Day 147 to 153 – May 26th to June 1st, 2020

HAPPY NEW MONTH! And just like that, May is over. It’s officially June! New month, new opportunities, new moments to be created. I’m sure it’s going to be a good month! (At least, I hope). 

May really passed by in a blur, throughout the end of the month. I didn’t write as much as I should have, but here we are again with a new month and a new chance to begin again. I shall dedicate this log to being a proper catch-up log, because it’s been a while. 

Where to begin!? Do I talk about what’s going on in the outside world first, or the inside world? I guess I’ll talk about the outside world and then how I have been relating to it as of late afterwards. 

Well, the pandemic is still going on strong; we’ve officially surpassed 6 million cases worldwide and some countries are only now beginning to face the brunt of the disease, like Brazil. Here in Canada, the past few days have seen a decline in cases from 1000 per day to about 900 per day, so that’s positive. It seemed that there could be a possible second wave and it hasn’t been ruled out yet completely, but it does seem like some industries are returning to business as usual (save for all the new protocols that have been implemented). 

Nevertheless, it does seem as though quarantine is continuing on into June, seeing as many things remain closed and social distancing is still being strongly encouraged. They’re placing 6 foot circles 10 meters apart in some parks, such as Trinity Bellwoods. Personally, I like the idea of this so that people can actually enjoy being outside again, but I hope that there aren’t the idiot few who ruin it for the many by not respecting the spacing guidelines. 

What a year man. It’s been crazy so far. It genuinely feels like a movie sometimes. But this is real life. 

Anyways, moving on to inside life. Things have been good! I’ve been back on my ADHD medication (in an attempt to be focused as well as moderate my weight), and I’ve been pretty productive lately. I’ve taken up running three times a week, and slowly but surely my stamina is increasing. I do want to be healthier overall, so I’m glad that I’ve been getting more consistent about my runs. 

I’ve cleaned out my closet and wardrobe to get rid of old clothing, reorganized everything and bought some cute new dresses (which I hope I’ll somehow get the opportunity to wear out some time this summer LOL). The house renovation projects have been going well (not that I’ve had any part in it hehehehe) and now our place is looking so much more bright and new. Quarantine really has been benefitting all of us in the best ways possible. 

Now that I’ve finished my painting, I need a new project to keep me busy. I know I should be working on my book, so maybe sometime this week I can return to that. I didn’t get a first draft done by today the way I hoped I would. But nevertheless, that first chapter is a good start. Chapter 2 shall arrive shortly. In the meanwhile, I would like to begin another painting, and my gardening has been keeping me a little busy as well. I have new plant babies! An aloe plant, and some beautiful lilies outside. I repotted my aloe plant with my bare hands and my heart is so happy :’). 

My anxiety has been getting a bit better. I don’t know if it’s a combination of physical exercise, more sun and vitamin D, being more productive and regulating my sleep cycles, but whatever it is or as a whole, things have been improving. My anxiety sort of made a flare-up after the whole thing with dad. Also, I had to have yet another talk with my mom because she did end up having one of her misdirected meltdowns/tantrums towards me despite the pre-emptive talk I had with her before. It went well, but Olivia happened to be there too and some things that my mom said inadvertently triggered her, which led to her having a bit of a meltdown herself. 

I’m glad that Nadia showed me the book “Not the Price of Admission”, a book about healing your relationship with yourself and others after having a traumatic or difficult childhood. I’m no longer attached to the point that I embody my mom’s pain, fears, worries, anxieties and projections as my own. In fact, the distance between us allows me the space to love her better and understand her deeper. I also know that even though sometimes her love seems conditional, on many other levels it isn’t. And wherever it is conditional, it’s up to me to love myself accordingly. 

What got Olivia was that my mom was basically saying she doesn’t have any reason to be proud of us because neither of us have our licenses yet, neither of us have graduated yet, and we don’t have anything to show for years of being in school. And I very calmly explained to her that if the only reasons she could be proud of us were for those reasons in particular, then that was very sad and I felt very sorry for her. I explained that Olivia and I have grown up to be beautiful, strong, intelligent women who are kind-hearted and good. That we’re figuring out our lives to the best of our abilities and doing whatever we can to better ourselves. That in itself should be more than enough reason to be proud of us. 

I explained it all to Olivia afterwards, when she let me know that mom had gotten to her. How important it is that we learn to be proud of OURSELVES first, and love ourselves unconditionally the way a parent should. We have to be the parent we never had by filling in all our own wounds first, so that this cycle of expectation and projection doesn’t continue when we have kids. It starts with us, to break the cycle of pain. I told her that she has to fulfill her own life’s purpose first and foremost for herself, and that everything else would fall into place accordingly. 

It’s not easy to be told by your parent that you are their only sole source of happiness and that their peace of mind resides completely on you and your “accomplishments” in life. That’s a lot of pressure. I know she ultimately wants us to be happy and successful, and we will be, but on OUR terms and on our OWN time. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for today! 

I’m still going with the flow and letting life take me where it will. Whatever is meant to be, will be. 

I’ll try to start writing more again this month and keep myself updated, and try to do more emotional/mental check-ins during this time! Lot’s of heaviness in the air these days. It’s important to rest, recharge and transmute that energy. 

Until tomorrow! 

Love always, 


Day 139 to 146 – May 18th to 25th, 2020

Oops! It’s been about a week since I’ve written last, BUT, nothing majorly eventful has happened since I last wrote. In fact, it’s been a pretty great week! We ended up spontaneously going to the cottage again this past weekend, and the weather was finally hot enough for us to actually go swimming. The water was still pretty damn cold, but the air was warm enough that it actually felt refreshing to dip into the water here and there. I have a tan for what feels like the first time since I went to Aruba, LOL. That vitamin D though! 

Anyways, I’m also about a week away from my June 1st deadline for my book and… well… I only still have the first chapter, heh. Time has been slipping away from me lately. But, on the bright side, I had some of my cousins read my first chapter and the feedback I received was heart-warming and super affirming too; I know that I don’t have anything to fear when it comes to getting my message across. 

I’m sure inspiration will strike again soon, and chapter 2 will be born. I’m excited! I’ve really enjoyed the process so far. But I want it to flow and feel organic rather than forced. At the same time, I know it’s important to be dedicated to my craft and work at it tirelessly. I guess you could say that I’m trying to find my balance between the two. 

