Day 74 – March 15th, 2018

Hello, hello!!! Yet another amazingly successful day today, all thanks to the universe and I.

So this morning, Leonardo picked me up first we headed off to go pick up the group coming off of the cruise ship. But as it turns out, the group was pretty big so I couldn’t go along with Leo and his group! So he arranged for me to go along with another group that was headed to Lamanai, the biggest Mayan archaeological site in Belize with the tallest temple.

I was totally down for anything, (especially because I know everything happens for a reason) so I happily tagged along and I’m so glad I did!!!

The tour was so cool – we had to take a speedboat upriver to the site for about an hour and it was so much fun speeding along the river at like 120/mph with the wind and the fresh spray of the river water whipping at as as we sped onwards.

Once we got to the site, we had to hike to the different temples. We started off with the Jaguar temple (which had massive carvings of Mayan-style jaguar faces carved into the walls) and then we saw cute monkeys in the trees! As we headed onwards, it was so nice to bask in the ambience of the jungle and the rich history we were surrounded by. I couldn’t help but think – who walked along where I was walking now? Was it a King or Queen maybe? A Mayan princess? The people of the Mayan civilizations from thousands of years ago? Man, I love history.

Once we got to the biggest temple, I was astounded. Never in my entire life did I ever think I’d get to see something like that in real life. It was incredible!!! It was… “unbelizeable”. (The local tour guides love this joke and I can’t get enough of it LOL ah, puns).

Climbing up this temple was definitely one of the coolest things I’ve ever done in my life, and I’ve done some pretty incredible things thus far. And man, the view from the top was breath-taking. I totally understood why the staircases led right up to the tops of the temples – you really did feel like you could touch the sky, and reach heaven. It was… magical.

After that, our tour guide led us to another temple with beautiful regal masks carved right into the stone, and ode to the king or prince who once resided over that area. The Mayans built their pyramids on top of pyramids (as to preserve the political statement of their predecessor) and man how I wished I could go inside and see what it was like.

Anyways, the rich history behind the ruins, and monuments themselves… it truly was such an incredible experience that I am so absolutely thankful for. Yet again I met some amazing people and families who were so impressed that I was travelling on my own and who wished me well for the duration of my trip. I can truly feel all the positive energy that I am garnering as I continue on this journey.

Once I got back home, I realized that I was still super hungry but it was already pretty late and the sun was going to set soon. But I hadn’t ventured out into the city since the first day I got here and I really did want to eat at a local restaurant, so I got my courage up and ready again and left to go eat at Neri’s, which is a little walk away from my hostel.

I was the only one there LOL! But no complaints – I sat and enjoyed my meal of rice and stewed peas and chicken, and I even tried their home made hot sauce with habanero peppers!!!!! I’m so amazed at myself LMAO it was hella spicy but sooo good.

After that, I knew there was an ice cream shop nearby but the sun had already set and the darkness was beginning to set it. So, heart pounding a little, I dashed over to the ice cream shop to satisfy my craving for sweets that I’ve had since I’ve got here. And man, it was so worth it – I got chocolate fudge brownie with a waffle cone and happily walked back home, safely.

I did it! I faced my little fear of being out after sunset. I know I should be more careful, but I mean there’s careful and then there’s being bound by your fears so I just wanted to see what would happen if I faced them a little and it turned out perfectly okay.

Going with my gut!!! And it’s been working out amazingly well so far.

Anyways, tomorrow I’m off to San Pedro!!!!! I’m so excited, I can’t believe that this trip is entailing for me. I can’t believe I booked a hostel through the phone of a woman I had literally just met on a plane!!!! Logic says: “girl you cray” but my inner voice that’s so strong now, the little voice of intuition that I’m relying on, she’s like “you’re doing just fine boo, keep doin you” and she’s the voice I’m going to strengthen and keep listening to.

I should probably head to bed now (although tomorrow is the first day I’ll sort of get to sleep in) but I’m pretty tired so I think I’ll just lie in bed and lounge until sleep overtakes me.

This is making me so excited to live by myself one day. I know I’m going to be so happy on my own, with my own space and my own energy. It’s so beautiful, so calming, and truly so addictive to experience this kind of solitude. I’m so at peace.

Off to bed I go! I can’t wait to explore “La Isla Bonita” tomorrow in real life. Until later!

Love always,


Day 73 – March 14th, 2018

Hello! So I’m currently lying cozily in bed after my first full day here in Belize, which turned out to be extremely fun and successful!!! I’m so, so proud of myself.

