Day 263 to 274 – September 20th to October 1st, 2019

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF THE BEST MONTH IN THIS YEAR!!!!!! It is officially October 1st, and I couldn’t be happier that it is finally my favourite month. Although, I also cannot believe that it’s the first day of October because man this year has flown by.

I am in dire need of some talking to myself. I am in quite the predicament, and I need some advice from none other than – me. LOL.

Alright, here we go…

Hello!! How’s it going?

Well, I was as honest as I possibly could be with Leila. In attempt to not hurt her by being distant with her (which I already was so I already did), I also ended up hurting her with my honesty so… mission not accomplished there. I told her that I didn’t feel like our friendship currently was eclipsing our old relationship with one another, and that I wanted to make sure that we were still what we needed from each other. But I also mentioned how I tend to just disappear from people’s lives when I feel as though I’ve “served my purpose”. I didn’t really mean that that was what was happening with us per se. Either way, that’s how she ended up construing it, and I don’t blame her.

Anyways, she ended up sending this really long message to me about how much my message hurt her, and how she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in a friendship where I was “wavering”, unsure about being friends with her, and how she couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t be distant in the future despite claiming that I wanted to make things work with her.

It literally sounds like we’re breaking up, I just re-read the message again and man. I feel so sorry, and sad for her. I really didn’t mean to hurt her this badly.

I don’t understand why I do this. I don’t understand why I haven’t been able to maintain a friendship longer than a certain phase in my life. Literally, I have no friends from elementary school, or high school, and now it seems like I have none from university, save for the very few people I’ve managed to reconnect with.

Why do I suddenly irreversibly drift away from 99% of people in my life when my life starts to shift into a different chapter? Why am I suddenly unable to maintain a connection with anyone in my life when it seems like that current chapter has come to its close?

Why is it so easy for me to do it too? Is it denial? Am I not thinking about the pain that I cause people when I do this? (If they do experience pain, I don’t know that for sure honestly). I am literally the epitome of the word “ghosting”. I ghost people in my friendships. Friendship-ghosting. It me.

Is it really that I feel I’ve served a purpose? Is it because the part of my identity that was involved in the friendship no longer exists as I change and grow as a person, ergo the friendship dies too?

She mentioned how I’ve done it to Radha, Chloe, Avery, all the Calumet girls, and how she never thought I’d do it to her. But she’s right, I’ve done it to all of those people. It genuinely felt natural at the time. No one seemed to make a fuss about it (not that I’d want anyone to). It just felt like that’s how things had to be, and I’ve never once looked back. I genuinely do not miss a single one of those people (minus reconnecting with Radha), but I do wish every single one of them well because there was a point in my life I cared about them deeply.

I literally cannot imagine hanging out with anyone again (or the old versions of their selves that I remember). I don’t know how any of them may have changed or if they have or who they’ve become, but I don’t care to find out unless the Universe has some reason for us to cross paths once more.

These days, I feel like I barely have the time or energy to keep up with myself and I haven’t even begun to feel as guilty as I should about that. So then I feel extra guilty when I think about all the people I’m failing to connect with as a result of that shortage of time. But rather than allowing myself to feel guilty, I just distance myself because it’s easier.

It seems like recently this has all started since I accepted my promotion to coordinator. As much as I’ve tried to establish my boundaries, I somehow ended up widening the boundaries just enough to allow so much more than I was initially willing to take on. And I know how I am with things, I’m no good at multi-tasking at this position has taken up so much of my focus for the past 7 months of my life.

Holy crap.

Literally, everything went downhill after I accepted that position. Actually no, scratch all that. I can’t blame the position because I’m the one who chose to care as much as I did about having that position. I’m the one who ended up putting as much as I did into it.

And, it’s not too late and it’s not like I’m stuck either. I now have full control over making the schedule. I can give myself just as many hours as I’d like, instead of choosing to be there more than I should. I’m the one who controls my availability, and I’m the one who’s been failing to bargain on my behalf. I’ve been catering to this job because I’m the one who has prioritized it. And I’m saying this all as gently as I can.

I haven’t made any time for myself these past months, I really haven’t. Save for escaping to the Bahamas for that short little while (which was a wonderful trip).

Okay, I’m going off on a tangent of another matter that I have to discuss, but back to the real topic of my friendships.

I don’t really know what to tell her. I just wish I had a better explanation to give her as to why I do what I do. I wish I understood better myself. It’s not personal to anyone. I just do what feels natural to me, and I have no idea why it does feel as natural as it does.

It just feels like sometimes, it gets to a point where all I have in common with someone is the past. But we don’t live there anymore, and I don’t know how to relate to those same people in a present tense. It’s almost as though I haven’t learnt to explore my relationships in what they are as opposed to what they once were.

Adult relationships are hard.