I did finish my painting though! It was bittersweet – I enjoyed the process so much that I almost felt sad to end my paint project; that was a new feeling for me. I never realized how much I enjoy the “doing” part of the things I take on. Maybe that’s why I never quite finish anything that I start. Because I have so much fun starting things. 

My creativity has been inspiring me at every turn lately. I’ve gotten back to writing fiction, writing in general, painting, and now I even want to get back into makeup, LMAO. Only because I actually genuinely miss doing my makeup every day. But like, how fun would it be to get contact lenses and wigs and reaaaaally go ham with it!?!? 

I might actually, honestly. I have so much time to do whatever the heck I want. 

I was thinking about stuff. So, my coworkers have all gone back to work, as our store officially opened this past Friday. But, because I don’t work for the store and since I’m vendor-paid, I’m not required to go back for up to 30 days after the opening. Chances are, I may be allowed to go back at the end of June. 

Here’s the thing though. I don’t want to go back. 

I’m getting more money from the government than I do working almost full-time hours. Not to mention, I’m actually SAVING a ton of money from NOT going into work because of how often I Ubered to and from work on a daily basis and not spending money on food (minus the random splurges on UberEats here and there, hehe). But yeah. I’m making more money than I usually do and saving it all, all by NOT working. It’s the fucking life. It’s a dream. I’ve never felt so financially secure and free. In fact, the hardest part lately has been trying to talk myself out of spending the money unnecessarily, just because I can. 

So… I’m thinking. If Maria asks me to come back to work at the end of June… I’m going to ask if I can take the rest of the summer off, and start again in September. Summer is often super dead as it is. If Sharon wants to go back, she’s more than welcome to take my place. In all honesty, Maria doesn’t really need me anymore. I planned events, I did scheduling, I helped with other paperwork matters. But now, there’s no one to schedule and there’s no events that need coordinating. I’m scared that if I do return to work, I’ll no longer be eligible for the government money anymore, and I’d rather have that. 

There’s also the risk of interacting with people – something I haven’t actually done in about 2-3 months minus my family and Adrian. Literally, they are the only people I have seen/been around since the quarantine began in March. I haven’t gone anywhere except for a grocery trip here and there, and even that is infrequent. I’m not ready to be out in the world yet, not with numbers still jumping by a thousand, daily. And half of those cases are in Ontario. We may even be on the brink of a second wave with the way people are acting these days, and I’m not trying to get caught in that. 

I’m sure Maria will understand. I’ll tell her that I have some things to do regarding school and that I am not ready to return to work and will not be until September (or until the government money runs out). 

Which means, if all goes according to plan, I will have this entire summer off from work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s three whole months, June, July, August, the best months to be off. Omg, omg. I’m so excited. I’m putting it out there, Universe!!! And if it does manifest the way I’m visualizing it to, then I promise I will make the most of the time that I am given to the best of my abilities. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for today! I already have a new paint project idea which I’m very excited about, and I’ve recently re-read the last chapter I uploaded to my fiction story and I’m now once again enticed into continuing that. So many things!!!! AHH

We’ll see what this week shapes up to be for me. I’ve honestly never been more grateful for time, for this, for where I am in my life, for my health, for EVERYTHING. THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!! 

Love always and light to all, 


Day 137 + 138 – May 16th & 17th, 2020

Hello! It’s May long weekend, but it feels like any other day/weekend in this quarantine LOL. (Not complaining though!) Weekends still feel nice, weirdly enough. We just get to do a little bit of extra nothing on the weekends, or relax a little further than we do during the week. 

I just sat and had a really long talk with my mom. I was wandering upstairs because I was going to use the washroom but I found myself drawn to her room instead, where I found her sitting quietly by herself in bed. I immediately had this feeling that I had to sit with her and talk. I’m glad I did. 

She’s so good at disguising her pain and anguish, but not that good. After almost 28 years of being her daughter, I know her. I know where and when exactly her pain will come out and turn into temper tantrums and passive aggressive remarks. I also know that situations like these trigger her anxiety and depression. So, I wanted to make sure she was doing okay on some level. 

We talked for quite awhile, and I was right – this whole thing that happened with my dad set off a fresh bout of worry for Olivia and I regarding our education. But this time, I was able to sit and listen to her without taking it personally. I was just, there for her. I set myself aside and listened to what she had to say without feeling triggered or hurt myself. 

I know she’s worried about us, and why we haven’t graduated yet. I think she’s always worried about it, but doesn’t say. But when things like this happen with my dad, those latent thoughts become a very real spiral of anger, pain, worry, and sadness; a spiral she can’t really control and a spiral that we usually get dragged into as well. 

I felt like talking to her was almost preemptive – I knew what was coming and I hoped that I could diffuse the future tension before it began. I hope I managed to lighten her burden, somehow. I promised her that Olivia and I are doing our very best, and that one day we would be just as self-sufficient and successful as she hopes we will be. 

The sad thing is, is that she has it set in her mind that her happiness is solely dependent on us. She said that we are the only thing she has to live for, and that made me sad. I wish she saw the beauty of her own life and how much else she has to live for aside from us. It’s also a lot of pressure on Olivia and I, but I think we both know better now. 

We have to live life according to our own paths, journey, story, lessons and timing in order to guarantee and secure our own happiness on OUR terms first and foremost, and everything else will follow. Ultimately, I know that if we’re happy on our terms, she’ll find a way to be happy for us too. So, as much as I would love to get back into school and graduate ASAP because I know that’s what she wants and dreams of, I have to make sure I’m doing it on my terms and at my own pace, first.

At the end of the day, I know she doesn’t have to worry about us. But, because of the comparative and competitive nature of our culture, it’s hard for her not to think that way. Especially with so many of our close family friends around us who are graduating or entering career paths, and their parents asking about Olivia and I. It’s not easy. I don’t blame her for feeling the way that she does. 

Anyways, we ended our conversation in agreement that we have to be more strict with my dad. No more lottery tickets, no more encouragement about winnings (when he does), and no more “allowance” of weekly money until he shows more self-control. No more allowing him to get away with not taking accountability for his actions and his sickness. We can’t be enablers and just say “oh he’s sick”, every time something like this occurs. Yes, he is sick. Yes, he is an addict. But he’s not a child and he’s not helpless. He has resources and people he can reach out to. We have to stop allowing him to fall into these cycles. 