Alright so – I started off this day with my cave-tubing tour. Leonardo, my tour guide (from a tour company that I found online) picked me up in a tour bus really early in the morning and off we went! On the bus, I met two lovely sisters from Iowa – Christina and Nova. They were older (in fact, they were grandmothers but both of them looked to be in their early to mid forties, no lie!!!) and they were soooo cool! They were super chill and so impressed by the fact that I’ve been travelling by myself.

Once we got to the site, half the tour bus went zip lining first so I hung back and chilled out. I was kind of hungry too so someone local from the site took me over to this tiny little place where I had the most delicious authentic empanadas and I was so, so happy. I even tried it with their local Belizean hot sauce (which was actually delicious and did not kill me LOL).

After that, it was time to cave-tube so I rented some water shoes, got my helmet and life-jacket, and off we went. The hike through the jungle was nuts – it was at least a 40 minute hike and sometimes through the river itself. The river stemmed from the top of the mountain though so it was cool and refreshing.

The caves ran underneath the mountain itself so this is what exactly cave-tubing entailed: basically, we tied all our tubes together to create a mega tube, and with our guide leading the way we floated along the rivers in the dark caves, with tiny little headlights on our helmets lighting up the way.

It. Was. Amazing.

The Mayan peoples of olde believed that those caves carried 13 levels of hell! But honestly? It was completely the opposite.

I could see the crystal quartz glistening in the ceilings and in the stalactites, the same way I did in the crystal caves in Grand Cayman. Except in this case, I was lying in a tube, floating gently along the cool mountain-water river and taking everything in in the most unique and amazing way possible.

It was incredible. I’m so glad I found my way too it. Once we left the caves, we continued down along the river in the jungle until we got back to the starting point of our journey.

Once we handed back all of our equipment, we had to run because the tour group had to make it back in time to get back on their cruise ship. But we ate in the car and omg hands down it was the best stew chicken, rice and peas and coleslaw I’ve ever had.

My heart was so, so content. I couldn’t believe what I manifested for myself with the help of the universe. And meeting such amazing people along the way too. I’m so grateful.

My tour guide dropped everyone off and then we sort of chilled for a bit near the big Belize sign. He asked me some questions about life in Canada and why I was travelling alone, and then after he dropped me back off at my place.

Speaking of my place – I love it!!!! I’m so in love with my little apartment room. So far so good on the whole hostel experience. I’m glad I’m someone who doesn’t need much – just a bed to sleep in and it’s all good.

I’m getting really sleepy now but I really want finish this before I crash so real quick.

I decided to go check out one of the surrounding islands called Caye Caulker (pronounced “Key” instead of “Kaye”) so I hopped over to the ferry terminal and made my way over spontaneously (while keeping in mind I had to be back before sundown at 6 pm).

After talking to someone’s tour guide about Belize city and the islands, I finally understand better why everyone keeps asking me why I chose the city to stay in; it seems as though the islands have the main bulk of the tourism industry, as well as a safer atmosphere for tourists. But that’s totally okay! I do feel safe here and I’m being smart, so it’s all good.

Caye Caulker was beautiful – there were bars everywhere as well as small little local food shops that I wanted to stop at so badly. But, because I hadn’t realized that it was a 40 minute ferry ride between the city and the island, I didn’t have much time to explore.

So I found the coolest bar I could at the end of the island called “The Lazy Lizard”, grabbed a Belizean beer and sat there for a while to bask in the last rays of the setting sun and take in the beach-vibe ambience.

Someone offered to buy me a beer but I refused LOL got to stay on the safe side!

After that, I headed back to the city, just in time for sundown. I made it!

I love that this has been such a cool learning experience. But more so than that, I’m so incredibly proud of myself and I’m so happy with everything that’s happened so far, by my own hand. I still can’t believe that I’m doing this! And I think it’s safe to say that I’m doing it well.

Okay, I’ve got to sleep because tomorrow I’m going to be doing another tour with Leo where I’ll be exploring and climbing an old Aztec pyramid (SO COOL) as well as seeing monkeys in their natural habitat? That was a spontaneous addition to the tour but hey, I’m cool with it!

I’ll write tomorrow after my next adventures. Until then!

Love always,


Day 70, 71, 72 – March 11, 12, & 13, 2018

Well, here I am. I’m up in the air once more, thousands and thousands of miles above the earth with the clouds pooling beneath me to form a blanket that looks almost of fluffy cotton consistency.

The last two days building up to today mostly consisted of work, packing, getting everything together and preparing for this moment. Which, I still can’t believe has arrived. I can’t believe that I’m here right now!!!! I can’t believe it. This is quite literally the most impulsive thing I’ve ever pulled by far, in my entire 25 years of being on this earth. But I love it!! I couldn’t help but grin at myself broadly as the plane took off, “Pocket Full Of Sunshine” blaring through my earphones as if I was in some cheesy montage of my life. I’m dying! This is nuts.

