Day 334 – November 30th, 2017

Hello, hello. Okay so technically it’s very late, (or super early) right now but I didn’t want to sleep without typing a little log because I know tomorrow is going to be insanely busy, and I won’t get a chance.

I had an amazingly good day today – I had my exam, I had a session with Nadia that was really eye-opening, and then I had a great work shift.

During my session with Nadia, I was able to talk about my family, Dylan, and I also learnt more about myself and why I’m attracted to the types of guys I’m attracted to (namely, younger guys).

It was a super fascinating session which I would love to talk about in depth, but I’m also hella exhausted and should probably hit the hay. So, I shall save it for the next time I am free, which will probably be… either sometime in between work and school tomorrow, or on one of my breaks on Saturday maybe, since I’ll be working a double shift.

Until then!

Love always,

Me.

Day 333 – November 29th, 2017

I never really got to finish off that log yesterday, but I think it happened exactly as it was meant to because the time in between yesterday and today has allowed me to step back from the situation a little bit.

Namely, the first thing I thought was: “holy shit, I need to get my head out of my ass.”

LMFAO.

I have this urgent need to be in states of definitiveness at all times in an attempt to control my reality. Such as “I’m done – no more feelings for this person.” Or, “I’m leaving it to the universe”.

But I never really quite let go, do I?

I read through some of my old logs from October until I caught up to the most recent logs in an attempt to understand the course of events that has led me to this point.

To keep things simple: he asked me to hang out multiple times, it didn’t happen, my ego got bruised and I consequently got defensive and wanted to cut and run.

I can hear my inner wisdom piping up in my head, so I’m just going to let her speak:

Inner wisdom: Alright, me. So you’re saying you want to let go. That you’re done. If that’s the case, then be done. Commit to it! You don’t need the unnecessary personal drama and “oh poor me” narrative that your ego brings about to this whole situation.

Not everyone’s going to like you, accept it. And I’m not saying this harshly or in any other way than with some gentle tough love. You say you can’t allow yourself to dwell right? So then, don’t.

Me @ me: okay, that’s fair. I know you’re right. But what if he does ask me to hang out again, for real?

Inner Wisdom: THEN HE DOES!!!! Why overcomplicate things into anything more than what they are? Why do you need to always seek the meaning behind every action or inaction? Why can’t things just be exactly as they are?!

Me @ me: *nods thoughtfully* true, you make a good point. If he asks me to hang out, then it’s just that. I don’t need to attach anything more to it than that. No hopes, expectations, thoughts, feelings. I can hear myself saying that I struggle a lot with my feelings but ultimately I’m the one who’s creating that struggle by trying to resist what is by turning it into something that it’s not.

Inner Wisdom: EXACTLY. You resist the Now. You resist the reality of things by taking them deeply into your mind, attaching feelings and thoughts to it, and turning it into something it’s not in an attempt to understand it all in a way that relates back to you. But ultimately, that just overcomplicates things further rather than simplifying them.

Me @ me: Jeez, you make a good point. Alright, what do you think I should do?

Inner Wisdom: That’s the thing – you don’t have to do anything. Just be. Let go, if that’s what you want for yourself. If you don’t want those feelings, the hopes and expectations to drive you nuts, then simply don’t have them. Let go.

Me @ me: You make it sound so easy.

Inner Wisdom: That’s because it CAN be that easy, if you just allow it to be. Do you see what I mean? Stop resisting. Stop seeing things through the eyes of your ego, of your “me” mentality. Not everything that happens is happening to you – sometimes, it’s just happening.

Me @ me: How exactly do I remove myself from the situation though? How do I stop seeing things through my ego, and relating everything back to it?

Inner Wisdom: You’re in the way of yourself. When you see things happening, choose not to project unnecessary feelings or thoughts towards those things – simply see them for what they are, and do not react. Be conscious of your self – the minute you feel yourself reacting, stamp out the small flame of thought before it turns into a raging inferno of emotion that burns down everything in its path. Be aware, at all times.

Me @ me: Okay, this has all been super helpful. Another thing, I’ve got to confess to you: I’m a little embarrassed.

Inner Wisdom: Why’s that?

Me @ me: For all I’ve learnt this year, for all the awareness I’ve been preaching and all the amazing books I’ve read, I’m still getting caught up in my thoughts and feelings to this point. I read that last log and I want to cringe at how… self-pitying it almost sounds, if that makes sense. Things aren’t as bad as I was making it out to be, and I know that. I was choosing to focus on the “oh poor me” of it all, and because of that focus, I gave strength to those feelings.

Inner Wisdom: Why feel embarrassed though? Why do that to yourself? Why not, instead, extend yourself a little compassion and say: “it’s okay, me. You’re only human. You’re still learning. It’s okay to feel hurt.” You’re allowed to experience things; no matter what you’ve learnt or how many books you’ve read, you don’t know it all. And never, ever believe that you do or else you’ll never continue to learn, you know? You’re not perfect, and there is beauty in that imperfection. And another thing – you’re also aware that you give power to what you choose to focus on. So why not focus on you? Not the “ego” you, I mean the you behind all of this – the awareness, the mindfulness, the striving for consistent happiness. Give power to that you, and you will never get lost in those thoughts and feelings again because you will be able to see with clarity what is.

Me @ me: …Okay, even I’m starting to freak myself out a little. This is all so great though! It’s good stuff.

Inner Wisdom: You’ll always have this intrinsic knowledge within you. Whenever you get lost in life, lost in the thoughts and emotions of it all, keep the faith that you will find your way back to the light. It’ll always be a part of you, now that you’ve accessed it. It’s just a matter of continuing to connect with that light, continuing to feed it.

Remember – it will never be as big a deal as your ego-mind is making it out to be. The moment that you feel like something is a “big deal” – stop. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself if it’s really as complicated as you’re making it out to be. Chances are, it’s not. And then when you realize that, ask yourself why your ego-mind made things that complicated. Were you trying to protect yourself from something? From pain, maybe? Were you trying to control and manipulate your reality into a narrative that doesn’t really exist in an attempt to rationalize or understand something?

Accept that you cannot control everything, and you will find yourself in a beautiful, still, unshakeable sense of freedom.

Me @ me: I’m scared that when I go back to work and see him consistently, I’m going to fall back into losing myself in my thoughts and feelings.

Inner Wisdom: I know you are afraid. Especially with the way things unfolded this past weekend and this week. But look at you now. You’ve processed in your own way; you did the whole “ego-mind” personal narrative, realized something was inherently wrong with that reaction, and turned to yourself for answers. Time and time again, you strive to connect with yourself, you seek answers within you. No matter what happens, you find your way back to the awareness. One day, you won’t ever have to “find your way back” – it’ll just be your natural state. But, until you get there, these are the ways in which you have to learn your lessons. So, don’t be afraid. You’re so much more capable than even you know. The limitations you have are the ones that your ego-mind sets for yourself. It doesn’t want you to be free of it, because the more you continue to find the awareness, the more it dies every single time.

You’re going to be okay. Everything’s going to be fine. Nothing is ever more than what it actually is. Accept the now, live in the now, and don’t dwell on the past or what’s to be.

Me @ me: Thanks, Inner Wisdom. I’m so glad that I can talk to myself like this. I mean, I know it probably seems kind of crazy…

Inner Wisdom: oh you’re definitely crazy. But, in all the best ways.

Me @ me: *beams happily* Why thank you.

Lord Almighty I feel so much better.

I knew something felt wrong with the way I was reacting in my last log. It was too… Well, I know what it was. I can see it for what it was, now.

But it had to happen, and I’m sure it helped in its own way.

I had to go through that in order to get to where I am now, which goes for all matters in life, right?

Anyways, I’m going to start getting ready for work now! But before I go;

I had the first of my final exams yesterday and… it was actually really easy! I’m happy. I like exams. Weird, eh? I get super pumped for them.

Once this week is over, all I’ll have is work to focus on. I can’t wait to start using the rest of the time I’ll have when I’m not working to continue to connect with myself, work out, meditate, hang out with friends, you name it. The last month of this year is going to be a good one.

