Day 75 – 80 – March 16 – 21, 2018

I’m home!!!!! It’s good to be back.

I have to write about the last five days of the end of my trip. The days that truly changed my life, that changed me.

I didn’t find a moment to write at all during these days because I was so fully immersed in the moments that were given to me. I lived, in every single possible way that I could, as deeply and as fully as I could. And it was incredible. I’m still in awe and I’m also very much at peace, still and content. This past week of my life has strengthened my bond with the universe more so than I could have ever dreamed possible. It strengthened my intuition, the call of my inner voice. And it strengthened my relationship with myself – now more than ever do I know who I am, what I am, what I can offer, and ultimately… what I want for my life.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

So, let’s backtrack to where I left off, which was the day I left to San Pedro.

It was the Friday, March 16th, and little did I know but I was in for the most amazing weekend of my entire life thus far. I packed up all my stuff in the morning at my hostel into two big bags (essentially ready to backpack my way through San Pedro), and off I went to go catch the water taxi over.

On the water taxi over, this girl ended up sitting beside me out of the blue. What I noticed was that she had a lot less stuff than I did – just a backpack, and that was about it. I was kind of in my own world for the most part until I overheard a very interesting snippet of her conversation with the gentleman beside her; she mentioned that the way she’d ended up in Belize was by hitch-hiking from Mexico.

Curiosity immediately piqued, I looked over to her and caught her attention, and I was like, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but… did I just overhear you saying that you hitch-hiked your way to Belize from Mexico!?”

She laughed and nodded, then introduced herself. Her name was Haley, she was 22 years old from Australia and for the past half year of her life, she’d been travelling the world through hitch-hiking, back-packing and staying at guest houses and hostels. She’d been both pick-pocketed and mugged (once in Africa and another time in Mexico), had been without a phone or credit card for about a month, and… she was doing perfectly fine.

I was astounded. I couldn’t help but ask, “but… how did getting mugged make you feel? Wasn’t it frustrating and scary?” and with the biggest smile ever, she was like, “I mean, I did cry for a day! But the next day, I was fine. I’m sure that person needed my phone in that moment more than I ever have. And I’ve been perfectly okay without it. So why dwell, right?”

She’s honestly one of the most positive people I’ve ever met in my life. A living embodiment of “change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change”. Regardless of what experiences she had accumulated (good or bad), because of the way she chose to look at her situations, she was able to shape her reality. It was awe-inspiring.

She’d spent months in different countries in Africa, in Asia, and now she was making her way through Central America for the next little while. She was in the midst of her law degree, but taken time of school to travel because she knew once she was settled into her career, she wouldn’t have time for it anymore. And her parents were fully supportive of her doing this. It made my heart sing.

We exchanged information and she promised me that next time I come down to Australia, that I should totally visit her and she’d take me around to everywhere she thought I should go. And originally, after spending two nights in San Pedro I had planned to go meet up with her in Caye Caulker for one of my last days but… well… what happened next, changed everything. Regardless though, I know I will run into her again one day in some part of the world. I’m sure she’ll have a lot to teach me, more than she already has already.

She got off at Caye Caulker, and I headed onwards to San Pedro. I was a slight bit apprehensive because I had heard that San Pedro was more touristy and I was looking for more of an authentic local vibe. But man. San Pedro was everything I could have hoped for and more.

Once I got to San Pedro, I hitched a quick taxi over to my hostel to check in. My hostel was called Sandbar, and it was absolutely perfect – there was a little bar and chill lounge area built right in leading out to the beach, and right in front of it was a bar-grill-lounge place called “Palapa” that everyone always went to since you were able to float out on tubes in the sea while enjoying your drink in the sun, and it was all connected to a gorgeous dock over-looking the water.

I checked in and settled all my stuff into my dormitory, which was a females-only kind of dorm full of cool bunkbeds and private lockers. Even the bathrooms and showers were nice, everything was so clean and so neat and it made me so happy – it went against every single stigma I had ever heard about hostels being unclean and unsafe for solo female travellers. Not to mention, because of my dorm being so open and free, I was able to meet some amazing travellers from all over the world, of all ages and amazing stories to tell.

Anyways, once I settled in, I threw on my bathing suit and headed to Palapa to grab a bite to eat. At this point, I was so comfortable with being on my own that I headed straight to the bar side, hopped on a bar stool and grabbed a menu. I said hi to everyone who passed by, happily. I can’t begin to explain how comfortable this trip has made me with my own company. Taking myself out to dinner and movies during last year were some amazing baby steps, yes. But nothing compared to what travelling and even living by myself has taught me about being on my own. I am happy. I am content in my own presence. I am at peace with who I am when I am with me. It’s truly a beautiful feeling to know that if I ever seek company, it’s because I genuinely enjoy and want it rather than need it to feel complete.

I ordered some delicious fish tacos and ended up striking up a conversation with one of the bartenders, who in turn made me a “rumarita” for free (because he knew I hated the tequila in margaritas). After that, I decided I’d take my drink and head outside to lounge around in the pool tubes and get some water time in for the first time in my entire trip – the water was irresistibly beckoning me for some time.

Once I made my way out there, I noticed that there were two girls already in tubes and one of them was sitting on the steps, talking to them both. They all seemed to know each other and… I don’t know, I can’t explain it, I really can’t. I can’t explain what made me drift over to them, swim up next to them and pick a tube. It felt like… I was drawn to them, to their energy. Once I settled into their conversation (I don’t even remember what we talked about at this point), by like half an hour in it felt like we’d all known each other for some time.

It turned out that two of them did know each other and had travelled together, and that the other girl was a solo traveller who had just checked in to the same hostel that I was staying at!! That girl’s name was KT, and she was absolutely beautiful and bubbly and her super chill vibe reminded me so much of Krystal that I liked her pretty much immediately. The other girl in the tube was Cherie, and her friend who was tanning on the dock was named Jessica. Cherie was super funny, friendly, and reminded me so much of me in her out-going and warm nature, and Jessica was that person you just knew you’d have a good time with, no matter where you went or what you did, with that sense of humour that would have you rolling around on the floor in laughter.

We stayed in those tubes for quite some time, just talking and getting to know one another and laughing. Once the sun began to set, we agreed to exchange numbers and set up a group chat since all of us had iPhones, and that way we could maybe hang out at night together.

The rest is just history man. (kidding, I’m going to keep writing of course). But I mean like… man. I’m still shaking my head in awe at how everything else proceeded to unfold from this point onwards.

I have to go and get ready to go hang out with Olivia, Bianca and Bethany tonight to help Bianca out with a project for school and also to catch up on everything! But I’m going to continue this once I get back. I’ve only just begun too! Holy man. It’s going to take a while to capture the epicness of everything that’s occurred. But I’m looking forward to re-living it in such vivid detail one last time, especially to remember and solidify everything I learnt, how I feel, and all the ways in which I have grown.

‘Til I get back!

~

Day 242, 243, 244, 245 – August 30th – September 2nd

Yikes, this writing every four days thing is turning into quite a habit! But in my defense though, this week has been one of the busiest weeks of this summer for me – I’ve been working quite literally every day, and also in double shifts. I’ve been going back and forth between both jobs all week, which means all I’ve been doing is sleeping, working and eating when I get the chance, LOL. But you know, it’s been great! Mentally I feel fantastic and quite proud of myself, but physically it did catch up to me a little bit. Either way, I got to have the morning off for the first time in a while so I got to catch up on some much needed sleep and rest.

And now I can catch up here!

So, working every day at second job has been great but it got to a point that I was getting a little bit stressed out; throughout the summer, my shifts were spaced out in a way that made it easy for me to handle. But working every day straight? It’s definitely a fast paced environment and you definitely encounter all kinds of people. I’ve found that the customers in this industry are a lot less nice than the customers in the retail industry at times. I wonder if it’s because they’re hangry? LOL.

But really though, I never realized how picky people can be when it comes to seating and whatnot. Having worked all summer in this restaurant, I finally don’t see the appeal of “booths” anymore. I get you want to be comfortable when you eat but, why go to that much trouble?!

Ah well! It is what it is. Regardless of all that, I’ve genuinely enjoyed working at this job, learning how to problem solve on the fly, taking initiative, being my friendly, out-going self towards guests, and getting to meet as many people as I have. Not to mention, everyone who works there is so cool and so nice. I know I’ll be cutting down my hours once school begins, but in all honesty, I may be taking a brief hiatus from the job altogether if I can’t keep up with both jobs. We’ll see what’s meant to happen! School has got to come first above all from this point forward.

It’s September now!!! I can’t believe how quickly this month has come. Already, the weather has become reflective of what month we’re in – the breeze has cooled significantly, temperatures have dropped, and I can already hear the rustle of dead leaves being scattered across the ground in the morning when I first wake up. I LOVE FALL SO MUCH. Hands down, it’s my favourite season of all seasons. That crisp refreshing chill in the air, the stunning variation of colours that the leaves change into. Getting to break out my favourite leather jacket, LOL. I love it all.

I have so much to do once school begins! I got to buy my books, orient myself with my new school schedule, HOLY CRAP I CAN’T WAIT TO GET BACK. Man how I’ve missed the structure that school brings about. No more forgetting what day it is! I hate when the days blur together with no sense or purpose. Like even now, I had to struggle to remember that today is Saturday. Doesn’t feel like a Saturday! But in a couple weeks, Saturday will feel like Saturday once more.

One thing I’ve loved about summer was that I found the perfect balance between me-time and also being productive as possible. I managed to find time to grow as a person, learn, read the most amazing books, paint my room, meditate, hang out with the people I care about most, AND I managed to keep up with two jobs alongside it all. I know it’s going to be different once I integrate school into this equation, but no matter what I must continue to find time for myself. It’s integral to the maintenance of my mental and spiritual health!

I have to go back to that list I made at the start of this summer and cross off all the things I did for myself, and perhaps add a brief explanation/story to each goal that I managed to accomplish. I can’t wait! I think I’ll do that tomorrow, since this morning is beginning to wane and I have some obligations that I need to attend to before I head to work this afternoon.

Speaking of work!

So Dylan didn’t end up coming in during the week as I expected, but I had heard offhand it was because he had gotten stuck in Houston! Which didn’t quite make sense, but then I wondered if it was because of a stopover or something, so I ended up messaging him to make sure he was okay.