Anyways, all pageantry aside, there’s some things I wanted to seriously talk to myself about here while I have a moment to.

One – I need to be as conscious and mindful as humanly possible on this trip. Since I am on my own, I am solely responsible and accountable for everything that happens to me and everything that I experience from this point onwards. That includes viewing this trip with the utmost positivity and optimism possible, knowing and believing that this WILL be an amazing trip and that I WILL be safe.

Two – I’ve claimed time and time again that I want to strengthen the bond between myself and my intuition. Well, I have no better opportunity to do so than this trip. A vast majority of my experience this week is going to depend on my intuition, manifesting what I believe is meant for me, and working alongside the universe to create the most beautiful experience possible. But I believe in myself! It’s time to test everything I’ve learnt in this past year, as well as learn further and deeper than I ever thought I could.

Three – while I love sharing my experiences on social media and documenting the memories I make, I must solemnly swear and vow to myself this: I will spend more time in my present moments than I do on my phone. I will spend more time gazing at the wondrous beauty that surrounds me through my own eyes rather than through the screen of my phone. I will take mental snapshots to save to my memory rather than devoting more storage to this device.

And lastly, four – I am uncomfortable, I am partly terrified, I’m worried and time to time, I’ve been imagining the worst. I understand that these feelings are all fear, stemming from my ego-self attempting to define and explain my experiences into something it can understand and categorize. I won’t let it. I will purposely make myself uncomfortable. I will face my fears and combat them with utter excitement and courage. I will do everything I can to leave my comfort zones in this life so that I can experience it as fully as I deserve, as deeply as I was meant to.

There’s no going back now! Only forward. Always forward.

Anyways, that covers the more introspective part of this log!

Funny synchronicity already – I met a DJ in Antigua’s airport and used some of my last change to buy him a muffin because he was hungry. We followed each other on Instagram and I haven’t thought anything of it, until now; turns out, he’s also going to be in Belize this weekend at an event and he says he can get me in! Who knows what’s meant to be or what will happen, but hey Universe, I’m open and up to it all!

I may add more to this log tonight once I’m all settled into my place! But for now, maybe I’ll read some of my old logs and reminisce or choose from one of the three books I brought along.

My heart is so, so full. Already, being here on my own, I can’t believe how happy I am with just me and my own company. I’m so excited for all the ways in which I am going to grow, change and all the things I’m going to learn about myself!

Until later!

Love always,


Day 72 continued…

Hello! Okay so I’m on my second flight and should be landing shortly, and already I have an amazing update!

I ended up sitting next to a woman named Lori, who happens to have Torontonian friends living in San Pedro, the town in the island off the coast of Belize! We started talking and she started advising me on the things I should see and do, and she seems to be a part of the travel industry because she knew which exact days would be the busiest in Belize due to the influx of people coming off of cruise ships!

With her help, I booked an amazing looking hostel right on the beach of Ambergris Caye, in San Pedro, for this weekend!!! Holy crap, I’m so excited. This is it, this is exactly what I imagined for myself. I knew somehow that I wouldn’t be staying in the same place this whole week, and now that link has been made.

She even let me book the place through her phone LMAO! She happened to know the owner of the place I booked too, so she had a lot of good things to say about it, and she showed me pictures and told me the vibe is best on the islands. I didn’t need to hear anymore than that one word to know that I was on the right path already by just having faith and letting it take me where it would.

Alright, that’s all for now! I’m going to be landing within the next half hour, and my adventure continues! I’m so excited!!!! Let the positive manifestations continue, that is all I will be extending my energies towards for the entire duration of this week.

Here we go!



Day 72 continued further…

Lmfao, I love how I’ve gone from writing once every couple days to writing like 3 times in one day! Vacation will do that to you.

So, I have landed and I have settled into my lovely little home. It’s pretty much exactly as I pictured it would be, and better yet – I have a balcony!!! As soon as I checked in, I gave the property owners a fragrance each and by an amazing synchronicity, it was exactly the kind of fragrance that the main property owner uses so he was really happy.

After I settled in, he explained to me where everything was – the ferry terminal, some close by restaurants, the pier closest to the ocean. So once I unpacked and changed into more summery clothing, I decided to venture out and explore the places he’d told me about so that I had a good mental idea as to where everything is, get the lay of the land. (I have pretty great directional memory – but when it comes to everything else my brain is more leaky than a strainer).

The bright side: everything really is a short walk away. I was able to check out everything he mentioned during a lovely brisk walk, and the sun came out too! I already feel sun-kissed. It reminded me so much of Antigua that it felt like I’d already been there. And I’m close to a girls school and all the local students are super friendly and cheerful.

