Day 273, 274, 275, 276, 277, 278 – September 30th – October 5th, 2017

Holy Jesus.

LOL. Okay. In my head, I’m already thinking about how daunting it’s going to be to write about everything I’ve experienced in the best trip I’ve ever taken in my life last week, as well as what I’ve missed in the past couple days since I’ve gotten back.

And I think that’s the reason that I’ve been holding off from writing because there’s literally so much to cover. But now that I’ve begun, it actually feels pretty good! I’ve genuinely missed this.

I don’t have to write about every single detail of my trip. Because, I was actually there in those moments, living them to the fullest, present in everything that happened to me. I can still feel the soft sand between my toes, the heat of the ocean water, the scent of salt and sun in the air. The sound of the rain at night, the breeze blowing through the palm trees. Ah. I miss it.

I’ll just go day by day of the trip, and write about the moments that stood out most to me, and just go with the flow. If I forget something, then it just means I was meant to let it go. So, no stress.

For a short trip, it feels like we did so much! And we met so many amazing people and made some incredible connections.

Actually, I’m not going to go day by day, I’m just going to write about whatever comes into my head that stands out the most, LOL.

Like – okay so, you know how we were denied a beach front room when we first got there? I know Luna was so bummed, because when we were planning this trip, she was so set and determined to get a room with a view of the beach. And I told her that the universe would hear us and we would definitely end up with one. We weren’t unhappy with the room we got though – it still had a balcony, and it was cozy.

When we were checking in though, we happened to meet a gentleman named Anthony who was very friendly. He said that I looked like a news anchor from CNN and we started joking around with him a little. He was really, really nice! And man. This connection we made goes to show how strong me and Luna’s vibes are, and how good our intuition is because…

The next day when we ran into him, he gave us two free vouchers for the breakfast buffet at Ferdinand’s, the expensive hotel restaurant! And not only that, he wanted to give us a free excursion to Stingray city that HE HIMSELF won as an award from the hotel!! Oh man. The kindness of this gentleman. We gave him two fragrances the next day, as a token of our appreciation. But his kindness didn’t end there.

The day after that, he called me in the evening, and what he said literally made me sink to the floor in shock as I tried to hold it together. He told us… that he could move us to a beach front room of our choosing. Every single one of us was in complete shock at the sheer luck we were experiencing during this trip. Actually, not luck – the manifestation of our positive energies.

We were so, so excited and so thankful. The room we chose was absolutely beautiful; we could simply open the backdoors and walk right out towards the pool, or the beach. We had the most perfect view of the ocean waves, and the sunset. It was just… amazing.

But he STILL didn’t stop there! The rest of the week, he offered us free drinks at the bar, and even left a free bottle of champagne and a plate of chocolate covered strawberries in our room on Mary’s birthday. And then at the end of our trip, he knocked a sizable sum of money off of our bill.

I’m still so in awe at the amount of kindness this one gentleman offered us throughout this week. He definitely had to be a hotel supervisor because he was able to pull all these kinds generous acts and every time we asked him if he was able to do these things with no repercussions, he’d wave his hand airily and say it as no problem.

Anthony’s kindness was definitely a huge part as to why this trip was so incredible for me. But there was so much more that also made my heart sing, that I have to address as well.

Such as our excursions. We did SOOOOO MUCH while we were there! A lot of it was just us adventuring ourselves too since we rented a car for the week, which gave us the freedom to explore the island as we pleased. We drove down to Starfish point, and hunted around for star fish! And I was the first one to see it: I can still vividly remember finding the first one and yelling at the top of my lungs in extreme happiness, because we were so sincerely hoping that we’d find at least one. But there were more! There were so many! I snorkeled around the area so that I could experience them in their natural habitat, which was so, so cool. The starfish were actually quite stiff, and their undersides looked like something out a horror movie LOL! It was such a cool experience.

But each experience after this just steadily increased in amazingness.

I have to go and get ready now, because I have class and then work after (and I’ll be seeing Dylan for the first time in a while! Gah, so excited.) I promise to myself that I’ll continue this when I get home! I have so, so much to cover and now I finally have the motivation to do so. Until then!

I’m back! I had a good day. But before I can go into that, I need to finish what I was saying from before.

Ah yes, I was talking about the incredible, life-changing excursions that we did! So the next day after Starfish point, we did our trip with Marvin’s Stingray company, which was a three-stop excursion, and hands down one of my favourite parts of the entire trip.

How can I even begin to capture how incredible it was to swim with these amazing creatures?! Especially underwater – they swam so gracefully that they looked like they were flying. And to touch them! Their skin felt silken and soft and they were so, so friendly and just, ah. I even fed one! And held one, and snuck in a little friendly kiss, hehe. Oh god, I was so in love. I wanted to swim with them forever.

We also went to a reef to snorkel and the reefs were absolutely beautiful, so much colour and sizes. And after that, we went to a place to feed hundreds of brilliantly coloured tropical fish by hand, underwater. It was such a sight to see – hundreds of jewel-coloured fishes in all kinds of shapes and sizes swimming all around me in no fear, trying to eat the piece of squid I held in my hand. Man, those little mouths packed some power!!! It was so, so much fun though.

I actually burst into tears after the stingray experience, but tears of pure happiness. That was the coolest, most adventurous thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I had to thank Mary for bringing travel and adventure into my life.

The next day, we found yet another way to adventure – we checked out the beautiful crystal caves that hooked me in the first place about these islands, and saw millions of years of stalagmites and stalactites in the making, frozen in time, embedded with millions of glittering crystals. It was astounding.

And after that, we headed out to Spott’s beach in hopes of seeing a sea turtle swimming in its natural habitat. At first, it was a little tricky getting past all the dense and dark seaweed, but once we got out there, it was exhilarating to fight against the really strong current and waves to swim out to sea. And the moment that Mary spotted one, it was like perfect synchronicity – I somehow knew to look in her direction as one was swimming right beside us!!!! Hands down one of the most heart-skipping moments of my life. It was so majestic, and massive and so, so peaceful. I was so incredibly happy and honoured to be witnessing it in its own home.

But I didn’t stop there – I was determined to see more! I ended up swimming about a mile off the shore by myself  (I can still recall feeling slightly nervous as the coral reefs began to appear, denoting that I had gone off very, very far). And there, I spotted two more sea turtles! One was swimming right alongside me to my right, and the other was feeding off the ground and I managed to sneak up just close enough to see him chewing on some seaweed (SO ADORABLE!)

There was so much more we did – stopping around the island to experience the culture, to eat the amazing food, to check out the rum (LMAO). We even went out for a night and ended up having the time of our lives because we hit it off with the DJ (who in turn offered us free Hennessey shots, UNREAL). There was so much to this trip that made it the most amazing experience of my life, for such a short time. All I really can say is, I’m truly grateful. I’m blessed. All I can think of doing right now is travelling, despite all the other obligations I have. But I know I need to be responsible and plan accordingly. The world will wait for me (I hope, as long as no mass wars break out). Either way, this year has been an incredible year for me and travel was definitely a huge aspect of it. Three different trips, all incredible and magnificent and wonderful in their own special ways.

Oh before I end off! I must talk about the incredible plane ride home packed full of synchronicities. I ended up taking Jake’s place on the plane because I didn’t want him to sit alone, but I ended up sitting next to some incredible people! I immediately hit it off with the stunning girl beside me named Julie – our vibes were exactly the same, on that higher level frequency of positivity and wisdom, and our conversations were so full of wisdom that both of us were in awe! She inspired me to be more kind and perhaps even start volunteering when I can, and I think I taught her to look at things differently too. I even sent her my entire booklist, because she felt that she needed a push in the right direction and I really think Outwitting the Devil will do that for her, which she promised to start off with.

Not only that, the very cute guy sitting in front of us turned out to be a diver’s instructor from Cayman, who ended up giving pretty much the entire back of the plane a quick lesson about the basics of diving, which led to a very intense discussion about the nature of time, and questioning everything we’re taught. All in all, I was mind-blown at the series of circumstances that led me to sit where I sat, to meet the people I did.

I know people get used to the idea of coincidence or synchronicities, but I never want to get used to them! I always, always want to be in awe of the universe and the magical, mysterious ways that it works in. I never want to lose that sense of wonder. I never want to take these moments for granted.

Anyways, that’s the overall extent of my trip! I had an absolutely incredible time, and I will always cherish it in my heart. I know one day I’ll go back, and maybe this time I can take my family.

Speaking of my family… some bad news.

It’s been a pretty long time since things have been bad. I’d almost forgotten what it was like. But when I got back from my trip, I actually got a pretty rough push back into reality.

My dad spent seven thousand dollars on lottery tickets and built up a debt for god knows how long, and my mom happened to find out while I was away.

When I came home, my mom hugged me for a really long time and I realized she was crying and I could almost literally feel her emotional pain emanating out of her. It was so sad.

Anyways, I ended up sitting down with my mom and dad to figure out what could be done for the short-term – my dad got a second job, a night job, in order to pay off that massive debt. My mom went to go see her family doctor at my urging because she was having suicidal thoughts, and he diagnosed her with depression. I’m not surprised – I think I’ve kind of known for a long time. This is just the first time in our lives it’s ever been said out loud.

My mom has been our rock, our hero, our strength, all our lives. But now I realized she’s a woman, a human being, a person who came to this country with the hopes of falling in love, starting a family, and living in happiness. And all she’s ever gotten was the complete opposite, minus Olivia and I. My heart breaks for her.

And now, I also have to keep a careful eye on Olivia – I know she doesn’t respond well to these kinds of familial situations. This week, she missed a lot of class because she opted to stay home and watch shows. I know her method of coping is escapism, but she’s going to end up hurting herself more than anything else by avoiding her thoughts and feelings.

I know she’s hurting. I know she’s upset with my dad. I know she’s resentful. But these are all normal human reactions to have.

I pity my dad. I know he’s sick. I’m trying very hard to remain neutral towards him, to not be angry or resentful. I know he’s in pain too and I know he doesn’t want to hurt us. But man. It’s so hard. I find it hard to look at him sometimes. I really wish I didn’t feel that way.

We have to get through this as a family. But right now, there’s a lot of division – my mom tells me every day that she can’t stop thinking about what he’s done, and that she hates him, and that he’s selfish. I know a part of her understands that he is ill, but the bigger part of her is just angry, so hurt, and so done. I know that that’s going to take some time.

I don’t really know what’s going to happen, long-term wise. I know my mom wants out. I don’t think she can handle another occurrence like this one anymore. She’s getting old, and time is passing by. She needs to live out the rest of her life in happiness, as she deserves.

We’ll see. For now, we just need to get past the next couple weeks with all of our sanities intact. So, one step at a time, one day at a time.

I myself have vented to a couple close, trusted people in my life because I know that as much as I need to be strong for my family, I also can’t hold everything in and act like I’m okay. And the universe heard me too, because the very next morning after the talk I had with my mom and dad, my counselor emailed me and scheduled an appointment with me for next week, which I’m very much looking forward to. I’ve missed seeing her, and I’d love to discuss all of this with her because I know she’ll help.

Anyways, that’s about it for that! We’ll see how things go.

How have things been this week? Well, I went back to school, and I got some test banks for my upcoming midterm, so that’s a relief. I definitely have some catching up to do, but I’m not worried. I’m genuinely enjoying my classes and everything I’ve been learning as of late, so that’s not a burden to me. I just need to stay on top of things, but the motivation is there still despite everything, and that makes me happy. I never, ever want to experience that lack of motivation that plagued me for years, ever again.

I started demoing! And I love it. It’s so much easier, I know I have to be a bit more assertive in sales but it’s a little bit of a rush in all honesty, to be able to make a sale when I can.

Which leads me to today!!!! It was a really good day.

I was super excited because I knew I was going to be seeing Dylan, and I hadn’t seen him in a while. Ever been so attracted to someone that you counted down the hours to the moment you knew you’d see them? Because that was me, today :$

Anyways, once I got to the department, I said hi to everyone and settled in, as per usual. And about half an hour into my shift, Dylan decided to say hi to me by creeping up behind me and scaring the living daylights out of me, LOL! So cute. I immediately turned around and gave him a huge, huge hug (while sarcastically thanking him for the scare, which made him laugh).