Turns out, he was stuck in Detroit because of the delays of what was happening in Houston, so there was definitely some broken telephone going on in the department LOL. Nonetheless, I was glad that he was okay.

So I figured I wouldn’t be seeing him for a while, because he explained to me that the rain was insane and that the highways back to Toronto were all flooded as a result. But when I came into work yesterday, he was there!!! Holy crap, I was super happy LMAO. I settled in and put all my stuff away and then I pretty much ran over to say hi, hehe. Ah man, that smile he got when he saw me. Sigh.

We slowly started catching up throughout the shift here and there, but then towards the end of the day we spent the entire time just talking endlessly about his travels in Las Vegas and everything I learnt that night that I decided to get my tattoo, how Leila got it too and the story of why, and about the different experiences he got as a result of the MMA tournaments he attended while in Vegas. When he told me the story of how he met John Kavanagh, the way his eyes lit up was so absolutely endearing, I can’t. He told me that if he could sit down and have coffee with anyone in the world, it would have been him or Paolo Coelho.

When we talk and he gets really into what he’s saying, he like, enunciates the statement by saying my name at the end of it. Like, “You have no idea, ___.” And I don’t know why, but I love it so, so much LMAO. Why am I so weird!? It just sounds so good.

Olivia came to visit me during work, so he stopped by to say hi to her and ask her how she was doing, and how camp was, which was sweet.

And then at the very end of his shift (and my favourite part of this day), I happened to be looking for a bag in the back where he keeps his stuff. When I was about to walk away, he stopped me to ask me if I had any days off next week!!! Which totally threw me off guard, I got all nervous and stammer-y because I did NOT see that coming. But, I did happily say that I did have a little bit of free time before school started, and he said that we would figure out a day to hang out next week then. Yay!

Honestly, a part of me thought that he wouldn’t ask when he got back from his trip. The old part of me though, the little ghost of my old doubts and fears. But he did! I really do need to have more faith in this universe and in my self.

I’m so happy! So many new starts, and this is why I love September. We’re nearing the end of this year, yet this part of the year feels like a whole new beginning. But really though, every moment can be the start of something new if you just allow it to be.

I think that’s that for today! I’m so excited for this upcoming week! I must find time to write throughout it all, I don’t want to miss a minute of any of it.

I kind of wish I cut down my availability for this week with my second job, because I have two shifts that I wish I didn’t have. But it’s okay! Last little bit of money before I get back into it with school. Everything happens as it is meant to.

I’ll write some time tomorrow after my shift! I finish early, so maybe I can even go into the summer list I made and see what I’ve done for myself in these past couple months. That’s going to be fun.

Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 238, 239, 240, 241 – August 26th, 27th, 28th, & 29th

I’m back! It’s been an amazing past couple days, I don’t even know where to begin. But I must start somewhere, because I really don’t want to forget the incredible magic and energy of this weekend, the bonding that occurred and the moments that were created. But before I get into this, there’s this weird feeling I have that I want to address (as fleeting as it may be).

I feel like I’ve come so far in how much I’ve learnt that… I’m no longer as attached to writing as I once was. This feeling could be temporary, as all thoughts and feelings are. But like… how do I explain this?

I was so happy in those past moments of this weekend. In those moments. To the point that I no longer feel attached to them, to the point that I don’t feel the need to capture them. They’ve come and gone and I’ve accepted that, because the ways they’ve made me change and grow will be with me forever. Weird eh? It’s interesting. The moment I decided to practice detachment in my life, getting that “let go” tattoo, the more I realized I wanted to be more present in my present. To let the moments come as they did, and to let them go once they went.

It’s okay that I don’t particularly feel the need to write anymore – in fact, it’s great. But, I also feel like I don’t want to stop, because this entire document, these 303 pages of memories, words, lessons, growth, and happiness, have been such a monumental part of who I’ve become. And I’m still on this journey with so much more to learn. Not to mention, I’m about to start a whole new chapter, full of challenges but also lessons to be learnt – with August coming to a close, September looms and so does the start of school. I want to be able to have an outlet as these things happen.

So, just because I’m no longer as attached to my past moments as I once was, doesn’t mean I should stop writing or feel hesitant about it. This place is my safe space, my haven. The place I can be completely and utterly honest with myself, the place I can vent, or even express my greatest happinesses so that I can share them with myself.

Okay, I feel better now! There’s still so much more to come and I would like to be able to talk with myself about it, not just document everything that happens. This log is so much more than just a place to record my memories, thoughts and feelings. It’s a mirror, reflecting back at me all the ways I’ve grown and changed.

Alright! That being said, let’s get into this weekend. I now know that I don’t necessarily need to get into detail with every single moment that’s passed, but rather touch upon and highlight the things that I would like to remember the most.

It was a bonding weekend unlike any other. The atmosphere and energy of this place… I can’t even begin to express. There was so much fun to be had, but also so much growth and learning, and expression and honesty.

On the Saturday, we made the most of our road trip by stopping in multiple places before getting to the cottage itself. A waterfall, a little beach near one of the many beautiful lakes, a park with a tiny kid-safe zip line that we made the most of, LOL. Honestly, I love that no matter how much time passes, when we all get together it feels like no time has passed at all. We always laugh, joke around, make the most of the moments we spend together. That’s what family is supposed to be like.

Once we got to the cottage, we settled in and built up tents so that all the kids could have a massive sleepover outside near the cottage and the parents could sleep inside of it. Our massive sixteen-person tent fit three air mattresses in it, had a lamp AND a little heater! We were definitely very comfortable and very well-off.

I can’t quite remember now the intricate little details that formed this weekend, but I do remember the massive growth inducing moments that made this weekend what it was.

It started when all eight of the kids were sitting in the living room of the cottage, just relaxing after having eaten a good lunch. We all began to talk, as we usually do, about whatever came to mind. And although I promised myself I wouldn’t go into my new-found spirituality and wisdom (which was silly of me, now that I think about it), I ended up talking about my night out in downtown and what Sanjeev taught me that night that I decided to get my “let go” tattoo. And the conversation that we ended up having as a result? It blew my mind and made me happier than I could have ever possibly imagined.

It turns out that everyone was in pursuit of the same kind of knowledge, happiness and growth that I myself have been in pursuit of. Every single one of them!!! The meditation, the self-love, the spirituality, the self-awareness. We talked for HOURS. About the nature of forgiveness, of letting go, of growing as a person. People got emotional even, with the depth of our conversation. It was enlightening and freeing. It was pure, simple and genuine. It turns out we each had something to teach each other, each of us had ideas to contribute.

Throughout this weekend, every intention that was spoken aloud manifested. Be it something as simple as wanting an opportunity to speak to someone individually, or wanting to have the same growth-inducing conversation with our parents. Which did end up happening, actually – on one of the nights, all the kids and all the adults sat together and ended up getting into a spontaneous but massive conversation/debate about love, life, marriage, dating, divorce, regrets, you name it. The parents taught us things, and we taught them. There was so much love in that room, that night.

I’m so in awe of this weekend, the way that things happened. It was more than I could have possibly hoped for and expected. We all played volleyball together, we went hiking through this amazing trail that was close by, we went swimming and just lounged around, enjoying each other’s company. And on the last night, as hard as I tried to stay awake, I kept falling asleep, but I woke up here and there to hear the kids venting or getting emotional about things in life that they feared the most or things that hurt the most. Despite my state of consciousness, I could hear the pain and feel their fears and I was so glad that these things were being openly expressed.

In the morning, I woke up early and just looked at each of them in turn, feeling in my heart how much I loved each and every one of them. And then I headed out to the side of the lake to read some of my book, “Awakening the Buddha Within”.

This book has truly been opening my eyes to my own inner Buddha, my spirituality and self-awareness. Something that stood out to me from the book was the idea of “loving-kindness” – extending a strong empathy, love and kindness towards every single being on this earth, including the smallest bug or the people you have wronged you. This kind of compassion would lead to a consistently happy life, a life that could better others.

After that, I went close to the shore of the lake to meditate and reflect upon everything I had learnt and experienced this weekend. I thought about every single person there in turn, brought up their face in my mind, and was filled with an over-flowing sense of true and unconditional love. I pictured the faces of the people in my life that I love and care about, extending that love to them. And then I thought of the people who “wronged” me, the people I categorized as the ones I “disliked”. I thought about Natalia, about Amanda, about Kelly even. I thought about Don and Nick. I thought about some of my managers at work. I imagined them all smiling, and happy. And I offered them my forgiveness, my good intentions. I do not want to be someone who goes through this life “disliking” anyone. I cannot afford to keep those kinds of energies with me any longer.

I want to be someone who offers compassion to my perceived greatest enemy. I want to be someone who can smile at someone who has wronged me, and genuinely wish them nothing but the best in life. I want to be able to put myself in their shoes, understand that they’re also people with deep wishes, fears, happinesses and lives to be led. Although all of this is easier said than done, this is the kind of life I want to lead.

And so, I forgave. I let go. I no longer harbour any ill-will or resentment towards any of these people. If I ever run into any of these people, I will smile at them and know that all of those past negative energies have been released. I have nothing to gain by holding onto old grudges or feelings of hurt.

I want to be kind. I want to practice this loving-kindness in every single aspect of my life. I want to better the lives of others, of everyone, not just the people in my life whom I care about.

There’s so much re-wiring I have to do for myself. But I intend to be as self-aware as I can, to catch every single negative thought that tries to enter my mind, and politely ask it to leave. It no longer has a place in my mind to stay. When I opened my eyes after the meditation, there were tears in my eyes, but not of sadness. They came from a place of pure love and happiness.

At the end of this amazing weekend, all the kids and I sat down at the picnic table by the lake one last time. We all held hands to share our energy with one another and I led them through a guided meditation. I asked them to focus on their breathing, to remember all the ways they’ve grown and changed this summer. To let go of all the negativity with every exhale. To really take in this moment, to listen to the gentle sound of the water lapping at the shore, the soft call of the birds in the background. I asked them to take a moment to visualize the exact ways they wanted this upcoming year to look like for them. To imagine the happiness, the success, the excitement of a brand new chapter. To know that whatever happened, they could handle it, and that we would always have one another to return to because we were family. This was home. I wished them all courage, courage to let go where it was needed, and to remember that they each had an unconquerable strength within.