Slight downside (depending on my perception of the situation): it’s like Antigua in the sense that the male locals have no problem cat-calling, asking me if I’m lost, beckoning me to come over, and trying to get my attention by any means possible. I mean, it’s fine – I’m firm when I have to be, ignore it when it seems less than innocent, and know how to diffuse it politely if it’s light. But man. I definitely have to be careful. I don’t have my mom or sister around so the dudes are a lot less respectful – I’m a lone female traveller.

It’s fine though! Nothing less than I was expecting really, and I can handle myself. I’m looking forward to getting to the island and seeing what the vibe is like there.

For the rest of today, I’m gonna unwind and head to bed early so I can get ready to take on this week.

I’m still waiting on some excursion people to get back to me regarding tomorrow and Thursday, but I’m not worried. I know everything will work out exactly as it’s meant to. For now… I shall do what I intended, and just enjoy this quiet alone time. But adventure definitely awaits.

Until next time,

Love always,


Day 68 + 69 – March 9th & 10th, 2018

Hello! Just thought I’d write a quick log before I head off to bed. I still haven’t packed or gotten anything ready for my trip and I’m still not nervous about it because I know it’ll all fall into place as it’s meant to.

One thing I do need to start focusing on though: manifesting my intentions as clearly and strongly as possible.

I keep feeding my worries by talking about the possible things that could go wrong, or the scary stuff. And that’s not what I want to give power to, those aren’t the kinds of vibrations I want in the air when I’m on the way there.

So, I’ve started saying out loud, “I’m going to have an amazing trip, and I am going to be safe.”

And when people ask me about it, that’s exactly what I’m going to say. Not, “oh, I heard there was shooting” or “yes, there are parts of the city that are kind of sketchy.”

There’s always going to be sketchy parts of the world, or people dying. If I let those things stop me or if I allow those things to create fear in me, then I’m never ever going to experience the world as deeply and as fully as I want to. I’m never going to be able to adventure in the ways that I dream of.

So, power to the positive. That’s all I’m going to focus on. I’m going to visualize myself in the sun, on the beach, exploring old ruins or snorkelling amidst hundreds of multi-coloured fish. I am going to truly enjoy my own company and this time that I’ve gifted to myself. A whole week of solitude!! A whole week of just company with me, or with the people I meet if I so choose! How beautiful is that?!

More than anything, I want this trip to strengthen my relationship with my intuition. I want to see the ways in which I listen to it and how it communicates with me. I want to watch the ways I manifest the things that I do, on this trip.

Anyways, that’s about all for today! I got my health card renewed, had my driving lesson today, so so far everything is going according to plan! There’s just a couple more stuff I need to do before I can leave with a clear mind, and then I’m out.

It truly is going to be an amazing trip. It will be life-changing, everything I need, and teach me in ways I hadn’t even realized myself that I needed to grow in.

I’ll write tomorrow if I can find a moment!

Love always,


Day 67 – March 8th, 2018

Oh boy.

LOL, I’ve started this and backspaced so many times because I don’t really know how to start. But it looks like this was good enough so, hellooooo.

I would just like to say, that after this log, I am going to remove myself out of this state of being that I am currently in which I would like to call “in my feels”. After I address all of this, no mas. Life goes on.

Okay so, for old time’s sake… some details about last night.

Before he picked me up, I was so nervous! Despite everything I wrote in my prior log about not being nervous or not wanting to be since we’re just friends, my heart was racing like mad once he’d said he was on his way! Despite being mindful about how I felt, I couldn’t make my heart stop from racing so I decided to sit for a moment and meditate until I regulated my breathing and heart rate, and that worked.

Once he picked me up, we started talking right off the bat as per usual (with a little bit of a pause on my end at first though, I must admit – it had been a really long time we’d hung out last after all! So it took a bit to get into the groove of things again). He mentioned it was weird that we don’t see each other as often anymore since we don’t work together and I hadn’t really taken that into account in all honesty! But it was nice that he’d noticed.

Anyways, while we were on our way there, I was talking so quickly that I almost began stumbling over my words LOL but the moment I did, I immediately slowed down and altered my pace and tone (thank you, Wired for Dating). I caught him up over how my trip to Antigua was – how I saw the whole group of squid and lost my shit thinking they were jellyfish, about how cool the beaches were, how nice the local people were and the friends we made, about zip-lining and swimming with stingrays and how the whole trip made my mom and sister see how cool travelling in my style could be.

We also talked about the whole situation with Luna; I updated him on how everything was going, about the talk that his mom had with me, about my current feelings on the whole matter. I also told him how her sister had messaged me out of the blue yesterday morning coincidentally, which was nice. I do miss Lana too (which reminds me, I should probably reply soon). Either way, he told me that whatever is meant to be will be, and he knows that I’m going to figure it out exactly as I’m meant to, which I completely agreed with.