Love always,

Me.

Day 332 – November 28th, 2017

Hello, hello.

I’ve never watched Star Wars, but I know that the character Yoda speaks kind of funny, right? Okay so in this case, if he were to comment on my current predicament, he’d be like: “a turn for the worse, things have taken.” Get it?

It’s currently early Tuesday morning. I’ve got an exam coming up today that I should be studying for. But honestly, I couldn’t sleep well last night. Actually, even IN my sleep, I couldn’t sleep! My dreams were so vivid that they were keeping me up WHILE I was sleeping, if that’s possible.

So yesterday during my shift at work, the universe finally gave me more signs as to why I really do need to let go of my feelings for Dylan. And you know, maybe not. Maybe it’s all in my head. But it doesn’t feel that way.

Why did I see his message pop up on Caroline’s phone in that exact moment during the summer, when he was asking her out on a “doggy date”? What were the chances that Dianne of all people, saw him on a date with an older looking blonde girl? And then what are the odds that Dianne told Luna, of all people, who is extremely close to me?

And then yesterday, when he was introducing himself to the new demo, what are the chances that the demo only recognized Dylan because he’d seen him with a girl? This was purely contextual, I don’t know why or how or in what circumstances they were seen together because Dylan ended up leaving the conversation to drink water.

But then after that? As much as I’m trying to separate myself from my ego and its personal narrative, I must admit this one was a little bruising.

Earlier on about half way through our shifts, he had ended up going back to his podium even though he didn’t really have to. But he’s friends with the super pretty girl from the nearby Clinique counter which was right next to his podium, and I noticed that he spent the hours up there mostly talking to her. Which is cool, I know he’s a super friendly and outgoing guy, and I’m sure staying behind in our department was boring as hell. (Including talking to me, my bruised little ego is interjecting, LOL).

Eventually, I went upstairs to get my lunch because my shift was drawing to a close, and I used the escalator that led right to his podium to come back down so that I could maybe say bye.

One of the other Clinique girls that I’m friends with came over to speak with me for a moment once I got to the bottom of the escalator, so we hovered there for a moment while I waited for Dylan to notice I was there. I guess originally, I was mostly expecting to keep walking either way but since I had a reason to stop, I figured I’d wait a bit.

From the corner of my eye, I noticed him glance over our way. But before I could turn my attention towards him, he’d already turned back to the pretty Clinique girl, who was pretty much hiding behind his podium right next to him in order to talk to him.

And there was the wake-up call that I needed.

I walked off, promptly gathered my stuff even though I still had half an hour of my shift to go, and asked Maria if I could leave early to go home and study. She was totally fine with it, so I left without saying goodbye. There was no way I was going to go back to the podium in an attempt to get his attention to say bye because it was clearly being happily consumed by someone else.

Even as I type this, I’m laughing at myself. I’m pretty sure I sound nuts. Amazing how defensive we get when our egos get bruised, eh?

But moving past my ego to look at the greater picture of all this.

I know Dylan is a good guy. Despite my idealizing, he’s got great qualities and I can’t deny that. He’s a fiercely caring friend, compassionate, out-going, humorous, adventurous and overall, pretty mature for his age. Everything I said to him in that text I sent him in the summer, I meant all of that.

And for a brief moment during the summer, when we were lying on that dock looking up in the stars, everything felt… right. It felt real. When he told me that that moment made everything they’d gone through worth it, my heart was happy. I wouldn’t have chosen any other person to share that moment with, right down to swimming beneath the stars in the quiet, night-covered lake.

But everything since then has gone to show that this person, as great as he is… I just don’t think was meant for me. At least, not in any other capacity than as just a friend.

He said that we should get to know one another more and I completely agreed. I wanted the feelings I had to him to have a proper foundation, a reason. I wanted to know the deeper things, about the partially healed scars, hidden wounds, the dreams, the fears, the flaws, you name it. But after hanging out twice, the attempts to hang out stopped. The suggestions were there, but no follow through. And intent without follow through is pretty much just a hollow promise, a balloon full of air.

I think him asking me to hang out once he got back to work was solely a means of maintaining the idea of me as an option, I really do. That, or a courtesy suggestion. But it was that vague, far-off suggestion once again, just like the other three times he’d asked.

But ultimately, where words fail to paint a picture, actions speak the loudest: asking Susan to hang out, going out with the blonde girl, choosing to stand at podium for hours (which he despises) to talk to the pretty girl at Clinique. When a guy wants something, they’ll do what they can to attain it. They’ll make things happen. They’ll go out of their way to maintain it.

When it comes down to it, when we look at those choices and actions and compare them to his actions (or lack thereof) towards me, here’s what I see: I wasn’t even worth the effort to get to know. And even if he’s completely and totally unaware of his actions or inaction, this is the conclusion I’ve drawn from the time that has passed and what I’ve seen. This is the way I’ve come to feel, even if it wasn’t his intention.

Nadia was right after all – he just wasn’t that into me. Despite all the mixed signals, the half-hearted suggestions to hang out, the confusion. If you can’t figure a guy out through what he’s saying (or not saying), then simply take a look at what he’s doing. And if it’s nothing, well then. There’s the answer.

I talked to Luna about it a little, and she made some good points: firstly, I spent way too much time trying to prove myself, my worth and quality, to this person. I opened up, confided in him about my family – not just because it was in the hopes that he in turn would eventually let me in too, but also because I genuinely thought we were friends. But that ended up backfiring on me either way, because he never did let me in. I don’t think he ever would have. I honestly did want him to get to know me, and because of that eagerness, he knew so much about me and I knew so very little about him.

Luna also told me to radiate an inner confidence that will have the right guy finding me, not the other way around. When it comes to the right person, I won’t have to prove myself or go out of my way for anything – they’ll just know.

And so, the lesson I was meant to learn through this situation has revealed itself: I still have ways to go, and so much more to learn.

Dylan gave me The Alchemist at a time in my life that I needed it most, to help me see the power of the universe and manifesting your destiny. He showed me that good guys do exist. And one year ago during this time in my life, the way he looked at me made me realize that I wanted more from my relationships. But, I think that’s about all he was meant to do for me, at this moment.

I hope that maybe I taught him something too. That he’s rare himself, to not settle. I hope that whatever books I recommended revealed another layer of his self to him, I hope one day those lessons he learned can be applied to his real life situations. I hope that our mutual love of travel (instilled in us through Mary) will inspire him to adventure around the world fearlessly so that he can truly see it for what it is, because I intend to do the same.

And, I hope that I can still stay friends with him somehow. That I can separate my feelings of attraction, let them go, whilst still maintain the fondness for our once-budding friendship. I definitely still want to be his friend, but I simply can’t be just another “option” anymore, I won’t allow it for myself. By letting go of these feelings, I’ll be making the choice for him (and for myself) by removing myself as one of his options.

It’s going to be an interesting challenge for the next five weeks, letting go of my feelings while still trying to be friendly with him. I don’t quite know how to go about this conundrum but I’m sure I’ll figure it out as time goes on.

I’m not sorry for the way things unfolded, and I don’t regret telling him how I felt. This was such a huge lesson for me, and I’m so grateful.

But I’m done. It’s time to let go, for real this time. And, for good.

Luna asked me what I would do if he ended up asking me to hang out again (which I doubted would happen, but she’s sure it will). And honestly, I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t right now, maybe not for a while until these feelings pass. And then if we ever did hang out, I would somehow have to make it clear that it’d only be as friends and nothing more.

Olivia suggested writing an open letter to him (one that I’d never send him) with all the things I wish I could tell him, in order to process my feelings and gain a sense of closure, to assist in letting go. So, I think I’ll do that.