It was a beautiful moment. When we all opened our eyes once more, I could feel the lightness in the air.

After that, we shared a similar moment with the parents where we all held hands once more, and offered up our prayers and our gratitude for this weekend, for the forces that brought us together, for everything we learnt this weekend, and all the ways we bonded and grew. And with that, we all headed home.

This weekend was restorative, eye-opening, and enlightening for me. After having worked so hard the past week, this weekend was exactly what I needed to restore my energies and maximize them ten-fold, as well as prepare me for the start of a new chapter.

I hope that this weekend was exactly what each and every single one of my family needed too. And I know it was, because I can feel it. I feel so connected to each of them, because not only did we bond as a group, I know we also found ways to strengthen our individual relationships with one another where we could. It truly was the perfect way to end off this summer.

I am so excited for this new chapter for all of us. It’s filled to the brim with so much life, love, lessons, and more amazing moments to be had. I went swimming one last time on the last day, by myself, and swam out as far as I could. As I laid there, letting the waves rock my floating body to and fro, I felt one with the universe. I quietly whispered my goodbye to summer, and thanked it for everything it brought to me. And for once, it was a goodbye that was free of melancholy. Rather, I let go with happiness, understanding that I took everything I could from this beautiful chapter of my life. It’s still not quite over yet though! There’s still some days left and I intend to make the most of them before school truly begins.

So, that was this weekend! And now, I’m in the midst of yet another new week. I’ve got work shifts to look forward to – trying to take advantage of all this free time now so that I can save up money for later! I’m going to try to make plans with as many people as possible because I know once school begins, it’s going to be my number one priority and I won’t have as much time to hang out with people as I would like to.

We’ll see how things go. Definitely next week, I have to start mentally preparing myself for that school-mode mentality, get my bag ready with my agenda and possibly invest in a new laptop that I can take to school to make notes on. I’m so, so excited!

Anyways, I’m going to spend some time with myself now before I have to get ready for work. Oh, speaking of work! I think Dylan might be back in today (if he’s not too tired from having landed just yesterday). Throughout this weekend, even though I made sure to keep my phone away from me as much as I could and just be in the moment, he and I were texting for a little while for these past couple days! We talked about how he met one of his idols in Vegas – John Kavanagh, Conor McGregor’s COACH and the man who wrote Dylan’s favourite book. I was SO happy for him; I can still remember clear as day back in February when he was telling me the story behind “Win or Learn” and how much it inspired him. I can’t believe he got to meet him!

He also managed to wrangle his way into a media area and saw Conor McGregor super up close LOL. And, he also asked me where my favourite place was in Vegas (the Bellagio Botanical Gardens), so that he himself could go check it out (cute). He even asked me how things were progressing with my possible demo position, and let me know that he managed to get his old job back with the jewelry place he used to work at.

Which kind of made me wonder – I know that I feel like I “did my part” by finally telling him how I felt, but then I feel like I kind of stepped back because I didn’t want to come off too strongly after that. Solely because I’m really in no rush whatsoever and I definitely want to get to know him at whatever pace is comfortable to him but… I wonder if I’m not making the effort that I should be as a result of thinking I need to hold back? Hm. There must be some middle ground I can learn to walk on here – ways in which I can make effort towards this, but not come off as too invasive. Eh, I’ll figure it out. I’m not worried honestly, because I have complete faith in knowing that whatever is meant to happen, will happen, and it will happen exactly as it is meant to, no more or less.

I know he may not be in today, but he does have hours this weekend and I’m pretty excited to see him, heh. Honestly, I’ve missed him, and that gorgeous smile of his. I can’t wait to catch up about his entire trip and all the adventures he experienced, as well as tell him about my own adventures and everything I learnt the night I went out by myself in downtown and the story behind my tattoo. I hope we’ll get those moments to talk, somehow! And, he also did ask to reschedule our movie date to after he came back from Vegas, and now he’s back so we’ll see what conspires in regards to that.

We’ll see! Truly, whatever is meant to be will be.

So, that’s all for today! I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance, I think Olivia and I might be going to the CNE for some much-needed sisterly bonding time.

Until then!

Love always, all around,

Me.

Day 235, 236, 237 – August 23rd, 24th, & 25th, 2017

Hello! I haven’t written for the past couple days because I’ve been working double shifts back to back at each job for the past couple days and literally, once I got home, I would go right to sleep, wake up and do it again… and I LOVED IT. I felt amazing, so engaged and enthralled by the capabilities I unearthed over the past couple days. Especially at Joey’s – this is probably the most days I’ve worked in a row since I’ve started and I did really, really well!

I’ve got to backtrack though and talk about what I’ve missed since Tuesday, as it’s now Friday night.

So Leila and I went to go get her tattoo and it turned out so amazingly well! And she posted it on Instagram with a caption that was absolutely perfect – about the true essence of letting go, and the powerful nature behind our shared quote. Honestly, I’m so blessed to have such an equally self-aware best friend who’s on the same pursuit of positivity and conscientiousness that I am.

I ended up touching up my Roman numeral tattoo, and then we went off to have some delicious ramen. It’s so funny – even though we were together for hours, I’m so used to like spending a full day with her (and night), that those couple hours felt too short in comparison LOL! But it just goes to show how lucky I am – it’s not often you can find someone with whom you can spend an entire day with and not get tired of.

That was my amazing Tuesday, and I’ve been working every day since. I’m so amazed at how much energy I still had when I got home at the end of each day. While my body needed sleep (of course), my mind felt alert and energized despite the long hours of each shift. I feel amazing! I’m so in awe of how things can change once you start changing your perceptions and changing the direction of your energy towards your self.

So here I am, finally at the end of this week. Tomorrow, I shall be leaving to a cottage in a beautiful area full of nature, peace and serenity, and I can’t think of a better way to end off this summer. I’ll be surrounded by family, and finally taking a break from working as hard as I have been, and I can definitely say that I have earned this. I can’t wait!

A part of me still doesn’t quite believe that summer’s finally coming to its end, but I’m sure that this weekend will help greatly. It’ll be a nice way to say goodbye to this amazing chapter of my year.

I’ve got to go pack now and bed is calling my name (especially since we have to be up by 6 am tomorrow), but one last thing before I go.

I am this close to finalizing the plans for my new job change. I’ve gotten the green light from everyone who matters, and I’m just waiting for one more. The date for my last shift has even been picked!

I nearly teared up today, with the amount of sheer gratitude that flowed through my being. I just can’t believe that it’s possible for me to have everything I could have possibly hoped for! That old part of me that doubted when things got too good began to fret a little, but I truly have faith that everything will happen exactly as it’s meant to, and that the universe will always work in my favour as long as I do my part.

I’m going to continue to focus on maintaining this unshakeable faith in both myself and in the universe, as well as maintaining this resolute and boundless positive mentality that’s been doing me so well as of late. I can’t wait to learn more – I know I’ve only just begun, on this journey. And that thought excites me so much! I feel like I’ve already come so far and learnt quite a bit; what else does this universe have in store for me? What more do I have to learn? What wisdoms will I discover as I continue down this pathway? I’m so excited for it all.

Alright, I’ve got to pack real quick and then catch some shut-eye! I’m going to try my best to disconnect from my phone and technology and just really be present in the moment, and enjoy some quality time with my family, with nature, and with myself. I’ll write when I get back!

Here’s to this beautiful, ever-changing life.

Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 234 – August 22nd, 2017

Good morning! Oh boy, I’m really starting to lag behind in these logs! It is now Tuesday, August 22nd. And this week is already gotten off to an incredible start, and today is no exception in how much of an amazing day it’s promising to be! But first – I must finish about Saturday, Sunday, and then yesterday (Monday). Alright, back to Saturday, August 19th.

As I was walking back from Harbourfront to Union station to grab the train to go home, a thought dawned on me. I wanted to remember this night forever. And the one lesson, above all, that resonated with me the most? The idea of “letting go”. I wanted that with me forever. I wanted to remind myself, in my every present moment, to not hold on to or become attached to unnecessary things. I realized, I wanted a tattoo.

I could see it in my head. On my left wrist, in simple, loose-flowing script. But would it be “let go”? Or “let it go?” But the “it” of the “let it go” spoke of an object, and idea, the “attachment” if you will. I didn’t want “it” to be on me. Just purely the notion of detachment. And so, I chose “let go”.

And the minute this idea was in my head, I knew I needed to have it as soon as possible. I didn’t need to think about it, didn’t need any time to consider whether or not I wanted to commit to it. I just, knew. My “inside” knew.

I made a quick game plan – go home, sleep for 2 hours, wake up, and call each tattoo place I’ve ever gotten tattoos at to see who would be available for a walk-in before I had to go to work.

I did just that – and it turns out, the only place available was the one that I’d gotten my “maktub” tattoo and my Roman numeral tattoo done at. I was a little hesitant, because of what happened to my Roman numeral tattoo. But then I realized, my “maktub” turned out so well, and so I would just ask for the same girl to do this tattoo as well since she did such a good job. And with that, I got ready and headed out.

She and I worked together on the idea for about an hour. We went through about ten to fifteen different font ideas, we even looked up the phrase as a tattoo for design ideas. Finally, we narrowed it down to a few that resonated the most with both of us. She printed out a whole bunch for me, and let me look at them. I stared at each one in turn, trying to see which one made my heart skip a beat, relying on my intuition.

And there was this one that I knew had the most potential, but it just seemed like something was missing. She gave me a pencil, and I started playing around with it, adding tiny details like elongating the swirl of the l, and so forth. And then she could see where I was going with it, and added some details herself. The final product? Perfection. I loved that we had collaborated and turned it into something a little more custom and original than just a simple font.

It took about fifteen minutes to do, and she did an incredible job. It has to be one of my all-time favourite tattoos, for sure. My heart was singing afterwards, and I couldn’t stop looking at it. I still can’t.

And now, every time I have a conversation with someone where they’re bombarding me with their negativity, complaints, exhaustion, bad energy, or anything of that sort? Once I walk away, I simply look at my wrist, breathe deeply, and let go. Every time I catch myself getting lost in my thoughts about some past event that causes me feel things that are unnecessary? My wrist is right there to remind me to let go. If I ever start to worry about some distant event in the future that may or may not even happen and the anxiety begins to bubble up in the pit of my stomach? I now have the means to remember to let go. Let go of my fears, my worries, my anxieties, my insecurities, my attachment to the unnecessary. The more consistently I cultivate this mind frame, the more consistent my happiness will become.