He was so excited to hear all about me and Luna’s travels! For a while, it was just he and I talking about it though – I told him that it was my favourite trip of all time, and I even started tearing up again while talking about the stingray experience (which he was quick to point out).

We told him lots of funny stories and interesting stories from the trip, to which he listened intently to. But once again, as per usual, he and I ended up talking just us two for a duration of the shift. Only this time, I was a little agitated because…

Some of my coworkers were starting to watch us talk, and I even heard one make a comment about singing a love song in the background.

I know I can’t control what other people do, say or think, ergo I shouldn’t stress or worry about what I can’t control. But sigh. It’s a little frustrating. I do love my department and everyone in it, but just like a tight-knit enormous family, literally everyone likes to talk and wants to be in the know about everything.

I’m not going to change how I act towards him though. I don’t have anything to hide, and despite my desire to stay lowkey as possible about this, all we’re doing is talking and that’s it. So whatever aspersions people want to cast at it, so be it. I’m not saying anything about it to anyone, and assumptions lead to people making asses out of themselves anyways, soooo. That’s that.

Anyways, we talked about other stuff too, like about his trip away with his family over the weekend, which was really nice for him since he loves nature and fishing.

At one point, he told me he’d be really interested in trying archery and shooting a crossbow, and I vaguely agreed that that would be something really cool to try, since the form that archery requires has always intrigued me. And then I brought up how I’ve always wanted to try axe-throwing too, and that I’ve been meaning to since there’s a place to do so close by. And he said he’d be down to try that with me sometime, whenever I’m free! I know I immediately lit up and was like, “really?!” and he nodded back enthusiastically. That made me happy.

And he also asked me when my birthday was, because for some reason he thought it was on the 17th (which is incidentally Eminem’s birthday, which he apparently didn’t know but seemed impressed that I did, LOL). I confirmed that it was the 18th, and it was the perfect segue into asking him if he’d be down to come to my birthday thing on the 21st.

He immediately lit up and said he was so down to come at first, which made me really happy! But then his face began to fall as he reconfirmed the date – turns out, he’s got a MMA tournament in Detroit that weekend. We both kind of looked at each other sadly for a second, and then I of course said something extremely derpy along the lines of “I’ll just pretend you’re there and… shoot at the air…” (WHY. AM. I. LIKE. THIS.) to which he responded jokingly that I’m actually lucky that he’s not going since I’d end up going home covered in bruises, because he’s a pretty good shot. I joked back that I’m a pretty good shot too, or at least I thought I was because of COD.

Well, that’s okay! It’s happened as it’s meant to, so maybe the universe has something else in store for me in regards to that.

The rest of the shift we were both sort of busy-ish, I went on break and he was talking to his mom, but I did get some moments here and there to talk to them both, which was nice. It’s been a while since all three of us worked together, me, Sera and Dylan.

I honestly love their dynamic, the way they talk to one another and joke around.

Towards the end of the shift, he told me he was leaving around the same time that I was, and I lamented that I had to leave a little early so that I could catch the bus, and him being the gentleman that he is, he immediately offered me a ride home (did I plan this? Perhaps… but I’ll never tell. xoxo, Gossip Girl.)

I ended up explaining a little about how I usually got a ride home from my dad when I worked nights but that I couldn’t anymore since my dad picked up a second job, which led to me explaining briefly why he had to take up that second job. We got interrupted though before I could continue any further though.

He mentioned to his mom that he’d be giving me a ride home, and I immediately felt bad because I knew he was tired from working a double shift today, but he wouldn’t hear it when I tried to mention this. So sweet, sigh.

It got a little busy but promptly at eight, he headed out to grab the car and I lingered behind a little to grab all of my things and say goodbye to everyone. When I got to the car, he was talking to one of the people we know from the store, and that person opened the side door for me so that I could get in, and closed it behind me LOL. Oh well! At least he’s not someone who works directly in our department.

On the way home, he started asking me more questions about my family and our current predicament, and I just vented, literally let everything out. And he kind of talked a little bit about himself too, but very vaguely, which stayed true to my theory about him – he’s very, very guarded. And he won’t just let anyone in that easily. But I’m perfectly absolutely okay with that, because that just means the day he does decide to let me in (if he does, which I hope he will), then that means I will have truly earned it. Once again, I’m in no rush. I’m just glad that he knows that I do trust him like that, enough to tell him these kinds of intricate details.

Closer to my house, I told him that Sera had told me about this one Pink Floyd song that I had to listen to, so he played it for me so that I could hear it. Only, we were already turning onto my street as I had said this, so I wouldn’t have been able to hear the main part of it. So, he slowed down to a crawl’s pace as we went down my street, just so I could listen. So cute.

Once we got to my house, I finally felt comfortable enough (for once) to not throw myself out of the car in a panic (thank god). I leaned over to give him a super warm hug, the kind that gave ME butterflies since I could feel the heat of his body against my arms. Sigh. I thanked him for the ride home and apologized for venting as much as I did, which he waved off and told me not to worry about. He said he’d see me Saturday (we’re both going to be working again), and told me to try to sleep (so sweet).

Le sigh. Still head over heels, as per usual. Only now, the patience has really and truly sunk in and now all that’s really there is this nice warm anticipation as to what’s to come, no matter what it may be. I’m excited, and I’m happy.

Anyways! That’s about it for this doozy of a catch-up log! Man, the amount of things that occurred in these past two weeks. I really, really need to keep up with my writing, at least for my own sanity’s sake.

I can’t wait to see my counselor next week! And I’m looking forward to this weekend because I actually have a couple days off so I can catch up on all my readings, notes, study for my midterm next week, and start on the assignment I have due as well. No nervousness or anxiety about any of that, which is amazing. I just need to stay on the ball about it all, and make proper use of my time management skills. That means ABSOLUTELY NO PROCRASTINATING WHATSOEVER MISSY. YOU GOT THAT!?

Yes ma’am!

Well, I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to write tomorrow, but seeing as I have class and yet another work shift right after, it doesn’t seem too likely. So if not tomorrow, then definitely Saturday after my shift! Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 270, 271 & 272 – September 27th, 28th, & 29th, 2017

Hello!!!! Oh man, I don’t even know where to begin!!!! So much has happened since we’ve got here, and it’s only been 3-4 days!!! I guess I’ll start from the beginning and work my way to now.

Okay so basically, once we got to the hotel and checked in, we tried to get a room upgrade because I know that Luna really, really wanted a room facing the pool and the beachfront, but the lady checking us in said that the hotel was full due to St. Kitts getting destroyed by Hurrican Irma, so we couldn’t do an upgrade. On the bright side though, she did let us get a room with a balcony,

Wednesday: chill day, jacuzzi drunk night

Thursday: rum point, star fish point

Friday: stingray city, snorkelling, night out, free henny

Saturday: crystal caves, swimming with sea turtles, amazing dinner, champagne and strawberries

Don’t forget: “boat”, and “you two are the prettiest girls here” Luna: “I can kind of see that” server: *dies laughing and spills all the water*

Day 268 + 269 – September 25th & 26th 

Hello!! I’m currently thousands of miles up in the air, for the third time this year. The sunlight is pouring through the airplane window to the left of me, and I am surrounded by my friends – Jake and Lana, and Luna is sitting behind us dead asleep.

I can feel a contentedness in my heart, but also that tingle of excitement at the prospect of being able to travel once again. I can’t believe it! I’ve truly been so lucky and so blessed this year, and in this life.

Yesterday was Monday, and wow it feels like it’s so far away now and yet not. I worked my last shift at my second job, and man was it ever hard.

Both my regular manager and the General Manager tried to work out some way to keep me. My regular manager even came up to me at one point to hold my hand and ask me sincerely, how much I was getting paid at my other job. He asked with the every intention to match the pay, in order to convince me to stay, but when I told him I was now up to $20/h over there, he finally admitted defeat.

I can’t even begin to explain how lovely it is to be appreciated so deeply, to be fought for. My manager and I talked for a little, and he once again sincerely thanked me for all the work I put in. He explained that I had this radiant personality, that not only enhanced the guests experiences but also the staff as well, whenever I walked in the building. I wanted to cry LOL. It was truly so, so sweet of him.

Anyways, it was a bittersweet goodbye in the end. I have to go pick up my paycheque when I get back, so hopefully I’ll get to have that talk with the GM and tell him everything I want to say.

I want to thank him as sincerely as a I can – he believed in me at a time that I wasn’t so sure of myself and my capabilities. He told me he saw so much potential in me, the capacity to break through the glass roof I had created for myself, and this summer proved to me that he was right. This job, working both jobs actually, showed me just exactly what I could achieve when I set my mind to it. This summer has made me feel invincible, unconquerable. I feel like I could literally do absolutely anything in this life and do it well. And I owe a huge part of that to him – he gave me another chance, convinced me to stay, when he easily could have let me walk away. So I would like him to know the impact that his decision and his words had on me.

Anyways, we’re beginning our descent into our stopover in Miami now!!!! Universe, thank you. Thank you for everything. I am so humbled, so grateful, so blessed and so happy for everything you have delivered to me this year. I know a part of that was me too, but still. I’m proud of myself, and I’m thankful to you.

I can’t wait to explore this new country, these islands. I can’t wait to adventure, to swim with sting rays, explore beautiful crystal caves, to watch the sunset over the ocean, to snorkel with hundreds of brilliantly coloured fish.

I love life, and I love me, and I’m so in love with every beautiful aspect that this life entails, good to bad. Here’s to living life as beautifully, adventurously and fully as possible!

I’ll write soon!

Love,

Me.

Day 261 to 266 – September 18th – 23rd, 2017

Hello, hello! Gee, I haven’t written in about a week! And it’s okay, it’s been busy. I’ve had lots of class, and today was finally my last shift at my regular job. Once I come back, I shall officially start as a demo! Yay!

I just deleted all of my coworkers off of Instagram, LOL. It’s just best this way, that no one know what’s going on in my life unless I choose to let them know. I love them all, but I have to learn how to keep my personal life personal, and my professional life separate. Those lines get easily blurred sometimes but this is a business, and I’d do well to remember that.

So, that’s that! And pretty much day after tomorrow, I’ll be leaving to the Cayman Islands! Holy crap, I can’t wait! I’m so, so excited.

I’ve been sitting here for a little while in the silence, just thinking, browsing on my phone, killing time. I’d love to talk about this week, how lovely it was to hang out with Leila, how great school was, how crazy my second driver’s lesson was, how Dylan and I were texting pretty much all week, meeting up with Bianca and Bethany and how much fun that was, but. I’m in some dire need of venting, and I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll have plenty of time to write about those things. But for now, I just need to vent.

Yesterday, Nick messaged me for a little bit, and ended up asking me if I had met anyone, out of the blue. I told him I kind of have, and I talked a little bit about Dylan. And then he talked about his new girl, the girl that he met while running, because they’ve begun seeing each other. And while the conversation was surreal, it was basic enough that it wasn’t crossing into like, weird territory. I felt fine – honestly, I didn’t feel any ways about him having met someone new, if anything I genuinely felt happy for him, and I still am! That’s all I wanted for him, for him to be happy and move on.

But today. He messaged again, and this time with a very specific scenario in which he and his new girl ran into one of her exes and it was weird for her, which in turn became weird for him, and he asked me for my input on it.

I get it. I’m probably one of his only friends who is a girl (and someone he trusts), but the thing is. I’m not just a friend who is a girl. I also used to be his girlfriend. Therein lies the problem with this situation.

It’d be fine if we were just friends, and had always been friends. But we dated. We were in love with each other, and we went our separate ways. I’m fine with our “friendship” being limited to once-in-a-while friendly catch-ups out of courtesy, purely platonic with not much detail. But this?

I don’t know. It made me feel… muddled. And not in a jealous way, not in a heart-ache way, not any of those ways, and I’m glad. I know I’ve finally moved on.

