too. 

Writing is so important, I must remember that. It is my healing. It’s my way of untangling the messy knot of feelings and thoughts that collect between my head and my heart. 

Anyways, I did a hot oil treatment for my hair earlier today, and it’s time now to go shower and wash it out. I promise to write some time this weekend and check in with myself to see how I’m doing. 

I love you, me. So very much. 

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.

Day 147 to 153 – May 26th to June 1st, 2020

HAPPY NEW MONTH! And just like that, May is over. It’s officially June! New month, new opportunities, new moments to be created. I’m sure it’s going to be a good month! (At least, I hope). 

May really passed by in a blur, throughout the end of the month. I didn’t write as much as I should have, but here we are again with a new month and a new chance to begin again. I shall dedicate this log to being a proper catch-up log, because it’s been a while. 

Where to begin!? Do I talk about what’s going on in the outside world first, or the inside world? I guess I’ll talk about the outside world and then how I have been relating to it as of late afterwards. 

Well, the pandemic is still going on strong; we’ve officially surpassed 6 million cases worldwide and some countries are only now beginning to face the brunt of the disease, like Brazil. Here in Canada, the past few days have seen a decline in cases from 1000 per day to about 900 per day, so that’s positive. It seemed that there could be a possible second wave and it hasn’t been ruled out yet completely, but it does seem like some industries are returning to business as usual (save for all the new protocols that have been implemented). 

Nevertheless, it does seem as though quarantine is continuing on into June, seeing as many things remain closed and social distancing is still being strongly encouraged. They’re placing 6 foot circles 10 meters apart in some parks, such as Trinity Bellwoods. Personally, I like the idea of this so that people can actually enjoy being outside again, but I hope that there aren’t the idiot few who ruin it for the many by not respecting the spacing guidelines. 

What a year man. It’s been crazy so far. It genuinely feels like a movie sometimes. But this is real life. 

Anyways, moving on to inside life. Things have been good! I’ve been back on my ADHD medication (in an attempt to be focused as well as moderate my weight), and I’ve been pretty productive lately. I’ve taken up running three times a week, and slowly but surely my stamina is increasing. I do want to be healthier overall, so I’m glad that I’ve been getting more consistent about my runs. 

I’ve cleaned out my closet and wardrobe to get rid of old clothing, reorganized everything and bought some cute new dresses (which I hope I’ll somehow get the opportunity to wear out some time this summer LOL). The house renovation projects have been going well (not that I’ve had any part in it hehehehe) and now our place is looking so much more bright and new. Quarantine really has been benefitting all of us in the best ways possible. 

Now that I’ve finished my painting, I need a new project to keep me busy. I know I should be working on my book, so maybe sometime this week I can return to that. I didn’t get a first draft done by today the way I hoped I would. But nevertheless, that first chapter is a good start. Chapter 2 shall arrive shortly. In the meanwhile, I would like to begin another painting, and my gardening has been keeping me a little busy as well. I have new plant babies! An aloe plant, and some beautiful lilies outside. I repotted my aloe plant with my bare hands and my heart is so happy :’). 

My anxiety has been getting a bit better. I don’t know if it’s a combination of physical exercise, more sun and vitamin D, being more productive and regulating my sleep cycles, but whatever it is or as a whole, things have been improving. My anxiety sort of made a flare-up after the whole thing with dad. Also, I had to have yet another talk with my mom because she did end up having one of her misdirected meltdowns/tantrums towards me despite the pre-emptive talk I had with her before. It went well, but Olivia happened to be there too and some things that my mom said inadvertently triggered her, which led to her having a bit of a meltdown herself. 

I’m glad that Nadia showed me the book “Not the Price of Admission”, a book about healing your relationship with yourself and others after having a traumatic or difficult childhood. I’m no longer attached to the point that I embody my mom’s pain, fears, worries, anxieties and projections as my own. In fact, the distance between us allows me the space to love her better and understand her deeper. I also know that even though sometimes her love seems conditional, on many other levels it isn’t. And wherever it is conditional, it’s up to me to love myself accordingly. 

What got Olivia was that my mom was basically saying she doesn’t have any reason to be proud of us because neither of us have our licenses yet, neither of us have graduated yet, and we don’t have anything to show for years of being in school. And I very calmly explained to her that if the only reasons she could be proud of us were for those reasons in particular, then that was very sad and I felt very sorry for her. I explained that Olivia and I have grown up to be beautiful, strong, intelligent women who are kind-hearted and good. That we’re figuring out our lives to the best of our abilities and doing whatever we can to better ourselves. That in itself should be more than enough reason to be proud of us. 

I explained it all to Olivia afterwards, when she let me know that mom had gotten to her. How important it is that we learn to be proud of OURSELVES first, and love ourselves unconditionally the way a parent should. We have to be the parent we never had by filling in all our own wounds first, so that this cycle of expectation and projection doesn’t continue when we have kids. It starts with us, to break the cycle of pain. I told her that she has to fulfill her own life’s purpose first and foremost for herself, and that everything else would fall into place accordingly. 

It’s not easy to be told by your parent that you are their only sole source of happiness and that their peace of mind resides completely on you and your “accomplishments” in life. That’s a lot of pressure. I know she ultimately wants us to be happy and successful, and we will be, but on OUR terms and on our OWN time. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for today! 

I’m still going with the flow and letting life take me where it will. Whatever is meant to be, will be. 

I’ll try to start writing more again this month and keep myself updated, and try to do more emotional/mental check-ins during this time! Lot’s of heaviness in the air these days. It’s important to rest, recharge and transmute that energy. 

Until tomorrow! 

Love always, 

Me.