I know in reality this situation would never happen. Realistically what’s going to happen is this: we’re going to work together for the next 5 weeks. We’ll talk here and there, but things are going to get super busy as the Christmas rush comes pouring in, and those moments to talk will become less and less frequent. The thought of hanging out will fly out the window as the hours become longer, the shifts more tiring. I’ll be focused more on selling and addressing customers, and less on contemplating over our conversations and shared moments. And eventually, once January rolls around, we’ll once again not see each other for some time to come. And then the real healing will begin, with a new start, with a new intent – a work friendship, and nothing more than that. An “I’ll see you when I see you” mentality, no residual feelings, nor any resentments whatsoever.

But.

Let’s just pretend for a moment.

Let’s pretend, that for one brief moment outside of reality, he cared enough about me to ask me if I still had feelings for him.

What would I say?

“…boy, bye.”

LMFAO, I’M TOTALLY KIDDING.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, here’s what I’d really say:

“Dylan. Honestly… do you remember a while back, sometime around your competition in October, when we were texting about my family? And you said that you related to my situation, and I told you I’d love to know why one day. And you said that you’d explain, that we should hang out, and I told you to let me know when you were free when you got back from Detroit.

You never did, and that’s okay.

But, I guess I kind of took that as my cue to believe that it wasn’t ever going to happen. Mostly because twice before that, you’d mentioned hanging out and that never really happened either. So honestly, I thought that maybe that was your way of nicely letting me know that you weren’t particularly interested in hanging out. In retrospect maybe I could have made more of an effort too. And maybe I should have just been more straight up and just asked you to be honest.

When I told you how I felt in the summer, I meant every single word. Every quality about you I liked, all the reasons why I felt the way I did, that was all real. And when you said you felt we needed to get to know one another better, I completely agreed. I wanted nothing more than to know you a little deeper than just what I knew of you from having known you as long as I had (which wasn’t too long, I suppose). I wanted there to be more substance to the feelings of attraction I had towards you. But beyond those feelings, I genuinely did want to just get to know you, no expectations of anything more than that.

But as time went on and months flew by after we hung out initially, it kind of just felt like you didn’t want to continue to get to know me. And maybe that’s a one-sided feeling because I never did ask for your thoughts on the matter, but it’s still how I felt. The suggestions to hang out became vaguer, less frequent, and never ended up happening.

But then for one brief moment in October, I thought that maybe you were going to let me in after all, when you said you related and wanted me to know why.

And when that didn’t happen, here’s the impression I got: you seem guarded. Not to the point that you’re closed off, no, because you’re really quite friendly. But guarded in the sense that you don’t let just anyone in, that easily. You seem to be someone who won’t trust anyone until you feel comfortable enough to deem them trustworthy. And I’m not saying these things in any negative manner, because I’m also under the impression that you’ve been through some stuff that’s made you this guarded, so it’s fair.

I could also be totally wrong. Want to know why?

Because ultimately, I never did get to know you the way that I wanted to. So everything I’m currently assuming about you is purely based off of what I’ve seen or what I know, which truly isn’t a lot.

But I’m going off on a lot of tangents here, so let me draw this to a close.

A part of me feels like I’m making this into a huge thing in my head because I have a tendency to overthink. Maybe you were just super busy and that’s why we never ended up hanging out. Maybe you did want to get to know me, but on your own terms with your own timeframe, no rush. Maybe this, maybe that. Maybe I should have just asked and found out for sure.

Maybe you didn’t really know what you wanted in regards to this. But, I did. I wanted literally just to get to know you, the real you outside of work. Good qualities, bad qualities, hopes and dreams, fears, whatever else.

I have a ton of maybes. But all I’m really left with is the reality of the situation: a couple of vague, far-off suggestions to hang out, with no solid plans for more, and me feeling at arms-length as a result.

And so, no – I can’t keep having these feelings for you purely based off of what I know about you, because it’s impractical.

Because despite all of my maybes, the vague plans and time that passed ultimately made me feel like a “maybe”, if that makes sense. And I think I’d just rather be your friend and hopefully get to know you in that way, rather than be a “maybe”.

Just like summer, I’m sure you’re equally as taken aback now as you were then. I’m sure it was nowhere near your intention to make me feel this way. Honestly, I think I need to work on my communication skills, I tend to hold back a lot and I know that; I should have told you all of this earlier before it got to me feeling this way. But actually, this whole thing kind of taught me a lot about how far I still need to go and the things I need to learn. And I truly believe that everything happens exactly as it’s meant to so, I regret nothing.

I’ll never, ever regret feeling the way I did about you, and what I told you in the summer. I genuinely meant it all, Dylan – you’re rare too. You’re a good person. Like you said yourself, you’re out-going, brave, and compassionate. You’re funny as hell, super smart, and you’ve got a good heart.

But I can’t keep letting myself get my hopes up every time you suggest we hang out. My own expectations are quite literally driving me nuts – the logical part of me knows I shouldn’t have them, but I still do anyways because of how much good I see in you.

Anyways, despite me having to let go of these feelings, I still care deeply about you and still want to be your friend. And maybe one day, you’ll actually be okay with letting me in and letting me get to know you, as a friend. And even if we never get to that point, I’m just glad that I’ve met you and got to know you as much as I have.

You gave me your copy of the Alchemist at a time in my life I needed it most. My connection with the universe and my faith has strengthened so much because of everything I gathered from that book. You called me “rare” exactly one year ago during this time, and made me realize I wanted so much more than what my relationship at that time was giving me. You’ve shown me that good guys are still out there.

I only hope that in return, that I’ve done the same for you in some way. Inspired you to think differently, or taught you something new.

You’ll always be someone who’s close to my heart. And I know you never really relied on me as much as I may have vented and confided in you, but believe me – if there’s anything you ever need, I’ll be there for you.

Take care and I’ll see you around!

Love,

Me.”

Day 326, 327, 328, 329, 330, 331 – November 22nd to 27th, 2017

AHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVEN’T WRITTEN IN SO LONG BUT IT’S BEEN SO BUSY AHHHHH.

I think it was meant to be that I stopped when I did in the last log though. I don’t think I’m meant to write about those kinds of details in that way, at least for the moment.

Let me explain what’s been happening over the course of the past couple days as briefly as I can.

Well, Black Friday passed, and it was busy as hell. Also, the holiday party was fun. Oh and, what I didn’t get around to writing in my last log was the Dylan ended up asking me to hang out again, prompting me to lowkey get my hopes up. That meant he was still kind of interested in getting to know me, right?

Oh, universe. You always know how to throw me for a loop. (Still eternally grateful doe, I swear).

But alas. It is not all good. Because, shortly after that, I found out from Luna who found out from Dianne that Dianne happened to run into Dylan a few weeks ago… while he was on a date with a pretty blonde girl, apparently.

Now, I know he’s at perfect liberty to date or hang out with anyone he likes or whatever, I don’t particularly care about that. It’s that I let myself rationalize the ghosting by believing him to be too busy to do anything other than work. He even said he stopped training! But, he obviously had time for someone else, regardless of whether or not it was a date. So, where does that leave me?

Low on the priority list, apparently.

I was doing so, so well with the letting go. The space and time apart while he wasn’t working actually helped me to come to terms with my idealizations. And then he came back to work, and all that grounded mindset flew out the window, replaced by a strong flicker of hope. Idealistic hope.

Look, I’m sure he’s a nice guy. But, I’m also sure he’s got plenty of options and people that he’s seeing simply for the fact that he can! He’s young, smart and very good looking. He’s probably not in a place where he wants to give any of that freedom of choice up, and I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t either to be honest. It’s fun and it’s liberating to be doing your own thing, seeing whomever whenever just because you can.

And while I could be doing the exact same thing, I know me too well to know that that’s just not my scene. I’ve enjoyed my “single” life this year to the best of my abilities – I’ve travelled, I’ve taken myself out on dates, I’ve spent time with myself in order to learn more about me and grow as a person, I’ve worked hard, and I’ve even gone out on a couple dates here and there with other people.

But the seeing multiple people thing… as fun as that sounds, I’m way too much of a romantic. I can openly admit that I know I’d end up catching feelings because that’s who I am – I fall for conversations, for the exchange of ideas and learning more about people.