Once we got there, we had to go through this back entrance that seemed pretty sketch at first (I joked that I was lowkey planning on having him sacrificed and he had been thinking along those same lines) but it led to the place which was tiny, cozy and exactly the kind of place that he and I both love.

(Jesus, I keep pausing to reminisce/get lost in thought as I write this in between every paragraph and at this rate, I’m going to end up finishing this log tomorrow, LOL).

Anyways, once we sat down got settled, it took us a little while to even look at the menus because we got engrossed in conversation right off the bat about his trip to Hawaii. But we ended up ordering a hotpot with octopus and bulgogi (because I know he liked both) and honestly it was delicious – slightly spicy but super flavourful, and he loved it, which made me really happy.

We talked about so much, I can’t even begin to address the amount of topics we covered in detail so I’ll just skim over what stood out briefly: he told me his stories from Hawaii, his experiences with the people he’d originally met in Las Vegas with Kekoa collective (Hawaiian based MMA company that specializes in giving back to the community, mindfulness, yoga and living as simply as possible), how the trip changed his life and made him want more than this life we were taught to live.

We talked about our current family situations – how his mom and dad are currently at odds over Derek, and how he’s going to stick by his mom no matter what. He’s also worried that his brothers are going to resent him because he feels like he’s had a hand in raising them and being pushier towards them than a normal brother would have been so he’s felt like stepping back. And I told him that there’s no way they could end up resenting him for good (even if they did now because they’re younger) because ultimately Dylan’s intentions were coming from a place of love and care, and as they grew older, the more they would realize that, and that resentment would turn into respect.

He thanked me for that, and told me that that was something he’d needed to hear.

We talked about the current dilemma I’m in with Daniella having moved in (her boyfriend randomly materialized out of nowhere after having disappeared for three months, and has proceeded to basically move into our basement with her… when we’d initially only agreed to have her move in). We kind of laughed about it though, because the whole situation is so absolutely crazy and it’s pretty funny that I of course happened to find myself in it.

We talked about life and wanting more from it and our future travel plans and caught up over big and little things, like how he’d recently fell out with a friend he’d been friends with since the sixth grade, or how he was liking his new job as a server, about how work was going for me, and school as well and everything to do with the strike.

Funny coincidence – we’d both done Adderall around the same time to study, and the exact same thing ended up happening to each of us where we were super focused on studying, and then neither of us could fall asleep until 6 in the morning!

Which led us to talking about our shrooms experiences and he ended up confiding in me about his latest experience and what it entailed, stuff that he hadn’t talked about or mentioned to anyone else other than me (regarding his realizations afterwards). And I so badly wanted to delve in more, ask him further about what he realized, but my gut held me back, I’m not sure why. I guess it’s because this is technically the third or fourth time that we’ve actually hung out and spent time together, and those realizations he had stem from a very deep place that I think will take him time to be comfortable enough to share with me, and that’s okay. I’m just glad that he could talk about it as openly (for him) and earnestly as he could, with me.

We talked about my upcoming travel plans and how this all ties into my ongoing journey to enjoy my own company and become more self-sufficient, and he said he was glad and happy for me that I was realizing how amazing it is to enjoy your own company and to genuinely enjoy solitude. He told me he’s always been that way, a “lone wolf” and highly independent (makes so much sense, he’s honestly such an Aquarius [which I refrained some saying because I know his stance on astrology LOL]).

He’d mentioned that he had tried Korean BBQ in Hawaii but then after asking more about it, I realized it wasn’t the kind of KBBQ where you get to cook your own food and have it keep coming, like the locations that we have around here, and he immediately felt ripped off from the experience LOL. He said that that’s where we’d go next then, and that I should ask Leila for more locations we could check out for that. I’m glad he’s so open to trying new things in the exact same way that I am.

After we were super full, he asked for the bill but I protested and said that it was on me since this was my idea. He seemed rather taken aback at first, but then he conceded and admitted that he never lets anyone pay for him, but he’d make an exception for me this time.

Once we got back to his car, he gave me a gift that he’d brought back from Hawaii – it was a shirt from Kekoa collective. Backtracking a bit, he showed me their story, a description that the owner had written about the nature of Kekoa collective, and he said that when he had first read it, that it had immediately reminded him of me.

“Ke koa” in Hawaiian means brave, bold, fearless, valiant, courageous, soldier, warrior, fighter, hero. Their initiative entailed living life as simplistically but as passionately as possible, and their main rules are: word hard, play hard and do-good. They believe in balance and mindfulness, living life as self-aware and self-fulfilled as possible by giving back to the community and casting aside that “anything for a buck” mentality.

