Day 123, 124, 125 – May 2nd to 4th, 2020

Helloooooo! Another Monday, another beginning of the week! However today, I am feeling particularly lazy and I don’t feel like doing much. Nevertheless, I’m forcing myself (out of love), to do this log so that I have a little bit of productivity to my day and therefore can spend the rest of the evening doing whatever I want (or nothing at all), guilt-free. 

This past weekend was really nice – we had a BBQ on Sunday because the weather went up to 20 degrees! It felt so nice to feel the warmth on my skin, just like I knew it would. Now, the weather will be a bit chilly for a little while to come, but that’s okay because it’s May and warmer weather is imminent. 

So, some of my coworkers have gone back to work, which was a bit of a shock. Because I don’t work for the company though, I don’t have to go back (thank God). They’re mostly doing stock work for inventory and also online order fulfillment, I believe. But it made me think about that dreaded moment of when everything will begin to open up again. 

I’m not ready to go back to real life!!! I’ve been enjoying this free time so much. I’ve been enjoying my free time, my painting, going back to reading, having my days to myself and being free to do whatever I please whenever. WAAAAAAAAA- 

I know, I’m being a big 27-year-old baby. But man. This has been so wonderful. Not having to worry about anything aside from, “what should I do next?” in the present moment of my day-to-day. Le sigh. 

I have to find a way to be able to prioritize my self and my time when I do go back to work. I don’t want to let this go; my creative side is flourishing and thriving and it makes me happy. I’m happy to be doing all these things that I’m passionate about. It makes my soul feel complete. 

I really do have to take advantage of this time. Get everything out of the way that I can, while I can. That means my petition. That means finally getting it organized and handing it in. 

Here’s my thing though. I know for a fact that this life works best when you’re relentlessly and passionately pursuing the things that make you happy. I would love my psych degree, but I want it on my own terms. I want it if I can have it because I want it – not because I need it. I don’t want it to be a means to an end, or the only reason I can get a career. In fact, I’m not even sure I want one of those either. 

I want a fantastic life. Of travelling, living, loving, writing. Am I dedicated enough to that dream? Do I have the courage to set everything aside to pursue that relentlessly? I don’t know. And if that’s my answer, then the real answer is no. Not right now. Not yet, anyways. But I know what makes me happy. Effortlessly, effervescently happy. 

I don’t know what I’m waiting for. A sign, a stroke of inspiration, a lightning bolt of motivation. 

I’ll know when I know I guess. It’s happened before that way, and I have faith that when it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Whatever “it”, is. 

Anyways, that’s about it for today! I do have a list of things I’d like to get done today, so I’m going to attempt to do some of that. Until tomorrow!

Love always, 

Me. 

Nope, I lied. I’m back. I just had one of those moments that I was looking for. 

You know the one thing I didn’t add to my list of things that I want to do that I know I should have? My book. MY BOOK. The one I’ve been meaning to write for YEARS.

I’m going to be hella honest with myself right now. You wanna know why I haven’t been trying? BECAUSE I’M SCARED. 

I’m terrified, somewhere deep down. I’m paralyzed by it. I’m scared that this is an idea that’s already been done, and done better, and done enough. I’m scared that it won’t reach the people that it’s meant to. I’m scared that it won’t make it the way I’m hoping in my heart it will. I’m scared to make it my baby, only to have it all fall apart. So I just let the idea be, even though it keeps knocking at my door at every possible opportunity. 

Every book I’ve read recently, including the one I’m currently reading, is telling me exactly what I need to hear. Shonda Rhimes says that dreams are for sleeping – success is for the people who do. And she’s right. She made her life what it was, not by dreaming it, but by working towards it with every ounce of her strength, dedication and perseverance. She lived and breathed her work. She laid her stories down, track by track by track until her mind hummed and everything else fell away. She created a universe within herself, and now she literally has a world of her own called “Shondaland”. If that’s not inspiring, I don’t know what is. 

And now, Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert is taking me by the hand, however begrudging I may be, and she is showing me the truth. That, ideas float around us constantly. They give us signs, synchronicities, and so much more in an attempt to bring themselves to life through us. They are not our masters, but our collaborators. They know that we have the tools to bring them into existence. Only… if you wait long enough, if you hesitate, if you hem and haw and say “I don’t know” and doubt yourself… the idea will float away, and it WILL come to life through someone else. 