Ultimately, I believe that maybe I was just meant to be on my own for the entirety of this year, and that is totally okay. I love relationships, I always will. But the right one will find me when it’s meant to.

So for now, I have to go back to that healthy detachment, to keeping my expectations on the lower side when it comes to this person, while being open to a certain extent that anything can happen. And if can get to know each other as just friends, I’m totally down for that. No expectations for more.

And no saltiness or bitterness either! I found myself getting a little frustrated with the situation when I found out about him going out on a date with another girl because I was mad at myself for letting me get my hopes up. But it’s okay! I’m only human, and I’m allowed to have feelings. And I can’t be mad with me for being who I am. I’m glad, that despite everything I’ve been through in my relationships, that I can still find a way to have hope. I think that’s a beautiful thing.

Whatever is meant to happen, will happen. I have to stop resisting what is, so that I can accept what will be.

I think I want my next tattoo to be something to do with reminding me to have faith. Like, having faith in the universe even when it seems like things aren’t going according to plan. Who’s plan, right?! I know the universe has a plan, and I need to remind myself to trust the process. And it wouldn’t just be a reminder to have faith in the universe – it would also serve as a reminder to have faith in myself. When things get hard, when I slip back down the hill, I want to remember to have faith in myself. To believe in myself. To know that everything will be okay. I want to be able to choose faith over fear.

Anyways, that’s about that! As for the last couple days, they’ve been pretty uneventful. I worked a lot, I handed in an essay, and now I have a week of exams coming up. It’s Monday, by the way! The last week of November has begun, and in a few days it will draw to a close and the last month of this year will begin.

Yesterday was the holiday party! It was actually so nice to be with my work family, to sit down and have dinner altogether. There was this moment outside of time where I just stopped to observe everyone; in the midst of having a conversation or laughing, interacting with one another. There’s so much personality in our department that it make sense that people clash sometimes. But when it comes down to it, I always hope that it’s moments like the ones we experienced last night that will ultimately draw us together. Everyone may fight or argue sometimes, but if we can protect each other and be there for one another as fiercely as we argue with each other, then that’s all that’ll really matter.

Also, before I go – I wore the deep burgundy velvet dress that I intended to wear to the last holiday party. And, it had the exact intended effect that I was hoping for…

When I walked in, I ended up getting a seat that was close to Dylan. And when I took off my jacket and scarf, his reaction was perfect. He was the first to get up to hug me, and as we both sat down he was like “that dress… is amazing.”

Hehehehe.

Sigh.

Back to letting go and doing my own thing!

I’ve got a lot of studying I need to do this week, not to mention my holiday hours are starting to pick up so I’ll be working a lot this week too. But I promise that if I find a moment to write, I will.

Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 326 – November 22nd, 2017

Hello!

So, yesterday turned out to be a surprisingly good day after all.

Guess who was back to work?

If you guessed Dylan, you are… incorrect.

KIDDING, yeah he was. (why am I like this).

LOL, anyways! When I walked into work yesterday, I immediately noticed that he was near the Dior counter but instead of going to say hi, I went over to Sharon to say hi since she was heading out. (And also to give myself a moment to process that he was back, which I wasn’t expecting).

A part of me doesn’t want to do the whole detailed narrative of this shift or my day, but I have this strange propensity to write about the occurrences of my life as though it’s a story so… yeah. Why stop now, right? Not to mention it’ll give a proper context to my thoughts afterwards, as well as when I re-read these things years from now (when I’m a certified cat lady, hee hee).

He ended up leaving the department to go on break at that exact moment and hadn’t seen me, so I was given more time to settle into my shift and catch up with my other co-workers.

After a while, he came back but I was in the midst of talking to a really eccentric customer who seemed as though he didn’t want to leave. But, when Dylan noticed I was standing there and made eye contact with me, he gave me a massive smile (which immediately made my heart skip a beat).

The customer wouldn’t leave and another co-worker joined the conversation (a conversation I was trying to extricate myself from so that I could say hi to Dylan). And it was pretty cute; in my peripheral vision, I watched as Dylan approached but the co-worker was in the way and he consequently turned back around and walked away, unable to get through.

After a while, the eccentric customer left and he was finally able to come over and say hi. As he approached me, I heard Luna in the background saying, “he’s been waiting to say hi to you!” and he actually agreed as he hugged me hello.

And that was it – it didn’t take more than a few moments after that for us to get right back into our same old consistent and non-stop flow of conversation. It almost felt as though no time had passed since we’d seen each other last, was how natural it felt. At least, that’s what it felt like to me.

We caught up on the basic stuff, like school and life – his school was finally off strike and he was heading back, and I’m heading into midterms next week as it’s my last week of class.

He told me about his first shift back yesterday; within the first half hour, he already wanted to leave. Daniella ended up snapping at him quite rudely for a misunderstanding, which left him shook. He confided in me that he didn’t see her the same way anymore and spent the rest of his shift not really talking to her. Poor guy. First shift back and he already experienced the toxicity I literally just wrote about a couple logs ago.

I told him that despite the fact that we worked with plenty of adults, it seemed as though no one actually knew how to really act according to their age, which was unfortunate. And he agreed, stating that it seemed as though he and I were probably the most mature people in the department despite being some of the youngest.

After that we talked a lot about travel because I’m trying to figure out where I want to go next and he was helping me to brainstorm. He liked the fact that I don’t want to go to the same place twice; I have this thing where if I’m going to travel, I want to see as many countries as I can. As much as I would love to re-visit some of the places I’ve been to, I won’t go back without good reason.

(unfinished)

Day 323, 324, 325 – November 19th, 20th & 21st, 2017

Doozy of a log today. Where to begin, is the question.

Good stuff first – I had so, so much fun with my best friends at the basketball game, and again yesterday at the hockey game with Rose. And I’ll go into detail about these instances at the end of this log, to end on a positive note. But, I’ve got to address what happened this weekend because at this moment, it is on the fore-front of my mind and I don’t want it to be, because it’s affecting my mood.

So on Saturday, my ride to work was already kind of on a bad note – my dad was super drunk and I only realized while I was in the car with him on the highway because he wouldn’t stop talking and I could hear the slurring of his words and worse yet, smell the alcohol on his breath. But, this didn’t faze me all too much because I’m used to him pulling stupid shit like this and somehow getting away with it. (It’s sad though, in retrospect; how I’m used to my dad jeopardizing both my life and his on a regular basis because of his addiction to alcohol).

But here was the thing that got me – while I was at work, Olivia texted me to let me know that our dad had stolen her debit card… to buy alcohol.

I immediately left the floor to give her a call. She was distraught, so I talked her through while she cried. That was her hard-earned money, and she doesn’t get a lot of it. And neither of us could fathom how one could steal from their own flesh and blood. But it just further denoted that my dad was getting worse, not better, if he could rationalize an action such as that.

I spent my work shift livid, trying to hold it together and pretend I was all good. But I was pissed. Especially on Olivia’s behalf.

It was just so fucked up to comprehend. And I get it; I know people are going through a lot worse. People are dying from cancer, war, famine. I know this situation isn’t as bad as it could be and we’ve been through a lot worse – my dad breaking a table with his bare hands and punching holes into my bedroom wall after flying into a rage at my mom, my dad getting black out drunk and falling on Olivia when she was a small child and her face getting cut open on a wooden table having narrowly missed losing her eye, my dad pulling my mom out of the car by her hair after a jealous fit at a family party, all the times he got drunk and threw up, the seventy thousand dollar debt that resulted in us losing our house and having to move, the days he wouldn’t come home because he spent the whole night at the racetracks. Even while I was just conceived, before I was even born – my dad would take our grocery money from my mom’s bag and disappear for days at a time to go gamble, leaving her hungry and heart-broken.

We’ve been through some shit. This has been happening as long as I’ve been on this earth.

I definitely want to stay positive. Even now, I don’t let these events in my life dictate my life, my attitude, my positivity. It’s contributed to who I am today and is the main reason why strength has been my only option. But I can’t let these things define me. Or confine me.