Anyways, the shirt he got me had “own less, love more” on it with a simplistic compass in the middle, with an intricate sun and moon drawn into it, similar to the tattoos on my back.

I thanked him sincerely and gave him a huge hug.

And then we proceeded to get distracted by a passing racoon, which led to him telling me a funny story about how one broke into his house once and how they’ve sketched him out ever since (which had me dying because I think they’re adorable).

And then he asked about my old punk-rock emo phase because he’d recently gotten into Green Day, which also had me dying. I started telling him about all the songs and bands I used to listen to back in the day, so the whole way home we listened to my favourite songs by Blink-182, Sum 41, Billy Talent. He blasted Fallen Leaves at one point down the high way and honestly it was so much fun singing along and somewhat head banging along to it, LOL. I told him to check out The National because I was curious to see if he’d like their sound, and we talked about which of The Black Keys’ songs were our favourite.

Once we got back to my house, he parked off to the side because we were still talking – he showed me the recent addition to his BJJ buddy’s horror movie tattoo sleeve because we were talking about how he wanted to get his upcoming tattoos done soon, especially the tulip idea that I’d sent him.

After that, he thanked me sincerely for dinner and said he’d thoroughly enjoyed it, and I thanked him for picking up and dropping off my sorry non-driving ass, LOL. For once, I was actually perfectly calm and collected while hugging him goodbye and getting out of his car, (thank goodness).

Once I got into my house, he immediately messaged me because he remembered the name of one of the Billy Talent songs neither of us could remember, and then I told him to try listening to some Evanescence songs (which he surprisingly liked), and he gave the National a listen and liked their sound too. He wished me an amazing trip and thanked me again for dinner, and I thanked him for the shirt (which fit perfectly). And that was that.

Sigh. Like, massive, heaving, proverbial sigh.

All in all, last night was so, so much fun. I’m so incredibly glad we’re friends because he genuinely makes me laugh, we can talk about literally everything and anything and even our silences feel comfortable, and being around him and hanging out with him always feels easy and adventurous.

Which in turn, leaves my heart in a state that I like to call (and have coined), called “bruise-y”.

Bruise-y: the achy feeling you get in your heart when you’re experiencing feelings of nostalgia, melancholy, or pangs of longing based on things you cannot have or wish could be.

I spent so much time away from him or any thought of him for the past couple months that I thought this would have been easy, you know? I think the time and space apart definitely did me some good and helped me to come to terms with my unresolved feelings. But the truth of the matter is, those feelings are unresolved still.

Yes, I know he only sees me as a friend, and yes, I am perfectly okay with that and happy that we still have this friendship.

But man.

Despite everything I know about him now – his quick temper, the problems he’s had with his mom over Chuck and how he’s been unable to put her happiness first in that situation, and how quick he can be to lash out when he’s in that state. Despite all of those things… the good continues to outweigh it all, feeding into the feelings that I know I should no longer have.

But is it me? Am I being selective in what I see because he falls into my old attraction patterns of being someone who appears to need fixing?

The difference in this case (I hope I’m being objective) is that he seems really independent; that he doesn’t need anyone to “fix” him and he’s very intent on growing into himself, on his own.

I don’t know. I know what Nadia would tell me, based on my old patterns of attachment-style and the type of guys I tend to find myself drawn to or attracted to based on the summation of my past experiences, including the latent unconscious effects of my parents relationship on my psyche. I’m well-aware of all of those things now, including the effects of the neuro-chemicals that are released when you are initially attracted to someone, and how blinding those chemicals can be from having you see things (or a person) objectively.

Regardless of all of this though, the truth and the fact of the matter remains that he doesn’t feel the same way as I do, and only sees me as a friend. Hence, the “bruise-y” feeling.

Oh well. The feelings have to go, if I’m going to be able to maintain this friendship without the bruise-y feeling making a reappearance every time we hang out. And what’ll happen when he starts dating someone, you know? I have to be prepared for that.

If it wasn’t in the cards for us, then it wasn’t, and I have to come to terms with this fact. But ah, you never really know the ache of “what if” or “what could have been” until you start seeing it in your interactions. Because hanging out like that and getting along as well as we do, those little underlying thoughts of “what could be” or “what if” shone through and they hurt like hell LOL.

Okay, I have to go get ready for work now so that I can leave on time, but this was a good log. Bruise-y, but that’s okay. In a couple days’ time I’ll be leaving the country on my own for the first time in my life, and I won’t have time to entertain the bruise-y thoughts.

As a whole though, I must say – I’m glad I was able to get comfortable and be myself and actually just have a conversation with him with no holds barred. I was super transparent about myself, and it seemed he was trying to be as well, and I’m glad. I no longer see him as some “character” in my “narrative” – he’s a real human being with a very real past and a present that I’m currently a part of, for the moment.

