Day 88 to 92 – March 29th to April 2nd, 2019

Hello! So that was a crazy couple of days I went through last week. Lots of revelations, lots of things that had to be done as a result. I know what I have to do to move forward, but my main priority is pursuing the introspective route and figuring out how to end the “cycle” to the best of my ability. My appointment with my family doctor is scheduled for next Monday, which is good.

I just started reading this book by Dr. Gabor Mate, “Scattered Minds”. It’s about ADD in children and adults, from diagnosis to healing. He himself also has ADD, so it’s been so interesting to read about ADD from the perspective of a doctor who has it too. In fact, so much of what I’ve already read so far has resonated with me on a very deep level. I had to stop reading because, I don’t think I’m ready per se. I’m also scared – I can relate to so much of what he says and so much of what he describes as ADD/ADHD. But what if I got through the assessment and I’m told I don’t have it? Which I suppose would be a good thing, but then what do I have left to explain why my academic life has been the way that it has been for most of my life? It’s all very… I don’t know. It makes me uncomfortable but I know that’s a good thing and it’s also a given once you start searching for answers. And answers are exactly what I need now.

On a more positive note – my parents have officially left to Sri Lanka for 3 weeks! Wow. I love them so much, I really do, but three whole weeks of pure unadulterated (no pun intended) freedom!?! I barely even know what to do with myself, LMAO. So far, so good though. I just have to make sure Bea and Olivia are okay and fed and what not, and obviously take care of myself which shouldn’t be too difficult to do.

Also, after this week I start my new position! I was feeling kind of anxious about it because it is a whole new role that’s been created basically specifically for me, so I made some notes as to what I can do to be proactive in my new role without having to wait to be told what to do. I want to step into this as confidently as I can because I’ve earned this, and I’d like to be treated as such as well.

I have a lot of things I have to do. And slowly but surely, I’m going to get around to doing them. But for now, I’m just going to relax and enjoy this momentary peace and quiet because Lord knows it’s going to fly by.

I guess that’s about it? I’m looking forward to all the new challenges this month will bring about. April is always a good month.

Oh yeah wait! So it’s been almost a week since I’ve deleted Instagram and Netflix off of my phone, and guess which one I’ve been struggling with the most. Netflix!!! Isn’t that nuts? I never realized how easy it is to sink into binge-watching and turn off my brain. It’s almost unnerving now, the amount of free time I have now that I’ve deleted the app off of my phone and I no longer have anything to watch or the means to watch it. But this is so good though. This is teaching me moderation, instead of the mindless binging and autopilot scrolling. Even the Instagram purge is going well. Sometimes I miss it and I’ll redownload it for two seconds in an attempt to perhaps deactivate my account completely, but then I just delete it again.

I don’t know if I want to deactivate it completely, it’s so weird to think of completely cutting off my access to that platform. I know it was such a waste of time and I was definitely borderline addicted to it. I no longer check my phone first thing in the morning or spend like ten minutes in bed just mindlessly scrolling before I begin my day, so deleting it off my phone really has made such a difference. But I do enjoy collecting my travels on it. Maybe I can just keep my account but keep the app off of my phone, redownload it to check it once a week, and use it only while I travel. I’d say that’s a pretty good compromise! But for now, cold turkey. At least for as long as I can muster before I start reintroducing it in small doses again. Or something.

Anyways, that’s about it!

Tomorrow I’m going to hang out with Adrian (he’s making dinner for us), and Olivia’s going to be home so Bea’s not all alone, which I hope is okay. I lowkey feel a little guilty about leaving but I swear it’s the only time I will. But Olivia’s home, so that’s good. But she’ll be working. But yeah.

Okay, that’s all for today! I’ll write to myself more frequently this month I feel, because I have a lot more time and this is actually a productive way to spend my time as opposed to Netflix/Instagram.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 59 to 72 – February 28th to March 13th, 2019

Holy hell, I haven’t written in two weeks. Which is fine I guess, but I got that muddled feeling again in my chest recently (it’s gone now though because I had a very enlightening, open and honest conversation today which actually helped so much).

Hello me!!! Long time no talk. How you be?

Honestly I want to say the last two weeks have been pretty busy, and I suppose they have been. I’ve had work, I’ve already had two exams, I have been studying, and when I’m not studying, I’m trying to make time for myself and all the people in my life. I don’t have very many people, that is to say, but trying to give everyone individually some time when there aren’t many days in a week is a little tricky amidst all these exams. But, I knew that March was going to be a busy month.

My saving endeavors have been going quite well! I’ve cut down the amount of unnecessary spending I do by bringing lunch to work and little tricks like that, which feels so good. And with the influx of hours I have lately, anything I do have to spend money on (various bills and expenses) I know will come back to me oh so soon.