This was, hands down, one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.

After I got that done, I went to work and had an amazing shift. Which brings me to Sunday!

I worked, and once again it was another great shift. But some extra great things happened that day too! For instance, Leila was at the CNE that day and she encountered some extremely rude people, and while that experience had the potential to ruin her whole day, she instead chose to breathe, smile and let go of it. And then she was happy once more! And that’s when she realized, she’d also like to get a “let go” tattoo as well.

I’M SO EXCITED! Not only is this going to be her first tattoo, it makes me so happy and I’m so honored that we will be sharing the same positive mantra, for how deeply it’s resonated with us both. I want everyone in my life to be as purely and consistently happy as possible.

So that’s what we’re going to be doing today – she’s going to be coming with me to my tattoo shop, and then after she gets the tattoo done we’ll be going for ramen. Hence why I know this day is going to be exceptional!

Going back to Sunday though – Olivia and Alycia came home!!! And finally, they’re home for GOOD! As much as I enjoyed having the house to myself the entire weekend, it was equally as nice to have my entire family be home as well.

And one last great thing about Sunday (actually, it started Saturday night, picked up Sunday, and continued into yesterday which was Monday).

Of course I’m going to be approaching all of this with a healthy detachment after everything I’ve experienced this weekend, but also who am I if I’m not celebrating the little details that make me happy?

So, after I got my tattoo done, I sent Dylan a snapchat of it because I knew he and I share the same mutual love for tattoos. And later on Saturday evening, he texted me to ask me where I got it done, and to tell me he much he liked it, and that he loved how ballsy of me it was to do so spontaneously, which was nice of him.

We talked briefly about it, which led into him asking me on Sunday, if I would be working on Monday, because he wanted to return my book to me before he went off to Vegas. (And yes, while I am keeping my expectation level on the lower side, a part of me couldn’t help but be a little happy that he was trying to make an opportunity for us to see each other before he left as opposed to after he came back).

My curiosity was piqued at this point – did he finish the book, and did he like it? That book was super inspiring to me, a contemporary version of “Outwitting the Devil” if you will. Not only that, there were so many different wisdoms in it that resonated with me that I high-lighted a lot of it to remember. I couldn’t help but wonder if the book resonated with him too. Because, that would speak of his own self-awareness and conscientiousness – someone who wasn’t ready to receive that kind of wisdom, would not be able to take in what the book was offering to them. I definitely want to share all of this knowledge I’ve been acquiring as of this past year with the people I care about in my life but as I’ve also learnt, you can’t teach someone who isn’t willing to learn. If someone isn’t in the stage of their life where they’re actively seeking growth and awareness, then nothing you will say or share with them with make a difference. So, I was curious.

I asked him if he had finished, and turns out that he hadn’t – he was about three quarters of the way in, but felt bad because he felt as though he’s had the book forever.

So I proposed two ideas back – if the book was appealing to him and he was enjoying it, then I was in no rush whatsoever to get it back any time soon. He should definitely keep it and finish it. But, if he felt he had gotten all he could out of the book, then I understood that as well and there was no pressure to finish it. (As much as I would have loved to have seen him, I would rather he get all he could out of the book to aid in his own growth and wisdom because I know now that I’ll see him when I’m meant to).

To my delight, he wanted to keep it and finish it up on the plane to Las Vegas and asked if I would be okay with that, to which I whole-heartedly agreed.

It got even better though – he shortly thereafter texted to let me know he sent me a cool video on IG to watch. I was working, but I decided to go outside and watch it so that I could really hear it and take it in. Not to mention, the sun was setting at that time and it was stunning.

The video was of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, talking about how once upon a time, when he was first starting out in his life, he was on the NFL as a part of the Calgary Stampeder’s team. And he was so happy, because in his mind at the time, that was the end goal for him, that was what he wanted for his life. And on the second day of playing, they cut him off the team! Of course, at that time, he was devastated – everything he worked for was taken away. But years down the line, when he looks back it now, after everything he’s achieved? He said that that was the best thing to NEVER happen to him. He said to have faith in the universe, because you never know what’s really meant for you, even if in the moment it seems as though you’re failing. Everything happens for a reason, even if the reason only becomes apparent years down the line.

I watched it twice, and then immediately texted back saying how much I loved it, because it reminded me of the “maybe” parable that he had told me about weeks ago when he and I were in deep discussion at work. It was a direct example of how you never really know in what ways one experience in your life, be it bad or good, will affect the rest of your life.

And he completely agreed, and said that he had thought of me right away because of how the two stories go hand in hand so well. (My heart flipped at this point, couldn’t help it heh).

I ended up sending him a favourite clip of my own (a video that Anne actually sent me), by Denzel Washington, a short inspirational speech about changing your perception of failure called “Fall Forward”. He said it was outstanding, and that it got him so fired up that he ended up driving down to the gym to get a quick work out in, LOL. So cute. I also sent him a meme I’d seen recently that had to do with Eminem which made him laugh, and then another inspiring clip of Will Smith talking about the pointlessness of fear.

But the gist of all of this stuff?

While I was sitting outside, I put my phone down for a second to contemplate the significance of this exchange to me.

I don’t know what’s going to happen and this weekend has helped me to come to terms with this fact, and I’ve accepted it in order to practice that healthy level of detachment towards it all in a way that allows me to eradicate my anxieties and insecurities. I told myself at the beginning of this year that whatever relationship I decided to engage in next, I would strive to be my healthiest, most self-loving and independent me possible, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

But regardless of not knowing what the future holds – this exchange of motivational videos, growth-inducing concepts and positivity-focused perceptions? This is what I want for myself. This is the kind of exchange of ideals I want for whatever relationship I choose to invest myself in. I want to be with someone who will be open to learn from the wisdom I acquire, as well as someone who is eager to share with me what they learn themselves, too. I want to be with someone who is positive in every aspect of their life, who is motivated to make their life as amazing as possible. So, as simple as this text conversation was? It made me really, really happy.

I never realized how important it was to me, to be able to be with someone I could share all of this wisdom with. But now, I can’t imagine it any other way. I can’t imagine being with someone who chose to remain stagnant in their life, unaware of themselves or their place in this world. I know that I still have so much to learn, not only about myself but also about this world, about awareness, about heightening my own energy and vibration, and living my best life. And I’m so excited about it all! But what kind of relationship would it be if I couldn’t share this excitement and growth with the person I chose to be with?

Which is why that text conversation made me smile, inside and out. The potential for so much good (and constant growth) is there. I don’t know what’s meant to happen but… the possibilities abound. I’m looking forward to whatever could be, no matter what it will end up being.

Finally, I am all caught up! Holy, it took a while. Now I must get ready to meet Leila at the tattoo place!!! I can’t even BEGIN to explain how excited I am!!!

I’ll write today in the evening to add more to this log, about how today went, and how the rest of my week is looking.

My heart is happy. I am content. I am excited for all that this life has to offer. Here’s to the adventure I’m about to embark on with my best friend, and here’s to living my best, fullest, most happiest life!

Until later,

Love, love, love, so much love,

Me.

Day 233 – August 21st, 2017

Hello, I’m back! It’s now Monday, the start of a brand new week. But before I can talk about how this week is looking for me, I must back track and finish up talking about everything that happened this weekend. Where was I?

Ah yes. The night of August 18th/19th.

I can’t even begin to fathom how exactly I could efficiently capture everything I learnt that night. But after that conversation, I now know that I don’t really need to. I’ll address why as I write. Here we go…

So I finished work at 9:45, and immediately headed out to the subway. I had a book just in case (Awakening the Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das), a sweater in case it got cold, eye drops for my contacts, etc. Safe to say, I was ready. I ran into Cory and Avery for a brief moment before I headed out to downtown, which was nice! I told them about my plans, and I could see from the looks on their faces that they definitely thought I was nuts, LOL. In all honesty, I just might be – but in some pretty amazing ways, if I do say so myself.

I love seeing the look on people’s faces when I tell them the things I do by myself, like taking myself out to dinner or watching movies on my own. The reactions vary, but most of the time I get this very specific look: a look that’s caught somewhere in between pity, and awe. It’s quite amusing actually! It’s like people don’t really know whether they should feel sorry for me, or if they should be impressed. It’s not that I care what they think – it’s just interesting to see the way that people themselves perceive being on your own, and enjoying your own company. Society makes being “lonely” such a taboo, unwanted idea – but really, spending time on your own and genuinely enjoying it is probably one of the healthiest and greatest things you can do for yourself!

Anyways, back to that night – after hanging out with Cory and Avery for a brief couple moments, eventually they bid me adieu and told me to stay safe, and I went on my merry way.

I knew that I wanted to start with dinner first, and I found this place called 7 West – a tiny little cozy gem, tucked away in the streets of downtown, with some deliciously authentic Italian cuisine. Dimly lit with soft flickering candles and furnished with delicately rustic wooden tables and décor, it was quite literally the perfect place for me. I found myself a quiet corner at a little table for two, and just basked in the atmosphere of the place.

It was so, so, so much fun! The server was super friendly, and she made some great recommendations of the menu. Eventually, I decided on a fantastically flavourful ricotta cheese and spinach stuffed ravioli bathed in a delectable rosé sauce. I can’t even begin to express the amount of happiness that flowed through me at every bite. I didn’t even need my book at that time – I was happy to be present in that moment, to really absorb the full impact of the place, the food, and the ambience.

People would come in and go, but this time, the looks I got were purely those of admiration. And I would beam back just as happily. Already, this night was off to an amazing start.

After my amazing meal, I got a latte because it was already past midnight at that point, and the sleepiness was slowly starting to creep up on me. As I drank my latte, I looked up the directions to my next destination – yet another 24/7 place, a diner called “Fran’s”.

It was about 15-20 minutes away by walking, which was perfect! I loved walking through downtown. Despite the questionable strangers who cat-called, it was a lot of fun to walk through the city at that time. It’s exhilarating to practise living life without fear.