Anyways, that’s all for today! Still have to catch up on certain things but I think that tonight might finally be the night that I actually continue a log that I say I will come back to, LOL. We’ll see.

If not though, just in case…

Love, love, love,


Okay, I’m back, but I’m way too lazy to address the other stuff LOL.

Um, nutshell stuff though maybe – still talking to Jake, after 5 consecutive weeks of messaging each other which is cool. Nadia made me see that I have to be really careful about how I invest my feelings in the people I meet online because a) regardless of how long we’ve been talking, literally everything he’s saying could be a lie and b) I legit don’t know what he looks like in person, so… yeah. We’ll see how things go. I hope we do meet eventually because I think it’ll be interesting (and that he’ll serve as a “proper” distraction).

My appointment with Nadia was awesome. Honestly, after seeing her for as long as I have, I’m starting to feel like we’re friends – at the end of our session, she was like, “this is super unprofessional but… what makeup do you use? And I LOVE your tattoo, can I take a picture?” LMAO, she’s so cool.

Today at work, Sera was in and we got to go on break with the other girls (Lianna, Marilyn and Daniella). Lianna and Daniella sort of got into a bit of an argument, so at one point, Sera and I just looked at each other and started talking LOL (we’re both no good with that kind of stuff). She asked me if I’d hung out with Dylan the night before, and I honestly couldn’t help but light up when she asked. I told her how good the hot pot was, and she asked if I loved the shirt he got me and I told her I did. She joked that when she’d seen it, she wanted it for herself, and that Dylan had even called her from Hawaii to ask what she thought my size would be (cute).

Ugh. I wish I could talk to her about all of this, but I really don’t want to put her in any awkward position. Sigh.

I promised myself that today would be my full day of bruise-y, so. I guess I’m making the most of it.

But I mean, I still have my faith in the universe and the universe’s plan. There must be a reason I still feel like this, no? Is there? Or is this just the neuro-chemicals in my brain, even after a year? Even after a couple months of separation and learning everything I did about him?

Eh. Time will reveal all, I’m sure.

But for now… in a couple days, I’ll be getting the space I need from the situation, literally.

Fuck, it’s still so surreal that I’m leaving to another country in like… FOUR DAYS WHAT THE FUCK. I’m nowhere near ready, LMAO. I haven’t even begun to pack, I still have to make a list of everything I’ll need so I don’t forget, and I still need to exchange money!!

This is real. This is happening. I need to really take this in and prepare accordingly. Sure, it’s fun to tell everyone that I’m travelling by myself for the first time ever. But I need to start actually understanding the magnitude of this – I’m leaving the country, to ANOTHER country, all on my own. A totally foreign country that I only know the basics about, and will have to learn about from scratch when I get there. I need to do some real research and figure out what I want the trip to look like for me, where I want to go, what I want to explore, and how I’ll get to those places.

But I also know I don’t need to worry, because I landed in Antigua with no plans whatsoever, went with the flow and took it day by day, and everything turned out better than perfect. So I believe in myself in that sense.

I’m so proud of myself. I am brave! I am fearless. I love, love that about me. I love how eagerly and actively I’ve been trying to leave every single one of my comfort zones in the past year so far. Life has been vibrant and colorful by my own hand, by my own means.

It’s going to be amazing. It’s going to be life-changing. Adventure awaits.

You know, if this is what being “crazy” entails, then I definitely wouldn’t want to be any other way.

Okay, off to bed with me! The next couple days are going to be hella busy – I’ve got to get my health card renewed, I’ve got back to back shifts for the next 3 days, I have a driver’s lesson amidst all of that, I’ve got to exchange money, start packing, start planning, and get everything together. I promise that when I can find a moment to write, I will!

Until then,

Love always,


Day 66 – March 7th, 2018

Hello! Okay quick log before I have to skedaddle off to shower, but I just want to make note of something before I forget because this was a huge breakthrough and I’m really proud of myself.

I just got home from work and my mom was already home, and somehow the conversation turned into her asking me if I was going to graduate this year and I explained, yet again, that it wasn’t going to be this year.

Which of course, turned into the same old argument of “I worked so hard to put aside money for you and I’ve spent my life in misery with your father and I just want you and your sister to graduate and get good jobs so that I can at least have a little happiness in my life” etc. etc.

As it went back and forth between her yelling and me calmly trying to explain why (yet again) I would not be graduating this year, for the first time ever I was actually watching myself. I was mindful of my experience. I could feel the tension mounting in my shoulders, the anger brewing in my gut. I wanted to snap back so badly, I wanted to yell and rage that I was tired of the exact same argument happening over and over again and that I’m perfectly happy with where I am in my life, for once. I was tired of feeling like a failure according to her standards, which weren’t even her own and put into her head by the society she’d grown accustomed to.