I gave her a big hug and promised her that she’s not alone in this and that she can always come and talk to me about anything that is on her mind. I also advised that she talk to our family doctor about potentially getting on anti-anxiety medication or antidepressants until she stabilizes again and is able to fall asleep normally (her anxiety/worry is causing insomnia and resultant headaches). She’s going to look into it. 

We had a really good, constructive, mature and heart-felt conversation. But man. My heart is heavy in my chest, there is a lump in my throat, and I’m pretty sure I held back tears like ten times while we were talking. 

I’m just so sad for her. I’m sad for my dad. I know it’s not my responsibility to save them. But… still. I’m sad that they have to go through this pain. Especially my mom. 

I’m so thankful that I’ve brought so much beauty into my own life by taking accountability and control of my mental and emotional health through my therapy and other means. I’m glad I know that life has so much to offer and hope/faith can carry you through anything. I just wish that my mom knew that, too. 

I’m proud of myself. I’ve ended the cycle of pain. I no longer feel threatened, triggered, or upset when she brings up her worries of how I haven’t graduated yet. I have faith in my path. I have faith in myself. Now, I know that I can just try to do my best to assuage her worries rather than take them personally or assume that she thinks I’m a failure. Now, I know that’s not the case. I have come far from the person I once was. 

Everything happens as it is meant to. Every pain we encounter, every trying time, every trial and tribulation leads to a greater strength and a greater self. I know this. I have faith in this, I’ve lived through this, I have experienced it and know it to be true. Time heals all and life is beautiful, no matter what. Sadness is just as much a part of life as happiness is, and I welcome it to pass through me as it needs to. That is my right as a human being, and only a sliver of the spectrum of how wonderful it is to experience that humanity. 

I guess that’s all for today! Somber log, hehe. Maybe I’ll paint a little, or work on my book some more. It’s still a beautiful day, the rain is coming to wash away whatever it needs to and feed the growing life of spring, and I’m here with my family and loved ones. Life will always, always be wonderful and I will always have plenty to be thankful for. 

Until next time! 

Love always, infinitely and with all of my heart, 


Day 134, 135, 136 – May 13th, 14th & 15th, 2020

Hellooooo! Okay so, super, super, super, amazing, wonderful, awesome news first: 



I’m so excited, so thrilled, so happy, and just tingling all over with elation. Holy crap. I finally did it. HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

Honestly, it’s also hugely in part to the magic of the Universe, and Elizabeth Gilbert’s book. I can’t explain it, but it’s almost as though the Universe is directly speaking to me through her book. Like, every single doubt or qualm I had about writing my book or truly embracing my creativity, she’s addressing each and every one of those one by one in her chapters. It’s uncanny. It makes my armpits prickle with nervousness and excitement. I’m not kidding. 

Like, take this excerpt for example from her chapter of “Originality vs. Authenticity”: 

“Maybe you fear that you are not original enough. Maybe that’s the problem – you’re worried that your ideas are commonplace and pedestrian, and therefore unworthy of creation. Aspiring writers will often tell me, “I have an idea, but I’m afraid it’s already been done.” Well, yes, it probably has already been done. Most things have already been done – but they have not yet been done by you.

So what if we repeat the same themes? So what if we circle around the same ideas, again and again, generation after generation? So what if every new generation feels the same urges and asks the same questions that humans have been feeling and asking for years? We’re all related, after all, so there’s going to be some repetition of creative instinct. Everything reminds us of something. But once you put your own expression and passion behind an idea, that idea becomes yours.

Just say what you want to say, then say it with all your heart. Share whatever you’re driven to share. If it’s authentic enough, believe me – it will feel original.” 

Wow. That was one of my exact fears. I was scared that the overall message of my book, which is self-love, has been done to death and that it wouldn’t seem original as a result. But she’s so absolutely right. I’m trying to be as authentic as I can in my writing, and therefore, it is me, and I am unique, therefore my story is also unique and original in itself. 

Another excerpt that resonated with me is from her chapter on “Motives”: 

“You are not required to save the world with your creativity. Your art not only doesn’t have to be original, in other words; it doesn’t have to be important. For example: whenever anybody tells me that they want to write a book in order to help other people, I always think, oh, please don’t. 

Please don’t try to help me. 

I mean, it is very kind of you to want to help people, but please don’t make it your sole creative motive, because we will feel the weight of your heavy intention, and it will put a strain upon our souls. 

Your own reasons to create are reason enough. Merely by pursuing what you love, you may inadvertently end up helping us plenty. (“There is no love which does not become help”, taught the theologian Paul Tillich.) Do whatever brings you to life, then. Follow your own fascinations, obsessions, and compulsions. Trust them. Create whatever causes a revolution in your heart. 

The rest of it will take care of itself.” 

Man, I love how honestly she writes. It’s everything I need to hear. 

I think that’s a big part of what was blocking my writing. I was so stuck on this idea that I was writing a self-help book, and it primarily had to be focused on helping people. But, she’s right. I don’t want to shove advice down people’s throats or speak to them as if I know everything – I don’t. What I want to do, above and beyond anything else, is just simply share my story. I want to ask questions that provoke reflection, but I also want to do so from a place of genuine sincerity rather than come off preachy or condescending. 

And so, I will! That’s it, that’s as simple as it gets. I’m going to use my logs because I was writing those logs for me. I was writing to save myself. And I did! So I’m hoping that my story, the words I wrote down, will help someone or have some relate to what I went through without telling people how to feel or what to think. 


Another wonderful, affirming synchronicity that just occured: I tweeted that I finished the first chapter of my book, THE book, my dream, and that I wanted to cry. A couple moments later, I noticed I had a new follower. I checked out of curiosity who it was, and… 

It’s a woman who edits and publishes books!!! Namely… SELF-HELP/SPIRITUAL BOOKS!! SUCH AS THE FOUR AGREEMENTS BY DON MIGUEL RUIZ!! And you wanna know what her business is called/what she calls herself??!?!?

“The Book Angel”. 