I talked with Natasha, and I figured out it’s because I was comfortable with our friendship because it signalled ending on good terms, but I don’t actually want the effort that a real friendship entails – I don’t want to talk often, I don’t want to talk in that much depth, and I don’t want to know these kinds of intricate details.

And again, being completely honest with myself, I know I don’t have feelings for him like that anymore. But I also don’t want to be like, “best friends” the way we once were either. I don’t particularly care if that’s selfish and I’m not going to let myself feel bad for feeling the way I feel – I would love to help and be there for anyone I care about in my life, I know that about me.

But I also feel like we’ve naturally drifted apart, even friendship-wise, and we’ve entered acquaintanceship and I was totally okay with that because that meant I could wish him well from afar without having him directly in my life. No hard feelings, good terms, but nothing more than that either.

I have carefully cultivated what I want my life to look like within this year. I have selected which relationships of mine that I would like to expend my energies towards, and as a result I’ve been able to improve the quality of these relationships, be it family, or friendship, or more (in regards to Dylan).

I don’t think I have the energy to go any further than that. As much as I would like to be Nick’s friend and be there for him about this, I really don’t think that I should be the person that he turns to about his new relationship. I don’t think I can be.

My gut is telling me that once he becomes more comfortable with his new relationship and starts accepting that he has real, genuine feelings for this girl, then eventually we’ll go back to our (friendly) silence, and our acquaintanceship-level of things (where we only talk like once a month and briefly, about how things are going).

I accept every single aspect of my past and the person it has molded me into today. But, I would also like to leave the past in the past because I am so in love with my present and the current state of the way my life looks right now. I’m content with myself, and I am happy with every aspect that my life entails. And, that just doesn’t include him, not anymore. And it has to stay that way.

It’s not personal, it’s not out of resentment, or coming from a place of ill-will. It’s coming from a place of acceptance and wisdom and the knowledge that I can only move forward and he no longer has a place in my life like he once did, and that’s just the way things have to be. We have to keep walking in our separate directions.

I feel better now, acknowledging my truth to myself. Eventually, the talking will die down. I appreciate him asking about Dylan, and I hope that he learns to open up to this lovely new girl of his, and let her in. She truly seems like a gem, someone who will encourage him to live his life to the fullest, to adventure and make the most of every moment, and everyone needs someone like that. I truly am happy for him and I wish them both well.

Anyways, that’s about all I wanted to vent about! I just had to make sense of my muddled feelings about this, and be honest with me. It was just a weird situation to find myself in, at first. Definitely new territory, and unchartered waters. But you know, I think I’ve been doing pretty well with the navigating, if I do say so myself!

I’ll write tomorrow in more depth about my past week, and what I’m looking forward to this upcoming week (which is my vacation, ahh!!)

Until then,

Love always,

Me.

Day 257, 258, 259, 260 – September 14th – 17th, 2017

Hello! Yikes, it’s getting a little too spaced out in between logs at this point. I think I’m getting a little too used to writing every couple days or so, because I’ve been noticing a pattern for the past like four or five logs, that they’ve covered multiple days. But you know, like I’ve said before in one of my prior logs from August, that I’m no longer as attached to writing every day as I once was, so I suppose that it’s okay. As long as I’m making sure to remain in tune with myself, that my mind isn’t becoming back-logged with too many thoughts, then that’s all that matters. Also, as long as I’m remembering the important things, the growth-inducing lessons and happiness-filled memories, then that’s all that matters too.

So, what have I missed this Thursday, Friday and Saturday that I need to make note of?

Well, now that I’ve named the days, it actually makes so much sense as to why I haven’t written lately. Thursday and Friday were definitely two of the busiest days I had in the week – I went straight from school to work, and man. There were two massive work events both days, and by Friday? I was actually quite mentally exhausted. Not to mention, I was wearing my contact lenses so much (my days have become elongated what with returning to school full-time), that one of my eyes turned dangerously bright red, and there was a massive vein crossing the white of my eyes that led directly into my pupil.

The last time something like that happened to me, it was because I had been sleeping with my contact lenses on, and an eye doctor explained to me that the longer I wore my contacts, the less oxygen that my pupils were receiving. Hence why the red veins were growing across my eyes – it was my body’s way of getting oxygen through to my pupils, through the blood vessels.

And then yesterday, I developed a super sharp pain on the lower left side of my abdomen, similar to when I had that weird kidney pain that had me end up in the hospital. Basically, I know these things were my body’s way of warning me: “Listen you. Glad you’re back at it, and working hard. But DO NOT forget to take care of yourself! Something has to give. So take your pick.”

And my body is right. Something has to go. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I am bidding adieu to my second job (at least for the time being). I have a shift tomorrow, and so I’m going to tell my manager that I regretfully have to take a brief hiatus from working while I settle into school.

If my hours get cut in January for demoing, at least I’ll have a back-up plan and a place I can return to, because I know they’d love to have me back there, for sure. So I’m just going to say it’s because of school, and hope they understand. They seem to be very understanding, so I’m not all too worried. My gut is telling me that this is the right thing to do. While I would love to entertain the notion that I am capable of maintaining two jobs AND a full-time school schedule, AND a bit of a social life, AND a proper sleep schedule, I’m not super-human and there aren’t enough hours in this week for me to do all of this.

Anyways, that’s about that for those days! The work events didn’t really go all too well, so I was a little bit nervous this weekend, but I’m sure it’ll blow over by the time Maria gets back to work. I did my best, and regardless I do work hard when I need to. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

This weekend was fun though, for the most part! Because Luna was in, and we had so much fun blasting music through the department and dancing around when it got dead, and Dianne was in and I love talking with her because she’s so much fun. And Sera was in too for a while, and she and I connected and she told me some stories of her past, when she used to work for the same fragrance company that I’m about to start working for (which in turn taught me that I do need to watch my back, because this is a business and people will be ruthless when it comes to numbers). Her stories were also direct examples of karma (against the people who did wrong against her, not that she EVER wished bad on them). Either way, I love talking with Sera. And like I genuinely love her, her demeanor and just the way she is. She’s got the most soothing voice, but she can also get super tough and hella straight forward, which I love. Dylan’s a lucky son to a super cool, super amazing mom, that’s for sure.

Which leads me to today, which was Sunday, a day that was… a super fantastically amazing wonderful day.

So today, Dylan was in, and I’m going to start from the very beginning because I don’t want to miss a detail of how great it was. I’m sure there’ll be things I’ll have already forgotten, but I definitely want to get the gist of it.

He came in a little later today, and I was at the front of the department (because I wanted him to make his way over so that I could hug him without everyone watching or keeping their eyes on us LOL). But he kind of dawdled and I legit couldn’t wait any longer (I was really excited to see him :$) so I walked over and said hello.

And the first thing he noticed was my glasses (as I’ve been wearing them all weekend, what with the contact lens problem). I immediately raised my hands to my face embarrassedly out of habit, but he said they were cute, with that gorgeous smile of his. He said he wished he could rock glasses too, and I joked that he should be thankful for his 20/20 vision, to which he agreed. Still, it made me smile. (And holy crap if he wore glasses, he’d definitely look like the sexiest nerd ever. For sure.)

After that, we caught up a little bit about how our weeks had been, and he told me about his current dilemma – his best friend Drew doesn’t want to go anywhere but Thailand, Dylan would be okay with either Thailand OR Hawaii, and his jiu-jitsu buddies wouldn’t mind going with him to Hawaii. So he’s a little bit stuck as to where he’d like to go, but he’s not hopeful in regards to Thailand because he feels he’s had his expectations dashed way too many times in regards to it, and he doesn’t want to get his hopes up anymore (which made me sad for him, because I know that that Thailand trip has always been a dream of his).

I tried really hard to give him space and not be around him too much in the department, but man. I don’t really know, but it’s like every time I end up pacing around, I end up back near him and we end up in conversation. It just feels natural! I love when he works because it feels so nice to have someone to talk to, as much as we do.

We talked about hockey, and how excited he was for it, and how the pre-season games were starting soon. And he told me how he always goes to the home opener with his cousin, because it’s tradition. And I worked up the nerve to say (albeit casually), how much I’d love to go to a hockey game this season, because of how fun it seems to watch. And he agreed, but left it at that. At least it’s out there now! Even if he doesn’t ask, hands down I’m definitely going to go to a game this year.

After that I went on break with Lianna, and while we were walking back my heart kind of felt heavy. Once we got back, he let me know he was going on break and while he was gone, I began to contemplate where the heaviness was coming from.

I felt sad, because as much as I liked him and was attracted to him, I had no idea where his head was at in regards to me, and it just felt a little disheartening I suppose. As much as I loved our endless conversations, I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s all we’d be limited to. Which would have been fine, because I very much enjoy being his friend – he’s funny, and so smart, and so much fun to talk to and be around. But was that all we would ever be?

And so, as I paced around the department, I could feel myself asking the universe for a sign. For anything, really. I just wanted to know that I was on the right path when it came to this. That my patience had a reason. I know it was a lot to ask of the universe, because all reasons are revealed when they are meant to be. I didn’t want to lose faith, I really didn’t, but I was beginning to teeter a little. I needed just a little bit of reassurance, just a bit.

The universe heard me.

When he came back from break, we started talking once again but this time, we were having non-stop full-fledged conversations (thank goodness it was so dead today, I’m pretty sure this is the only reason that this was possible). It got to the point that when someone like Lianna approached us, she’d say “I’m sorry to interrupt” like, five times LOL. It was quite funny actually. I wonder how we look to everyone else, talking as much as we do. I swear we end up in our own world when we have these conversations. I wouldn’t have even noticed if a customer walked past, is how focused I become.

There were so many moments in these conversations that made me happy, that made me smile. There were moments that I legit had to walk away so that I could smile super, super wide (pretty sure I looked like a maniac to anyone who happened to pass by and see my face), but I honestly couldn’t help it. But here are the moments that stood out to me the most.

The first one was one of the best. I was walking back on one of my pacing-loops of the department (everyone pace-loops because it’s literally all we have to do when it’s that dead), and he happened to be walking towards me. And he was like, “do you like sushi?” Which immediately made me laugh (on the inside) because we’ve had that conversation at least two or three times before, where we’ve talked about how much each of us love sushi LMAO. Which means we both share a poor memory problem when it comes to certain things. Uh oh.

So I told him that I loved it, and he told me about this really cute place that he and his brother discovered close to downtown – it was family run, and so small to the point that the owners would hug their customers goodbye (so cute!) It was also in the nicer part of the city. And then he recalled how I’ve never been to those parts before (King City, or Kleinberg), and then he said that he and I would go to that place, that he’d take me. Which immediately made me super happy – I wasn’t sure if there’d be a third date, or a suggestion to hang out at all. But in all honesty, I was planning on leaving it to him, because it’d help me indicate where he was kind of at in regards to me. So in that case, I got the answer I was looking for, (thank you Universe, thank you).

But it got better.

As the shift went on, we continued to talk about everything and anything, as per usual – he broke down in detail what his trip would consist of if he were to end up going to Thailand. And I was so impressed, because he’s really done his research in regards to the places, the local flights, and the order in which he’d visit the cities he wanted to visit. We talked about Game of Thrones, because he’s now on the second season and so hooked, and I’m so excited for him! It was actually so much fun to re-hash old details about the show, and I’m so glad that we now have that to talk about as well. We talked about tattoos (of course), because during the week he sent me a video of his cousin’s new half-sleeve, and it’s so, so nice and I immediately fell in love.

It was of a lion, and of an eye with a person walking into the distance in the pupil. And he explained the significance of that to me – that his cousin loved Napoleon Hill’s book “Think Rich, Grow Rich” and how it tells you to view yourself in the third person (in order to maintain awareness of yourself, of your thoughts and actions). [I need to read this book!]

Oh, also! I got to ask him about the whole demo thing; I was a little worried about Marilyn giving me hours because I was afraid that I would be taking hours away from Dylan. And after the story Sera told me, the last thing I wanted to do was take hours away from anyone who needed them. I knew that no matter what happened in regards to me demoing, that I remained as honourable and honest as I could. To maintain my integrity, because that’s what’s most important to me – money means nothing when it comes to good character.