Once I got there, I was sat in a cute little nook close to the kitchen, facing the restaurant in a way that was perfect for people watching (which I love to do). I ordered a milk shake, and hesitantly pulled out my book – I didn’t want to take up the server’s table and prevent him from getting tips throughout his overnight shift. When he passed by again, I asked him if it was okay if I stayed awhile and read, and he graciously told me to stay as long as I liked.

So, I contentedly settled into my little booth, ordered a coffee (which came with endless refills) and began to read this book.

I’m quite literally sitting here, at a loss of how to describe the following events that took place, the lessons I learnt. I know the words I could use to describe this experience, but how exactly can I convey the… magic, of it all? The way I felt? The most amazingly transparent sense of clarity that I’ve ever experienced?

I’ll just do my best and hope it comes across the way I intend it to come across.

Have you ever read a book that takes you away, transcends you to a different place or time? Because this book… every page proposed a different lesson to learn. There were moments where I actually had to stop to process what I was reading. It was so poignant, well-written, and absolutely astounding with the wisdom it had to offer.

As I lost myself in this work, a man came out of the kitchen and stopped dead when he saw what I was reading. He excitedly told me he’s read that same book before, that it was incredible and eye-opening and that there was this other book that was very similar and equally as thought-provoking. But, he couldn’t remember the title! So he said he’d be back, and he grabbed his phone to see if he could find it.

This kept happening for a little while – I would read, and then he’d come back, and we’d talk about the possible names of the author of the book he was trying to remember, and then we’d talk a little about the things he’d learnt from the books he’s read. It was quite amusing actually; his energy was infectiously positive, he seemed very wise and I honestly couldn’t quite tell how old he was. Because, while he seemed older, he had the vitality of someone young.

I don’t quite recall how the deeper conversations began, but eventually every time he stopped by my little booth, the conversations began to get longer and more insightful with every visit. And that’s when the real magic happened.

This gentleman, who was originally from India and named Sanjeev, had to be on the wisest people I’ve ever met in my life.

I can’t remember the exact flow of the conversation per se, but I will touch upon some of the stories he told me and the wisdoms that stuck with me.

We talked about energies, and “ambience” – he felt that being in a country with less people, made it easier to be more self-aware and conscious of your own energy. He said that in India, you’re constantly bombarded by different people and their energies on a constant basis, and that it was difficult. He felt freer and clearer here, in Canada. He stressed upon the importance of taking in wisdom (like the book that I was reading) in a place with the right “ambience” – the knowledge imparted would sink in more efficiently.

He told me some amazing stories, parables even – like about how Bill Gates, after contributing amazing technology to the world and accumulating an over-abundance of wealth, now donates his money because he has no attachments to it. Also, despite having invented Microsoft, never once emailed. Rather, he chose to hand-write his letters. He seemed to know the deadly influence that this technology would hold over people, the epidemic-level of attachment and dependence that people would develop towards it.

He talked about how “god” is within every person; that people seek guidance everywhere but within themselves and always end up unhappy as a result. That people pray to all kinds of gods, to gurus, to those who claim to know it all, to psychics, to anyone who will listen – but no one ever looks inwards, and that’s where the real growth, awareness and happiness stems from.

Which led to a parable about a man, his guru, and an incident with a rogue elephant. Essentially, there was a young priest who was learning from a guru, and the guru told him that god is within every living being, from human to animal. One day in the village, there was a rogue elephant in a cave. The young priest wanted to approach it, but another man told him to stay away, to avoid the area, for he would be injured if he did not choose to listen. The young priest confidently assured the man that his guru told him that god is in every being, and so he went into the cave. The elephant consequently grabbed this young priest and threw him, much to his dismay.

Eventually, the young priest went back to his guru and angrily told him what happened. “You told me that god was in every being!” he said indignantly. “Why did that happen to me if god is in everyone, including animals?!” The guru looked at him sagely and said, “yes, god is in every living being. Including in the man who warned you to stay away. Why did you choose to seek the god in the animal, as opposed to listening to the one in the man?”

What I gathered from this, is that we cannot be selective in our perception of whom or what has god within them, but we must be aware of what this inner wisdom is trying to tell us, and what we choose to listen to.

He told me about how he was married once, and it was an arranged marriage. And he married his woman in order to satisfy his parents’ wishes, rather than thinking of his own. Ultimately, the marriage did not end up working out, because they weren’t on the same level or vibration. And so I asked him, “how will you know when you can connect with someone? How can you tell someone is on the same level as you, and is right for you?” And he looked at me, and simply gestured towards himself, towards his heart, and told me “your inside will know”.

That was definitely one of my favourite parts of the many conversations we had throughout the night. But there was still more:

He told me how one cannot live, think, or feel in certain extremes because that was also contributory to unhappiness. For example: one cannot solely rely on logic, or purely on intuition even. While the intuition part confused me a bit (because I’ve always believed that intuition could never lead you wrong), I understood what he was trying to convey. He talked about how once these two ideas were on an equal level in the way you approached all situations and parallel to one another, that that’s how happiness and inner peace could be attained. How you brought yourself up another level in terms of your energy. Because, one shouldn’t simply make decisions or harbour thoughts on a purely logical level – anything can “make sense” and appeal to you on a rational level, but does that mean it is right for you? By going hand in hand with your intuition, you will be able to know that for sure.

In contrast, your intuition may lead you to beautiful places, tell you things about the way you should live your life or how you should choose or think about certain things. But without logic? You could end up putting yourself in danger, or putting yourself in a situation you weren’t quite meant to be in, at that moment.

Which leads me to yet another set of ideas he told me one must apply to life and hold on a parallel level in order to live happily – attachment vs. detachment.

I know people who practice detachment out of spite, out of fear of pain, and in order to protect themselves from letting people in or making connections themselves. This is an extreme and rather unhealthy way to practice detachment in your life. And then I look at someone like me – someone who gets easily attached, and holds onto these attachments for dear life. I am attached to the past, my past memories, and I lose myself there often. I get attached to my pre-conceived notions of the future. I get attached to fleeting moments I encounter in my present.

Buddha taught that a lot of unhappiness or anxiety stems from the unnecessary attachment we have towards things that we should simply choose to let go* of.

This part of the conversation made me realize that I would like to learn how to practice detachment in my own life. I don’t want to live in the past, not even the good parts of it, because those times have past. By living in the past, I neglect to appreciate the beauty of my present moments. That’s kind of why even writing these logs is a form of attachment – I have the entire past year of my life written down, documented. I know it speaks of my growth, but it also has some carefully preserved memories that I sometimes choose to lose myself in, when I re-read these words.

I want to be able to let go of my anxieties, my insecurities, my worries and fears. I want to actively watch my thoughts, bar out the negativity, and not allow myself to get attached to any single thought in particular. They should pass through my mind like a quiet breeze, here one moment and gone the next.

Everything is impermanent. By understanding the weight of this statement, the implications of it, I can learn to improve the quality of my life by not attributing attachments to the things that I should be simply letting go of.

Throughout the night, the man would come and go with some new story or wisdom to offer. We both agreed that nothing is coincidence – had I been reading any other book, a novel of any kind, he would not have stopped to speak with me. I would not have learnt everything he had taught me. Had I chosen to go anywhere else, I would not have met him. “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” I want self-awareness. I want to bring my energy, my vibration, my consciousness, to as high as it can possibly go, in order to live the best possible life I can lead.

There were some other pretty cool moments too – like a girl sat near my booth and needed an iPhone charger (which I happened to have), and her name happened to be the same as my sister’s. Which is again, no coincidence: my sister has come home from camp, and I can feel in my soul that she is in need of recharging. She needs guidance. And with everything I’ve learnt these past couple months, I’m going to help to “recharge” her soul, revitalize her energy and her faith in herself. I know this intrinsically.

There was this other moment where three girls walked into the section I was in, and one girl stopped dead when she saw me. And she was like, “YES. YES TO ALL OF THIS”, while gesturing to me, my book, and my coffee. It made me laugh, to see how enthusiastic she was about what I was doing.

At the end of the night and closer to the early morning, Sanjeev sat with me for a while and we talked some more. I told him I was planning on going to Harbourfront to watch the sunrise, and to read and meditate for a while. He told me to come back one day, to tell him if I felt the difference between reading in a busy diner, and reading in pure silence close to a lake at the first light of dawn. I promised him I would. I definitely would love to go back one day, to learn more from him. He told me he usually works during the night.

He told me if I continued down this path, and continued to look within myself for guidance, and continued to read books like the one I was reading that night, that I would discover some incredible wisdom that I would be able to apply to the rest of my entire life. That I would always find happiness, as a result.

After I thanked him sincerely and bid him adieu, I headed out of the diner. It was already getting light outside, and I worried that I might miss the sun rise. And then, I smiled and told myself that it was no matter – whatever happened, was meant to happen. And with that, I made my way to harbourfront.

I didn’t miss the sun rise – in fact, I arrived right on time to witness one of the most beautiful sunrises I’ve ever had the pleasure of viewing in my life. I walked towards a secluded part of the dock, enclosed by trees and directly over the water, and sat down to witness the first rays of the sun rising over a dark blanket of clouds on the horizon.

The breeze coming over the lake was incredible. That moment… I cannot begin to describe the utter perfection of that moment. But I was there. It happened. And that was that.

I’ve got to start getting ready for work now, so I will come back and add more to this log. Like, the decision that came to me as I was walking back to the subway, the dawning of an idea that I knew I wanted to have with me for life… I’ll be back!

Day 229, 230, 231, 232 – August 17th – 20th, 2017

Hello! Okay, so I know it’s been a while since I’ve written last, but MANNN, has so much happened in these past couple of days. So right now, it’s Sunday, which means I haven’t written since Wednesday, which means I have to start from Thursday, and work my way up to today. Oh boy, this is definitely going to be a long log, I believe.

Alright, let’s begin!

So, I woke up Thursday early morning, feeling really excited and ready for the day. I had an early shift that morning, so I got ready and made my way over to work, looking forward to whatever could transpire. Little did I know, the day would definitely turn out to be interesting, that’s for sure…

Luna was working with me that morning, and she was already so excited for me, knowing that my date was later that day. I got busy unpacking boxes because there was apparently a huge visit from corporate coming in that day so I wanted everything to be perfectly in place by the time the visit came.

And then I happened to check my phone. Well, long story short – it was Dylan, and he said he really hated to do this, but that he got home really late from the Guns N’ Roses concert from the night before, and that he felt like garbage. And he asked if I would be willing to reschedule for after he came back from the states.