I don’t know if this is the outlet for me and my book, but it’s a start!! Maybe she’ll be the way for me to get my book published/marketed, who knows!!! I have every faith that whatever is meant to be, will be, and that the Universe will guide me accordingly. Just… what are the odds, you know!!?!?! It’s amazing, it’s magic, and my heart is so happy and excited. I’m so tempted to message her, but I only have my first chapter done. I think when I’ve finished my first draft and it’s been edited by those closest to me and polished, then I will see what my gut says. 



Okay, that’s it for today! I wrote my first chapter, I wrote my log, I read my book, and my brain has had its fill of love and creativity. Now, it’s Friday evening and I’m ready to unwind with Adrian, eat some pizza and maybe smoke a little bit, hehe. 

My heart is truly so grateful. I’m still a little scared – my fear is still there, lurking beneath the surface, looking at me nervously from afar while it wrings its hands and paces to and fro. But it’s okay, because this bus, the bus I’m driving now with faith and hope in tow, is headed for great and wonderful things. 

Love always and infinitely, 


Day 133 – May 12th, 2020

Hellooooo! Okay so funny little ironic thing – while I was reading through my old logs, I read about that time in 2017 when my mom caught my dad with yet another secret credit card and a gambling debt of about $5,000 dollars. And in my head, as I was reading, I remember vaguely thinking, “Wow. It’s been awhile since we’ve had one of those catastrophes. Things have settled down pretty nicely, as of late.”

L O L 

Well. So much for that! 

My mom has had one of her uncanny “hunches” for a little while now. And when my mom gets that feeling she can’t explain, about 9.9/10 times, she’s usually right. She has a very, very astute intuition when it comes to my dad and his… shenanigans, for lack of a better word. 

For the past couple years things have been pretty settled, and my mom and dad have been on good terms. They built up a bit of a friendship again, and life settled into our normal. But, for the last couple months, there were a couple red flags we noticed here and there that we didn’t follow up on. Before COVID19 really took its toll and quarantine began, my dad began looking for another job. Quite frantically, if I may add. I mused to my mom that perhaps he’d racked up yet another debt; the last time he started looking for another job was when he’d acquired the prior debt in 2017 and started working at UPS in order to pay it off. But, due to insufficient evidence, we let it slide and so did he. He didn’t bring up the idea of a second job again. 

For a little while after that, my mom tried to find his wallet whenever he happened to be in the shower, but to no avail. Every single time, he had it hidden somewhere that she couldn’t find. (Again, this was yet another red flag that we discussed at length but never probed further). We let it go, but my mom mentioned here and there to us that she had a “feeling” that something was off. 

Even more recently, my dad has been coming home with quite a bit of lottery tickets. Every so often, he’d win a couple hundred dollars and let us all know triumphantly that he’d won something. He’d share a bit with my mom, and usually use the rest towards what seemed like groceries, so I don’t think we thought much about it. I surmised that he was using the weekly allowance my mom gave him to buy lottery tickets, and I think my mom and my sister did too. 

Well, we were very, very wrong.

Today, when my dad went for his daily shower, he slipped up. He didn’t hide his wallet. My mom, on a whim, happened to go through it today… to find a new credit card. A Costco credit card, to be exact. She hurriedly ran over to me and my sister to show us her findings. 

Now, I know this is a leeeeeetle less than legal, but because we know his birthday, we were able to access the information of his latest payment, balance available and amount owing. Basic credit card stuff. 

We waited on the phone with bated breath as the automated voice accepted the information we provided. When it revealed the numbers, at first it didn’t seem so bad. $140 dollar payment last month and an available balance of three hundred something. But the balance owing? 

Close to six. thousand. dollars. 


We all recoiled in shock, my hand flying to my mouth, my mom actually taking a few steps back from where she was standing. We all took a moment to stare at each other in complete silence. I’m pretty sure my first thought was, “well… here we go again.” 

The standard drama ensued: my mom waiting patiently downstairs for my dad to finish his shower, sitting at the table with the card in front of her, us on either side. Quietly biding her time, seething. As soon as he paced into the kitchen, all hell broke loose. There was the rage-fueled yelling from my mom, the initial denial then guild-riddled defensiveness on my dad’s end, the resultant back and forth, and me chiming in an attempt to mediate so that they could have a semi-coherent “conversation”. Same old, same old. 

We got the last of the credit card details, froze the card, added the balance to my mom’s list of bills, and the payments begin again, just like always. I can’t remember a time in my life where my mom wasn’t paying off my dad’s debts. 

My mom went to go take a hot bath in an attempt to de-stress and calm down, and my dad went to go watch his daily news. She’s now sitting behind me, playing Candy Crush (probably on level 5000 knowing her), and sighing intermittently because I know she’s not actually thinking about Candy Crush. 

And so, here is the part where I know I must check-in with myself, check in with my inner child, and make sure all is well internally so that I don’t carry any of this forward with me. 

Honestly? Comparing this time to my reaction from 3 years ago? I must say, I’m very proud of myself. It just… doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m not surprised, but I’m not letting it define my expectations of hope and life, you know? At the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. My dad is sick; he’s always been sick, he probably will always be sick, and that’s just how the cookie crumbles. It’s just how the cycle goes. He doesn’t have the self-awareness or capacity to help himself, so unfortunately there isn’t much that we can do for him either. We have held his hand and led him to Gambler’s Anonymous, led him to sessions and sponsors, to CAMH and whatever other center that provides aid for matters such as these. But the relapses keep happening. 

I feel sorry for him. I pity him. I wouldn’t wish addiction on anyone. He doesn’t have any self-control whatsoever and he genuinely can’t see how spending $6000 dollars to win $20-$200 off of lottery tickets is wrong and illogical. It doesn’t compute that way for him, because his addiction has hard-wired him to chase the feeling of winning and the high that follows. At least, that’s what it seems like. I can’t tell if anything makes sense to him because he always deflects in our more serious conversations, like a child. Guilt makes him defensive and he shuts down. He knows what he’s doing is wrong… it just seems like he can’t control himself. 

I also feel sorry for my mom. Because to my mom, this is personal. To my mom, she sees these occurrences as the ultimate and intentional betrayal of trust, rather than the result of a sickness. She sees only through the lens of her pain, and I don’t blame her. After years upon years of this, it almost does seem personal. And maybe on some level, it is. Maybe on some level, my dad resents my mom for having the very thing he seems to lack – control. Nevertheless, it’s not an excuse or justification. 

