Day 311 to 316 – November 7th to 12th, 2019

Oh hello! I know it’s been a couple days since I’ve written but it’s been a busy couple days at that! I’m here to write a full log though, in the short moments that I do have. Hopefully I can sit through this without getting distracted all too much.

Okay, it’s been a while since I did a full update with myself but before I do begin to pour out all of my thoughts and feelings into concrete words, I must say first – I’ve been feeling so much better! I don’t know if it’s because of the amount of vitamin D that I soaked up while I was in Mexico or the fact that I’ve been meditating more regularly again, but my anxiety has been so much more under control as of late. I haven’t had any weird crop ups of that chest-tightening feeling lately that makes me stop and have to breathe, which is wonderful. (LOL, even typing about it gives me a shadow of that old feeling, that’s how much I dislike it).

Alright! Time to talk about… well, everything at this point hehe.

October has always been my favourite month of the year and this past October was no exception. I spent half of it travelling, and the other half doing things for me. I also learned quite a bit. Where should I begin?

I’ll talk about my trip to New York first because it was nothing short of magical.

New York was… everything I hoped it’d be, and so much more. Not only did I have the perfect travel partner in Adrian, but I was able to live out all of my Gossip Girl and Lumineers dreams at every turn. I stood on the corner of Canal and Bowery, just like in “Ho Hey”. I stood in the very spot underneath the arcs in Central Park where Blair and Chuck had their iconic Bonnie and Clyde-style wedding. I even got to sit on the Met Steps, just like the girls did in the majority of the episodes.

And Adrian’s birthday gift to me was nothing short of wonderful – seeing my favourite Halloween movie Beetlejuice brought to life in a Broadway Musical was… I don’t even have the words honestly. I even teared up during the possessed dinner dance scene because I was so effing happy. I just can’t believe I got to spend my 27th birthday with the love of my life in the city that never sleeps. It was magical.

What I loved most of all was the fact that Adrian and I travel so incredibly well together. We’ve only been dating officially for almost one year (soon to be one year, in fact), and we’ve already taken two trips together. I like so much that we’ve dived in headfirst to such things because now we know, without a single doubt, how well we work and vibe together. Everything was synchronized, everything was in perfect harmony when it came to us; we’d be ready to head home at the exact same time after a long day/night, we always compromised perfectly, and we gave each other the freedom to explore on our own terms and enjoyed what the other might have stumbled onto. We’re the perfect balance of freedom and structure.

Walking through the streets of New York reminded me of the confidence I know I have in myself. Every single person who walked those sidewalks had somewhere to be, knew exactly who they were and were fully aware of the space that they occupied. It made me what to channel that exact same energy. I walked with my head held high and my shoulders thrown back. It reminded me to maintain my boundaries – not just for the sake of having them, but so that I could occupy my own space with grace and certainty.

When I came back from that New York trip, I felt energized and ready to take on the world. That’s how I know when I’ve travelled well – when the kickback of travelling home isn’t horrible or hard.

But, it was a little bit different with my Mexico trip.

Now, the reason I learned so much this month is because of the way everything unfolded with this trip. I lied to everyone I knew at work in order to be able to go on this trip, inconvenienced Maria and Sharon and put them in a very compromised position, and I allowed Daniella to catch the full flak of it all from our friends, who were very upset at us.

Eventually, I made the decision to come clean and be honest. I apologized to everyone individually, despite the intense embarrassment I felt at having put myself in that position. Ultimately, everyone was super understanding and just glad I told the truth. But it wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that.

Now, the trip was incredibly fun. I had such a laugh with Daniella, and it was nice to travel with Luna and her sister Lana after almost two years of not travelling with them. It felt like old times, we all vibed together just fine, and we actually did and saw so much. Not the mention, it warmed my heart and soul to be reunited with the ocean and the hot sun for one last time before the true cold of winter took over.