Honestly, in that moment, of course my heart sank. I had been so looking forward to that night, not to mention implementing the whole possible “come over so I can get to know you better in the comfort of my home” plan. But oh the irony – the night before, I posted on snapchat the EXACT excerpt from my previous day’s log, that applied to this situation. This is what the excerpt was:

“We’re so scared of pain that we fear hope.

No more.

Disappointment, pain, fear, unhappiness – these are all perceptions of the mind. You choose and manifest what your reality becomes.

Have hope. Let your expectations soar. Visualize the best possible outcome for yourself. Imagine the feeling of having everything work out exactly as you wish it to be. Give power to those positive feelings, and give them a chance to manifest. And should the opposite of what you hope for occurs?

Change your perception of that situation and you WILL change your reality. “Disappointment” can easily become “this was the way that things were truly meant to happen, and I accept this outcome”. “Sadness” can become “even though this feels like it hurts right now, I know deep down that ultimately there must be a reason that things happened this way.” “Disillusionment” can become “faith in the universe’s plan.” “Defeat” can become “determination”. It’s all a matter of how you CHOOSE to see things, and what we fail to understand and recognize, time and time again, is that WE HAVE EVERY POWER TO CHOOSE THE WAY WE REACT TO THE THINGS THAT OCCUR IN OUR LIFE.

And so, instead of letting myself be bummed out for what could have been the rest of the day, I smiled. I laughed at myself, at the situation. I forced myself to say those things out loud: “this was the way that things were truly meant to happen, and I accept this outcome. Even though this feels like it hurts right now, I know deep down that ultimately there must be a reason that things happened this way. I have faith in the universe’s plan.”

But maintaining this mind frame throughout the duration of the day? Oh boy. Easier said than done. My old insecurities began to creep in, began to pipe up in my head: “why didn’t he ask to reschedule for this week? Why wait until after Vegas? Maybe he’s not that into you and he’s not planning on rescheduling.” And so on.

But you know what was so great? I could actively feel myself battling my insecurities. I could feel my new self fighting against the old. Not only that, the entire situation brought to light that there are still old insecurities that I do need to work on, and now I can! Which is amazing. Ultimately, I am glad that that’s how things turned out. Every situation I happen to encounter now, becomes a test of how much I’ve learnt and how much I still have to learn.

Another thing I learnt as a result of that situation – as soon as I read that text, I began to make plans with Leila and Avery. But in the midst of that, I suddenly thought to myself – what was so bad about being alone for the night? After all, I’ve been practicing spending time with just myself and becoming comfortable with my own company for quite some time this year. As much as I would have loved to hang out with them, I was passing up a perfect opportunity to just be on my own. So, I cancelled the plans and headed home after work.

And honestly? I enjoyed it so much. The quiet house, the gossip girl episodes, eating cheese cake from straight off the platter and food directly out of the containers. Despite the earlier events, the day turned out to be perfect. And, everything happened exactly as it was meant to.

The next day, I knew I wanted to challenge myself further – with no one home to impose a curfew on me, why not go out all night and adventure throughout downtown, alone?

I began to look up places that stayed open throughout the entire night, made note of a few that caught my eye, and created a general plan for the night. I knew that no matter where I went, I wanted to end up at harbourfront by the early morning so that I could watch the sun rise over the lake, and meditate.

This night, the night of August 18th/19th, was one the best nights of this summer, year, and possibly of my life.

This night deserves a deeply detailed log, and it’s currently very late and I’m growing tired. So, I’m going to end this here, and continue on tomorrow when I get a chance.

But before I go.

I have this… feeling, this buzzing sense of excitement, that I am on the exact path I was meant to be on all along. I am learning so much, not only about myself but about this life, and I can’t wait to see what else lies in store for me.

Until tomorrow then!

Love,

Me.

Day 227 + 228 – August 15th & 16th

Hello!!! So I’m home after a lovely evening with some incredible people. Yesterday was such a nice reunion – we all ate, laughed, talked and drank together, just enjoying one another’s company.

There’s some things I would like to address in this log today. I’ve done some self-reflection, as a result of my recent feelings of sudden anxiety, the meditation I did today, and the excerpt of “The Monk Who Sold His Ferarri” I read shortly after.

Alright so, to put it simply: I’ve been feeling really, really anxious lately and when I think about it now, it stems from a lot of the interactions I have. For example: I get really nervous about the way the people I care about perceive me. When I care about someone, I care very deeply about what they think of me because for some reason, in my mind, their opinion of me is a direct reflection of how I see myself.

To get even more direct: I have a lot of anxiety about my interactions with Sera. I respect her deeply and care very, very much about her, and for some reason after our conversations, I feel anxious. Not because it’s anything she’s said or done – but because I so badly want her to like me as much as I like her, that it makes me nervous when we converse.

Another example: I have this incessant urge to be as “nonchalant” and “casual” as humanly possible towards Dylan, as to not spook him off what with my initial grand gesture, that that’s become another source of anxiety. I keep catching myself second-guessing the way I text, or wondering if every action I consider taking is too “forward”.

And lastly, one last example: the way I’ve been dividing my time. Like this week, I had to consider that I have shifts at my regular job, my second job, that Avery and Leila wanted to hang out, that my mom wanted me to run some errands with her before my parents leave to the cottage, that the girls from work were hosting a sleepover, and that I had to plan my date with Dylan. My anxiety in this regard stemmed from my idea of prioritization: was I blowing anyone off by prioritizing one over the other? Was I being too consumed by the idea of my date, that I was putting other plans on hold? Was I going to have any time to myself at all this week?

So, I’ve considered all the roots of each of my anxieties and where they stemmed from. By the time I came home today, I couldn’t even settle into watching an episode of Gossip Girl without feeling my heart race for what I assumed to be no reason whatsoever. But it was my anxiety. I felt muddled, anxious and worried. So, I closed my laptop, grabbed “The Monk”, and headed outside with every intent to meditate and center myself.

I’m so glad I did.

I’m going to address each root of my anxiety, one by one. My intuition spoke to me clearly as I meditated and breathed deeply, and then reading “The Monk” reaffirmed that which I already knew within me, but needed to realize once more.

Alright so: my anxieties regarding how people perceive me, how I want Sera to like me, how I don’t want to “scare” Dylan off, and how I divide my time all trace back to one undeniable truth that I must, at all times, remember: I am who I am.

To elaborate on this truth: I am a good person. I have nothing but good intentions to all those I meet, know, and care about in my life. I care very deeply about the people in my life. I strive to ascertain not only my own happiness, but the happiness of the people who are in my life. I do my utmost best to practice positivity in every aspect that my life entails.

I am not perfect. I am learning, each and every day of my life, in what ways I would like to improve my life and the quality in which I live it. I want to be a better person. I want to be fearless. I want to be happy, truly happy in the ways that I know one can be in this life.

That being said – I must remember without a single doubt, that I must and in every way always be myself. I will not, cannot, nor do I ever want to change who I am as a person in the fears that I am not “likeable” or that I’m not abiding by some unwritten and ridiculous rule book that society has created when it comes to human interaction.

I can’t make anyone like me. I can’t make anyone stay, if they want to go. I can’t stop the way people react to the ways I speak, act, think or express myself. But what is within my power? The ability to stay true to myself, utterly, in all ways and in every way. If I practice this integrity in my every interaction, then I can move forward having faith in the fact that I did just that, regardless of the outcome. I can’t control the way people will perceive me. Nor would I ever want to. Because the people who are meant to be in my life, will be. The people who choose to see the truest nature of my self, will.

I need to have more faith in myself, what I bring to my interactions with people, who I am as a person, and the way I perceive myself. The way people see me is NOT a direct reflection of myself – people will choose to see what they want to see. The only thing that will ever really matter is how I see myself. Because I’M the only one who will have to live with myself for the entire duration of life that I get to live.

So. Applying this truth to each of my anxieties.

Sera is a smart woman who is kind, empathetic, wise, and an all-around amazing human being. I hold a high regard of respect towards her because she is the person I attribute the start of my self-awareness journey to; she’s the person who recommended “Outwitting the Devil” to me, the book that ignited a very deep-seated need for change in my life. The book that started me on my expedition into conscientiousness. That opened my eyes to the universe, to manifesting my intentions, to being my best self, and striving for a continuously higher level of vibration.

I might have mentioned this briefly to her, but I don’t think she knows the real depth of how much change she inspired in my life.

So, would I like to have a person like this in my life? Of course! But, does that mean I should be nervous around her, anxious that I’m going to say something that I myself (and only I) perceives as “wrong”, when it comes to someone like her? Absolutely not!

I just have to be myself, through and through, and have faith in the person that I am. I’ve managed to nurture and maintain some amazing relationships in my life, and a lot of those relationships work because I am my truest self – loving, affectionate, cheesy as hell, super weird and wacky, but also supportive, encouraging and positive, always.

Will I make mistakes in these relationships I foster? Absolutely yes. I’m only human. Will those mistakes result in the end of those relationships? Chances are, if they’re real and healthy, then no. Because everyone makes mistakes. The main point is to be able to learn from them, and move forward accordingly. And I aspire to have each and every one of the relationships I invest myself in to be their healthiest and as uplifting as possible.

In regards to Dylan – this is another place that my truth really applies. I know who I am. After having worked on myself throughout the duration of this entire year, after having brought myself to this place of self-awareness, conscientiousness and confidence, I can safely say that I am not only comfortable with who I am as a person, but I openly love and respect myself.

I fall hard. I know I do. It’s a part of who I am.

All I can do in this situation is be myself in totality, fearlessly, and with no holds barred. And either he sees the value in that and feels the same way, or he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am as a person, whatsoever. All it means is that it’s just not meant to be. It could mean that he himself has things to work on before he decides to invest in something with someone else. But again – nothing to do with who I am, or what I bring to the table.

I did something fearless this summer. I told this person, who has come to mean a lot to me, how I felt. It took a lot of courage, and every ounce of facing my fears of rejection that I had. But I did it, and I still couldn’t be prouder of myself. So, how can I allow myself to falter out of fear now? I started this off as bravely as I humanly could, and so I owe it to myself to continue to see this through as fearlessly as I can, regardless of what the outcome might be.