This time wasn’t as bad as other times. I’ve seen and been through worse, we all have. Maybe that’s why the reaction wasn’t as catastrophic (in comparison to what we’ve endured before). But still. 

I know my mom is going to find ways to release what is surely going to be pent-up anger and sadness. Usually, Olivia and I are her punching bags. She begins to nitpick on the fact that we haven’t graduated yet and how we probably won’t before “she dies”. It’s her way of expressing her deep fear, anger and sadness of her lack of control, even though it’s a lack of control over us (when really it’s her lack of control in her situation with my dad. Ergo, the transference and resultant projecting. Hello, Psych 1010). 

So, I’m readying up for that reaction by reminding myself, here and now, to be patient with her, not to fight back, not to take anything she says personally, because I know with utter clarity where it’s coming from. It’s the cycle, it’s always been the Cycle of Pain: dad gambles/drinks -> does something stupid/costly -> mom rages, cries, reacts -> stews in this anger, her latent depression gets triggered again -> starts lashing out at Olivia and I because her sadness/anger has nowhere to go. 

In the past, the next arrows of that cycle would have been -> Olivia and I embody what she says, take it personally, fight back -> we end up sad and angry about our own self-perceived failures and end up resenting both our parents. 

There you have it, the Cycle of Pain. Generational pain. 

But. These past three years of my life have unburdened me from taking on this Generational Pain. I now know that it is no longer my responsibility to save anyone, and I now know that my family’s well-being should not be entangled with and does not equate to my own well-being. I am responsible for that alone. My parent’s pain will no longer be my pain. I am happy with where I am in this life, and I am proud of myself. By doing my inner-work, through years of therapy with Nadia, I have mentally, emotionally and spiritually cut the cord of discord in my relationship with my family. I love them all dearly, each and every one of them, but their chaos is not my chaos anymore. I can help so far as I am meant to help and whatever is in my means to do so, but no further than that. 

I had to break from the cycle of pain, and I hope that Olivia is doing the same for herself. I hope she is dealing with this on her own terms and not embodying the discord within our family. I asked her how she’s doing, but it was the same standard answer of “I’m fine”. What I am happy about though, is that she has Trevor to confide in now. I hope she does, if she needs to. She knows that I’m here for her if anything as well. 

It just is what it is. I’m sad for my mom and dad, for the pain that they experience individually and together. I really am. I hope one day, they each know peace of some kind within this lifetime. I really do. 

I guess that’s about it for today. I’m proud of myself. I think the me of 2017 would be super proud of me today, 2020. We’ve come far together. All the work she did and I did truly paid off. 

On a lighter note – I woke up today and went for a run! I’m trying my best to adopt that “just do it” mind frame and I’m finding that I’m not meeting much resistance in myself, which is great! We’re going to go for another run tomorrow morning, which is great. Just, got to do it. No thoughts about it, no overthinking it. Just, do it. 

I also ordered sushi for all of us for dinner, which was a nice little treat. Man, the craving was real. It felt so good to satisfy that craving. 

That’s all for tonight! I’m going to do a nice hot oil hair treatment and unwind with a glass of wine after this evening we all just went through, LOL. Honestly, thank goodness I get to spend time at Adrian’s. Who would have thought that his place would become a safe haven. *points in Paul Rudd* not me! (LMAO kidding, his place has always felt so wonderfully welcome and warm to me, another home). 

Until tomorrow! 

Love, strength, hope and faith always, 


Day 129 to 132 – May 8th to 11th, 2020

Hello, hello! It’s been a wonderful yet chilly weekend, but here we are with a brand new Monday and it’s time to get down to business. It’s time to get to writing my book! HUZZAAAHHHH 

But, before I do that, I’ll do a nice little catch up log with myself because I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve done that. 

So, how have things been!? 

Well, we’re heading into mid-May now – as per usual, time does not stop for anyone and continues to barrel onwards at what seems like a very fast pace. I’m still home, still “quarantining” (-ish), but I’m happy that it’s almost been two months and my family and loved ones are still remaining safe and sound despite the fact that we do see each other frequently. 

I’ve been great – I’ve settled into a sort-of routine now, where I spend a certain amount of time at Adrian’s, then he stays here, then I stay home and he goes home so we have some time apart, and then he comes to get me and the routine begins again. I like it – I’ve become really used to waking up beside him and having him close by, but I also enjoy the one or two days where we do our own separate things. 

It’s so hard to turn off the perspective in my brain where I know I’m typing for an audience as opposed to writing for just me. As I read the words I write, I think, “how does this read for others?” as opposed to just actually writing whatever comes into my head. I think of my metaphors, my alliterations, the style and nature of my writing and if it flows. While I believe that this will come in handy for when I’m writing my book (as I do love the stylization of writing as an art and a form of expression), I don’t think it’s necessary when it comes to my writing as a form of checking in with myself and maintaining a connection with myself and my self-awareness. 

But this is good. You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of when I’m meditating, and I’m trying to focus on meditating and on my breath as opposed to my thoughts and where they lead me emotionally. Writing to myself should be like focusing on my breath – it should flow easily and without effort, and every time I find myself drawn to writing for an audience as opposed to for myself, I should draw myself back to honesty, authenticity, and flow. To writing for myself before writing for anyone else. 

I like that! It’s a good way to put things into perspective. 

My ADHD has been a little bit bad lately – it’s been hard to focus. Even now, writing this log, I’m only a couple paragraphs in but I’ve already stopped like ten times because of being distracted. I think this week, I’m going to try to get back on my ADHD medication. I know it’s a higher dose, but I have to try. And then, I’m going to try and get in touch with my doctor to see if she can replenish my prescription. 

This week, I’m looking forward to working on my book and bringing it to life. I have my deadline of June 1st, and I really want to have something done by then. I most definitely will. I promised myself that. I also have my petition stuff out and ready to be looked at – amidst all of this, that’s something I have to pull together as well. I’m realizing, now more than ever, that everything really does happen for a reason. 

You know what I’ve been thinking? My job, despite being a coordinator and not just a demonstrator, will probably be put on hold indefinitely until September, maybe December latest. I’m essentially out of work for the rest of this entire year, potentially. Which means, I have every opportunity to stay on EI, and actually go back to school full-time. I’ve been given this super rare chance to actually put work on the back burner for the first time in years, because money is coming to me regardless. That means, I can go to school AND make/save money. 