I’ve been feeling pretty good. School has been a little stressful but I’m trying. I have more motivation than ever to do my petition and submit it, but I’m not a multi-tasking kind of person – I really want to get these exams out of the way before I hand in the petition.

In regards to work – well… I have some pretty damn good news, potentially. So, Maria has recently been promoted from Counter Manager to Business Manager (which she so completely deserves). She’ll now be more responsible for both of our major accounts at Yorkdale, which means she now needs a “co-ordinator” who can be a representative for her on her off days, when she’s on vacation, but also a person who can run/oversee events, do merchandising, and oversee/designate tasks to the other Fragrance Ambassadors along with some other responsibilities. And guess what.

THEY’RE CONSIDERING ME!!!!! It’d be a huge promotion for me from my current position – yes, I’d have a couple more responsibilities when it comes to work, but also I’d be getting yet ANOTHER raise on top of the one I just received, and a solid amount of hours per week. Here’s the best part though – it’s exactly the same amount of hours I work currently, a part-time position. Which means, I can still continue on completing my degree at my own pace but make substantially more money than I have been! Which means, I will truly be able to start saving properly.

I’ll admit – I got really excited when I heard they were considering me. I feel like I’d do so well with this promotion, and I’d be one of the youngest co-ordinators in the business. However – I did get a little worried about how this would affect my school life. I would have to more so revolve my schooling around this position I believe. And the thing is, I’m willing to do that, which kind of makes me wonder. I know they’d still be flexible with me and compromise with me, because they know school is important to me.

But the way I see it is – I genuinely enjoy this industry. I love fragrance, make-up, fashion, I always have. I love the glamour and glitz of it all. If I have the opportunity to learn more about what it all entails and move up in it while still keeping my options open and still being able to finish school, then why not, right?

Well, we’ll see what’s meant to be. Either they decide that because I have school, I won’t be as committed as they need and they don’t choose me and I continue on with my current position (which is no problem to me since I just got a raise and I still have steady hours), or I get promoted. No matter what the outcome is, I’m honoured that they considered me at all.

So that’s that on the work-school front.

I didn’t get a chance to hang out with Avery two weeks ago because some family of his actually showed up on an impromptu visit, but we did finally get a chance to hang out today. Honestly? I was nervous. I was scared that we wouldn’t still have our same click like we always have had. But, I’m glad I gave it a chance because I found out that we still do.

We talked for HOURS. We sat at this little bar in my area and just caught up on everything. How his life is going, his business plan, his relationship, my work-school life, my relationship, everything. We even got in depth about my whole dilemma regarding how hard it is for me to sit through studying and focus. He even tried to help me come up with ways to make studying more easy for me. We talked about important things – growth, the things life has taught us, what we want from and for our futures, you name it. It was real, genuine, and actually got quite in-depth. I talked about things I didn’t realize I wanted to talk about. Afterwards, I sat there in shock because it takes quite a bit for me to open up and talk about my “deeper stuff” that much.

But that’s how I knew that my gauge on our friendship was good. No matter how much time passes or how infrequently we talk, whenever we do get together, we never miss a beat. I’m so thankful for that. I’m thankful that he asks me questions that actually prompt me to think, to look within and search for answers that I may not necessarily seek myself. That’s exactly what I want from my friendships.

I told him that straight up. That I missed him, that I’m happy we were catching up, that it’s rare to have friends like him or conversations like the ones we have. I’m glad we got the opportunity to spend time with one another after all.

Friday,  Adrian is taking me to Dave N’ Busters to celebrate yet another exam over with and my potential promotion. I love him so much honestly – literally just last night I told Olivia I feel like going back to DNB soon, and then this morning, like magic, Adrian asked me if I’d like to go. It’s like, everything I hope for or think somehow just comes true when it comes to him. We really are alchemical, our relationship with one another. And I know I’m currently saying this based off of him wanting to take me to DNB LMFAO but like, that’s how fucking appreciative I am of the littlest things when it comes to us. He just makes me so happy in every possible way, and I had no idea I could have everything I could have ever wanted when it comes to a partner, you know? So I want that gratitude to shine through in my every word, in every one of my days, at all times. I’m so, so, so grateful, so thankful.

Also, he invited me to his cousin’s birthday on Saturday night!!! Also a little nervous for that, I wonder if more of his family is going to be there? I’m excited to meet them though, if that’s the case.

I know it’s early – it’s still not a full year since we’ve met. But I don’t care. I could honestly see myself ending up with him. I know we still need more time to get to know one another – see each other angry, and scared, or really, really sad. There’s still so much. But oh man. I just, can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else at the moment.

Le sigh.

Anyways, I’m going to go watch Game of Thrones now. I hope that in my next log, I can go more in depth about my relationship with school, because some very valid points were made while I was talking to Avery and he pointed out some things to me that made me think, or things I would not have thought of before. Until next time!

Love always and in every way,

Me.