Ultimately, I don’t regret anything. I’m grateful that I got to go, and I’m thankful for the new experiences I have collected on this trip. It was so humbling to experience Halloween in a new way and to celebrate and understand the nature of “El Día De Los Muertos”.

But, I… I don’t know. The difference between travelling with Adrian and travelling with the girls was pretty palpable, I think. I didn’t have much time to myself? No, that’s not it. Because I did have time to myself, we were all very good at that.

As much as I might respect the girls, it was a lot of energy that… I’m not really used to. I don’t completely trust Luna, and Daniella can be a little volatile sometimes because she doesn’t trust anyone either. So, it’s weird that I was able to do something as intimate and confined as travel with them I suppose.

I don’t think I will again. Whatever is meant to be will be, of course – like I said, we had a lot of fun and there was tons of laughter to be had. Maybe if all the girls travel as a group and there’s less of a concentration, maybe. That would be more fun I feel, because I do like our group vibe. But I don’t know if I would be willing to confine myself to a trip like that with just them two again. It’s nothing against them personally, it’s just the energy. Like I’ve said before, I’m very picky with whom I travel with. Energy can make or break a trip, no matter where you go. I’m glad we got through it and had such a good time though, I must say. Inevitably that trip was exactly what I needed.

Anyways, that wraps up the last of my trips for this year! I can’t believe I managed to do another four trips again, just as I hoped and intended from the start of this year. I’m blessed, and I’m so thankful. Travelling twice in one month is more than I could have asked for, in fact. It reminded me of how much I love to do what I do.

So, what am I looking forward to this month?

Well, I’ve essentially finished my petition letter and I’ve picked up half of my course performance summaries so far. I just have to pick up a letter from my doctor which doubly confirms my ADHD diagnosis, the rest of my course performance summaries, and… that’s pretty much it. I can start organizing and putting everything together. I’m hoping I can get a hold of someone from YFS to look it over and confirm that its good to go so that I can finally submit it before things get crazy busy with the Christmas season in December.

I don’t know if the petition will be processed in time for me to re-enrol by January. Whatever is meant to be, will be. I’m in no rush. I’m just happy to know what I want finally, after all of this time. And I’m proud of myself for finally climbing this metaphorical mountain and going through with this whole process, for me.

It’s also going to be a busy month for me in other ways! Adrian’s birthday is next week, and we’re planning on going to Buffalo (does that count as another trip since we’re technically going back to New York? LOL). I’ve also planned to surprise him with tickets to a Raptor’s game for the actual day of his birthday! I know he knows because his friend told me he’s sort of kind of figured it out due to my inability to maintain a proper surprise (which is not a surprise in itself), but it’s okay. I know he’s super excited and I can’t wait to give him the tickets the night before his birthday.

And a week directly after his birthday is our one-year anniversary!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH

We spent this past weekend together (drive-in movie theatre on Friday, house party Saturday night and a lazy day in bed on Sunday), and we were talking about how our one-year anniversary is coming up soon. He said he can’t believe that it’s only been a year, in a good way. That it feels like we’ve been together for so much longer, have known one another for more time. And I feel the exact same way. It feels like I’ve always known him. It’s strange to think that he’s come to mean so much to me in what seems like such a short amount of time. But I guess on the flip side, it’s not so weird considering that I’m sure we were meant to meet.

I know this is going to be one year of many. Slowly but surely, I’m getting more comfortable vocalizing that I’m in this for the long haul, albeit subtly (but not so subtle either). Like for example, the day we made things official, we were in the midst of building a ginger-bread house. Only, we never exactly got to finish it because we stopped halfway through to have that conversation.

I joked that this year, we should attempt to make another gingerbread house on the day of our anniversary and actually attempt to finish it in commemoration of our one-year. And then I added that the year after that we could make a gingerbread mansion, and the year after that we could expand to a gingerbread complex, and the year after that we could make a gingerbread condominium.