When will I ever get a chance like this again? When will things ever fall into alignment like this for me once things return to “normal”? I have to, HAVE TO, capitalize on this! I know that even if my job is offered to me once more, Anna would understand and respect my decision to go back to school. We have a very strong team, and plenty of people to take my place. There are many people who can take up my hours, and I know she’d let me return on a reduced capacity if need be. 

The world has made it so that I can’t travel this year anyways. Life is so ironic, it really is. Now that I don’t have work and I don’t have travel, I can channel that love and passion into my book, into school. If I don’t see this time in my life for what it is and walk willingly into this pathway that’s been laid out for me… all I know is, I can feel what my gut is prompting me towards and I’m ready to listen. 

Either way, I still have plenty of time. Even though the mere thought of life returning to “normal” makes my stomach churn and my heart flip in anxiety, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have the power to make my life exactly what I know I want it to be. No matter what, this time in my life has helped me to put things into perspective. I’ve never been more thankful for a pause like this. Despite all the fear and chaos in the air outside and whatever is going on with the government and the world, I’ll always be grateful for this time in my life when I look back on it, I know it. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for that. Anything else regarding le me? 

Okay so, the three cups of coffee I had kicked in and I went on a massive cleaning spree in the house LMAO. I feel good now. Everything is clean, clear and sparkling! I actually kind of understand where my mom is coming from (shock!) about having a clean house – it just feels nice to come home to it, and do what you want to do amidst it. 

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I can get back to writing this. 

Anything else I need to get off my mind or catch up about?

Ah yes – some vague stray thoughts. As I have been reading through my old logs from 2017, it’s like hearing the voice of a really close old friend whom I love dearly. I loved watching her on her journey, reading about her realizations, seeing what she went through and everything she learnt along the way. It’s heart-warming, it made me laugh, and even though it made me cringe at times, I still loved every bit of it. That’s what I want to capture in my book – I want to tell a story, while at the same time emphasizing how important self-love is. I also want to engage my reader by adding in some exercises at the end of every chapter; this interactive element really helped me a lot when I was reading Christine Arlyo’s books “Me Before We” and “Madly in Love With Me”. 

I’m so excited to revisit that chapter/time in my life through writing my book. I’m sure I’ll re-learn plenty. 

The more I visualize it in my head, the more I can see exactly how I’d like the book to be. I can see the vision of it getting clearer and clearer by the day. I read this tweet recently that resonated with me so much, regarding this: “There are a lot of writers watching right now who are holding onto stuff because they don’t know how people will accept it… and it doesn’t matter. You have to get it out. You’re just holding onto something that really doesn’t belong to you anymore.” 

I love, love that quote. As much as this book is mine, it’s also a story that belongs to others now too. And that’s exactly what it feels like now. It feels like, I have to get it out. It’s begging me to come to life. It’s been asking me for years. 

I’m excited. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to hold it in my hands. I can’t wait to see it with my eyes, the way I’ve been visualizing it in my mind’s eye for so long. 

I guess that’s it for today! I don’t know if it’s all the coffee I drank or just the energy of this book coursing through my veins (probably both but more so the coffee than anything else LOL), but I feel super energized and I’m practically bouncing in my seat, I’m so excited. My heart is happy. LETS DO THISSSSSSS AHHHHHHH 

Life is good. I have that… magic feeling again. Like something amazing is about to happen. That good, anticipatory, tingling feeling. I love it, and I’ve missed it. 

Until my next log! 

Love, light, hope & faith always, 


Day 127 + 128 – May 6th & 7th, 2020

I just finished reading through the rest of my logs from 2017, and I’m smiling to myself now as I write this. 3 years ago, I embarked on a journey towards self-love and it changed and transformed my life completely. I discovered that magic exists in this life, I learnt more than I could have ever dreamed possible, and shaped myself into the woman I am today – a woman who is still learning. 

I don’t have any book to write because it is already written. It has BEEN written, and it’s been waiting there for me all this time. It just needs to be organized. I could have it done within weeks if I genuinely wanted to… and you know what? I AM going to. 

On June 1st of this year, I will have a first tentative draft of my book written. 

I’m holding myself accountable to this. I know I wrote about this recently. If I don’t hold myself accountable (out of self-love), nothing will ever get done. And I really want this to get done. 

What do I need to get a book published? I’d need an editor (or a couple I suppose), and a publisher. Do publishers take care of publicity/awareness or would I be responsible for that? So much to consider and I can’t believe I’m typing these words because this has been a dream of mine for so long that I don’t think I ever actually stopped to consider that this could be a reality if I did my due diligence, which I’m intending to do now. 


Reading the confidence of my words, the peace, the awe, the wonder and happiness, reminds me of how far I’ve come. Reminds me how important it is for me to tell my story, in the hopes that maybe someone can relate. Reminds me that writing has always been my passion, my go-to. Writing is my art as well as my way of perceiving and understanding this world.I was given this love of writing for a reason. 

I have to believe in myself so hard that I give my dreams the wings they need to fly. I need to let faith be the wind beneath them. (I cannot get anymore cheesy than this, can I? LMAO). Seriously though – I’m seeing that more and more as these days continue. Magic is real and the Universe will always find a way to relay to you the messages you’re meant to hear. The ideas you’re meant to bring to life. 

You can do this, me. You can do this. You can bring this book to life the way you’ve been hoping to for so long. You can get it out there. You can have it on the shelves of Indigo the way you’ve always visualized; on the table, right there alongside the rest of “Heather’s Picks”. 

Have faith have faith have faith. Then, just do it. 

It’s time. I’m excited. I’m nervous, and I’m frightened, but I’m excited and I’m ready. At the end of the day, that’s what’s going to matter most. And if it’s meant to be the way that I know and hope in the deepest recesses of my soul, then the Universe will guide me along this pathway and conspire with me to bring this to life. 

I guess that’s all for today! It’s late in the afternoon now and Adrian will be finishing work soon, and I’m looking forward to cuddles and Chinese food, not necessarily in that order LOL. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with this person, my favourite wonderful loving caring supportive person. Le sigh. 

Love always and endlessly, 


Day 126 – May 5th, 2020

Bonjour tout le monde! 