Marilyn had told me she wasn’t giving Dylan many hours because of getting his job back at the watch store, so I straight up asked him if that was the truth and if he did indeed ask for fewer hours. And it was fine, and that was the truth – he made it clear to Marilyn that his job at the watch store was his priority, and that he only wanted to work on the weekends here and there. He was appreciative of me being transparent with him though, and I in turn was relieved that I wasn’t taking hours away from him.

After that, we talked about a whole bunch of things once more; little things like him asking me if I’ve ever stolen before (I admitted I have, he told me he never has, not even once in his life). I told him about how my dad used to work on a ship, and caught a barracuda off of the side of the ship. We talked about his upcoming trip to Detroit for his dad’s birthday (he mentioned it’s in two weekends, so I’m not sure whether or not he will be here for my birthday weekend or not. We’ll see though.)

And then, here was yet another moment that I loved (and was also pretty mind-boggling). He asked me if I wanted to hear a super crazy story, and I of course enthusiastically said yes. He told me that sometime towards the end of August/beginning of September once he came back from Detroit, he had a weird dream. He had dreamt that he was in Thailand (I believe with his best friend Drew), and that he was in some kind of rainforest. But the scary part was that there were snakes everywhere! (At this point, I can already feel chills creeping up my spine but I’ll explain why in a moment).

I asked him specifically if there were snakes on the trees, or wrapping around his ankles, and he said yes. And then he explained that a couple days later, his best friend Drew called him, and told him that he had forgotten to mention something to him. He mentioned that a couple days prior, he had had a dream about being in Thailand… in a rainforest… with snakes everywhere.

So at this point, I was in complete disbelief and totally taken aback. But, I was also ridiculously shook for a whole other reason.

I told him that that was crazy, and there was something I wanted to tell him as well but that there was no way he’d believe me. And then he asked what it was, and I told him: a couple weeks ago, I HAD THE EXACT SAME FUCKING DREAM. Like detail for detail – the rainforest/jungle, the trees, the snakes everywhere. That’s why I had been asking him those detail oriented questions!!! Because I remembered my dream so vividly. And I told my mom about it the very next morning, which helped me to keep the memory of this dream in my head! But honestly, the dream itself was so real that there was no way I could forget.

We were both super shook, and started to compare details on our dreams. The only differences between them was that I was unafraid of the snakes, and he was terrified – I knew they were poisonous because of how brightly coloured they were, but I continued to shake them off of my ankles and arms. For him, he was scared because he knew they were deadly and venomous. And for me, I felt that if I stepped backwards, I would fall? As though there were a cliff behind me. That I would be stepping into nothingness.

I was so curious as to what it all meant. And I explained that I loved looking up the symbolism to dreams, and the psychology behind them. Actually, the day I had that dream, I looked up the symbolism behind lots of snakes, but I didn’t quite remember what it was. So I excitedly ran to the back of the department to look up the symbolism of the snakes.

And man, what I found was so fascinating. Basically, there’s a couple ways that snakes can be perceived in dreams, but it’s also dependent upon how you perceive the snakes themselves. Snakes can mean a fear of the unknown, or obstacles, or hidden problems that one is unaware of, or fear of lack of control. Or, they can mean growth, self-renewal, or wisdom. Even healing – venomous snakes carry the antidote to their own poisons within them!

In Naif’s case, he was afraid of the snakes. Ergo, he has a fear of the unknown, or lack of control, or has an obstacle or hidden problem that he’s dealing with. However, because the snakes were all venomous and he was aware of this fact, it meant that the “antidote”, or solution, was within the problem itself.

When I explained this to him, his eyes suddenly went… like, you know that expression you get when something clicks? He said out loud that it made sense, that it pertained to something personal that was happening, but he left it at that.

In my case, I think my dream meant that although the idea of change was rather uncomfortable for me at times (especially since I’ve been leaving my comfort zone behind in many aspects of my life) I wasn’t afraid of the changes, or of “shedding my old self” (as a snake sheds its skin). In fact, the fact that I knew the snakes were venomous did not seem to bother me at all. And also, the weird feeling I got that if I stepped backwards, that I would fall, denotes that I know I cannot “look back” – I can’t live in the past when it comes to my growth, and my new found wisdom.

After that, I explained to him how much I was fascinated with dreams, and that how even the most mundane detail in vivid dreams held some kind of significance to waking life problems; our subconscious works out most of the things we experience while we’re awake, in our dreams. I even told him how sometimes people would ask me to interpret their dreams for them (like Marilyn, or Bethany).

While I was doing the quick research, I stumbled upon a quick fact about “mutual dreaming” so I explained it to him; basically, people can purposely try to have the same dream at the same time (by like thinking about the same thing before falling asleep, being in the right state/environment). However, when spontaneous mutual dreaming occurs, it usually denotes a strong bond between the people who have the dreams.

When I said this, I was totally referring to him and his best friend. But his response?

“It makes sense then, that I’d share a dream with two special people who are so close to my heart.”

I have no idea where my head was at at this point in time, perhaps I was distracted by the flurry of customers behind us, and I don’t even know what happened next. All I remember was looking at him as he said this, with this massive smile slowly expanding on my face, before each of us got distracted by something else. I truly need to start enjoying my moments as they happen, really and truly take in what’s being said as it’s being said. Because, I’m never going to forget that, or the look on his face as he said it, or the tone of voice he used. Sigh.

I can’t even begin to explain how happy that made my heart. I’m so in awe of the universe, how when you really and truly ask for something, that it will deliver (if it’s meant to happen or you’re meant to know, of course – sometimes things need to remain mysteries, for the time being). But I asked for just a little reassurance today, and I received it tenfold.

By the end of the shift, we were still going strong, and even though I knew I had to leave soon, I honestly didn’t want to LOL. (For once).

This last conversation was yet another thing that made me really, really happy: he came over to me, and started venting to me about the drama that was going on in his jiu-jitsu gym. Apparently, the owner of the gym wanted to start charging an additional $200 dollars per person for competing in tournaments. The only way they’d get their “deposit” back per se, is if they win two tournaments. The owner wanted to make this rule as a way to wean out the people who weren’t as good, or who didn’t really train as hard as they should, so essentially like an incentive to win competitions.

But it wasn’t fair to the people who were dedicated, like Dylan. Because regardless of how hard he trains, if he didn’t win two tournaments, then he wouldn’t get that $200 dollars back, and he’s already paying a lot of money to the owner as it is, AND he’s a student. Not to mention, the owner was getting free advertising since all of his trainees wear their gym gear during comps as it is.

So Dylan was pretty upset about this new rule, especially since he’s only a student and he’s paying out of his own pocket to train at the gym. He also vented to me about how the owner appeared to be a really stingy guy, despite being a decent person overall. He told me about some stuff that happened during their New York trip, about how the owner was super intent on making sure all the bills were split evening, even though like Dylan himself didn’t drink some of the beers that his friends indulged in.

I asked him questions about it, offered some of my own insight as well as agreed with Dylan that the new rule was not fair to people like him, to which he was glad that I could see the sense in what he was saying. He said he was intending to be honest with the owner about the new rule, so I hope that that goes well for him because I know he loves training there.

This conversation made me super happy because THIS IS WHAT I’VE WANTEDDDDDD!

These are the kinds of conversations I want to have – the ones where he feels like he can vent to me, right down to the intricate details of the things that bother him or that stay on his mind. The conversations where I can truthfully offer my own insight and try to help in any way I can, or just simply listen if that’s what’s needed. Because, these are the conversations that’ll truly allow us to get to know each other better, to start really trusting in one another.

I feel so, so good. Right now, throughout this log, he was texting me and venting to me about the stress of planning his trip, and he apologized for venting. And I told him that he didn’t need to apologize, that I was happy he could talk to me about it, and that he should feel free to, whenever.

Before I talk about when my shift finished, there are some tiny details that I just want to jot down because I don’t want to forget: he randomly asked me if I collect seashells, and I told him I did, and he admitted that he did too, and I legit died. (SO. FUCKING. CUTE.) He said he doesn’t have any more now, but now I know exactly what I’m going to bring back for him when I go to the Grand Cayman Islands. Even if it’s just the tiniest little shell, I know he’ll appreciate the sentiment of it. I told him how I collect sand too and I lamented how I couldn’t take any from Hawaii (because it’s apparently illegal) and he promised that if he ended up going in February, he’d bring some back for me (d’aww.) (And, I hope he doesn’t get arrested… LOL.) Also, he told me his brother’s birthday is in two days and I was trying to help him brainstorm gift ideas since he legit left everything until the last minute (typical).

Anyways! At the end of my shift, he looked at his watch and was like “it’s six! What are you still doing here!” and I actually had no idea that time had passed by that fast, LMAO. (Honestly, I didn’t want to leaveeeeee.) So I hugged him goodbye, and told him I guessed I’d see him after I came back from the Islands. And he seemed kind of surprised? He asked when I was leaving again, and I told him it’d be next Tuesday. He wished me an “unreal” trip, and I thanked him. And I couldn’t seem to walk away, LOL. And neither did he. And he was like, “we’ll talk!” which made me smile, and I finally left to grab my stuff.

As I passed by once more to leave, he asked me if I was taking the bus, to which I replied I was getting a ride. And I don’t know why, but I get the feeling he might’ve asked me if I wanted a ride home if I had told him I was taking the bus. But oh well! I bade him goodbye once more, and with the nicest smile he said goodbye back.

*insert long, happy, drawn-out contented sigh here*.

I’m glad that the universe gave me the reassurance I was asking for. I’ve realized that it’s hard to maintain faith sometimes, when all you’ve ever known is disappointment (my past two relationships). As hard as I’m working on myself and my self-confidence, a part of me deep, deep down still thinks that this is too good to be true. But today showed me that I’m right for being patient, right for holding on as long as I have. That somehow, some way, this wait will pay off and that consequent moment will be more than worth it. Dylan is worth the wait.

Alright, that’s that! I’m happy, I’ve dwelled on this for a very long log, and so begins yet another busy week.

Because, here’s yet another thing I’ve realized in this transformative year of my life: while it’s fun (and rather addictive) to dwell on the feel-good hormone-inducing mushy crush-stuff in the first stages of a crush, it can also be dangerously consuming if you’re not aware of how much time, energy, thoughts and emotions you designate towards it. Ergo, as happy as I am, that’s that. This week, I have to focus on school, my last couple work shifts, getting my test banks/text books in order, my driver’s lessons, and spending time with my friends. So that’s where my energies, thoughts, and time are going to go towards during this week. Oh and, packing!!!! (Ahh, can’t wait!).

I must remain consciously aware of my self, my thoughts, my emotions, my persona and my energies at all times. It’s integral to my state of being and the way I perceive and experience my daily encounters. I like the idea of remaining in “third person” – it denotes that I am not my thoughts and feelings, rather I am the awareness behind it all that is ever-present, ever-watchful.

Anyways, it’s getting late now but there’s one last very important thing I wanted to add to this log, that’s going to probably make it one of the longest logs I’ve ever written in a really long time. But I have to address this, because it was a beautiful moment that I do not want to forget.

I’ve been sharing Olivias laptop lately, and I know I need to get my own, but for now she’s letting me type up my logs here. So yesterday, I opened the laptop to find that she had written to herself. Curiosity piqued, I began to read what she had written. And man. It was a true plea for help. She wrote about how sad she was, how unhappy she felt, and even sick to her stomach over what had happened with the guy from camp. How he had a girlfriend. Olivia felt guilty over the role she played, the decisions she made.

She ended off her little note with a cry to the universe: she asked the universe for a sign, that if it was listening, that she needed help. That she couldn’t do it on her own.

And this feeling overtook me. I don’t even know how or when, but I just knew what I needed to do in that exact moment. The strength and energy of the universe flowed through me, as I responded to her letter. And this is what the universe replied, (through me), to her:

“Dear Olivia,

Hello my friend, this is The Universe speaking. I’ve heard your plea for help and now I’m going to reply. You asked for a sign, and some answers. So, you can either take this for what it is, or choose to see it how you see it.