There are many, many people on this earth. There are also many ideas. Chances are, the same ideas you’re sitting on, mulling about, are the same ones that people are working their asses off on bringing to life. The idea for that business you have, or that project or, in my case, my book. I am unique, yes, as is my story. But that doesn’t mean that that idea is all my own right now. There could be someone out there who’s mulling over the same idea. 

I can’t stew over this anyone. I can’t keep making the same excuses; “I need quiet”, “I need inspiration”, “I need to be away from my family”, “I want to work in a coffee shop”, BLAH BLAH BLAH. The truth is, I just need to do it. I need to DO IT. I need to sit down, and set aside an amount of time every day that I’m given, stop doubting myself, and JUST. DO. IT. Nike was obviously on to something here.

I can let fear come with me on this journey because I understand that the fear only means that this is something that is important to me. But, I can’t let it drive this bus anymore or else we’ll never get anywhere. It’s time to as fear to kindly take a step back, and let me and my creativity steer the way now. 

Every single synchronicity I have been given, from the pens to the people to the stories, every book I’ve come across that has found me – all of those things keep telling me the same thing. WRITE YOUR BOOK! WRITE AND DON’T STOP WRITING!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?!

The Universe is here to help me with this. It will guide me. I will put my faith in it, as I always do. But now, it’s also time to have some faith in me. To have faith in my story, and in my message, and know, somewhere, somehow, it’ll reach who it is meant to. I have to believe in myself. That is probably one of the greatest acts of self-love I could ever do, for me. I have to believe.

I bolded that part because I’m tired of having this same stroke of inspiration, only to have fear take over the wheel of the bus again, quietly. I love every part of myself, including my fear and anxiety. But that doesn’t mean that I have to let them take control of my life. My creativity knows the way. I know the way. I can do this. 

That’s all I wanted to add today. Now, I’m just going to rest and relax. Tomorrow… I start again. All that matters is every chance that we’re given to begin anew. And I intend to. I WILL. 

Love, faith, hope and belief always, 

Me.

Day 122 – May 1st, 2020

GOOD MORNING ITS MAY!!! LOL. 

I honestly cannot believe that it’s the first of May. March and April just doesn’t feel like they “existed” – ever since March, these past couple months have just felt like one long month. Time has passed by so fast despite being at home and taking things one day at a time. Is that a thing? Does being present make time feel like it’s going by that much quicker? I wonder. 

Well, it’s a new month! Which means new opportunities, new chances to grow, new things to learn and new ways to challenge myself! I’m looking forward to it all. I’m also looking forward to being able to have my tea/coffee outside on our patio in the quiet moments of the morning as the sun gains warmth. Ahh. I can already feel the heat of it on my skin, warming me to my core. 

You know, despite what’s going on, in my heart of hearts I’m hoping that they’ll implement proper physical distancing guidelines throughout the summer and open up beaches or parks. I’m sure people by now will have learnt to be safer and more conscientious, no? Maybe I’m being naive. I just can’t imagine a summer without being able to take a random day trip to Wasaga, or heading out to a park as the sun is setting and casting that golden summery light on everything. 

Worst case scenario, if things don’t open for this summer, we always have the cottage to escape to. My mom is planning on asking Elizabeth if we can go up more frequently this summer, and I don’t see why she’d say no. We always leave it in the most pristine condition, and I know Elizabeth appreciates all the ways my mom takes care of the cottage too. So we’ll see! I have a good feeling that I’ll be seeing plenty more of the cottage as time goes on these next couple months. 

And even then, it’s more than enough that we’ll be getting warm weather! We’ll find a way to make summer feel like summer even if parks and beaches don’t open up. There’s always BBQ’s at home, the patio at my house, and walks to be had, even if it’s just around the neighbourhood. We’ll see what’s meant to be! 

Weekends always feel like the start of another week to me now. I think it’s because I spent most of the week with Adrian, and then head home for the weekend to spend time with my family. Either way, I’m excited to head back home and hang out with everyone. Maybe I haven’t gone completely crazy yet because of the fact that I get to balance seeing my family with being at Adrian’s, LMAO. Gives me a chance to actually miss my family and miss being home. 

Anyways, I think I shall get back to my painting after this! Yesterday, it took me like 3 hours to paint a couple fishes but the end result made me so happy :’). I love painting, I love little details, and I love how it makes my brain go nice and quiet. It honestly feels like true meditation to me. 

Le sigh. Life is good. It’s amazing, and I couldn’t be happier. Thank you, thank you Universe. 

I guess that’s about it for today! I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to write this weekend as things usually get pretty busy when we’re over at my place, but if not, I most definitely will come next week. Until next time!

Love always and with all I am,

Me.