No matter what happens – if my so-called worst fears of him getting scared off happen, due to the nature of my feelings towards him, then it just means that he’s not ready and that’s totally, totally okay. In fact, if he’s self-aware enough to know that this isn’t something that he wants for himself right now, then kudos to him! Not many people know themselves well enough to really know what they want! Which leads to a lot of confusion and unhappiness.

Another thing I’ve noticed – in regards to this, I consistently have expected the worst. When I told him how I felt, I was expecting him to tell me that he solely saw me as a friend. When I intend to ask him to hang out after the movie tomorrow, despite me visualizing it actually happening, there’s a part of myself that’s expecting him to say no.

Why?

Are we so afraid to be disappointed, that we manifest the “worst possible outcomes” in our head as a preparatory measure? How unfortunate and sad is it, that we’re so afraid to be unhappy that we unintentionally give power to this feeling by giving it life through visualizing the worst thing that could happen!?

We’re so scared of pain that we fear hope.

No more.

Disappointment, pain, fear, unhappiness – these are all perceptions of the mind. You choose and manifest what your reality becomes.

Have hope. Let your expectations soar. Visualize the best possible outcome for yourself. Imagine the feeling of having everything work out exactly as you wish it to be. Give power to those positive feelings, and give them a chance to manifest. And should the opposite of what you hope for occurs?

Change your perception of that situation and you WILL change your reality. “Disappointment” can easily become “this was the way that things were truly meant to happen, and I accept this outcome”. “Sadness” can become “even though this feels like it hurts right now, I know deep down that ultimately there must be a reason that things happened this way.” “Disillusionment” can become “faith in the universe’s plan.” “Defeat” can become “determination”. It’s all a matter of how you CHOOSE to see things, and what we fail to understand and recognize, time and time again, is that WE HAVE EVERY POWER TO CHOOSE THE WAY WE REACT TO THE THINGS THAT OCCUR IN OUR LIFE.

Wow. I digressed, but it was a good digression for sure.

Anyways, bringing it back to what I was talking about before – tomorrow, I’m going to be myself when we go to see this movie. I’ll crack lame jokes as I usually do, be thoroughly invested in how his concert was and how his Las Vegas trip plans are going. And after the movie, I will be honest and open and ask him if he’d like to have dinner with me at my place. If he says yes, well then that’s great. And if he says no? Then that’s exactly what was meant to happen, simple as that.

And continuing onwards, I will not expect the worst. From now on, I’m going to hope for the best. I’m going to imagine it all happening, give life to those intentions by allowing myself to visualize all the good that could come from this. Because, ultimately I know what I want. But if I give power to my fears by allowing myself to imagine the worst? It will dilute the purity of the courage and honesty that I mustered when it came to telling him how I felt.

So, yeah. I want a relationship, eventually. But not the kind of relationship that society promotes and bombards us with on a daily basis. I want a relationship of pure freedom, space to grow, with no attachments to the unnecessary (such as social media or even texting on a constant basis). I want a relationship where we encourage each other to be our best selves possible, where we teach each other new things and new ways to see the situations we encounter. A relationship where we are friends, real friends who support each other and where we’re vulnerable with one another because we can be. Because the mutual trust and respect is there.

If what I want is meant to be, it will be. If it’s not, then it won’t. I accept all possibilities, but I will not prepare myself for the worst any longer. I will hope for the best. I will imagine the possible happinesses, the memories that could be made and the lessons that could be learnt.

There will be zero room for negativity in my life, moving forwards. If I can eradicate all sources of negative energy in every aspect of my life – my thoughts, feelings, the way I speak and act, the way I perceive my circumstances and the things that occur in my life – then I know that it can be possible for me to live the most amazing life possible.

I feel so great! All that anxiety I was feeling before seems to have left completely. But one last concern to address: the way I prioritize my time.

I think the deeper root of that anxiety was my fear of disappointing people. But once again, here is the truth regarding that manner: I am only one person. If I allow myself to be pulled in sixty different ways in order to make everyone else happy (solely to my own perceptions even), then there won’t be anything left of me, or for me. I can’t expend all my energies in that many directions without taking a toll on myself.

So sometimes, that’s going to take a little bit of selective prioritizing. Does that make me a bad person? Nope. Does that mean I hold any less regard for any of the relationships in my life, by this prioritizing? Nope. “The people who matter won’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.” I’ve heard this quote somewhere, and it’s so true in relevance to this situation – the people in my life who know their value and worth to me, will not be offended if I cannot find the time for them for just one week. It’d be more understandable if I consistently prioritized one over the other in a repetitive manner because that would mean I was taking someone for granted – but that’s not me.

And also in regards to prioritizing my time – while working two jobs that I enjoy has been great so far, it’s totally okay to take a break from one or both sometimes to mentally and physically recuperate. While I know I should be working as much as possible since my finances are struggling slightly, money will come and it will go. If I attach more value to money than I actually should, I’m going to suffer because it will always seem like I don’t have enough of it. So, I choose to work as hard as I can, when I can, but not more than I should.

This was an incredible log, and I’m very, very happy for myself today. I kept thinking, I can’t wait to talk to my counselor when I get back to school because I hate these feelings of anxiety. But I helped myself today. I meditated, and I brought to light and reaffirmed the vast expanse of knowledge and wisdom I hold within me by reading “The Monk”, as well as engaged in some real introspection regarding the root of my anxieties. In being honest with myself, I was able to center myself.

I cannot begin to express how incredibly happy I am that I have documented the numerous and indescribable ways that I have changed for the better this year. This log is everything to me. And come September, I can’t wait to see how all of these positive changes will be implemented and put to the test. I’m truly looking forward to this new start.

Anyways, that’s about all for today! I’m actually really excited now, about my date with Dylan tomorrow. I promise to be fearless, to be myself, and to maintain my faith in the universe no matter what may happen. I will always hope for the best.

I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance! I have this incredibly amazing good feeling about tomorrow. It’s going to be good. I can feel it in my soul.

Until then!

Love, always and in every way,

Me.

Day 225 + 226 – August 13th & 14th

Hello there! So it’s currently Monday night and I just got home from a night shift and it was so freaking awesome – everyone I love working with best was in! Luna, Daniella, even Lianna and Diego were back from vacation so it was a nice little reunion. I’m honestly so glad that we all have so much love for one another and have become a little family. I’ve learnt so much from each and every one of them, truly.

Anyways, I’ve got to back track to yesterday before I can talk about today! Yesterday was Sunday, and I had the day off, and I spent it with Anne, which was really nice. We honestly vibe so well together, like we’ve gotten so close over the course of this summer since we’ve both happened to become so self-aware and conscientious. She’s really helped to promote my own personal growth, with her tips on meditation and her overall positive attitude and supportive nature. I’m so glad that we’ve gotten so close because our conversations are so insightful and motivating!

It was a much needed day off and I’m glad that I had it. Which leads me to today! I had a super productive morning – I worked out, then I cooked some lunch for myself, then I did all of my laundry, and then I headed off to work. And like I said earlier, it was a really good shift because my favourite people were in.

Luna and I are so, so excited for our Cayman Islands trip. I can’t believe we’re travelling together yet again! And to one of the best beaches in the entire world. Holy crap man, what an adventure this year has been so far.

Tomorrow, all the work girls are getting together at Diane’s house to celebrate Marilyn’s birthday and I can’t wait to see everyone again! It’s going to be me, Luna, Daniella, Lianna, Marilyn, Sera, Diane, Maria, and Bridget, which means there’s plenty of fun and laughter to be had, for sure. And we’re all sleeping over too! I love these ladies with all my heart, I honestly do.

I especially can’t wait to see Sera! I’ve really missed her, but I’m so glad that she’s been keeping so well and enjoying her summer away from work. I’m so curious as to whether or not she’ll bring up my confessing my feelings to Dylan, but I’m not going to say anything about it and let her bring it up first, if anything. I doubt she will though! She’s a great mom and I know she doesn’t really want to get involved per se, but rather let things happen as they do.

Speaking of Dylan – so I texted today, and we finalized our movie plans for this week! We’re going to be seeing The Dark Tower, Thursday evening. I’m excited! I don’t think I’ll be as nervous for this, as I was for our first date. Movies are fun and chill.

However. I have this plan. That like, I keep day-dreaming about, and visualizing in my head.

Basically – my parents are going to be leaving to the cottage this Thursday, early afternoon. So I was thinking… of inviting Dylan over after the movie.

And like, I’d go about it super casually; after the movie, I’d ask if he has any plans for the rest of the night. And if he said he didn’t, I’d ask him if he wanted to come over and chill for a bit, since I was planning on cooking for myself and having a glass of wine on my own anyways.

I know that this is kind of a risky plan. Chances are, he may think I’m being too forward or that it’s too soon, and politely decline.

But honestly?

The real reason I want him to come over is so that we can actually talk. Like, privately, away from the world and people. I want to create a situation in which he’d hopefully feel more comfortable about telling me more about him, somewhere quiet, like my home. I just want to be able to take advantage of an opportunity like this one.

I’m not saying I’m planning on jumping his bones the minute he walks through my door (as much as I would really, really like to). But, I’m definitely interested in a different kind of vulnerability than just pure physical intimacy. We said we wanted to get to know one another better, and I really think that this could be a perfect moment to do so… if he’s down for it.

So, we’ll see. A lot of this plan relies on my not backing down from it, and being chicken. But, I’m pretty determined. The worst thing he can do is say no, and really, that’s not so bad. All that means is that it wasn’t meant to happen, and that’s totally okay. I’m perfectly happy just being able to watch a movie with him, even.

I want this so badly though, I really do. We’ll see what’s meant to occur.

Anyways, that’s about all for today! Oh universe, I hope you’re with me on this one.

I definitely won’t get the chance to write tomorrow, so I’ll write when I get home on Wednesday. Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 223 + 224 – August 11th & 12th

Hello! Wow, what a doozy of a log this should be. I don’t really have time to give it full justice right now though because I have to shower and get ready for work, but I didn’t want to go to work without at least starting this. Here’s what I’m going to do:

I’m going to type as much of this as I can before I go, and break yesterday into two parts – my shift at work, and then my evening at the bridal shower. For now, I’ll cover my work shift, and when I get back from work tonight, I’ll talk about how the bridal shower went in detail because I owe last night that level of time, to write down. Yesterday was unexpected, cathartic and just crazy, but in some very amazing and positive ways.