But, I do have to acknowledge, if even briefly… this some fucked up shit. LOL.

Moving on though. Ultimately, the bottom line is that my dad is, and probably always will be, really sick. And as angry as I am, I have to help him. I have to help my whole family.

Back to Saturday – my mom didn’t believe that my dad took my sister’s debit card, and insisted it must have been a mistake. Even my sister began to believe that maybe it wasn’t possible since the location of that LCBO that the card was used at was so far away, and therefore improbable that my dad used it there.

I knew he did though. So I waited for the truth to reveal itself. And it did.

The next day, my dad admitted to Olivia that he did take her card and that he was so sorry, and that he would pay her back.

I understood the reason why my mom and my sister didn’t want to quite believe that he did it – it’s pretty much unfathomable that a parent could steal from their own child. My mom was appalled and disgusted.

After the basketball game, I sat down and asked my dad if he realized what he did was absolutely sick, not just wrong, but sick. I asked him how on earth he could possibly rationalize a decision like that.

Consequently, he realized that he seriously needs help and asked me to help him. So, I called the Center for Addictions and Mental Health to get a hold of his old counsellor, and also went with him to the doctor today to see if we could get a referral for one on one psychiatrist. However, we found out that that’s going to take about a couple months, so his only option really is getting back into CAMH.

I want to help my dad but because of the client-counsellor confidentiality clause, I can’t do things for him directly – he has to do it for himself. So that’s that.

How do I feel about everything? Because, everyone’s been asking me but I don’t really know what to say. I’ve been doing a lot better at expressing myself this year, but I’ll admit that I’ve been struggling a little with this. But maybe I can be a little bit more honest with myself here, since it’s just me talking to me.

Hmm.

Okay well, honestly. I know I have to help my dad, it’s my duty as a daughter and after everything my parents have done for me, I have to take on the role of an adult and be responsible for this.

But a small, selfish part of me just doesn’t want to.

I’m hurt, and angry, but the logic part of me that’s studying psychology understands why my dad is the way he is and I know he needs help, one human to another. He doesn’t intentionally mean to hurt us, I know he just can’t help himself because the demons in his head are much louder than he can ignore.

I know I shouldn’t take what he does personally. These are all the things I know. But I can’t help how I feel.

I have to let myself feel these things and acknowledge that these feelings exist, in order to process them and eventually work around them to do what I have to do. That’s what I learnt from my appointment with Nadia.

Let’s do some question and answer stuff to get to the bottom of my thoughts and feelings, so that I can move on with my day and ultimately, my week.

Q: Are you tired of being “strong”? Of always having to hold everyone together?

A: No. I’m actually grateful and so thankful that I can process these events the way that I do. I’m humbled by the fact that it’s me who has the strength to hold my family together. Even as a child, I tried my hardest to be a mediator between my parents. I understand the toll it’s taken on me, but I still wouldn’t change it for anything. What I’m tired of maybe, is how many times this has happened in my lifetime, if anything. It makes me wonder if things will always be like this – a constant cycle of steady ups and terrible downs in the form of his relapses.

Q: Are you okay?

A: A lot of people have been asking me this one, and I never quite know how to reply. Because I feel like everyone wants to hear, “Yes, I’m okay”. But you know what? No, I’m not okay with any of this. It’s an awful situation to be in. But, regardless of that, I’m still choosing to move forward and do what I can. Still choosing to remain positive, choosing to have fun with my friends and enjoy my life regardless of what my home life looks like and the kind of energy that currently resides in my home. I don’t have to be “okay” with any of it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be “okay” eventually.

Q: What are you doing to help yourself cope? You’re fixated on making sure everyone in your family is receiving the help and support and they need, but what are you doing for yourself?

A: Well. I’m expressing myself here, which is helping a lot. I have another appointment scheduled with Nadia for next Thursday that I’m now very much looking forward to. I’m still doing my best to meditate every day. I’ll admit that this whole event has thrown me off of my dedication to mindfulness, but I’m going to get back to that. I’m going to strive once more to be fully present in every moment I encounter. I’m also still living my life for me – I went to the basketball game with Leila and Avery even though a small part of me wanted to stay home. I had no motivation to leave my house, but also I didn’t want to stay in my house either, LOL. So, I’m glad that I went to the game because it got my mind off of things temporarily and I had a ton of fun with my best friends.

Q: Why do you find this so hard to talk about with other people, even the people who care about you?

A: I’ve always been this way though. I’ve definitely made some improvements this year on letting people in and asking for help when I need it. But it’s just hard to bring up or talk about sometimes. My aim is to help others, not burden people with my own energy. Not when I can take care of myself. That’s just how I feel, if that makes sense – I feel like I can handle these things on my own, and if I can, then why put my own personal struggles on the minds of the people I care about? Also, I feel that talking about these issues gives them power – by talking about them, I bring these issues to the forefront of my mind rather than just processing and letting go.

The self-care part of me is arguing now that the people who care about me in my life wouldn’t feel “burdened” by these things – rather, they’d want to be able to help. And I know that. Hence why I ask for help when I feel like I really need it. I’m not going to deny myself someone to lean on just because I feel like I can handle everything on my own, I know better than that now. I just need to remain self-aware enough to understand and accept when I need to talk/express myself openly, versus holding everything in. I won’t ever do that to myself again.

Okay, I feel a lot more clear-headed now. I was feeling pretty muddled after the doctor’s appointment because I hate doctor’s clinics and hospitals with a burning passion. I hate the energy there, you can literally feel the sickness and moroseness seeping through the doors and settling heavily into the air.

I know eventually things will work themselves out. I have faith that whatever is meant to be, will be. I just needed to process this on my own terms.

So this week, I’m looking forward to heading back to Oshawa again for another yoga and meditation session, to clear my head and my energy. And then I can’t wait to get back to work and do what I love with the people I care about. And then this weekend is the holiday work party, which shall definitely be a ton of fun! There’s plenty to look forward to.

So – the games! Omg. I loved, loved watching the basketball game!!! There was so much hype and energy. And it was interesting to watch live. Not to mention, being there with my best friends made everything so much more fun. I love sharing people’s passions with them! It was nice to see Leila and Avery in their element. And we won too! It was such a good game.

And then yesterday was the hockey game! By sheer luck, our seats got upgraded from the 300’s to the 100 section and I was in complete awe. We could see the players faces, the moments the lines would change and the players would go on and off the ice. IT WAS SO COOL! Even though we lost the game, the atmosphere was incredible – everyone would stand in unison when we scored, or when the refs made a shitty call. It was so much fun to be a part of! There’s definitely a huge love of the game that you can sense from hockey fans.

All in all, despite everything else I had a great start to my week and I hope to keep the positive momentum going. I won’t settle for anything less.

Anyways, I’ve got a work shift today! So I’m going to start getting ready for that soon. I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance!

And before I go, from me to me: I’m proud of you, and I love you. Hang in there, keep your chin up and stay positive, no matter what okay? You’ve got this. Know that everything will work itself out. Stay determined and keep your faith in the universe.

Love always,

Me.

Day 321 + 322 – November 17th & 18th, 2017

Hello, hello!

So it’s currently Saturday morning, the day of Gala at work. I’m not particularly concerned about it though because I’ll be starting work much later today, and hopefully by then the hype will have died down and it’ll be somewhat of a normal shift.

I have so many things I want to cover in this log! A lot of these things stem from the realizations that I had during my session with my counselor, Nadia. And for once, I actually have time to sit down and just write absolutely everything, which is nice. I’ll start by writing about my session in detail, and then go from there.

It was honestly amazing. We covered so much in such a short time and I hadn’t realized I had so much that I needed to and wanted to talk about, because I’ve been focusing so much on keeping busy and being focused on everything else but ME! And I brushed it off by thinking that the meditation and working out was all the self-care I needed, and while it’s been helping me a lot, I haven’t actually sat down and thought about how I’ve been feeling or the thoughts I’ve been having because of how hard I’ve been trying to separate myself from it all.