Life has a funny way of testing us when we least want it, expect it, or seem to need it. What we fail to understand or recognize in these moments is: these are the lessons, the hardships and adversities that peel away the layers of our “self” in order for us to truly see who we are, and what we are. So, who are YOU?

Right now, you are mad at you. You think less of you, as a result of your actions and your decisions. However, it’s also this line of thinking that will never allow you to move forward, or pick yourself up off the ground.

Right now, your morality is making your head spin in circles. The empathy you are practicing towards that girl, towards the situation, is making you feel sick.

And so, as The Universe, I ask you this: where is the empathy and compassion you are extending towards YOURSELF?

Since I’m The Universe and I can hear/see all, I know you’re currently thinking: why in the world would I deserve any compassion/empathy after what I’ve done? After the decisions I’ve made, after how selfish I’ve been?

Well. I’m here to tell you that you deserve the EXACT same compassion, empathy and FORGIVENESS, that you extend towards everyone you love and care about in your life. Even strangers! You do not really know this girl, and yet you are able to feel so deeply sorry towards her. What about YOU?

As The Universe, I have seen this time and time again. Sometimes, good people make bad decisions. They hurt other people. And then they feel very, very sorry. I’m here to tell you that this is a GOOD thing.

You are aware of what you’ve done. You’re aware of the consequences. You’re aware of the very real emotions that come with the decisions you’ve made, the actions you’ve engaged in. This awareness is important. Why? Because this awareness will allow you to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

I know that you are mad at yourself, sorry towards the girl, somewhat drawn towards the guy. But, you are not just a “character” in this narrative, being dragged along, unable to control which way you are pulled, the things you feel, the thoughts you think.

It may not seem like it at this moment, but Olivia – YOU are the master of yourself. YOU are the captain of your thoughts, and the emotions that follow accordingly. YOU are the author of your narrative. YOU are the one who controls the direction in which your life will head towards.

Yes, you’ve made some decisions you consider bad. However, you are NOT a victim to this situation – the choice to move forward is all yours.

You say this is hard, that it is not easy, that you feel compelled to this person. You say you know what you need to do, but you seem to not be able to do it.

The only reason it’s this difficult, that you seem incapable of doing what you need to do, is because YOU are allowing yourself to feel this way. You are the one who is creating this reality for yourself, by being so consumed by it. Your emotions and thoughts are in control, dragging you along, like a dog who is walking YOU and not the other way around. Well, it’s time to get them under control. It’s time to tell those dogs to heel.

This may seem like a daunting task, but as The Universe, I can see that it really is not. There are a few simple things that need to be done, that can be done, and I will point them out to you, as you have asked. However, the choice to implement these tasks will be solely up to you.

First of all, I want you to take a deep, deep breath. Right now.

Have you? Okay good.

Now, let it out. Slowly. You’re exhaling all the negative energy of this situation, the heaviness in your chest, the ill feelings swirling around the pit of your stomach.

Now do it again.

Next – I want you to say out loud, “I forgive you”. You will know to whom you are saying this to. At first, it’ll feel like you’re saying it to him. But once you say it again, which you should, you will realize that you need to be directing this forgiveness to your SELF.

Olivia. If you do not extend the same compassion, love, forgiveness and empathy to yourself that you do to whomever may be in your life, you will never be settled with yourself. You will find yourself in more situations like this. You need to come to terms with what’s happened, be realistic and aware, take responsibility, but more than anything you need to do all of these things with a loving and compassionate heart towards YOUR SELF. Have you ever done that before? Because it’s something that needs to become your first nature, not second.

So, say it again. Go to your room even, look at yourself in the mirror and look into your own eyes. Tell yourself, “I forgive you.” Better yet, “I love you. I accept you for who you are. I will always be by your side, no matter what you may go through.”

Let these words reverberate in the air. Did you know that words have vibrations? Even healing vibrations. You’ve been giving a lot of power to your negative thoughts by giving them a voice, even if it’s felt like simple venting. Well, now it’s time to start giving power to positivity, in order to begin your healing.

Next. And this one will be a tough one, so feel free to stay on this next step as long as you need until it truly sinks in.

There is something you need to understand in totality in order to truly move forward.

You are addicted to this boy. Not the boy itself, but the idea of this boy. He made you feel wanted. There were aspects about him that appealed to you, however deeply it may have seemed.

Addictions are hard to break, and even harder to admit. No one wants to admit or confront their weaknesses. But until you accept this fact and see it for what it is, you will not be able to move forward.

One day, (and I know this because I am The All-Knowing Universe), you’re going to meet a boy who is whole. Who may still have things to learn about himself, or about this world and life, but he is whole – he is not looking to take from you, your energy, your person. But he’ll want to learn about YOU. Everything that makes you tick. Your darkest secrets, your deepest fears. He will have plenty to offer you. And one day, when you truly understand what it’s like to be in love with yourself (which you will), you will be able to offer things back without needing anything in return.

But for now? It’s time. It’s time to learn how to fall in love with yourself first, before you do with anyone else. You’ve already begun your journey with a special friend of mine that I sent out into this world long ago, Napoleon Hill. He’s very wise. You’d do well to listen to what he has to offer.

But there’s more for you out there. So much more. There’s a love so full, so pure, that it will fill up all the little cracks and holes you’ve collected along this journey called life.

You need to understand that NO ONE will be able to fill those cracks for you, but YOURSELF. For a moment, maybe it felt like that boy filled them. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t because he has too many of his own. You both tried to be something for each other, not knowing that you had your own voids. He’s going to continue on, trying to fill up all of his voids. This does NOT need to be the same story for you.

You have so much love to give, and this life has so much love to offer you, but you need to fill up your own well first before you can offer a drink to anyone else. Every single person in this life has a well of love within them. But in order to live this life as happily, wholly and beautifully as possible, that well needs to be filled with a love that is drawn from within. No one can fill that well for you.

It is easy to make self-doubt, self-loathing, self-guilt, uncertainty, and unhappiness a habit. It’s all too easy to cultivate those kinds of thoughts until they become a second nature. In order to break a habit, you must become aware of it, and start introducing a NEW habit. This new habit will be self-love. Self-compassion, self-awareness, self-forgiveness, and self-kindness.

Start in little ways. Start catching yourself when you start to think negatively towards yourself. “I wish I could have done things different, I suck”. No. Stop that thought midsentence, and say instead, “I accept the decisions I have made, and I love myself for who I am and will become. I am incredible/kind/loving/amazing.”

It will feel foreign at first, unreal. But soon, it will start to feel right. We were all born into this world with self-love. As babies, we know nothing of this world but taking care of ourselves, innocently enjoying life and all of its wondrous natures. It’s the things we encounter, experience and the way we are taught to handle them that take away this innocence from us. It’s up to us to reclaim it.

Next: yet another thing you must understand and believe in, in order to move forward.

You are not out of control. You are constantly in control, of your self and your own life. Of your decisions, and consequently of your thoughts/emotions. If you practice this habit, of selecting what thoughts/emotions you expend your energies towards, you will inevitably cultivate a healthier mind-frame.

Now, to apply this directly to your situation: you messaged him, and he didn’t reply, and you felt bad. How do you prevent this from occurring again?

Delete him. Every trace of him. Know that you owe him nothing. Know that you owe YOURSELF everything. He is not, and WILL NOT BE, your weakness. You deserve better. You LOVE YOURSELF enough to know that you deserve and accept NOTHING LESS than better.

Do it now. You have nothing to lose, truly. But, you have everything to gain – your peace of mind, a centeredness of self, the ability to move forward, and the start of your self-love chapter of life.

So, do this for you. You owe yourself this much, no matter how you may feel towards yourself in this moment. It will change. I know it will.

And so, my tasks for you in a nutshell: Breathe. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Make this love a habit, fill up your empty well. Let go. Take responsibility. Take control of your narrative, and you will take control of your life. You are not a victim to this situation. You are an architect. What has happened has happened, but you do not need to linger in this situation. You can, and will, move forward. You are the ultimate master of your fate, and the captain of your soul. Erase every trace of this person from your life, and allow yourself the opportunity to move on. You are worth this level of self-love. You are worth so much more than you know now. But, you will know. You will learn.

It is time for me to go, but there is one last thing I would like for you to understand about me, The Universe.

I will always be here, by your side Olivia. Maybe it didn’t feel that way while all of this was happening. But I was. As the Universe, I can only do so much, but more than anything, I want each and every soul I’ve created to live the life that was meant for them. To learn the things they are meant to learn. I can promise you that there is so much good that is headed your way in this life. I can promise you that I will work alongside you to manifest this good. But you must learn to take your life into your hands. Only then can I truly help you.

Everything is going to be okay. Better yet, it’s going to be amazing. Have faith. Have hope. Stay positive. Don’t let your thoughts and emotions rule your life. Your life is your own, given to you as a precious gift, made of the same forces and magic that created the stars, the sun and the moon. You have all of the same within you. Remember this.

With loving kindness,

The Universe.”

It wasn’t me, honestly. I truly believe this universe wrote this. And it makes me happy, because in a way, it was telling me all of this too. It was the summation of everything I’ve learnt in this year. It was beautiful.

And it made Olivia cry, and it made her happy, and I think it might have helped her to heal a crack or two on her own. Which in turn makes me very, very happy.

I hope she always goes back to this when she needs a little push from the universe. I hope that everyone is open to the messages that the universe sends us – when we ask for it, it WILL be given. We just need to be open to the way the message will be sent and received.

My soul and my heart are happy. I, am happy.

I’m looking forward to all the blessings, opportunities and growth that this upcoming week has to offer me. I am thankful for this day that I got to live through, and experience.

Thank you, Universe. Truly.

Love always and all around,

Me.

Day 254, 255, 256 – September 11th, 12th, & 13th

Hello, hello! I promised to try to write when I could this week and today happened to be the day! (It’s Wednesday currently). I didn’t end up having tutorial today since it was the first class, so I got to come home earlier, which was nice! So, let’s catch up on what’s happened since Monday, the 11th.

Monday, I had a my first double shift since school’s begun and man, was it a busy day. Basically what happened was: I was scheduled for a night shift in BOTH jobs, but I couldn’t work both and my first job is my priority, so I had to switch my shift at my second job, but no one was offering to take it. The compromise became that I would become an opening shift (which I haven’t done ever by myself, and I’ve only been trained on it once), and that they would try to get me out as soon as they could. The opening shift was set to end at 5 pm and I was supposed to be at my regular job by 3:45, but luckily Maria was okay with me coming in a little later, so it all worked out okay. Nonetheless, I spent a full 12 hours in the mall this Monday.

I think if things continue at this rate, I may have to let my second job go for the time being. In all honesty, I really do want school to be my top priority, and I need to make the most of the time I can get when I’m not working at the my regular job, you know? And as much as I love my second job, there’s no point to wasting my time and working only one shift a week, it won’t add up to much additional income and all it will do is become a waste of time, now that I’ve landed my promotion as a demo.

At the end of this month, I’ll know for sure what my course of action should be in regards to this. I think I already know deep down, but I’ll just give it this month.

Onwards to yesterday, which was Tuesday! I had my first full day of classes, and it went really well! I’m ADORING my psychology class – the professor is just incredible, energetic, and the course material has actually shifted significantly since the first time I did Psych way back in 2011. I’m honestly so excited about all the courses I’m enrolled in for this year. They’re all so different, yet relevant, and I know for sure they’re going to expand my mind on the intellectual level that I’ve been craving so badly for so long.

After class, Leila and Avery came to York so that we could hang out and celebrate our six years of friendship! It was so much fun – we started off with some dinner at Shopsy’s, and then we ended up lying in the courtyard near the lecture halls, outside. It was so nice to just talk about everything and anything, to catch up and have real talks like we haven’t had in a while. It felt just like the old days, when we used to kill time at York doing whatever we wanted to. I’m so glad that we’re all still so close, and I know for sure it’s going to continue on this way because we each understand the importance of effort and friendship.