I honestly don’t know what to say to her. I think we’ve had this conversation before and that I’ve been like this before with her too. I can’t keep promising her stuff if I’m just going to keep doing this because I don’t have enough time or don’t prioritize her enough. It’s honestly not fair to her at all to keep building her hopes up about us, just to have me fall into my old habits.

Ten years down the road from now when I see pictures of Cory and Leila married, or her having her first kid, am I going to regret all of this and wonder how she’s doing?

She pointed out that we’ve been friends for 8 years now, and I can’t believe that I failed to take that in. It doesn’t feel that way, but she’s one of the longest friendships I’ve had in my life. We’ve known each other since we were 17/18.

Even if I did want to stay friends with her, I have to acknowledge that I’ve done some pretty irreversible damage these past couple months and in the span of these last days. I don’t know that she’ll learn to trust me again, or that she wants to maintain a friendship with someone who second-guessed everything, and honestly I don’t blame her.

We do have fun together. I liked that when we hung out, we could go out and do stuff, but also be lazy at home together too.

If I genuinely want to stay friends with Leila, it’s going to take some real and genuine effort on my part to re-establish her trust in me, and to make sure she doesn’t harbour any lasting resentments towards me that turns into passive-aggressive behaviour down the line. I can’t even count on that because I know how she can be. She has a very long memory, and she does not forget things easily. (i.e. going on a trip to Cuba without her years ago which she still brings up to this day).

I’m going to ask myself something and I want me to be as brutally honest as humanly possible, okay?

Alright, hit me.

Do you want to stay friends with Leila?

Yes.

Why?

Does she challenge you? Does she inspire you to grow? Does she offer you insight you may not have had before? Is it easy to talk to her about yourself? Does she try to ask about you? Do you genuinely connect? Does it feel easy to be around her? Does she make you happy?

Yes, in her honesty. She’s always usually encouraged me before. She does give good advice when I need it, especially in the past. Usually, but I make it hard on myself to talk about myself to anyone though. She does ask about me, but it always feels a little tentative (could be because of the answer to the last question). The last couple times it doesn’t feel completely genuine, but that could be because of the walls either or both of us have up. It did feel easy to be around her though.

I’m actually really happy she said everything she did, because I was waiting for it. That’s exactly what I was expecting and hoping for because I wanted her to get everything out. Even if things don’t work out for us, at least she’ll have said everything she needed to say.

I appreciate how much she fought to stay in my life, how much she fought for our friendship. I wish I could have done things differently.

I guess the most I can do right now is honour the space that she’s asked for. Apologize for hurting her, and try to explain what I really meant as gently and compassionately as I can. Explain that she’s a wonderful human being with a massive heart and that whatever I did or the decisions I made regarding our friendship had nothing to do with her as a person and everything to do with habits that I’m trying to outgrow and that I’m sorry that her feelings became a casualty of those habits.

Maybe some time tomorrow, I’ll sit down with myself and try to understand why over the course of my life, I’ve had countless “best friends” and no one to show for it now.

I’ve also got a lot to do for myself tomorrow. These next 3 days, I get my shit in order with school. I have to finish that petition letter. I have to email Nadia, I have to find the rest of my petition and figure out whatever other paperwork I may need. I won’t have any other time than these 3 days. So I’m waking up early as I can, popping some of that Adderall, and getting down to business. Here’s hoping things go as planned.

Man I’ve missed this.

Love you, me. Keep your head up and keep on ploughing through on this road that we call life. There are no wrong turns.

Love always,

Me.

Day 247 to 260 – September 4th to September 17th, 2019

Hello! I don’t have much time to write this log, but I do want to write up a little something quick seeing as I haven’t written at all this month.

It’s been a super busy month. It’s officially Christmas season, which means I’m taking on a bit more hours and a bit more responsibility. I’m not complaining though because I like that I’m keeping so busy and I’m doing well it. One thing I do rue is the fact that I haven’t had any time whatsoever to get my petition together unfortunately. But, I have been working out pretty consistently and I can feel it in my body, which makes me happy. I know my meditation needs some work, but I think I need to find what technique works best for me so I have something to work towards (as go-with-the-flow as possible though, I’m not trying to force anything when it comes to meditating).

I feel like I don’t have a lot of time lately because of how much work I’ve taken on and how many commitments I’ve got going (mostly just plans with everyone from the work girls to my friends to Adrian). Between my social life and my work life, I haven’t had too much time for me (other than finding time to work out here and there and some evenings to myself, which feel rare).

And with that, I must bid this adieu! I have to get ready for work. Tonight after work I’m going to come home and hopefully finish this before I head off to the gym to get in a sesh.

Be back soon!

Day 235 to 246 – August 23rd to September 3rd, 2019

Hello, hello! Wow, did August pass by in a flash or what?! I can’t believe we’re already in September. It happened so quickly that I still feel like I’m in August in all honesty. But nope, today people headed back to school, and already Fall feels like it’s in the air (this part I’m perfectly okay with because I love Fall, hehe).