I couldn’t gauge his reaction about what I was saying though! He joked back that a gingerbread condominium might be a bit ambitious, but I assured him it could be done. Ah well! At least he knows on some level that I do intend to see this through. He did joke that we should also build a gingerbread doghouse or cathouse alongside our gingerbread house though, so that seems promising! LOL.

I can’t believe that it’s only been one full year of this wonderful relationship, and that there’s plenty more to come. What will our second-year hold for us? Our fifth? Our tenth?

I’m so excited for what’s to come. I’m so thankful and grateful, every single day, that I’ve met my “one”; my perfect travel partner who is equally as adventurous as I am, a person who encourages my passions, my goals, and my dreams, someone who is open-minded to all I believe in and everything I proclaim about the Universe but also rational and logical thinking enough to keep me grounded when I lose my head in the clouds. Someone who is kind, compassionate, respectful, highly intelligent and communicative, passionate, affectionate, caring, wonderful, ridiculously sexy and confident, someone who has been consistent about who they are and all they entail since the get-go, unapologetically.

When our anniversary rolls around, I’m going to write him a letter or a note in a card about it. I’m going to talk about my relationship “house” analogy (which ties in perfectly with our gingerbread house).

I’ve always believed that a relationship is like a house in so many different ways. When it comes to building it, there is nothing more important than its foundation. Laying down the brick work such as trust, communication, honesty and openness. A house cannot be a home without a proper standing foundation. And without a proper standing foundation, a house cannot withstand the changes of time or weather what the seasons may bring.

A house can look nice from the outside, but at the end of the day no matter what everyone else might see, you’re the two people who live within it. And if the inside does not reflect what is on the outside of it, then none of it matters. What good is a pretty house if its inner walls are barren?

I’m so glad that he and I took all the time we did to lay down a strong foundation. Even now, we continue to reinforce it as we get to know one another and learn more about each other. The foundation has always been our focal point, and as a result our house has been flourishing from within.

Anyways, I’ll be writing something in that vein and I look forward to telling him how much I’ve grown to love him and our little home. It’s warm, it’s cozy, and it always feels safe to me. Being with him always makes me feel like I’m within a safe place.

Well, it’s about time that I start getting ready for work! I didn’t quite get a chance to write about myself (like me on an emotional, mental, physical level, etc.) but I will save that for my next log. It was nice to have a proper catch-up with myself though!

I’m glad I’ve started meditating again. Everything is already slowly beginning to shift into a familiarity I once knew. I even manifested something yesterday without really intending to, for the first time in a long time.

Sometime last week, my phone showed me that I apparently had an unused $25 dollar gift card in my e-wallet and I got really excited because I figured that would cover my lunch and my coffee for a shift or two. I attempted to use it one day, and it turns out it had just been a glitch and that gift card was empty. It was no bother to me though, I just bought my coffee and lunch and collected my points either way.

Lately I’ve been helping someone out with their business launch. They have an incredible idea that I believe will be extremely successful once they find their right footing, and I was more than happy to be a part of the process of refining their vision without expecting anything in return. Their passion for this project was palpable and it was easy to contribute because I felt inspired by their drive.

Except yesterday, they approached me and sincerely thanked me for all of my help… by giving me a Starbucks gift card for $30 dollars, which in turn paid for my lunch and coffee yesterday with just enough to cover today’s lunch as well.

My heart is so happy. I really didn’t expect anything in return and I was honestly just happy to help out. I know that I have to put good energy out there into the world, some way or some how. But I’m also extremely happy that by doing this, the Universe is allowing me to manifest things once more on some level.

I can’t stop meditating. I know the difference it makes when you stop and just listen to the energy of the world, and allow your heart and being to be filled with that grateful frequency. It’s such a powerful healing technique that allows you to hone in on your inner voice, your intuition, and the vibration of the universe. Big and beautiful things happen when you allow yourself to just be.

Anyways, that’s about it for today! I know I’ll be back soon.

Until then!

Love, love, love always,

Me.