So that was yesterday! Which leads me to today, which was an absolutely amazing fantastic day. This morning… I finally started my driver’s lessons!!!!!!! I’m beginning to face my fear of driving, and I couldn’t be prouder of myself. Man, the obstacles I’ve overcome in this past year alone. It’s been amazing! So the lesson went pretty well – I started off slow, didn’t really press the gas pedal too much. But honestly? Once I did start getting used to the gas pedal and started using it, the breeze that came into the car through the window actually felt so nice! It started to actually become… fun!? I KNOW! It’s nuts. I’ve been so scared for so long. I knew that if I didn’t throw myself into this headfirst, then I’d never do it at all. So I’m proud of me.

After my lesson, I went to school and holy shit. The class I had today. I could feel my heart skipping beats, was how excited I was. We’re looking at disasters in a historical context, and GOD HOW I MISS HISTORY. I loved history so, so much back in high school, and I’m so excited to be delving into it yet again, in a different context. All in all, I’M SO IN LOVE WITH EACH OF MY CLASSES! I’ve never felt this motivated before! And if I have, it never felt like this – real, consistent, and lasting. One class is the passion I want to pursue, one will challenge me to think as critically as I ever have, one is just plain cool since we’re talking about possible life outside of earth, and the last is absolutely fascinating in so many different ways. Not to mention, the course outlines for each class proposed that everything seems doable, and passable in a successful fashion – in combination, it doesn’t seem like I’m going to be overwhelmed in any sense! I have so, so much faith in both myself and my capabilities that all I feel is excited.

So much to look forward to! I still need to organize myself a little, but this weekend, it looks like work is going to take a little precedence – I have some massive numbers to pull since I’m the one who’s going to be on counter for two major events. But I’m not worried though; whatever’s meant to happen, will happen. I have my new demo job. It’s not like they can take that away from me, and if they do, well then I was meant to be at my second job. I’m not worried about any of that in all honesty. I have complete faith in where the universe is leading me right now. I’m glad these will be my last ever events I’ll have to worry about! I’m so incredibly excited to become a demo, and I’m so lucky and blessed to have been offered this opportunity. Regardless of what happens, I swear to myself I won’t take it for granted and I will work hard, because I know that this was fought for me and it wasn’t easily given.

Let’s see, what else?

Oh yes! Having received all of my course outlines, I have found out that there isn’t a SINGLE assignment, major lesson, or test during the week that I go to Grand Cayman Islands!!! Which means that this trip was truly meant to be, and that means that I can actually accept that it’s happening and get excited about it! WHOO HOO! I’M GOING ON YET ANOTHER VACATION!

Holy shit. This year, I went to Hawaii, Las Vegas, and now I’m going the Cayman fucking Islands. What a year for travel it’s been!!! I can only imagine where life will lead me next year.

Well, that’s about all the catching up I wanted to do for this log! How am I doing?

I’m feeling good! Really positive about this upcoming year. I would definitely like to be more on the ball with my time management skills, but that’s a work in progress until I get used to this new routine, and until everything settles into what it’s become. So I’m not worried about that.

I emailed my counselor about continuing our appointments, but I haven’t heard back from her yet! But whatever is meant to happen, will. I’m sure I’ll hear back from her soon. And if I don’t, and I really need to, then I know where to find her.

There’s one thing that’s bothering me that I would like to address before I finish up with this, but I would like to stress to myself here that I am not attaching serious weight to any of this. I just need to vent a little, let go of the feelings, and that’s that.

So since my date with Dylan, we’ve been texting pretty consistently, and snap-chatting as well, which has been nice! Like I had said before, I didn’t quite have any expectations towards it, and I was trying to maintain that. Until today. LOL.

Today, I snap-chatted about my driver’s lesson, and we snapped back and forth about it for a little bit, and then he started appearing shirtless in his snaps, with casual responses, and my soul almost left my body while I was sitting in Falafel Hut, no word of a lie.

So, trying to be a little more forward, I snap-chatted back saying that I was enjoying his lack of shirt in the snaps he was sending, but like jokingly (and once again, in an attempt to flirt). And he sent one back saying that it was because of how hot it was in his house, which to me just seemed like a deflection.

I don’t want to be that girl, the one who tries to de-code and analyze every snap, or text. I would love to say that I don’t care. But I am who I am. I care deeply. So, while I can let go of the basic stuff (I actually don’t care so much about the texts and snaps, honestly), I do care about what it could mean because I care about him, and I care about whatever this might be. I’m shucking off the self-doubt (it ain’t me, I know I’m awesome, lame humour and weirdness and all).

But it’s just so frustrating sometimes! I asked Avery for his male-oriented opinion, and he said that that’s a guy thing: the shirtlessness was probably intentional (as casual as it was), so my pointing it out led to the deflection. Which is fine, I didn’t take it personally or anything like that. What I was hoping for though (setting myself up for the frustration in the first place through expectation, understandably) was SOME kind of acknowledgement of the fact that I was trying to flirt!!!

I can’t even begin to express how attracted to this guy I am. So, yes, it’s slightly frustrating when I try to make it known, only to have it be deflected. Sigh.

Well. Ultimately what’s most important to me is the true connection, the emotional/mental one. I’m well aware that that’s the connection that’s going to take time, and I’ve come to terms with that. Now, I just have to tame the side of me that’s clawing at the walls in frustration over not being able to climb him like a tree. Patience, my dear friend. It’s all you’ve got.

Because ultimately, no matter how frustrating this may get, I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up unless the universe makes it known to me that this isn’t meant for me. That’s the only reason I would let this go. That and, it ends up being that he can only see me as a friend, despite the dates. But again, that would be a matter of the universe.

I’m not holding on solely because of the potential I see in this/him, or because I have some idealistic version of him in my head, no. I’m not letting go because I genuinely want to get to know him as a person; the inner quirks, hidden fears, worst/best moments, saddest memories, biggest accomplishments, deepest dreams, the self-perceived/imposed flaws, the most passionate of passions he holds.

Wow, I feel so much better. It’s so easy to get lost in the minor and meaningless details and lose sight of the bigger picture. I need to remember this ^. So I bolded it, in case I ever need to go back to it.

Lord have mercy on my soul. I want to say I’ve never had to wait this long for a person, but I have. Although it turned out that that wasn’t meant for me, I spent years nurturing feelings for someone, years. So this isn’t that bad, in comparison. Not to mention, it gave me time to work on myself, and continue to work on myself. I’m still a work in progress and I’m very much enjoying everything I’m still learning about myself as time goes on. I’m happy to say that this is the most I’ve known myself, loved myself, respected myself and accepted myself in all my years of living. Still got ways to go though! I’m just going to try my hardest to enjoy this journey and not lose myself in the tiny details of this beautiful big picture.

I feel great again! I’m excited for this weekend of work, of more classes, and eventually being able to see him again this Sunday. So much to look forward to! I’ll try to write when I get a chance, but I know that the next four-five days are going to be super busy, so no pressure.

Until next time!

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 253 – September 10, 2017

Hi, hi.

I am in such a weird mood, I think I need to sort out my thoughts.

Okay so, today was my date! And once again, it went really well – I bought the tickets just like I wanted to, and we got to talk before the movie started, which was nice. I told him how I finally got the opportunity to tell Sera about how much Outwitting the Devil really changed my life, how the person I was a year ago seems to be dead and gone, and I’m so much happier, stronger, smarter and wiser as a result. (This was actually a really nice moment for me yesterday, that made my entire day. I got so emotional that I started to cry, LOL. But she hugged me, and honestly her hugs are the best).

He told me that she had told him, and he thought it was so sweet (even the crying part, much to my mild embarrassment heh). He mentioned that work was going well, that it was a good change of pace to be keeping up with two jobs.

During the movie, I tried to make sure that I was leaning towards him, but man! This guy stayed put in his seat, upright and dead center. Le sigh. But, on the bright side – there were moments where we’d talk so he’d have to lean really close to me to hear what I was saying, or vice versa, so that was really nice. There was this funny part that I had missed, and he leaned right into my ear to tell me what it was and, mm. Goddamn. I could get used to that feeling. LOL.

And he smelled so ridiculously good! Le sigh x five.

So the movie was obviously incredible. I jumped and yelled a couple times, I can’t lie. And oh my god. He did this absolutely adorable thing where he’d turn his head to the side, right before a scary part. I literally could not.

After the movie, we talked about it (haha, “it”), and about how he recently started Game of Thrones. We had to go through outside though, and he was only wearing a t-shirt, so he was freezing. I joked that I’d have given him my leather jacket but it obviously wouldn’t of fit, hehe. He commented on my fall-inspired outfit though! Progress, progress.

Once we got to my house, I once again did that thing where I got super nervous and it basically looked like I wanted to throw myself out of the car as quickly as I could. I. need. to. CHILL.

But, he thanked me for the movie, and said he had fun, and wished me luck with school this week, and said that he’d see me next Sunday when we work together. And I basically mumbled back the same stuff as I exited his car. What is with me?!

All of that aside. Overall, it went really, really well. I really like spending time with him and I still feel the same way I have for the past 7-8 months, if not more.

But. I’m in a terrible war with my old insecurities once again. I don’t even really know what it is, per se; I’m so happy with who I am today, what I bring to the table. I know I’m not lacking in any way, shape or form. So what am I so afraid of, exactly?

I guess, that the way I feel is one-sided, despite all of this. That, this won’t grow or become more than what it is, right now. I’m afraid that I’m not being assertive enough, that I’m being “too” friendly, if that’s possible. I used to think that I was a good flirt but… I don’t know what it is, but am I the one that’s holding back? Is he?

And, all of this begs the question: should I even be dating right now then, if this is how I feel?

Alright, let’s give me a little more credit here though. I’ve been super fearless, confident, and yes friendly, because I want him to know that he can trust me and rely on me, if need be. As for all the other stuff? I’ve never really been the kind of person to initiate the… physicality, of it all I suppose. I keep wondering if it’s because we don’t have chemistry, but that can’t quite be it either, because I couldn’t stop thinking of how close he was sitting to me today and lord knows I would jump his bones if I was ever given the chance to.

I feel like the only answer here, once again, is to be patient. But how many times have I told myself this? But again, the really good things in life are worth the wait, and I won’t ever know for sure if he is, if I don’t settle down and wait it out. The moments will come where he opens up, but it won’t just happen in the blink of an eye. He needs to get comfortable with me at his own pace, and I know that.

^ I feel like that came from my inner voice of wisdom, and I’m going to listen to it. Honestly, I love hanging out with Dylan. He’s fun, and funny, and so, so easy to talk to and be around. And I think he’s sexy as hell, and he’s also so smart and knowledgeable. I know it deep down, my gut is telling me he’s worth the wait. So, I’m just going to stick it out, and do what I can in the meantime. Either way, I have a lot of stuff I need to focus on as it is! So everything happens as it’s meant to, for a reason, and as it will.

I feel a lot better now. No timeframes! No expectations, just fun. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen, and it will when it is meant to happen. I need to remember that.

Anyways, I have to wake up early to head into work at my second job tomorrow due to an unfortunate mishap with the schedule, sigh. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow. But it’s fine! I’m going to get through it, and class will begin again on Tuesday, and I’m looking forward to this week. I’ve got to get started on my readings! I definitely want to make sure I’m ahead of the game this time around.

Oh man, it’s going to be a busy week. But you know, putting things into perspective? It’s not that bad at all. It’s nothing I can’t handle. I just need to remember to find moments for me.

I’ll try to write as much as I possibly can throughout this week, especially to make sure I’m doing self-check-ins and making sure I’m okay. So, until I write next!

Love,

Me.

Day 250, 251, 252 – September 7th, 8th, & 9th, 2017

Hello!

Well, this might have to be a quick log because I’ve got to start getting ready for work soon, but I couldn’t leave without writing today because it’s been a couple days since! It’s fair though, because school started and I’ve been pretty busy as a result.

I’ve got to talk about how amazing things with school have been so far! I’ve only had two classes as of yet but I’m already SO, SO excited about what’s to come.