Basically, we started off by talking about my family. I caught her up about what happened with my mom, and I talked about some of the feelings of resentment I had. I asked her if the resentment made me a bad person, because logically I knew my mom was in pain, but I still felt resentful because suicide felt selfish to me, especially since Olivia and I are overall good kids who have amazing intentions.

And she explained that resentment is a feeling and I’m allowed to have feelings. There’s a difference between festering and dwelling on resentment and allowing it to cloud my judgement, versus acknowledging how I feel and learning how to work around it and reason with it.

Then that led to how I never really felt I received the recognition or praise that I unconsciously craved from my mother – I’ve done things to seek her approval but I’ve never really gotten it because the things I do aren’t really according to her expectations or her time frames, so I don’t feel fulfilled in that sense.

That led to me questioning whether this lack of appreciation made me seek validation in my relationships. During my session, I told Nadia that I don’t think that I do, because I know that my friends and my family do appreciate me. But, after my work shift last night, I realized another truth: I do seek validation from some of my relationships – namely, the ones I have with the mothers that I work with, such as Sera or Diana or Marilyn.

I have this incessant unconscious desire to both be their friend and for them to like me. It’s so strange, but now that I’m aware of it, everything makes so much sense now – like, why I was so concerned about how they perceived me and what they thought of me, and how cautious I was about the things I said to them. Why I felt anxiety after my interactions with them, and replayed the conversations and reactions in my mind after everything was said and done. I got addicted to those good feelings I got from the appreciation and love I received from them whenever they told me how great I was, or how kind and sweet, or even beautiful. It was so foreign to me that it became addictive.

The anxiety also stems from my tendency to put these people on high pedestals, rather than truly seeing them for who they are. But more on that idealization problem of mine later.

This particular topic of seeking validation led to me addressing my fears in regards to romantic relationships; I talked about how I’ve been feeling like I miss being in a relationship and how that feeling scared me, because I never want to feel like I ever need someone again, because I want to be totally self-sufficient and generate my own happiness.

But she helped me to understand that we’re humans and seeking relations with other humans is a basic intrinsic need that I shouldn’t deny myself out of fear, or be ashamed of. I originally believed that that want meant I was lacking something in myself, but it doesn’t – it just means I’m human.

Which led to talking about my attachment styles in dating and relationships.

I explained how I feel like I grew up quickly because my main priority growing up was protecting Olivia, almost raising her while my parents’ marriage, psychological health, and relationship went up in flames over and over. Nadia explained that all my childhood, I’ve been putting out fires and never really had a chance to be a kid the way I should have (which probably explains why I’m still such a kid at heart – I grew up super-fast and that kid is still there with me, my inner child).

Anyways, this leads to a certain attachment style in my relationships. But, I’m aware of it now so that I can pursue a healthier kind of partnership and she explained that I shouldn’t have to be afraid of being with someone and losing my independence or happiness. I have to accept that sometimes there will be discord in these relationships but I shouldn’t be so afraid of pain that I deny myself a relationship. Life should be lived in a healthy moderation, never in extremes.

Which led to talking about Dylan. I explained to Nadia what happened: how I told Dylan that I was attracted to him and agreed that we still needed to get to know one another further. How we went on a couple dates that to me seemed really nice and fun, with no pressure for anything more than continuing to get to know one another. How after that, he suggested time and time again that we hang out, but that that never manifested in any way. And how the last time he suggested it, he really gave me the impression that he was ready to let me in, but never ended up telling me when he was free, and I ended up not seeing him for weeks, wondering all the while what had happened.

And she immediately pointed out multiple things to me:

One: he “ghosted” (I BURST OUT LAUGHING LMAO SHE IS SO FUCKING COOL).

Two: I idealized the FUCK out of him. Like, by “focusing” on all his “amazing qualities”, I put him on a huge pedestal. Which in turn left me surprised and confused as to why he never ended up letting me know when he was free, because in my perception it seemed “unlike him”.

But ultimately, I never really DID get to know him. And ultimately, actions (or inaction) speak so much louder than words ever will. No matter how many times he said we’d hang out, or even though he said the feeling was mutual when I told him how much I enjoyed talking with him and spending time with him, or even despite the fact that he said he’s looking forward to seeing me next week when he gets back to work: the fact remains that he ghosted me.

And I wasn’t mad or hurt at all!!! Actually, Nadia and I laughed about it, she even brought up the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You”, which made us laugh even more.

I needed to hear that, straight up. Nadia said herself, it seemed as though he just wasn’t as interested as I’d hoped or perceived him to be, or that maybe he wasn’t ready and allowed that message to be conveyed to me through his lack of action.

She also pointed out that men are hunters – when they want something, like genuinely want something, they will go after it with no holds barred. If Dylan really DID want to get to know me, regardless of whether or not he was attracted to me, he would have made some kind of effort regardless of how “busy” he was (or how “busy” I perceived him to be as an excuse/rationalization for the lack of effort).

It was so clarifying to hear all of this!!! She also pointed out how she noticed how I was implicitly blaming myself for his lack of action: “maybe I was too forward”, “maybe I didn’t make enough effort myself”, etc.

But nope. He’s just not that into me and that’s totally okay!

She and I also talked about the nature of falling for someone and the initial rush of hormones and chemicals that were quite “blinding” in the initial stages of a relationship. We talked about the almost addictive nature of oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that is released frequently when one feels as though they are “falling” for someone.

I explained to her that I was finally aware of those hormones, but that I did not want to be consumed by them or let them dictate my thought habits or emotions. And she agreed – when falling for someone, it’s so important to separate yourself from the feel-good hormones and acknowledge them for that they are so that they do not consume you.

And then I asked her, how exactly does one separate from “idealizing” a person, versus acknowledging/appreciating their good qualities? And her answer was amazing:

Idealization was a combination of the “spotlight effect” (focusing ONLY solely on the good qualities of a person) as well as using those perceived “good” qualities to cast high aspirations and expectations on the person based on those “qualities”. Those high expectations, being based on one-sided information, usually ended up being the key reason why people end up disillusioned or disappointed when the person did something (or in my case, didn’t do something) that didn’t fit or match the image that’s been projected onto them as a result of the idealizations.

But on the other hand, when you appreciated someone’s good qualities, you wouldn’t FOCUS on them – you’d simply acknowledge them, whilst being aware of the person’s other qualities such as flaws. Genuine appreciation stems from accepting a person as a whole once having truly gotten to know them. Idealization stems from actively choosing to see only the “good” of a person, and using that knowledge to assume you know the person completely.

If despite the good qualities they have, you can’t accept or abide by their other qualities, then you can’t allow yourself to solely focus on the good because that’s idealization and it WILL lead to disappointment or worse, an unhealthy relationship.

So she pointed out that if this is what he was like now – ghosting, unable to straight up tell me either he’s uninterested or not ready, then what would a possible relationship be like?

But she also said be open when he comes back to work – I had no reason to pursue anything any longer because his inaction has brought us to this point. But if he does all of a sudden start to make an effort (which I doubt he will), then I deserved a valid explanation for the “ghosting”.

I can’t even begin to express how nice and freeing it was to just vent about all of this and know that I wasn’t annoying anyone or that I’m not weak or needy.

I explained that despite me keeping as busy as I possibly could, that this DID bother me. Because I had no idea what had happened. And because of my idealizations, he seemed like such a good, honest, straightforward and mature person. And maybe he is a good person! But I don’t know him as deeply as I wanted to, ultimately.

And she’s also right, that I can’t blame myself because I’m awesome. I made it known to him that I was attracted, and his lack of action inevitably made it clear that he wasn’t, and that’s okay. I would have preferred him to tell me directly, but I can’t control what people do, only how I react to these things.

Oh we also talked about how forgetful and absent minded I can be sometimes (breaking a glass plate in my own hand, forgetting my wallet at home etc.) and she noted that I need to not get lost in my thoughts when I’m performing an action of sorts, such as getting ready or preparing something etc. I have to be more mindful and cultivate that mindfulness into a habit.