It’s another chilly-ish May day, but the sun is shining out there so it’s all good. I’m hoping that despite the chill in the air, everything will continue to bloom beautifully as we continue on into this month. I’m sure that in a week or two, things will begin to warm up. 

So, I was doing some thinking. I re-read the introduction of my book, and the tone in which I wrote it still resonates with me. It makes me feel good. It feels authentic, and sincere. And then I realized something. 

I wrote in my introduction about how I chose to help myself, out of self-love, however small and soft it was before my journey began. And I’m realizing that I have to do the same thing for myself, now. I have to force myself to do some things that maybe I’m resisting, but I know it is for my greater good. One way or another, my life must continue on. I have to “just do it” in many aspects of my life, or else I will become stagnant once more. 

That means actually getting my petition done and handed in. I have to stop beating around the bush with this one – I think school will be good for me. Luna is 33-34 and she’s gone back to school and she’s doing amazing!!! I’m only 27 – it’s not too late for me to pursue this avenue and make something of it. I can’t stay in the retail industry my whole life! Even if I am doing admin work and payroll stuff now – this just isn’t where I belong. I’m proud of myself for taking a sales position and turning it into a coordinator role where I have more responsibility. I’ve proven to myself that I can excel wherever I end up. But it’s time to do that in a greater capacity now. 

I think it’ll be good for me to go back to school. I’ve always liked it. And now is the perfect opportunity to do so. I’m not working, and I probably won’t be for a while. Come September, maybe I’ll be able to go back full-time and get things done for real. I can step back from my position and go back to being a regular demo with less hours, and stay on EI if necessary. This may be the perfect timing for me. But if I don’t take advantage of it now… nothing will ever get done. Nothing will happen for me. I have to make things happen for me, for me. I have to. 

I have to take a full day, no distractions whatsoever, and lay everything out on the table (both literally and figuratively). I need to see what’s done, what needs to be done, and start putting what I can together. I have my agenda now and I have all the time I could ever need. This is what I have to do, this is what is meant for me. Everything, and I mean everything, happens for a reason. How many months have I been saying I need time to get this petition done?!?! I’ve had almost 2 full months of quarantine and I’m not upset with how I’ve spent that time because I am healthy and creatively thriving. But, I also owe it to myself to get ready for when real life resumes, because it will and I want to be ready for that too. 

As much as I’m enjoying this time, I have to be realistic too. Life WILL go on, with or without me. And I want to be in the right place when it’s time, you know? Vacations don’t last forever. 

It feels like everything is clicking into place again. I’m going with my gut and when I step back, I can see how every small decision I make, every little occurrence that I encounter, is all leading up to something bigger and greater and ultimately meant for me. I can feel it. I know that when I said that 2020 was going to be a big year, there was a reason for that (pandemic aside). 

It’s time to find my real balance. A balance between enjoying my crafts and leisure time, but also using my free time for practical things that I know I need to do. I owe it to myself to do so. It’s time to stop being vague about me and my future. It’s time to stop running from reality. I’m better than that. I’m not a teenager anymore. I have to be responsible for myself, out of love. I have to be. 

So next week on Monday when I know I’m set to be home, I’ll designate that full day to doing what I have to do, regarding my petition. In the meanwhile, I really want to try to work on my book regardless of where I am. 

I have all my book notes with me in my bag anyways, so there we go. Plan is in motion! I can write my logs, write my book, and then paint for a couple hours as a way to unwind after. 

I guess that’s all for today really. I have some stuff I’d like to do before Adrian comes by to pick me up today. I have to paint a clear coat over my nails, do the colour oops hair treatment (I’m trying to get the last of the green out my hair, it’s about time), replace the bedding in Will’s cage, and pack accordingly for the next couple days. 

Until tomorrow’s log!

Love always,


Day 123, 124, 125 – May 2nd to 4th, 2020

Helloooooo! Another Monday, another beginning of the week! However today, I am feeling particularly lazy and I don’t feel like doing much. Nevertheless, I’m forcing myself (out of love), to do this log so that I have a little bit of productivity to my day and therefore can spend the rest of the evening doing whatever I want (or nothing at all), guilt-free. 

This past weekend was really nice – we had a BBQ on Sunday because the weather went up to 20 degrees! It felt so nice to feel the warmth on my skin, just like I knew it would. Now, the weather will be a bit chilly for a little while to come, but that’s okay because it’s May and warmer weather is imminent. 

So, some of my coworkers have gone back to work, which was a bit of a shock. Because I don’t work for the company though, I don’t have to go back (thank God). They’re mostly doing stock work for inventory and also online order fulfillment, I believe. But it made me think about that dreaded moment of when everything will begin to open up again. 

I’m not ready to go back to real life!!! I’ve been enjoying this free time so much. I’ve been enjoying my free time, my painting, going back to reading, having my days to myself and being free to do whatever I please whenever. WAAAAAAAAA- 

I know, I’m being a big 27-year-old baby. But man. This has been so wonderful. Not having to worry about anything aside from, “what should I do next?” in the present moment of my day-to-day. Le sigh. 

I have to find a way to be able to prioritize my self and my time when I do go back to work. I don’t want to let this go; my creative side is flourishing and thriving and it makes me happy. I’m happy to be doing all these things that I’m passionate about. It makes my soul feel complete. 

I really do have to take advantage of this time. Get everything out of the way that I can, while I can. That means my petition. That means finally getting it organized and handing it in. 

Here’s my thing though. I know for a fact that this life works best when you’re relentlessly and passionately pursuing the things that make you happy. I would love my psych degree, but I want it on my own terms. I want it if I can have it because I want it – not because I need it. I don’t want it to be a means to an end, or the only reason I can get a career. In fact, I’m not even sure I want one of those either. 

I want a fantastic life. Of travelling, living, loving, writing. Am I dedicated enough to that dream? Do I have the courage to set everything aside to pursue that relentlessly? I don’t know. And if that’s my answer, then the real answer is no. Not right now. Not yet, anyways. But I know what makes me happy. Effortlessly, effervescently happy. 

I don’t know what I’m waiting for. A sign, a stroke of inspiration, a lightning bolt of motivation. 

I’ll know when I know I guess. It’s happened before that way, and I have faith that when it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Whatever “it”, is. 

Anyways, that’s about it for today! I do have a list of things I’d like to get done today, so I’m going to attempt to do some of that. Until tomorrow!