I’m so glad that the universe allowed me to go back to my start, now that I’m finally ready to move ahead with my life. And what I mean by that is, my Psych class this year is with the exact same prof I had in first year, in the EXACT same lecture hall. What are the odds? Truly, there is no coincidence.

And that professor is so incredible, with such an amazing energy. She inspires me to want to take this as far as I can go, because of how far she’s gone herself.

My thoughts were a little scattered a couple moments ago so I just took a second to breathe and bring myself back into this present moment. I was writing this while thinking about how I have to start getting ready for work soon, and that sole fact was creating a block in my mind as to what I wanted to address in this log.

Like even looking back at how I started this ^. “It has to be a quick log because I have to get ready for work.” That moment will come when it does! I create such unnecessary stress for myself by living even a couple moments ahead of my present moment. I’ve got to work on that.

That being said, I should work on my time management skills. I honestly feel like I spend a little too much time doing unnecessary things on my phone, when I could be spending that time doing other things, being more productive. But, on the bright side, at least I’m aware of it as it is happening. I’m so much more aware of a lot of things these days.

Anyways! Back to catching up with me, with school, with this moment.

Right now, there’s a beautiful breeze coming in through the net door that leads to our patio and, man. I can’t even begin to express how happy this season makes me. I love all seasons for particular reasons, but there really isn’t any season like autumn. Nothing makes my heart happier than a beautiful fall scented candle, the sound of the leaves skittering across the pavement in the cool fall breeze, that crisp chill in the air.

So, school. I’ve had two classes, my Psych class and my class on extraterrestrial debate (which I’m also extremely excited for). I’m so in awe and excited for the classes I’ve managed to get into! I’m sure there’s reasons for each. Like my other classes are: modes of reasoning in regards to social issues, and the nature of disasters and how it affects society (which can’t be more relevant than it is now, with three hurricanes churning around the Atlantic basin at this current moment.)

It’s going to be such a great year! My mind will be expanding and growing now in a more intellectual capacity, alongside the mental and spiritual ways I’ve grown as a person.

Onto a more somber yet hopeful topic – I went with John to the Personal Counselling Services after we both finished class yesterday! I’m so proud of him, and so beyond happy that he opened up to me. This is going to be so great for him, I know it. We sat and talked for a while afterwards and I can tell that there’s so much of him that’s on that higher level vibration! But, he just has to get past his demons first. That kind of change always seems to come from overcoming one’s personal struggles though, or experiencing adversity. He’s going to be okay. I have so much faith in this. And I think after yesterday, he’s starting to have that hope too.

My heart is so happy. This is what I want to do. I just want to be able to help. And going through with this degree, moving forwards with it? I know it’s going to give me the necessary tools to be able to help people who experience these kinds of circumstances.

Anyways, that’s about it for these past couple days! Today I have work, and I am excited. A lot of great people are back to work now, like Dianne and Sera!!

Oh and more good news! So far, there aren’t any tests or assignments that conflict with my Grand Cayman Islands trip (which my mom said yes to, due to a convincing brochure I made, oh boy). Maybe this was meant to be after all! I’m still waiting on two more course outlines though, so we’ll see. Still, my heart is hopeful!

Before I scamper off to get ready for work – my date is tomorrow! I can’t believe how quickly this week has flown by. I’m really excited :$. It’ll be nice to end off (or begin?) this week with Dylan, and a good scary movie.

So he recently posted that he’s got a whole book of tickets for the upcoming Leaf’s games for this hockey season, which is just about to start (or has started, if you count the rookie games/preseason). I’m seriously lowkey hoping he’ll ask me to one of them, LMAO. I mean, how cute would that be!? Because it’d be my first game ever, and yeah. But we’ll see. If he doesn’t ask, then I’ll find a way to go myself! Last season really made me realize how enjoyable it is to watch hockey, to keep up with it. I’ve got a good feeling about this though.

That’s about it for today! I’ll write tomorrow after the date, about how it went and what I’m looking forward to for the week! Oh but another thing I wanted to write about before I wrap this up; I want to keep seeing my counsellor this year. I know I’m in a much better place now than I was one year ago but, still. There’s definitely room for improvement, and more than anything else, I would love to maintain this newfound mental sanctuary of mine! She was so great to me throughout the year, and I would love to be able to keep seeing her, to keep working on whatever residual insecurities and anxieties I may still have.

Alright! Not bad for a “quick log”, hehe. Life is so great! I hope it’s the same for every single person I love and care about, and even the people I don’t know, or have yet to meet!

Until tomorrow,

Love, always,

Me.

Day 247, 248, 249 – September 4th, 5th & 6th

Hello, hello! So it’s currently Wednesday, September 6th, and it’s also pretty much the very, very last day of this summer vacation! I suppose it’s only fitting that today’s the day that I go back to my summer list and finally knock off the things I did, one by one. Holy crap, I’m SOOO excited for this new chapter of my life! But before I talk about that, let’s look back at that list now:

Summer 2017 Bucket List

  1. Sleep beneath the stars.
    2. Spend some time at the cottage with your favourite people.
    3. Do my driving lessons, in class & on road.
    4. Proceed to get my G2, within this summer.
    5. Get a second job, work more hours to make money so that I can save for school (and myself).

    6. Go back to Chainsaw in Waterloo and sing a sappy, romantic love ballad.
    7. Go on road trips. (Friends AND family!)
    8. Figure out what I really want from life.
    9. Finally get that feeling of being “back on track”.
    10. Go camping.
    11. Roast marshmallows on a fire.
    12. Go swimming as much as I can, anywhere.
    13. Go fishing, (and maybe get my own fishing rod).
    14. Adventure around downtown late at night/all night.
    15. Spend as much time as I can with the people I love.
    16. Leave the country; explore another one, if financially possible.
    17. Try new food and new food places as much as I can.
    18. Go to a baseball game.
    19. Start running/working out more, be more active.
    20. Read as many books as I can, all kinds.
    21. Movie marathon: Pirates of the Caribbean
    , Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, maybe even Star Wars if I can get through it.
    22. Take a moment, if not every day then at least 4-5 times a week, to meditate and breathe.
    23. Start painting again.

    24. Upload more photos to my makeup Instagram.
    25. Enjoy morning tea/barbecues/family time out on our patio.
    26. Host another patio party.
    27. Visit everyone at their universities this summer.
    28. Do another trip like Montreal or Niagara with the fam-squad.
    29. Laugh and find joy in every moment that I can; be spontaneous.
    30. Stop documenting every moment of my life on social media. Use it less.
    31. Be fearless. Do something that fear was holding me back from doing.
    32. Dance in the rain.
    33. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
    34. Go out and have crazy nights where you barely remember anything (but responsibly, too).

    35. Listen to new music.
    36. Swim in a lake, by yourself.

    37. Learn how to do something totally new, teach yourself.
    38. Continue to fall in love with yourself, as deeply as you can.
    39. Forgive yourself and get past the guilt you have towards yourself, have more self-compassion.
    40. Make time for yourself and the things you enjoy doing.
    41. Go on a date. (If/when you’re ready to).
    42. Take yourself out on a date (i.e. movie/dinner/AGO/ROM).
    43. Get a gym membership, and then try yoga if it’s available to you.
    44. Finish and hand in your petition.
    45. Put the Christmas lights back up in your room, and then on the patio.
    46. Build a blanket fort and spend the entire day in bed.
    47. Go to Scarborough Bluffs.
    48. Go to Sauble, Wasaga and one other beach you’ve never been to before.
    49. Tell a certain someone how you feel (when/if the timing is right).
    50. Enjoy every single moment that this summer has to offer, as though it were your last.

I struck out all the things I did or even partially did, and wow. I can’t stop smiling right now! I’ve done so much of it, and I’m so, so happy and proud of myself!! I’m going to go through some, if not most, of these goals and attach them to particular memories. Let’s see…

“Sleep beneath the stars”. Well, the last trip I took with my family, we slept outside of the cottage beneath the stars. We were in a tent of course, but I still consider that to be outside. Especially in the moment where I actually lied down on the picnic table near the tent outside and just looked up at the stars, and marvelled at their beauty. Sigh. I love star-gazing. And speaking of the cottage…

“Spend some time at the cottage with your favourite people.” I was lucky and blessed to get two instances to do this – once at Cathy’s cottage with my good friends from work, and the second time was that last summer trip with the family. It was during these trips that I got to knock other amazing things off my list, such as “roasting marshmallows on a fire”, and “swimming by myself in a lake.” I even “went fishing”! Dylan, Milan and I took turns fishing during the morning while we were all at the cottage, which was super fun. Between these trips and also finding time to hang out with Leila almost every week his summer, I definitely knocked off “spending as much time as I can with the people I love” this summer as well.

“Get a second job, work more hours to make money so that I can save for school (and myself).” I DID IT! I spent a majority of this summer going back and forth between two jobs and grew to love the feeling of being as productive as possible. I’ve got to admit – working at my second job has truly improved my work ethic and my sense of responsibility. Not only that, I was praised highly for everything I did there, by multiple people on multiple occasions. It was truly such a blessing to be hired and to work for such an establishment. I get why they’re one of the best companies to work for – the people are incredible. The job came to me at time that I myself didn’t even realize I needed it most. It solidified my faith and confidence in myself, and my capabilities. As a result of being able to work both jobs and work them well, I now know more than ever, what I am capable of. I’m so truly happy and humbled.

“Adventure around downtown late at night/all night.” I did, and it was one of the best and most insightful nights of my entire life. I met Sanjeev, I learnt about the nature of synchronicity and how nothing is coincidence, my spirituality grew and I had so, so much fun just walking about downtown in the middle of the night. There truly is nothing like adventure. Not only that, this was one of the nights that I “tried new food and new food places as much as I can”, (although the new food places was definitely a bucket list goal that I knocked off with Leila, 98% of this summer hehe). Also, I accomplished the “take yourself out on a date” goal this night too, but also in multiple different occasions this summer! I watched movies by myself in theatres, took myself out to dinner, did things on my own. Safe to say, I’ve finally become comfortable (actually, more than comfortably – truly happy), with my own company this summer and it feels amazing.

“Read as many books as I can, all kinds.” This is one of my favourite goals that I accomplished this summer, because it led to a lot of growth and learning for me. The books that I’ve read this summer have contributed to who I am and who I’m becoming in ways that I can never forget or unlearn, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s because of these books that I can confidently say that I “continued to fall in love with myself, as deeply as I could”, and “figured out what I really want from life” and “finally got that feeling of being “back on track”” (as a result of reading the “Monk Who Sold His Ferrari”.) Even “taking a moment to meditate and breathe” came about as a result of reading these books! Safe to say, I’ve been truly blessed by the wisdom that made its way into my life as a result of the books I’ve read.

“Leave the country; explore another one, if financially possible.” I got to go on a wild, spontaneous trip to Las Vegas which was not only a summer bucket list goal but a life and travel bucket list goal! Hands down it was one of the best trips I’ve ever got to take in my life, and I’m so happy that that manifested for me. I definitely got to “laugh and find joy in every moment that I could; be spontaneous” because of this trip, but also in many other instances throughout this summer. I also spontaneously agreed to go on a date with someone I had just met! Which knocks off the “go on a date. (If/when you’re ready to)” goal off of my list. And it was an amazing date for sure – I met someone whose vibration I aspire to be on, and it led to a conversation I will definitely never, ever forget.

And lastly, I did something that knocked a whole bunch of goals off in one go: “Be fearless. Do something that fear was holding me back from doing”, “Say what you mean, and mean what you say” were both knocked off because I finally “told a certain someone how I feel.” To this day, I’m still in awe of how fearlessly I went about telling Dylan about my feelings. After months and months of holding back due to fear of the unknown, I finally let it all out and said everything I wanted to say. And for a little while there, I struggled between second-guessing it and fearing what could happen as a result, but I’m finally in a place where I couldn’t be happier that I did what I did. I still read what he replied to me that day and smile in the exact same way that I did when I first read it, in all honesty. And because I faced my fears and told him, he asked me out on a date (which went amazingly well), and now we’re set for a second one. If I hadn’t of told him how I felt about him, he would have NEVER KNOWN! He said himself I wasn’t obvious in any way, and I would have spent even more time wondering why nothing was happening. I took my fate into my own hands with the help (and guidance, and nudges) from the universe.