Day 282 to 309 – October 9th to November 5th, 2019

Typing out day 309 is actually a little crazy to me, I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by. I turned 27, I went to New York, and I’ve just come back from Mexico so it’s been a whirlwind of an October, but definitely one of the best. I wish I could have written more though, to remember it all. But it is what it is.

I learnt a lot of lessons this month too. About honesty, about friendship. Especially because I inevitably came forward about the lie I told in order to be able to go on my Mexico trip. It got to a point where it was better to tell the truth than keep the lie going, and as hard as it was to own up to the mess I made, inevitably nothing felt better than taking full responsibility for my actions and coming clean. In fact, I felt incredibly proud of myself afterwards because it took so much courage to face everyone, and myself.

Well, here I am now. 27 years old. It’s so weird, because it hasn’t sank in yet. In 3 years, I’m going to be 30. THIRTY! How did that happen!?!?! I don’t know if it’s hard for me to think about because I don’t have a career or my degree yet, but then again there’s tons of people who are still figuring out their lives past 30 as it is. It’s just, such a strange time to be in. I keep seeing so many people I used to know back in high school getting married, having kids, and I keep thinking “huh, so young”. But, we’re not really anymore, you know? This is adulthood. This is mortgages and rent and owning a home and starting a family and being cool with it.

I’m trying really hard not to compare myself to everyone else because my path is my own. And honestly? I am happy with my path. I haven’t given up on school, I travel a lot and I’ve seen quite a bit of the world (thankfully). I like what I do at work and I do it well, and I have a steady relationship going. I can’t complain. In fact, I should be grateful.

I had a really good talk with Radha this morning and she actually gave me a little wake up call. She told me that it’s time to sit down and ask myself what I really want from life so that I can get clear on exactly what I’d like to manifest. And she’s right. I lost sight of a lot of things this year, got complacent. I stopped all my good habits and I’m slowly sinking back into autopilot mode. What’s even more torturous about this is that I know that there’s more to life, having directly experienced it myself. And I keep saying this over and over, but I keep letting time slip out of my hands without doing anything differently. I sometimes get annoyed when people constantly complain about the state of their lives or bemoan their mind frame without actually making any movements to change things. But I’m doing the exact same thing!!!!

I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth and I’m getting to that point where it’s infuriating. But it’s me! I have to start doing differently, not waiting around for something to happen! I can’t live like this anymore.

I want my mojo back. Winter is coming now, and I can’t make it through this sunless season unless I start regenerating my own inner sun that’s kept me so warm throughout these seasons, the sun that lit up my smile from within. I need it back.

I wrote some ideas down in a prior log that I’d like to reiterate to myself:

“It’s time to get back to meditating consistently every night. I’ve been thinking about it so much lately, but I always wait until the very last second when sleep is about to overtake me, and then I become too lazy to get out of bed and follow through. Which means, I need to change my sleeping habits – no more of this sleeping super late and sleeping in as a result. I’m cutting away valuable time from my day as a whole by sleeping in until 10 am.

I need to start writing more frequently. If I can’t manage an everyday basis (which shouldn’t be true now that I’m cutting down my hours at work to what I want them to be), then I should at least commit to 3-4 times a week.

These are two very key things that I need in order to monitor and understand my own mental health. Everything else will follow as a result – the better quality books, working out consistently, eating healthier and maintaining proper boundaries. I know this because I’ve experienced it directly. But in the meanwhile, one small hill a time. There’s no need to incorporate all these things at once. One thing at a time with a steady discipline.

This is a good lesson to me. Life isn’t all about quick fixes. Quick fixes usually don’t last too long. Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do, as short as it may be. There is no “one thing” we do in order to maintain the quality and happiness in our life. It’s a lifelong mission and journey. This isn’t a bad thing – in fact, it’s beautiful. We’ll always have the opportunity to choose to do differently for ourselves, at any point in the time we’re alive. It’s never too late, and you never stop learning. And that’s so, so beautiful to me.”