Love always, 


Nope, I lied. I’m back. I just had one of those moments that I was looking for. 

You know the one thing I didn’t add to my list of things that I want to do that I know I should have? My book. MY BOOK. The one I’ve been meaning to write for YEARS.

I’m going to be hella honest with myself right now. You wanna know why I haven’t been trying? BECAUSE I’M SCARED. 

I’m terrified, somewhere deep down. I’m paralyzed by it. I’m scared that this is an idea that’s already been done, and done better, and done enough. I’m scared that it won’t reach the people that it’s meant to. I’m scared that it won’t make it the way I’m hoping in my heart it will. I’m scared to make it my baby, only to have it all fall apart. So I just let the idea be, even though it keeps knocking at my door at every possible opportunity. 

Every book I’ve read recently, including the one I’m currently reading, is telling me exactly what I need to hear. Shonda Rhimes says that dreams are for sleeping – success is for the people who do. And she’s right. She made her life what it was, not by dreaming it, but by working towards it with every ounce of her strength, dedication and perseverance. She lived and breathed her work. She laid her stories down, track by track by track until her mind hummed and everything else fell away. She created a universe within herself, and now she literally has a world of her own called “Shondaland”. If that’s not inspiring, I don’t know what is. 

And now, Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert is taking me by the hand, however begrudging I may be, and she is showing me the truth. That, ideas float around us constantly. They give us signs, synchronicities, and so much more in an attempt to bring themselves to life through us. They are not our masters, but our collaborators. They know that we have the tools to bring them into existence. Only… if you wait long enough, if you hesitate, if you hem and haw and say “I don’t know” and doubt yourself… the idea will float away, and it WILL come to life through someone else. 

There are many, many people on this earth. There are also many ideas. Chances are, the same ideas you’re sitting on, mulling about, are the same ones that people are working their asses off on bringing to life. The idea for that business you have, or that project or, in my case, my book. I am unique, yes, as is my story. But that doesn’t mean that that idea is all my own right now. There could be someone out there who’s mulling over the same idea. 

I can’t stew over this anyone. I can’t keep making the same excuses; “I need quiet”, “I need inspiration”, “I need to be away from my family”, “I want to work in a coffee shop”, BLAH BLAH BLAH. The truth is, I just need to do it. I need to DO IT. I need to sit down, and set aside an amount of time every day that I’m given, stop doubting myself, and JUST. DO. IT. Nike was obviously on to something here.

I can let fear come with me on this journey because I understand that the fear only means that this is something that is important to me. But, I can’t let it drive this bus anymore or else we’ll never get anywhere. It’s time to as fear to kindly take a step back, and let me and my creativity steer the way now. 

Every single synchronicity I have been given, from the pens to the people to the stories, every book I’ve come across that has found me – all of those things keep telling me the same thing. WRITE YOUR BOOK! WRITE AND DON’T STOP WRITING!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?!

The Universe is here to help me with this. It will guide me. I will put my faith in it, as I always do. But now, it’s also time to have some faith in me. To have faith in my story, and in my message, and know, somewhere, somehow, it’ll reach who it is meant to. I have to believe in myself. That is probably one of the greatest acts of self-love I could ever do, for me. I have to believe.

I bolded that part because I’m tired of having this same stroke of inspiration, only to have fear take over the wheel of the bus again, quietly. I love every part of myself, including my fear and anxiety. But that doesn’t mean that I have to let them take control of my life. My creativity knows the way. I know the way. I can do this. 

That’s all I wanted to add today. Now, I’m just going to rest and relax. Tomorrow… I start again. All that matters is every chance that we’re given to begin anew. And I intend to. I WILL. 

Love, faith, hope and belief always, 


Day 122 – May 1st, 2020


I honestly cannot believe that it’s the first of May. March and April just doesn’t feel like they “existed” – ever since March, these past couple months have just felt like one long month. Time has passed by so fast despite being at home and taking things one day at a time. Is that a thing? Does being present make time feel like it’s going by that much quicker? I wonder. 

Well, it’s a new month! Which means new opportunities, new chances to grow, new things to learn and new ways to challenge myself! I’m looking forward to it all. I’m also looking forward to being able to have my tea/coffee outside on our patio in the quiet moments of the morning as the sun gains warmth. Ahh. I can already feel the heat of it on my skin, warming me to my core. 

You know, despite what’s going on, in my heart of hearts I’m hoping that they’ll implement proper physical distancing guidelines throughout the summer and open up beaches or parks. I’m sure people by now will have learnt to be safer and more conscientious, no? Maybe I’m being naive. I just can’t imagine a summer without being able to take a random day trip to Wasaga, or heading out to a park as the sun is setting and casting that golden summery light on everything. 

Worst case scenario, if things don’t open for this summer, we always have the cottage to escape to. My mom is planning on asking Elizabeth if we can go up more frequently this summer, and I don’t see why she’d say no. We always leave it in the most pristine condition, and I know Elizabeth appreciates all the ways my mom takes care of the cottage too. So we’ll see! I have a good feeling that I’ll be seeing plenty more of the cottage as time goes on these next couple months. 

And even then, it’s more than enough that we’ll be getting warm weather! We’ll find a way to make summer feel like summer even if parks and beaches don’t open up. There’s always BBQ’s at home, the patio at my house, and walks to be had, even if it’s just around the neighbourhood. We’ll see what’s meant to be! 

Weekends always feel like the start of another week to me now. I think it’s because I spent most of the week with Adrian, and then head home for the weekend to spend time with my family. Either way, I’m excited to head back home and hang out with everyone. Maybe I haven’t gone completely crazy yet because of the fact that I get to balance seeing my family with being at Adrian’s, LMAO. Gives me a chance to actually miss my family and miss being home. 

Anyways, I think I shall get back to my painting after this! Yesterday, it took me like 3 hours to paint a couple fishes but the end result made me so happy :’). I love painting, I love little details, and I love how it makes my brain go nice and quiet. It honestly feels like true meditation to me. 

Le sigh. Life is good. It’s amazing, and I couldn’t be happier. Thank you, thank you Universe. 

I guess that’s about it for today! I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to write this weekend as things usually get pretty busy when we’re over at my place, but if not, I most definitely will come next week. Until next time!

Love always and with all I am,