I still don’t know what’s going to happen when it comes to this but I’m absolutely okay with that! And more than anything, I’m excited for whatever could be! I love that we’re still getting to know one another; this whole process has been so much fun and more than anything, I’m happy that we seem to be getting closer in our friendship too. Dylan is such a rare and amazing person, truly I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone quite like him and that fact enthralls me. And there’s still so much more to learn, despite getting to know each other along the course of this past year as well. I can’t wait to see what time will bring about for this, for us, no matter what things may end up becoming.

And so, I truly believe that I “enjoyed every single moment that this summer had to offer, as though it were my last.” And what an incredible, fun, laughter-filled, life-changing, soul-enriching, memorable and growth-inducing summer it was, as a result. My soul, my heart, my mind and my self could not be any happier. Or you know, I could be, but that’s yet to come with this new chapter that I am equally excited for.

School begins tomorrow and now there’s a whole new set of goals I would like to accomplish for myself this upcoming year. Doing well in school is definitely my top most priority, but now I will be starting my driver’s lessons – I definitely want to be driving before this year comes to an end. I definitely need to finally tie things together for my petition and hand it in. I want to make sure I’m doing well when it comes to my new position at work, but most of all I want to make sure that I’m making time for myself and my mental wellbeing, by keeping up with my meditations and breathing.

I believe in myself more than I ever have in my twenty-four years of living. I have so much more faith in both myself and this universe, than I ever have at any given point in my life. I know that literally every part of my life will be exactly what I hope for it to be – I just have to work towards it, in every way that I can.  

I know I’m so used to saying “I can’t wait” when I get excited, but you know what? I can wait. Because, I want to truly experience every moment that I encounter, be thankful, and let it pass as it does. There are so many more beautiful, growth-inducing moments to come. I want to truly be present in each and every moment that I am blessed with, as time passes on. So, I can wait.

Well, I have to start getting ready for my last hurrah of this summer – a launch party that my whole department will be attending. So excited! This is the perfect way to end off what was an incredible summer, for sure. Tomorrow, after class, I will sit down and compile a brand new goals list and truly get even more organized for this upcoming year. But for now? Time to have some fun.

I just want to take this brief moment to express my deepest and most sincere gratitude for everything I’ve been blessed with this past year. The self-love, the opportunities I’ve received, the wisdom, the love of my family and friends, the amazingly beautiful moments that I will never forget and will always cherish, the growth, the quiet moments of peace, the crazy laughter-filled moments of fun. I am grateful. I am blessed and humbled. My heart is so full.

I know the universe will be on my side for tomorrow, and for always. And you know who else is on my side now, after all of this time?

Me.

It’s going to be an amazing new chapter.

Until tomorrow,

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 246 – September 3rd, 2017

Hello, hello! And so ends what was a fabulous weekend, and a new week begins! I’ve got lots of good news for this log that I’m very excited about, and then I’m also going to take the time at the end of it to cross off what I’ve accomplished this summer. Let’s begin with yesterday’s shift!

It was pretty great –  my manager confirmed with me that I’m set to start demoing for October, so everything is utterly solidified now! I can’t believe it, but I can! They say when things that are “too good to be true” happen to you, it’s because you’ve earned it and you’re finally in the right place in your life, the place you were meant to be in, and so it’s okay to enjoy these occurrences. I intend to live by this! No more fearing life when things get “too” good – it takes away from the beauty of those moments.

Yesterday’s shift was also a lot of fun because Dylan and I once again spent at least 98% of the time we worked talking to one another, LOL. I told him all about the weird briefcase story and he listened super intently (I love how serious he looks when I’m telling him a story). We joked that there’s a demon in my house and I told him I would burn down my house if that was the case, and he said he’d help me do it. He also made me laugh because he thinks I secretly have superpowers, to which I told him I maybe did (as flirtily as I could) but I promised to not use them on him.

He told me yet another cool story that linked his jiu-jitsu to Hawaii; during his time in Las Vegas, he met some people who run a gym in Hawaii, and they also train on the beach! They took all of his info and he took theirs, and he’s intending to check them out when he goes to Hawaii in February. He said he knew I would appreciate how cool that occurrence was, and he was right – I was definitely in awe of the series of circumstances that was tied from his travels to his passions. He also told me he was looking into shark tank diving and that great white sharks were his biggest fear, and I was so curious as to why! He said it started when he was a kid, and I jokingly asked if he was scared of Jaws LOL.

All in all, I wasn’t the only one who noticed that he was consistently making an effort to talk to me yesterday – Luna noticed too! She was obviously keeping an eye on us, LMAO she kills me. She said that it seemed like it didn’t even bother him when I was around other people or supposed to be working, he’d still find some way to come up to me with some topic or other. I know it’s been months at this point, but it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to talk to him.

Which leads me to today’s shift! So some good news first: I’ve finally confirmed my driver’s lessons!!!!!!! After all of this time, I’m finally going to begin learning how to drive. And for the first time since I’ve wanted to do this, I’m actually excited!!!! I can’t wait to experience that level of independence, and to have my own car, and be able to go anywhere that I want whenever, without having to worry about commute times or how long it’d take to get to where I want to go.

And like, I’m so proud of myself for everything I’ve accomplished for myself this year, so far. Mostly everything I’ve set out to do this year, I’ve done, and it’s such an amazingly good feeling. I intend to apply the same motivation and determination when it comes to school.

So, back to today’s shift: when Dylan came in today, he looked super shook and kind of out of it, so I couldn’t help but ask if he was okay when I hugged him hello. And he was like, “I want to talk to you about something, but I don’t want anyone else to hear.” Curiosity piqued, I gestured towards the back of the department so that he and I could speak in confidence.

And he explained how whenever he and I talk about something weird, something weird usually ends up happening, and I immediately joked that it wasn’t my fault LOL. But he explained the weird thing that happened to him: basically, his mom’s boyfriend has kids, but Dylan and his brothers didn’t get along with them so Sera had to tell her boyfriend that he couldn’t bring his kids around anymore. Since then, Dylan hadn’t seen them in years, didn’t know what they looked like after all of that time, hadn’t even seen pictures of them. But, for some reason last night, he dreamt of them. And then this morning, when Sera’s boyfriend came over, he randomly asked Dylan if it would be okay if he and his son worked out with Dylan next Sunday.

So that’s why he was so shook this morning – he hadn’t seen them or thought about them in years, and all of a sudden he dreams of them (and was surprised that he remembered the dream at all, seeing as he never really remembers his dreams), and all of a sudden, Sera’s boyfriend creates an opportunity for them to see one another again.

I explained to him that stuff like that had been happening to me too lately, and that I no longer believed in coincidence. That literally everything happened for a reason, and that the more he became aware of these kinds of occurrences, the more he’d start to notice them happening.

The rest of the day was pretty much perfect; yet again, we spent a better part of our shifts just talking about absolutely anything. Like, he told me about how he finally finished Vampire Diaries the night before and we both agreed that we hated how whiny Elena got towards the end and that we were both kind of relieved when she left the show, LOL. The only thing we differed on was that I was team Damon and he was team Stefan (he said that all girls were team Damon, which made me die of laughter). And he said he would start Game of Thrones one day soon so I’m really excited for him! It’s hands down one of the best shows of this generation.

We talked about our favourite stuff, like how his favourite movie series is Lord of the Rings and Transformers, and how I grew up reading Harry Potter and how much I loved the saga and wanted to visit Universal Studios just to experience the HP world there. He told me he’s never watched a single Harry Potter movie except for “the one with the giant snake, which I hated since I was little”, LMAO. I told him he was lucky he said that he’s watched at least one of them, because I was this close to telling him we couldn’t be friends anymore.

We also talked about how I used to play Call of Duty like crazy before, and how he’s recently been playing a new beta version of the latest release and that he’s addicted. And throughout these conversations, I started teasing him a little more – like when he said that he was a giant nerd, I jokingly said, “was?” And when he told me he liked Play Station over Xbox, I told him I liked him a little less now, hehe.

I kind of feel like this weekend made me more comfortable around him, if that makes sense? It wasn’t too busy at work, so we just got so much time to really talk to each other about all kinds of stuff, but this weekend just seemed a little different, like in a good way! I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I sent him a cool article that Ryan sent me, on the nature of synchronicity and the meaning behind coincidences. It was very well written and even involved physics, which I immediately knew would appeal to him because he seems to be mostly logic-driven and rationality seems to appeal to him. And I was right – he loved the article, and loved that they referred to physics. Funny enough, I had only skimmed through the first half of the article at first before sending it to him, and turns out that there was a Paolo Coelho reference in it. Again, no coincidences, merely yet another synchronicity.

We talked about how he was a little nervous about returning to his old job, just because he had to re-learn the systems and get caught up with the training again. But he agreed with me, that it would definitely be a good change of pace for him. And working two jobs was pretty fun, for the most part! So I’m excited for him in that sense, I’m sure he’s going to do well with it all. Especially since he’s only got one class this year, he’s going to want to keep as busy as possible for sure.

Towards the end of the shift, I finally found a moment to let him know when exactly I was free this week, and we worked out that next Sunday works best for us both! And I was so proud of myself, I didn’t stumble over my words or get flustered at all! If anything, this weekend kind of prepared me to be more chill about it, thank goodness. I asked him if he was still down to watch a movie, which he was, and then we both wondered if Planet of the Apes was still in theaters or not since it came out in July. But then he said that when he checked last night(!!), he saw that it was still there. (He was checking movie times the night before?!?! Why dis!? I don’t want to get my hopes up, I mean he could have been checking for no particular reason at all but… still, hehe. I like the idea that maybe he was thinking about it last night and took it upon himself to look up the movie times).

So I said we could watch that if it was still in theatres by that Sunday, but I also suggested that if it wasn’t, that we could watch “IT”. And I was so surprised to find out he didn’t know what that was!! But, he loves scary movies (like me!! Although no one likes them as much as I do, nope) so he’s down regardless. So, we’re all set to watch “IT”, next Sunday, after he finishes work.

I’m SO, SO excited!! Finally, date number two LMAO. Literally a month later. But I’m not complaining in the slightest, because everything happens as it is meant to, when it’s meant to.

I like that we talked as much as we did this weekend. And, I like that when I was leaving at the end of my shift, he kind of got all flustery too – he was trying to figure out when we’d see each other next when I was saying goodbye, and it was so cute.

There was this moment that I wanted to touch upon that kind of scares me, but I guess in a good way? I don’t even want to admit it to myself in all honesty because a part of me feels like… it’s just, I’m just not ready to go there or acknowledge it I guess, not yet. But here’s what happened:

There was the most adorable baby that was in the department for a little while, a little blond boy with gigantic blue eyes and the cutest smile. And for a while, I was playing around with him and he was giving me tiny little high fives with his miniscule hand and I couldn’t even deal with the cuteness of this baby.

And a couple moments later when I walked away, and looked back, Naif was standing where I had been, and looking at the baby with the cutest smile and I just, like my heart literally melted into a puddle. It was so, so, so cute.

No, I’m not saying that this moment made me envision a whole life with this person and babies and whatever. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. But the way I felt in that moment, looking at him, realizing how many things I genuinely like about him as a person… yeah, that’s what scared me.

I still don’t know what’s going to happen with this, and while I’m proud of myself for taking initiative where I can to have a hand in my own fate, inevitably what is written is what’s going to occur. But I’m perfectly happy with the way that things are currently progressing, and I just want to go with that for now.

I know I said I would address the summer bucket list after talking about this weekend, but it’s now 1 am on Monday, September 4th and I am mad sleepy.

I have tomorrow morning to get organized, so I shall write that log then! For now, I just want to take this current weekend, day dream about it for a little, sleep, and throw myself into this new week. But honestly though… this weekend truly was perfect. I’m really happy. It’s nice to acknowledge that feeling.

Until tomorrow then! Goodnight!

Love, love, love,

Me.