Ultimately, she said that if there’s one main thing she wants me to take from the session, it’s this: to not deny, overlook, or brush off my personal needs. I need to listen to myself and ask myself what I need or want, from time to time. That is not weakness.

I felt so amazingly centered after this session, and I left the office with a light heart.

So much introspection!!! I realized so much about myself yesterday, and in turn I’m hoping that this new awareness of these thought-patterns can help me to catch myself as they happen, and ultimately eradicate them.

I will never be able to truly connect with my coworkers if I’m constantly second-guessing everything I say and saying everything I think they want to hear. And more than that, it takes away from who I am as a person. I have plenty to offer, regardless of my age. And ultimately, I shouldn’t need validation from these relationships – I genuinely like and care about these women, but they’re only human too.

I promise to myself that I will work on being as consciously aware as possible, not to second-guess myself but to catch myself when I start to, in order to stop it in its tracks.

Speaking of my coworkers – yesterday also opened my eyes to how much toxicity is in that department, and I actually left my shift with a lower vibration than I did going into it. It was mind-blowing to realize.

There’s so much negativity and chaos of energy swirling around the department – angry stares, shit-talking, misunderstanding, lack of awareness, the inability to connect. I listened to people vent yesterday in an effort to help, but the “venting” is literally shit-talking and truth-bending and I found that I simply couldn’t contribute to the conversation because I had nothing to say! I didn’t want to say anything – I didn’t want to take sides, I didn’t want to get involved, I didn’t want to know who was “right” or “wrong” because the entire situation was full of pointless and endless drama.

There’s an old part of me that’s afraid that I won’t be able to talk to anyone, now that I know I don’t want to be a part of these conversations and that these conversations make up 90% of what’s talked about on the floor. But ultimately, I have to protect my own energy and it’s a good thing that I am now aware of how much negativity is in that place. I don’t want to add to it, or be a part of it.

I want those rare moments where everyone’s energy is in a good place and we discuss topics outside of our workplace, such as travel or self-improvement or lessons that everyone has collected along the way of their own personal journeys. Those are conversations I can allow myself to be a part of, to learn from.

And another thing I’m slowly realizing – my own self-realization and introspection is going to make people uncomfortable, if they don’t have it or understand it or want it for themselves. People become defensive when they come across aspects that either challenge what they know of themselves or make them unconsciously realize what they may be lacking in themselves. If people aren’t open-minded to change, growth, or allowing themselves to see situations in a different perspective, then defensiveness and anger will always be their first reaction and go-to defence mechanism. After all, we’ve been programmed to fear what we do not know or understand, right?

I would love to have everyone I know or have met in this life have this level of clarity, this frequency of vibration, and this awareness. It’s life-changing. But, I can’t force it on anyone, I can’t teach it to those who actively choose to remain in their bubble. I have to remember that. But, like that moment at Starbucks when that girl asked me about my book, there will be people who I find or find me, that are ready and seeking this awareness. And that’s all I can really hope for.

Anyways, that’s about everything I wanted to write about today. The battle of my self continues onwards; every day I wake up with renewed energy and the desire to reclaim my mind, to become the “watcher” of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve been meditating every single day for two weeks. The moments in which my mind goes quiet are beginning to get longer. Every day I learn new ways to bring my awareness back into the present moment.

I look forward to what’s to come while being here, in this moment. There is no moment like the Now.

I’m also looking forward to these next two days, LOL. The basketball game is finally tomorrow! And the hockey game right after. I’m so, so excited! It’s about time I have some good fun and get out of my work-school routine.

I’ll write tomorrow when I find a moment!

But before I go, I must say – thank you, Universe. I am grateful. I am humble. I am blessed. I look forward to continuing to learn all I that I can, whilst conspiring with You to manifest my deepest dreams and my ultimate destiny.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 320 – November 16th, 2017

Okay, I’m on a bit of a time crunch because it’s late and I have an appointment with my counsellor early tomorrow morning that I got to wake up for. But, I simply can’t sleep without writing down the HUGE synchronicity that I experienced today, because it was astoundingly beautiful.

Before my work shift today, I decided to get some Starbucks so that I would have energy throughout the duration of my shift. When I look back at how everything played out now, it’s so amazing to see how literally every single moment happened exactly as it was meant to, in order for this moment to manifest.

Even the smallest of occurrences: as I was searching for tables to sit at, one cleared up but an older couple managed to snag it before I could. However, this left a single stool available for me to sit at, next to another girl who was on the phone.

As I settled into that stool, I overheard snippets of the girl’s conversation; she seemed to be super on edge, and she was venting to whomever was on the other side of the phone call about something or other.

I began to read my book (currently delving into “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle), and paid no more attention to her conversation.

Within a couple moments however, I felt her trying to get my attention.

I looked up from my book, as friendly as you please. And to my delight, she asked me what my book was about and how it was helping me, if it was.

I was more than happy to explain: so far, “The Power of Now” has been outlining how one should separate themselves from the incessant stream of thoughts that we tend to identify with, and that a lot of our unhappiness and discontent stems from our inability to live in the present moment.

I also recommended “The Untethered Soul” to her, because she spoke on how she felt she was in a place in her life where stress was ruling her. I mentioned how that particular book touched upon letting anger pass through you, as opposed to holding onto it, and we both laughed because she said that sounded like exactly what she needed to read.

I was so, so happy. I told her that exactly one year ago, I was in the same place that she was, seeking guidance externally in order to heal myself internally. I was more than happy to recommend those books to her, the same way that other people have recommended these books to me, and changed my life.

But this beautiful synchronicity didn’t just end here.

After a couple moments, I went back to my book and I noticed that a gentleman sat on the other side of this girl and that they began conversing. Once again, I began to tune out to read, but then I overheard the gentleman say something that immediately piqued my curiosity:

“…and I was dead for 35 minutes.”

I immediately looked up from my book once more, to listen to what this man was saying. And this was his story:

He had been playing basketball with his friends when he had a sudden and severe heart failure. His friends and teammates immediately began performing CPR on him, for approximately 15 minutes until the paramedics arrived. But it was taking so long that even his teammates got to the point where they were about to accept that he was gone, and stop trying. “He’s dead”, they even said.

Once the paramedics arrived, they began to use the electronic defibrillator on him, hoping to jumpstart his heart once again. They made sure he was still receiving oxygen to his brain (because without it, there could have been severe brain damage). After two shocks, there was still nothing. But… the paramedic gave it one last try. The gentleman’s body lifted up off of the ground at this shock, and a pulse suddenly became felt.

This man was in a coma for about two weeks, and then he finally woke up. And when he did, he did have a bit of damage to his brain; while his long-term memories were still intact, his short-term memories weren’t doing so well. For example, if he were to meet someone and talk to them for a while to tell them a story and they left the room and came back, he wouldn’t have remembered meeting OR talking to them, and would re-introduce himself and tell the same story over again.

Eventually over time, his memory improved, but he still experienced moments where he would do something and five minutes later there would be a gap in his memory because he’d forget what he’d just done.

When the conversation between the girl and this man seemed to be at a pause, I couldn’t help but lean over to ask the gentleman a question: how did his experience change his perspective on life? What was different?

The man chuckled lightly. I know it was a weighty question: what wouldn’t change when someone had a brush that deep with death!? But I had to ask.

He explained that he realized to not sweat the small stuff: to not stress over things that were not in his control.

At this point, the girl sitting in between us exasperatedly asked how this was possible, to “not stress”.

Both the gentleman and I myself had the same answer: “everything is a choice”.

We both explained to her that every reaction we have is a choice. Our perceptions are a choice. Our judgements, our decisions, all choices. The man gave an example: before his experience, he used to have a lot of “road rage”. Afterwards, he could easily sit in traffic and not be bothered whatsoever because he could actively make the choice to not react, to not stress.