Okay, crap, I can’t even do the first part because I’ve run out of time and I’ve got to shower. I’ll definitely without a doubt write when I get home from my shift tonight! Be right back!

I’m home now! It’s been a pretty great day, but I can’t talk about it until I cover all of yesterday in entirety. So, let’s back track and work our way up to this present moment.

Let’s see…

So yesterday, I had an early shift and it was actually a lot of fun, despite all the people I like most being on vacation or being off. It was mostly good because I got to spend a lot of time talking to Dylan, LOL.

He’s going to Las Vegas at the end of this month!!! I’m so, so excited for him – he’s going to be staying at one of the nicest hotels on the strip, the Venetian. They have an actual canal and gondolas at this hotel! Apparently it feels like you’re actually in Venice because of how amazingly well done the décor is. And, he’s going at the time that the McGregor vs. Mayweather boxing fight is going to be at, so the vibe in Vegas is going to be amazing while he’s there. Not to mention, he’ll be able to see the Grand Canyon and the Hoover Dam. I’m so happy for him! There really isn’t anything like travelling, in this life.

We talked about his upcoming tournament this Sunday, and about how he has his last exam for summer school this Monday, and whatever else that came up. There weren’t a lot of people in yesterday, so we actually got to talk quite a bit without getting interrupted at times, which was a nice change.

That’s about the extent of yesterday’s shift! Today’s was even better but before I get to that, I’ve got to address the happenings of last night’s bridal shower.

I don’t even know where to start!

Well, the bridal shower itself was absolutely stunning. The theme was Mid-Summer Night’s Dream and it was done to perfection, right down to the tiny details, the floral arrangements, the centerpieces, the delicately twinkling lights. It was breath-taking.

It was also open bar, LOL. So of course, I couldn’t resist grabbing a drink or two at first. I got there first, and then John joined me shortly after, so I was really glad that I had some company since everyone else I knew at that thing were from my old Sinhala class and they had their own little clique thing going on.

But later, Bianca and Bethany ended up showing up. And at first, I was honestly a little worried about how things would be. But right off the bat, we were able to sink into our old banter as though no time had passed. It felt… natural. I even caught my heart giving off pangs of nostalgia, and I remember thinking to myself, “it’s very possible that I miss these two human beings, despite everything I’ve told myself for the past couple months”.

We all started drinking together and taking advantage of the open bar, just because. And after a couple of drinks and a couple of hours, the truths began to pour out quicker than the alcohol had been poured for us.

It started slowly at first, simple “I miss you’s” being drunkenly blurted out and utterly meant. But after a while, we all sat down together and everything came out.

I apologized for the text message I sent, especially since it came almost four months too late and was full of my old angers and resentments over the way things happened. In all honesty, after I had sent that message, all of the anger and resentment dissipated. All I wanted was for them to know how I felt, and I had done just that. But did that mean I no longer wanted them in my life? At that time, that’s what I thought it had organically come down to, despite how sad that made me, so that’s what I said. That’s what I thought my truth was.

But seeing them last night, having things be like old times, hearing about their lives and seeing how far they’ve come made me realize my actual truth – I can’t give up on family, and I can’t imagine my life continuing on without having them in it. You don’t just find people you can vibe with that easily. We built these relationships from the ground up since the time we started walking and talking. We’ve seen each other at our worst, had some major differences, and been in really bad places with one another. But despite all of that, there isn’t a single part of me that doesn’t want to work through that and be able to continue to grow with them.

Last night was cathartic. It was honest and vulnerable and soul-bearing. It’s amazing how easily we can fool ourselves into believing that we are finished with people who once meant so much to us, when those people do something to hurt us. When we feel left behind, or distant. Last night, the universe brought us altogether and reminded us what’s really important. What’s worth fighting for, if you really want to have someone be a part of your life.

Honesty can be so difficult. Being vulnerable, allowing yourself to bear your past scars of hurt to someone who hurt you can seem like the worst thing to do, especially when it’s so much easier to tell yourself to move on with life and that you don’t need them. But the relief of the catharsis of having everything come out? Of letting it all go, putting everything on the table? It’s one of the best, most freeing feelings in the world. It’s not closure – it’s opening the door to freeing yourself of old energies, to let in new energy and growth.

I will not regret the way things happened, nor will I remain apologetic for the way they occurred, because everything happens exactly as it is meant to. I played my part, I said things, felt things but I cannot change or take back the way it all went down, and so I choose to accept and embrace these circumstances instead. I accept the past whole-heartedly knowing that I made the most of my present moment, yesterday. Knowing that the universe gave me a chance, brought us altogether so that I could see my real personal truth, regarding them.

That part of the night was definitely the best part. It was so good to see them so happy, and on that level that I wish for everyone to be on – that level of awareness and conscientiousness that allows for nothing but self-love and self-growth. However, there was another part of the night that I need to address, that was not full of light and love.

John broke down yesterday and confessed that he’s been having suicidal thoughts for the past six or seven years. While I was shocked to hear this coming from him, I was not surprised. I know what he’s been through with his family, the habits he practices in his life currently to avoid dealing with the way he feels. He told me that he’s even gotten to the point where he’s begun to plan it, in his head.

I made him promise me that he and I would go to the PCS services at school. We’ve been talking here and there ever since, and while he seems rather hesitant, the date and time is set and I’m not backing down on this. I’ve set a reminder, and I intend to talk to him every so often until the date of, just to check-in with him.

I told him I can’t imagine life without him and I meant it. I don’t know what I’d do if I woke up one day and found out that he was gone, and that I hadn’t done anything to help. He’s always been like a little brother to me, and even if I haven’t seen him as often as we used to when we were growing up, he’ll always be family to me. I hope that I can help him to get the help that he needs. Life is so beautiful and I want him to be able to see that, in due time.

So, that was the bridal shower party in a nutshell. Or in detail, rather. Crazy night, but lots of growth, and lots of things coming out for everyone.

Which brings me to today!

I made sure to text Bianca and Bethany this morning so that they knew that everything that happened last night wasn’t purely due to the alcohol and that my feelings were still real when I woke up this morning, LOL. I’ve come to realize that I don’t like texting very much. It doesn’t compare to having someone in front of you, hearing their voice and feeling their energy and presence. Nevertheless, it’s all I’ve got so I’ve got to make do with what I have.

I texted John to ask what his schedule was like and to tell him how proud I was of him for being strong enough to say something last night, and to agreeing to come with me to the PCS center when school starts. He said he’s not used to talking about it, but that he was glad that he did, and that he was looking forward to going to get help, so I’m glad.

After all of this, I got ready and went to work for my afternoon shift at my regular job.

Yesterday, while Dylan and I were talking, he’d mentioned that he was going to come in today at whatever time he felt like; he’d either wake up early and get to work early so that he could leave early, or sleep in and come in later. He asked what time I was working, and I told him I was a night shift, but that was that.

So today, I couldn’t help but wonder what shift he chose while I was getting ready for work. Did he choose to come in early and leave early? Or did he choose to work later (with me secretly hoping he did so that we could work together and talk)?

When I got in, after a while it seemed like he wasn’t there so I assumed he’d been in and left, which was a bummer. But after a half hour or so, he ended up coming in after all! Turns out, he’d just been stuck in traffic. The tiny little hopeful part of me that exists now wonders if he came in later because he knew that I was nights too, but eh. Could have just been that he wanted to sleep in. But still, a girl can dream.

Anyways, today was great once again with the amount of talking we got to do, but as per usual, we kept getting interrupted. I honestly don’t know what it is about him, but I legit feel like I could talk to him about anything for however long and never grow tired of the conversation! It actually irks me when we get interrupted, even though we’re supposed to be doing our jobs LOL.

He was explaining to me today, more in depth about what his tournament is going to consist of tomorrow. So basically, it’s three rounds of five minute sparring, and he has to win all three to be able to move forward to the next round. And if he continues to win, he’d be the champion of his weight class, and he’d go on to fight other champions in other weight classes. And he’s not worried at all about tomorrow; he’s excited yet calm and so confident that he’s going to win. It’s ridiculously sexy.

I know I’ve said this before, but I love that when we’re pacing around the department, and walking towards each other, he always smiles at me in this particular way of his, which makes me smile back in the exact same way. Sigh. I’ve honestly got it so bad for this guy.

I just don’t understand how he can be so mature! I want to know why, how it happened, when it began, what led to it. How exactly he became so self-aware and conscientious, because it’s so, so rare to meet someone like that.

I’m really glad that we worked together so much this past weekend because, even though they weren’t dates or anything like that, we talked a lot and we still find ways to get to know each other in that time we spend together, even if we’re supposed to be working.

Like we’d talk about music, or he’d tell me where he’d live if he could choose (up north – fresher air, more space, cheaper, and all around better living conditions). He’d ask about my sister, which means a lot to me, which would lead into conversations about our siblings. I told him about what happened at the bridal shower, and he’d listen seriously and offer insight where he could. We even got into a brief discussion about the nature of gender in today’s society – I love his willingness to learn about pretty much everything, and to teach where he can.

At the end of his shift, he came over to say goodbye and I gave him a massive hug (I honestly didn’t mean to pretty much tackle him, but my lack of heels today had me going up on my tip-toes to be able to hug him). And then he asked if I was going to be in on Tuesday, but I’m off. So then I reminded him about the movie this week, and he said he was still down, so I told him I would text him so that we could figure it out.

I was so much more casual this time around bringing it up – go me! I’ll probably text him some time on Monday, since I know he’ll be hella busy with his tournament tomorrow and then studying for his exam. I just hope he’ll be free on the days that I’m free! But we’ll see – after all, whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

I’ve got so much hope for this. It’s a little scary, because anything could happen, good or bad. But I’m hoping for the best. It can’t be a coincidence that the moment I chose self-love and began to become aware of myself, that someone like him was introduced into my life. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore, now that I’ve seen over and over just how much things really do happen for a reason.

So we’ll see!

This weekend ended up turning out great, just as I felt it would. And now, yet another week is looming around the corner and once again, I have plenty to look forward to. But regardless of all of that – here’s to this moment, right here, right now.

Off to bed I go! I’ll write some time tomorrow when I get a chance. Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.