I’m right. I know what I need to do because I’ve done it before and it worked. It worked wonderfully, and my life was exactly what I wanted it to be. I’m not saying I’m unhappy right now. I just, don’t feel… like I know I can feel, if that makes sense. I don’t want this lost, “drifter” feeling anymore. I know this year hasn’t been bad, or particularly good either, but I just can’t experience anymore “greyness” anymore. I want vibrant, magnificent, resplendent colour in every single thing that I do and see.

I need to go back to being fearless. I’ve also noticed that I’ve let fear become an undercurrent to a lot of the decisions I’ve been making and the way I’ve been acting. I’m holding back, not being 100% honest or speaking my truth. But I know who I am. Beneath all this sudden learned behaviour, I’m… the girl who’s willing to do a running jump off a dock into a lake with no fear of the cold or what’s below. I’m the girl who’s willing to swim amidst sharks and even barracudas just to be able to see the beauty of a breath-taking coral reef. I’m the girl who’s able to come clean and be honest to the people she cares about, even if it means potentially losing them along the way. I’m the girl who has been always been able to have faith and trust the process, even when the process has been scary or difficult. That is who I am and that is who I want to continue to embody.

I am strong, courageous, beautiful inside and out, curious, adventurous, caring, compassionate, brave, fun, lively, honest, open, free and peaceful. That’s who I am. That’s what I must remind myself of. That no matter where I end up in life or what point I find myself at, this is who I am and this is who I must be, in the face of all that I may encounter. No more fear. No more.

I love the things I love, relentlessly. Travel, tattoos, reading, spirituality, deep and big conversations about life and love, learning and growing and adventuring, and so much more. Those are the things I must make time for so that my spirit and my soul will be nurtured.

So, what am I going to do?

I’m starting my meditation sessions tonight. Even if they start off at 2 minutes each of breathing or breath counting. Even if it’s listening to my own recorded voice for guided meditations. I’m going find the technique that works best for me. And I’m going to be disciplined. No more slacking off when it comes to this; I need discipline in so many aspects of my life, more than I’ve ever needed it before.

It sucks that I feel like I have to fight with myself a lot due to my attention span. But I have to try. I have to work with myself here, some how, some way.

My brain is always everywhere at once but I have to start off by doing what I can, when I can. One thing at a time. But that also includes writing like this.

Once upon a time, writing every single day was not a chore or impossible to do. In fact, it was a habit that became as effortless as popping on an episode of Gossip Girl on Netflix. Same goes for meditating. And if I know it’s possible, then why not?

I need to get out there and do stuff and be happy, right here and right now, as I am.

I can do this. I know I can because I have.

What can I do to encourage these better habits again? Setting phone reminders? Putting up physical reminders? Creating an alarm maybe, or a set time?

What if, every day at 8 pm, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, I stop to write a brief log? Even if it’s a couple sentences? That might help me to get back into the habit of writing again, every day. I need to pick a time that’s going to be realistic though, if that’s the plan. I work at 11 am mostly every day – what if I woke up earlier (for real) in order to spend a half hour to an hour just writing?

Such as 7 am. I think I could benefit by being up at 7 am every day. Especially if it’ll help me to sleep at night a little earlier. I can commit to this.

And what if I do the same thing, but at 9 PM every night for meditation? That way I get ready for bed but I’m not leaving it too late either.

Okay. I’m going to set these alarms right now.

Done!

And that’s one step closer to exactly where I know I’m meant to be.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day because I have a lot of errands to run, but I’m looking forward to it. I’m going to pick up what I can from my course performance summaries, get some sheet protectors and a file/binder to organize my petition into sections and meet with the OSAP office to talk about deferring my payments and how OSAP would work once I do get back into school.

I’m learning that I have to make better use of the time that I have, because I have plenty but the way I prioritize things makes it seem like I have none.

Well, that’s all for today I believe! Maybe tomorrow, for my first 7 am log, I’ll do a full update and talk about myself, my two trips in full, and how my birthday was. Sounds like a plan!

Love always, no matter what,

Me.