When we realize that absolutely everything is a choice and that we are, in fact, in control of ourselves, then we can begin to consciously change our habits.

The girl sitting in between the gentleman and I was in awe: she commented on how it was amazing that she was sitting in between the two of us, me with my book and that gentleman with what he experienced.

I explained that there was no such thing as coincidence: the girl was obviously at a time in her life where she was seeking guidance from the universe, and that is why she sat where she sat when she did. Her intentions were manifesting. It was no coincidence the way things played out so that I’d end up sitting right beside her, with the very book I was reading, at that very moment. Same goes for that gentleman.

The gentleman introduced himself to us, his name was Lloyd. And then the girl turned to me and asked for my name which, I gave. And then I asked for hers. And when she told me, it was finally my turn to be shook.

Her name was Olivia – my sister’s name.

Olivia is at the same point in her life right now, where she is seeking external guidance in order to begin healing herself internally. She’s also turning to herself for once, in order to improve and uplift her current state of being.

I was completely in awe of this synchronicity.

I wanted to stay and keep talking to them both, but my time was up; it was time for me to head to work, so I knew my part in that moment had been completed and it was time for me to go.

WOW. Wow. I’m honestly so in awe of this universe. So completely thankful that I get to experience moments like these. Truly, we are infinite. We are boundless, limitless energy and potential.

Anyways, that’s the moment I wanted to document for today. But, I do have so, so much I need to catch up on in regards to myself; I still have to talk about the conversation with Elizabeth. I also have to talk about how Dylan and I spoke briefly, recently, about how he’s coming back to work next week, and my thoughts on that.

I’m also going to have to write about my appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. And then I have an amazing weekend coming up: the basketball game with my best friends, and then the hockey game right after.

No matter what, I have to, HAVE TO make time for these logs!!! It’s so important to stay up to date and connected with myself. Hopefully, I’ll find a quiet moment tomorrow, in between all of my obligations.

I know I should be focusing more on the beauty of my present moments, but I can’t help but be excited for all that is to come.

Anyways, off to bed I go!

Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.

Day 318 + 319 – November 14th & 15th, 2017

HELLO!!!!!!!!

I AM HIGH ON LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Okay, let me dial it back a bit. And explain.

Basically. I went over to visit my cousin Anne yesterday in Oshawa, spontaneously. And it was EXACTLY what I didn’t even know I needed!

Anne lives with this girl named Reina, and this girl… she’s WOKE. Like, fully conscious, present, aware and mindful as hell. She is exactly what I would like to become, where I want to end up and keep progressing towards. Her aura, literally simply being around her energy replenishes your own. I asked her a whole bunch of questions to gain insight on certain topics and it was absolutely amazing. It was just like talking to Sanjeev on that summer night.

There’s something so compelling about speaking to someone who has learnt how to control their mind, who is aware of everything both externally and internally.

Anyways, we woke up before sunrise this morning to do some yoga. It was my first time, and man it wasn’t easy! But I pushed through as much as I could and ended up genuinely enjoying it. It was simultaneously invigorating yet relaxing. We did the yoga as the sun rose, and it was such an incredible experience. After that, we meditated for half an hour, and after that, we did a full on intensive work-out for another hour. Safe to say, this morning was fucking kick-ass LMAO.

I felt like a straight up goddess, invincible. My body feels so, so good, and as a result so does my mind and my energy. In fact, my energy is super high right now! (Hence the all caps greeting at the start of this log LOL).

I’m so absolutely proud of myself for making the most of my time and making time for me. It’s so important to keep up and invoke these amazing new habits because I know there will be a spill-over effect that will influence and better every other aspect of my life in a beautifully positive way.

I feel so centered. I need to keep doing these things in order to stay centered. And now more than ever, I am so determined to master my thoughts and separate myself from the incessant internal dialogue of my mind. I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions. I am the consciousness behind all of that, experiencing and watching in the center of my being.

I am the stillness in between those thoughts. I am the quiet moments in meditation. I am infinite, boundless potential energy. I am of the universe and the universe is of me.

All that matters is that I keep striving upward into this knowledge until it becomes my first nature. I am fostering new habits to eradicate the old.

This experience has jump-started my desire to make the most of my time even more! I want to get back to drawing, because it was in doing the things that I loved that my mind truly went still – when I was painting my wall during the summer, I can now look back in retrospect and see how quiet my mind truly became. I have to buy incense to enhance my meditation sessions, I want to increase the amount of times and time I spend meditating per day from once a day before I sleep to half hour sessions every morning and night. I want to wake up even earlier than the time I’ve set for myself because there’s honestly so much that can be done while I’m awake – why waste even a moment more than necessary for sleep!? I want to exercise even more intensely and for longer periods and see how far I can take my body and my health and fitness.

I want to go to Oshawa to do yoga with the girls at least once a week, if I can manage. I have this feeling that yoga could truly transform my body and mind if I stick with it.

Reina told me that in order to make mindfulness my first nature, I must be mindful of every single thing that I do, and in every moment I experience. No more watching shows while I eat – I must be present through every mouthful, every chew, every swallow. No more listening to music while I do my makeup – makeup is something I love to do and I can turn even that into a form of meditation if I solely choose to be present and mindful as I do it.

Eventually, I will be able to catch myself getting lost in my thoughts so quickly that I no longer get lost in them at all. Soon, I will be in control of them, not the other way around. I will use them to better myself, to maintain my clarity. I will not allow them to keep me in the past or live in fear of the future. And I am SO EXCITED to get to this point, because I know I will.

Anyways, I just wanted to write that down real quick. Mom and Olivia are watching a rom-com in the living room and although I am buzzing with energy and I want to start drawing and I want to read and I want to continue this for as long as I can because I’ve missed writing to myself (even though it’s only been a day), I think I should spend some quality time with them because I don’t get to often.

So, until tomorrow!

Here’s to… life! The universe. The infinite possibilities that exist just beyond the reach of my fingertips… that will soon be within my grasp.

Love always,

Me.

Day 316 + 317 – November 12th & 13th, 2017

Hi, hi! Yesterday ended up being a little bit busier than I expected with work and my impromptu shopping spree, LOL. But nonetheless, missing only a day of writing is a lot better than missing four, that’s for sure.

I’m going to keep this log short and sweet because I want to shower, get ready for work, and then leave early to run a couple errands before my shift! I love that I don’t have class on Monday’s, because having class on Friday’s usually means a nice quiet campus, and I’m sure Monday’s are jam-packed too. Plus, extended weekend! Well, kind of. Working throughout the weekend kind of makes the weekdays feel like my weekend, if that makes sense.

I’m really happy for Olivia these days because she recently went through a huge breakdown that resulted in her facing some of her biggest demons, and realizing her true desire to be the person she once was, while moving forward into the person she would like to become. I’m truly hoping that this big epiphany-moment will last, will stick, will carry her forward into a lasting and consistent momentum.

I still have to address how the meeting with Elizabeth went, as well as talk about my most recent driving lesson – it actually went pretty well, overall!!!! I’m slowly getting used to driving, and moving past my fear with every lesson. Even my driving instructor commented on how I seem to be improving, LOL. I drove through downtown! Even saying that out loud to my parents, I could barely believe it myself. But I did it!

I have another lesson this Wednesday. I wonder where I’ll go next, LOL. I’m hoping that I’ll keep getting better with every lesson, and soon the fear will turn into a genuine enjoyment of driving.

Anyways, I can’t wait to get through this week because this weekend is looking to be hella fun – I’m going to the basketball game with Leila and Avery, then a hockey game with Rose the next day!!!! I can’t wait to go to my first ever sports games with the people I love. I haven’t had much of a social life this entire month so far, so it’ll be a nice break.

That’s about it for today! I worked out this morning, I’m going to meditate tonight (as I have been for the past week straight), and I’m definitely making sure that I’m taking care of and making time for me. I’m happy.

Looking forward to doing a more in depth log when I get the chance! Possibly tomorrow, I think I’ll have time.

Until then!

Love always,

Me.