Instead, I breathed. I breathed deeply, kept my tone low and soothing, and massaged out of the tension from my shoulders and neck by slowly rotating my head clockwise and counter-clockwise.

As I did this, she continued on, but because I wasn’t feeding her reaction with my own reaction, soon the true nature of her anger began to shine through: Fear. Pain. Regret. Sadness. All stemming, not from my sister and I, but from her experiences with my dad.

Thank god I read Radical Acceptance. Because I was able to not react (despite my severe temptation to snap and storm off) my mom was able to sit down and have a conversation with me about her pain, and I was able to be empathetic with her in return.

There’s been so much pain, on all ends. But rather than letting the wounds fester, I want to heal my own so that I can help heal my mom and my sister. I don’t want to be a catalyst for more pain. I don’t want to harbour resentment or anger against my mom just because she doesn’t know how to cope with her own pain sometimes and uses us as an outlet – I know she doesn’t mean it and I know it’s not intentional.

When my mom actually sat down and started taking in everything I was saying and started really letting me in herself, I could feel my anger dissipate into empathy. I watched as the tension in my shoulders disappeared, as the knot in my stomach loosened. It was amazing. My heart opened up and I was able to talk to her normally. It felt like I had successfully diffused a bomb.

I promised her I would do my best to be more patient with her, and in return I hoped that she would have more faith in myself and Olivia, and trust in the fact that one day we’re going to find our paths and end up exactly where we’re meant to, on our own terms. That one day, her vision of our end-goals and our actual end-goals will coincide, and we’ll all be happy together.

So, that’s what real mindfulness feels like. That’s what it truly means to watch yourself, to think before you react. It was amazing. I’m proud of me. It was incredible to watch how my anger, fear, mistrust and resentment slowly turned into sympathy, understanding and acceptance. And all it took was pausing, patience, and a little bit of mindful breathing.

Anyways, that’s all I wanted to jot down for now. I have to go get ready for my hang out thing with Dylan tonight.

I’m not nervous. Why would I be nervous? That’s ridiculous, because we’re friends and only friends and he only sees me as a friend and that’s all that matters. And, I’m over it. I’m over him. I’ve over all that, and I’m happy we’re friends, and that’s all on the matter. So, no. I’m not nervous. Because this is just two friends casually hanging out and getting some hot pot and catching up.

Now this is everything I know logically ^ so I’m trying to tell that to my nervous system because it’s acting up for absolutely no reason whatsoever, which is gross.


Hopefully I’ll write later tonight.

Wish me lu- I mean, don’t. Because, it’s nothing I need luck for, after all, right?

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Day 62, 63, 64, 65 – March 3rd – 6th, 2018

Hello! Okay so, March has already begun with a bang and is progressing as such: my school has officially gone on strike with no possible bargaining happening any time soon which means… I BOOKED MY TICKET TO BELIZE ON SUNDAY!!!!!!!! (it’s Tuesday now).

I also got travel insurance just in case I do need to cancel my ticket, but man… we’ll see what’s meant to be! I’m already in the works of planning everything because I leave exactly one week from today (holy shit). It was so funny – that same night I’d booked the ticket, when I was about to fall asleep, my eyes shot open as I realized the magnitude of the decision I’d just made: I’m travelling by myself for the first time in my entire life. HOLY. SHIT.

I’ll be staying in a quaint little guest house just off the coast in Belize City, five minutes away from the Ferry Terminal that will take me to the island that inspired one of Madonna’s infamous songs, “La Isla Bonita”, called San Pedro.

Funny, that’s always been one of my favourite Madonna songs. And I had NO IDEA that it was based off of Belize or that San Pedro was an actual place until one of my coworkers told me! Interesting synchronicity, that’s for sure.

Anyways, that’s about that. I’m so lazy to type this! I keep getting distracted by literally anything else and I know I have to keep this brief because soon I’m going to have to head off to get ready to watch Black Panther with Avery and possibly Leila if she can make it! With this strike in motion, I suddenly feel like I have so much more free time and I’m not quite sure what to do with it all, LOL.

I suppose I can cover at least one of the topics I was supposed to talk about before I end this! And then finish up when I get back. Let’s see…

Ugh, no, I want to have more motivation to type everything out at once and right now, all I can think about is getting ready on time because I really, really need to stop ubering everywhere to save time, it’s costing me so much money that I don’t need to spend! What I do need to work on is my time management skills.

Okay, I’ll go get ready now and finish this up tonight after the movie or tomorrow morning if need be. Until later!