I know September is going to be a big and good month. I have a pretty serious to-do list that I would like to have done by the end of this month regarding my schooling, and my ADHD medication. I think I’m going to have to switch the brand or try something new.

I’m still not completely sure if this corresponds, but a lot of my hair has fallen out in the past couple weeks. This has happened to me before and it took a couple years to rebuild the density of my hair, I must admit. But this recent time seems to correspond directly with when I began my ADHD medication. And I know I’m not exaggerating, because every single time I run my fingers through my hair, more falls out. And in the shower, there’s just clumps of it.

I must admit, when I first started to really realize it, I panicked. Even now, I haven’t really let myself process it fully. But man, it’s amazing how this situation has brought to my attention how truly important my appearance is to me, how attached I am to the way people perceive me.

“What if all my hair falls out? What am I going to do, wear a wig? What will people think of me?”

I’ve mostly come to terms with it now, I think. It still bothers me and I can’t seem to stop touching my hair and lamenting about how much I’ve lost, but I think what I need to do is this: grieve properly, and then surrender and trust that the Universe will take care of me. To understand that everything in this life is impermanent, and the more we try to hold onto things that are certain to go, the more we cling onto suffering.

This is just another lesson that I know I have to learn. It’s humbling to know that I am attached to my external appearance on some level, that I have an attachment to what defines my outward identity. I know that I am more than it, but this opened my eyes to how much stock I place in how people see me.

I don’t want that attachment. But I guess it’s nice to be aware of it. And regardless of what happens, I love myself and I know I’ll be okay. I have real and genuine love in my life and anyone who shows me anything less than that has no place in my life.

Just another thing I’ve got to learn to have faith about.

Anyways, onwards! So yeah, I’d like to try a different type or even a type that I can take when I need as opposed to one that I need to be on constantly, if that makes sense? Like I know I can be messy and disorganized and forgetful sometimes, but I don’t want to rely on medication to fix those things if I can work on those things within myself, you know?

I also need some time to get my petition out of the way. I pulled up the letter recently to start adding onto it, so that’s good. One day off I have, I’m going to sit down and get it all done and organized. Hopefully within the next week or so.

I want it all done by the end of September so that I can enjoy October as fully as possible. I definitely want to travel somewhere or do something really nice for myself for my birthday, even if that means going to Niagara for a couple days for a spa weekend, or even heading somewhere cheap and all-inclusive for the weekend. I would love to go to Vegas too, but I definitely need some relaxation thrown in that trip somehow.

I feel like September is going to be so busy because of work, but it’s so insanely imperative to me that I find time for myself amidst all the busy. Like I want to continue going to the gym at least twice a week (or three times if possible), I need to keep on meditating before bed, and I would like to write as must as possible too.

Anyways! That’s what I’m looking forward to, but I need to catch up on the last two weeks of August because they were so much fun. I feel like I definitely made the most of the last dregs of summer, despite how quickly it all flew by.

In the past week, I had a girls’ night with my coworkers, managed to go to Wonderland, the CNE, AND spent the long weekend camping for the first time ever. It was a lot of fun, but man it was A LOT at once LOL.

Camping was wonderful though. Adrian and I went with Krystal and Chad and a whole bunch of other people (and two dogs!!!!) and it was so much fun. It was a very interesting experience to actually feel like we were sleeping on the ground, to be protected only by the thin confines of a tent, and to generate warmth during the chilliness of the night through lots of cuddling hehe.

It was also such a lovely bonding experience for Adrian and I. I love so much that he’s just as open to new experiences as I am, and that we can leave our personal comfort zones together. I also love that we cohabitate so well together; we shared space with one another for at least 4-5 days straight and never grew tired of each other once. Not even through the more tedious times like packing and unpacking the car, or building the tent, etc. We just work so well together and everything is always so easy and so fun. And there’s always so much love, constantly. I honestly never knew I could be this happy or this loved, so fully and so consistently.

Summer recap? Well, it was good overall I would say. I travelled to the Bahamas in May, worked like crazy, but I also made the most of it too. Cottage weekend, beach trips, camping, and plenty of time spent with the love of my life, my family and my friends.

I’m ready for this new season, and this new month. For the blessings and lessons to come. And, I’m thankful for all of the ones I’ve received this past season, and how much I’ve learnt, re-learnt and grown.

Anyways! It feels good to write again. I was feeling a little lost and sad this weekend during my shrooms trip because I realized that these past couple months I somehow slipped into autopilot mode again in my life, or so it feels. I don’t want to drift, so I want to laser-focus on what I’d like my life to look like, and work towards that with the Universe. I didn’t make that vision board just to have it lie in my room and gather dust. I know what I want from my life. I know.

It’s time to get excited about life again. To be excited about what every day will hold, to be thankful for every day given.

Anyways, I think I need to catch up on some very much needed rest after this weekend. I promise to find some time to write a couple times this week, even if it’s just brief logs! It’s so important that I do this for myself.

Until that next time!

Love always,

Me.